


The Bodyguard

by TeamZaylor



Category: Hancest - Fandom, Hanfic, Hanson (Band), Taylor Hanson - Fandom, Taylor Hanson/Zac Hanson - Fandom, The Bodyguard (1992), The Bodyguard - Fandom, Zac Hanson - Fandom, Zaylor - Fandom
Genre: Action, Crime, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-09
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-17 03:52:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 64
Words: 208,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3514361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamZaylor/pseuds/TeamZaylor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the death of their parents, Taylor and Zac went their own way in life. Taylor became a superstar and never thought his chosen profession would bring danger into his life. Blade (Zac) buried the past and lived his life contently in the dark and dirty world as a pimp. Unexpected circumstances bring them together after almost a decade apart. How will they overcome the shadows of the past and move forward?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [](http://www.directupload.net)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! We are happy to announce our very first hanfic The Bodyguard. Maybe you've already noticed that we made some promotion posts about it on our tumblr site teamzaylor. To be honest, we really took our time on writing because this is our first time to write together. And as our first original story, we want to give our best for it. We are not from English speaking countries. Heck, we're even from different sides of the world, but we're glad to learn together and we are having so much fun writing the story. We hope that you enjoy reading our story as much as we enjoy writing it. We would love to hear feedback and constructive criticism about structure, pace, plot, characters, and anything else. Thanks to everyone who reads and comments, we always highly appreciate everyone's feedback!
> 
> Side note: We create some pictures and videos for our story from time to time, which inspire us on our writing and hopefully will give you an imagination of the background and atmosphere of the story. This collage is a overview of the characters in our story, the main characters will always be Taylor and Zac though.
> 
> THE BODYGUARD

Prologue

Tonight was just another night for me. Another night that would pass me by so swiftly that I would not even remember a thing. Details would just be as common as the other nights I’d spent working my ass off. It’s always the same, nothing would change. I would simply forget about this night, like all the other nights I had since forever.

While walking down the hallway that would lead me to my new customer, my eyes couldn’t help looking around to everything that I passed by. Muffled noises came out of the rooms that I passed. My dark sunglasses reflected against the dim light while my eyes searched everything to make sure it was in order.

I instinctively checked if the hotel had some safety measures that were properly installed such as hidden cameras that were placed to record all of the events that would happen that night, or if there were other things that needed for the place for it to be called a 'safe' hotel.  
My eyes suddenly saw the golden number at the door on my right.

So, this is it again. I said to myself.

I felt relaxed. I was never afraid, I would never be afraid of my customers. It was my job for fucking a year and my stomach was already used to it. I could bear it. I always did.

I didn't know why I did half the things I've done, but I know this is where I belong, surrounded by my own. Ex-cons, drifters, assholes; Men unfit for mankind.

My hand already started knocking at the door before my mind processed what I was about to do. I just shrugged off my shoulders about the unnecessary observation. I would definitely meet the person, or monster, or devil or whoever inside the room, so why prolong it? I reasoned out to myself. I heard footsteps coming near the door that ditched away my train of thoughts. My eyes automatically wandered to the person that was opening the door for me.

Once I heard the sound of a sharp ticking sound from the other side of the room, I inhaled sharply and immediately plastered a fake smile on my lips. My timing was always perfect, once the doorknob ticked, I would draw a deep breath and then I would give the instant flashing smile to whoever opened the door for me. This was no exception. It was a routine, a part of my routines to be able to accomplish my nightly tasks.

“Hi!” I heard him said.

I met the eyes of the person that immediately looked up and down my frame, drooling like a real maniac that he really was. My customer for the night was probably in his early thirties. He was tall, a couple of inches taller than me. He also had a good body built indicating strength. The way his arm muscles moved while he opened the door wide open for me to enter the room could be clearly seen through his tight fitting shirt.

“Hi!” I faked a charming response before stepping my feet forward. As I felt my feet sinking into the carpet, I also felt like my soul sinking deeper into hell at the same time or if there was a place that could be deeper than hell, then that’s the place that I would surely reach with ease.

“Nice room choice.” I said as I placed my jacket on the couch. This was another part of the routine, just a very short introduction.

I saw his lips twitched and then curled for a grin. “I hate introductions, what I want is some action.” He was quick; he shoved me against the door and kissed me roughly. I was not surprised, though. So I let him kissed me and I kissed him back with the same passion. He wanted it rough, then that’s what I would give him.

His hands roamed up and down my sides while his teeth bite my lower lip. His hips uncontrollably bucked forward proudly informing me how hard he was. He was drunk. I smelled a mixture of smoke and alcohol on his breath. Another trivial experience on my nightly tasks, to smell all different kinds of smell my customers had to offer. Whether they smelled bad or good, I just had to suck it up and pretend that it was all fun and nice for them.  
Another common thing on this job, customers has their own ways of pleasuring themselves. So I let him repeatedly thump my head on the door several times, this was caused by his aggressive assaults. I let him grab my semi hard erection as I tried my very best to concentrate on making it fully hard.

But even my sunglasses couldn't make his appearance more attractive, it just felt easier to me when my customers couldn't look me directly in the eye.  
"Hmm wild boy... you taste good." He groaned into my mouth with his nasty smell.

And you taste so fucking bad. I added to myself.

He looked crazy while he was fumbling with the button of my shirt.

“Damn!” He grunted. It happened so fast. Before I knew it, he already ripped my shirt off!

He was working on pulling it away when my hands automatically gripped his wrists. This was going from bad to worse. I warned myself as I glared at him.

“What are you doing?” He tried to pull his hands away from my grip several times but did not succeed. Looking pissed off as if he had the right to be pissed off; he pushed my back hard on the door, trapping me as if to alarm me.

“What the fuck is wrong with you street boy, I will pay for that shred if that’s your fucking problem. I called you to give me delights and not to piss me off. I can see your eyes boy under those sunglasses. I can feel the way you look at me. So stop staring at me like you could beat me and do what you are paid to do!" He was panting after that. His heavy disgusting breaths brushed my face and that only increased my anger. Get a hold of yourself! Just one wrong move and he will get to know my sharp sense! I repeated the words over and over again in my head as I watched his nose flare.

“Calm down, you will get your fun. That's my job. But relax, we have all night.” I tried to sound calm even though every fiber of my being was already heating up.

I didn't give a shit if he was about ten years older than me; I was the king of this fucking castle and always called the shots.

“Don’t fucking tell me what to do. I am the customer here, remember?” He looked like a predator staring at his prey. I saw the helpless victims of that particular pair of eyes. I imagined how humiliated they’ve felt while he was fucking the hell out of them. I imagined him hurting and even killing a helpless victim. I saw him repeating it over and over and over again in my head.

I saw myself in a familiar situation; it was pure blankness at the background. Just me and him. Just me and the enemy. My eyes narrowed.  
“I said, don’t you fucking stare at me like that, you fucking piece of shit!” He shoved me harder into the door, his hands reached out to my neck to wring it. I was still gripping his wrists, though.

“You fucking asked for it.” I said with gritted teeth before I kneed him in the balls.

Naturally, he stepped back grasping his balls. “You fucking asshole!”

“And you, fucking vermin scum.” I replied disparagingly.

I started fixing my shirt, it was just a shirt and you can buy another one tomorrow. I narrated inside my head.

With that thought in mind I stepped to grab my jacket to leave but he attacked me again. I had no choice. Apparently the night wasn't over yet.

He was about two feet away when the heel of my shoe touched his jaw. He was knocked off of course, that flying heel kick could knock anyone out. It is one of my specialties, a fast, sharp flying kick.

I took my never to be forgotten jacket, adjusted my sunglasses and locked the door before I left.

Let's call it a day.

I walked through the hallway and headed downstairs in the reception room. The red light was just bright enough to catch sight of the bar slut behind the counter.

"Are you already leaving Sir?"

A surprised question from the peroxide blonde bitch which was my best pick of the bunch, by the way.

Sure she was a bird-brained bimbo, but in her job, it's actually an advantage. In this kind of life, too much thinking would only gain difficulties.

"Yes, had enough fun for today Doll, I am pissing off outta here early," was my indifferent response.

She didn't wonder about my way of talking. In my line of business, it was the custom.  
I went behind the counter, opened the cash drawer and grabbed a thick wad of money. Quickly, I counted them before I stowed them in my inside jacket pocket. I smiled frostily at the thought of the knocked out idiot that I left behind.

Of course I didn't steal his wallet... I want my costumers to come back! That's how it works.

I zipped up my leather jacket on my way to the exit to feel the money against my chest... You never know which bastards will cross your way in the world of pimps and prostitutes. 

"Good night, Sir." The living plastic doll held the door open for me.

I gave her a wink, although she probably couldn't see it through my dark glasses and slapped her fake ass before I stepped out in the darkness of the streets...

A short glance on my watch, 2:15 am. Los Angeles night life.

Usually, I'd pick up my black Lamborghini from the car lot but not tonight. Santiago's bar was only a few minutes' walk from the Lincoln Street.

I needed it. I needed it tonight. It would make me calm and forget the blackguards...

Santiago was a rare friend... if that term actually existed at all... but he saved my ass several times in recent years during our common Army time.

I was sort of connected with him, he also didn’t have a family anymore...

The smell of fumes and Indian food reached my nostrils as I passed several sex shops, there was no way around the hobos and hookers from this noisy surrounded skid row quarter.

My ears picked up the familiar vague sounds from afar. Ghetto music was getting louder with every step, as I passed the building, another night club.

Yo', never was a thug, just infatuated with guns, never was a gangsta, 'til I graduated to one, and got the rep of a villain, for weapon concealin', took the image of a thug, kept shit appealin', willin' to stick out my neck, for respect if it meant life or death, never live to regret what I said, when you're me, people just want to see,

if it's true, if it's you, what you say, what you do, so they feel, as part of your obligation to fulfill, when they see you on the streets, face to face, are you for real, in confrontation ain't no conversation, if you feel you're in violation,

any hesitation will get you killed, if you feel it, kill it, if you conceal it, reveal it, being reasonable will leave you full of bullets, pull it, squeeze it, till it's empty, tempt me, push me, pussies, I need a good reason to give this trigger a good squeeze...

I'm a soldier, these shoulder's hold up so much, they won't budge, I'll never fall or fold up, I'm a soldier, even if my collar bone's crush or crumble, I will never slip or stumble...

Eminem's song described my way of life almost creepily accurate. I see a town full of empty people walking down the street and there’s like this killer inside me providing running nasty commentary about each person to hide what's deep inside of me.

"Fuck it." I groaned.

Rain began to fall and washed the dirty scum of society from the streets away; at least for a while...

I pulled up the collar of my jacket and tossed a few coins towards the old armless beggar who always sat at the corner, just a few meters away from Santiago's bar, like usual.

A barking Rottweiler sprung towards me, happily wagging his stumpy tail when I reached the shop window.

I patted his head before he followed me inside.

"Hey Blade I didn't expect you this early..."

Santiago's familiar Mexican accent greeted me as he limped towards me. He stroked his long dark hair back and cleaned his hands on his army trousers before we shook hands and headed directly into a back room behind an ugly yellow curtain. I always appreciated that he never talked much, and if he talked, it always had rhyme and reason.

I sat down on my usual seat of his outdated corner bench and watched his tattooed arms searching through a drawer until he pulled a silver metal box out.

"How much do you need?"

"100."

He handed me a small package with a white content and I shoved a few 20's over to him.

"Busy day?" he asked.

"You got that right." I wiped my nose with my sleeve and strewed a fine white line on the table in front of me.

"You should get a change in pace Blade, it's not healthy for you to stay alone all the time." he said, while I yanked another 20 out of my pocket.

Santiago. The only person who was allowed to give me advices... he became a father figure to me, even though he was only twelve years older than me.

"I have Bandito, that's enough society." I replied, pointing over to my dog who never let me out of his sight.

He was right; the last few months have been really tiring, physically and emotionally. I felt like I’ve lost some ground. But I also felt I’ve gained strength. I've always been under a lot of stress. I wish I could find a balanced state. I really needed a break. There’s always something, and I was getting pretty sick of it.

Because while I might not be able to control my way of life, at least I could control my attitude and right now, I was feeling grateful that things weren’t worse than they were.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?  
Anyway! Did I mention Santiago was even the one who placed me in this fucking business after my period of service in the Army?

I bent over and used the rolled 20 as a straw. I sniffed and took a long and sharp breath through my left nasal wing.

After an accident last year, Santiago got crippled for life, but it didn't stop him to get back to work...  
to work...

I was busy inhaling and welcoming the feeling of euphoria in my system.

First, it's a Saturday night thing when you feel cool like a gangster or a rockstar- just something to kill the boredom, you know? They call it a chippie, a small habit. It feels so good, you start doing it on Tuesdays... then Thursdays... then it's got you. Every wise ass punk on the block says it won't happen to them, but it does.

A few minutes must have passed without me realizing it when Santiago spoke again. "Shall I call you a cab?" His black mustache puckered up in a worried expression as he raised an eyebrow at me.

"No, better not. I don't want Bandito puking onto the seat covers." I declined, still scrunching up my nose. I stood up, avoiding to take notice of my burning eyes and the little sway that I made. Showing weakness was a luxury I just couldn't afford.

I raised a whiskey glass from the table to refresh my mind and took a long sip.

"Yuck! What kind of swill is this? Tastes like shit." I grimaced at him.

"Lemon Iced-tea." He shrugged indifferently.

I snorted scornfully and shook my head in disbelief before I turned around to put the leash at Bandito's dog collar.

"Take care soldier and think about what I've told you." Santiago's voice sounded more afar than a few minutes before and for a split of a second, I couldn't say where his hand came from which laid on my shoulder a moment later.

"You carry things too far now, Santa. Evangelize me next time." I laughed, shrugged his hand off and raised my hand for a goodbye.

With a gained feeling of strength that would probably stay until I arrived at my house, I pulled Bandito’s collar and looked around the streets and to the clubs with lights bright enough to capture the interest of people looking for short-term pleasures.

God couldn't exist in this fucking world I'm living in. He must have turned away his eyes a long time ago...

The world I know is bad, dark and dirty.

********************************

Chapter 1

Taylor: 

Dear Diary,

I know it's been awhile since my last entry but my tight schedule made it impossible to write regularly. This is the only place I know where I can share my secrets because no one is interested in worries of a famous superstar who has everything a person can wish for. But even being a famous superstar doesn't make me a superhero. People automatically come to the opinion that if you are rich and famous, you must be lucky about everything. So they start writing crap about you even about the smallest gaffe committed. Sometimes, it feels like I don't even know myself anymore. But I'm only a singer who sings about his dreams.

I always strived for perfection and success in my life, and now at the middle of my twenties, I finally reached the pinnacle of fame and became one of the most famous and wealthiest stars of these days. My busy schedule doesn’t give me enough time to take a breath and relax. I guess I just tried to find fulfillment in my life and believed I would find it in the fame... because my family couldn't give it to me.

However, as naive as it may sound, still, I'm a normal boy like everyone else.

I'm on tour again, have been for a few weeks. Once again, all of my shows sold out within a couple of hours and people even scalped tickets on the black market.

But this world still seems strange to me sometimes. You meet new people every day and you always have to be mindful of what you tell them because they might find things about you which they can use against you.

And I really don't want to become a part of the tabloid press any more than necessary.

I don't want to read things about how unhappy I am in my marriage because my wife sees only a trophy in me. Meanwhile, we're estranged. Fame has broken our love, and to be honest, I don't even remember anymore how we fell in love with each other.

The last two years have been chaotic to say the least, but so far I didn't have the heart to tell her that a break up will be the best for each of us to move on, because she is pregnant...

I know it'll make me a complete asshole if I leave her pregnant. I don't want our child to suffer for mistakes which his parents made. So when my wife and I see each other, we're living this loveless life under the same roof which is physically and emotionally draining for both of us.

That’s why I haven't written lately. I didn’t want to write about anything until some of these things are resolved.

It's difficult to confess... but I have realized that I'm gay.

Even though it's probably the worst timing of my life, it's a point in my life where I feel like everything seems suddenly much clearer to me and finally make sense. I finally got ahead of things and I'm over the hump of disease overtaking my life.

Had I not been through a lot of things over the past few years, I may have thought realizing that I'm gay is the worst thing ever. But it really feels like a recovery from my married life, which is scary when you find yourself in uncharted territory all of a sudden...

So far only Skye, my manager knows about it.

I knew he would understand, he is also gay.

But opposite to me, he's in a lucky relationship. With a cop! He calls him tenderly "Eagle Eye!" I don't even know his real name, but I envy him for being lucky and having someone who protects him.

Sometimes, I wish we could change places... at least for a day.

I wish I would also have someone to take care of me, to make me feel safe for once...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Showtime in thirty minutes Taylor!" Skye came in with a few papers in his hand, interrupting my wallow in self-pity.

I gave him a short nod; it was hard to understand each other because of the loud noise from screaming fans outside, because of the backstage door being open. Probably realizing the noise at the background, he closed the door before he came over to me. I was glad about it. Skye was used to my steady habit that I always needed a few quiet minutes before I began my shows.

"We need to talk Taylor, it is important..." he said after hesitating for a moment when he saw me writing in my journal. I appreciated his discretion, that's probably a reason why I knew I could trust him so I closed my book and turned my attention to him. I have a diary but in public I call it a journal so I feel better about it.

However, if Skye came to interrupt me, it has to be something important.

He laid the papers on the table in front of me.

"These letters just arrived," he informed me, pointing on the white paper with his index finger. I took one of them and read the big scrawled letters in different colors.

Dear Taylor,

Only a few more weeks until we will meet…

Your Twink Twink

Another one with similar smeared letters said:

Dear Tay,

I know that you were made for me and I was made for you.  
You are mine, only mine…..

Counting the days until your Twink Twink finds you….

I swallowed. Apparently this was the shady side of fame. But I tried to stay positive.

"Taylor, these letters are extremely alarming. They are reason to act accordingly!"

"I don't know Skye, they don't sound dangerous to me. Besides, every famous star receives stuff like that. Someone with a name Twink Twink can't be that dangerous."

He rolled his blue eyes, clearly not delighted with my reaction and chewed unsatisfied on his bubblegum. His expression and voice became more serious.

"These letters were not the first ones Taylor, I'm honestly worrying about your security. You should hire a bodyguard before things get worse and something dangerous happen."

I tried to calm down and closed my eyes, being confronted with upsetting news directly before my performance made it difficult for me to convert myself in a concentrated mood.

"What do you think I should do? Hire a bodyguard?"

He sat down next to me, laid cucumber slices above my eyes and began to file my nails. He was also my stylist by the way.

********************************

BLADE:

I felt tired and restless. My last customer asked me to dance for him on the pole of his bed before I fucked him. Hard. So it wasn’t that bad, actually. I gave him what he paid for. But besides to that particular customer, nothing special happened tonight, maybe that's the reason why I’m feeling restless because of it all. The nagging feeling inside of me that kept on warning me to stop over and over again.

But I couldn’t.

This is the life I prefer. No direction, no goal, or anything and no other people to care about. I was used to being alone. Having a dog was enough, at least one reason for me to go home to my shabby apartment every night.

“You see, if there’s someone who needs aid, it’s you.” I smirked at him.

“Y-yeah, I guess so.” He replied touching his cheek gently with a frown.

“So, you’re good man?” I asked trying to sound concerned. I tilted my head to the side and studied his face. He was still touching his cheek.

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good, coz I gotta go. Go through the business district, stay away from the gangs downtown.” I patted his other sound cheek like he was a puppy and then turned around to leave.

“Wait!”

I sighed before I turned around to face him. I just raised my eyebrows, bit the corner of my lower lip and looked at him.

“I didn’t ask your name.” He swallowed before he continued. “And before those bad guys harassed me, I was about to go to a coffee shop. It’s kind of my routine before I go home, to go to my favorite coffee shop. If it’s not too much for me to ask, is it ok if you accompany me?” He looked uncertain while shifting from one foot to the other.

I rubbed the back of my neck while I stared at him. He still looked pretty shocked and probably needed some company. But what the fuck? Bandito's already waiting for me. And I should not bother myself about him, I saved him from the bad guys and that was more than he could ask for. I was about to say something for an excuse when he beat me to it.

“Please don’t say no. Just consider this my way of saying thank you. Besides, I still feel afraid to drive alone. Probably having coffee will relax my nerves. I’ll be thankful to you forever if you’d accompany me in this rough neighborhood I will drive you back to wherever you want to go. Having coffee with me won’t take long, I promise.” He seemed to talk forever, so just to get it over with, I agreed. I answered him with a short ok, that made him squeal like a fan girl. I rolled my eyes before I sat down in the passenger’s seat of his luxury car.

“So, what’s your name?” I was just starting to feel comfortable sitting on the leathered seat of his car when he began talking again.

“I'm Blade, that's all you need to know.” I replied nonchalantly to cut out any chance of getting more questions.

“Nice name, it suits you.”

That caused me to smirk.

“Is that coffee shop near? I don’t have time for a chit chat." I was already beginning to regret my decision of come with him. Talkative people annoyed me in a lot of ways.

“Yeah, actually, we’re already here.” He parked his car in a classy coffee shop probably just a few blocks away. I couldn’t remember the last time I set a foot in a place like that. Before, whenever I get the chance to experience luxury, it was because I was on a mission. Mostly, my missions meant working under cover. The act was necessary for the opponents to hold the belief that there’s no danger, even when they've been talking face to face with their assailant all along.

I gritted my teeth when I realized what I was thinking of. I cocked my head to the side trying to think of something else as we walked through the door of the coffee shop, and the attentive sexy waitress who opened it for us was enough for a moment of distraction.

We were having a late night coffee so there weren’t many customers inside. He let a waiter usher us to a table at the corner beside the glass wall. The staff seemed to recognize him the moment we entered the coffee shop, the waiter politely gave us the menu before he left.

“So, just order whatever you want, Blade. It’s on me.” He winked at me cockily and grandiloquently; he put his pointer finger on his lips and glanced at the menu.

I looked at it but nothing really caught my attention. All I wanted was for it to be over and pissing off; I already began to question myself what the fuck am I doing here at all while my weekly ration of pleasure awaited for me only a few blocks from here.

I didn't even like fucking coffee. So I just searched on the list of coffee with alcohol. He ordered a Vanilla Latte and I picked a Mexicano Café in hope it would make me awake again.

“By the way, my name is Skye.”

I flinched at the sound of his voice, not that it was scary, but because I didn’t expect him to speak again that soon. The waiter was just a few feet away after he left us to get our orders. For the second time, I rolled my eyes. He couldn’t see my eyes, anyway. I leaned my elbow on the table and studied him inconspicuously.

“Wow! That’s so cool! So you’re working for the government right now? I’m so lucky that you happened to walk pass that street when those stinky morons harassed me.” He exlaimed astonished.

I refused to answer his question, so I just nodded to give him my approval, or empathy or whatever. I looked impatiently on my cell to check the time which only improved my slightly bad mood.

“Oh, I’m so sorry for taking so much of your time, Blade.” He said with a smile, he raised his hand to ask for the check. As we waited, he still kept on talking about how grateful he was that I helped him. I just nodded my head repeatedly. I was too tired to think coherently of the right responses to him. When at last he was done paying the bill, he finally lifted himself from his seat, and with a deep relieving sigh, I followed him to his car.

I gave him the direction to Santiago’s bar. It wasn’t too far, so even though my eyes were heavy, I stayed awake.

“Thanks again for your help and company Blade," he said and extended his hand to me like he expected a handkiss.

"Yeah this was a blast," I answered lazily instead. Was there more to come? I side-eyed him suspiciously.

"It was really nice to meet you and I'll not forget how you saved me, Blade. It takes a lot of courage to fight against such brutes." He breathed in a soft voice and stroked a long strand of hair behind his ear, probably to cover the awkward moment when I didn't took his extended hand. Hell, I did more than enough for him. He could give me a blow job next time if it makes him happy.

"I had the time of my life." I groaned sarcastically and opened his car door.

“Wait!” He pushed a card in the palm of my hand. Hard core hate fate was going from bad to worse.

Would this night never end?

“That’s my calling card. If there’s anything, as in anything that you need, just tell me, ok?”

“Sure. This was a blast.” Couldn't he go to a talkshow and bore someone else to death?

Too tired to argue, I just gave him a lazy grin before I stepped out of his car.

I saw him waved at me once more, his lips saying ‘bye Blade’ before his car went off. Finally. I looked down into the little card in my hand.

“Skye Lafeye.” I read aloud. My eyes were fixed on the blue print of his name. It sounded familiar too.

Warf! Warf! Bandito ran wiggling his tail towards me. Absentmindedly, I crumpled the card and threw it on the trash bin before walking inside the bar with Bandito.

Out of mind out of sight.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

our self created Slideshow video inspiration for this Chapter:


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For our story we need few additional characters, so each of us in the team has chosen one person. They will also have some short passages from their own point of view around our main plot, which is the Zaylor story.
> 
> In this Chapter we added the cop named as Eagle Eye.  
> And to give him a face, he will be played by (Rafael Cardoso).
> 
> We will insert few pictures in every chapter to give you better imagination of our characters and story background.  
> Hope you enjoy Chapter 2

TAYLOR:

Dear Diary,

I'm alone again tonight. Those weird letters from the unknown stranger caused nightmares again and I hardly can find some sleep. My nightmares are about a faceless stalker taking photos of me. In my dreams, that person is everywhere, following me, just waiting for a chance to attack me.  
Apart from my nightmares which already consumed my thoughts longer than they should be,  
the show yesterday evening was fantastic.

I called Natalie if she wanted to come to see my show and have dinner with me afterwards but she said that the drive wouldn't be worth the effort to visit me.

I can't be mad at her, because of her pregnancy, but her cold brush-off made me sad anyway.

I know now that we're getting a little girl.

I will be a father in a few months and I wish for my daughter that she will see this world with Love between her parents. I already feel like a failure and a bad father every time I think about it because I wasn't able to maintain the Love in our marriage. I wish there's something that I can do. But I believe Natalie and me have reached the point of no return. With the passing of time, I realized that there's no going back for a family reunification anymore.

I feel so lonely that there is no one in my life that I can really talk to. I guess that's why I'm so obsessed about music, it's the only way to express my feelings no matter what kind of they are.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I sat on the windowsill of this luxury hotel room with my eyes closed and listened to some music from mundane TV channels until the lyrics from a 90's music video about a girl named Lucky on a random music channel caught my attention.

Early morning, she wakes up  
Knock, knock, knock on the door  
It's time for make-up, perfect smile  
It's you they're all waiting for  
They go,  
"Isn't she lovely, this Hollywood girl?"  
And they say,  
She's so lucky, she's a star  
But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking  
If there's nothing missing in my life  
Then why do these tears come at night?  
Lost in an image, in a dream  
But there's no one there to wake her up  
And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning  
But tell me what happens when it stops?

The song kind of made me sad because I knew very well how that girl felt. Somehow, I felt a connection to her; it also could have been a story about me. Her feelings and mine were the same. I didn't want my daughter to experience the same kind of life and unhappiness. I wiped a tear away with my sleeve and stood up to get changed and to get ready for another day full of interviews and another show tonight.

Skye knocked on my hotelroom door about a half hour later. I almost didn't recognize him this morning.

"Oh my god, what happened to you?" I asked horrified when I saw a long red bruise over his cheek. He greeted me shortly and walked into my room.

"Good morning to you, too. I got mugged by a few bandits last night. But thank god I got help from a stranger."

"Oh my god Skye, that looks serious. Did you see a doctor? You might have a concussion."

I reached my hand out to touch his cheek but he waved it aside.  
"No, not necessary, Eagle Eye already administered first aid," he winked and added a little offended, "I thought it did not look that conspicuous anymore, I've already covered it with make up!"

He pouted and began to scrutinize himself in the mirror. Typical Skye always wants to look perfect.

"I'm sorry; I'm just worried about what happened to you. Seems like there is nowhere safe anymore! Where did that happen?"

"Downtown, near the red light district on the way to my usual coffee shop. Gosh, Tay, you should have seen the guy who helped me. His name is Blade, he has professional self-defense skills and he knocked down those thugs before you can say Jack Robinson." His blue eyes were full of excitement while he was speaking.

"Sounds like he is a super hero." I joked in response, unsure if Skye was amplifying his story purposefully.

I didn't know what to think about his strange encounters to be honest; it worried me that even an unknown person like Skye couldn't go to buy a coffee anymore without getting mugged. But at least there are still some people left in this crazy world who are willing to help a stranger in need.  
I sat down on the bed and watched him walk to the armoire and begin to pull out outfits.

"I swear that guy is incredible, Taylor! He's so manly and strong. I don't know what those guys would have done to me if he wasn't there, they might have killed me! Gosh, hopefully Eagle Eye finds somebody like him for you. I even honestly think that he'll be a perfect person to protect you, Tay."

"I'm glad that he came to help you." I replied absently.

Skye's words agitated me and made me feel more conscious about our safety. He was right that it's about time to hire someone to take care of me and Skye while Eagle Eye is at work and don't have time to watch over us.

"I'll see Eagle Eye later, Tay, hopefully he can pull some strings for you."

"Yeah," I nodded, still thinking about what he told me.  
"By the way, what are you wearing, Tay? Gosh, I see it's high time that I came." He gave me a glance of appraisal.

"Why? What's wrong with my outfit?" I frowned and glanced down on my clothes.

Skye gave a girly sigh. "Babe seriously, red jeans and Cowboy boots don't work together. Let me get you something else, okay?" he said and continued clearing out my wardrobe to select my ensemble for the day. Skye and I always thought we have nothing to wear, even though mine and his closet is overloaded with stuff. We loved shopping and shoes a lot. But I admit it. Skye and I were both men of style.

********************************

SKYE:  
“Hi!” I held his hands and squeezed them lightly. Like usual, Eagle Eye was wearing his uniform which only increased his sex appeal. He looked amazing as always in his police man attire. Some of his curly hair was stuck to his forehead because of the sweat that formed there. I wiped his forehead lightly and gave him a smile after seeing the worried expression on his face

“Are you really ok now? I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there to save you.” His large hands covered mine, and I felt safe. When I’m with Eagle Eye, I always felt so much better and safer. Well, first he’s a cop and second, he loved me, and he would protect me from anyone. Third, I believed in him. I suddenly felt the urge to kiss his soft lips at that moment, thinking of how lucky I am to have someone like Eagle Eye while his fingers started caressing my bruise.

“So what’s the name of the guy who saved you?” He asked while he just continued caressing my sore cheek, his face coming nearer and nearer to my face. I blinked the moment I thought about Blade and smiled. I leaned back and sat down on the marble table in my terrace.

“His name is Blade. I guess he’s a few years older than me. He was wearing sunglasses and he has long hair tied in a ponytail. He’s so good, Andrew. I swear, if only you saw how he fought... He beat those three guys up who were all bigger than him in like, 5 minutes or less. It was so nice that he accompanied me to have coffee coz I still felt shaken up, and then I drove him back to his place. He was cold and distant, I mean, he didn’t talk much to me, but I don’t know, he seemed to be a trustworthy person and I just have a good feeling about him. I really admired him for rescuing me. Coz imagine, he….”

“Beat those thugs who are bigger than him, like in five minutes or maybe even less!” He continued for me in a exaggerated tone. His face was animated as he spoke, trying to imitate me, and then after saying that; he cringed as if he smelled something really bad. The whole time, he was just staring at me while frowning.

“Oh no, Andrew, please don’t tell me you’re jealous?!” I followed it with a short laugh.

“Of course not! “ He answered defensively. His nose flaring as he glared at me.

I tried to hide a little smile, although I’m not sure if I succeed. “Hon, I just appreciate Blade coz he helped me without asking for anything. I’m thankful to him, but it doesn’t mean that I have feelings for him…” I played with my fingers over his chest, then cuddling closer to him.

“Please be a gentleman and stop looking grimly ok?,” I hummed.

"I'm not jealous; I’m just not delighted by the fact that you adore a thug."

I sighed and tried to end the conversation with a firm kiss on his lips. A kiss long enough for him to stop having doubts about our relationship.

I felt his soft lips and smelled his minty breath. I didn't want to pull away to be honest, but my question was really important, so slowly, I withdrew from the kiss.

“By the way, did you find a bodyguard for Tay?” I said in shaky breath. I was still sitting on the marble table; my legs were parted while Eagle Eye was between them. The position could have been perfect, if I didn't worry about Taylor so much.

He released a deep sigh, obviously disappointed but answered me, anyway. “Well, I know someone who worked for the government before, his name is Santiago Boleyn. He and his buddies are really good. They used to work under special missions given by the government. They are good fighters, sharp shooters, and if what I heard was right, they were monsters when it comes to their opponents. They’re fast, naturally gifted fighters using multiple techniques.

“Wow! Sounds like they can really protect Taylor!” I clasped my hands at the back of his neck and swayed my legs to and fro in excitement.

He started fishing inside the pocket of his uniform and gave me the card he pulled out from it.

“This is Santiago’s address, he works in a bar and he’s got a lot of connections. He will certainly know who to recommend.”

The look of the card made me frown, it says, ‘Santiago's saloon’.

“Is that a night club?" I looked at the dancing girl among the letters and gave him a frown.

He shook his head.

“No, it’s just a bar which he owns."

"Santiago... is he also gay?"

He began to laugh.

"Santiago? He is anything, but definitely not gay."

"You say that as if it would be a bad thing." I pouted, a little offended.

Me and Andrew have been together for six months and I was curious about his visits to bars in the past but it's like what I said, I trusted him, and besides, whether he dated girls before or if he used to go to bars before for pleasure, it didn’t matter anymore.

“Will you go with me tomorrow to meet him?”

“No, sorry, I can’t. I’ll be on duty the whole day. If you want, we can go the next day.”

“I can’t wait any longer, honey. Taylor’s stalker is alarming me, he badly needs a bodyguard as soon as possible.”

“So you’ll just go there tomorrow by yourself?”

"Yep, I’ll call you once I have talked to him, alright?"

“Kay, so are we now settled? Can we now go back to…”

********************************

SANTIAGO:

Not many customers came into the bar this afternoon. The old man who’s my regular guest sat by the window watching the raindrops running down the window pane. This would be a good opportunity to clean my gun collection in the back room. I took my crutches to stand up but the ringing of the bells over the entrance door interrupted my intention.

"Hello, hello, excuse me, Sir?"

I turned around and saw a young man walking into my saloon. I didn't need more than one glance of appraisal to know he didn't look like my usual customers. City slickers usually didn't set a foot in a bar like mine, less than ever in this district.

"Excuse me Sir; do you know a guy named Blade?"  
The words of the young man came quick and without pause to think, but I could sense a ray of uncertainty in his voice. I turned around and looked into his eyes.

"Who are you, one of his johns?"

My opinion about rich, stuck-up pricks was more than poor to be honest, but at least most of them were good tippers. Besides, who doesn't have to pretend to be friendly to his customers in his job?

"Johns?" He asked as if he didn't know what I meant.

"Yeah from his brothel on Lincoln Street."

Apparently he didn't even know which part of the city he was in.

"He has a brothel?!?"

The young man widened his eyes and seemed to be taken aback for a moment. I knew that Blade was a maverick; it was natural that my first assumption was that he must be one of his Johns. Furthermore, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to say that he's definitely not a law enforcer.

"No, no I'm not... my name is Skye and my boyfr.. uhm friend Andrew gave me a note with the address of this saloon. He said I would find a guy named Santiago Boleyn here and I just noticed that it is the place where I dropped Blade off a few days ago, so I was wondering if you might know him..."

He yanked a business card of my saloon out of his trouser pocket and showed it to me.

"I am Santiago." I stated.

"Andrew said you'll know why I came. I work as a manager in the tour business; my boss is looking for a security person, a 'bodyguard' to put it simply..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know, he gave me a call. Come on; let's go in my back room. We can talk undisturbed there." I cut him off.

He suddenly looked up at me in a mix of mistrust and fear. I noticed him watching as I got my crutches and I knew he was uncomfortable. I had enough experiences with rich, spoiled sons in this world who didn't know how to deal with people with disabilities.

"I don't bite." I frowned at him, when he didn't make a move to follow me.

He laughed nervously and blushed.

"Oh of course Sir, I'm sorry. I didn't want to give you a false impression... I'm just not used to being in this rough of a neighborhood. I got mugged a few days ago, just a few blocks from here and if I had not gotten help from that noble-minded person Blade, I... I do not know if I would be standing here now."

He spoke all those words in the few steps it took to get to my back room. I looked at him irritated; he sure knew how to talk. I could very well imagine that a boy like him got mugged in the red light district. Just a short glance at his expensive designer clothes and his naive expression on his girly face was enough. If I would have been short of money, it could even have been me mugging him a few years prior. Meanwhile, I prefer smarter ways of ripping people off.

"Can I offer you a drink? A glass of milk? Orange juice?" I asked him.

"Orange juice would be fine, thanks," he answered.

He didn't even get that I was making fun of him. Poor boy had apparently never gotten to know real life problems, but thank god that wasn't my problem.

"Nathaniel, a glass of orange juice for the young man here." I shouted in the direction of the kitchen before we sat down on the corner bench.

My scullion came a minute later and brought him his drink.

"I'm a tour manager and..."

"Stop boy. First, you take out your bubblegum if you want to have a conversation with me. I don't appreciate a chewing slang." I interrupted him.

He stopped talking for a moment, blushed and yanked a handkerchief out of his pocket in which he fussily wrapped it up instead of just putting it in the ashtray. How ridiculous.

Then he continued talking and told me detailed about the mugging, and how Blade had helped him. He seemed to think highly about him and said that he was thinking of someone like him for the famous singer he was working for. His reaction was more than "delighted" when he heard my answer.

"Actually, I was thinking of suggesting Blade to you already, because he owes me a favor." I eventually said.

"Really??? Oh my god that would be fantastic, Sir! Unfortunately, I don't have his number. Can you give him a call? Can I meet him?" He jumped in his seat and almost spilled his glass of orange juice over the table.

"Wow, wow, wow, calm down boy!" I admonished him and slapped his shoulder.

I wasn't used to that kind of enthusiasm anymore.

But before I called Blade, the little dandy Skye would have to answer a few questions. Even though I was planning to suggest Blade to him anyway, it somehow made me perplex that he wanted Blade as a security guard for his boss even though I just told him that he's a pimp.

Skye's police boyfriend Andrew Barkley was a relatively common guest in my bar and when he called me saying that a friend of his would urgently need a bodyguard and asked me if I could suggest anyone I didn't have any suspicions. Barkley had informed me that he would send his boyfriend to my saloon to talk about further details about the job.

Still, that this Skye wanted to hire a pimp was weird.

That's why I wanted to test his reaction first.

"Let's not rush things. Blade is one option, but there are a few other men which are looking for a job as well. Michael Parker for example..."

I said in a calm tone and began to roll a cigarette.

"Oh, please Mr. Boleyn. I would really really like to get Blade for this job! He's perfect as a security guard, it's not necessary to suggest someone else." He interrupted upset and walked directly into the trap.

"You want Blade for this job even though I just told you he's a pimp." I gave him a frown as I lit up my cigarette.

"Why?"

I asked the question with emphasis to let him know that I thought his choice was questionable. I could tell that he definitely didn't expect my question by the totally surprised look. Well, maybe not everyone would have put somebody in the pillory, but would I be able to work as a drug dealer and survived nine years as a soldier as a naive simpleton? Hell, no!

"Well, like I said I before I already had an encounter with your friend Blade, Mr. Boleyn. He saved me when I was mugged a few days ago even though I was a stranger to him. I've seen his self defense skills with my own eyes, that's why I think he's the right guy for my boss..."

He uttered, suddenly sounding not so confident anymore.

"And that's the only reason?"

He nodded. I honestly didn't believe of that. His excitement about Blade's person spoke for itself to say the least. And as much as I wanted for Blade to get a change, I also felt some kind of responsibility for him like a son. My suspiciousness towards Skye was only caused because of that.

"Are you lying to me, boy?"

"No, Mr. Boleyn."

I sighed irritated. It was one thing not to be man enough to admit to have a crush on a person and the unprofessionalism that it caused in his job as a manager, but another thing to demand a favor from me and having the cheek to lie directly in my face.

"Well, to make one thing clear. You came in my bar and you want a favor. You sit at my table and I can see that you're lying. Either you're honest from now on, boy or you leave my fucking saloon before I dislodge you. Trust me, I won't repeat myself. Is that clear?!?"

He swallowed, a little intimidated. "Yes, sir. It's true... I... have a crush on Blade." I saw his cheeks reddening.

"See? It's not that difficult, isn't it?"

"Sorry Mr. Boleyn. It wasn't my intention to appear respectless. Despite my crush on Blade, I believe he's the right person anyway."

"You may believe that. But how can you really know that when you see things through rose colored glasses?"

He shrugged and thought about it for a while. "Well...so far my instinct hasn't deceived me."

"Have you ever hired or intended to hire a person for your boss of whom you had a crush on?"

"No... I'm in a solid relationship with my..." The young man grew confused because of all my questions. To me it was actually more confusing that the young man seemed so naive and irresponsible with his behavior though.

"Officer Andrew Barkley." I ended the sentence for him.

"Yes, I call him Eagle Eye." He nodded and began to giggle like a girl. I was tended to scoff about his outburst, but I suppressed it. Instead I took a pull on my cigarette and blew the smoke in his face to end that crap. He had to cough a little before he could continue speaking.

"Well, I don't really know what to say Mr. Boleyn. The thing is that my boss really needs a bodyguard and I was hoping you could bring me in contact with Blade..."

He played insecurely with his lace handkerchief. Apparently he realized that he couldn't deceive me that his choice for Blade actually had personal background reasons.

On the other hand, it was one more important reason for his boss to hire somebody for his security. But it also meant additional stress for Blade. Still, I actually liked the fact that he would have the chance to get a change, I knew he needed it. And I knew that Blade was a good choice for a security job.

Everything that would help him to get in a different way of life must be positive and being a well paid bodyguard of some famous celebrity was an opportunity I didn't want him to miss. 

So I didn't say no when Skye begged me to call him.


	3. Chapter 3

BLADE:

“You okay, buddy?” I patted Bandito’s head before unloading my groceries. If Bandito did not need dog food, I would probably never go out for groceries and starve.

As if he understood what I said, or maybe he really understood me, who could really say that?! Bandito wiggled his stumpy tail in excitement and walked behind me as I carried his food for the week. Buying groceries was not an annoying chore for me; actually it’s one of the things that make me feel normal and human. It sort of reminds me that I’m still alive, and that I’m just like the other people around me.

The problem was not going grocery shopping; it was finding a safe place to keep the items I bought. Bandito never let me out of his sight.

If the only companion you’ve got become really comfortable hanging out with you, there’s a high possibility that he would do as he pleased without even consulting you. Bandito was a perfect example of that. If I leave my food without a cover, he would wolf down it down within seconds. Although this buddy of mine had been around with me for years, he could still be a head ache to me. I trained him about many things and usually he was a very good watchdog, but when it comes to considering his angry stomach, he seemed to forget all the trainings we had.

I guess we weren't very different about that part.

So, am I talking about my dog now? I laughed to myself as I clumsily pushed each of the items I bought inside the fridge. I had to put everything in the fridge that was the only area Bandito knew was off limits to him.

The kitchen just wasn't a place where I belonged.

Everybody say when you hear the call  
You got to get it underway,  
Word up, up, up, it's the code word,  
No matter where you say it,  
You'll know that you'll be heard.

I was disappointed when the song stopped; it meant that whoever was calling me had given up. I had no regret about not accepting a call from a customer, my working hours haven’t started yet, but my ringing tone was a favorite song of mine. I had a preference for song lyrics which reminded me of a pretty accurate description of my life and "Word up" was in this moment a good example.

As if my silent prayer was answered, my phone rang again, I smirked, my customers could never have enough of me.

Banging my head, I listened to the song again

while I finished arranging my groceries or destroying my fridge, well either of the two.

My phone rang for the third time. I looked at my clock, whatta horny bitch; it was just 4 o’clock in the afternoon!

That customer must have been too horny to wait for the night to come. Instead of answering it, I took my time, washing my hands and drying them. When it still didn’t stop ringing after I was done with all of my tasks, I released a deep sigh and looked at the screen expecting a call from an unfamiliar number. Unfortunately or fortunately, whatever, it was Santiago who was calling.

“Hey man.” It was important for me to have caller ID, usually my introduction depended on the person calling me. But it was just Santiago, so a casual greeting was ok.

“Damn, Blade, what took you so long to answer the phone?!” Santiago’s irritated voice made me raise my eyebrows.

“And what made you call me at this hour, Santa? I was just preparing to go there to leave Bandito.”

“You need to get here, right now.” He sounded more irritated, I heard someone talking at the background, “yeah, I’m talking to him right now, so just hold on…..”

“What?” Santiago’s voice sounded like somebody went to his bar to raid it.

“Blade, I’ll wait for you, ok? It’s important. Bye.”

It was not really usual for Santiago to call and sounding like that, it must have been really important. Suddenly worried about the only person I considered as a friend, I grabbed my .45 caliber, shoved it under the waist of my jeans then covered it with my jacket. I hurriedly put my sunglasses on before I went out to my Lamborghini with Bandito running after me.

I drove as fast as possible to Santiago's bar.

I parked my car in a safe distance. Leaving Bandito inside, I locked the car up, and walked over to the entrance door. I felt the gun tucked in my waist before I pushed open the door of the bar.

The atmosphere was quiet, Santiago’s frequent customer was the only person I saw sitting inside by the window. His look didn’t help to improve the eerily feeling inside. Something wasn't right.

I walked over to the door beside the counter, trying my best not to make any sound. I alerted myself to anything that might welcome me as I pushed the door quietly.

The first thing I saw was the face of this disastrous, never ending bubbling person and I automatically rolled my eyes realizing whom I confronted face to face. I furrowed my eyebrows, what the fuck? Since when was Santiago booking customers for me?

"What the fuck is he doing here!?" I shouted angrily, pointing my hand towards the nightmare of which I was just starting to recover. Thank you very much fate!

The chatterbox recoiled a little in his seat. Good! I hope he was scared of me. Maybe it would even make him stop talking.

I relaxed and made sure that the gun on my waist wasn’t visible to Skye. Even though I wanted to get rid of him, I didn’t want to traumatize him.

"Come on, sit down Blade," was Santiago's short greeting.

"Not possible, this paintywaist is sitting in my place!"

I said loudly, looking daggers at the milk face sitting below me. Skye immediately reacted and moved to the opposite seat to make place for me.

I sat down in my seat, rested my elbow on the table and gave him a mocking glance of appraisal. At least I was fully awake and not sleep deprived this time.

“Hi! Nice to see you again Blade!” he squealed, unable to hide his excitement.

"Nice shiner," I scoffed mockingly, smirking at his visible dark bruise.

"Oh does it still look that bad?" He blushed and covered his cheek with his hand in the same way like he did the last time I saw him.

My rough snarl seemed to make him less talkative.

Santiago gave me a dig in my side with his elbow.

"Hey soldier, just be yourself and be nice to my customers!"

If he wasn’t walking on crutches, I would kick his ass right now for sure!

"Which one? I can't do both." I retorted with aggravating irritation.

"However, we have to talk. Do you want to drink something?"

"Yeah, a whiskey."

I wasn't much of a drinker, but if I had to bear another conversation with this chatterbox, a whiskey was the least thing that would help to bear him.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"But I think so."

"Well, we just ran out of whiskey."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Santa?!? This is a fucking bar!"

Skye's expression became distraught as if he expected we were going to kill each other at any moment because our voices had become louder. It wasn't unusual for us to have this kind of rough conversation, it was normal, just like saying hi and hello, or fucking some chick in my brothel.

I knew that Santiago's fatherly instinct about me made him conjured up excuses to get me away from alcohol.

I sighed. “Okay then, give me anything but that fucking swill from last time.”

I sat back on my seat while Santiago bossed around his kitchen boy to get me a drink, so I turned my attention back to the milk face again.

"So you missed me, huh?" I gave him a smirk, ready to receive another torrent of words. Who knows? Maybe he was just in need of a good fuck.

"Yeah. I mean...no...I'm actually here because..." He began stuttering and blushed again.

“This Skye here needs a bodyguard." Santiago came back and pointed down to the chatterbox.

"I can imagine." I nodded, looking at his skinny body frame.

"He’s offering you an $180,000 contract per year. He told me that he already met you and that you saved him. He was impressed. His contact also mentioned to me that the person needed to have resources and be a skilled person like you. Since it’s a big time job, I also decided to make a big time choice. I want you to take the job, Blade. Can you do that?”

After his long narration, there was long silence.

What the fuck? This was the reason of his visit? It was none of my fucking business! I already saved the ass of that milk boy, I did more for him than he could ever expect and now he’s sticking at me like shit under the soles of my shoes as my reward??? He was staring at me like I was a god he adored from head to toe on top of that. If he knew what I thought about him, he'd run out of this place and never come back.

I couldn’t just leave everything behind. My business is my life. I lived for the chaos, not to make peace anymore. I live to eat and eat to live; I was quite content... Accepting the job would just take me back to the old Blade that I was trying to forget. I didn’t want the feeling of having someone depending on me anymore.

Except for Bandito, it was enough that he depended on me.

"I'm not dependent on your dinero's; I managed everything all right by myself. Besides, I also earn a good pile of money every day."

“If $180,000 isn’t enough, we can make it $200,000. If we notice that you’re doing a great job, then we could arrange for another increase in your salary. Lodging will be included. All you have to do is do what you do best.”

Seemed that the boy had finally found his voice again. Did he say $200,000? He might buy my whole brothel for that sum.

“Blade, I want you to take the job. We've talked about it, that you need a change. I can’t think of anyone who can do it better than you. Skye’s employer badly needs a bodyguard.” Santiago added.

I took a long sip from my red bull drink.

“But there are other men better than me Santiago; I left the job a year ago. I’m out of practice.”

“Blade, please. I’ve seen how you fought those guys, and I can feel in my heart that you’re a good guy."

That greenhorn still lived in an ideal world.

"What kind of person is your boss? Tell me about him, and make it short. Time is money."

"My boss is not just a boss to me, he’s also a dear friend and I didn’t want to simply give my trust to someone I barely knew.”

“But you don’t know me!” I retorted, finally able to see a little hole for an escape.

“You’re right, but I know I can trust you.”

“You think so?” I frowned at him.

Whatta fucking naive simpleton he was.

“Yeah, because you saved me, you saved my life without hesitation.”

“Any guy would do the same thing if they saw how you looked that night.”

“Oh my god, w-why, did I look so horrible?”

He began to touch his bruise again.

“Yeah, you looked like a Little Red Riding Hood surrounded by three big wolves ready to eat every piece of you.” I spat mockingly.

He swallowed. “I know, right? That’s why we badly need a bodyguard. Lots of wolves are ready to eat their prey as soon as they got the chance.” He snapped back, quickly gaining his composure.

I scratched my forehead before I answered him.

“I might also be one of those wolves. What tells you that I won't force Little Red Riding Hood to go out on the streets and make money for me? You might be a good rent boy."

I leaned myself on the table and watched him swallowing.

“You don’t look like a wolf to me.” He answered quickly, but obviously self conscious.

“Well, what do I look like to you?” I asked. I didn’t know why the fuck I wasted time to asking him stupid questions like that. It’s just because he’s Skye, and he seemed to see the world as all pink and puffy. It’s kind of entertaining, but I didn’t mean that it wasn’t annoying, too.

“You look……. okay. Fine. Not bad.” Skye stammered.

“Can we go back to business talk now? I don't have time all day long.” Santiago cleared his throat. I was still grinning when I looked at him. I hope he finally changed his mind on recommending me for the job. He knew that I had probably fucked half of the population in the city, and this body guarding thing wasn’t for me anymore. I would only mess around. I was sure of it.

“Let’s go back to the main topic. So, Blade’s job will be all about the security of your boss, right? He will oversee the safety of the places he will stay in. Will also include controlling crowds, eyeing overeager paparazzi, sorting out uninvited guests, route planning, assessing threats and dealing with them as discreet as possible, right?”

His words disappointed me. Apparently he still believed in me to take that job.

I felt trapped when I snapped my head back to Skye.

“Yeah, that's right and he will also be his personal protection, his driver, or he can be just a close, visually intimidating physical presence beside my boss. There are fans that are really crazy about him. Some of them felt the need to pull his hair, rip his shirt or pinch his skin. If there is a constant bodyguard beside him, we hope that those instances will be lessened.”

“Sounds like a lazy job to me.”

With his never ending patience for me, the namby-pamby sissy boy gave me a please-let-me-explain-this-to-you-further look.

“There is a fan who keeps sending him letters. The letters arrive every single day. Sometimes, even twice a day! All they say is how much this person loves him, and that the time is near for them to meet. It’s alarming for me, god, my friend needs protection from his fans. They may mean well, but some of them are hurting him already, and in tight situations, he needs someone to be there for him, and I can’t do that. You see how frightened I was when those thugs harassed me."

"That's what happens when a fairy walks alone through the streets at night in the slums. Girly guys like you have always been easy victims for street gangs." I shrugged indifferently.

"I swear I've learned my lesson. It's just that neither I nor my boss have self defense skills and I can't protect him."

"Seems like you both need a bodyguard." I snorted disparagingly.

"Please, Blade. I’m offering you this job not just because I know you can, but also because I trust you. Santiago, told me that you also need the job.”

“And you won’t encounter opportunities like this every day, Blade. I think you really should take this chance.” Santiago interjected quickly.

He was right and I knew that.

I sighed and took a sip from my drink again.

"Okay buddy, but let me tell you something very clearly." I drank all the contents of my drink before I continued, "If I take the job, then it will be on two conditions. First, I'll issue instructions, not the contrary."

"That is not a problem. My boss is a teamplayer. He will follow your instructions."

"Good. If that isn't clear, you can look for someone else, got it?"

He nodded and hopped eagerly on his seat up and down like a wind-up bunny. I couldn't really say if that was asthma or passion.

"Second, give a wide berth around me and we won't have any problems."

I looked over Skye’s expectant eyes, this time avoiding Santiago’s stare.

I let out another long sigh.

“Okay.” I agreed.

I rolled my eyes when Skye squealed again. Whatta fucking gay chick he was...

I knew this was going to be a bad day.

"This was the right decision, soldier." Santiago patted my shoulder and I looked at him in disbelief.

"Wait and see!"

"So can we go now? It'll be great if you can get to know my boss as soon as possible. I can't wait to introduce you to him. He has a show right now in the Lanxcess Arena. If we hurry we can be there for the break between his main performance and the encore..."

Skye couldn't hide and hold back his pleasure, excitement or whatever anymore, and after his almost hysterical farewell to Santiago we were on the way outside to his car.

"Wait, I have to take my dog with me!" I informed him.

"You have a dog?" he turned to me and looked surprised.

"Yeah, a blood dog," I exaggerated, just to see his priceless scared expression again before I went to unlock the door of my car.

He immediately ran behind his own car while Bandito happily jumped out of it, barking loudly, showing his usual alumni celebration.

"Is he dangerous?" Skye hesitantly waited at his car.

"If I want him to..." I answered smirking.

"Shall this monster ride with us in the car?"

Oh man, he was such a tight-ass, doubtlessly so in worry about the cleanness of his car seats.

"Of course. Either both of us or none of us, it's your choice. By the way his name is not monster, it's Bandito."

"Well, seems like I don't have another choice," he sighed and unlocked the car doors for us to get in.

"Oh and I forgot to say that he might puke on your seats."

"What??"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

TAYLOR:

Dear Diary,  


A huge rush of excitement hit me again when I went on stage this night. Whether somebody is a world famous artist, musician, or even known locally as a performer, they will all experience the same rush that being on stage provides. Nothing beats the feeling when the lights go down.  
At the beginning of a show the adrenaline is so overwhelming, it's incredible to express. I can’t help but just let loose. Nothing in the world matters anymore except this single moment. The music now controls my heartbeat.

Standing in front of 20,000 people, performing for their entertainment and the feeling of others appreciating my performance, seriously there is no better place to be than on stage. To be able to share my talent and for them to appreciate, it feels really fulfilling. Standing on a large stage with thousands of adoring fans in front of me, singing back my own lyrics and holding up posters that fans took time to create just for me is never a tiring experience.

I look around and see nothing but Love. 

Everyone sweating and moving to my music in rhythm, nothing matters anymore. I don't believe I could ever successfully describe what music means to me because it means so many different things.

Music can mean comfort, sadness, joy; any type of emotion, but it can also be memories both good and bad, a way of learning or a way of teaching. I could connect music to just about every single aspect of my life. I have grown up around music, and it's a part of my lifestyle.

A day without music literally changes me, I feel incomplete. To me, music is a way to let out emotions when there isn't anyone to share them with, a way to express yourself when you can't find the right words, a way for you to be who you are without any judgement.

Music is life, and you choose how much of that life you are going to live.

There was a time when it was a very odd feeling to think that all those people have paid to see me perform, when once upon a time I just used to perform to family and friends.

To be honest, even though I have been doing this for years, I cannot shake the stage fright, but once I'm on stage, it's over. For me it is the place where I can lay off my shyness and only live for my passion.  
Writing helps me to get down to earth especially when I'm on tour. My father once gave me the advice to write a diary. He knew I needed something to review my experiences and I retained the old custom until now.  
Performing on stage also helps me to forget about the negative things in my life.  
I know it's true that it seems my fans are getting more hysterical with every show day, 

they pull at my hair, my clothes, trying to get any piece of me while they're screaming, crying and singing their hearts and lungs out. Those are just a few examples of what I've experienced so far. It's kinda bizzare.

If they only know how much I'm grossed out when those hysterical girls flash me and show their boobs in the crowd. Maybe they would change their minds on wanting me. But I try not to think about it, I appreciate their passion too much and I really love my job, although it's difficult sometimes in this unreal glitter world to find a piece of normality.  
I'm still hoping things will turn for the better, for me and for my family....

Even though I should be lucky for everything I have, there are still tears which come at night when loneliness hit me again...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The evening passed by, once again my show was a big success and extraordinarily good.

Nothing unusual happened until my 15 minutes break three hours later.

I was back in my private room again, getting changed and relaxing for a few minutes until I had to get back on stage again for the encore.

I didn't know how to deal with those letters, to be honest; I hoped things would take a turn for the better when Skye's promising efforts would help us find someone who would be able to get to the bottom of things. A knock on my door interrupted my thoughts.

"He's already here Taylor." I heard Skye's voice from a distance. He opened the door and smiled at me beamingly.

“Wow, so fast? I’m impressed.” I smiled back at him. Hopefully my fears will come to an end now.

Skye stepped aside to let him in.

He walked into my room, a long haired young man nearly my age and a black dog followed him in.

"This is Blade and Bandito...." his voice full of excitement.

I raised my head to look at him closer.

I almost slipped out of my seat when I saw who he was.

"ZAC?!?" My throat felt constricted.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

video inspiration for this Chapter:

Taylor Hanson - Where were you by Sirsa Shekim


	4. Chapter 4

Taylor:

I was taken aback. I stood up and walked closer to him on my wobbly feet. I stopped when I was just a few feet away from him. His lifted head gave me a perfect view on the contours of his jaw.

It had been over nine years since I saw my brother for the last time, it was when we lost our parents and I nearly didn't recognize him! What was he doing here??? I tried to study him in any possible way I could.

His hair was a little darker and shorter, but his upright posture and the way he stood up in front of me were so familiar, it was just like my brother Zac.

He had changed a lot, quite obviously. But after those long years of not hearing about each other,  
I guess I had too.

He looked so different than I remembered him. Was he really Zac?! I ran my shaking fingers through my hair, as if it could help me calm my nerves. I had to make sure that the person standing right in front of me was really my brother. I had to check his eyes; I needed to see them to be sure.

“Could you please remove your sunglasses?” I asked carefully.

Instead of giving in to my request, he just looked at me with a blank expression on his face.  
What is wrong with him!?

"I am here for a security job," were his first words. His voice sounded cold and numb, as if he didn't care at all about us seeing each other again after such a long time.

He moved his head to his side and gave Skye a disparagingly glance, before his lips moved again.

“Your lover boy here said you're in need of someone to keep you away from danger.”

My jaw literally dropped to the floor. What did he just said? Skye was my lover? Was he really Zac?!

My mouth opened to correct his wrong assumptions between myself and Skye, but I knew how ridiculous it would turn the situation so I kept silent. I was taken aback to see my brother for the first time after an eternity and clearing an alleged relationship with Skye was definitely not a priority.

I felt my hands trembled more. I bit my lower lip so hard that I could taste blood. I felt sure that he was my brother, but seeing his actions and hearing his words made me unsure at the same time.

His words surprised me; I thought my heart jumped up to my throat clogging it mercilessly. We stared silently at each other for a minute or maybe longer than that, until I couldn't hold his gaze anymore.  
I contemplated in my head how awkward the unexpected scene probably looked like.  
Of course Skye was the first one who found his words again.

"You know Blade already?" The look on his face was kind of funny, a mix of surprise and cluelessness. Skye was still beaming like a school girl thrilled to conjure forth Big Apple Circus. But my heart was pounding so loud that my worries forced me to hold my feelings in to mention it.

"Blade? Who is Blade?" I asked confused. "I thought you wanted to procure me a bodyguard?"

"Yes and here he is Taylor." Skye pointed impatiently towards my brother who was still watching me like a creeper.

"I was told that a bodyguard is badly needed, if the job doesn't work out I'll go. But I won't come back."

His cold toneless response irritated me.

I wondered what happened to him. What the hell happened to my brother...?

"Skye, I can't hire my little brother as my bodyguard that would be ridiculous!” I said. The words came straight out of my mouth without thinking.

I really didn't want to sound judging, the whole situation was just completely out of the blue. I hadn't even expected to see him ever again in my life after our contact broke up years ago. I expected anyone but not my brother.

Mixed emotions were floating through my mind and seeing him again seemed to bring back my past. Honestly, I didn’t know what to think about him. I studied him again and for a second, it looked as if he wanted to say something but perhaps I was wrong because he kept silent and continued staring at me, disparagingly.

Since we didn't have our parents anymore, we never came together for holidays or other celebrations.

After almost a decade, I didn’t know him anymore. A part of him looked familiar, but he seemed so distant and impervious. I had no idea if my words had hurt him or what he thought about me. He had become a stranger to me.

I sensed that he waited for an explanation.

"Zac I'm sorry, but I can't..." I began but he sharply cut me off.

"Don't you dare call me Zac again; you have no right to call me that anymore!"

I winced a little; I didn't expect his sudden anger. Why was he so full of despise..? I opened my mouth to say something, but there were no words which might say something sensible.

But I should have known that he would not give a shit about my opinion, coz his emotionless voice broke my thoughts with his snubbing, sarcastic response.

"Fuck you over spoiled superstar! Thanks for wasting my time. Come on Bandito." A shrill whistle came through his teeth as he turned around and didn't waste time to walk out the door.

Skye who just stood there and had watched us for the last minutes looked as if his eyeballs would jump out of his head every second. He shifted his jaw and gesticulated wildly in Zac's direction.

"What was that? Why did you let him go, Taylor!?" He stared at me in disbelief.

I gave him a frown.

"Skye, he's my little brother. I just can't hire my little brother as my bodyguard!" I repeated. I felt exhausted. I didn’t know how else to respond.

"So what? No one needs to know, Taylor!" Skye shrugged uncomprehendingly. "How come you never told me that you have such a good looking brother like him??"

I shook my head, trying to get back to the conversation,

"Did you even hear how he called me? He looks like a gangster now, and his hair alone should keep him off the list!"

"Taylor, despite everything, he is really good! He's just a wild rocker type. I beg you please think about it! He's the Blade I told you about. He is experienced in his business.”

"Oh yeah as a thug?! No thanks. However, I don't have time anymore to discuss it with you; I have to go back on stage now. You don't need to ask again if I will hire my younger brother as a bodyguard. I can take of myself and don't need my little brother to protect me. That's completely out of the question!

I tried to focus my attention on my performance as I turned around toward the door. I needed to concentrate during my concerts, for my fans. I would deal about the encounter with my younger brother later.

I heard Skye sighing behind me as I walked upstairs towards the stage again. I felt his stare at my back but I didn't turn around to face him again.

The crowd was getting impatient; they had waited long enough for my encore songs.

********************************

BLADE:

I ignored everyone and walked fast on my way while I walked fast out of the venue. I wandered past the fucking high society snobs who stared at me and Bandito as if we came from another world. This place was not where I belonged. Some of them squeaked and cringed upon seeing me with my dog. That's one of the advantages of having a dog like Bandito; people automatically give you a wide berth.

I was angry about my senseless waste of time I could have made another pile of money in my brothel. Instead, I let Santa and that high society milk boy convince me to come here for a job which came to nothing.

My blood was boiling and I was sorely tempted to command Bandito to bite everyone on my way out and to eat every piece of those fucking snobs. To create scars on their skin just like the scars on me that would never disappear... All of them were hypocrites, idiots, sheltered shits which don’t have any fucking clue about life. I snorted and spat on the crumbling pavement.

I felt cheated. I didn’t know that Skye was working for Taylor fucking Hanson.

I immediately realized why he looked familiar to me at the very moment I was standing face to face with my brother.

Brother, Pshaw! I spat scornfully again. I didn't have a family anymore and I didn't need one.

Now I had to walk back to the other side of town, the part in which I belonged. Bandito wouldn't bear another car ride. Hopefully, the walk would help me get a clear mind once I got back to work and checked on my brothel.

I couldn't bear anybody around me right now and if Skye dared to follow me, I'd fucking punch his innocent face until it wouldn't look so innocent anymore. His image played through the back of my head. I gritted my teeth and walked faster.

Thanks to that high society snob, now I had to deal with repressed memories. Memories that I only wanted to forget. I lived for the present and took things as they came. Looking behind was just a senseless waste of time and energy for pain and bad memories.

And Taylor? My smug heartthrob brother of whom everyone thinks is the prettiest boy in the world needed someone to protect him? How pathetic! So he sent out his gay boy Skye to bring me to him?? I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. It was just too fucking ridiculous. I felt my fists clench by my sides. The urge in me to punch their fucking innocent faces was stronger than ever. I didn't give a shit that he rejected me; his rejection only confirmed my impression that there was nothing left between us.

After all those years, that’s what he gave me.

He doubtlessly hasn't changed a bit. He was still blonder than a princess. Twice as pretty too and gayer than a twisted rainbow.

It’s been nine fucking years since I saw him. I was 16. Our parents had died in a car crash and we were left on our own. Back then, I believed there would be a reason for us to stay together in our house. Long ago, we even had a good relationship. But the death of our parents broke us apart. I knew that Taylor couldn't deal with their death, and instead of being there for each other, he just absconded and let me to deal with everything alone.

Thanks to Taylor, I had nobody to turn to but myself that time. I had no fucking clue how it felt to be alone until that point.

Taylor wasn't there when I needed him the most.

He only cared about his own fucking career. Eventually, he became a superstar but didn’t even give a goddamn shit about the people he left behind...

There was no reason to forgive him now. He didn’t even realize his behavior. He was still the same careless, selfish person I knew.

I remember how he was walking out of our parent’s house, a few days after their funeral. His eyes were red and he looked shit scared. Our home, the family I had known didn't exist anymore. That time, he was already fanatic about his music. After their death, he immersed himself all the more into it, determined to find a way to fulfill his dream.

Unlike him, I faced up the death of our parents. Unlike him, I didn’t run away to forget. Taylor was always so obsessed about his music, to sing and to be famous that he forgot everything around him.  
I knew that he wouldn't come back.

After Taylor was gone, things went differently. 

The situation at home became unbearable. I moved out a few weeks later, joined the army and got occupied about my preparation in army education and my future career.

I grew up and learned what's best for me and if that meant I had to live without a family, then I was okay with that.

Through the years of training, I've learned to be independent and stand on my own. I've experienced the worst and went through hell. I've tasted blood and seen the most horrible scenarios, that they became too familiar to even categorize, nothing could shock me anymore.

Meanwhile, I was ok with receiving no phone calls, no appearances, or short visits. I was fucking ok. He was not interested in finding out what happened to me; therefore I was not interested in his life. I never read gossip rags shit. I didn’t give a fuck about him. He had become one of those faceless strangers to me.

I was busy enough dealing with my own life. There was no reason to think and worry about a wannabe brother. Those long years we haven’t seen each other had put thick walls between us.  
Now I didn’t need him anymore. I got along very well without a family.

But why did I have to be reminded of our hometown, our home, and our parents?

I didn't expect to see him again, enough years passed by for me to forget him.  
Why the fuck did fate lead me to see him again?

I gritted my teeth and put my hands into tight fists, imagining that it was Skye’s neck I was wringing. Because of that bubbling nightmare, I’m in this situation.

As I looked to my side I saw the face of my brother on a huge billboard of a massive building.

One more reason to walk out of this fucking high society district. No wonder I never spent time in this part of the town. I continued walking fast, a reminder of what just happened was the last thing I needed, seeing him again only brought back the past.

He was effortlessly living in his ideal glittered life without worrying about people he left behind.

Taylor’s life was far different compared to mine. But I had no complains with that, as long as we dealt with our shit separately.

I turned to the left in the direction of my business…

My activities in this bloody hell of a life were enough to keep me going and just live every day without a thought for tomorrow. All I needed was some 'snow' from time to time. I was absolutely fine with it.

I didn’t have a single reason to change anything.

********************************

TAYLOR:

When I went on stage for the encore songs of my concert, I couldn't concentrate on the notes anymore and messed up several times.

It was unusual for me to play the wrong notes, making multiple mistakes and forgetting lyrics of my songs. Sure, I slipped little mistakes from time to time, but not like that night. I couldn't stop thinking about the encounter I had with my younger brother. I felt stupid for letting him walk away. I couldn’t pretend and act like I was ok.

Instead of singing the chorus twice before the bridge, I only sang it once. I couldn’t sing the lyrics of my songs correctly; I couldn’t even tap my feet and clap my hands with the crowd anymore. I really needed the night to end.

At least the audience seemed not to notice or they didn't care. They were wild, hysterical and loud as usual.

But I couldn't enjoy the final songs anymore. I was relieved when the curtains closed and the show was finally over. I longed for relaxation in a quiet hotel room. A refreshing foam bath with scented candles around me would be a perfect ending of this busy day. I needed to think and review all of my experiences during the evening.

But I immediately realized that the unexpected incidents of the night weren't over when I saw Skye hurrying towards me as soon as I got off the stairs from the stage.

"Taylor, Taylor I... I don't know how to explain this to you... but... your wife..." Skye heaved a heavy breath before he spoke terrifying words to me. "She got murdered!" His voice almost cracked and the pale on his face expression was all I needed to know that he was serious.

"What?"

He placed his hands on my shoulders and gripped them tightly before he continued. “I'm so sorry, I know that it sounds like a horrible nightmare... but it is true…....”

I suddenly felt how I lost ground under my feet and everything began to whirl in a circle repeatedly. Then abruptly, everything turned black.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

video inspiration for this Chapter: 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter: sexual content

Taylor:

I must have fainted because the next moment I remembered was Skye staring down at me, his blue eyes with a worried expression.

"Are you alright Taylor?" He wiped over my sweaty forehead with a cold washcloth.

"Yeah, I guess I am." I responded dizzily.

Then I heard how Skye mentioned Natalie’s name, my head hurt so bad and it took awhile until my memories slowly came back and I could hardly listen to his words anymore. Even though I felt empty and numb, I was aware of tears running down my cheeks. All I could remember were Skye's words as he talked insistently about me having a bodyguard right away, he was also crying and his arms embraced me tightly as he kept on talking.

"You really need a bodyguard, Taylor. More than ever! You won't find a better one than your brother for now. Let me get him back for you, okay? He’s your only family now. Bear that in mind Tay!”

I leaned my body to him weakly and I didn't have the strength to decline his urgent request anymore. I came to understand that security was now more important than to think about minor matters. I just cried silently into his arms.

“Eagle Eye is outside, waiting for you. Do you think you can walk now Taylor? He needs to talk to you and he can accompany you as I talk to your brother.” He pushed me gently up and wiped the tears on my cheeks. At that very moment, the only person I could trust was Skye, there was no one else.

"Okay." I gave in to him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Blade:

The red light district welcomed me like a familiar cunt whose hole I had fucked 5000 times. For the first time, I even felt comfortable living here where I could breathe in and breathe out the dirty truth of real life. The streets of this district were rubbish-strewn and junkies sat everywhere in house entrances and hidden corners to take a hit. You can rarely walk through this district without getting asked if you want to buy any kind of drugs, poison, if you have any change or if you want a blow job. When the whores, pimps, criminals and drug addicts are the only ones out on the streets at night it seemed like walking through a zombie adventure game.

This filthy dirty place of hookers, junkies, pushers, and killers was my home, that's the place where I belonged. In fact, this was exactly where I should and deserved to be.

However, the night was still young. I would just check on my brothel, fuck one of my sluts to begin the evening and get back to reality.

Besides to the fact that my business time was lessened because of that unworthy meeting, I knew I had to deal with Santiago later. That old man knew how to talk shit to me. I frowned at the thought that he probably knew by now what happened. It was hard to imagine that Skye would shut his mouth about it.

I regret helping him that night. I really should have let him be mugged by those thugs. He totally deserved it.

I turned to the left in the direction of my business. I was still furious about everything when I finally arrived at my brothel.

I went straight to the reception area and left Bandito with my assistant.

"You stay here buddy, got it?"

He looked up at me attentively, as if he immediately understood what I just said. The tone of my voice couldn't hide the still sustaining anger in me, he probably sensed it.

He walked directly to his blanket at the corner and plopped himself down.

“You’re kind of late, Sir, busy day?”

My receptionist greeted me as she handed me a list of the customers we had so far.

“Let me see if you did a good job while I was gone," were my moving words as a deigned a look at her, ignoring her question like usual. I flashed a quick glance of control on the list.

"Fine. Seems like a good night for my business, doll. Now it's time for some real pleasure.”

I threw the record aside, removed my sunglasses and looked down the hallway in which a few of my hookers were waiting for their customers.

After some short glances of appraisal, I found my source of pleasure for the night and walked towards the brunette bitch wearing a leather top that pushed her tits up.

“Got a customer, Chantal?” I let my eyes travel down her risqué neckline, then to her excessively rouged face.

“None at the moment Sir." She replied.

"Good. You're going to come with me to my office!"

I smirked a little before I placed my hand around her neck, guiding her to my office and letting the tips of my fingers brush the soft flesh of her breast with my other hand.

“Remove your clothes. Make it quick.”

I commanded after closing the door of my private room. I wasn't in the mood for a long foreplay; I had wasted enough time today.

She gave me a seductive smile before she began stripping in front of me. I sat comfortably on my bed after removing my leather jacket.

Not breaking our eye contact, she began to undress herself, her top first, her bra and short skirt afterwards. She was completely naked when she walked towards me, and placed both of her knees on my sides, her tits hovering over my face.

I placed my experienced palms on them and began to massage them roughly.

“I'm going to fuck you hard now, Babe." I informed her about my intention.

I squeezed her tits and teased her nipples with my thumbs. She arched her back and mewed like a cat. It made my prick jerk and throb like it has a life of its own. She didn't respond to my urgent words, whatever. She knew she had to obey, anyway.

I gave her neck a bite as I continued massaging her.

“Undress me.”

She followed my command instantly.

She pulled my shirt off first and trailed down kisses from my neck to my navel. Then she kneeled between my legs as she fumbled with my belt. I leaned back and rested my hands behind my head, watching her do her job. I lifted my hips for her to remove my jeans and boxers swiftly.

After she had successfully undressed me, she went back to her previous position and wrapped her lank fingers around my cock, lightly stroking it.

"Go ahead babe," I said.

She looked up at me with a questioning look.

“I want to suck it, Sir, can I?”

What the hell did she think I was waiting for? Retarded bitch.

I placed my hand at the back of her head and pushed it against my crotch.

“Go on, suck my cock!”

Right after she heard my answer, she opened her mouth to envelop the head of my cock with her cherry red lips. Her head bobbed up and down while her fingers clung at my thighs for support.

“That’s it, suck it real nice, fucking dirty whore.”

I held her head firmly between my legs guiding her as I moved my hips in rhythm with her mouth. I let her suck me for several minutes before I pulled her head off my cock.

“Dirty sluts like you deserve some hard fucking, get on the bed and bend over.”

She followed my orders like a puppy and positioned herself on the bed while I put a condom on. I grabbed her hips and positioned behind her.

My hard cock teased her wet entrance.

“You enjoy sucking my cock, bitch?” I grabbed a fistful of her brunette hair.

“Oh yes Sir, I liked it so much.” Her entrance was lightly stroking against the head of my cock.

“You damn lewd whore.” I pushed my hips forward and filled her up.

She cried out over and over again as I rammed into her repeatedly. I fucked her hard. The kind of fuck a dirty bitch like her deserved.

My sluts were used to rough kind of fucks. I vented out all my spleen in my hard thrusts into her. My sluts knew that I could do with them whatever I fucking wanted. Rough and loveless sex was exactly what I needed to feel better.

When I was done, I pulled myself from her while she let herself crash on the bed, breathing heavily.

“Lock the door when you leave, babe, I need to take a shower. Got it?”

She just nodded with closed eyes.

I went in to my adjacent bathroom and disposed the sticky condom. Sex was more than effective, I didn't think about the past events anymore.

I had just finished showering and was getting dressed when my phone rang. I released a deep sigh when I saw Santiago’s name on the screen. Whatever. Earlier or later he would come to know what happened.

“What’s up old man missed me already?”

I sarcastically asked, in an effort to play unaware.

“Get your ass here Blade, now. Your beautiful boy is here pestering me again. If you want him to stay alive, get back here as soon as you can.”

The line ended. I slapped my palm to my forehead out of exasperation.

“Oh fuck me gently with a chainsaw fate."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for this chapter: drug use

Blade:

Sick and tired, I turned around, winded up and threw my phone out of the window.  
A chinking sound of the dirty glass was followed by the cracked broken glass bits which splintered outbound down on the street.

Enough of this fucking bullshit for today! What the fuck had I done that fate couldn't stop bothering me?

Annoyed, I sat down on the edge of the bathtub for a few minutes contemplating about my situation, not bothering about the time. At this moment, I didn't feel shame or fear, but just kind of blah, like when you're sitting there and all the water's run out of the bathtub.

I knew it was pointless to ignore Santiago, but any torture for Skye couldn't be wrong.

Yeah, that’s right. I thought to myself with a mischievous grin. Santiago could do whatever he wanted with that little prick.

I pulled a small case with my snuff utensils out of my inner jacket pocket. One of my brothel cardboard flyers was good enough as a bottom support on my lap which I could strew the white powder. Impatiently, I formed a fine line with a razor blade.

The urge had overtaken me; I couldn't wait anymore to finally find some relaxation, so I pulled the straw out of my snuff kit and sniffed the powdery shit into my nose.

Sure, taking a hit would provide a quicker effect, but this will have to do for now. I just needed to wait until the edge was gone, until the sharp edges became jagged and I could feel my body getting lighter and relaxing. My mouth felt dry and my body temperature increased but my bodily needs were completely forgotten with the slowly upcoming relaxation in me.

Silently, I sat there with closed eyes and let the dark paradise welcome me like an old, known enemy...

Any anger and tension I had melted away. They were gradually replaced by an intense feeling of special pleasure. I could feel how my senses enhanced, even my connection with my spirit felt sharper, and no distortion. The events from the past few days suddenly seemed to pass by like matters of no importance. The weight of my situation seemed to be not important anymore.

I stood up in front of the sink, leaned my hands on the edges of the basin and watched myself in the dingy mirror. I could hardly bear my look today. In just one look of my facial features, I could already see the marks caused by horrible scars of memories. The marks my past had left on me. But I wouldn't let those memories affect me. Many years had passed since I was called Zac for the last time. But that boy didn't exist anymore. His soul already died years ago. My new life was better now.

Slowly, I put my sunglasses on to cover my dilated pupils, I knew Santiago wouldn't be delighted to see me high at this early time of day but what the fuck ever.

After packing up my things, I left the bathroom and walked towards the long hallway. The dim light fell on the framed painted pictures of my sluts and the red lights district which were hanging on both sides of the wall. I had painted them in the course of time; drawing had always been a hobby for me and was one of my last creative features which I hadn't abandoned yet. I was naturally drawn to creative and solitary careers. Art was one of my only salvations from the horror of existence.

When I reached the reception area to pick up Bandito, my blonde receptionist bitch walked towards me followed by a middle aged man.

"Sir, a new customer is looking for you," she said in her 'pretending to be nice' assumed voice.

"Not today, my work is done." The last thing I needed right now was another megahorny perverted customer.

"But Sir, this man is requesting for something special..." she said adamantly. Obviously she wasn't able to deal with him by herself, or she was just too bird-brained, probably both of those.

"Well, then I will give him something special!"

I walked towards the surprised looking man, grabbed his collar and shoved him roughly out of the door before he had a chance to react and complain.

“That’s how we treat special customers.” I said emotionless and gave him a hard push.

"Don't forget to come and see us again Sir," my stupid bitch cat called in his direction.

"This was the last time I'd be willing to spend money in this low class limit brothel!" He yelled angrily, before bending down to pick up his hat which fell to the ground, he brushed it off fussily as if the pavement was infected by a contagious disease.

"Fine. Piss off you fucking Loser! The only thing that goes erect when I'm near you is my middle finger."

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I exclaimed grinning and gave him the finger. Not wasting more time with the pervert, I turned my attention to my Rottweiler who was excitedly waiting in the corner for me.

"Come on buddy, hurry! We have to go." I commanded impatiently.

"Warf." He jumped over to me as if he hadn't seen me for years.

"Good... good night Sir." My receptionist sounded clearly intimidated but still spoke in the same assuming voice like before. The smell of her hairspray and cheap perfume smelled more intensively to me than usual when I'm on drugs and it made me sick. I finally needed to get out of there. I didn't give her one more look.

"Yeah. Fuck you too barbie." I slammed the door behind me while I stepped outside with Bandito.

Santiago was probably already highly pissed that I still had not appeared. I hoped that Skye was already lying somewhere injured in the gutter. I smirked to myself before I put the ear buds of my Ipod in and started down the road in the direction of Santiago's bar.

It's been eight bitter years since I've been seeing your face.  
(Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba)  
And you're walking away, and I will die in this place.

Damn fucking Gerard Way’s voice seemed to be mocking me. Although in another note, I might agree with him. My life was a fucking mess but I was used to dealing with it. The more it got messed up, the more I felt that I had deserved it. So instead of getting pissed by the song, I just hummed the lyrics as I walked to Santiago's bar, letting myself drift in the stimulating effect of cocaine in my system.

When Bandito and I arrived at the saloon, I began to feel guilty. Unfortunately, the brief walk and inhaling the familiar exhaust gas pollution of this dirty skid row quarter had already lessened the effect a little.

“Finally he’s here!” Santiago exclaimed as soon as he had set his eyes on me.

"Nathaniel, one soda for my friend Blade here," he quickly shouted towards the kitchen before I could order something else.

He looked exasperated and irritated as he talked to Skye who was sitting opposite him, head bent down.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I walked over to them, after looking at Santiago pitifully; he must have suffered a lot listening to someone like Skye. Now, I understand why my friend sounded almost desperate when he called me. Santiago wasn’t usually a talkative person that was one of his habits that I liked about him, only when he needed to and I could only imagine the flow of their conversation while they were waiting for me. My best friend hadn't deserved to get pestered as well by some pompous high society homos; it was highly time to put an end to that.

With built up anger, I grabbed Skye's collar and pulled him from his chair, full of resolution to stave his head. Like I had assumed, he didn't shut his damn cocksucking gob and now it was about time to silence him.

"Oh my god, no..." A panicky, girly cry came out of Skye's mouth that was clearly useless if there was no dick in it.

"Hey, hey calm down, Blade," Santiago shouted and pulled at my arm to stop me. I hadn't reckoned with his reaction, but I couldn't see another way to give Skye the lesson he had deserved.

"Why? I'm just helping you to get rid of this fucking snip, Santa!"

At that moment I saw Skye's tear streaked face. What the fuck was going on here? A pity ploy wouldn't work with me. I spurned any discussion with this stuck-up prig, there's no sense in another conversation with him.

"Sit down Hanson, Syke has some serious news," he commanded, still pulling at my arm but this time with more strength which increased my anger and confusion all the more. Santiago must have been in a bad mood when he used my family name. Skye needed a bitter lesson of experience!

"Oh yeah?! And he is going to experience some more now!" I loudly announced my plan and reinforced my grip a little more with each word I spoke. For the third time that annoying fagott crossed my way and messed with my life which were already three times too much!

"Blade, please let me explain," The limp wristed, lily-livered snivelying crybaby sobbed in a whiny voice of which I would be mischievous if I wasn't so pissed off at him.

"YOU are not my fucking problem!" I angrily spat all the venom I felt for him into his flawless model milkface. He winced and tried to jump back in a pathetic effort to free himself.

"Blade, I said stop that shit now!"

"Shut up Santa! I want to enjoy this." I shrugged Santiago's hand roughly off me and pushed Skye deeper into his seat with such untamed aggression and brutality that the corner bench threatened to fall down with him.

"Ow! That hurts!" The pathetic pushover whined for mercy in my strong grip.

"Oh yeah? It's supposed to hurt! It's called pain and gain, pussy!"

"Blade, I won't repeat myself again, LET HIM THE FUCK GO!" Santiago threatened again with emphasis in his tone that I knew all too well from him.

The world just had no win for me.

"Fine. He isn't worth it anyway." With the utmost reluctance I eventually let go of the pathetic pushover in my grasp.

Skye looked shit scared and frightened, hopefully he would learn from that experience.

Disparagingly, I shoved the pathetic pussy wussy to the side and sat down in my place. Impatient and pissed off I clasped my hands on top of the table and avoided looking at the milk face, coz he might start talking, or whimper, or cry again, whichever of the three.

Feeling unsatisfied about the still outstanding plan, I stared at Santiago, trying to forget that there was another person beside me.

"Skye came here an hour ago and told me what happened."

"I knew that the fucking prick wouldn't shut his fucking mouth." I snarled in an extremely pissed off tone, shooting Skye a glance full of despise and daggers to which he responded with an apologizing look.

My kingdom for a butcher knife...

"Shut the fuck up Blade and let me finish this! Your brother's wife was murdered today. He and Skye heard the news shortly after you left."

I set my soda can down on the table which Nathaniel brought me shortly before. I couldn't be bothered to talk about my fucking brother again. To meet that chatter box Skye again was more than enough imposition.

"You mean he isn't gay?" I asked with pretended surprise in my tone. I knew my pretense failed miserably, but I didn't give a flying fuck.

"That's not what I said. What the fuck? Did you even listen to me?!?"

Santiago's eyes narrowed to small slits and milkface Skye just stared at me in disbelief behind his ridiculous lace handkerchief with pink roses at the seam.

"Of course I did. What can I say? That's none of my fucking business." I replied uninterested. I didn't want him to know that I was still on drugs but it was hard to take anyone seriously in my current condition. On a serious note, I couldn't care less about my brother's sexuality.

"Blade, I'm sorry that you're angry about me and that your brother declined you. But he changed his mind; he really wants you to come back. He needs you Blade. You're his only family now."

"Fuck your opinion! I don't have a family anymore and I won't go back." I exclaimed indifferently before taking another sip of my drink.

May as well move to Alaska and live alone with a pack of huskies instead of living in the shadow of such a conceited hyprocite around me. That'd still be a better choice.

"Blade, please. How can you live with it if something happens to your brother?" Skye continued arguing, trying his best to sound as sympatethic possible. As if that helped him to change my opinion. I scoffed about his naivety.

"Well, welcome to real life." I stated unimpressed. Taylor could live the fact that something worse might happen to me for the last nine fucking years, so why shouldn't I?!

"I'm serious. Your brother needs you more than..." he tried to beg me again.

"You are just wasting your time milksop. I just told you a decision, not a stuff to discuss."

"Blade, please... have a heart." He was almost crying now, the pinkish blush on his pronouced cheekbones seemed to announce new hysterics.

Why was there no remote control to turn off such annoying people?

They should build skyrockets and shoot that kind of race on another planet and if they have they're happy, they'll get rid of their pathetic weepiness after a few devil worship incantantions.

"Shut the fuck up sissy wimp or I'm going to slap the fuck out of you. The decision is final and this was my last warning." I barked, losing my patience. Saving his girly faggot butt once was more than he could ask for, I wasn't responsible for his defenseless sissy ass nor for the fucking glamour princess he worked for.

Just as I began to ponder about how to convince Santiago to get rid off that pain in the ass, he finally cut us out.

“Skye, can you give us a minute?”

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He had heard that my decision was final. I knew he would surely talk this out on me. But I wouldn’t let him. Even if the whole world is flooded with piss water and Taylor sits on the last dry tree, I would not go back to him and be his bodyguard.

Skye gave in to his request reluctantly. Santiago sounded very certain, though. Maybe Skye parried because of that. I actually wanted to congratulate Santiago for getting rid of him the moment he stood up, if I wasn’t distracted by the urgent way Santiago stared at me.

I smirked and drummed satisfiedly with my fingers on the table.

We both quietly watched Skye leave the room. Me, smiling that he left and Santiago, well, I didn’t want to think about it.

When Skye's boney ass was finally out of my sight, I looked back at Santiago and raised my soda can to clink it with him. But instead of a party with me, he placed his hand on my shoulders and gripped it lightly.

“Blade, do you consider me as a real friend?”

“Shit! Are we going to talk about how much we love each other right now? I'm not ready, man, can we skip that part?” I retorted sarcastically, leaning back against the back of my chair.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Instead of retorting back any intelligent reply, Santiago leaned his elbows on the table nearing his face to mine.

“Blade, I know why you’re doing this to yourself, I fucking knew it from day one and don’t you dare deny it. If you consider me as a real friend and…” he added louder after seeing that I was about to interrupt him again. Maybe I should just bark at him until he finally relented.

“If you really want to make it up to me, then you’ll follow my advice NOW.”

I immediately sank into my seat. I clutched my teeth not because of anger, but because of guilt. I was wrong. I thought cocaine could numb the hell out of me. But it didn’t. In just one line, Santiago already caught me. I immediately knew that he must be really serious when he tried to catch my attention that way. It was the very first time he mentioned that there was something that I needed to do for him.

He knew that I’ve been trying to do something for him ever since. Santiago knew me better than anyone. He was one of the reasons why I stick around and stayed here in the city instead of going back to my hometown. Besides the fact that nobody was waiting for me in our old house. I knew I had to give something back to him. I’ve always been waiting for an opportunity to make up.

I didn’t need to give him any answer for him to realize that he finally got my full attention. So I just waited for him to finally tell me what I could do to help him in any way.

Sure, I always hoped to give something back to Santiago after everything he did for me, but asking me to leave the way of life I preferred wasn’t right. If he really knew the reason why I left the army more than a year ago, then he knew that I couldn’t just simply go back. One year was not enough suffering for me. The punishment will never be enough to make up.

"Blade, I want you to take this job. Damn, you should thank god that you still have a family soldier, I'd jump for joy if I could... if I still had one."

Our conversation was calm now. Without Skye, there was no reason anymore to feel furious and I knew it was hopeless to contradict Santiago. He was right. The damn old man was always right and I fucking hate him for that!

"You are my only family." I said after a while of silence.

"It's nice that you say that Blade, but like what I said earlier, I don't want you to miss this chance. If you really want to pay me, then now’s your chance. I want you to do this job, and I expect that you won’t reject it.”

Santiago knew I couldn’t say no to that. He fucking planned this. On top of that he had pulled out his fucking In comparison to me 'You still have your family' triumph card. He must have given a lot of thoughts on how he would convince me, and he won.

It didn't need to be said out loud. I took his words without any objections because I knew what I owed him.

"Now be a good bodyguard, go with Skye and protect your brother! The next time I see you, you better not appear to be on drugs! Don't think I didn't notice it.” He smirked at me, reached his arm out, removed my sunglasses and put them into my breast pocket.

“Skye, you can come back now."

"Oh hell..." I sighed and slapped my forehead with my palm again. I just wasn’t going to win.

Actually, I expected Skye squealing and jumping like a school girl again, but instead, he came back and immediately wrapped his arms around me once I stood up. Just like my girly faggot brother, he too had a tall slender body, a cherubic face and crystal blue eyes, a smooth milky skin and pouting rosy lips.

"Thank you so much Blade, you won't regret it. I promise. Your brother will appreciate your presence." He gayly crooned. I would have been better entertained if I shoot myself. Shit, that queer was the most annoying bastard on the planet.

"Yeah, what the fuck ever." I groaned and grimaced disgusted at the dangler around my waist. Was that really necessary on top of that?

Maybe instead of brutally murdering Skye, I might hit him a couple of times with a steel baseball bat...

Everybody needs some satisfaction from time to time...

I pushed Skye away from me, uncaring that he nearly lost his balance on his shiny, spick and span shoes.

"Don't ever do that again or I will break every single bone of your scrawny body. Got it?" I threatened, pointing my finger at him menacingly.

Skye looked at me wide-eyed and swallowed taken aback. "T...Trust me, I won't." He stuttered flustered. In the corner of my eye I saw him smoothing down his hair and clothes as I turned around to Santiago. I had a negative sense of foreboding and that sissy queer was the beginning of it. One of us had to visit the dead house soon so that there could be global balance again.

"Can I leave Bandito here 'til tomorrow? I can't make another car ride with him." I said to the old man. I didn't know if I would be back before Santiago's bar closed in the early morning hours.

"Sure, no problem." He agreed and patted Bandito's head.

"But don't feed him with that damn Mexican grub. Otherwise you will have to deal with his sensitive stomach." I informed him and nodded to my dog whom wiggled his stumpy tail and looked up to me as if he would laugh about me.

"What the fuck are you still doing here? Beat it! NOW!" Santiago barked and motioned us to go. I obviously wasn't the only one who had experienced enough chit chat for one day.

"Can we go now Blade?" Skye tantalizingly batted his eyelashes at me in a gay manner and I forced myself not to regurgitate all over myself.

Damn me. Damn me to an eternity in hell!

"Yes, but we will take my car this time." I insisted. Rumbling obscenities at me, we headed out of the bar as a wicked thought crossed my mind.

Would this bubbly milk boy be able to bear a high speed drive? That might be interesting...

I smirked mischievously to myself after shooting Skye an evil glance.

The jury is still out...

"I hope you are happy now." I spat in Santiago's direction before I walked out of the door and gave him a last look of reproach.

He just answered me by raising his glass towards me with a fat victory smile sitting on his face. "Hasta luego."

Fucking jerk.


	7. Chapter 7

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

An incredible feeling of shock and daze had overtaken me by the dreadful events.  
I couldn’t remember much about how I ended up sitting here, a total mess, beside Eagle Eye. He had kept me up as he led me out of the harsh lights of the building and into the cool night air; he had guided me out of the venue. Supported by him, I stumbled dizzily beside him through the impenetrable fog to his police car. I did not want the horrible events to be true and tried to pretend I was just dreaming, although deep inside I knew I was not.

Skye was not here anymore and I could not understand why he had left me alone when I needed him so badly right now. Without him, I felt so left alone.

What I remembered was that, he kept on saying the name 'Blade' before he left. Skye was still obsessed with the idea to find my brother and have him work for me as my bodyguard. I couldn't convince him to stay with me. I didn't know how to endure this situation without Skye by my side.

Unbearable feelings of guilt overtook me.

Why did I not care enough about my pregnant wife to arrange security for her in our home? Why didn't I take those weird letters seriously? Was it all my fault? Who else should I blame but myself...?

The brutal reality caught me off guard and now I got punished for my inexcusable recklessness.

Skye repeatedly reminded me of how important it is for me to have a security and that the police couldn't keep an eye on me 24 hours a day.

Now it was too late. I couldn't turn back time and prevent the horrible events. I didn't want to feel anything anymore.

The truth that I was trying to deny hurt so bad and I knew deep inside, this time I wouldn't find a way to get over it.

My mind swirled around on imagining how my wife died. Had she suffered? Had she known what was happening to her? Did she try to fight back to protect our unborn child? The swirling images escalated on how she had been killed.

Skye's words came back to me he promised me that he would come back to me soon. Before Eagle Eye and me left the venue, Skye kept on trying to comfort me,

"You will see, I will come back with your brother, he will be there for you soon."

I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't. The news of my wife's death and unborn child profoundly shocked me so much that I just felt numb.

The moment Zac’s face came to my mind, my head ached. There were two different faces, one cheerful looking face of a sixteen year old boy with long light blond hair and another one which I had seen for the first time a few hours ago. An emotionless, cold expression on a familiar face, hidden behind his dark sunglasses...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

These two faces melted into one. I couldn't even say which one was the most strangest to me.

He had changed so much; he wasn't the same Zac I knew anymore. I closed my eyes tightly. Thinking about my brother wouldn't help me. I needed an escape from everything and everyone.

My mind drifted back to Skye's upset voice as he told me about my child, that my beloved unborn child couldn’t be revived anymore.

‘Your wife, she’s been murdered….. Murdered….. Murdered……’

The awful words kept on repeating in my head. Desperation rose up in me.

‘God, this is not happening, it can’t happen to me. I maybe a useless brother, I maybe the most careless husband, but why did God really think I deserve this? It can’t be real, this can’t be happening to me. Not to Natalie and especially not to my innocent unborn child! God please, no! Those things only happen in movies, but not in real life. My baby is still alive.’

The lump in my throat felt so hard suffocating my airway so that I could hardly breathe. It felt like I was going crazy, I opened my eyes and pinched my wet cheeks over and over to feel anything beside this emotional pain. Tears were prickling my eyes, covering my eyelashes like miniature tightropes. I tried my best to balance them but I had no power to indulge myself in wishful thinking like that and seconds later, I felt salty drops running down my face.

Instead of waking up from a horrible nightmare, I heard Eagle Eye's voice talking to me,

“Taylor, stop doing that. We’re near your house, try to calm down, and don't think too much. Don’t worry, Skye will be back soon, he'll surely come back with your brother. We won't let you go through this alone.”

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I should be waking up any time soon. This is just a bizarre dream.

I closed my eyes, I just wanted to curl up in a ball, not talk to anyone or do anything, all I wanted was to cry and just die. I was so tired emotionally, physically and mentally of everything.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

“Taylor!”

I jumped when I felt strong hands grasping my arms. I opened my eyes and looked around. We were on a highway and I saw Eagle Eye looking intently at me, his face was filled with sympathy and pity.

His expression only showed me how real it was, that what I heard from Skye was true. My tears blinded me, I couldn’t control them anymore, and I was shaking too.

I couldn’t help it, my life was already a mess since my parents died and it became messier when I realized that I'm not addicted to women anymore. But I never thought that it could become even worse. My child was my only hope, my last ray of hope to get back to a regular life...

I was ready to fix my married life, to suppress my outlandish sexual preferences. I was willing to do anything for my baby. I wanted to feel how good it felt to love someone and to be loved back again. To feel something that I had not experienced in years.

But those dreams couldn't be fulfilled anymore. I had failed in everything. My family died. I lost my child, I wasn’t just a horrible brother and a husband, I was a horrible father, too.

I bit my lips hard, trying to stop myself from crying out loud. I'd love nothing better than push the car door open and scream out my feelings but I couldn't. It wouldn't make any difference.

I just wanted to drive off the next cliff and bleed until I couldn’t bleed anymore. That wouldn’t be as painful as this felt to me.

“Taylor, I know it’s hard for you, I can only imagine how it feels, but someday it’ll be alright . You'll see, time is a great healer.”

The tropical landscapes flew past us through a mist in front of my eyes.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I couldn't listen to Eagle Eye's words anymore. I knew he meant well but I couldn't see any reason why I deserved to live in this world anymore.

Who can say why your heart sighs  
As your love flies, only time  
And who can say why your heart cries  
When your love lies, only time

Enya's angelic voice from the sound speakers made me feel accomplished in my decision.

My eyes fluttered to the door knob a few inches away from me. The salvation was only one grasp away.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Slowly, I moved my right hand towards the doorknob while my other hand inconspicuously opened the seat belt.

My heart was beating faster and I felt droplets of sweat building up on my forehead.

Maybe in my next life I can be a better person than I've been in this life.

And this brings me to the end.

Now or never, I thought to myself.

With one daring move, I opened the car door wide and slid sideways on the seat.

My upper body fell out of the car like a weightless doll, my whole life ran in slow motion within seconds through my mind as I hung out of the car, some blond strands of my hair were slightly brushing the blacktop.

I leaned my head back and stretched my arms out like wings... in hope gravity will do the rest.

No matter what happens now, nothing and no one can turn back the time to give me a chance to make up for all the mistakes I made in this life.

"Taylor, Taylor! Are you crazy? What the fuck are you doing!?" Eagle Eye shouted, in a split second, his strong arms grabbed me. I didn't expect his vigorous purposeful manner, but there was no time to think about it, the car made a dangerous swerve and he lost control over it, but he didn't let go off me and managed to pull my burnt out shell forcefully back in the car.

The car tires made a deafening squeaking sound as Eagle Eye strove to gain control over the car again and we swerved about to the side stripe. As by a miracle, he somehow managed to bring the car safely to a standstill.

Gasping for air, we sat still on our seats; my mind was in a haze.

Who knows what would have happened if we collided with the grey truck in front of us...?!

Through my fault, I almost destroyed another life. When I realized my careless decision, my stomach felt sick.

Eagle Eye saved my life without hesitation.

I choked, before I leaned my upper body out of the car again, but this time because I was puking.

Eagle Eye didn't say one word about what I just did. His hands ran up and down my back, he embraced my shaking body.

I was genuinely grateful to him for his selfless, noble gesture.

Eagle Eye

It was the very first time for me I had witnessed a suicide attempt. Thankfully I was trained for situations like this, so I did what I had to do because this is my job.

Any training is not comparable to a real situation though, I had no time to remember about the professional way how to do it, I just followed my instinct. I knew a quick reaction was more important in situations like this. As I tried to control the car with one hand again, I didn't let go off Taylor, making sure he wouldn't jump out of the car again.

Taylor looked weak; he looked so fragile and empty. I didn’t know how to reassure him, how to comfort someone who didn't see a sense in living anymore. His face looked anguished and he seemed not himself anymore.

I gave him a tissue out of the glove box after he finished puking. I knew it couldn’t make anything better, but I gave it to him anyway.

When I wrapped my arms around him, I let him clutch my arms tightly, his nails digging into my skin.

I have never experienced losing someone from such a horrible death, but I saw how people suffered because of it. It would not have taken much and my colleagues would have had two more corpses to pick up.

Both of us needed a few minutes to calm down. I didn't feel that I had the right to yell at Taylor, I could only imagine how desperate he felt. He was alone and I was the only one he had at that moment. I had to be his source of strength.

No one would have thought that the famed and perfect Taylor Hanson was in this situation that no one would ever wish to be in. He was probably he was asking himself the same question. Why? Why him of all people?

I couldn’t just sit there beside him and do nothing; he was Skye's best friend. Skye never mentioned anything bad about him. Taylor was a close knitted friend to Skye and I knew that he was a really talented guy. He didn't deserve to lose his family and his own life, especially not at such a young age.

When his cries and whimpers softened, I gently pushed him back into his seat, placed his seat belt on and locked the car door next to him.

Basically, it was senseless. If he wanted to take his own life, I wouldn't be able to keep him away from another attempt but it seemed to be the only thing I could do at that moment.

I didn't know what else I could do to protect him from himself.

Instinctively, I hoped that Skye would come back soon with Taylor's brother. He couldn't be alone in his current condition.

I grabbed my phone to call Skye asking where they were.

[](https://s23.postimg.org/5m2zzeh6j/1001248_567411113305712_1605063782_n.jpg)

If it was my destiny to die with Taylor tonight during the rest of our car ride, it should be granted to me to hear Skye's voice for a very last time. But personal issues have no place on duty and I had no intentions of telling him that Taylor and I almost lost our lives only minutes ago.

A hysterical boyfriend was the last thing I needed right now. Skye would get panicky and talk a blue streak. Furthermore, he knew that I had to put my life on line almost on a daily basis in my job.

It was good to hear his voice, but I got disappointed when he told me that he was still sitting in Santiago’s bar waiting for Blade. Even though I haven’t met the guy yet, I couldn’t shake off the feeling that he would just make things worse for Taylor.

But I wouldn't dare speak out my misgivings to him in his current condition. Apparently, some people couldn’t understand the term emergency. Skye briefly told me what happened between Blade and Taylor earlier, but in emergency situations like this, personal issues should be forgotten.

I also knew that Skye had a weakness for dangerous men, but I rejected the thought as irrelevant. I had to focus on what was important at the moment, which was to drive Taylor home safely.

Shaking my head, I started the engine of the patrol car again. I had to distract Taylor from his longing to die and he should come to know what would be expected of him at his home. I knew my fellow police officer's would ask him a lot of questions, I should at least warn him.

I cleared my throat to speak with a steady voice to him.

“Taylor, I'm sure you will think it's not the right moment to say this, but I believe there is never a right moment for saying these things, I have to tell you some things which you really should know. You have to be prepared Taylor. There are already police officers in your house right now and for sure they will ask you questions. Not all of those questions will sound comprehensible for you, some of them might hurt or confuse you, or... even will make you mad. What I'm saying is, don't take those questions personally, they are routine questions for this type of situation. The more you act cooperatively, the sooner it will be over."

I gave him short glances as I spoke, but he just kept on staring out of the window. When I didn't see and hear any sign of respond from him, I continued.

"They will need information from you which might be helpful for the investigation of… of your wife’s death.” I said those last words almost inaudibly. I wanted to regret what I just said, but I couldn’t see any other way to say it.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Natalie was found dead an hour ago, and it could have been an accident, because it happens all the fucking time. However, there were too many inconsistencies that lead the detectives to believe this was not an accident.

I got informed that there were signs that she was running and struggling before she fell down the stairs, we didn't find any sign of forced entry into their house, though.

Our key piece of evidence was a note on Taylor's nightstand from a certain weird name ‘Twink Twink’, who is definitely the prime suspect on the case. We proceeded on the assumption that it was a note from a fan.

Skye already told me that Taylor received some alarming letters, but nothing more happened until today. Famous stars like Taylor receiving tons of that kind of stuff in most cases were harmless. It was very unfortunate that we couldn't take any actions to help him and his wife earlier.

Taylor didn’t say a word the whole time, but I didn't expect him to. I continued to drive him to his house and I let him have his peace. He just silently wiped his cheeks and looked out of the car window.

My job as a cop made me accustomed to deal with situations like this. I was used to seeing crimes and injustice daily, but to deal with the loved ones was always the hardest task for me in my job.

It was always difficult to find the right words, to say anything that would give hope to the affected people who were left in their endless sorrow.

Even after years in this job, it still felt horrible to see them crying and feeling lost after a horrible death, a child losing her parents, a father losing a child. I was not sure if I would ever get used to that.

My job was to avert disasters and the more I see people suffering from crimes that are happening in the society every fucking day, the more I wanted to strive harder to catch the culprits.

I wanted them to be accountable for their actions, to pay for the lost they caused with their evil deeds.

Those notorious criminals deserved to get imprisonment for life, to suffer in jail and feel alone.

Why did God let such brutal injustices happen? During my career, I still couldn’t understand why certain people had chosen to end someone’s life just to have their way which caused the loved ones to take their own lives like Taylor just tried.

With all those thoughts running through my head, I felt all the more sorry for the poor boy crying silently beside me.

May God have mercy upon those criminals, because I won't.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

video inspiration for this Chapter:

Only Time - Taylor Hanson by Enya ♥


	8. Chapter 8

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor

When Eagle Eye guided me out of the car, my feet almost gave in. If he had not been supporting me, I wouldn’t have been able to make it inside the house. Police cars were all over the place, the loud sirens wailing from some of them seemed so far away though.

Cameras flashed from everywhere, people tried to mob us but the police officers were quick, Eagle Eye and I were able to go inside my house quickly without difficulties. My legs shook the whole time.

I wasn't sure if I could bear to see my wife in that state, but I was too weak to even speak and contradict what was happening.

Eagle Eye told me that they needed me to identify Natalie's body, her parents couldn't be here within the next 48 hours from Georgia, which meant I had to go through another horrible event in my life.

First the death of my parents, and now, my wife and my unborn child’s death.

When we walked into the living room and I saw her lying beside the stairway, Natalie’s eyes were still opened; her dark hair was surrounded by a pool of blood.

I couldn’t do anything but place my hands over my mouth, pushing my hands harder as if it could relieve the pain somehow. My tears dropped down onto her lifeless body and like in a state of trance, I slid down on my knees beside her and tried to talk to her. I wanted to say anything to her that would wake her up. But my mouth felt so dry, my throat hurt so badly and my heart seemed to stop beating.

Wake up Nat, for heaven's sake please wake up!

My lips formed those words without any sound. I've never felt so helpless before.

I reached out my hand to feel for her pulse. The feeling of her lifeless wrist in my hand and the haunting way her eyes were looking through me was scary.

I closed my eyes tight, I couldn’t see her like that, it couldn't be real, and this must be a nightmare.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

But when I opened my eyes, she was still lying there staring at me, with her glazed over eyes. I would never forget the way she was looking at me, reproachful and silent.

The scene scared me. I felt chills down my spine. Almost guiltily, as if she could see those thoughts on my mind, I let go off her wrist and reached out to lay my hand carefully on her belly.

No one knew that she was pregnant except Skye. She was three months along; nobody could see that she was pregnant yet.

In an instant, I felt my blood pumping hard in my veins. I clenched my teeth.

“Who did this to her?” I finally had the courage to speak. I was angry. Whoever did this must pay, I would make him pay!

I felt Eagle Eye’s hands on my shoulder stopping me from getting any closer to her. I heard him saying I should be careful because of the upcoming forensic purposes, so I gave in and let him guide me to stand up. I aimed for the nearest chair and slumped tiredly down.

My shoulders shook in tortured pain. She was carrying my child; my daughter wasn't given a chance in this world. God didn’t give me a chance to see my child, to feel her little fingers touching my face, or to get to know what color her eyes would be...

I already started dreaming of a better life once my baby arrived. I was convinced it would be the happiest day of my life and would change everything. I had expected that I would be a father in six months.

I was ready to give up everything for my wife and my child, even my musical career. I already tried having a better relationship with Natalie even though deep inside I knew it was impossible to fall in love with her again. I’m gay, I was pretty sure of it, but I had a responsibility to be a good father for my daughter who deserved to live in a happy family.

All those dreams were gone now.

I didn’t know what else to do but to just cry helplessly. I was so consumed with my sorrow that I didn't even notice when one of the police officer's walked towards me.

“Ehem, Mr. Hanson, my name is Detective Wright. We’re very sorry for your lost, we want to help you in any way possible. In order to do this, we need to talk to you right now and ask you few questions. We know that it's hard for you but the culprit is somewhere out there and any information will be helpful for us to catch him as soon as possible.”

It sounded like a joke to me. Couldn’t they fucking see that I was grieving deeply and thoroughly? If they were able to imagine what I was going through they would know that I wasn't responsive for anything right now. Besides that, what information would I know that might be helpful?

I couldn't even answer him. Instead of saying a word, I just looked blankly at the police man who seemed too cold to even let me grieve for a while.

"Detective, is it possible to give him a few more minutes? He is still in shock." Eagle Eye interjected, but the police officer didn't seem to agree with it.

"We'll try to make it as short as possible. But we need to talk with Mr. Hanson NOW. We can't have consideration and treat him differently just because he's a famous singer. I haven't got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!"

That Detective seemed to lose his nerves very easily. It pissed me off that they talked about me as if I wasn't there. Instead of talking about me, they should do their job and search for the damn culprit!

"I lost my wife here. What the fuck do you want from me?" I asked pathetically, looking up to them.

"Cooperation!" Was the Detective's urgent answer.

Eagle Eye rose his hand arbitrating and looked down to me again.

"Hey Taylor, we understand that it is really difficult for you right now, but in order for us to solve this case, we really need your cooperation now."

Feeling like an underage little child, I looked alternately to both of them towering above me as if they knew which was better for me. I was about to say "No, not now please" when Eagle Eye’s phone rang.

“Where are you?” He sounded irritated.

I desperately hoped it was Skye; I needed Skye here with me!

“Why do you sound so nervous? What happened!?” Eagle Eye sounded worried this time.

I heard Skye’s hysterical voice muffling through the receiver, his high pitched shouting made me worried, too.

"Skye, can you lower your voice please?!?" Eagle Eye demanded, holding the cell phone near his tender eardrum again.

God, I need Skye, he needs to be here right now.

I bit my lips anticipating what I would hear next. A sense of upcoming danger overtook me.

There was a long pause.

"Then tell him to drive fucking safely, got it!?” Eagle Eye’s expression was annoyed, "what is his fucking problem?" he spat angrily.

Pause. He sighed and slapped his palm on his forehead. "How long will you need to get here?"

All the events gave me racking headaches, what was happening? What was taking Skye so long!?

“Alright, but make sure that you arrive in one piece! Got it?”

Pause. “Ok bye, see you later.”

“What a dick.” He cursed it to himself but I heard it anyway. He shoved his phone back in his belt bag and turned his attention back to me.

“Skye and your brother will be here very soon, let’s go to a room where we can talk undisturbed.”

He seemed to agree with Detective's Wright's instructions now. Seeing how irritated Eagle Eye was, it felt like I had no choice but to follow them.

I tried to not to look in Natalie's direction and the chalk drawing around her body when we walked across the Living room, my knees still felt weak but I managed to walk while Eagle Eye and Detective Wright were walking behind me, not letting me out of his sight.

When the three of us were settled, me on a chair in the dining room, ‘Detective Wrong’ sitting opposite me, while Eagle Eye, stood beside us, watching over the door so that no one would disturb us.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Suddenly I felt like I was in an episode of CSI. After checking my personal data, the Detective told me that the police station received a panicky call from my wife about two to three hours ago. Natalie told them that there was someone in the house who was trying to kill her. The line ended abruptly after that. Two officers were sent to our house after they ascertained where the call came from but any help for her came too late....

The thought that a strange person had succeeded in getting into this house without notice scared me.

What did that crazy Stalker want here?

Detective Wrong didn’t give me time to think about the scene more intensively, because he continued talking.

“Mr. Hanson, we have been over your house and found indications of a struggle on the first floor, it appears your wife was either pushed or fell down the stairs. So far, we do not see any signs of forced entry into your home. There are no broken windows and none of the doors show signs of being picked or forced open, we are not sure how the culprit gained access to the house unnoticed. However, we found this on your bed. Can you tell us where this comes from?"

He showed me a plastic evidence bag with a sheet of paper inside. I carefully took it from him and began to read.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

My first instinct was to crumple the paper even if it was in an evidence bag but Eagle Eye was quicker, he took the note away from me and handed it back to ‘Wrong’.

“So Mr. Hanson, do you know this… uh, Twink Twink?”

"How shall I know!? That person is crazy! I've been receiving letters from that sick person only for a few days. I never thought it would end up like this. In my profession, fans send a lot of weird stuff."

Besides grief, I felt so much anger and helplessness at the same time. I've experienced a lot of crazy fan stuff in my career already but I had never expected it would come to this.

How ruthless could a person be to kill my wife and my baby?!?

"We understand your point Mr. Hanson, so you don’t have any clue of who Twink Twink is?” Detective Wrong probed again.

“I don’t know that person, like I said.” I answered, my temper rising.

He gave me a glance of appraisal before he talked again.

"We pulled footage from the cameras at the front door, gate, living room, terrace and the first floor but the culprit destroyed them and we never see him or her. The culprit made sure we would not see any evidence of the crime. Are there other hidden cameras that we can use as reference, or were those all of them?"

“No, Natalie didn’t like the idea of hidden cameras; she said that it felt creepy.” I wanted to answer his questions as quick as possible; I just wanted it to be over.

“How were they broken? Were they shot by a gun?” Eagle Eye was talking directly to Detective Wrong.

“No, they were smashed by something hard like a ball bat. We are still checking that angle. Mr. Hanson, did you have any altercations or fights with anyone recently? Scold a fan? Based on the letter, the culprit seems to know you already. Could this person be an ex-girlfriend or employee or someone from a previous relationship?”

“Natalie was my first girlfriend, I don’t have any exes. I have not gotten into a fight with anyone nor have I scolded a fan before.”

“As a famous singer you have surely already met crazy fans who are insanely jealous of you and your wife, because you're unreachable and unattainable for them. Have you met anyone who could fit that description?"

Wrong seemed so right with his questions, but they made me uncomfortable.

“I've experienced thousands of crazy fans already, but I can't name a specific person who would do something like that. I would never want to have any relationship with such a sick and crazy person!”

I gripped the chair back tightly, his questions bogged me down. I couldn't see any sense in this interrogation.

“Did you see any weapons in the crime scene, Detective Wright?” Eagle Eye interrupted again.

“None at the moment, but we're still searching for more evidences.”

“Yeah, I noticed that.” I snapped. His team was searching the whole place, my house was in disarray.

Why couldn't they just leave me alone...!?

“Mr. Hanson, we’re sorry for the inconveniences but we’re just trying to find a way to solve this case. Any clue might be a big help that may lead us to solving this case, so we have to insist on your cooperation. Besides that, these were just simple questions. We can go much further personally."

The Detective gave me another annoyed glance.

I sighed, biting the inside of my cheek. I didn’t mean to be mean, but I was on the edge. I was on the verge of hysterics actually. The only thing left in me was emptiness, but this ‘Wrong’ Detective didn’t seem to get it. Nothing would bring my wife and my child back to life. All I wanted was to lie next to them and not be alone anymore.

"Mr. Hanson, how was your relationship with your wife? Have you had a fallen out with her recently? Were you and your wife really lucky together or did you just pretend to be for the public?”

What the fuck? How could that heartless asshole meddle in me and my wife's family affairs? If I didn't feel so weak, I would chase him out of my house, but I felt so burnt out and I knew it wouldn't change anything. I sat there, clasped my arms and gritted my teeth.

He looked like he was losing his patience.

“Taylor, I know you’re upset right now, that’s why we’re here to help you. It’ll be more upsetting if this case isn't resolved.”

Eagle Eye’s voice was composed and it calmed me down a little. Obviously, he purposely interrupted the Detective to cool things off.

I stared to my shoes and sighed. I didn’t want to look them in the eye as I confessed.

“Me and my wife were not in good terms. But she’s pregnant, so we were trying to fix our relationship.” My voice broke when I remembered about my baby. I pressed my palms with my fingers; I felt so down, how I would ever be able to get up?

When my parents died, I thought my life was torn like a piece of paper already. The pain was terrible, but fortunately I could find hope in the music back then, it was able to relieve the pain in the course of time. Every time I miss my mom’s smell or my dad’s encouraging words, I distracted myself in music.

Unexpected deaths were the most horrible thing I experienced and I never thought I would experience it again. The news hit me like a hammer; I didn't know how to deal with the death of my parents. It wasn’t fair. My parents were stolen away from me and now, my wife and my baby.

Every time I tried to rebuild my life, it collapses like a house of cards and this time, it felt unbearable to me. I had no idea how I would ever find a will to life again or if I could truly get over this.

The tears that I had been trying to stop from falling during the talk made their own way from my eyes no matter how hard I tried to suppress them.

I heard Detective 'whatever' talking again but I couldn’t understand him anymore. I was too occupied with my grief.

The sound of my doorbell resounded through the house and Eagle Eye gave me a sign to stand up again. Detective Whatever seemed unsatisfied but thankfully he didn't stop Eagle Eye.

He took my chin in his hand so that I had to look at him directly.

"Taylor, listen to me. Let's see if this is Skye and your brother, but before you meet them I want to give you this." He took his gun and his police badge out of his belt for a moment before he guided me out of the room.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He then pulled a small business card out of it and handed it to me.

'L.A.P.D. Officer Andrew Barkley' was written on the card and a phone number below.

"This is my number for emergency cases. You know that I'm busy Taylor, and I can't take care of you and Skye around the clock, but if you ever feel that you're in danger, give me a call and I promise I will come immediately, got it?"

I nodded hesitantly.

"Really?" He looked at me urgently.

"Yeah, will do... Andrew."

It was the first time I called him with his real name.

"Ok Taylor, I'll take you up on that," he said and continued walking towards the front door before he added "hopefully, the Paparazzi are gone by now."

I already sensed that Andrew didn't have a good feeling about my brother after Skye's unsettling call. I followed him slowly until he gave me a hand signal to stop.

"Stay back Taylor, we aren't really sure who this is. I'm going to open the door." He motioned me to step back. I obeyed and watched him from a distance; his hand was grabbing his gun tightly.

"Who's there?" He asked loudly towards the door.

Silence.

"Who is this?" He asked a little louder this time whereupon suddenly a response came from outside.

"Twink Twink."

My heart stopped beating.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We would like to say a big Thank you to everyone who voted for our "The Bodyguard" story at the Blank Page Awards. We feel very honored to say that this story won an award. Thank you so much to everyone who reads and comments <3

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

It was already in the gray of dawn when me and the sticking dangler in tow left Santiago's bar. My blood was still boiling about the recent events and the last rays of coke didn't make anything better.

Usually, I wasn't the type of person that would commit an injustice to someone, but Skye had brought me to the white heat. The best thing would be to give this motherfucking son of a bitch a kick in front of any random car, to get rid of him finally! He had followed me like a curse since I saved him. I really couldn't find anything good on this job, the fuck with my brother and his shits.

But I knew that Santiago's words would never let go off me...

"If you really want to make up for me, then now is your chance Blade!"

I was fucking guilty. Now here I was on my way to get what I fucking deserved. Santiago wanted it that way, so apparently this was my damn destiny.

Santiago knew that I would do everything for him and clearly, he had decided that now was the time in which he could take his chance. He was the only person who knew the real me. He was the only person I trusted and who always knew what was best for me.

So I would take that damn bodyguard job in which everyone was trying to force me.

For Santiago.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

To settle the damage I caused, if that was possible at all...by any means.

However, they would realize very soon that I wasn't the right person for the job.

Until then, I wouldn't let myself feel down. I went through much worse jobs, so how bad could this bodyguard job even become...?!

Yeah I could be good if I want to, but I could also be the worst pest ever. Besides that, I bet my army ass that they will change their minds in less than a month anyway.

It was an advantage for Skye that I still felt a small remaining effect of cocaine in my system; otherwise, I would guarantee nothing about the high society snob's security.

I unlocked the power locks of my Lamborghini, let myself in the car and Skye opened the front passenger door on the other side with the intention of getting in the passenger seat next to me.

Only a very short while ago, I was about to crush the skull of this milkboy to death, but once again he was lucky to have a guardian angel who had saved his worthless ass. This time in the form of Santiago.

Why was luck always with the wrong persons?!?

"You're gonna sit on the back seat!" I quickly stated and moved the passenger seat to the front before he could fulfill his purpose. Skye sitting beside me was the last thing I needed.

His still tear stained blue eyes looked down to me and gave me a questioning look.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"What... why?" He hesitated and didn't seem to get it.

"You are not my damn employer! If you pay me another 20 grand per month, you can get that privilege as well. In the meantime, you're gonna place your boney ass on the back seat! Got it?"

He nodded and complied without a discussion, which was untypical, but the more he would shut his fucking gob, the better! Nothing for me to care about.

He climbed in the car, pulled his silly lace handkerchief out of his pocket and unfolded it neatly before he sat down on the backseat.

I snorted scornfully before I placed the key into the ignition and started the engine.

This is going to be fun... I thought ironically to myself.

I put my sunglasses on again, pulled the car into gear and steered it towards the street without minding if it was the right direction or not, first, I had to take care of an urge of mine.

"This is not the right direction Blade..." The momma’s boy suddenly gesticulated upset out of the window.

"Of course not, I'm kidnapping you, to finally get rid of you!"

He looked at me scrutinizing for a moment. When I kept a straight face, his expression got nervous.

"You wouldn't do this Blade, would you?" His face was white with fear all of a sudden.

I chuckled to myself and didn't reply. He could believe what he fucking wanted about me, I didn't care.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He had deserved to be scared after stalking me until I couldn't get rid of him anymore. Oh yeah! If he was silent when he got scared, even better!

I drove to the nearest drive through, ordered a burger, fries and a Dr. Pepper. I parked the car in the parking lot to eat my dinner calmly. I had to spend "paid time" with this city slicker behind me, from now on; I had to satisfy my hunger first to not kill him during the rest of the car drive. Skye didn't seem to understand my actions again though. Perhaps he was just a brainbairded bimbo like my receptionist slut in my brothel.

"What are we doing here, Blade?"

"Making a pit stop," I declared chewing.

"But Taylor is waiting for us... You know...his wife died today."

"How come he even has a wife? It's hard to believe that he even noticed another person other than himself around him."

I didn't see the way he stared at me in disbelief after that.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"I'm sorry Blade, but I can't deal with this nonsense right now." He screwed up his nose and pulled a ridiculously expensive looking phone out of his handbag with a purple Hello Kitty sticker on the case. What a fucking sissy, I scoffed.

All of a sudden he considered himself too hoity toity to continue a conversation if it didn't match to his standards. It's always the same shit with these fucking high society snobs.

Burping, I threw the rest of my junk food aside and started the engine. Everything that might change my mood for the better was unreachable at the moment. So, I did what any normal person would, I turned the radio all the up and put the pedal to the metal. The engine roared loudly and I spun out of my parking space, causing my passenger to fly on the other side of the car. I calmly flipped the radio to one of my favorite tracks, the only song I could think of which would be appropriate and describe my current situation.

I sped down the road, turned the loudspeaker on to their limit and banged my head to the rhythm to drown out the hysterical cries of my passenger in his phone, probably to his Loverboy.

I'm on the highway to hell  
On the highway to hell  
No stop signs, speed limit  
Nobody's gonna slow me down,  
Like a wheel, gonna spin it  
Nobody's gonna mess me round

Don't stop me...

I bellowed the song lyrics loudly, not listening to Skye's pathetic whining in the backseat anymore. I just needed to feel the animal thrill of freedom one last time before I went to prison.

Fuck, I could be a better fucking singer than my damn brother if I'd want to!

"Blade... please slow down... you're scaring me. I don't wanna die yet..." were the first whining words I heard when the song came to the end. Skye was clutching the seatbelt in fear and looked as though he was going to throw up and then kill himself.

I've done a good job.

However, it was kind of ironic somehow. ‘Cause what he didn’t know was that I was already doing my job by stopping to eat something. As much as I liked feeling the effect of being high, I wasn't that stupid to risk my own life while driving on a highway in a cocaine haze! The food was necessary, sort of helping me to sober up and stay calmed.

Skye didn't need to know the reason of my actions though, it was much better to let him have not the best opinion about me, or whatever was necessary to keep him at distance. I didn't need to get worshiped by him even more.

When my time comes I was not afraid to die, but in case I have a way to choose, it will definitely not be in the company of someone like Skye.

A bureaucratic verbiage of plea's and apologizes went on and on from my own private Stalker. I sighed and turned the radio off again. I had wasted enough time messing around and who knows how much more the prissy little sissy could withstand before he would begin to wet himself and my seat covers.

"So where is the fucking castle from that over spoiled superstar?" I cut him off.

At least fate granted me a little bit of luck this time, he was still breathing hard but luckily stopped his squeals and handed Taylor's business card with shaking hands to me.

"In Pasadena."

I dropped the card the moment I read the address.

"Is that the correct address?"

"Yes...it is." Skye nodded his faggot head and gave me a confused glance.

What the fuck?

Our destination was the last address of our parental home.

I had sworn I would not let the past affect me but now I would get throw back again.

I clenched my hands around the steering wheel in an attempt to suppress my foaming up rage.

What would I give for another line of coke right now...

I took my fists and struck them so hard against the steering wheel that I almost felt like my fingers were broken for a second.

Someone or something just had to get clocked.

I just couldn't avoid it, my mind drifted back to my past again...

My family moved away from Tulsa when I was sixteen and Pasadena had been the last residence of our common home until their death six months later.

The only reason why we came from Oklahoma to California was Taylor. Oh yeah! The big fucking star of the family. Where else would he have better chances of becoming a famous superstar than living near Hollywood?!?

Now I was sure, I really was on the highway to hell.

I didn't get why Taylor lived in our old parental house again, what the hell was he doing there?!  
The last time I had been there was almost a decade ago.

The army became a new home for me when I was sixteen, where I thankfully met Santiago. Without him, I wouldn't know where or who I was today. He was there for me when no one else was.

A few months after I joined the army, I came back for a visit, but all I found was an empty and forlorn house with a "For Sale" sign in the yard.

Our home, the place I knew didn't exist anymore. I had never come back to that house again.

I tried to shrug those useless memories off my mind. It was neither here or there. That place wasn't home for me anymore. It was nothing more than just another fucking working place.

Skye's annoying voice came from behind and brought me from one nightmare to the next.

"Hey Blade, this is a great drawing. Who is this?"

As I already knew that I wasn't from the lucky side of life, it was predictable either way that he would gnaw at my nerves again, so what the fuck else should I expect?!?

I glanced back to him for a second and saw him holding a piece of paper on which I had drawn a "Captain America" portrait a few days ago.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

My backpack lay on the back seat next to him; some of my drawings had fallen out of the unzipped bag. So, he dared to snoop through my stuff which means he just gave me a new reason to cut him down to size.

I needed only a short glance through the windshield to check the traffic and make sure I could turn around to him for a few seconds.

"TAKE YOUR FUCKING FAGGOT FINGERS AWAY FROM MY STUFF!" I bellowed aggressively directly in the milkboy's face.

God, I would love nothing better than to cleave his head but unfortunately, I couldn't let go of the steering wheel.

It wasn't necessary though, he cringed and jumped up from his seat, obviously in shock. His head bumped against the car roof which caused me to give an evil smirk.

At least one good experience for today!

Clearly intimidated he put my drawing back with the others with one shaking hand and rubbed the back of his head with the other with a distorted expression.

I turned the rear view mirror in his direction so I would notice any further actions.

"Were you seriously asking who that is?"

My question to him was just a test to ascertain the truth, you could never be completely sure with high society snobs like him.

"Yes, is it a crime not to know...?" He asked, perplexed in his faggotated idiocy.

"Which world do you came from?!" I smiled skeptically, he was even a few years younger than me and he didn't recognize one of the most popular Marvel comic heroes!

"I guess I just grew up with different interests..." he shrugged clueless but his undertone of affectedness didn't escape my notice.

"Like tap dancing to Madonna songs?!?" I sneered. As it became a necessity to deal with this stupid dangler, nothing could stop me to grant myself at least a little bit of fun!

Sissy crossed his arms and pouted.

Can't blame me that I hit the nail right on the head.

He silenced for the rest of the car drive but it was only a cold comfort.

When we reached the familiar area of Pasadena, I began to feel uncomfortable, and it got even worse the closer we came to our destination.

I looked through the windshield and saw our old house at the end of the street.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Signs of commotion were already visible from afar, because a few police cars were parked in front of it.

I parked my Lamborghini on the other side of the street. We got out of the car and once again, I needed another moment to realize where the fuck I was all of a sudden.

Feeling the cold metal of my 45 caliber under the waist of my jeans, I stood there in front of my car, watching Skye hurrying across the street like a groupie that couldn't wait to see his false god again.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Oh damn, old man Santiago! If you only knew what you have done to me...

I made sure that my gun wasn't visible to anyone. I let out a heavy sigh before I made my way towards the house as well.

"Tell me more about that weirdo who has sent those "love Letters." I commanded Skye, purposefully distracting myself from more past memories.

"Well, we don't know much about the person, the sender signed the letters with the name 'Twink Twink' and tells Taylor that he's looking forward to seeing him again... and stuff like that. It's really creepy. I'm so glad that you're here from now on Blade..."

I sneered. Of course he was. Not only he found a bodyguard for Taylor, he also saw some kind of superhero in me and was drooling worse than my Rottweiler whenever he was around me. His fucking innocent air couldn't deceive me.

I was thinking how the milksop would look like pitchpoling down the stairs as he hurried the stairs up in front of me and contemplated to trip him up to end this pointless shit once for all. Unfortunately, he had already reached the front door and was using the doorbell with nervous impatience as if he was standing on a stairway to heaven.

In that moment, I wished that just another horny customer would open the door for me; at least I would know how to deal with him.

What the fuck was I doing here at all?!?

I needed a way to get the fuck out of here, everything in me refused to be here. What the hell could I do to get sent away forever this time?

We heard steps getting closer to the door and all of a sudden, a mischievous grin was dancing around my lips when a strange voice from inside asked,

"Who is there?"

"Twink Twink." I answered back shamelessly.

Skye widened his blue eyes in terror.

"Oh my god Blade, you're such a barbarian!" Horrified, he put his hand to his mouth.

"Thanks." I smirked, hoping my remark would fulfill the desired effect.

But in this case it didn't help me. His cultivated manners seemed to be forgotten as he began to rant and rave at me.

"Blade, this was really uncalled for. Now isn't the right moment for making jokes like that. You might frighten Taylor to death...!"

"Well, I hope so!" I replied undiscerning. I never wanted to come back here anyway.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Unfortunately though he didn't change his mind and began to plead for mercy against the door.

"Eagle Eye Honey, it's just us. Me and Blade. Please open the door, everything is fine..."

How many fucking Lover's did he even have...?!?

I probably wouldn't be able to describe my grimaced face while listening to his voice. Could I really face them every day? Skye and my self-centered, spoiled bitch of a brother?

Whatever! I thought to myself, this job wouldn't last long anyway.

The door of my past home got pulled open and there they were...

A grumpy looking police man and a ghost.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's Chapter 10. It's from Skye's POV and reveals a little more about Taylor's and his relationship. Hope you enjoy. :-)

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Skye:

The car drive to Taylor's house was one of the craziest things I've ever experienced in my life.

It was a miracle, Santiago managed to convince Blade and I couldn't even begin to express how relieved I was when he finally agreed to take the job.

I was hoping and praying to all gods in heaven that nothing worse would happen to Taylor. Blade kept on showing that he was sarcastic and irritated to my presence, but I still hoped that he was a good guy.

My senses are sharp when it comes to knowing people's motives, but so far, I had never associated with an outsider from the Los Angeles downtown district before I met Blade. Even though he had saved me on our first encounter, his violent behavior still made him unpredictable. That scared me to be honest.

I knew that I didn't know him long enough to be able to assess him truly. That's why I was afraid to accompany him in his car this time, because it was pretty obvious that he was still mad as hell at me. But I had promised to bring him back to Taylor, so I tried to ignore my worries and agreed to ride with him. All I could do now was internally hope that my instinct about Blade was true. That deep inside, he wasn't a bad guy and he wouldn't deceive me.

But enough about that intimidating thug sitting in front of me, all that mattered to me at this point was Taylor. I was yearning to see him again and to be there for him. I really wanted for us to get back to Taylor as soon as possible. I had a very bad feeling about leaving him alone in his situation. He was all I could think of during the car ride.

Thankfully, I knew that Eagle Eye was there to take care of him...

I still remembered the day I met Taylor for the first time. It was at a photo shoot for a popular magazine in New York seven years ago. We liked each other immediately and became best friends.

Taylor's a extraordinarily good looking guy, but he was in a lucky relationship with Natalie back then and got married a few months later.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I was even his groomsman at their wedding.

Back then, he had no clue that the day of his coming-out would happen someday.

Taylor was like a soul mate to me besides Eagle Eye. Don't get me wrong; Taylor and I were never more than good friends. He was cute, but not my type. Maybe because we had many things in common, we were both very focused on our careers and perfectionists in most cases. The two of us could spend the whole day shopping to find the latest fashion trends. Also, we both loved to cook. Eagle Eye wasn't the right company when it came to things like that...

I did work as a model before I knew Taylor. I had no clue about the music business either, until I met Taylor. Becoming his stylist was a promising offer for me and I knew that my modeling career wouldn't last forever. For most models the job is over in their mid twenties.

That's why I decided to take the job instead of counting on a career without a promising future. Not even a year later, I became Taylor's tour manager, which was again another big career jump for me. I was his youngest manager ever. He said he couldn't imagine anyone else but me for this job and I highly appreciated his trust in me.

Working with Taylor was amazing. His career was getting more and more successful each day and nothing could stop him. I was impressed on how passionate he was, on how he managed his private family life and his busy music career. He was like the energizer bunny.

Everything seemed to be alright until he told me the truth a few months ago...  
He and his wife were slowly breaking apart. It was unimaginable for me... everything always seemed to be so perfect in Taylor's life. Break up dramas happen every day, but my best friend didn't deserve all of this!

Taylor had lost his wife and unborn child in a single day. I couldn't handle that if it happened to me for sure.

What else could I do for my best friend other than to try everything to bring his brother back to him? My own family had always been very close and supportive to me. That's why I believed that it was best for Taylor to have his brother around him right now.

Besides that, he really needed a security guard! Blade was the perfect bodyguard for him; he was really good, and really good looking.

I was thinking these words guiltily right now to be honest, I knew I should feel ashamed of getting a crush on someone, all the more ashamed for it being at this moment. But I just couldn't help myself taking a careful look at him... Blade wore a white T-Shirt that was loose at his body but it stretched the cotton at his upper arms which I absolutely loved. It was so sexy how it looked like his strong biceps seemed to nearly rip it.

He had great full hair like Taylor but they were totally different types. I would have never thought that they were brothers if Taylor didn't tell me.

There were a lot of reasons why I really wanted Blade to be Taylor's bodyguard.

I had made notes in my mind two days ago when Taylor received the first weird letter.

A bodyguard should be intimidating, good looking, sexy and an expert fighter. Of course he also must have experience and must be sharp and fast. Blade had all these features. I think among all those things on my imaginary list, there's one thing that tops them all. He must be brave.

If he could randomly save a helpless person alone even though he was out numbered, for sure he could protect his brother as well.

It was understandable that he was mad about Taylor's refusal. Thoughtfully, I prayed that I did the right thing... and that Blade wouldn't kill me before we arrived.

Even though I believed in the good in man, I might also be wrong; Blade's actions were too hard to READ!!!! Yeah, I was shouting in my head right now because he almost hit the bumper of the car in front of us!!!! Just for the record, even if right now I was talking a lot in my head, I was so quiet for real. I was so itching to say anything, but I knew it better to be silent, so I bit on my lower lip to not gush out my emotions because Blade was obviously a firebrand.

He became furious when I told him the address of Taylor's home. It was frightening for me to see him losing control over his emotions. I've seen how Blade fights before and knew that he was the violent type. So I tried my best not to upset him even more, although I didn't really know how. So, for the mean time, I'd try to be quiet as much as I could.

When we finally got out of the car, I felt the need to bend down, kiss the pavement and thank God that I was still alive, but my cultivated manners and... well... my new Armani pants thankfully stopped me from this intention.

Eagle Eye was already mad at me when I called him hysterically and I thought that was the worst part. But when Blade suddenly decided to drive around like crazy, I really thought this would be my ending.

But wait, there's more, cause Blade's impertinent answer when we stood in front of Taylor's door capped it all off. It came smoothly from his mouth as if it was the most natural thing.

"What the hell is going on here Skye?" My boyfriend's usual warm hearted greeting was serious and angry.

I sensed that Blade's inappropriate ambiguous comment made the situation heavier and complicated, but the last thing I wanted was to give him a reason to leave again.

"This is Blade, Taylor's brother honey. Please put your gun away, he didn't mean it. I managed to bring him back!" I batted my eyelashes while I began to explain and looked up to my boyfriend in the most suppliant way I could, hoping that he could read in my eyes how desperate I was.

"Okay, fine. This one time." His response was anything but than delighted and he threw another angry look at me and Blade before he finally stored his gun away.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He was still mad and I could read it in his eyes that a strong discussion would be expected at home.

But my Eagle Eye also knew that the most important thing was that, Taylor finally had a bodyguard. At the moment, I was ok with that.

I stepped towards the two closest people in my life and linked my arms between them, leading us inside the house.

"Gosh I'm so glad that we're finally back...Tay, I'm so sorry that we took so long... you can't imagine how insane this car ride was..." I continued talking, trying to hide my nervousness as much as I could in hope that none of them would change their minds about Blade.

Taylor's arms were wrapped around me in an instant. He looked pale and puffy from crying, I was full of concern for him. It felt like we haven't seen each other for a long time. I never wanted to let go of him anymore.

"I'm so glad that you're finally back," he whispered before his legs gave in.


	11. Chapter 11

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

I walked into my old home as if it was a forbidden infected territory.  
My so called brother collapsed in front of my eyes, so I removed my sunglasses that I wouldn't miss the view.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He actually keeled over? I knew I was good but I never thought I was THAT good!

The grim looking cop with the dumb name lifted him up and carried him to the couch in the living room. Within seconds, everyone was around him, caressing him like a baby.

Taylor always knew how to get people's attention.

I couldn't help but to be pissed off when I saw everyone pampering him, so I decided to take a look around to see the damage he did to our parent's house in the past years.

Back then, we had our photos hanging on the walls in the living room. The only photos there now were of him and a woman, I assumed that was his wife.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I went back through the hallway. The walls here were plastered with Taylor's photos from his performances.

Of course! Who else would hang up pictures of himself on his own walls?!

[](http://www.directupload.net)

But what the fuck else could be expected from a conceited snob like that?! I snorted at the lack of irony and averted my eyes. Broken glass bits were lying on the floor from a damaged camera. I bent down to get a closer look. He would need a new alarm system, that's for sure. Even Santiago's shabby saloon was better secured than this house. The cameras here were not hidden very well through the house, no wonder that Twink-Twink Freak easily broke them.

I was deep in thought when I noticed a tall officer standing right in front of me, and giving me a creepy look. I didn't expect to meet any of these fucking cops here, if I knew that earlier, I would have spent more time to eat my fucking dinner...

"I'm Officer Wright from the Los Angeles police department, are you Mr. Hanson's new security guard?" He asked, looking down at me obviously scrutinizing me.

"As it seems," I answered tonelessly and snorted to myself as I thought about it. Yeah, I was the bodyguard of that spoiled princess of whose shit list I have been for the last nine years. If I wasn't already on drugs, I would say I must have been, coz I couldn't even believe that I was really here. It must be a bad trip or something like that...

"Very good. I'm glad to hear that." His face and tone distinctly lightened up and he patted my shoulder while he smiled down at me.

Were all of these damn cops fucking faggots?!? What the hell was going on here?

"Unfortunately, Mr. Hanson isn't responsive in his current condition; my colleagues and I would highly appreciate it if you would work with us and update us on any strange occurences. We aren't sure how a stranger was able to get in, the doors were not tampered with but the phone line was cut. We know that Mr. Hanson is on tour, but we need him to stay in California for a few weeks. We need his steady cooperation to solve the case as fast as possible."

I stood up and looked over to Taylor who was awake again. He was still pale and gave me questioning look as he saw me talking to the Officer.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Be assured, I'm gonna keep him in sight from now on...!" I spoke directly in his direction to make it obvious we were talking about him.

The Detective thankfully moved out of my way after that.

"We're done here for now guys. It's quitting time." He said to everybody around.

I walked back into the Living room, hoping the cops were done bugging me.

Taylor and his Loverboy were sitting side by side, hugging and stroking each other like two fucking pussy chicks. The other cop sat opposite of them.

To be honest, I was glad that I didn't have to talk to my brother right away. That his Loverboy cared about him, it made it easier for me to deal with this shit.

That Eagle cop gave me a really dirty look as I approached them; I immediately knew that he didn't like me, because of the smug way he looked at me from the start, but I didn't give a fuck about that.

Also Skye apparently noticed the exchange of hateful glances and stroked the cop's knee. He sugared up his voice that it dropped down the walls like syrup.

"Eagle Eye Darlin', would you please show Blade his room for the night? It's upstairs on the left side..."

"I'm gonna find it by myself." I stated quickly, before another officer could stop me.

"Good. It's time to pack up and go home anyway." The police man thankfully agreed with me and stood up. But apparently he wasn't finished, 'cause he turned to me and gave me another look of reproach.

"And Blade, if that's even your real name, I hope you don't mess this up 'cause your attitude is getting you nowhere." He warned me in a threatening tone.

What the fuck did he even know?!?

"This is NOWHERE!" I exclaimed. Obviously, I was the only one who didn't whitewash the reality, so fuck these stuck-up hypocrites! I came back despite everything that happened in the past, so they should better kiss the only fucking straight ass in the house!

With that, I left the dumb faggots and walked upstairs to the first floor.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

There was only one room on the left side. My old teenage bedroom. When I opened the door, I stood there speechless and was taken aback for a minute or longer.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The room was still in the same condition I left it in nine years ago. Everything was still in the same place and even my old Star Wars posters were hanging on the blue painted walls.

What the fucking fuck!!!

What the hell did that mean? Why didn't Taylor get rid of that stuff by now? I didn't get it. I walked into the room and couldnt help but feel that I had just time traveled to the past. There was my bed with the universe sheet which was my favorite when I was sixteen, my old table where I had painted hundreds of pictures. Even my old Nintendo console was still there!

The more of my old stuff I recognized, the angrier I became. What the hell did Taylor expect? That I would stay here and pretend to play 'Happy family' with him?!?

The fuck I will!

I left the room, slammed the door behind me and went downstairs again.

Meanwhile, the police men were all gone, only Taylor and his Loverboy were still sitting on the couch, holding hands.

"Is the girls talk of this homo party finally over?" I exclaimed loudly, causing them to blush and making little faggot noises as they jumped in their seats a little. Not wasting more time, I walked over to the arm chair on which the police bird officer had sat before and plopped myself down on it. Skye seemed to be always there for him, he was crying with him, hugging him closely and telling him that time would heal the wounds and other pointless shit. 

"I'm gonna let the two of you be alone now, okay?" Skye's soap opera still didn't seem to be over. Made me feel sick just watching them as they comforted each other. Just like real fags do.

"Yes. Thanks for staying here tonight, Skye. Good night Babe."

"No need to thank me Taylor, sleep well Babe."

"You too."

The two fairy faggots seemed to like calling each other 'Babe'. I couldn't hold back a snort that was probably inappropriate at the depressing atmosphere about how emphasized the softness of the 'b's' on babe with a very soft spoken voice, just enough to make the nickname sound even more namby-pamby, maybe because they're both naturally soft types. I just wanted to register a facepalm at this ridiculous talking point. That's when I realized I was in a fucking fairymare. If I had not been on drugs maybe that would have confused me more than it did because Skye said that Taylor was married, but at this time I only dismissed it and the strange speech as more of some random kind of girly faggot syndrome.

Finally, the gay chicks let go of each other and Skye turned around to me. What the hell else was coming now?

"Good night Blade."

I scoffed at his dumb joke. Definitely not in this house and not in this company. "Go to bed sissy boy." I snarled at him, not making a secret about my dismissive attitude towards him. I had dealt with enough fagott gossip and tittle tattle for one damn day. I'd happily rather die than bearing Skye one more minute.

He left the room after making a neat little bow. "Sleep well guys." Fuck, was there anything that could top this ridiculousness?

Taylor didn't say anything until Skye's bony ass was out of sight. He fiddled at his fingernails and I knew he was insecure. Even when we were younger he always needed to fiddle with something.

"I'm sorry that I let you go... Za...I mean Blade..," he began. Like earlier today, I noticed again why Skye reminded me of him a little when he looked up to me for the first time with those light blue eyes. I didn't like the way he studied me though, I always hated it when people were trying to read my mind and regretted that I didn't have my sunglasses on anymore to cover my eyes.

Anyway! It was high time to clarify some things before we could get down to business at all!


	12. Chapter 12

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

I took the last sip of my sugar fix before I bent forward a bit to speak directly in his direction.

"Let me make this very clear, Taylor. I'm not here because of you or your pathetic being. The only reason I'm here is, I owe somebody a favor. This is nothing more to me than another fucking mundane job. And that is what I'm doing here, got it?!"

He didn't even seem to be surprised about my words this time; hopefully he finally got it. No matter how pathetic he was in his current condition, I hated him too much for what he had done to me, that I couldn't even feel a ray of pity for him.

"I will try to cooperate with you Blade, just please let me know about any unusual incidents about my stalker please, okay?"

"I'm not here to follow anyone's rules Taylor. As your bodyguard I'll let you know about unusual happenings when I consider it as necessary. Your sissy boy manager said you're a teamplayer. Now it's up to you to show your teamplayer skills, coz I'm here to die for your life. Anything unclear?"

"No Blade. I know that you're mad at me... I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate you for coming back anyway..." He tried again. If he really thought that a brotherly bond still existed between us, he was even more naive than he looked.

"I'm here as your bodyguard Taylor, not for a family reunion. That means you have to follow my orders. If you're unable to accept my rules, you better say it now before I waste even more time than I already have!"

"Yeah Blade... I understand. I would really like to reconcile with you." He said but I couldn't believe him one single word. He couldn't even look into my eyes as he said that. I didn't need to deal with this pathetic, hypocritical shit any longer! So I quickly put an end to his pity ploy.

"You should go to bed Taylor. It's late and you had a rough day." I motioned him disparagingly to go upstairs.

He silently sat there for a while, his blond hair strains were messy, his eyes tired. I wagered he was daydreaming or some shit like that.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Finally, he stood up and walked to the stairway. A tear dropped down from his eye when he looked down to the chalk drawing next to him on the floor. Those lazy cops didn't even wash away the entire pool of blood from the floor. He sniffed, wiped his cheek with his sleeve and walked upstairs without another word. I could hear him closing a door and let out a heavy sigh.

I had no idea how bad his current condition was, but that wasn't my fucking problem anyway. He had enough money to afford the the world’s best health gurus and headshrinkers. I was responsible for his life, not his health situation!

I stood up and walked over to his cabinet. Hopefully I would at least find an X-box and some good video games in his entertainment center as a pastime. I got disappointed though, all I found was a luxury collection of several camera equipments and it bored the fuck out of me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Did he have nothing more in his head than to catch his stupid face from every perspective?!? I groaned and closed the cabinet doors again.

Giving up, I also walked upstairs back to my room. I checked the windows first, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary except the broken cameras. There were no noises coming from the rooms and the entire house was pitch black. The darkness didn't scare me though; I even loved the atmosphere which darkness provided. I had always been a great fan of Horror movies and video games and walking around in a dark house always reminded me of the horror video games I used to play. I kind of felt like a cool hunter in Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead and other Ego Shooters. I was almost waiting for Zombie's to jump out of the dark corners!

The savage beast spots his unsuspecting victim...  
Slowly he sneaks through the dark hallway  
Moving in for the ambush...  
FIRE AT WILL!

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I smirked, I would shoot them in the head, leave them full of bullets and Game over for those stinky creatures! Zombies were surely better opponents than that psycho Twinky Winky weirdo. I think that Twink Twink was probably some random sick groupie who just wanted to get laid. If that was her only problem, then I would go and fuck her so that she could stop messing around and then my damn job here would be done.

I walked back to my old room and sat down on my bed. Apparently, Taylor wanted me to spend the night here as if nothing ever happened. The thought of it brought the anger back and I clenched my fists. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore and that the walls would crush me to death.

Like hell I will!

But what the fuck could I do?

Everything around me screamed out the past to me. Dealing with emotions has never been easy for me. I stood up and opened the window, took a deep breath of the cool air and looked down in the garden. I used my skilled eyes to scan the view from above and could recognize our old tree house even in the darkness. For me it wasn't just a garden, it was also a place with lots of hiding places. Safety hazards were almost everywhere in and outside the house.

When I turned back around to my room and saw my old Teenager stuff, I made a snap decision to not bear the view any longer.

Within seconds, I walked over to the rack; reached out, grabbed as much of my old belongings I could carry and threw them out of the window. Over and over again I threw out items that belonged to me such as CD’s, DVD’s, Video Games, Drawings, and even clothes...

Everything I could find.

All these things flew down in a wide arc on the grass in the garden and a pile from my past slowly built up below the window. I ripped the old posters off from the walls and crumbled them hatefully up before they followed the rest of my old belongings downward.

I had no fucking clue if the faggots were already sleeping or if the noise I made woke them again. But nothing and no one would bring me back to the past I swore to myself!

Drops of sweat built up on my forehead and palms. A disgusting feature of a disgusting person.

When I was finished, the room looked empty. All that was left was the bed, a four drawer dresser and a table which didn't fit through the window frames.

I left the room and walked downstairs again. I still remembered every corner of the house, so I didn't need light to find the back door which leads to the garden.

Good thing, the faggots had left their cigarettes and lighters on the living room table, I grabbed one of their lighters and headed outside.

I walked in the garden to the pile from my past. The boy with these belonging had long since died. I bent down and picked up a picture of Taylor and me when we were teenagers. The happiness in our faces just made me want to throw up.

There was no fucking reason to keep anything of this stuff any longer. I lit up a corner of the photo and threw it down on the pile.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It became inflamed immediately and shortly afterwards; I was standing in front of a blazing fire.

I smiled frostily while watching the flames how they quickly destroyed the remains from my past into nothing. Silently, I stood there for a long while until the fire was completely burned down to the ground.

Satisfied, I made my way back to the house.

When I reached the back door, a presentiment of danger rushed over me. I immediately knew that something wasn't right. I couldn't see what was wrong, but the place seemed to be invaded by someone else. I knew the feeling too well to not recognize it. While I was in the army, my instinct always helped me on finding my opponents, my instinct saved me several times and didn't fail me...

Fuck my past for breaking into my senses again!

The back door to the garden was only a few yards away from where I stood so I left it open. It was still open but somehow, it felt different.

As I moved closer, I suddenly saw some dirty footprints on the ground which weren't there before.  
The moonshine was the only light which made them visible on the floor. My eyebrows furrowed, it was a foot print of a guy for sure, and there was no mistake about that. I needed to be prepared for a fight.

Good thing I still wore my .45 caliber. Quickly, I pulled it out of my pocket and was on high alert.

Everything was quiet and I didn't know how someone managed to get in the house behind me. Actually, I should have seen him... it was almost impossible that I didn't notice him...! But I still felt a little high from drugs, tonight wasn't the right time to start my job seriously. I wasn't used to working while on a cocaine high which clouded my senses. If only I noticed that shit coming inside, my job would be over soon. Damn, damn, damn!

But now was not the time to contemplate possible contingencies. A strange feeling overtook me while I walked inside the house. Being as quiet as possible I knew I had to be on guard...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I had to be prepared for any possibilities!

As quietly as possible, I unlocked the trigger of my gun, ready to give it a good squeeze to whatever might come at me.

Suddenly I saw something. The pool of blood on the floor in the chalk drawing was almost completely washed away...only a small smeared stain was left. Somebody must have used it for something... Somebody uninvited!

Carefully, I followed the dirty footprints to the end and then I saw it. Big smeared letters written in blood where the footprints ended

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Apparently, the high society snob didn't lie.

In an instant, I ran over to the light switch and turned the lights on. No one was there. I checked the other rooms of the ground floor, but I couldn't see anything noticeable there either.

As I looked down on the footprints more closely, I noticed that they did lead back to the garden.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

If the fucking weirdo was still outside, it wouldn't make any sense to search for him right now. It was still too dark and he might be anywhere by now.

Annoyed that I missed a chance to end this fucking job, I locked the door and went to the big wall closet. The only way to be halfway safe for the rest of the night without an alarm system.

Roughly, I pushed my body weight against the closet and shoved it in front of the back door until it was completely barricaded. Afterwards, I walked to the front door and did the same with another piece of furniture.

I looked around; there were a lot of things to do in the house. Evidently, my androgynous brother still had no conception of technique. Tomorrow, I'd make sure to fix things, so that I could get my ass the fuck out of here as soon as possible. Eventually, I hurried upstairs to check the rooms of the sleeping faggots.

Skye was sleeping deeply and the last thing I wanted was to wake up that gay, non-fucking-stop talking nightmare.

I went over to Taylor's room. No one was there except a few instruments. But then it came to my mind that he surely used our parents bedroom with his wife. The image of him and his bitch fucking in our old parent's bedroom made him even more fucked up than me. And I thought I had issues...

Shrugging that brotherly shit off me, I opened the door to their bedroom, finding Sleeping Beauty lying on a bed in the darkness. I couldn't really tell if he was awake or not.

"Hello?" A fearful voice came from the bed. Taylor has always been very good at acting innocent.

"It's me." I answered, turned the light on and quickly looked around in every corner.

He groaned about the sudden glare of light and covered his hands over his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just wanted to check and see if you’re still alive or if you were already dangling from the ceiling."

Back then, there was a time when he laughed about my jokes but it seemed that he had lost his mood to give any answer.

"Maybe I should..." was everything he absently answered.

I didn't expect his entire resignedness. I've seen the look in his eyes before. I knew it all too well....

Wrong answer Taylor, wrong answer.

[](http://www.directupload.net)


	13. In the Army now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13 is partly a Flashback / dream Chapter about Zac's past experiences in the army.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Zac / Blade:

I groaned in tiredness as I heard the loud morning siren. Finally it stopped.

"6 AM get your lazy fucking asses out of the beds soldiers!"

I was still not used to getting up so early to be honest. Who would get used to it when you don't feel your bones anymore every evening you fall exhausted on your bed...? Once again, I regretted that I couldn't turn my Playstation off at night when I was supposed to sleep.

"Zac, hey Zachary come on, get up." Santiago's voice urged me, and I knew I had to hurry up.

At 16 years and 9 months I joined the army as a special case. I couldn't officially enroll until I turned 17. Since then I have been through boot camp and training. Today was my 18th birthday.

Getting up early is one of the very first lessons you have to learn in the army.

This was my second birthday in the army, but besides my new friend Santiago, no one knew about it. Slowly, I had become used to the feeling of being left out when no one visited during holidays or when I graduated boot camp. Santiago and I were mostly the only guys who were left on those days, while the others got visits from their families, family that Santiago and I didn't have, that's why we usually hung out together and I felt comfortable in his company. He could be a good listener and not once had he made me feel that I was worthless or that I didn’t deserve to get a visit.

In the first weeks I was here, I tried sending a letter to Taylor telling him where I was but I never received a reply. It was shortly before I found out that our old parental home wasn't occupied anymore. I have been waiting years for a sign of life, but no one ever tried to search for me.

So, I finally thought that it was hopeless to wait. Enough tears of a lonely sixteen year old boy were cried without having someone to talk to. I was pretty sick of it.

Only a few years ago, my mother made chocolate cake for my birthday. But those memories were long gone now. I had never thought that loneliness would hit me so early in life.

"Life ain't easy, you have to be able to deal with everything in life if you don't want to fall."  
At least that's what Santiago taught me and he was damn right with his preaching.

There were a lot of new tasks in my life that I had to deal with. The army was new and we protected the country, soldiers had to deal with threats. It would have been nice to be able to share them with someone whom you knew cared about your life and experiences. There were other things that I wanted to share, just little things, like the weird feeling of being alone, the changing of my voice or my adjustments to having short hair. Just little mundane things I usually shared with my family, but I couldn’t do that anymore. So I just had to live my life alone with or without anyone’s help.

I don't want to look back anymore! I fucking hated to look back...

The only advantage that I got from standing on my own is that, I was forced to become independent very early.

The army is no fucking place for dreamers like my brother Taylor, you have to be grounded in reality and stay down to earth here.

Quickly, I forced my ass out of the bed and stood up. Major Riley was already standing in front of us; he was standing so straight like a fucking arrow and wouldn't allow any kind of laziness.

"You are the best among them. After all the training, blood, sweat and tears, the fourteen of you stood out amongst the others. By being the best, we expect no errors in your tasks, we expect excellence! Zachary Walker Hanson!”

[](http://www.directupload.net)

“Sir, yes Sir!”

“Your code name from now on will be Blade. You’ll lead Team Two.”

Apparently, I was fucking good at bossing people around. It was the first time that I got my own team.

“Santiago, your code name will be Red, you’ll lead team One.

"Sir, yes Sir!" Santiago affirmed his new task with enthusiasm. Apparently the fucking skunk also couldn't wait to order our colleagues around. Damn, I hoped he'd be under me at least once. On the other note, Santiago was also as excellent as I, or maybe the second best in our group, me being the first place of course. I grinned to myself.

"So this time, your teams will be in a special force. You will have some privileges other soldiers don’t have. You will be provided with special education depending on your team's assignment, you will also receive harder training than any other branch, and you will have the freedom to choose your own hairstyles."

I heard Marco, my new comrade standing on my left swallow loudly. He was an eightteen year old boy like me, but he was one of the new recruits who had no idea how hard special training could be. It was written all over his greenhorn face. I smirked; I give him one week, maybe two.

Those special privileges sounded good to me, specially the last one. They cut my long hair on the very first day I joined the army. My reflection wasn't what it used to be anymore, my hair is short now and darker. I wondered if my parents would even recognize me if they were still alive.

I wasn’t bothered by having more training in the next days. Anything that will distract me from the pain of looking back couldn't be bad! Difficult training? Hell, yeah! The harder, the better. It will be no walk in the park for my team, that's for sure!

“We will give you specific tasks and all of them are highly delicate tasks. In each job you do, always think that the US government is depending on you!”

Major Riley gave all of us one serious long glance before he turned around. Finally, he walked away from us and we heard him shouting through the next dorm.

"You’ll bring back the long hair you had before, Blade?” Santiago was already using my code name.

“Sure, I will. I’m sick of this hair. How about you?”

Santiago studied his face into the mirror, “do you think,” he scratched his chin and tilted his head to inspect the stubs of hair on it, “long hair would look good for me?”

I laughed so hard, Santiago always knew how to cheer me up. He gave me light punches on my stomach in return. Hurriedly, we got ready for another day of routine training...

Our team is good at getting dressed real quick, because we're the type of team that wears their uniforms all day.

By the end of the day, I felt exhausted. I even forgot that it was my birthday until Major Riley made his usual round to distribute the mail. Internally, I was still hoping to receive a letter to be honest, but like usual I got disappointed again. I sighed; I should finally stop fucking hoping! I was about to lay on my bed when Santiago sat down opposite me.

"Still no letter?" He asked sympathetically.

"No, surprise surprise." I stated sarcastically, avoiding looking up at him. I didn't want him to be able to read my emotions in my eyes, but he had already stood up and came over to sit down next to me.

"I know it's hard for you that you lost your parents in that young age, Blade. You know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to."

Santiago was the only person whom I didn't feel uncomfortable opening up to and I appreciated that he was there for me. Since my parent's death, he was like a father and best friend to me at the same time. His own family died while he was young and like me, he was also forced to stand on his own very early. As if that wasn't enough, on top of that I knew that Santiago lost a very close friend years ago. Sometimes I wondered if he was also in a state in which he was trying to forget painful memories.

"What do you do when you think about the friend you've lost before?" I asked him quietly.

"You mean Kurt?! I listen to his music which keeps him alive." A weak smile rushed over his lips.

"Hmm." That was not the answer I had expected.

"Didn't you tell me once that your brother is a musician as well?" he asked.

"Yes, but that's different," I shrugged, "your friend is dead, he can't come and visit you anymore. My brother is alive and he hasn't even bothered to find out where I am. I'm not fucking interested in his music anymore."

My tone became angrier, the more I thought of Taylor.

"You have swallowed a lot of anger Blade, so you're definitely here at the right place to riot."

That caused me to smirk.

"But someday, you will surely see him again and then you have to face him."

I rolled my eyes. I should have known that he couldn't leave it at that. Fucking smart ass!

"He is the fucking coward who ran away, not me! If there's anyone who has to face someone, then he has to face me, not the contrary!"

He laughed at that.

"Whatever! I have something for you, come outside with me," he suddenly said.

"What the fuck do you have that you can't show me here?"

He rolled his eyes and gave me a push. "Get your lazy ass up now Blade and follow me I said!"

I sighed again; he wouldn't leave me anyway until I gave in. So I stood up and we went outside in the back yard. He pointed down at a box on the ground.

"This is for you, it's a birthday present."

"Hmm... a new family doesn't fit in that box, Santa Clause!"

I complained jokingly and began to scratch my chin like he did before.

"Stop your stupid jokes unthankful bastard and open it!"

I squatted down as the box suddenly began to move. What the fuck?!

I carefully took the lid from the box, unsure what might be expecting me, then I suddenly looked into two curious little puppy eyes.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Five years later

I heard car engines from afar. The syndicate members were coming up close. My fingers gripped my rifle tightly. We had no choice but to make a trap. We manipulated their route; it was the only way we thought we would be able to survive this battle. I served as the bait, using the last armored vehicle that we could use. We were outnumbered and we had to be clever to be able to finish this battle alive. But that wasn’t the worst part. Because we were not just outnumbered, base on my observations, my friends and I didn't have enough ammo either. It had been three days since this never ending war started. Our enemies were able to detect where our hideout was and destroyed everything that we had. Good thing me and my team decided to bury some of our weapons in random locations in case of emergencies like this. Red’s advice had never failed and it had saved my ass countless times.

I looked around and saw my best buddy instructing his team carefully to the other side.  
To sit on the high cured grass was the only way for us to hide.

I readied myself to face the enemies, my armalite was loaded and I had six grenades left.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

My extra ammo and handguns were safely tucked on my army uniform that I’ve been wearing for countless days. In the middle of a war, changing clothes and being clean weren't necessary. What we needed are weapons, clear heads and bravery.

I looked over to my team; all of them were ready like I was. I knew that we had the same thoughts at the moment and it was to defeat the enemy, no more, no less.

Three of my men already died and one was injured, he was sitting beside me and tried to suppress the pain from the wounds he got from the bombs that killed his team mates. His name was Anderson, one of my best men. He was my age and I knew that he had a little son at home.

Even though he was already injured, I could see the determination in his eyes to fight back, 'vengeance is mine, I will make them pay!' was what they're saying. He was ready to fucking shoot his machine gun to blow our opponent’s heads off.

There were only four of us left. But fucking hell, no one would die anymore. I would never let that happen! Those syndicate members would all be killed. I didn’t care if the US government would choose to punish me for doing that. All that mattered to me was to take revenge; I would kill all of them if I could.

At that moment, I couldn’t bear to look at my friends lying on the ground lifelessly. It felt fucking horrible to see them like that when moments ago; we were sitting shoulder by shoulder, fighting our enemies together. Meanwhile, Red’s team still had five. I was lucky to have his back.

We were able to collapse the branches of this international syndicate in different countries in Asia, and this location was supposed to be the final battle of this mission. Unfortunately, their local members were bright enough to challenge us. They prepared cautiously for our attack. But they wouldn’t win. I wouldn’t let the death of my friends to be for nothing. I would fight until my last breath! I would fucking make them pay for every innocent life they took away.

When the first armored car was about 15 yards away, I signaled my men to start the death party.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was supposed to be a grand vacation. After months of being in the battle field, we surely deserved a break. It was past 1 am when we both decided to drive back to our hotel rooms. The pub that we went into was apparently filled with hot chicks. We enjoyed playing around but somehow, both of us decided to not take any of the girls with us which we realized eventually was a good choice.

The pub owners had provided some instruments which were supposed to be as entertainment products for the soldiers on vacation and Santiago used the opportunity to drum his ass off on a drum set to the rhythm of Nirvana’s "You know you're right".

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Have I mentioned what a fantastic drummer he was? I sat there watching him; it was incredible how he was so full of life and energy. I've never seen anybody else before with so much drum power like Santiago. He was the coolest of the cool, like a true rock legend. His great vibe and awesome energy was contagious. For me it was the night in which I decided that one day I would ask him to teach me play drums.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I will never bother you  
I will never promise to  
I will never follow you  
I will never bother you  
Never speak a word again  
I will crawl away for good

I will move away from here  
I won't be afraid of fear  
No thought was put into this  
I always knew it would come to this  
Things have never been so swell  
I have never failed to fail

Pain!  
Pain!  
Pain!

I couldn't help but to think of Taylor again while I listened to Kurt Cobain's lyrics which boomed out of the Pub's speakers. The song was like a message of what I would tell him if he was here now.  
How long would it take to forget him finally...

A few drinks later, Santiago who preferred to get called with his real name when we were not on an official mission was sitting in front of the wheel of his car. It was cool for me to drive with Santiago; I have loved roller coaster rides since I was a little kid, unlike Taylor.

I was enjoying the music from the stereo when we suddenly heard gun shots coming from the back. Evidently, we were the target of some gun men driving behind us who were getting closer every second and were shooting in our direction.

Santiago and I didn't need to communicate, both of us understood each other without words and we knew what to do in situations like this. Hastily, I climbed on the back seat where Santiago had a box with a few guns which he had began to collect, which was the biggest fucking luck for us at this moment! I took one of them, shot out the back window and followed it with a hard kick from my yellow doc martens, to kick away the rest of the broken glass bits which unnecessarily impeded the sight to the enemies.

No one could mess up my grand fucking vacation!  
My rifle was targeting the front wheel of our mysterious attackers when our car swerved uncontrollably, one of its wheels was already shot. Santiago tried to control and maneuver the car expertly on the side of the road while I fired calmly to the fast approaching car. Those fucking twats wouldn’t get away with this!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I convinced Santiago to continue our break even though we knew that some syndicate members where on a nationwide haunt for all of us. I should have listened to him. Because of my irrational decision, we were in this state. But after all that I’ve done wrong, he still didn’t hesitate to half carry me and bring us to safety. He succeeded as usual, but he needed aide as soon as possible. My thoughts ran a hundred miles per hour, as I tried my best to tie torn fabric to his injured shoulder. My heart beat so fast that it felt like it was banging up to my ears.

I got shit scared when I realized that Santiago might die to my arms. So with renewed strength I didn’t know I still had, I carried him to the nearest car I could find and drove with blurry vision...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

My eyes opened, searching for the familiar sight of my room in my shabby apartment. The area was strange but known at the same time, although not in a familiar, comfortable feeling way for me. I had laid myself on a couch in the hallway in front of Taylor's bedroom in hope to shake off the memories from the past. I thought it was easier here than in my old room. But with the nightmare I just had, I realized now that it doesn't make any difference where in the house I sleep. I sat up, what the fuck could I expect from this house? A good night sleep? You’re a damn fool, Blade!

Those nightmares wouldn't improve for sure. My mind was killing me already. This house could only give me nightmares at night and shitty faggot moments all day long.

I raised my hands and looked at them. These hands will never be able to shake off the guilt I carry.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I hated my palms, I hated my sweat, scars of guilt have marked my lost soul for eternity and nothing will ever be able to take that away from me. No matter what I'm fucking doing here.

I slapped my palm to my sweaty forehead and gave it a scratch. Then as if my hands have a mind of their own, my fingers reached to the rubber band around my wrist, and worked on tying my hair.

I didn’t know what else to do at the moment; I had no choice but to stay awake until in the morning. I knew that sleep would be so difficult after the dream I had.

The pictures were so clear to my head.

Dying friends to my arms, heartless people taking innocent lives, me and my friends fighting until the end, and then Santiago. My best friend who never hesitated to save me.

A lot of people became victims of many crimes that existed. Some of them were just bystanders, some were kids, mothers, students, office clerks, businessmen, fucking etcetera. And some of them were soldiers.

Like Santiago and me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The dream was just one of our common experiences. Both of us didn't know at that time that someday, his life would be changed forever because of me...


	14. Chapter 14

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor: 

Dear Diary,

I lie here in my room, in the darkness, and I still hear the sirens. It makes me wonder, what’s wrong? What happened? The truth is, deep inside I already knew it. I know what happened and that it's too late for me to do anything. I can't turn back time. My worst nightmares have become reality and I don't know how to escape from them. I feel like I don't deserve to live anymore. Here I am, hating myself and blaming myself that my obsession with my music career killed the lives of two innocent people. I am just as physically useless as I am emotionally. All I want is to lay next to them. I’m a living shell right now. Inside I’m already dead. Looking back, I see how mistaken I was. Twink Twink, why didn't you kill me as well? That is all I wish for at this moment. You've taken everything away from me and now there is no reason for me to live anymore. The darkness has consumed me, making me numb to the point of not feeling anything. This time, I know I won't be able to get through this again...

I will never forget the moment when I looked into my brothers eyes for the first time after what felt like an eternity. They were so dark and cold, as if he had buried his feelings so deep inside himself, allowing no one to look into his soul. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't find any emotions in them.

This time was no difference than the first, his dark eyes felt like two black holes looking at me, they were icy and emotionless.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

How did my brother become such a distant and indifferent stranger..?

At first I couldn't believe it when Andrew told me that Skye really managed it to convince him to come back, because Zac had appeared so mad at our first encounter. I had hoped for a chance to talk to him again, but Zachary had clarified his position very soon. He obviously doesn't give a shit about me anymore. It hurt seeing him so full of hate towards me, he was still my little brother after all...

But nothing seemed to matter anymore. The devil has won I've lost all ambition, I've given up the fight;  
I just want to cry, I just want to scream. All my hopes and dreams seemed to be coming true, but reality caught up with me in this tragic night when everything in my life went to hell. 

*****************************

I woke up the next morning with sticky eyelashes from the tears, my face was still lying on the diary pages. I had cried myself to sleep and the tears still stung like acid streaming down my face.

Weak daylight fell through my window, the first day without my family.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I didn't even expect to wake up anymore after last night. It felt like a miracle that I had slept at all and that made me feel even guiltier. My tired body must have left me hanging at some point when I fell asleep...

The cold realization that I was still here slowly began to set in.

A picture of Natalie and I stood on the nightstand on her side of the bed. It was taken during happier days which were so far away now that they felt almost unreal and unreachable today.

Goodbye my Love... why did god take you away?

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Forgive me Hope Alexandria...

this was the name for my daughter I had in my mind since Nat told me that we were expecting a girl. Sadly she never got a chance to see daylight...

I tried to escape myself from the unbearable thoughts and found myself humming quietly a song that I wrote years ago.

Waking up this morning, thinking this can't be real...  
But there's nothing Love can't heal...

I was so wrong. There was no one in the world who had love for me anymore and I will never be happy again. Even if my brother was able to protect me from that crazy Stalker, nothing and no one could save me anymore.

I tried to turn around so not to have to look into my wife's eyes anymore. Even though she smiled in the picture, all I saw was her staring; her gaze was full of reproach towards me... the same dull staring that was in her eyes as I held her lifeless hand the night before.

But somehow my body wouldn’t move.

What the fuck?

I tried to turn again, but realized I couldn't move my hands. I looked down at my wrists and saw that they were tied to the bed frame by my own scarves.

What the hell was going on here? Was I still dreaming or was this real? I was still contemplating while I angrily tried to unbind myself but my wrists didn't budge an inch no matter how much I tried. Instead it just hurt and felt like the scarves got tighter around my wrists. Fantastic! Fuck the bastard who had confined me to my own bed!

I didn't know what to do. If this was Zachary's way of protecting me, he was even crazier than fucking Twink Twink! I didn't know how he managed to confine me while I was sleeping. Maybe he remembered that I usually slept deeply. But he wouldn't stop me from killing myself. I would find a way and no one and nothing would be able to stop me from going to the place where my family is.

But what could I do now, wait until Skye or Zac to come to get me? Scream?

I was mad, but at the same time I didn't want to make a fool of myself and shout for my little brother to come and help me!

That was definitely not an option. I wished I was able to conjure forth Skye, but I wasn't sure if he'd look for me at all. Compared to my uncivilized brother Skye wouldn't just come in univited, He was very respectful of privacy.

As if being confined to my bed wasn't enough trouble, I felt light pressure on my bladder. If no one came for me soon, the situation would become even more embarrassing than it already was. I hoped I wouldn't have an accident.

Suddenly a worthwhile idea came into my mind. My cell phone was still in my back pocket as I had not showered the night before. After the cruel incidents yesterday, I neither had the strength nor the desire to get changed into pajamas. I still lay there in the same clothes from yesterday. It was untypical for me not to shower after a concert but those minor matters didn't matter for me after the horrible events.

If I was lucky it should still be in my pocket, although I wasn't sure if I was able to reach it. But I didn't see any other alternative.

So I sucked in a deep breath and strained my hand to reach out for my phone. I stretched my fingers as best as I could, and clawed over my butt until I finally felt the top of the hard plastic frame. Good thing my pianist hands were trained, I only needed three attempts until my frantic efforts paid off.

The cold plastic felt like a salvation in my hand. I knew I wouldn't be able to bring my hand to my ear but at least I could dial Skye's number which I had saved under speed dial. I just needed to press '1' and he would hopefully answer the phone. Hastily I pressed the number, anything was better than waiting for my brother to come.

I tried to listen hard to see if Skye was answering the phone but the microphone was too far away and obviously to quiet.

All I could do was wait, I totally forgot about the hands-free microphone option in my despair.

I was about to shout Skye's name in the receiver when there was a knock on the door. I let out a sigh of relief.

I was never so glad to hear Skye's voice before. Quickly I pulled the pillow over the diary with my teeth to protect my written thoughts and not present them on a silver platter before I called him to come in. As he opened the door and saw me lying there confined to the bed, he recoiled a little.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Oh my god Tay, what happened?"

"Don't ask! My damn gangster brother confined me to the bed last night while I was sleeping!" I said with an annoyed shake of my head.

"Really?" His blue eyes widened at first, but then a little smile was rushing over his lips.

"What is so funny about that?" I frowned at him.

He bent down and began to unknot the scarves from my wrists.

"Tay, your brother is here to protect you, and I'm sure that's what he did."

Honestly it irritated and confused me that Skye was defending him that much, sure he told me that Zac saved him from a brutal aussault, but this here was different. Zac obviously hated me because I moved away years ago...

"Are you kidding me Skye? You call this "protection"?? My wrists are bound; I couldn't even go to the fucking bathroom." I was still mad and I wasn't sure if I could even think about it from this point of view. There is no existing reason why he might want to protect me when everything that he showed was hatred towards me...

Skye bent over to the other side to untie the second knot.

"I think he just doesn't want you to attempt suicide Tay, and he is right about that. That's why he is here Taylor, remember? Give him a chance, I don't know what happened between the two of you but I think that it is right that you have your brother around you now."

I sat up in my bed and rubbed over my strangled wrists after they were finally free again.  
Honestly it was hard for me to understand why Zac came back, since he hated me that much. Sure I was thankful that he came back, but I didn't know how I would ever find a way to show him that when all that was left between us was the despise he had for me.

"I don't know if I have the strength to make this up to him..." I said to him, more calmly now.

Skye took my hand and squeezed it lightly.

"I know that you can do that Taylor. You are an intelligent guy and a peacemaker. I'm sure you will find a way to show your brother somehow. Stay optimistic Tay, like usual. Besides, you know that I'm here too."

"I know. Thank you so much Skye." I gave him a weak smile.

I wasn't in the mood for a longer discussion.

How should I be able to stay optimistic when my family was just killed?!

I had already made a final decision for myself to end my life and as much as I felt sorry for Skye, I knew that Andrew will be there for him to get over it. I just didn't want to live this life anymore.  
A dead wife with an unborn child and a brother who hated me were too much for me to endure.

We were silently sitting there in thoughts, when suddenly my gangster brother appeared in the open door frame, without us noticing it at first. There was the look again. He had the same icy coldness in his eyes which made my blood freeze as he glared down at me.

"Sup Blondie, survived the night?"

It had been over ten years since Zachary called me that. I doubted that he did it to rake up our past though; perhaps he wasn't even aware about it.

He entered without knocking of course and came into my bedroom without any invitation. I felt uncomfortable about his sudden appearance but I didn't want to voice it. Even though he was my little brother my heart raced with fear when I looked at him. I didn't know what he was planning to do. Blade looked like someone from the streets and the many years in which we haven't seen each other had made him a total stranger to me. How could I trust him when I knew nothing about him?

Skye stood up to make room for him and he sat down at the end of my bed without saying a word.

"Why did you do that?" I asked him. To be honest, I doubted that Zac was interested in my answer on how my night went, so I didn’t bother to answer. However, he could at least tell me the reason for his actions.

Skye and I both stared at him expectantly. For me it felt like we were in totally different worlds, as if we would speak in different languages and just talk past each other.

"I need a cell phone." was his toneless answer. What is wrong with him? Why did he always ignore my questions?

"I said why the hell did you do that Blade?"

Suddenly he looked up at me; his eyes almost killed me because they were so full of anger and hate.

"Listen Taylor, if you want me to work for you properly I need a fucking cell phone. So do you have one for me or not, biznitch?!?"

He barked contemptuously, his tone so icy it sent chills down my spine. Even though he already showed me twice that he didn't give a fuck about me, his anger shocked me again. I wondered if he was only here to punish me. I didn't know how I could handle that and how much more I could take of this to be honest.

Quite obviously he didn't want to be here.

But what if Skye was right that he didn't have bad intentions when he confined me to the bed?

He was so distant and cold though that I didn't even dare approach the subject of us and our past. I already sensed that all doors were locked so firmly that he wouldn't open up to me.

Right now all I felt was lost and broken, so I didn't see any sense in arguing with him. I felt hurt and sad that he obviously saw me like most people did. Like all worries were indifferent for me, just because I had money. Not even trying to look beyond the surface...

"Why don't you give him Natalie's phone Taylor?" Skye interrupted. He ignored Zac's insult once again. In a way he reminded me of myself, I knew that he was just trying to mediate between two strangers who didn't know how to deal with each other 'cause he wanted us to clarify the subject in a peaceful way. Although I didn't know how that was possible because everything Zac did was just to insult me. Sure, he had reasons to hate me.

If only he would understand...

His behavior just made it almost impossible to converse with him.

I sighed. I guess I did owe him, so I should give him a chance. As much as he seemed to hate me, he was still here after all. That's why I decided not to respond to his insult. If he got another reason to leave I would be left with the same guilt as before and I couldn't do this to him anymore.

He was still my brother, no matter what he was doing. Or perhaps Skye was right and I was just an eternal optimist.

I shifted over to Natalie's side of the bed and opened the drawer of the nightstand.

"You can have my wife's phone." I said quietly, taking Natalie's black iPhone out of it and shoved it over to him.

I had no idea why he didn't have his own phone, but it did not feel important at the moment. The phone lines in the house were still cut, so I didn't dare to counter question this time. Besides, I knew Nat wouldn't need it anymore so I guess there was no plausible reason to deny it to him.

"Do you know the number?" He asked, still in the same indifferent voice.

Was he fucking kidding me?

"It's my wife's phone."

"I know. So do you know her number?" He repeated blankly.

Skye and I just looked at him with confused, disbelieving and frowning expressions. I wasn't sure what to think about his stupid question to be honest. I remembered Zac always had a talent to drive everyone crazy and didn't take anyone serious. Either that part of him didn't change or he was just a ruthless bastard, perhaps both of those.

Did he never grow up from that immature behavior?

"Of course I do!" I yelled angrily. I was fighting with my emotions at the moment, trying to remain calm even though I was getting angry. How dare he talk to me like that! He was such a fucking asshole!

"Good," was all he said, took the phone and shoved it into his pocket. I was mad, that's why I didn't think about the effect of my last sentence to him as he stood up.

"You are allowed to go now." I waved my hand to signal him to leave.

"So you're still seeing the world through naive rose-colores glasses pampered bitch queen?!? Seems like I have to repeat myself if you're hard of understanding; NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR FUCKING PERMISSION!" He shouted in such a disparaging and respectless way as if I had said something so very stupid that he nearly burst into a raucous masculine laughter on his way out of my bedroom which left Skye and me wide-eyed and shocked me even more.

"What was that?" I asked Skye when he was gone. Both of us let out a relieved sigh without the awkward company of my brother.

"God, he is such a bastard." I moaned and stroked the long strands of hair out of my face. My nerves raw already and I didn't know how much more I would be able to ignore and simply swallow.

Skye sat down next to me and hugged my back with his arm soothingly.

"What happened between the two of you? You've never told me why you and your brother lost contact."

As much as I trusted and loved Skye as my closest friend, I just couldn't reopen old sores. The pain of the death of my wife and my unborn child were too much for me to handle already.

"I'm sorry Skye, please don't get me wrong but I can't talk about that..."

"That's okay Taylor. I assume I don't have the right to meddle in your personal business."

I wasn't sure if he was hurt about that. Usually I told Skye everything. He was the only one who knows about me being gay. We had never talked about my past and I wasn't planning to change that. I could never talk about that to anyone again...

"Come on babe, let's get you dressed. You look like a mess." He said it in an exhilarant way as if putting on clothes was the most exciting thing in the world.

"I feel like a mess. I need a shower first."

"Okay. I'm gonna go back into your guest room and make a few calls to cancel your upcoming tourdates. Do you let me know when you're finished?"

I nodded and hugged him one more time before I let go of his hand and walked into the bathroom.

My hands were shaking silently as I reached for the knob to lock the door behind me.


	15. Chapter 15

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

Once again, I had received another big fat asskick from my older brother instead of just saying some of the most simplest words in the world which should have been

"Thank you"

I didn't even fucking know what I was still doing here to be honest. Apparently, Taylor thought that I didn't have any feelings at all. He was such a fucking liar, how could he say he would appreciate me for coming back when he obviously doesn't want me here to protect him?!

I fucking hated to admit to myself that after all these years, it still hurt me. Instead of appreciating my actions, all he did was question me.

I had spent so many years trying to bury the past, but since Skye followed me like a God given plague and used Santiago like a fucking magic stick to chase me around everything went literally out the fucking window.

After I put my easy job as a brothel owner for stupid bitch whores on ice, I was now here and my fucking brother didn’t even trust me!

As if I ever gave him any reason not to trust me...

I didn't need to be fucking Albert Einstein to see it in the way he looked at me that he felt uncomfortable in my company. I was already used to the fact that famous high society snobs like my brother don't usually associate with the dirty scum of society like me, but just because I didn't give much about the way I look and don't spend half of the day in front of a mirror like he did, it didn't mean that he was a better person than me.

I never gave a shit about fame and society. Standing in the spotlight has always been Taylor's place.

Apparently, I was just the ugly brother, the horrible son. Not even the second choice. I was the leftover. I was not the clever one. I was the talentless one. I was the "why are you even here?"

I'm just not good enough.

And that's exactly how he always made me feel.

So what the fuck else could I expect from such a self-centered person...?!

I went downstairs, plopped my ass down on the couch in the living room and pulled the cell phone out of my pocket. After the dumb faggot conversation upstairs, I was more than yearning to talk to someone 'normal'.

But first, I had to check to see if the fucking phone was clean. The cop faggots checked the house but who knows if they checked the phone of Taylor's dead bitch...

With a sick Freak like Twink Twink, you had to expect everything!

As I had special training as an agent years ago, I was clued-in about possible concealed bugs. It didn't need more than a few seconds until I had opened the plastic frame and disassembled the phone into its components. It was clean so I could use it. I reassembled it quickly and dialed Santiago's number.

There were a few things which I hoped to clarify.

"Santiago's bar!" I heard on the other end.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It was a good sign that Santiago was already awake.

I knew that he also had to deal with nightmares which we were both trying to forget...

"It's me." I wasn't in the mood for a more enthusiastic greeting.

"Blade? Whose number is this? Do you have a new one?"

"Yeah yeah...there is this old Mexican man who was always bothering me on the phone, so I needed another one."

"Real funny. Where are you now? How is your brother?"

"He lives in a fucking faggot brothel."

"Ah, so he's sort of a co-worker?!?"

I rolled my eyes. Either he didn't want to understand or he was not in the mood to cheer a friend up. Fucking great.

"I didn't fucking call you to talk about my fucking brother Santa."

"Keep cool soldier! Just tell me how the two of you get along!"

"Fantastic. We love each other to death!" I didn't even try to hide the sarcasm in my tone.

"Good, good. You know that I expect you to protect him well!" He praised, but his tone was determined at the same time. It was about time to tell him the truth.

"I honestly don't think I'm the right person for this job, Red. Last night, I was in the garden for a while and a stranger was able to get into the house without me noticing and he left a lovely note in blood on the floor. When I went back in the house, the freaking motherfucker was already gone. Like I told you, I'm out of practice."

I knew that Santiago hated it when I called him by his code name, but sometimes I'm just a bastard like that. If he could fucking teasing me, I could do the same.

Of course I knew that I was trying to find excuses, I just didn't know how the fuck I could deal with the fucking war in my head between remembering and forgetting the past and my fucking unthankful bitch of a brother on top of that.

Basically, I already knew that he's gonna tell me that I'm just talking bullshit.

"Stop talking that shit, you aren't lacking practice, Blade!"

What'd I tell you?

"I fucking know that you were on drugs last night, SO DON'T EVEN TRY TO LIE TO ME! I'm gonna tell you something, I expect you to do your job properly and in sober condition from now on!"

I had to pull the phone away from my ear because of his angry loud voice, he didn't even give me a chance to interrupt him, but I knew he wouldn't listen anyway...

"Wait, the culprit is a man? You're sure about that?" He suddenly asked.

"Well...I think so compared to the Hobbit feet size prints. A man is in love with my brother 'cause it's pretty obvious that he's a fairy faggot!"

"Stop talking in fucking riddles Blade! That city slicker boy said that he had only sent letters so far and now he has left a note in blood?"

"Yeah, perhaps he was in the mood to decorate the house for Halloween this time."

"Shut the fuck up, Blade and be serious! You fucking know what that means! It might be the next step from the culprit."

Yes I knew what he was talking about. Santiago and I had learned enough about criminals during our common army operations. It was very obvious that my diva brother was in danger.

"You know what? You should have your dog by your side. Nathaniel can bring him over to you with his delivery van. You know that Bandito will notice any possible nightly intruder right away and stop trying to tell me that you aren't the right person for that job Blade, 'cause I fucking know that you are!" He ended.

I gave in. He wouldn't change his mind, no matter whatever the fuck I was telling him.

Actually, it was a good idea to have my dog by my side. With Bandito's help, I might catch that Freak easier.  
The sooner the fucking job is over, the better!

In other words, the fucking smartass was right once again.

So I gave him the address and hung up. Then I called the police.

Instead of talking to Skye's smug police lover cop, I would inform that touchy Detective Wright faggot about the recent incident.

I heard the ringing against my ear, three times... six times... what the fuck do those lazy motherfucking cops...? do they even work at all?!

"Hello, Los Angeles police department, how can I help you?"

I heard a young female voice talking after I finally reached another human on the other end of the line.

"Yeah, I want to talk to someone who has something to say."

"Who is this please?"

"James Bond."

"Is this supposed to be a joke Sir?"

Was I speaking a dead language?

"Fuck no! This is the scary truth doll. Now will you get me to Detective Wright, alrighty?!"

"One moment, I will connect you, Sir."

I sighed. I didn't know how Detective Touchy would react about the news of the recent incident. Probably he would say the opposite of what Santiago just told me and tell me that I'm not the right person for that job, so I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea...

But surprisingly my expectation didn't get fulfilled; he seemed to be even delighted about my cooperation, even though the news wasn't important enough for him to send out one of his cops for trace analysis. It was pretty obvious that the motherfucking freak didn't use his own blood. The result of a examination would be adulterated. Apparently, I was good enough to do that for them, those fucking lazy cops wouldn't break from their coffee and donut party for news like that.

No wonder the faggots didn't feel safe here!

It was already enough for him to get a photo of the note and to know the size of the foot prints. I sent him the photo via text message, gave him the information that he wanted and hang up.

It was all I could do for now.

I was glad that the two fairies were still upstairs dressing their girly faggot asses, that should keep them busy for a while. Coz the less of their milkfaces I saw, the better!

The doorbell rang and brought me out of my thoughts. I went to the bathroom beside the front door; there was a small window here that made it possible to see who was at the front door.

Apparently the dumb homo cop was unable to figure that out yesterday.

It was Santiago's kitchen slave boy and my dog buddy who were standing outside.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

So I pushed the cupboard away from the door to open it.

Nathaniel greeted me with my excited, happily stumpy tail wagging Rottweiler beside him.

"I gave him something to eat this morning," he said.

"Fine, thanks."

I took the leash out of his hand and he walked back to his car. I closed the door when he was out of sight and let my dog hail me excitedly.

"Calm down buddy, that's enough now!"

He didn't seem to take me seriously and jumped up and down full of excitement.

"Warf, warf."

Then he began to snoop curiously around in every corners, probably searching for food like usual.

"No buddy, you got your food already!"

It was useless. If there were two living things in the world who don't take me seriously, they were Santiago and Bandito.

He followed me excitedly back into the Living room, curiously inspecting the unknown area with his sniffing snout.

When he reached the chalk drawing, his breathing became faster and I knew that he smelled the blood. Before I knew what was going on, his eager instinct had taken control and he was busy licking the dried blood from the marble floor.

I was about to stop him when I thought about what would happen when the two bitch chicks came downstairs and seen what happened. Skye would surely begin to rant in his shrill voice while my dainty heartthrob brother faints again or some other girly shit like that.

So instead of stopping him, I let him do it.

This was better, because it wouldn't add another edge of hysteria to the situation.

In no time he had cleaned the blood and marked over the shoe prints with his paw prints. No trace of blood remained and no shoe prints were there either.

"Good job buddy!" I smirked and went into the kitchen to check out if there's anything else eatable for me and him in the house than blood.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

video inspiration for this Chapter:


	16. Chapter 16

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

I stood in the bathroom, leaning my back against the door for a long time. I looked up and mindlessly watched the ceiling and the light in the middle of it. My vision became blurry as tears welled up in my eyes again. Slowly I slid down on the floor.

I thought the death of my parents was the hardest and most painful part of my life, I never expected that I'd experience losing my loved ones again, especially not in a cruel way like this.

What have I done?! How could I be so careless? Could I have prevented their death if I'd taken those weird letters more seriously?

The voices in my head were always conflicting over the life I've led. Questions of which I would never get answers for were anguishing me, because I knew that it was too late.

I will never see Natalie's face waking up next to me again and without my family, I was all alone.

Back then, it took me over a year to get over the death of my parents. The wounds from their death and the facts associated with their death were still painful to me.

Our parents were always supporting us, especially me and my career. My dad had arranged everything for me so that I could be have an opportunity in the music business.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

If we hadn't moved to California because of me ten years ago, they would still be alive.

Their death was my fault. Our family would still have been complete and happy if my music career and I hadn't broken that up. The car accident of our parents happened when they were on the way to one of my very first big gigs in Los Angeles.

I didn't know how I could be there for Zac after that. How could I look into his eyes every day with the knowledge that I am the person who is responsible for the death of our parents? It's my fault there are not alive anymore.

That was the reason for my escape. I wanted to be anywhere but in this world.

Zachary didn't know that I had stopped making music after their death. Actually, I never wanted to make music again. I was so full of guilt and didn't know how to handle it.

I needed time, time to get over the death of our parents, find myself again and get back to life. I tried to recover, to get better. I always hoped Zac would also find his own way and happiness again; I never wanted us to grow apart.

I just couldn't carry the burden, so I escaped because I didn't know how to deal with the guilt. I thought I would never be able to find happiness in anything again, nor in making music.

Until one day, I received a copy of my parents' testament in which they told me that they didn't want me to give up my music career and assured me to continue going my way at any price.

It took me over a year to slowly find my passion for music again. I met Natalie and it was like a dream, a beautiful dream I could never have imagined in a thousand years... There was a girl next to me who didn't catch my attention until she smiled and I felt that beautiful smile come at me in heat waves, soaking through my body and out my finger tips in shafts of color. In that moment I knew there was still love for me in this world. This girl gave me the love that I needed to get over my sorrow and guilt; she helped me to find my way back to life and my music.

When I finally felt better, I tried my best to search for Zachary and inquired into his whereabouts but it was too late. Too much time had passed and I had waited too long. I had wasted too much time and lost track of him. All I could find out was that he had joined the army and became part of a special team with secret missions for the government. After that, he suddenly disappeared. Apparently he stopped using his real name because I wasn't able to get any additional details about him anymore after that.

Our parent's house was for sale and I bought it in the hopes to feel home in this place again. I've always been a family person and I always hoped Zachary would come back someday and we could be a close family again.

But everything had changed; too many years had passed in the meantime. The happiness in Zachary's sixteen year old face didn't exist anymore and I knew that I had taken it away from him. The new face of Blade just scared me. There was so much anger and hate reflected in his dark eyes every time he looked at me; they were full of contempt.

Even though he didn't say anything about us and our past, it didn't need words to say out loud how much he hated and blamed me for leaving. Our good relationship was far too gone now and both of us had become strangers. Because of all the despise he showed me now, it made me realized that it's too late for a reconciliation attempt between us.

Zac could insult me as much as he wanted, it wouldn't hurt me anymore. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I was just a numb shell.

I didn't plan to come out again. The reality was killing me; the only escape left for me was death to numb the pain. There was no other way. Thinking of committing suicide is all I can think of, because it will bring me to my family. I can think of hundreds of ways to die and hundreds of ways to do it but I can't think of one way to live with the guilt, so I locked myself away.

In my current state, I didn't have the strength to deal with Blade. I was so tired of fighting all the time. None from my fans or the public knew the real me, I had always tried to keep my head high even though I'm broken inside.

Natalie had been a big fan of my music years before we began dating, so it was normal for her to hang posters in our home from my various performances. She always told me that her biggest dream came true when we got married. Both of us were so lucky. For the media we've been a dream couple.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why I thought our love would remain forever. Sadly, our love couldn't withstand my busy life with the touring, the constant appointments for interviews and long recording hours in the studio. No pictures of me on our walls or phone calls could replace a daily attendance. I realized too late that our love couldn't be fixed anymore.

It made me lonely to live a life without love, as lonely as she felt. Since I lost Nat and my unborn child, I felt like I had never figured out how to live this life.

The reality was so very different. It's amazing what some good clothes and a fake smile can do. For the media and public, I always had to pretend to smile beautifully, to hide my injured soul and not show them how unhappy I really was. I was forced to fake a smile and laugh every day of my life. But fake happiness is still the worst sadness. It's scary what a smile can hide. Every day I would get up and pretend that nothing was wrong and I was OK. I did this so no one would pay me additional attention, I wasn't seeking it. It was so no one knew how I really felt. I'm too scared to say it, I felt I had to hide behind a smile.

But the truth is, I am more broken than anyone ever thought.

Nobody knows how many times I've lay alone in a hotel room and cried, how many times I've lost hope and felt alone. Emptiness has hit me like a black hole sucking the life and hope out of me.

I wish I could run away from all the shit, but no matter where I go the feelings of remorse, pain and guilt stayed inside of me and ate away at my useless soul. There's too much to escape from but nowhere to escape to, except death. I was drowning inside and nobody could hear me scream and here at the end of all things, death sounds like a melody...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Maybe one day, in another life, Zac and I will meet again when we are different people. Maybe then we will be better for each other. Something broke between us, he changed and I changed.

Like back then, I couldn't bear the guilt. I didn't know how to deal with the guilty burden of the past and the loss of my wife and child on top of that. It was too much for me to deal with.

Dear Natalie and Alexandria, I'm telling this to you in my thoughts to tell you I'm done.  
No one can help me anymore. Hopefully, we will soon be together again, wherever my girls are now...

All I want is to be happy together with them.

I wasn't even aware anymore of my tears falling down my cheeks as I stood up and pulled off my clothes.

Hopefully, Zachary would not hate me even more after what I was about to do.

I didn't want to leave this world with hate left behind, but at this point, there was no return for me anymore.

Without taking notice of my little whimpers, I stepped into the shower and turned on the faucet. Silently, I stood under the cascading water and let it run down my pale body for a while.

I wanted to clean up myself first, to not look like a total mess when I implemented my scheme to leave this world. Even though that was exactly how I felt. Physically and emotionally. I knew it was almost immaterial in my current state, but perhaps I was still a perfectionist after all...

When I was finished, I got out of the shower and put on a bathrobe. Then I went in the corner of the room where the medicine cupboard was. Hopefully the pain would be over soon...

Though, as I opened the door, my eyes widened and I was completely taken aback.  
The cabinet was empty.

What the hell....!

Had Zachary became a junkie? Where were all of my medications?!

I was sure that it could have only been my gangster brother who had cleared them out. I was robbed in my own house!

But it didn't matter anymore. Even if Zac just tried to keep me away from another suicide attempt, there were other ways.

If the easy way wouldn't work, then it had to be the hard way. Determined, I opened the drawer below the cupboard to take out my shaving gear. Too many traces of guilt were in my blood so I'd drag blades across my skin until they are gone...

But I got surprised again.

My shaving things were gone as well!

Who the hell did that stealing bastard think he was?!?

I sighed; I didn't know what to do. Maybe I should go down and knock the shit out of him!

The situation became fucking ridiculous. I couldn't even fucking kill myself in my own house!

I looked around to find out what else I could do but I noticed that the mirror from the wall was also gone. Fantastic! My little brother didn't forget a thing. To break a window was not a possible option either; I had to replace the window panes in the house with bulletproof glass a few years ago.

I didn't know what else to do but to give in. Apparently, Zachary really tried to keep me away from committing suicide. I wasn't sure why he did that, at the moment I couldn't think of any plausible reason for his actions.

I sighed and opened the door again. I had to talk to him. He couldn't just take away my things like he wanted to. Eventually, it was my own decision what to do with my life. So with built up strength I didn't know I still had, I marched theatrically downstairs.

I opened my mouth to call him as I saw him sitting on the couch in the living room, when suddenly a big black dog excitedly jumped towards me. I backed off at first as he popped up his head, but then I let him sniff at my hand. It was the same dog that Zac had with him when I saw him for the first time yesterday.

He was happily wagging his stumpy tail as he greeted me.

I sat down on the last step and stroked his back carefully. It seemed that he had a good disposition so I didn't protest when he pushed in and snuggled up on my lap. I continued stroking his fur and he watched me intently with his curious brown eyes.

My brother didn't turn around to face me and I watched his back for a while. He sat there with his legs lying on the table; a bowl filled with milk and cornflakes in his hand and he shoveled the spoon in his big fat mouth every few seconds while he was watching The Simpsons.

I couldn't help but to smile a little at the sight.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Even though it was just a very simple thing, a familiar memory rushed over me as I saw him sitting there.

Maybe I was wrong and he didn't change that much after all...

Somehow, I found hope in the warm-heartedness which his dog showed me and my younger brother sitting there watching Cartoons like in earlier days. For the first time, I suddenly didn't feel alone anymore.

And I slowly realized that I wanted to live again.

Live.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

video inspiration for this Chapter:

Only Time - Taylor Hanson by Enya ♥


	17. Chapter 17

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

For the first time, I had found a little innerly peace with the company of Zac's dog on my lap and him watching Cartoons. As I sat there and watched him, I slowly realized that Skye was right when he said that I should give my brother a chance.

I still wasn't sure of Zac's intentions when he confined me to the bed and took away my things, but I also knew that I wouldn't be here anymore if he didn't do that. Only because of my brother's precautions, I was still here.

Somehow, Blade seemed to know what to do without needing a conversation. I realized that I had to make a decision for myself. A decision to try to ignore his vulgarities, at least for a while.

Because what most mattered was that, he obviously made his job and really tried to keep me away from committing suicide. Even if he wouldn't talk with me about our past, maybe I could at least somehow show him that I'm not the picture of the person of whom he thought I was... if he was still interested in getting to know more about me at all...

To be honest, I wasn't sure if I could ever get used to the fact that my little brother would protect me, but I also knew that I owed Zac to give him a chance. Like back then, he still had a better body frame than me. He used to play around a lot before and was a natural at sports. At present time, I didn't know him well enough, I couldn't asses his strength. All I knew about him were the few things that Skye had told me about him. Basing to Skye's assertions, he was skilled, intelligent and strong. But even if Zac was stronger than me, he was nowhere near a Hercules.

Well, for now, I knew that I would have to learn trusting him when he was working for me. I already sensed that it would be a hard road, but maybe someday, I would find a way back to him... back to being a family with him and us being brothers again..

With all the despise that was left from his side, I wasn't sure if to fight for a reconciliation was realistic at all. I knew that no matter how much I wished I could turn back time, nothing could bring back the old times anymore, but my brother deserved that I at least tried and not run away like a fucking coward again, like I had done nine years before.

I had to learn to face my brother and the past, even if I didn't know yet how I could find the strength in trying and if I would ever see a sense in living again. But Zachary had deserved that I at least tried to make up after all.

Even if the feelings of guilt would never leave me...

I remembered when he was younger, he used to be a wild, crazy little devil who loved to drive everyone up the walls and could be unbearable to everyone. He had always been very stubborn and half assed apologies never worked with Zachary Walker Hanson. He was a typical little troublemaker, he liked to fight a lot. He liked to do stupid things, run around and have fun. When I got the news that he was in an army education, it was no surprise for me. I always thought his way might be something like that. He loved to play with toy guns and rifles since he was a little boy.

I continued stroking the fur of his black dog who seemed to like me somehow. I remembered that Skye said his name is Bandito. It felt nice for me to have someone around who enjoyed my company, even when it's just a dog.

A few peaceful minutes passed in silence until I heard Skye's voice upstairs in the hallway, calling for me.

"I'm here," I shouted back to him. I made sure not to be too loud, because I didn't want to scare Bandito away. As Skye came down the stairway and saw that a dog was sitting on my lap, he covered his hand over his mouth and exclaimed

"Oh my god, the monster dog is back!"

I heard my brother snorting scornfully about that, without turning his attention away from the TV.

"No, Skye, he's not a monster. He's friendly, see?"

I assured him. "He seems to like me."

"Must be his bad day." The indifferent voice from my brother heckled, but this time it didn't interest me anymore.

I knew that I had to try to focus on the fact that he saved my life without telling me about his actions.  
And trying to believe in my optimistic instinct that his intentions weren't bad, no matter how naive it may sound.

"I don't know Tay, he looks dangerous for me, I'm not used to the company of dogs.." Skye still hesitated to come down closer.

"Coz he rather spend his time on cocksucking!" My brother ended.

God, he was such an asshole. He had reasons to hate me, but why did he have to pick up at Skye that much? When did my brother became a homophobic? Couldn't he deal with gay men? I didn't know what to do to make the situation better, so I mouthed a 'sorry' to Skye to apologize about my younger brother's immature behavior, but he motioned a never mind gesture with his hands to me.

"No worries Tay, I can handle that. Shall we go upstairs to get you some clothes?"

He almost whispered, so that the sound of the TV would be louder than his voice, probably to not provide Zac new ammunition for his next insult.

I nodded and shoved his dog from my lap as carefully as possible. Then I stood up, took Skye's hand and we walked upstairs together. I heard Zac shamelessly burping in the background.

We went back to my bedroom where Skye immediately began to clear out my wardrobe like usual. He was always in his element when it comes to clothes and styling. Usually, we shared this interest but currently I didn't know how to handle anything.

"I made a few calls Tay, but the press is going crazy already because of the tour cancel. I have to arrange your matters personally. Do you think I can let you alone with your brother for a few hours? I don't know how long it will take, but I can't cancel everything by phone. The press expects a personal statement..."

He talked and talked and I sat there on my bed while I still felt as if I was in a different world. I was very thankful to Skye that he cared about my business matters, I always knew that he was the right person for being my manager.

Eagerly, he pulled out one of my best black suits out of my wardrobe and suddenly I was faced with the feelings of guilt again.

"Skye, please don't get me wrong but I'm not in the mood to wear a black suit today. It's like wearing a flagship for the death of my family. Please give me something else, ok?"

"Sorry Taylor, I didn't want to make you feel bad all the more... I guess it's hard for me to understand what you are currently going through."

Somehow, his careful behavior made the situation even harder for me. I knew he meant it well, but his steady consideration reminded me even more about the real facts.

I guess I always tried to escape my mind from things which were too hard for me to deal with...  
And that's probably a big part why I loved being a musician that much. It gives me the possibility to distract myself with music from all the mess and bad things in my life.

I was glad that Skye was here and cared about my business matters. I appreciated his company, but I was somehow relieved a little that he would leave me alone for a few hours.

"No worries Skye, my brother is now here, so there is no hurry when you have to go."

"Really?"

He took my hand and squeezed it lightly.

I nodded. "Yeah sure."

He sighed relieved and his expression clearly lighted up after that.

He went back into the wardrobe and came back with a grey suit.

"How about that?"

"No, some jeans and a shirt will do it."

"You are such a perfectionist Taylor." He giggled jokingly which caused me to smile a little, coz I knew that Skye also could be like that.

He finally gave me something normal to wear before he began to bubble again.

"You know what? Why don't you come over to me and Eagle Eye this evening for a few drinks? Eagle Eye will be there for us and Blade might have some free time for his private life in the meantime. What do you think?"

"Sounds good to me." I answered. Skye was probably right about that to not push Zac and me against each other too much. I had no idea what Zac did in his private life, but I knew that I couldn't leash him around the clock. And I also knew that I could trust Andrew and that he would take good care of us in the meantime.

"Awesome." He squealed almost, "I will see you this evening then?"

"Sure, I will come over for some drinks." Skye and Andrew were living only a fifteen minute walk away from here and we often spent evenings together, even more after Natalie and my relationship slowly broke apart. Skye and Andrew were such a great couple and friends, I always enjoyed their company and it never felt awkward with them. They always appreciated my company and never gave me the feeling that I was too close between them. Skye has been my closest friend to me for the last six years.

His gayness was never a problem between us. Actually, I kind of envied Skye and Andrew that they lived out their sexuality without having problems at all about it.

I put the clothes on that he gave me and took the picture of Natalie and me away from her nightstand afterwards to avoid getting haunted by visions of her reproaching stare towards me anymore. Then I took a pair of my sunglasses and used them as a headband on my forehead for the case the emotions might break over me again that I could hide my ruddy eyes.

We were about to go downstairs when I asked Skye if he knows anything about Zac and what kind of job he had, because I hoped to find out a little more about my brother's private life but Skye negated the question.

He made a coffee for me before he left, then I was alone with the burping thug on my couch.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It was about time to speak with Zachary about some things, so I worked up all the courage that I had, walked into the Living room and sat down next to him.

"Hey hey hey, not that close fucking bitch!" He barked in my direction and motioned me to shift away a bit.

I rolled my eyes unobtrusively and moved away a bit. Whatever, I would try it the diplomatic way, like I had planned. There were a few things which were swirling on my mind, of which I hoped to get answers from him.

"Blade can we talk?" I didn't know how else to begin...

He continued staring blank into the TV without looking at me.

"There is nothing to talk except business."

"What did Inspector Wright tell you yesterday?" I remembered that it kind of confused me that Inspector Whatever who was such an asshole towards me seemed so nice to my brother.

"He said you are not fucking allowed to leave the state and I should keep a close eye on you."

"What? Why did he say that?" I stared at him in disbelief but he kept a straight face.

"Seems that he thinks that you have committed a contract person to kill your bitch."

What the fuck did he say there?!?

"My wife was pregnant!" I shouted, I couldn't hold back my emotions anymore. He sat there like an emotionless, vacuous robot like from the video games he used to play when he was younger while telling me that I was a murderer?!?

"And there you have your motive." He retorted indifferently.

I swallowed.

How could he dare to say something mean like that? How the fuck could he be so indifferent? Why did no one tell me about that?

"Do you really believe that?" I asked him in disbelief, while a hard lump in my throat built up and made it almost impossible for me to speak more.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"What I believe or not doesn't fucking matter. All I know is that you don't have a problem to stop at nothing for your music career."

It was sad that what he said was right. He must have came to that opinion about me after I moved out and with knowing that I still made music after our parent's death.

I didn't have the strength for another discussion.

Why didn't he let me just die in peace instead of hurting me like that?

I was too much taken aback about his cold, indifferent behaviour that I was surprised when he talked to me again. I thought he didn't want to speak to me anymore.

"We have to buy some stuff for your house to install, so you better have your credit cards ready."

I nodded silently 'cause I didn't want to experience more of his coldness.

How the fuck should this work between us?

I had no idea to be honest. Instead of getting to know anything about him, the distance between us grew even farther.

We left the house a short while later, Blade opening the car door for me. I was having a problem opening it, so he came to my side, and opened it with hardly any effort at all. "Has a tendency to stick." He said.

"I see." I mumbled before I climbing into the passenger seat of his black Lamborghini, a typical pimp car, our mother would have said. Both of us didn't talk a single word as we drove to the DIY market. Even as we had reached our destination the cold iceberg of silence didn't break.  
Blade shoved the cart through the aisles of the market, took some things here and there and tossed them indifferently into the cart without looking on prices.

The first thing he took was a well-resourced toolbox, better than the one that I had at home. Apparently, Zac still knew that I never was really a technical person. Back then, I had rather spent my teenage days with reading books, decorating and furnishing rooms besides my main passion for the music. Zachary on the other hand had built up a whole tree house in the garden with our father together at the age of fifteen already...

Emotionless he threw some monitoring camera's and new doorlocks in the cart. After that, I suddenly found myself in the computer department with him and our cart filled with an X-Box console and a random selection of different X-Box games.

"Err, do you really need all of that?" I asked, a little confused about what he was doing.

Obviously he still didn't grow out of his video games obsession. We had sometimes played together when we were younger, but it was doubtable that he was still interested in playing video games with me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"No talking, Blondie, stop asking questions and look pretty like you think you are. Let me handle my fucking business and shut the fuck up." He tossed some more video games in the cart, pushed against it and walked past me.

What a fucking respectless dick he was! He didn't even work one whole day for me and was already pushing me to the edge. I was thinking about how many ass kicks he had deserved from our parents if they would have heard how he was talking with me. I clenched my fists and tried my best to swallow my upcoming anger.

I knew that we were in public, so I always had to expect getting photographed by the media or fans. That's why making a scene in front of him was out of question for me at this point. Furthermore, I definitely wanted to keep it a secret that my little brother protected me! I was really glad that my uncivilized brother was a stranger to the public and I wasn't planning to change that. But as much as hard to bear his indifferent, expressionless behaviour was, I knew that I had to try to fight for a reconcilation.

Underneath his cool exterior, I hoped that Zachary still had a heart somewhere deep buried in his soul...

Good thing he chose a classy DIY shop without many customers.

"You're such a dick...." Apparently, I wasn't able to stop myself from saying that anyway. He wasn't the only person who could bitch around whenever he wanted to!

"What else is new?! I already know that. Good that you dumb Blonde finally noticed it. For your info, I already killed people for less money who couldn't shut the hell up, so you should better be careful what you're saying."

He walked past me again. He began acting ridiculous. Sure, I didn't know anything about him and his current live but it was hard to imagine for me that my brother already killed people. What the hell was he talking about? I didn't understand him at all. I knew that he didn't want a conversation with me but asking questions were necessary sometimes. How else could I get to know anything more about my brother's life..?!

How the fuck could he actually be so mean at people if he really said the truth!? I never met a person like him before, that's for sure. I sighed. My questions remained unanswered again.

I wasn't sure if my younger brother was just talking bullshit or if he said the truth, but somehow my innerly intuition told me that it was better not to push him too far at this point before the situation would escalate between us. I forced myself to remind of Skye's words that he was sure that I would find a way to him, he knew that I was a peacemaker.

So instead of getting hurt even more, I followed him without asking more questions until we were finished with this shopping trip.

I paid an enormous sum for the stuff but that wasn't important to me. It meant much to me that Zachary would hopefully get a different picture of me someday and would not always see me as a ruthless person who is only focussed on making blood money.

We walked back to his black pimp car and drove back home without exchanging more insults or any other talk.

Currently, I didn't even feel a sense of being safe honestly, all I felt was just being a useless shell. And if he wouldn't change his cold behaviour, I wasn't sure how much more I could bear, before I would break down completely honestly.

The longer we drove, the more it became harder for me to hold back my tears with the icy atmosphere between us which will possibly remain forever.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I had to think about my wife and my innocent unborn child again and couldn't avoid to let out a whimper.

When we were back and he parked his car in front of my house, I tried again. I just had to. The situation was unbearable to me.

"Zac... why are you so mean to me?" I used his real name for the first name, not to disrespect him but just to let him know that I wanted to speak about us.

Before I knew what was going on, he turned to me and grabbed my neck in one tight grasp and my chin in his other hand. With one rough move, he pulled my head in front of the rear view mirror that I didn't have another choice than to look at myself and into my wet eyes through my long blond messy hair strains. I whimpered in his powerful grasp.

Shocked on his sudden outbreak of violence I tried to get out of his grasp but it was futile. I realized he was still stronger than me. Suddenly he began to yell at me like he never did before.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Do you see this Taylor? Look at you, look at your fucking fucked up face in the damn mirror and your pathetic being. THIS WAS ME NINE YEARS AGO! Don't you dare ever ask me again or you will regret it you fucking bitch! Be assured you'll be sorry if you ever call me Zac again! And now get your fucking slut butt out of my damn car, fucking Barbie!!"

With that, he gave me a hard, hate-filled push and with a derisive snort he let go of me. He got out of the car and furiously slammed the door behind him. I could see his vigor in the way he walked across the street and waited in front of the door for me with crossed arms.

I whimpered frightened by his explosion and sat there for a minute or longer in a total daze.

Quite obviously this was an appearance of his pent-up anger towards me. He probably thought I was a total wimp because I get intimidated very easily. I worry a lot and when someone yells at me or show hostility towards me I will begin to tremble because of anxiety.

I didn't know how intimidating Zachary could be when he wanted to. It was scary that I couldn't help to break into shivers. I was trembling and tears welled up into my eyes instantly. I felt so vulnerable around Zac. But not only because of his words and actions but because of guilt. Instead of being angry, I got more guilty. I shouldn't have left nine years ago.

How could I expect him to be there for me when I wasn't there for him in the same situation?

I failed as a big brother who supposed to be taking good care of him and now I expected him to do the job which I supposed to be doing?! It was only understandable that my behaviour just made him even more angry.

Growing up, Zac and I were as different as brothers could be. In my teenage years I was introvert and skinny while Zac was confident and a sugar-addicted little devil. He already outweight me in his early puberty years. I used to spend more time reading in my bedroom than playing outside, I was very shy and a dreamer.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Zac, on the other hand, was outgoing and self-confident, good looking and a natural at sports. He was wild, crazy and outgoing even among boys who were my age and older. It wasn't unusal that he was wearing the same pair of jeans for three days in a row, soaked in dried mud with a layer of wet mud on top every time he came home from his boy adventure games. We got along, but he had a talent for teasing me and always needed things at which he could riot his vehement character.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

In spite of his crazy antics, I always knew that Zachary was loyal to our family. He was like a ticking time bomb, ready to beat everyone who would dare to say something bad about one of us, as if he grew up with a protective instinct when it comes to our family.

Even though he acted like he wasn't taking no one seriously and being disrespectful towards everyone, I knew that he was serious, level-headed and self-controlled when it comes to reaching his goals.

Sometimes he was hard to read even that time when we were young. But the funny thing was that, he was adorable like that, coz he also could make you laugh so hard until you got stomachaches. With Zachary it had never been boring, he could cheer you up within seconds with his jokes and clowning around.

And I knew that people liked him for being him.

One thing he could always hold over me was that, he was stronger than me, physically and emotionally. Zac at young age, was already strong. He was always the strong one and sometimes I kind of envied him for that.

When puberty set in, I was pretty clueless about sex. Our parents raised us religiously and didn't talk with us about things like that. I became looking girlier and girlier during my teenager years and other boys began to treat me like that. While Zachary's wild, vehement character made it easy for him, me, on the other hand was introverted in those years, so I mostly stayed in my own little world and sang my own songs. Looking back, we grew up very different compared to each other, but that didn't mean we were unhappy. Because we had us and our family. Maybe because we were bound by blood, we were brothers, so there was this close connection between us that no one could break.

Sadly, that connection didn't exist anymore. Back then, we could both laugh at situations by just looking in the eyes of each other. Now, I could hardly look into his eyes. All I could see were anger and despise.

Apparently, Zac still knew how much I hated to get insulted as a girl, bitch or whatever. Zachary knew very well how many jokes I had experienced in my teenage years about my girly look and he knew that I hated it when he also treated me like those idiots. Until today he never said something mean to me like that.

But those were just the unimportant minor matters in a situation like this for me. I knew I had no right to be mad with Zachary, coz he just showed me how much pain he had to endure and I suddenly realized how painful it must have been for him.

But why was he still here even though he hated me that much? What was his secret of the favor he talked about doing for someone...? Did he sell his soul?!? If he really hates me that much, then why does he have to protect me?

I was unable to make head nor tail of his actions. With his behaviour, I could only imagine that it must have been something criminal.

I sat there like a total mess in his car and cried silently.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

After he kept me away from my suicide attempt in the morning, I thought that there might be a last ray of hope left that he cared about me, at least a little...

But with his behaviour, he just showed me all the more how wrong I was.

Now he forced me to face the reality without allowing me to escape and die. Everything that I've done wrong in the past was now being put back at me. He just showed me his own pain in my reflection in the mirror.

I wiped the tears from my cheeks away with my sleeves because I suddenly felt that I didn't have the right to cry in front of him anymore. I had to bury my feelings because I had no right to open them up to him.

He was just here to keep me away from danger. Doing his job and fulfill the favor for someone like he was talking about, nothing more.

And that was everything which was left between us.

Complete emptiness.


	18. Chapter 18

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

I stood there at the front stairs, waiting for Taylor. I felt dazed. As if I just came out a 4 hour movie I didn't understand.

Perhaps I was the King of all dicks, ruling over Dickland with my magical dick scepter, but I couldn't see any other way to show Taylor how much he hurt me that he left me alone nine years ago.

Apparently, Taylor didn't realize how much time I needed to let the past behind me. How many years I needed to not feel hurt anymore only because of his behaviour, that he ran away like a fucking coward and didn't realize how much we needed each other at that time in our lives.

I should have fucking known that it wasn't a good idea to come back to this house...

Clenching my fists, I kicked a small stone away while my ears caught attention of loud music booming out of the windows from the neighbor's house on the opposite side. I had heard the song from Linkin Park before, but I never listened to the lyrics intently until now.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface,  
Don't know what you're expecting of me  
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow

I've become so numb  
I can't feel you there  
I've become so tired,  
So much more aware  
I'm becoming this  
All I want to do,  
Is be more like me,  
And be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me?

Fucking great. An accurate description of my feelings was exactly what I needed right now to feel better.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

1-0 for my cursed fate again!

What the hell did Taylor expect? Apparently, he thought back then that I was matured enough to deal with everything alone, like I was unbreakable or something.

If he only knew how fucking wrong he was. I've never experienced how hard it could be to be alone and to feel lonely until that point in my life, how many times I've cried... Why couldn't he fucking try to understand my anger towards him?

Shouldn't it be his fucking knowledge to know that our parents wouldn't have wanted that he left me alone?!

Somehow, it felt to me as if I was the older brother when it comes to Taylor when we were young and apparently things still didn't change. Like it was the most normal thing in the world that our roles are twisted.

The situation back then at home was unbearable to me, it was the hardest time in my life, but my egoistic bitch of a brother preferred to piss off his fucking coward butt and let me deal with everything alone. He didn't even considered it as necessary to talk with me about our parents death and common grief. Instead of realizing how much we would have needed each other, he engulfed himself even more into his fucking music.

I couldn't understand how he could leave me alone with everything, even though he didn't have any problems to continue his fucking career. How the fuck could he be so selfish?

Taylor considered himself too good to share his sorrow with me back then. Apparently, nothing could stop himself from making music and his fucking obsession. Everything went so fucked up while he was away. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to start my life alone. I was a devastated young man. I just lost my parents and then all of a sudden, my only companion Taylor left me.

I've waited years for a life sign but Taylor thought that his fucking music was a better way to get over the sorrow instead of being thankful that he still had a brother who needed and would have appreciated his company back then when he chose his dream instead of mourning with his only family.

Instead that he realized how much we needed each other at that time, he preferred to continue his life in a bubble of dreams again and didn't stop at nothing for his fucking career without caring that his younger brother was left back behind.

I realized very soon that he wouldn't come back. Hard to believe he has been once the best brother and friend in the world for me. Back then, Taylor had been such a kind and caring person, he always had the biggest heart for other people.

We all have scars, we all have untold stories and different ways to handle death of close relatives but Taylor's way was so fucking incomprehensible for me. He wasn't the only person who was in sorrow!

Why didn't he never try to talk to me at least and gave the two of us a chance to be there for each other..? Until today, he still had no idea how it felt like for me, and now he wondered why I was acting that way?!?

Apparently, he wasn't even interested to get to know how the hell I would try to move on.

Instead of talking to me, he had left my sixteen year old self in the dark looking for answers. The only question I asked myself over and again was: Why?

I was longing for answers for years. That was the picture of him that was left to me for years. Taylor was my older brother, but he died for me after years of hopeless waiting as I realized how fucking selfish he was.

No one and nothing could stop Taylor when it comes to his damn music and getting famous. Somehow, I envied his dead bitch, at least she didn't need to bear his fucking egoism anymore, unlike me...

And now, he had hired me as his bodyguard which meant that he was obviously planning to continue his fucking career again, no matter if his pregnant wife got killed or not.

I just needed to show him how cruel the world could be and how cruel he was to me back then. Life is not always running away every time it gets hard.

My father had a framed picture with a quote in his office that I always liked.

We're all playing the same game, just on different levels. Having to deal with the same hell, just different devils...

Obviously, my brother still didn't live in reality coz I knew that he was searching for ways to escape again. But I wouldn't let him this time. It was high time for him to learn to come out of his fucking bubble of dreams.

I'm not a fucking coward who runs away, that's why I was still here.

That and Santiago. No other reason.

It was hard to deal with all these memories around me. Actually, I had sworn to myself to not let the fucking past affect me anymore. But obviously, it needed more energy than just a destroying fire of old belongings...

It took years for me to finally live a life, at least halfway contentedly after years of hoping and grieving.

But since I was here, my brother was trying to find a way to me.

I didn't see any other way to make him realize that there was no come back for me anymore. If Taylor would know at least for once what he had done to me, he should fucking accept that I'm not a stupid little boy who would go back to our old life as if nothing ever happened!

I could never go back anymore. I already faced the past and the death of our parents and meanwhile I'm thankfully fucking done with it!

But I also knew that I couldn't let Santiago hanging, the only person which I consider as my family,  
so unfortunately there was no other way than to do my cursed task. I'm definitely everything else but proud that Santiago and me had to kill people during our army operations but maybe there was no other way to keep Taylor at distance when I told him about it. All I could do now was to hope that this fucking job would be over as soon as possible before Taylor and I kill each other...

I sighed and walked back to my car again, opened the trunk in which I had put a carton with the items from the DIY market.

Taylor still sat there on the passenger seat, dreaming in his hallucinations. I wish I would have some coke to get in a state like that as well, but apparently I'm not that lucky.

I took the carton out of the trunk, tucked it under my arm and opened the passenger door for him.

"Get out now," I said, more calmly now.

He had his sunglasses on now, obviously, he also tried to hide his emotions behind them.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Awesome. Even nine years later we still have similarities, isn't that great?! I might puke.

He got out of the car and we walked back together to his house in silence.

Hopefully, he would have at least a ton of chocolate in the house for me to bear the rest of this stupid day!


	19. Chapter 19

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch in the Living room snuggling in a pile of soft pillows with Bandito snuggled on my lap. I read a tragic love novel to think of something else than Natalie's death. I've always had a soft spot for tragic and romantic stories, maybe because I think that romance has become so rare and underrated these days. To perfect the atmosphere I had lit up a few white candles in the house for a comforting atmosphere because I liked the warmth that they radiate. They made things seem like dreamlike.

In the meantime Zac installed the monitoring cameras and the new door locks in the house. I was so occupied with my romantic novel that I didn't even notice that he also fixed some other technical things in the house.

I tried to focus on the room on the book and where I was. You know how sometimes when you wake up you cannot figure out what is going on? That's how I felt, confused, dazed, not quite placing reality. Since my wife's death everything had become a blur.

Several times I tried to call her parents. Even though I had no idea how to explain to them what happened to their daughter, I knew that I couldn't procrastinate to call them personally. I couldn't get them on the phone though, probably they were already on the way to here. I knew that the police had already informed Nat's parents last night.

Actually, I thought Zac and me wouldn't talk anymore for the rest of the day, but after he was finished installing, he suddenly came to me, looking nervous, his forehead was sweaty.

"Do you have some candy in the house?" He asked, breathing heavily. I quickly laid my book aside.

What the hell was going on now?

"No, I don't think so." I shook my head frowning, confused about what was going on with him.

"Come on Taylor, you must have something somewhere!" He pressed, turned around and hurried into the kitchen where he began to rummage around in the kitchen cabinets as if there was no tomorrow.

Was he on drugs? What the fuck is wrong with him?

Bandito jumped down from my lap, so I stood up and we followed him.

"I have some sugar therein," I said, pointed to one of the kitchen cupboards in which I had my coffee utensils.

He hastily opened it and took a little plastic case out of it. Slowly, he began to scare me, his behaviour wasn't normal anymore!

Zac was still breathing hard, as he threw hastily the lid from the case away.

"That's not fucking real sugar Taylor, that's fucking saccharin!" He groaned, rolled his eyes which suddenly had an angry glint.

"I don't use real sugar for my coffee," I shrugged and frowned at him.

"Whatever," was all he said, tilted his head backwards, opened his big mouth and tossed the complete content into it. He smiled creepily as it went down his throat.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Was he having a sugar orgasm or something?

I didn't know what to think about his creepy, strange behaviour to be honest. Thankfully, he at least seemed to calm down after that.

"I can make something to eat for you and Bandito," I offered him. Who knows? Maybe he was just hypoglycemic...

He nodded and I thought he would go out of the kitchen as I began to take out some groceries out of the fridge, but instead, he walked closer to me and didn't move away a bit as I opened the drawer to take out the cutlery.

"Why are you standing so close to me now?!?" I raised an eyebrow at him, his sudden closeness made me feel uncomfortable.

How shall I fucking cook that way?!?

"Listen Taylor, I'm here to protect you, so stop asking questions finally!"

I didn't get him. Obviously, he didn't trust me. I wasn't planning to kill myself anymore, but how could I make him believe that? It was probably useless either way. I gave in and opened the kitchen cabinet in which my aprons were. I loved cooking and it would have been a pleasure to me to cook something for my younger brother if I wasn't in sorrow about my pregnant wife and had to expect that Blade might kill me any minute. I always felt tensed around him even though he prevented me from committing suicide. My movements probably looked probably stiff. Silently I took a red apron out of the kitchen cabinet, it was one that my wife gave me. I unfolded it with care like the soft cotton could tear apart. The apron was dainty, it did little to protect my clothes but Natalie said I look pretty in it. It was a natural instinct to treat things with care, even more now that those belongings were remnants and pieces of memory of my dead wife.

"My wife gave me that apron," I said thoughtfully and stroked tenderly over the cotton before I took the ribbons and held the apron against my waist. "Could you please make a loop on my back?" I asked him, turned around and held up the ribbons to my sides. He wordlessly took them and pulled them around my waist before making a knot instead of a loop. It was a secure knot and a little tight but I didn't complain. Silently I made lunch for him and Bandito with his awkward closeness around me.

A while later, we were sitting at the table in the living room, my brother was busy gobbling the pasta I cooked for him. Somehow, he didn't look very much different than his dog when he was eating. They even both had similar looking werewolf teeth with which they scrunched away their meals.

I still couldn't understand how his dog was so kind and well-disposed though, Blade seemed so cold and emotionless and I wondered if he was always like that.

Was it my fault that he became that person he was today?

I still wasn't able to eat anything after yesterday's events and I was glad that he didn't force me to eat something.

I decided to try to avoid conflicts as much as I could, even though I knew that Blade wasn't interested in getting to know me anymore. I just couldn't tell him to go away anyway. That wouldn't be right from me. So apparently we both had to bear our common awkward company for now.

He was almost finished scooping the lunch into his body when the doorbell rang.

"That's surely Skye!" I piped up.

He put the plate away, burped loudly and stood up.

"Stay away from the door Taylor, I'm gonna go and open it." He ordered, took the cutlery with him and walked into the bathroom next to the front door.

He came out of it again a few seconds later and opened the door.

But instead of Skye, I could hear Andrew's voice from outside and I suddenly began to feel nervously.

There seemed to be a tension between Andrew and my brother which I had experienced yesterday and I wasn't sure what might happen if they would meet again. Just because I wasn't planning to stab myself to death with a fork and a kitchen knife didn't mean my gangster brother wouldn't behave mischievously...

So I had to do something quick!

I jumped up from my seat and hurried towards the front door as well.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Hi Taylor, I'm here to pick you up. Skye just came home, he's already waiting for you." Andrew greeted me friendly like usual, at least he didn't seem to be mad today.

The peace didn't last long though...

"So you're thinking that I can't do that job alone?!" My brother angrily turned around to me as I got closer to him. Obviously, he was everything else than delighted about my evening plans without him. Fuck! I should have known that he would take it that way!

Hastily, I wrote down a note with the address of Skye's and Andrews house on a piece of paper to not lengthen the situation even more than necessary and handed the note in his free hand.

I was glad that Andrew didn't retort something, before mount Zachary would explode again.

"No, I'm just gonna spend a few hours with Skye and him this evening. I don't need you to babysit me all day long. You can pick me up there around midnight, ok?" It took me a while to unknot the knot that he made at my apron and I was getting nervous. Blade was very good at making secure knots. I didn't know what he was thinking when I took my jacket from the wardrobe, coz he didn't reply. I could only hope that he wouldn't see the evening as a proof for my mistrust. I didn't want the situation to become even more bad, so I hurriedly walked out of the door.

Maybe, I was too optimistic with my belief...

"Fine. Then piss off, that's what you can do best anyway." My brother suddenly called after us and slammed the door with a loud bang.

I stood there in a daze for a moment. It was the very first time he had mentioned something about our past, without me asking about it. For a moment, I was contemplating to go back.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

What the fuck shall I do?

"Do you want me to talk with him, Taylor?" Andrew brought me out of my thoughts as he laid his hand on my back.

He had showed me very clearly that he didn't want to get reminded of our old lives anymore...

I sighed. Trying to sound tough I said "no thanks Andrew, it wouldn't make sense. Let's go." I tried to shrug Zac's remark off me even though I knew I was running away from him. Again.

I could read in Andrew's expression that he clearly wasn't satisfied about my answer, but thankfully he accepted my decision so we walked to his car and got in.

"You don't look good Taylor, are you alright?" Andrew asked worried after he gave me a quick once over. He started the engine and steered his car out of the driveway.

"I've seen better days." I answered, absently looking back to the door, still contemplating if I did the right thing. I knew that I looked probably like a picture of misery and more pale than the white walls from my house, but who the fuck could blame me for that?!

"Tell me, how does your brother treat you? Is he always like that?"

"He is the weirdest person I've ever met, but he does his job." Was all I answered and tucked some long strands of hair behind my ears in hope to not look like a total mess anymore. I didn't want Andrew to dislike my brother even more than he already probably did, so I tried to assure him that everything was alright.

We arrived a few minutes later, Skye was already waiting for us at the front door, excitedly waving and smiling like a school girl as he saw us arriving.

He hugged me as if he didn't see me for years, Skye was always like that. I felt a little better and lighter now, without the awkward company of my brother and hoped that I could forget my worries for the next few hours. I was already hurting all day, I kept on thinking about Natalie and Alexandria the whole day, they were always in the back of my head, but I couldn't do anything to get them back. It felt like I was imprisoned in a world without them. They were taken away from me in the most cruel and unfair imaginable way...

I sighed, and then there was Blade... my long lost brother Zachary whom I left behind, who wasn't the person anymore that I had known a long time ago...

I blinked my eyes repeatedly to not begin to cry again. I needed to compose myself, I didn't want to give Skye more worries about me. And most of all, I didn't want Andrew to think that I was hurting because of what Zachary had said to me earlier.

We went outside in their garden and sat down on a few garden chairs on their porch.

Because of my busy life on tour, I had almost forgotten how amazingly beautiful the sunsets here in Pasadena were, especially at this time of the year. For me, most of the time the road feels like home.

If I wouldn't feel so scattered these days, I would surely take the time to catch the beautiful sight of the sunset on the horizon with one of my cameras...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I love the sight of a pretty sunset...

The next few hours passed by with my two best friends. Skye was busy talking about his experiences with the media from the past few hours. They had already gotten the news about my wife's death, he said that I had to expect press furore at every time from now on. Skye was talking about some comments about me and Natalie's death in the daily newspaper when suddenly my phone rang. I pulled it out of my trouser pocket and looked on the display to see who was calling, I sighed heavily. It was Pam, Natalie's Mam. I was expecting her parents call, even though at the same time, I still had no idea how to explain or how to start. With sweaty palms, I pressed the answer button.

"Hello Pam?" Usually, I would call her Mam, but to be honest, I wasn't even sure if I still had the right to call her that way. I was nervous, but the small amount of alcohol I drank gave me some courage to utter the words calmly and collectedly.

"Taylor, I just want to let you know that my husband and Matt are now on the way to California. We will arrive tomorrow afternoon in Pasadena, we will probably stay in a hotel for a week. We will come to your house probably around 4 pm to pick up Natalies clothes. All of us wanted to see her for the last time. We will have to talk with you about some arrangements after her memorial ceremony, but not via phone."

I swallowed. It sounded to me as if they had already made decisions about everything. I didn't want to cut Natalie off from my life from one day to another, but to be honest I didn't know if I had the right to deny her belongings to them. I wasn't even sure if they blamed me for their daughter's death that I didn't fulfill my part of the expected duties as her husband coz they knew how much time I spent on touring and that it wasn't unusual for Nat and me that we didn't see each other for weeks, sometimes even months over the year...

All I knew was that, it was definitely not the right time to argue with them about things like that.

Usually, I would have offered them to stay at Nat's and my home, but I couldn't ask them if they would want to sleep in a house in which their daughter got killed the other day, I could already imagine how their answer would be.

Pam's voice was filled of grief as she said, "'I still can't believe it, she's so young! She didn't deserve it!'

I searched for words as I listened to her crying, anything which might spend her a little comfort, even though I didn't even know if those words existed... as I suddenly heard her father's voice in the line, but I could still hear Pam crying in the background.

"Taylor, we need to talk about everything that happened once we arrived. We wanted to know every detail and we want that bastard to be arrested as soon as possible." The anger mixed with anguish was clearly audible in his voice. Somehow, his tone gave me a feeling that he was blaming me for what happened. I couldn't judge them for thinking that way though, coz I also blamed myself...

All I could do was to grip my phone tightly as Nats' Dad James was trying to calm Pam down. Andrew and Skye must have noticed my nervousness, Skye took my free hand and Andrew laid his arm around my back. I knew in that moment that I wasn't alone. My two best friends were here at my side. I wasn't sure if Nat's parents blamed me but I knew that Skye and Andrew didn't. They would stick by me no matter what.

Their sympathy gave me the strength to finish the phone call without losing my composure. We silenced for a while after I hang up. None of them did prompt or push me to talk, even after I got myself a new bottle of beer and drank half of it, something I appreciated more than I had words to express.

I hugged both of them once I felt calm down enough to talk. I was so grateful to have these two.

"So, her parents will arrive here tomorrow?" Skye eventually ended the silence with a look of commiseration.

"Yes, they will stay here for a week for Nat's memorial ceremony." I pathetically answered him, absently peeling off the label of the beer bottle with my nails. I felt so fucking guilty and helpless. It was hard to speak out these things already, they felt so bitter in my mouth. I needed to feel better so I drank the rest of the content.

"Is it ok, if I will arrange the matters for her memorial ceremony, Tay? I think you need to take a rest before you meet her parents. When I can arrange big concerts for you, I can also arrange this for you. If you'll let me." Skye intertwined his fingers with mine.

I thankfully agreed to him, if there was one person who was able to arrange those matters decently, it was Skye. Furthermore, the call from her parents and the upcoming meeting gave me enough headache already, I was wondering what Pam meant when she was talking about the arrangements after Natalie's memorial ceremony.

I didn't want to ruin the evening for Skye and Andrew because of my misery. I was glad that they helped me to find some relaxation. So I stood up to get myself another beer and tried to distract myself for the rest of the evening...

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Didn't you drink enough already, Tay?," Skye asked carefully with a worried expression as I once again staggered back to my chair from the icebucket in which they had stored a few beer bottles.

I knew that I drank more beer on this evening than I actually should, but it didn't seem important to me currently to be honest. I so badly needed to sooth my nerves this evening.

"Allow him to enjoy some relaxation Skye." Andrew interjected, stood up and helped me getting back to my chair.

"My wife got killed yesterday and now my little brother is my bodyguard, who wouldn't drink himself into oblivion in that situation?!" I slurred miserably before taking another long sip from the bottle.

Everything that might help me to numb my pain, at least for a while couldn't be bad...


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, we decided to include two new additional characters, which will play a small part in our story from now on as well. They will be played by
> 
> Chantal (Neve Campbell):  
> [](http://www.directupload.net)  
> and Lisa (Hayden Panettieree):  
> 

Blade: 

With Taylor leaving, we were back to Level 0. Old memories resurfaced me again and I felt like I was trapped in a time capsule.

I knew that a change like that wouldn't be good for me, especially not at this time in my life.  
I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to think. All I was longing for was to numb myself...

I tried to forget the past, but since Taylor suddenly crossed my path after long years of being away, it was impossible to put that plan into action. At first he didn't want me as his bodyguard, and now he was running away from me again. After he had abandoned his only family nine years ago, I couldn't understand why he wasn't grateful that I was still here after all. But I had reached a point at which I didn't expect anything anymore from him.

I'd never chosen to be alone, but that was the way things had turned out and I had grown used to it.

I didn't need a fake brother who's got no fucking accountability and was too afraid to face reality. I was used to stand on my own.

But the fact that my only trustworthy friend Santiago imposed an obligation to me to make up for the guilt I caused on him made it beyond all questions to break my promise.

It was probably not hard to guess that I was really glad having a break of seeing my brother's face for several hours. And for sure I knew better than to torture myself with thoughts about him!  
Being alone felt so much better than in his company.

So instead of feeling shitty the whole damn day, I preferred to focus on the better side of life.

If Taylor could fucking leave just like that, well, I also had a life of my own. I have a fucking business to run. Literally 'fucking' business. I smirked. There were some matters which needed to get arranged before I had to come back to this bad movie...

So, while I compiled my plan, I went out with Bandito round the block at first before I would piss my own ass off for a while as well.

After the walk, I brought my dog back in the house and barked a few commands to him to watch over the house during my absence before I left. He didn't like to be alone in a strange area, but I needed to get out of here for a while before I would crack up completely.

I was finished preparing the house with new installed cameras. From now on, it remained to be seen if that that fucking Twinky Winky moron was smart enough to stay unrecognized if he would dare to come back...

I would do everything to catch him that this fucking bodyguard nightmare would be over as soon as possible. That Santiago would be satisfied, I could leave Taylor and go back to my own life.

That was my only incentive.

So I sat myself in my car shortly afterwards and started the flux capacitor which would bring me back to the real present.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The more far away I got from Pasadena, the lighter I felt. My first destination was the location of my other working place.

It felt weird that living in a different world made me even miss this dirty, rat-infested district of Los Angeles downtown with it's small time crooks, prostitutes and Johns who were driving around like vultures in Hunger for the meat of women, always in search for their next prey.

It didn't take long until I reached the familiar area of the red light district with it's sex shops, night clubs, bars and brothels. This town is called "City of Angels" but all I see is criminality and victims.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The girls in the windows illuminated in red displayed like mannequins. Many of them were still very young, upward trend. They looked like as if they were showing off purses to be sold. But what are they selling? They are selling their bodies, their dreams, their desires, their worth and their dignity. And for what? For looks of hunger and greed coming from clients who just want that meat. I growled.

Every fucking working day of their lives, they had to serve their customers diligently, despite hunger, discomfort and pain. Had to relinquish power over their own bodies to give over to their paying customers.

Never had days offs, coz every moment is a working one in the red light district.

I pushed a clout of my fist on the turn off button. I fucking knew where I was by myself! It didn't need a fucking CBS Local news radio station to inform me about it.

Back at where I actually belonged, I parked my Lamborghini in my usual parking lot, opened the door of my car, then paid a stupid mother fucking parking fee and walked my independent straight ass into my brothel.

Even though I had spent less than 24 hours with my damn world famous brother, it already felt like an eternity. I would rather have to deal with some perverted johns and fuck their brains out instead of having to see the angelic false front of my brother ever again I thought to myself as I walked my ass to the elevator which would bring me down to the better working place of mine.

Now, it was hoes before bros!

Like usual, I made my round through the hallway to check if the monitoring cameras were intact at first. Then I went into the storeroom to find some proper tools and a plank to refit the window that I smashed to smithers with my old phone yesterday. Provisionally, I hammered the plank over the window frame. That would have to do it for now.

This part of the town never provided a safe home either way.

When I was finished, I headed to the reception room where my blonde receptionist bitch was filing her fingernails behind the counter.

She jumped up from the seat as she saw me coming in, letting her file dropping down.

"Hello Sir," she faked her typical innocent smile in my direction with which she also always greeted our johns. She had that schoolgirl effect on people which worked with most of those perverts, except the demanding costumers with special wishes... or those ones who preferred someone with a brain.

"Lisa, no new customers for the next half hour, I have to talk with all of you girls in my office." I imposed as I walked into the room, reached over the counter and grabbed the weekly record. Without deigning her a second look, I began to juggle some upcoming appointments around and cancelled all of my own upcoming appointments in it.

"But Sir, some of the girls are serving customers right now." Her tone was confused as she looked up to me and she looked a little insecure. Apparently, she was still intimidated because of my bad mood yesterday. So I had to teach her again, which wasn't new.

"I said no costumers for the next half hour, go and tell the girls to get finished, dressed and to come in my office in the next fucking ten minutes. Got it?!"

I looked up from the record, raised my hand, pulled my sunglasses down a little bit and gave her a serious look. She knew very well what that look meant. I never wasted my time with long speeches.

"NOW!" I spat.

She cringed at my shout, nodded and hurried away without asking more dumb questions. At least I hadn't lost my effect.

Mindlessly, I rubbed the back of my hand over my itching nose as I made my way through the hallway to my office with the weekly record in my other hand.

I unlocked the door and walked over to my boss desk where I sat myself down on the comfortable executive chair behind it and continued scribbling in the weekly record, arranging the appointments until my working bitches entered my office after a short while, one after another. Wordlessly, I motioned them to sit down on the couch on the opposite side until I was finished with the paperwork.

When all twelve of them were there, I stood up, put my shades down on the table and threw the record folder beside them. I then walked around the table, positioned myself in front of it and crossed my arms.

So here I was to pronounce the sentence of my guilt and fate. To tell myself and them even more clear that my life would change from now on.

All hopes and wishes to escape were futile. That's what the last two days had showed me in which I attacked against my fate in vain over and over again.

They sat there looking up to me like night owls with expectantly looks as if it would begin to rain money any moment. I frowned. That's why they were here. Earning money. Some with immoral reasons, some with money-grubbing, some of them didn't see any other choice.

Chantal was an exemption. In contrast to Lisa, she didn't sell her body to buy the latest trendy in-crowd shits. She only worked in this business to afford going to college, to pay her college tuition. I had a preference for her, I knew that she was different than my other sluts.

Actually I didn't want to hire her first, 'cause she was too intelligent for this type of job and I knew that too much cleverness might open a can of worms anytime.

But I knew and saw her determination. I knew that she would end up to the next brothel where the next pimp would receive her with open arms and put on a mesh to wrap her around his dishonest little finger, until he would win her trust and in the end would just exploit and utilize her without leaving her any wage at all at the end of the month. So I let her convince me to take her under my wings. So far, she didn't give me a reason to regret the decision.

"I have to change a few things from now on Babes, which you all have to know," I began. "First of all, from now on I will not serve johns anymore, coz I will probably not be able to check this place daily in the next days or weeks. So no new appointsments for me any time soon!"

A murmur went through my audience, but I didn't brought the energy up to react to it and continued talking.

"Second, we will change our opening hours. I want you Babes to close the hotel not later than midnight, got it?" I looked to each one of them, making sure that I had their attention before I continued. "Third, Lisa you will not work alone in the reception area anymore. Chantal will help you from now on! She can count better anyway."

Now they spoke all at once.

"But Sir, that will diminish our income very much if we close three hours earlier. The night hours are the most productive's! What if something dangerous happens? We need your protection. How shall we defend ourselves without you?"

The only way was to outvoice them quickly, before their edge of hysteria would get out of control.

"If anyone here in the room disagrees with the news, there is the fucking door! I'm not gonna stop anyone!"

I shouted, raised my arm and pointed towards the open door to show them that I wasn't bluffing.

That worked every damn time. They all fucking knew that a life on the streets would be even worse for them than to stay, comply and carry out my instructions. They were still pertubed by the announcement but none of them raised her ass and left.

Fucking money whores...!

I turned around and went to the side wall of the room where I had a safe hidden behind a picture frame. I shoved the frame aside and opened it through the combination lock with some simple quick finger movements after making sure they couldn't read the combination from their distance.

Beside a few bankrolls of Dollar notes, I had a Glock handgun in it which was a present from Santiago for the achievement of this fucking job last year.

How fucking ironic, huh?!

I grabbed the gun out of the safe with a sly grin and closed it well before I went back to the place where I stood before.

The girls cringed and stared at me wide-eyed and frightened as I raised the gun up in their direction.  
For a moment I was pondering. Perhaps, it wasn't even the worst decision to put an end to all of this and kill us all...

I knew that I was already cursed.

Maybe God would even provide a better life for our lost souls....


	21. Chapter 21

Blade:

"I know what that is. It's a sex toy!" Lisa suddenly giggled and brought everyone out of their tenseness with her stupidity.

"Wise words. For Mary Poppins here at least." I answered sarcastically which made her smile as if she just received her first A+ grade in school.

I turned my attention away from her and towards the rest of my half-way thinking audience.

"I'm gonna leave this handgun here for your safety. It is only for emergency cases, understood?! From now on, you will keep it under the counter in the reception room and IF something serious with any clients happens, you girls will not hesitate to use it, give me a call and if it's possible I'll come asap. My new cell phone number is here in the record."

I made a short pause before I ended "Alright. That's all for now."

None of them was delighted about my sparse speech but it comprised all informations they needed to know. I knew that the imagination to use a gun scared the hell out of them, but there was no other way for now.

I didn't fucking chose this fucked up situation!

My brothel without my daily attendance could only go to hell in a handbasket. They probably sensed it already, just like I did.

But since when was fucking life fair?

Two of the girls had began to cry and were hugging each other. The others sat there with signs of uncertainity marked in their worried expressions. Only Lisa didn't seem to be aware of the news and was more interested in twisting her locks, instead of realizing what the change meant for all of them.

However. That emotional bullshit was something I just didn't know how to deal with.

"All right. Then. Go'n git!" My last sentence to them was calm and maybe even filled with a some sadness in my tone.

I went back behind my desk, sat down again and put my shades on. The girls knew that any discussion would be futile, so they quietly left the room like a congregation of mourners, with the only difference that they were grieving about their upcoming loss of money.

Chantal was the last one. She stayed in the room, closed the door after the others were gone and turned around to me.

"Sir?" She asked carefully. "Did anything serious happen? You seem so stressed since yesterday."

Her pretty brown doe eyes gave me a questioning look as she came over to me.

"I have another job which I can't refuse. That's all you need to know." I declared shortly and looked down at the record again to scribble a retarted looking stick man.

They wouldn't stop asking questions anyway, so actually it made no difference to inform them about my new job earlier or later. Slowly, she moved toward me like a cat as she bent down a bit as she reached me and stroked a strand of my long hair behind my ear. Her risqué neckline was within one's reach.

"I hope it's not better than this job, Sir?" Her warm breath tickled in my ear.

Fuck! That bitch got me again.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I let the pen dropping down on the table as she drew closer to me, her movements so smooth like a gazelle. Even though all of her overtures wouldn't work to grill me about getting more information, I couldn't resist to pull her on my lap, Chantal managed once again to arouse the animal in me...

Eagerly, I began to stroke her tits through her deeply plunging blouse.

Maybe, a short Quickie before I had to leave would help me to cheer me up a bit...

She moaned and tilted her pretty head backwards, her dark brown hair was stroking over my bladebone. Impatiently, I pushed her down from my lap and hurriedly opened the zipper of my jeans.

"Get going bitch, I don't have all night." I looked down at her and grabbed a bunch of her dark hair.

At least she apparently had learned from yesterday; this time she immediately kneeled down between my legs, eagerly watching my crotch.

How could any other fucking job be better than this? Fuck! I must catch that Twinky Winky as soon as possible...

Sadly, I wasn't supposed to get some fun this time though; the quick foreplay suddenly got interrupted as she jumped back a bit when a few drops of blood had covered her hands.

What the fuck?

It was my own blood. Where the fuck did it come from?

"Sir, is everything alright?" She looked up to me, with a worried frown. "Your nose is bleeding."

"No shit..." was all I could utter.

She quickly stood up, hurried towards the adjacent bathroom and came back with a few tissues in her hands. At the same moment I noticed that even my shirt was already soaked with my blood. She was about to wipe away the blood from my face, but I quickly whipped the tissues out of her hands and did it by myself before she had a chance to do it.

"Can I do anything else for you?" She asked shyly, just stood there, looking down on me and gave me some pitiful glances. That pissed me off again, I didn't fucking need anyone's sympathy no matter how fucking shitty I looked right now!

"Yes. Leave me alone!" I commanded in annoyance and motioned her to walk away. She sighed offended and buttoned up her blouse on the way out of my office.

"Don't forget the fucking gun and the record!" I reminded her, sniffing the blood up my nose. She turned around, took the stuff and then hurried out of the room.

I sighed and closed the zipper of my jeans. My erection died at the moment I saw my blood dropping down on her.

What the fuck was happening to me? Was I getting insane already?

I had to get out of here asap. Obviously, I was so turned off by my new life with my fucking brother already that my body didn't even grant myself some relaxation anymore.

Not even fucking sex worked. Since I worked for my brother was my life full of bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit...

I threw the tissues away and left my brothel shortly afterwards. A cloud of depression overtook my senses, wherever I went... and it never left me.

I was cruising through the streets of Los Angeles again, thinking about what I just had done to Chantal and the other girls and what the sudden change of my life would mean for me. Sure, my life had been a daily routine, but actually I had lived contented in it.

The return to my brother and my past did nothing more than reopen old sores, but no matter how much I suffered, I had to go through it and make up for the guilt I caused on Santiago...

Resigned, I turned the radio on to drown out the loud voice in my head.

In an unforgiving way  
He took twenty years away  
What was he thinking of that day?  
Didn't live to see just how you were today

Goodbye  
Surprise... He stole your pride  
There's so much for you up here  
Where the air is blue and clear  
And the city down below is full of fear

Thought I knew you as a child  
But you kept it all inside  
And you hid it all so well  
Didn't notice you were living in a hell...

It seemed that I could find a piece of Taylor and me in almost every song that I heard...

A while later I arrived at my shabby apartment around 8 pm. I still had a few hours left before I had to drive back to hell. Even though Santiago wasn't in the mood to cheer me up this morning, somehow I needed the company of a friend. I didn't want to show him how much I was suffering in this fucking job already while I walked into his bar with a red, bloody soaked shirt on, so I drove home first to get changed. I fucking hated to show weakness.

Back in my quiet apartment, it felt comfortable, sadly it was only temporary. The fact that Bandito wasn't there to greet and jump around me as I opened the door only reminded me again that my life was going to change. I could only hope that my dog buddy could handle the strange area better than my messed up self. The life that I learned to live in the last few years had become my safe zone. I thought it would be like this for long. I was doing ok until that dumb white bubble bitch Skye changed everything. I would always have a bitter taste of the past because of him. It felt like torture. I was a devasted young man back then and now, it was all coming back to me. I felt caught, it felt suffocating. The loneliness, the past, what I did to Santiago and what I did to myself just to forget...

I gritted my teeth.

"Stop with that fucking pathetic bullshit Blade!" I spat to myself. It didn't change anything. I just had to catch that psycho, then I could leave immediately. I sighed and pulled the strands of my hair into a ponytail. I would do what I have to do and that's it.

As I opened my clothes cupboard and pulled another random shirt above my head, I thought about how many clothes I would have to take with me for my stay at the fucking faggot brothel house. Frowning, I looked up to my duffle bag lying on the top shelf covered in dust, then to the wardrobe where my back pack was hanging.

Back pack, no question!

I didn't even want to think about a possible longer stay with my brother than only a few days. It didn't bear contemplating. Uninterested, I grabbed a handfull of clothes out of my clothes cupboard and a few other things which I would need for the stay and stowed them listless inside in my backpack. They just would have to last out!

When I was on my way to Santiago's bar shortly afterwards, I began to feel tired. I didn't get much sleep last night and the constant asskicks from my fate had tired me. If Santiago would be in a good mood this time, maybe he would have mercy and even let me sniff a line...

I shook my head about my unreal thoughts. Of course I fucking knew that Santiago wouldn't gave in, but the longing for some cocaine made me to tell myself things, even though I already knew that they wouldn't turn out that way.

Stay fucking realistic, Blade!

Sure I could look for another dealer to get some snow, it wouldn't be difficult to find someone else in this district, but it wasn't my style to betray my best friend. I had to pull myself together and shrug the unreal hopes off me.

Even though I couldn't expect understanding from Santiago, the sight of the neon sign from his bar above the window pane always caused a feeling of familiarity in me.

And I knew that I was home.

[](http://www.directupload.net)


	22. Chapter 22

Santiago:

An unexpected face appeared in my bar this evening. The white boy with the casual clothes, the dark sunglasses and the ponytail looked different than usual. In one glance, I already knew that there was something he hid behind his typical smirk on his face when he walked towards me into my saloon on this grey Thursday. I knew him better than he could pretend to me that he was doing well.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Blade?"

Sure my greeting was gruff to him, but his sudden appearance irritated me. I didn't know Blade as a person who couldn't keep a promise. He would know that I wouldn't welcome him here in that case. Furthermore, we were both used to rough manners. Blade and me never hid behind politeness or manner or anything, we were always real, clear and direct with each other.

"Keep cool, Santa, I'm just taking a break for a few hours."

He assured me shortly and patted my arm when I didn't offer him my hand to shake it.

"And where is your brother?"

"Disappeared like a fart in the wind."

"So your job is over already?" I raised an eyebrow at him while I stubbed my cigarette out in the ashtray on the counter.

"If that would be the case, I wouldn't stand here without party balloons." He exclaimed, scratching his nose.

Apparently, he was still in the mood for his typical jokes which was a good sign at least. Even though he was obviously not comfortable. He seemed tensed. Probably stressed out about his brother. I was already used to Blade's pranks which drove me nuts regularly. So I wasn't surprised that he preferred to joke around instead of giving decent answers. But I wanted to know what happened and his bad ass attitude couldn't stop me.

"So you scared him away already, huh?"

"No, but I'm working on it." he stated with a little smirk.

"Still the same sarcastic bastard." I ascertained beyond doubt and gave him a look of reproach.

"It's the only way you'll know I'm telling the truth." He shrugged casually.

I watched him intently for a moment. Through the years of waiting for a letter or any other sign from his brother, I knew that he swallowed a lot of anger. His brother's sudden appearance must have been confusing the boy. And I could sense that there was something that upset him.

"Come on, let's sit down." I offered him and took my crutches. He agreed and we walked into my back room.

We sat down on my corner bench like usual and the first thing I noticed was the way he tilted his head. I knew that his eyes were automatically wandering down to the drawer under the table where some of my cocaine lay in a supply. So, that was it. He missed it. And it irritated the living shit out of me. 

"Don't even fucking think about it Blade!"

"Huh?" He looked up at me as if he didn't know what I meant.

"Wanna drink something?" Of course my question was a purposeful distraction from his thoughts. It wasn't difficult to guess what my younger companion was longing for. Not even his sunglasses could hide that. I wanted a change for Blade, and as early as this moment, I'd have to make things clear. I didn't want to get him any ideas. Usually I knew that I could count on my friend but he was not the only drug addict I knew. They could become unpredictable if their urge was getting too strong... 

"I sent Nathaniel out today to get some Mountain Dew for you, even though you don't deserve it." I said.

"Yeah fine." was all he sighed. He sounded frustrated. Even his favorite soda didn't cheer him up which confirmed me that my first impression was right.

I shouted for Nathaniel to bring him his drink, then I turned my attention back to him.

"Now tell me what the fuck is going on with your brother, but be serious!" I commanded, reached out my arm and took his sunglasses down from his eyes which was pissing me off already.

He sighed again, then he finally began to tell me in very few sentences about the events of the day.  
Both of us silenced for a while when he ended.

I pulled my cigarettes out of my trouser pocket and lit myself one of them up before I began with my advice of the day.

"Do you wanna know what I think?" I began.

"If it's not another smart ass preach," he retorted asap and slurped loudly and crudely at his soda mug.

That made me grin to myself a little. Blade always showed a tough and smart man in front of everyone and in a way he reminded me of myself how I've been before my accident. It was good for him that he learned to be warily, not only for our common time in the army, but also for that way of life he led.

From time to time though, the sixteen year old teenager boy Zachary came to light in him of which he luckily didn't grow out completely. I didn't mind his boyish behaviour, it was good for him that he could preserve this part of his youth which most people lose the older they get. It's traits like these which help people not to embitter.

We experienced things in the Army which weren't even describable and I always hoped for him that he would never lose that special trait of his personality. As much as he could drive me up the walls, he could always entertain me.

And that's why I never really could get mad with Peter Pan here in front of me.

Of course I was clever enough to hide my grin, if I wanted him to listen to me, I'd have to show him that I wasn't too amused of his actions. Blade could beat the hell out of me if he wanted to, although I could still give him a fair fight despite my fucking crutches. I'm by far not that helpless like I may look like.

I was thinking ahead of myself though, there was a task at hand that had to be done. So I proceeded on giving him my thoughts, he would get to know my opinion anyway, no matter if he wanted to hear it or not.

"I know that you're still hurt that he just left you, Blade. You fucking cannot deny that. If you scare your brother away, someday it will be too late for a reconciliation for both of you forever. And you ain't better than him if you treat him like a piece of shit. I hope you will fucking realize that before it's too late."

He sighed and silenced for a moment after that.

Of course I already knew about the anger, sadness and loneliness which Blade experienced at a young age. I sensed that there was more between them on which they had to work on to rectify their situation if he would let it happen at all. Fact was that, his brother needed him. And I didn't want him to scare away his only living family and make everything worse.

"Oh I'm very well aware of the damn double moral. But you know what? I think I can live with that. I don't always have to be the exception while it's okay for him to chicken out every fucking time. If I act like nothing happened and don't do anything how can he learn something new?!?

"Well, in spite of everything I see you know very well what you do. Hopefully your brother will realize that and not forget that you're his only family and that family is not an important thing. It's everything."

"I don't think so, Santa. It's too late for me and him, the recent years have changed him very much. Furthermore, I've waited long enough for him. Meanwhile I'm finally done waiting. We're nothing more than strangers. The brothers which we've been long ago don't exist anymore. Probably he thinks that I crawled somewhere out of a gutter anyway. His fucking gay glitter world is no place for me! And it's better that way for both of us. I'm finished with my old life! Except you and the little yapper buddy, there's no one in this fucking world who deserves my trust. No one! You know that I never claimed to be someone better than him, but apparently he does."

Blade's answer didn't surprise me. The past years had taken their price of him and turned him into the person he was today. Last year's incident between me and him added to that, coz I knew that it depressed him. The issue was very sensitive for both of us, that's why we never talked about it anymore. Even though I never blamed Blade for what happened, I knew that something in him broke and since then, he didn't let himself feel anything anymore. Our common years in the Army were hard for both of us and my accident and mental breakdown last year broke everything down. It changed me and him. When I didn't have another choice than to leave the Army, Blade left as well and followed me like he always did. But no matter how much he was like a son for me, I couldn't replace a father for him.

He became a drug addict shortly after that. Apparently he thought drugs would help him to forget everything...

The saloon is the only thing which was left from my own family, so I tried to keep it and continue its proceedings. But these times weren't the best for business, so there was no other option for me than to sell some drugs besides leading this bar. One day I caught Blade sniffing some coke and it turned out very soon that it was too late to stop him...

He rubbed his eyes and yawned. He looked tired already even though he was used to work until the late night hours in his brothel. Blade had never been a big talker when it comes to talking about his feelings.

"What's your brother's name?"

"Jordan Taylor."

"Oh, aren't these both girl and boy names?"

"Yeah it fits to him, Taylor has always been a femmy boy and kind of a princess with his delicate appearance."

"Girly types attracts many women and men."

"Yeah. That may be. The blushy princess needs a bodyguard in many regards. But that princess protection program doesn't make any sense anyway. He has become too conceited, spoiled and aloof to accept a bodyguard brother at his side. My instinct tells me that he just wants to keep me until he thinks he has done enough and can get rid of me again just like the coward he has always been. He's is such a pussy boy fleeing whenever there is danger or drama, or even a spider."

He said and merely shrugged, then put two straws into his crooked nostrils and drank the rest the rest of his Mountain Dew noisily through his nose.

I slammed my palm on the table, "I want you to take this job serious Blade! What if it will be different this time? Don't be so negative." He managed it once again. My warning to him a few minutes prior to stay serious seemed to be forgotten already.

"Mmmmh, so hot headed are you today?" He teased smirking, looking at me with those two red straws stuck in his nose. For some people it would have looked ridiculous, but to me it was a priceless view. Without this Clown my days wouldn't be as half as funny, that's why I liked and appreciated his entertainment.

Nevertheless, that he did not seem to take our conversation serious drove me regularly up the walls. I glared at him and contemplated for a moment if I should pistol-whip him with one of my guns before I continued.

Have I mentioned earlier I could never get mad with him? Better forget what I've said!

"Keep cool. I'm not negative. I'm honest. There's a difference between telling the truth and talking shit."

"Anyway, then why didn't Taylor send you little bastard away already if he doesn't want you to be with him, huh?!?"

"What the fuck ever... probably because he knows that I will have another reason to hate him if he'll give up on me again. Plus he needs some time to get over his guilt feelings. However, my instinct tells me it's only a question of time until he will change his mind." 

"Well, you're both old enough to clarify that shit between you. Fact is that, I want you to continue doing this job and take good care of Taylor!"

I didn't know his brother and if he would change his mind. As far as I am concerned I wouldn't and Blade knew that. I wanted a change for the circumstances of Blade's life. I knew that he had to get out of this life earlier or later if he didn't want to end up embittered like me.

He laid his elbows on the table and pulled the straws out of his nose followed by a heavy sigh.

"I promised you that I won't break my promise."

"Good. Coz I count on your loyalty soldier." I said and grabbed his shoulder for a moment.

"By the way, you look like shit."

"Save your flatteries Red. I feel like shit."

"Tired?"

"You got that right."

"How many time do you have left until you have to go?"

He pulled his phone out of his jacked and glanced down on it.

"Approximately three hours. I have to be back at midnight. Do you mind if I lay myself down here and sleep for a while before I have to drive back?"

"No I don't, you know my home is your home. I have to take care about my costumers now anyway. I'll wake you up later."

He nodded, laid himself down on the old 2 seater couch in the corner immediately, not bothering about its small size and put his leather jacket as light dimming on his face. Even though it wasn't really comfortable to sleep in a position like that it didn't take more than a minute until a snore came from his direction. 

/>

Blade and me had already slept at the most dirtiest places in the past years. The army taught us to sleep anywhere at any time and with a loaded weapon, so we weren't demanding about accommodations...

I stubbed my cigarette out in the ashtray, stood up and shut the yellow curtains before I went back to the front area.


	23. Christine - The first scar of guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 23 is partly another Flashback / Dream Chapter about Santiago (Red) and Blade's Army experiences.

Blade:

I was twenty one years old when I had to kill someone for the very first time. Red & I were sent to Afghanistan on a secret mission, he had already been on other missions before, while for me on the other hand, it was my first time.

My education helped me to be prepared for the upcoming situations of which I already knew would come sooner or later, but to experience killing someone in real life is a totally different story compared to every training I had. No training could really prepare you for that.

Violence is so terribly fast . . . the most perverted thing about the movies is the way they portray it in slow motion, allowing it to be something sensuous . . . the viewers’ lips slightly wet as the scene plays out. In real life, Violence is nothing like that. It is lightning fast, chaotic, and totally intangible.

If you couldn't deal with that, you’d be a dead meat before you could say Jack Robinson. I couldn’t be scared, I couldn’t allow myself to regret it... Besides, I didn't belong to the mercenary force anymore since I became a soldier. I was bound to the Army.

No matter how hard the upcoming tasks would be, I had to just simply forget about what I had done and move on. I had nothing to lose, which was one of the best features a soldier could have. But deep down, it felt like eating a human being. If you were thinking how gross it sounds, I was feeling the same thing, but I just had to swallow it. Coz I knew that deep down, it wouldn’t be the first and last time that I’d do it, I knew that there would be many more times to come.

It was the third week for us in Afghanistan when Red and me had arrested a guy in order to get information from him about his secret principal. But fortunately or unfortunately, he was raping a girl when we got into his condo unit. He was caught off guard so it went very easy for us to get him.

The girl's name was Christine, she had became his sex slave three days ago. She told us that she was walking on her way home when he kidnapped her. The girl looked totally harassed, her eyes were filled of fear, she was only seventeen for Christ’s sake! She had bruises all over her face and when we tried lifting her from the bed, she couldn’t even stand without a support anymore. So we had to use carrier to bring her to the medics. What the sad part was that, we learned that it wasn't even the first time the fucking culprit did that. It appeared that, he was working for someone in the human trafficking business whom we were trying hard to find.

Red and me had that human scum tied to a chair before we began with our interrogation. Showing weakness was incongruous at every time on our mission, especially in situations like that so I made sure to look calm and composed.

“You’ll fucking answer all of my questions, or else I’m going to cut your fingers one by fucking one.” Red bellowed in the face of the fucking scumbag.

He then turned his head to my direction. He didn't say anything, but his eyes were telling me, ‘I could handle it’. I stood in front of the door, attentively watching Red's actions. I crossed my arms to my chest and waited. The gang member wasn’t surprised to that though, he just sat calmly, not even bothered that he was tied tightly on the chair and was about to get tortured. Well, if he would continue struggling against us.

“You’re not getting anything from me.” He spat to Red’s face in Chinese accent. Through the small bulb in the middle of the room I could see some blood coming out from his mouth.

He received one nice blow in his stomach because of that. If he’d continue answering like that to Red, he’d end up losing all of his fingers. I had already seen a few suspects under interrogation, so I knew how the procedure would be, but it was the first time for me to lead one independently.

I knew Santiago very well. Not that I don’t trust him, but I knew that he was losing his patience, and so was I. I couldn’t blame him. All of us were lack of sleep and we were also hungry. We got food, yes, but we didn’t get time to relax and to eat at peace. So we mostly end up eating just whenever we got the chance. I also couldn’t remember the last time we took a bath. And lastly and most importantly, we ain’t got much time. We needed to gather all the information we could get as early as tonight before the big boss of this dirty slave trader gang discover what we just did to one of his center of operations.

“Tell me, where the hell your big boss is hiding?” Red tried again.

No answer.

That caused him another punch of course. I continued watching.

“Where is your son of a bitch, big fat bastard, coward shit of a boss?”

“Ri ni ge xian ren ban ban”, the guy answered defiantly instead.

A second later, I heard him shouting in pain.

“Ahhhhhh!” He stared hysterically on his thigh where Red’s knife was buried now.

"I understood what you just said. Your ancestors are more fucked up than ours for creating shameful human like you." Red didn't even blink, I knew he must be starving for food, but he never lost his concentration.

“I call the shots here, young man. Got it?”

Red twisted his wrist, inducing more pain to the bastard's thigh.

“Fuckin’ answer me!” he was still gripping the knife handle.

“I told you already, I’m not saying anything….” He answered tiredly, his voice now wasn’t proud anymore.

Red pulled the knife to his flesh then stabbed it again on his other thigh.

The scumbag screamed again in pain.

“You’re a damn fool. Me and my friend here are not here to waste time if you still didn't realize it!”

“You know what buddy, let me handle it.” I finally interjected, coz I knew it was about time to practice my own skills. Besides, we had wasted enough time already and I couldn't restrain myself anymore. So I walked over to them and pulled my own knife out of my trousers.

I gave Santiago a long glance and he knew I was ready for it. He knew that I needed my own sweet time with that human scum. Now, it was my fucking turn to scare the hell out of him!

“Fuck, Blade, I’ll go and get some food. This piece of shit only made me more hungry," was all he said to me before he pulled his knife out off the young Chinese man.

I had his trust. And I felt more confident to what I was about to do. He lightly slapped the face of the scumbag, “be a good boy, you are facing Blade, he has no mercy. Good luck.” Then he walked out.

When Red's steps were out of hearing, I could only hear the sound of the heavy breathing of the sicko who was bound hand and foot. Both of us didn’t speak for a moment. I carefully studied him. He looked scared but determined at the same time. But there was no way he could be more determined than me. Especially not when I thought about Christine...

the innocent seventeen year old girl who died on the way to the hospital just for a three day pleasure of a human scum like him.

I grabbed Red's stool and sat comfortably in front of him.

“You know what, I like using guns, but I also have a preference for sharp blades.” I gave him a glance, then I raised my knife.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna use it to hurt you.” I assured him before standing up. I went to the corner where my little collection of swords were located. I picked the two-handed one. I carefully pulled it out for a show.

“THIS is what I’m going to use.” I told him grinning.

He looked frightened. Strike one!

“Seems that you don't realize you just fucked with the wrong white boy. But let me tell you something. You get three options.”

He just stared at me, waiting, obviously intimidated. I smiled to myself. Apparently, I was on the right way. I stared at him upfront. 

“First, you’re gonna tell me the information I need, then I won’t kill you….” I paused, studying his reaction. His beaten mouth flinched, but didn't say a word. 

“Second, I won’t force you to tell me anything and I’d just cut your head off so that my dog can eat your brain.”

Still no answer. I touched the blade of my sword, watched my own reflection on it as I waited for any sign of reaction. He was concentrating as he listened, swallowing his own blood and saliva. 

“And third, I’ll torture you all night until you decide that you still want to live and see the sunrise tomorrow morning.”

I placed my sword on my lap horizontally and fixed my sunglasses. 

“Your options are bullshit!” He said pathetically. Strike two! 

I clenched my teeth. I wanted to kick his face and punch it repeatedly. Behind my calmed composure, there was a ranging anger. I never felt so violent in my 21 years of existence. My mind was trying its best to concentrate on the task at hand, but I couldn't erase the picture of a girl lying on a bed with wounds and swollen flesh and a gag in her mouth.

I closed my eyes and breathed in and breathed out. I rested my elbow on my knee and touched my chin in a relaxed manner. I needed to pretend that I was nothing but serious to get the information from him. Showing self-assurance was absolutely essential. “Yes, they are, but believe me, they are the only options you have.”

He said nothing. I stared at him for several minutes, giving him short time to think. He was breathing hard.

When I came to realize that he wouldn't say a fucking word, I knew that so much time had been already wasted. So I grabbed the handle of my sword and stood up.

“You know what, I’m tired and if I’m not getting anything from you I’d rather kill you, right the fuck now.” I positioned the edge of the sword on the side of his neck. I gave a little pressure on it, telling him that I wasn’t bluffing. He closed his eyes in resignation.

“Fuck you American! I’m not saying anything.” He whispered, as if he was just talking to himself.

“Tell me, aren’t you afraid to die? What will you get from hiding the information to us? Your boss is probably having so much fun right now while you’re about to die in my hands. Life’s not fair, isn’t it?” I pushed the blade of my sword on his neck some more, I saw it tearing a small portion of his skin.

He opened his eyes after that and subsequently I swung my sword to have more momentum.

“I’ll speak now! Please….! Please stop!!!!” He was frantic. If he wasn't tied up, he probably already jumped on his seat to let me know how desperate he was to stop me. It was hilarious to be honest. Now, that the sicko was in a reverse situation and was the one who got tortured, it turned out what a fucking pathetic coward he was. But part of the job was to hide my feelings, I composed myself and sat on the chair again.

Agitatedly, he finally gave the data I needed. As I took in all of the infos, I started thinking of how I should end this as Red entered our headquarters and headed towards us again.

"Blade, our team has found several corpses of young women in the back yard of that fucking piece of shit. So you know what you have to do with him."

I swallowed hardly audibly and my palms began to sweat. I immediately understood what he meant. Scaring someone to hell is one thing, but to kill someone is another. But there was no point of return anymore. I stood up again and brought my sword back to its place. I took my gun with silencer, turned around and went to the backside of the criminal. Slowly I raised my arm and aimed it against his occipital bone. A drop of sweat fell down from my temple as I unlocked the trigger and for a second I thought the gun would slide out of my sweaty palms. Red came closer to me, gave me a long glance and a nod.

"You are ready for it, Blade."

His whispering words echoed in my head.

I didn’t feel the need to look at the face of the bastard, I knew it was what he deserved. I ignored his please, all that I heard were the cries of the young girls that he tortured and raped. Their deaths shouldn't have been for nothing...

It was all I needed to shot. The man was dead on the spot. It didn’t make me feel good, but we couldn’t stand living in this world knowing that we let a heartless human being to keep breathing even though we had the chance to end his shameless life...

I moved my head to the side and looked up in Santiago's eyes searching for absolution. He took my scribbled written notes out of my hand and I shoved my gun back into my belt.

"I knew you’re ready for it," he said, laid his arm around my back and we walked out of the room together. He gave the notes about the secret prinicipal to Sergeant Major Riley on our way out.

“Shawn, clean up the mess inside the room.” He commanded to another team member as we walked back into the vestibule.

We sat down at a table where a few of our team mates were already eating ravenously the burgers Santiago had brought.

He immediately shoved a hamburger over to me.

"Here, you need to eat something." He commanded.

I couldn't eat anymore though. Even though everyone told me that the scumbag had received what he deserved, I didn't eat and speak for the two following days.

We had luck this time. A successful result was rare and everybody praised me and patted my back as if they wanted to congratulate me about my first commit a murder. It didn't feel right to me though, I couldn't even describe how it felt, but I knew that since that moment I wasn't the same person anymore.

The first scar of guilt had marked my soul which I would never be able to wash away anymore...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Blade, hey Blade, wake up!" 

I could still feel the metal of the gun in my sweaty palms when I opened my eyes... I needed a moment to realize where I was... Then I noticed Santiago standing next to me.

"You were talking while you’re asleep soldier, here drink this, it will help you calm down."

My eyes slowly adjusted to my surroundings and I saw that he held a glass with a weird looking content out to me.

"Yeah? Have I told you what kind of old geezer you are?" I groaned and sat up.

"No, actually you were singing chorus of praises about me," he retorted laughing and put the glass down on the table.

"What the fuck is this shit?" I frowned at him.

"Some sort of tea. It will help to calm your nerves."

"I'm not gonna drink this shit! Go away with that and tell Nathaniel to bring me something 'decent'!"

He sighed. "You should fucking drink this shit if you don't want to freak out sooner or later soldier!" He tried again louder with more intensity in his tone this time.

"Then give me some coke and I will be a good boy." I demanded unimpressed.

"Fuck no! What do you think what kind of person I am?!"

"Do you really want me to answer that question? You better have a seat in that case."

I couldn't avoid to smirk about that. Of course I knew that Santiago wouldn't give in and that it would end up with me drinking that shit but I couldn't help to drive him up the walls anyway. Teasing people had always been a part of me, regardless of whether they could deal with it or not. I've been a prankster ever since I could remember.

He stood there, obviously pissed off and I contemplated if I'd continue teasing him another round. Unfortunately, he already lost his patience.

"Fucking drink that shit now and stop being such a stubborn bastard!" He spat, then took his crutches and disappeared through the curtains.

I gave in. Probably the old bastard was right once again, surprise surprise!

A glance on the watch at the wall made me realize that it was about time to leave. Time to go back to the past, to everything where I didn't want to be. I sighed and fought awkwardly with the amount of protruding hair strands all over my face.

It seemed that my whole life was turning only around my fucking brother which pissed me off. When I drove away from Pasadena this early evening, actually I wanted to avoid to talk about Taylor to get him out of my mind for at least a few hours but I knew that Santiago would stick to his guns until I had told him about the latest happenings...

Well, at least he didn't probe too much which I appreciated. The last hours of sleep were necessary to regain a few of my nerves, even though the few hours were unfortunately elapsed much too quickly.

"Get your fucking ass up Blade, it's about time!" Santiago's voice pulled me out of my reluctantly self again.

I drank the rest of the disgusting shit he gave me and choked it down my throat. If it would help me to stay calm for the upcoming hours, it couldn't be that bad. I put the glass away, took my back pack from the floor and walked to the front area. 

"Will you come for a visit tomorrow too?" He asked when I came out of his back room.

"I don't know yet." I shrugged.

"If you don't, give me a call at least."

I nodded and watched him for a short while, talking to one of his regular costumers.

He had been my best friend since nine fucking years already. Taylor could never make up for what Santiago had done for me for those long years. I didn't want to go, but I had to. If I could choose my fate for once, I'd rather dream that fucking war nightmare over and over again instead of driving back to Taylor and the past. But this was not a dream, this was fucking reality.

And I had to face it like I always did. Maybe not only for Santiago, but also to prove myself that I am not like my older brother.

I'm a soldier and I would fight like I had learned to.

From now on my life wasn't mine anymore. I didn't know how professional Taylor's Stalker was and if he was better than me, but it became my task to take care of my brother and that's what I would do. To protect him with my own life which isn't worth a penny compared to Taylor's anyway.

If he'd die, thousands, maybe even millions of his fans would cry and not get over the fact that their famous idol of perfection died, while me on the other hand only Santiago and my dog would be left back. Which was nothing compared to my popular brother. My life was cursed either way. With Santiago's accident and my first encounter with Skye my soul was sold. I had no right to decide over my own life anymore. My life now belonged to my brother. I would die for him without hesitation if I had to. Maybe then he would finally realize what he had done to me. I wasn't afraid to die, my life was full of guilt and so was his. And if I should be the only one who should suffer through that fucking shit, then apparently it should be my fucking destiny.

With that, I gave Santiago a short nod as a farewell and made my fucking way out of his bar.


	24. Chapter 24

Blade:

It was kind of frustrating to think that I was about to meet my brother again. I’d like to try to act as if it was one of those soldier tasks that I just had to finish. And when it was done, I’d move on and forget that those bitches exist. But the fact that I had to bear their company for weeks or even worse for months made the endless war in my head almost unbearable for me. No matter what I think or do, the truth still remained that Taylor the superstar was a part of my past that unfortunately was impossible to forget at this point.

Those fucking gay chicks were really getting into my skin, I wasn’t that mean to everyone. I could be nice if I wanted to, but if I’d be around with my diva brother and his assistant faggot, I’d always be on the edge for sure. I shifted my gear and drove faster. 150 miles per hour wasn’t still enough to get me to the limit.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I sighed when I arrived at the house of the faggot police.

“Here I come faggots, better be good to me or else, I'm gonna kick both of your asses one by one.” I talked to myself as I pressed the doorbell.

I heard Skye's voice asking who's there through the intercom.

“Condom delivery!” I exclaimed exaggeratedly. If I wanted to remain sane, then I’d have to entertain myself at least.

Taylor was the one who opened the door for me. His cheeks were red, his messy long blond strands of hair covered almost half of his face.

“Oh hey there, Za- Blade I mean. Sorry about that. Hic-cup. You're late. I expected you at midnight.” Taylor slurred and looked woozily around, leaning his body against the door frame. Quite obviously he already had problems to stand straight.

"So what? The later, the better." I mockingly looked at him from head to foot, so, my famous older brother decided to get wasted instead of mourning about his dead wife. Fucking great, isn’t it?

"I was just kidding. Actually, I want to stay at my friends house a little while longer." He giggled, yes giggled before taking another sip of his cup. Could he actually find joy in his wife's death? Shit, what comes next? I was disgusted to say the least. How was it possible to take this world serious? Apparently, the famous superstar didn't even know his limits. I took it out of his hand before he even knew what was going on and threw it towards the next best shrubbery of the faggot's dooryard.

It wasn’t my style to preach, actions were always far better than talking.

So I did the first best thing which came into my mind, I circled my left arm around his torso with one swift move I spun him around and hoisted him over my shoulder before he could protest. 

Damn, was he eating at all?

I heard Skye freaking out in the background and Eagle Fly the faggot police shouting ‘hey ghetto boy’, but I didn’t let go of him. I turned my back to them as I carried Taylor to my car, he was shouting, pounding my back and kicking helplessly like a naughty infant. but I didn’t let him bother me. He stayed swung over my shoulder. If you ask me, it was high time that someone forced strict discipline in faggot land!

Skye followed me and bubbled his lungs out. 

Oh shit, was it too late to run back to real life?

“Hey Blade, where are you taking him!? Don’t you want to come in first and at least have a few drinks with us? You guys don't need to leave asap.”

Great, just what I needed to deal with on this oh so perfect day, Tweedledee, Tweedledumb, and Tweedledumber. I didn’t want to be friends. I didn’t even want to be acquaintances. Let's scram. 

“Put me down! What the fuck is wrong with you?” Taylor kept on trying to release himself from my grasp. He was obviously not happy that his gay friends were here to witness the goings on. Too bad I thought to myself, not my problem.

"It's late enough for you Cinderella! Time to go home." I proclaimed, ignoring the bugging pansy behind me and the screaming fairy faggot on my shoulder.

"I won't tolerate such a treatment! The insolence of it!" Taylor exclaimed hysterically, his upset voice high and nearly feminine, his legs struggling frantically in the air like a disobedient little girl. Right. Now was I the bad boy for ending the rich diva's funeral celebration. How easy to treat someone as a buzzkill when you don't need to overtake responsibility for anything 'cause there are enough people who would kill just to wipe your ass. That princess has been pampered, sheltered and spoiled his whole life to the extent that he has no friggin idea about the real world. It was about time that someone popped his fucking dream world bubble! Where did he grow up, in a pink cotton ball?

Obviously was Taylor's girly hysterics his way to show me where my position was in the general view and where his was. I snorted. As if I could forget that. I didn't need to be drunk to see the reality.

As he suddenly tried to kick me I slapped his permanently sticked out butt with a firm slap on his skin-tight white jeans and he let out a surprised wail of pain. He was such a crybaby. "Enough already!" This special fairy princess clearly needed a strong hand to get raised! I opened the front seat door of my car and placed Cinderella properly in his place on the passenger seat and put his seat belt on before I shut the door next to him.

Skye was still standing there, apparently waiting for an explanation as I walked to the other side to get in.

“So, what happened to his bitch? Did you homos already cremate her that’s why you’re celebrating?”

He was obviously caught off guard to that. For a while he just stood there in his shiny light blue suit that was smooth like an iron board, apparently searching for a well-spoken answer.

"Oh no Blade..." He stuttered but I cut him off.

"Let's get something straight right away sissy, when I ask you a question I expect an immediate respectful reply, got it? And in the future you can address as Mr. Caziano." 

"Yes but why do I have to call you Mr. Caziano? And please Blade, um I mean Mr. Caziano, please stop calling me sissy, I hate that name." He sputtered cautiously and nervously.

Evidently, I had to clarify some more things here, coz the effeminate queer was hard of understanding. Standing in my dominant position, I planted myself in front of him threateningly, grabbed his collar and forced his eyes to meet. With all seriousness I replied "Listen up sissy, you'll call me Mr. Caziano from now on or else every time you don't, you're going to find yourself in a fight with me, and I DON'T care where were at or who's present. I think you're now smart enough to know the results, secondly, I'll call you whatever I feel like. And since you're so fond of the name sissy, that's all I'm going to call you from now on and believe me, you better respond to me when I call you sissy like it was given your name," with his neck in my vice like grip my nose touching his as he was so close to my face, my gloating eyes staring into his fearful and humiliated eyes, his neatly combed hair was now hanging annoyingly in his face. "Any problems so far, sissy boy?"

Completely defeated, Skye degraded himself. "Sure Mr. Caziano, whatever you say."

"Whatever I say. That's right sissy. You better remember it. And now you're going to answer my fucking question and stop wasting my time."

"It's not what it looks like, Mr. Caziano. We’re not celebrating!" He finally found his tongue again as I let go of him. He sounded guilty, though, whatta fucking white trash scum.

“Well of course not, I could see that. Listen, I don’t give a shit if this bitch of my brother wanted to celebrate about the death of his wife. But just to remind you, I am his bodyguard and I told you the rules before I started. I’d do whatever I want to protect him. Coz that’s my fucking job. Now, go inside and fuck your boyfriend.”

I left him with his mouth hanging open. Good, it’s great to know that his cocksucking mouth could shut up sometimes. With that, I got in the car, slammed the door behind myself and got into the driver seat beside my brotherly princess.

"Why did that take so long?"

"That sissy loverboy needed a lesson." I huffed and started the engine.

Taylor was silent at the beginning of the drive and I thought he’d remain silent the whole damn time.

I was about to thank the devil for the silence when he suddenly turned to me, his cheeks still red like the fucking morning sun.

“Are you really my bodyguard? I still can’t believe it.” He suddenly stuttered out and looked at me like I was a strange hallucination.

Great. And there was it again, my older brother's big fat ego instead of appreciating that I was even here.

“Fucking thanks to your Loverboy for using my friend Santiago to help you.”

He became silent for few minutes, watching me as I drove.

“You know what? You don’t look like a bodyguard to me…”

Where are we now? The hour of truth?!?

I stopped the car a little far away to his house, coz I suddenly saw some members of the press waiting outside. Shit!

“What the hell do you expect, Taylor?”

Fantastic. While I was trying to find a way to get passed through the media, my superstar brother suddenly decided being honest. I sighed.

“Maybe a tough guy?”

Brilliant. Now he didn't even take me fucking seriously. First he chased his Loverboy around to get someone to protect him, then he didn't want me as his bodyguard. Then he changed his mind and now he suddenly realized that he couldn't deal with his fucking ego that his younger brother was protecting him?!? 

Couldn't he shit that out of him earlier?!?

Apparently, he needed some drinks first before he could be honest to himself. What a fucking hypocrite.

I didn't get him, but right now wasn't the right time to discuss with his pompous ego, coz the mighty concourse of high society snobs already lined up in their sights.

“That’s just my disguise,” was all I said, I didn't need to deal with this stupid ego shit, coz I'm not like him.

Apparently, my brother saw me as a weakling immature.

If he was thinking that I wasn't able to protect him, then what the fucking fuck was I doing here at all???

I turned on the ignition again and drove in full speed. I swerved to the side and stopped directly in front of his house, not caring that the fucking bitch beside me almost hit her head on the window and let out a very girly shriek before I brought the car to a safe standstill.

“Don’t go out of the car first.” I commanded before I went out of it.

All people ran hastily towards us the moment they saw me getting out. Within seconds we were surrounded by hundreds of camera flashlights. Celebrity Reporters, fans and other noisy high society snobs hurried closer to my Lamborghini, trying desperately to get a sight of who would emerge from my car next.

I opened the door for Taylor, but he sat there like a lifeless doll. Apparently, the big diva needed an extra invitation for her appearance once again.

"Get out now!" I commanded, he took his time on getting out, and I almost wanted to roll my eyes.

The media went wild, they pushed us towards my car again, so I used my arms to cover Taylor  
as they began to mob us.

“Taylor, I’m sorry about your wife, do you already know the suspect?”

“Taylor is it true that a certain fan named Twink Twink killed your wife?”

Stupid questions. “Taylor’s not yet ready to speak right now, give him some time to grieve!”

I pulled his arm around my back that he wouldn't fall and walked fast and firmly. In spite of the media still following us, they weren’t able to do anything the moment I slammed the door into their dumbass, white shit faces.

Taylor seemed dazed when I looked at him. His blue eyes were just staring creepily at me. What the fuck have I done wrong again?!?

"You can't treat me like a fucking barbie doll Blade!" He suddenly shouted angrily.

What the fucking fuck!!!

Didn't he even realize what just happened?! Apparently, my bitch of a brother only recognized what he wanted. The fact that I just brought him safely through that fucking crowd of stupid high society snobs was of course unmentioned again.

"Why the fuck do you want me here, huh? Can you finally decide what you want, fucking bitch?!? If you can't deal with the way I'm protecting you, then just say it, Taylor. Coz I think you should finally shit that out of you!"

He looked hurt after that but that wasn't my fucking problem. Why couldn't he finally say what he fucking wanted?!?

"I'm just saying you can't carry me around without minding me at all. Do you even know how much I feel embarrassed because of that?"

"What the fuck is your problem Taylor? That I'm stronger than you? Can't your fucking big ego deal with that?!?"

"I just... I just..." he suddenly began to blush and to stutter.

"I just wanted to say that it wasn't necessary that you carried me to your car, I'm able to walk by myself." He slurred and hiccupped again, his eyes weirdly looking around the room and he struggled to focus them at one point.

"That's what I've seen. You're just annoyed that you weren't able to walk inside as graceful as the squeamish princess you are." I snorted sarcastically and tapped my forehead at him. "You apparently still didn't have drink enough beer to celebrate the death of your bitch. Why don't you make a dance party on her grave next time?!?"

"You are such a fucking bastard! Stop talking about me and my wife like that or I swear you won't see tomorrow!"

"What do you wanna do Taylor? Beat me down? Come on! Then you can finally leave one more behind you and go back to your fucking hypocritical fairy tale life. So what the fucking hell are you waiting for; GIRLIE!?!"

I knew that I challenged him, but he asked for it. Not even Nathaniel's tea mix could calm me down anymore... 

As by a miracle, he suddenly had the energy to run towards me and gave me a hard push on my side.

"You have no fucking right to talk to me like that, you ruthless jerk!" He yelled at me and I knew that he was trying to intimidate me. But he could never intimidate me. Not in this life and not with that face. 

It didn't need more than a second until I had head locked him, apparently my drunk bitch brother decided to play this night.

"You think so?! Just because you're a big brother you think it makes you superior to me. What a fucking joke, huh fairy boy?" I made myself clear as I straightened myself. Taylor was securely held in a stranglehold and going no where until I allowed it, and I didn't even need both hands.

"For your info; I'm not the fucking coward who left his little brother at home." I shouted while Little Red Riding Hood tried desperately out of my grasp again.

As it was the hour of truth anyway, he should get to know the reason of my anger as well, coz the dumb blonde obviously still didn't realize it by himself.

"I didn't have another choice." Taylor gasped and pleaded in a frightened voice as I reinforced my grasp.

"WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!!!!" I yelled the aggression out of me. What the fuck had I tell you about my brother suppressing reality?!

With that, I let go of his pathetic being. He fell down on his knees was grabbing his throat, gasping and coughing for air dramatically.

I went through the hallway towards the Living room. I was about to plop myself down on the couch and turn my X-Box on when I suddenly realized that something was wrong. Not with Taylor but my instinct suddenly alarmed me.

Where the fuck was Bandito???


	25. Chapter 25

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Taylor:

Shocked about what Zachary just did, I realized that I just didn't have the strength to reach my brother. He wrestled me to the ground and I couldn't free myself. It was as if he died in Blade's body. When he let go off me, for a short moment everything turned black in front of my eyes and I wondered... is this the color of Loneliness?

I lost my voice, I lost my hope, I lost myself. 

I couldn't understand why Zac had to lift me like a doll in front of my friends without even thinking how embarrassing it was for me. He was so much stronger than me, I felt like a girl beside him, perhaps, in retrospect, too much like a girl. The humilation was mortifying when he slapped my ass on top of that. It was the only thing I could think of during our drive home... I never felt so fragile before. 

I knew now how right Skye was when he told me how badly I needed a security guard, coz I wasn't aware how defenseless I could be until today... 

Usually I had a good grip of myself and always kept track of my alcohol consumption. I very rarely lose control over myself and get carried away, but I didn't need to deal with the death of a brutally murdered pregnant wife before. Zachary's disrespect towards me and his mean words about me and my family were just too much for me.

Even though Natalie and me had became estranged in our relationship, I've always been optimistic that we would find a way to come together again... together with our daughter Hope Alexandria...

Since the day they faded out of my life, it became void of joy and hope. I was placed in sadness, darkness and fear. Trapped in a place called despair.

I felt that I was falling into a deep hole of emptiness without any escape. My heart was a wreck and I had no idea how I could find back to a regular life. I sensed that Blade wanted me to go through the same pain he went through and that's exactly what was happening.

I was in deep pain but he kept on hurting me. His anger towards me confirmed me that he still saw me as the ruthless person who killed our parents and left him alone on top of that. I didn't know how I could ever make up to him. No matter what I tried, he kept on pushing me away and gave us no chance. 

I wanted to solve the conflict with him. I still do. But I just couldn't find a way to reach him. Instead, I only received more aggression from my only family and I didn't know what to do anymore. He was too far away and too many years were passed between us, nowadays we couldn't even trust each other anymore.

I wasn't surprised that he had no understanding for me when I mentioned how embarrassing it was that he worked for me as my Bodyguard. I didn't expect his understanding, coz honestly, I wasn't even sure if it was right that I actually agreed to hire him...

He wanted to get to know the reason why I wanted him here, but in the meantime I had reached a point at which I wasn't even sure anymore if there were any plausible reasons left...

I didn't want Blade to feel like he was caught in a cage when he was with me, but apparently that was how he felt. Yes, he was able to protect me from the media, but he lost no opportunity to show me that I wasn't a part of his family anymore. I could sense how much he hated it to be around me...

When I looked at him, I couldn't help thinking and looking back to the old memories we had and wishing I could change the past. I knew that I was still trying to see my brother in Blade, I didn't want to give up on him, but no matter how much I wished for, I couldn't bring back the happy teenager he had been once.

It was hard for me to realize that my younger brother wasn't that teenager anymore. Over the years in which I had lost track of him he was grown up and became an independent adult who didn't need me anymore.

But still, I wondered what happened to my brother's soul, and turned him into this cold, emotionless person which scared me so much...

I didn't know how to talk to him, I didn't want to give up on him but I didn't know what to do anymore than to despair. In fear of saying too much, in fear of saying too little, the helplessness didn't let go off me. It felt like a hard wall I was running against over and over again and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't mess with his strength nor with his coldness. With the fight we just had, I only realized all the more that the last decade had nothing left between us except strangeness. 

Somehow, Zachary slowly faded away from me like the rest of my family...

I needed two attempts until I finally had struggled myself up to my feet. I stumbled woozily through the hallway towards the Living room. All I was longing for was to climb the arduous stairs up and crawl into my bed. Turn off the hurting reality for the rest of the night until the first relentless rays of dawn from the next day would wake up my lonely shell again....

But I didn't come that far. When I had reached the doorframe to the Living room, I felt a little giddy and needed a short break, so my hands reached out for the sides of the door frame for balance. In my current state I was a drunk mess, coz I needed to find anything which could help me to escape from my sorrow, to alleviate the pain... at least for a while.

When I had trooped myself, I raised my head and looked around what Zachary was doing and saw that he was busy bustling through the room. He shouted for Bandito who apparently didn't hear us yet. It was the first time I experienced my brother in a stressed condition. With his indifferent "I don't give a shit about anything" attitude, I wasn't even sure if there's anything in this world that could bring him out of his unflappable behaviour.

Actually, I didn't plan to talk to him again after our wrangling over, but to experience him suddenly upset and the fact that Bandito wasn't there made me unsure. To be honest, I was afraid to ask him what was going on, coz after the fight we just had, I didn't want to strain his nerves even more and he was obviously tensed already. But I also wanted to know where his dog was who had nothing to do with our brannigan.

I stood there silently for a while watching him, my hands steadied myself against the doorframe for balance, contemplating about what I should do.

When I had finally worked up my courage and decided to ask him what was going on, he suddenly turned around, ran towards me and grabbed me at my arm tightly before I could say anything.

What the hell...? Was our rangling over not enough violence for today? Was he going to push me down again?

With his new sudden outburst of roughness, memories swirled through my mind and I couldn't help to remember about what Skye told me that there had been a brawl in which Zac was involved when he got mugged. Based on what Skye said, my brother meddled into a street fight without asking... even though he didn't give a shit about Skye... It made no sense for me.

Did he just like to bandy and be violent?!?

All these unsolved mysteries gave me headaches. Added to this, the alcohol and not eating the whole day had weakened my legs that I had problems to keep my balance without the safe doorframe around me.

"Stay behind me Taylor! Something happened in your house. Hold on tight and don't let go!" My brother commanded in a stern tone and looked at me with his shrewd brown eyes which tolerated no dissent. Before I knew what was going on, he had positioned himself in front of me and led me in a firm grasp behind him through the Living room.

It was weird that he said 'your' house, even though it had been our common home years ago, but the uncertainity about what he was planning to do had a higher priority at that moment for me.

"What are you doing now again? Let go off me!" I slurred and tried to pull my arm away from him, although his grasp gave me the support which I needed to stand and walk upright.

Why couldn't he just talk to me instead of acting without even asking?!?

"Shut the fuck up Taylor! There might be someone in your house." He spat harshly in my direction, then laid his index finger over his mouth to motion me to be quiet.

What did he say? How did he know?

For a moment I considered if it was just one of his bad jokes and that he wanted to play one of his stupid games... with that language of the gutter which he used, I always had to reckon that he was kidding me.

Or maybe I was too drunk that I couldn't really take him and the situation seriously. But then something unexpected happened... he suddenly pulled a gun out of his belt.

I was totally taken aback!

Did he lose his mind now completely?!? Where the hell did he get that gun from?

I felt goosebumps building up on my skin. Obviously my impressions were right that he was connected to something criminal.

And now I was alone with that thug in my house at night who hated me and had a gun on top of that.

It felt like I was trapped in a nightmare. I was drunk and tired and all I was longing for was to crawl into my bed and hopefully find some sleep to not bear my brother's coldness anymore for the rest of the night. It made me mad that he treated me so respectless, but at this moment, I was too intimidated by his violent behaviour that I didn't know what else to do, but to follow him to not experience another outburst of his anger.

When we two ill-assorted persons reached the hallway of the other side of the room, I froze in my tracks as we suddenly saw that the back door which leaded into the darkness of the garden was open. It looked creepy, the door swayed slightly to and fro caused by the night wind from outside.

It wasn't possible to see if there was someone in the garden because the sight was too dark, but I immediately knew that Zac was right that something must have happened in the house when I saw some metal remains from the door chains which he had installed earlier lying on the floor in front of the back door. 

My brother raised the gun up and unlocked the trigger with a quiet, hardly audible click. 

Seriously, in which skid row did he grew up that he walked around with a gun in his belt as if it was nothing?!? And why was Skye so reticent when I asked him about my brother...?

"The fucking Freak has brought his own equipment." He commented almost inaudibly to himself.

I couldn't listen to his words anymore though, coz I already felt the panic building up in me and my heart began to race. I wasn't even sure what scared me more, my armed and dangerous brother or the imagination of a possible burglar in the house...

Desperately, I tried to pull my arm out of his grasp again when we suddenly heard a noise coming from inside the dining room and my blood froze in an instant. I wasn't able to move for about the next ten seconds. I wished I could say that it was just a dream or a crime series, but unfortunately this was the reality and the spook didn't seem to be over.

"Zac....." I begged. In my daze and fear, I even forgot his explicit warning not to call him like that anymore, all I wanted was to get out of his tight grasp. Why did he always act like a soldier on a mission? 

"Shh!" He sharply hissed, turned around to me and put his hand over my mouth while he glared at me with his dark eyes which looked even darker now than usual in the twilit hallway.

Great. Instead of listening, my younger brother preferred to play CSI with me. He didn't let go off me and leaded me behind him towards the room where the noise came from. 

It was dark in the hallway through which we walked and I didn't even want to know what was behind the door to the room to be honest. That the dining door room was shut, which I actually kept always open only confirmed me even more that something was wrong. After the creepy letters I received and the murder of wife and unborn daughter, I surely had experienced enough cruelty for the rest of my life...

There was it again. The noise from the dining room. It sounded like someone scratched against something. It wasn't directly behind the door, all my ears could make out was that it came from somewhere inside of the room.

I tried to listen harder, but at that moment Zac suddenly let go off me and pushed me back a bit. I backed away quickly, praying he wouldn't hit me. Before I knew what was going on, he kicked in with a hard kick against the inward opening door which flew open into the dining room with a loudly bang in an instant.

I took a few seconds until I found my voice back...

"Holy Shit, are you out of your mind Blade?!? You can't destroy my property however it crosses your mind! " I shouted at him angrily. For a moment, I forgot my drunkenness and everything else, except his violent behaviour. He was insane! There was no other explanation. 

My younger brother acted like a bull in a china shop. 

As if it wasn't enough that he didn't give a shit about me or anything else, now he had to show that he didn't care about the conditions of my belongings on top of that. I wouldn't allow that he destroyed the furniture which were the last leavings from our parents.

Speechless, I looked down to the side of the damaged wood of the door.

I couldn't believe that he just broke down a door and destroyed another door locker. Furiously, I turned around to look where the damn scrapper was now.

I had enough of his immature, violent behaviour!!!


	26. Chapter 26

Taylor

I was planning to tell Blade that it didn't make any sense between us. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and didn't know how to deal with anything anymore. My life had taken a change to one of the worst nightmares I could have ever imagined and since Blade was here it was getting even more worse...

Maybe it was my desperation, the alcohol, my exhaustion... I didn't know. All I knew was that it didn't work between us. I was about to continue shouting at him, in my drunkenness I didn't even care anymore about a possible intruder, I just needed to vent out my anger.

But when I turned my attention away from the damaged door, I saw a totally different picture than I expected. My brother was squatting down in the other side of the room in front of his dog who lied in a corner on the floor and whimpering quietly.

He stroked Bandito's head and whispered a few soothing words to him. All I could see was that Bandito's leg was hurt. He seemed to have pains in his leg, but he stopped licking his wound immediately as he recognized us and wagged his tail weakly.

The sight touched my broken heart, I forgot about my anger and everything else and brought myself back to focus on what was more important, which was to care...

"What happened to him?" I asked somewhat perplexed. Sure, I was still angry about my violent brother, and my voice was upset, but my anger turned into worry about Bandito in a split of a second as I saw that he was injured. Even though I knew Blade's dog only for 24 hours, he already grown dear to my heart. He comforted me in my darkest hours of grieving without expecting something in return. I just couldn't ignore his whining.

"One of his hindlegs is hurt." He answered coldly and I began to regret my sudden emotional outburst. Absently I chewed on my lower lip like a child that said something inappropriate and walked closer to them slowly and quietly.

Protectively, he pulled off his jacket and laid it around his dog.

"How did that happen?" I managed to speak more softly this time.

"I don't know Taylor. Somebody must have hurt him. And I'm gonna find out who it was!"

Zachary's last sentence sounded angry again, so I didn't dare to ask him more questions. He carefully lifted Bandito up from the floor who gave a heart breaking yelp during the act.

"I have some dressing material in the bathroom." I said. Apparently, I was incorrigible, but I couldn't just stand there and do nothing else than watching while his poor dog was suffering. I was about to stumble out of the room to go for the dressing material but my brother stopped my intention in an instant.

"You're not gonna walk alone through this house before I checked what happened Taylor!" He commanded like a drill seargeant.

I didn't want to stay around my armed brother though, I didn't trust him, nor that I felt safe with him. It gave me shudders that something burgled into my house and if I wasn't here with my brother and his dog, I would look for the quickest way to get out of here.

He stood in the door frame, carrying his big dog now in his right arm and his gun in the other. Apparently he was still left handed, but that didn't matter at the moment.

"Then let me call the police at least, okay?" I tried again.

Actually, I didn't want to see Andrew or Skye for the rest of the night anymore after that embarrassing experience, but still, a real and trustworthy cop around me was a more safe imagination than my armed and dangerous gangster brother whose unpredictable behaviour made me feel more and more uncomfortable.

I purposely said 'police', because I could imagine Zachary wouldn't be delighted to see Andrew again. Being between them was like sitting on a powder keg. However, security was more important right now.

Despite Skye's choruses of praises about Blade, I didn't know if my little brother was able to handle a dangerous situation at all...

"You've got your hands full anyway..." I pointed out, trying to find an excuse to call the police. He threw me a suspicious glare and I wasn't sure if my sayings confirmed him my mistrust again. I didn't trust him and he didn't trust me, we've been strangers for a too long time to trust each other. Even though none of us spoke it out, I could always sense the cold thin air between us... it's like having to expect that something is going to explode any moment. It made me feel tensed, awkward and uncomfortable. 

Anyway, what mattered was that he luckily agreed this time, so I quickly pulled my cell phone out of my pocket before he would change his mind and dialed Andrews number as fast as I could in my drunken state.

"Hello, this is Taylor Hanson...." I slurred once I heard a voice in the line. Probably I didn't sound very sober, but my mind was too occupied that it didn't really matter for me at this moment. I needed to talk to Andrew and ask him to come, but instead of letting me finish my sentence, the person on the other end began to coughing and laughing. What was going on here?

"Of course you are! And I am Elvis, the King of Rock n Roll. Try to fool someone else kid, I need to sleep." A strange voice mocked me and the line ended abruptly after that.

Confused I looked at my phone, realizing I dialed the wrong number in my nervousness. It wasn't the first time that something like that happened to me because of my famous name.

"What the fuck are you doing there, Taylor? Hurry up!" My brother urged impatiently. He stood there waiting for me with his big dog under his arm and the pistol still ready to shoot in the other. Both of them stared at me, probably wondering what I was doing and I felt my hand starting to shake because I didn't want to make them upset.

"Sorry, I dialed the wrong number." I apologized blushing, hoping he wouldn't lose his patience again because of my clumsiness.

He rolled his eyes, growled irritatedly but didn't say anything. I guessed it was my fault though. If I had been sober, probably I could have been more concentrated. Nervously, I tried my best to focus on dialing the right number this time with my shaky hand. Fortunately I had luck this time and Andrew took my call. Quickly, I informed him about the happenings and he promised to come asap together with another officer.

"They will be here in a few minutes," I announced after I hang up the phone and slipped it back into in my pocket.

"Good. Can you walk by yourself now?" Zachary gave me a frown.

I felt my cheeks heaten up with shame again. "No, I don't think so." I honestly confessed this time. I already expected him to judge me again about it, but he just said "then hold onto my shoulders and stay behind me."

I hesitated because just a few minutes before, I experienced his wild and crazy violence and now he actually wanted me to hold on to him again... I just stood there, looking at him insecurely because I wasn't sure what to do.

Added to that, I suddenly felt pathetic to hide behind my little brother. Not even the alcohol level could suppress my shame anymore. Or maybe, I still didn't drink enough. I knew that for Zac we weren't even brothers anymore, but still, it was a weird and awkward feeling for me that he was here as my bodyguard.

I didn't know how I would ever be able to shake it off...

Surely, there're many families with protective younger siblings, but until now I hadn't realized how ashamed I would feel that my little brother was protecting me in a dangerous situation and that it would cause such a major embarrassment in me. The thought didn't cross my mind yet because of all the other bad things that happened, like Natalie's and my baby's death and the fear and hate about my stalker who killed them.

Still, I knew that I was dependent from him right now. Actually he was right about taking me home because I had drunk way more than I should have this evening. So apparently I had to go through this.

"Hey Sleeping Beauty, get real and stop dreaming!"

"Huh? What did you say?" I asked confused as I noticed Blade's irritated look.

"Listen to what I say. Do you think your Stalker will froze in awe of your beauty if he points a gun at you?" Clearly, he was pissed because of my hesitation.

I was blushing deeply and wanted to protest but I chose not to. I just stood there with my head tilted down, awkwardly rubbing my lower arms like I often do when I feel bashful.

"I want to get out of here..." I said quietly. 

"At first we have to look if the ground floor is clear, then I have to check the surveillance video and treat Bandito's injury. Now, when we walk you stay behind me. Come on! Hurry!" The firm soldier tone in his voice and the treatment of him made feel so shy and insecure in my brother's company. Even though I had far worse problems to face I felt like such a pussy giving in to his rules. The humilation was devastating even though he was actually a help. I didn't want to mean and unfair, although I had no idea how to deal with him. Furthermore, I didn't want to test him just yet after two days of such traumatic changes. He would probably shout at me and get violent again. I couldn't pretend that this was a dream though. My little brother was actually taking care of me and he did it very conscientiously.

All I could manage was to breath out a sheepishly "Yes sir. I'll follow your orders." Fear, shame and the fact of my helplessness over the situation crashed around in my brain when he finished his instructions. Then he asked if I understood the instructions. Obediently but miserable I answered in the same docile way as I had been taught. 

For now, I didn't see another way than to obey and swallow my ego because I was in no position to resist. Silently, with some hesitation and disbelief that I was actually doing this, I complied with my little brother's commands and laid my hands diffidently on his shoulders to not stumble down. Not only did my feels of guilt prevent me, so did my bodyguard's authority. I was literally being led along. It was not altogether uncomfortable, but I was definitely not used to it. At least this time I wasn't caught in his grasp.

"Stay close." He shot me a last glance and quickly turned around. His eyes warily looked around as we wandered silently back through the hallway. His movements were precise and cautious, like a soldier that was ready to shoot his enemy any moment. It could have been entertaining because it reminded me when Zachary was a teenager and walking around in and around the house with his toy gun. He could never get enough of playing with guns and videogames. It scared me that my wife's killer might be somewhere in my house and I was so drunk that I couldn't stand straight. Worse, I was alone with my little brother who might be a criminal guy who was planning an act of revenge.

The imagination of a possible burglar in my home scared me.

What did he want here? Why did that sick person come again?

I was sure that it could only have been the same person who killed my wife and my baby.

What did that person want from me? Was it not enough that my family got killed? 

I felt nothing, but despise and hate about that sick Stalker who had taken everything away from me. While some other part of me wasn't even sure anymore if I still had reasons to be afraid about my own life, I felt so weak and useless anyway.

"Put your gun down Za-Blade, you don't want to do anything stupid, right?" I whispered as he raised his gun and aimed it towards every corner.

He just scoffed at that. "You should know me better by know, blondie."

I didn't know what to say to that so I kept silent. Zac really seemed to be very decidedly and resolute and to shoot the intruder if he was still inside the house. At least I could hide my face in his back so Zac couldn't see my flushed cheeks anymore. I honestly couldn't even say what was worse for me, the embarrassment or my fear. I could hardly stand straight with the shock and shame I was feeling.

Zachary checked every corner of the rooms on the ground floor and I followed him like a ship in tow on my wobbly feet. I tiptoed behind him to the edge of the stairway and anxiously listened for any other sounds than my own pounding heart. Long moments passed until I gathered the courage to poke my head out over his shoulder. Looking down the hall, I let out a sigh of relief. No one was there! Not a soul! The coast was clear.

"Stay back, stay back." He repeatingly whispered to me which made me insecure but I complied without a word. I couldn't argue with the only person that wanted the same as me, to get out of here alive and well. Silently, we headed towards the bath room where I fetched an antibiotic oitment and a first aid box from the drug cabinet, then we went back with the stuff into the living room.

Carefully, he put Bandito down on the couch and told me to sit down as well. I let my weak legs sank on the other side next to his dog who immediately laid his head onto my lap. Zachary didn't sit down though, instead he went to the stairway and looked warily upstairs.

"Wait a minute." He said and ran upstairs before I could answer him with the gun in his hand.

I wanted to shout and tell him to stay, but I just sat there, regretting that I was such a drunk mess. Apparently he went upstairs to check the other rooms as well. My body started to shake in an instant but he fortunately came back before my fear got the edge on me.

"Your house is clean," he said and plopped himself down at the other side of the couch beside Bandito.

"You... you act like a soldier," I said somewhat amazed by his actions.

"I am soldier." He answered tonelessly and took the first aid box out of my hands. He didn't seem to be interested in having a conversation with me though and continued working, keeping a straight face. Without another word he quickly opened the first aid box and tipped the content out of it and onto the couch. I really didn't like how he made a hay of everything and even though it didn't seem an appropriate time to point it out I couldn't suppress my annoyance.

"Could you please treat my things a little more tidy and neatly? I frowned at the pile of bandages and dressing material on the couch.

"Seriously Taylor, don't have you some other problems?!" He commented head shaking, not bothering about the mess he caused.

"I'm just saying you..."

"Shut the hell up Taylor, I don't have time for this shit!" He exclaimed angrily that I jumped up. As Bandito was yelping quietly because of the turmoil I caused my heart broke. Gently, I stroked over his black fur to soothe him. He actually seemed to feel comfortable between us awkward beings and watched attentively every movement my brother made.

I could feel that there was a strong bond between them, Bandito evidently trusted him implicitly. So far, I didn't experience Blade in a worried mood before, to be honest I was already wondering if he would have feelings at all underneath his constantly cool exterior...

I have always wished for my real brother to come back and now I was finally seeing a little of his old side. It was relieving for me to see that he had still a heart. A boy who would do everything to protect his dog... he wasn't a teenager anymore, only his long hair still reminded of the wild Hippie from back then.

It had gotten a little darker... like everything else about him...

He was no longer the nice, funny and crazy Zac that I left almost a decade ago. He was now an older, bitter, uncaring man. 

Past had done a number on Blade and I didn’t like the changes my brother had made...

Seeing him of how he cared about his dog made me feel relieved and a little weight was lifted from my mind. I couldn't express why, but it still meant much to me to not let Zachary go before he'd have a different picture of me. And now, that I experienced my brother for the very first time not as a emotionless robot, made me unsure if my doubts and actions were right.

Now he was here to protect me and I couldn't deny that he was doing his job so far. But still, his violent behaviour was intimidating to me, that I didn't know how to act around him.

How should I ever be able to take it seriously that my little brother was my bodyguard?

Maybe it wasn't even fair to let him do the job, even though I had no idea how I should ever get used to that fact...

"I can tape up Bandito's wound if you want me to...I can do that." I offered him as he rummaged through the stuff. He stopped for a second, looked at me and gave me a leery frown. Somehow, the stare of his shrewd brown eyes made me feel uncomfortable, he was equally close and distant...

As if only his body was here to function and his soul was anywhere else...

But I cared so much about Bandito's condition that I just didn't want to only sit there, watching while his poor dog was suffering. I wanted to give Bandito something back for the kindness he gave me.

"Alright. Do that. I have to check the surveillance video." He agreed and handed the gauze bandage to me. I was surprised that he agreed this time and in away made my mistrust towards him me feel very guilty again. I knew that it was my turn to make up to him.

If my parents could see us now, they'd probably tell me;

"Taylor don't give up. Trust in yourself and trust in your optimism."

But how shall I do that with everything that happened? If only they could be here and motivate me...

I sighed, my mind was drifting away again...

Zachary had taken the remote control for the TV in one hand, the pistol still holding in the other hand. He turned the TV on and a few seconds later he was spooling through the recordings of the monitoring cameras.

I turned my attention down to Bandito, to bandage the scratch at his hind leg. It wasn't a deep wound, but he was in pain when he put his paw down. I carefully rubbed the ointment into his wound, trying my best to not cause him any more pain and bandaged his hind leg properly. When I was finished I put the dressing material back into the box and looked up to the TV as well. I was curious if Zac already found a proof for the broken up back door. Obviously, he noticed my attention immediately even though he didn't even look at me. He pressed the pause button on the remote control in an instant. 

"I can't allow you to watch this Taylor. It's better for you to not watch this creepy shit!" he said without looking away from the Screen.

Who did he think he was that he acted as if he could tell me what I was allowed to watch and what not?!?

"What else shall I do then in the meantime!?!" I asked irritated and stared at him in disbelief.

Who did he think he was that he acted as if he could tell me what I was allowed to watch and what not?!?

"What else shall I do then in the meantime!?!" I asked irritated and stared at him in disbelief.

"Whatever princess, brush your goldilocks or something. Those violent scenes are not the right entertainment for a girly pussy like you." He stated indifferently.

Not embarrassing enough with it, that he was my bodyguard, now he was bossing me around and treating me like a girl was only making it worse for me. Just because I wasn't a fan of those stupid Horror and Zombie movies like he had always been, didn't mean he had the right to treat me that way. I blushed from embarrassment but I was too mad to think of it. He was my little brother, yet he made me feel like his little sister. This time I wouldn't obey his orders!

"I also want to see what happened here!" I protested upset and determined. Seriously, I never experienced that anyone treated me so respectless like my own brother did. I had many crazy fans experienced before, but no one among them ever dared to talk to me like that. Even the most hysterical fans had more respect towards me than my little brother had. Blade didn't give a shit about anything though, well, except his Rottweiler.

"Fine. But don't complain if you're gonna wet yourself," he replied cold and flatly after pressing the play button to start the video.

I was annoyed and offended about his words, but I also knew that I didn't have the strength to mess with him. I didn't know if we were out of danger and right now wasn't the right time to occupy my mind about these things, but I couldn't help it that the way he treated me hurt me again. Meanwhile, I knew that he didn't care about me, that's why I felt that he was only being mean to punish me. And I knew it was what I had deserved, so which right did I have to contradict...?

I didn't realize how much his words hurt me until I felt tears prickling in my eyes. Tears of anger, desperation, sadness and guilt. Quietly, I gulped back a sob. I've always been a emotional, blushful person who get embarrassed easily and in my current state I was much more sensitive than usual and than I like to admit.

"Why do you have to be so mean and respectless to me?" I let out a shaky breath, unthinking of the whiny, offended tone I couldn't suppress. Even though I already knew my question wouldn't change anything, in my helplessness I didn't see another way at this moment than to appeal on his sympathy again. That's why I gave it a last try.

I wished he would show me some compassion, but I couldn't ask and demand something from him that he didn't get from me when he needed me...

My limbs felt so cold. Not because of fear or coldness, but because of the loneliness I felt inside me. It must have been the same sad and bleak feeling Zachary felt when I left him back then...

"The surveillance video is not a fucking chick flick; it's about the man who killed your wife and broke into your home because of you. If you're unable to realize that this shit is not good for you, then you don't deserve to get treated better. Now stop bothering me and shut up! I have to focus. Unlike a girl like you, I have some work to do."

He was getting real pissed about the fact that I didn't follow his order. Was my reaction wrong?

I realized that it wouldn't make sense anymore to continue discussing with him, it would only hurt me more. Furthermore, I didn't want to let him know that he often hit the mark with his remark every time he called and treated me like a girl. During my puberty years it was a sore spot for me because I was often getting teased for looking like a girl and back then it had always made me feel a little embarrassed when I was teased because of that. I knew that I was delicate and looked a little girly but nowadays I have no problem with my feminine side. I could never understand why it should be inacceptable to have feminine features.

It was Blade's respectlessness that hurt me the most. Still, I didn't want to cry in front of my little brother, he would probably only tease me all the more about my sensivity. A soft noise, almost a sob escaped my lips before I could swallow the hard lump in my throat and blinked my tears away.

Since my brother was here, I was in a steady conflict with myself. 

His insults always brought me to the edge, but at the same time I didn't want to stoop to his level and fall on his primitive niveau. If he never learned cultivated manners, I knew that it was my task to be a role model as his older brother, no matter how he thought about that.

In the current situation I didn't see another way to show him that I wasn't that egoistical like he thought I was...

That's why I silenced to give my broken heart a rest, but I couldn't stop myself from continue watching the recording tape of the surveillance cameras with him anyway.

Until we suddenly saw something in the darkness...


	27. Chapter 27

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

The Screen of the TV showed several screens of the surveillance cameras Zac had installed. Among the alternate stripes suddenly appeared a black shape of a strange person outside the back door on the porch. I couldn't see much because it was very dark outside already, but it was clear enough to see that figure, someone obviously wanted to get in the house!

I was shocked, who was that person? Whether me nor the police could find that something in the house was missing after Natalie's death. No money or other valuables were gone. I couldn't even express how creepy the feeling was that the strange person apparently was not interested in stealing something tangible. I really didn't want to think about which other sick plans that person had, it was too strange and horrible. Why was he so obsessed with me that he burgled in my home after he already killed my family? Why did he scare me that much? Did he want to kill me, too?

"There is your freaky Stalker," my brother said in a vacuous tone.

I couldn't even answer him.

The time in the bottom corner of the Screen showed that it was 9:21 pm when the strange person appeared.

Someone looked through the bullet proof glass of the back door with a flash lamp in his hand.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

A few seconds later, Bandito jumped into the picture, barked loudly towards the back door, which caused the person to jump back and only a few seconds later the person was gone. I wanted to let out a relieved sigh, but I knew that couldn't have been all.

Zachary pushed the button of the remote control for fast forward play again. I realized at that moment how serious the situation was and that my life was really in danger. It wasn't over yet.

The realization hit me like a hammer and gave me goosebumps on my whole body. Even though it wasn't even cold in the house, I was freezing and quivering. The sudden shock about my creepy Stalker had made me sober again. I couldn't even feel the alcohol anymore, I was just scared and my hands and legs were shaking.

After everything that happened to me in the last 24 hours, I didn't have any joy in living, but still, I loved life and I definitely didn't want to end in the hands of some strange sick Stalker freak.

Despite all my fears, I didn't want my little brother to know how I felt, so I put my hands between my legs and pressed them together as hard as I could, in hope they would stop shaking and get warmer through my forceful pressing.

Bandito must have sensed my uncontrollably trembling, he immediately cuddled closer to me a bit. I felt really bad that something happened to Bandito and I wondered if my brother blamed me for that.

Was it my fault?

But most of all, would letting my little brother doing this job put even more guilt on me if I'd risk to bring him and me in dangerous situations?

All ego complexes aside, I definitely didn't want Zachary to get in danger as well because of me, but I also didn't want him to leave me. Was he really able to deal with this situation? I was torn between being afraid to lose him and expose him to danger. I wasn't sure if it was a selfish act from me to keep him, but I also knew that I would never see him again if I'd tell him to go at this time.

I sensed that these days in which my brother were working for me were my only chance to fix our broken brotherly bond if there was still a chance at all...

I knew that I would lose him forever this time if I let him go now and I knew that I would regret it forever if I didn't take this chance.

Blade was my only family. No matter how much he scared and hated me. All I had to do was to find the key, the key to his heart. Because I still love him. Yeah I did. 

After all these years, suddenly my fate caught up with me and was now paying me back for what I had done to my parents and my younger brother.

It was probably naive to believe I could live a happy life forever. There had always been a missing unfulfilled spot in my heart because of Zachary. I couldn't count how many times I wondered what happened to him. How many times I tried to search out for him, coz I wanted to let him know that I didn't forget him and missed him. I wanted to explain him my reasons and for him to forgive me, I knew that I made a mistake when I left him back then. But the guilt that our parents died because of my fault burnt into my soul so deep that I just didn't know how I could face him. I was always afraid that he would say the one sentence to me which I scared the most.

"You Taylor killed my parents."

With Zachary's presence I realized how much I still felt guilty about that. Evidently, he still blamed me for leaving him alone and the death of our parents. Even if his hate against me would never cease, I knew that it would be justified...

I wanted my brother back, even though I had no idea if I had deserved to get a second chance.

Now, nine years later, my fate finally had caught up with me.

That's what I was aware of when I had to face the second appearance of the stranger on the TV Screen about one hour video clock time later.

This time, the person had brought a toolbox with him and after he had quickly looked through the room with his flash lamp, he suddenly took a boring machine out of his tool box and began to drill a hole into the door locker without even minding Bandito's loud barking and the siren's wailing of the alarm system which were almost drowned out by the noise.

"I thought the new door lockers would be safe..." I thought out loud.

Oh shit! Had I really said that? Great Taylor. Instead of trying to find a way to him, I pointed out the probably most inappropriate remark I could say at that moment. It was definitely not my intention to question my brother's technical skills which doubtlessly always have been better than mine. I bit on my lower lip, wishing I could remove my stupid remark which accidentally left my lips too soon before my mind could really think about it further.

"Every door locker isn't more safe than its weakest spot, Blondie."

He informed me without turning his attention away from the Screen and managed to make me feel even more stupid because of my comment. I knew that he was right, but in my nervousness, I just needed a distraction from the creepy fact that someone burgled in our home.

I turned to him and watched him for a moment, wondering if the scene didn't scare him at all. Sure the Stalker was interested in me and not my brother, but still, he was here to protect me and it didn't seem to alarm him at all. He was so calm and his casual posture looked as if he was just watching some random movie.

How was he able to control his feelings so well?

I wasn't even sure anymore if my brother was right that it would have been better for me to not watch this creepy shit, because unfortunately these recordings weren't a movie, they were real.

They were about the person who was trying to get me and it scared the hell out of me.

As the burglar was finished with tunneling a hole, he opened the back door and stepped into the house. I pulled my hands out of my legs and covered my mouth with one of them as I could see him clearly for the first time.

The person wore black clothes from head to toe which covered his head and his whole body. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He sneaked into the room with inaudible steps, his movements were so smooth and calculated. He seemed to be confident and not scared at all, apparently exactly knowing what he was doing. 

A cold shiver went down my spine while I felt panic building up in me.

The next scenes passed by me like in a drunken daze. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Bandito jumped towards the burglar and bit into the intruder's leg. The person, who I think now is a man because of his body height tried to pull away from him as he hurried through the room, but Bandito didn't let go off of him.

Their wrangling over went on and on until they reached the dining room. As the man realized he couldn't shake Bandito off, he suddenly pulled a pocket knife out of his pants pocket and... I looked away to not have to see the next scene... All I heard was a yelp of Bandito and the slam of the dining room door afterwards.

"That fucking sicko just got a new enemy!"

My brother exclaimed hatefully, gritted his teeth and clenched his fists. He aimed the pistol towards the TV as if he could shoot the burglar through the Screen.

I looked up again to the unbearable scene, tearful and quivering. Like through a fog, I watched how the burglar hurried out of the back door almost running and the video shortly ended after that.

I couldn't make a move. My thoughts were everywhere. It was one of those rare moments in which not even my fantasy could help me out of my fear.

That was the person who killed my family and hurt Bandito. And he probably wanted to kill me, too.

Even though the burglar was gone now, I was full of panic and stricken with fear. I didn't feel safe in this house anymore.

"Andrew... where are you?" I whispered almost inaudibly.

I wasn't sure if my brother noticed my trembling because I was too occupied with my fear and my emotions.

Suddenly he turned to me and said,

"you don't need to be scared as long as I am with you."

I gave him a frown. Was he serious? I wasn't sure how I should take his words, it was the first time he said something nice to me, but I couldn't think about it further, I was too shocked about the video scenes I just saw.

"We have to get out of here for now!" he suddenly stated, stood up and took the videocassette out of the player. He shoved the cassette into his pants pocket and lifted Bandito up from the couch again.

He definitely didn't need to tell me twice. With regained strength in my legs I quickly stood up as well.

"Yes, I'd rather spend the night in a hotel than here." I agreed. "I'm gonna pack a few clothes quickly and then we can leave asap."

He furrowed his eyebrows at that.

"Taylor, you don't need your fucking clothes, you have to get out of here! Now!" He shouted angrily at me and shook his head in disbelief after that.

I winced about his loud voice, he was right probably. The situation was new for me, that's why I didn't know how to deal with it.

I followed my armed brother towards the front door. Despite his warning, I couldn't help myself though to rush for a second into the bathroom next to the front door to fetch my dopp kit. When we go on a 3-day trip, I usually, pack over 7 outfits, just in case I will hesitate about what to wear. For sure it wasn't the right moment to think about that, but I wanted to take my own toothbrush and some care products with me at least. I felt Blade's serious stare on my back as I did that, but I tried to ignore it and took my bag with my diary and my camera in it from the clothing hook and quickly hid my dopp kit in it before we went out of the house.

The moment we walked out of the door, I saw Andrew's police car arriving and I released a relieved sigh. 

I couldn't even express how glad I was that Andrew was here now and that I was able to walk by myself again. I really didn't need another embarrassing experience.

Hastily, I ran the front stairs down towards him, as he and another police man which I haven't seen before got out of the car.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Taylor, are you alright? This is Derek, one of my workmates, come here and tell us quickly what happened."

He greeted me shortly, laid his hands on my shoulders and shoved me away from the stairs. His workmate gave me a nod, then hurried around the house to the backside.

With a shaking voice, I told Andrew about the happenings as fast as I could manage and what we've seen on the video.

He threw a serious glance towards my brother who luckily had put his gun away now. I wasn't sure what Andrew would think about the fact that my brother was wearing a gun around. I wanted to find more about my brother's current life and hoped my forebodings that he was connected in something criminal wouldn't turn out to be true. I didn't want to get Zachary in possible problems with the police because of that.

As he reached us, he pulled the video cassette out of his pocket and handed it to Andrew in the most despiseful way possible.

"This 's the surveillance video. I need a copy of that, got it?!"

Instead of waiting for an answer, he walked away and carried his dog to his car. We looked after him for a second and I couldn't help to wonder what Andrew thought about that my brother carried everything around like a sack of potatoes how he wanted to... 

Luckily, Andrew didn't react to it, none of us didn't need another discussion. Besides, fighting with my brother wasn't the reason why he came. But he was clearly more upset this time as he turned his attention back to me. I couldn't blame him.

"Did Blade anything to you?" He asked when my brother was out of earshot and looked in my eyes so emphatically that I knew he wouldn't accept anything, but the truth.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Let's see... my brother destroyed my dining room door and was apparently a gun-toting criminal who  
almost throttled me in his headlock... to make it short.

I silenced. Everything which would come out of my mouth at that moment wouldn't be right...

I wasn't sure if Andrew saw it as a confirmation, coz he suddenly spoke again.

"I can take you home with me Taylor after Derek and I have checked your house. You can stay with Skye and me until tomorrow, what do you think?"

He was offering me accommodation for the night and I didn't know what I should do. His offer was very inviting to me to be honest. If I decide now to go with my brother, my life would be in his hands.

I would give my life in Zac's hands and maybe even die in his arms if he wouldn't be able to protect me from my Stalker.

I knew that I shouldn't leave Zac again, though. Even if something serious would happen to me, I knew that I should stay with him and show him for once that I would stay by his side and show him my trust, regardless of the fact that he put no value of that anymore.

At least I would die and be with my family together again which was maybe not the worst imagination.

Added to that, if something happen to me, I would die in my brothers company.

On the other hand, I loved life. I realized that I didn't want to die anymore. Furthermore, I wanted to find out who that intruder was. I wanted him to get paid for what he did to my child and to my wife.

I looked up to Andrew, then over to my brother who was waiting for me at his car, 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

then back again to Andrew.

My life was in grave danger.

Was I really ready to jump and give my life into my little brother's hands...?


	28. Chapter 28

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

Deep inside I knew that there was only one acceptable answer, I just wasn't sure if I was ready to speak it out yet.

Despite his anger towards me, I had to admit that Blade did his job. And I knew I had to learn to appreciate and trust his actions somehow. It was about time to fight even though I felt still lost and broken.  
I wanted to make our relationship better and fix as many of the broken wounds as I could in my remained life time.

"No, thanks Andrew. I'm alright. Really. We'll look for a hotel to stay for the night." I finally said, avoiding to meet his concerned look. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I didn't know if I just signed my own death warrant, but I owed Zachary to not give up on him. I knew I had to do it for both of us.

"Taylor if you think your brother is not the right person for that job, there's nothing bad about it to admit that." Andrew replied and I knew that he was worried about me and my current state.

"Thanks for your concern. I know that my brother has brusque ways, but I can't let him go. I just can't. Please accept that, okay?"

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He sighed at my decision, but then raised his hand and tousled through my hair.

"You don't give up that soon Taylor, huh?" He smiled a little.

"No I can't. Blade is my only family."

"Ok Taylor, I understand. But be careful and don't hesitate to tell me if something happens to you. Derek is already inside. We're going to check the house and the neighbourhood for traces from the burglar. I'll see that you get a new back door tomorrow, it will take a while though. Would you give Skye a call? He's hysterical in fear about you." A little smile rushed over his lips at the mention of Skye's name.

"Yeah sure." I fished the keys for the front door out of my bag and handed them to him. He took them, patted my shoulder and hurried the front stairs up after that. I turned to him and called him one last time as he reached the last step.

"Andrew?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for everything. Not only for now, but... you know... also for saving my life yesterday."

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"That's my job Taylor. Take care!" He gave me a wink, then turned his back again to me and hurried towards the front door.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called Skye as I started my way to Blade's car. He already walked towards me from the opposite side of the street.

"Hey Skye, it's me Taylor."

"Taylor, oh my god, oh my god, I'm so glad that you're finally calling me! Eagle Eye told me what happened, gosh this must be such a nightmare for you, are you alright???"

Skye talked without even breathing and it needed several attempts and reassurance that I was alright until he finally calmed down a little. I had to ask him a question which ran through my mind since Zachary mentioned that Skye 'used' a friend of him named Santiago to help me.

"Skye, listen please. I didn't only call you to assure you that I'm fine. Besides to that, I have to ask you a question of which I really need to know an honest answer. Why didn't you tell me the truth when I asked you if you know anything about my brother's life? Blade said you have talked to a friend of him."

He seemed to be a little taken aback about that.

"Oh Taylor, please don't be mad. I don’t have any bad intention... I just didn't want to meddle in your family affairs..."

"But that's what you did because you lied to me, Skye."

I wanted to ask him what he knows, what I didn't know yet, but my brother had already reached me and I knew I couldn't talk about him to Skye when he was around me.

I heard Skye repeatedly apologizing in the line and I felt that he was stupefied about my sudden allegation. I didn't want to hurt him, I knew that I also left certain things unsaid from my past, but I couldn't help to feel hurt and disappointed being lied from my closest friend anyway.

"Let's talk tomorrow, okay? Blade, Bandito and me have to look for a hotel now."

"You know you can sleep here Taylor... you guys will probably have problems to find a hotel room with a dog last-minute." He shyly uttered out.

I sighed. During all the trouble, I didn't think about that yet.

"Are you sure about that?"

"Taylor, I'm your manager. Of course I know about that. Last minute check-in will definitely be difficult, especially at higher class hotels."

"However, we will find something else then. Don't worry about me Skye! Can you come around tomorrow afternoon when Natalie's family will be here?"

"Yes, of course Taylor, I will be there. Thank you for calling me. And sorry again. Have a good night Tay."

"Good night Skye. I'll see ya tomorrow."

I hang up, shoved the phone into my pocket and went over to the passenger side of the car.

Zachary didn't say anything until we both sat in the car again and had taken on the seatbelts.

"He said we will probably have problems to find a hotel with Bandito last minute." I told him and turned around to look how Bandito was doing. He was enveloped in Zac's jacket and peacefully sleeping on the backseat.

"Then why didn't you stay with your fucking faggot friends? You could have stayed with them."

Either he had his ears everywhere or it was harder to deceive him than I expected. I turned my attention away from his dog and looked in his eyes to answer him. Since I knew how much Blade cared about his dog, his eyes didn't look that dark to me anymore because I knew now that he still had a heart.

"Because I... want to stay with you." I answered, not caring anymore if he would shout on me again because I really wanted him to know that my decision was what I really wanted.

"You better should have stayed with them, they are the better company for you." He said, his voice almost cracked this time. He looked away from me, took his aviators from the dashboard and put them on before he turned his attention towards the street, started the engine and drove off.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's the fucking truth, Taylor."

Granted. Maybe my attempts and actions were out of all reason, maybe I was insane already, I didn't know. The only explanation I had was that, it could only be my optimistic instinct which still lived somewhere deep inside of me and never wanted me to give up, even though it was senseless. I wanted to take advantage of the situation in which he had to listen to me while he was driving.

"Blade?"

"What?"

"I know that you don't want to talk about the past anymore... but can I ask you at least one question?"

"I don't talk about the fucking past anymore, Taylor. It's over. Welcome to the present which is reality!"

"Yeah I know. I was just wondering... have you ever been happy in the last nine years?"

"Stop trying to pretend as if you would care, Taylor. You have no fucking right to ask me that."

"Please... I... just want to know an answer to this one question. I won't ask anymore after that. Have you ever been happy in the last nine years?" I softly repeated my question.

He silenced a while after that. I was already giving up hope when he finally answered.

"I was never happy, Taylor. I was just less pissed off."

I closed my eyes after his cold words for a moment, thinking about how much he must have felt alone because of me. His words were bitter and hurt obviously, there was no doubt about that. I was already used to Zachary's directness and sarcasm when we were younger and I knew that it was his usual way to hide his emotions.

"Then answer me one fucking thing too Taylor. Do you sometimes think of Mom and Dad?" He suddenly piped up. I looked at him surprised and a little taken aback. I really hadn't expected such a question. It was the first time he wanted to know something from me about our old life.

Did he want to know more than he told me before?

"Yeah." I nodded. Of course I thought about them as often as I thought about Zachary in the last nine years. But the details connected with their death were still unspoken between the two of us. Too many years passed by without talking about them...

"Did you care about them?"

Zachary's challenging question made me upset even though I knew it was justified. I looked at him as though he just told me to take off all my clothes and bark like a dog.

What the hell did he think of me?

"They were our parents. Of course I cared about them!" I exlaimed louder than actually intended and stared at him, unable to figure out where he wanted to get at with his questions. His voice remained completely flat though as he continued. I couldn't detect the slightest sign of emotion in his tone.

"Oh, so because someone is related to you means you gotta care about him? Do you think I care about you?"

He suddenly turned to me and I winced a little because I hadn't expected to get confronted with his straight out question. No, I didn't think that Zachary still cared about me because he made it too clear that he didn't give a shit about me. On the other hand I didn't want to him to make believe I already gave up hope on us though...

"I don't know." I shrugged.

"Fucking right you don't know! You know nothing about me." He snarled, unable to suppress the bitterness in his indifferent voice this time.

"You... you have surely seen that I kept your old teenage stuff..." I pointed out. I didn't know how to get a connection to him because honestly I felt a little intimidated because of his rough snarl. I never knew how far I could go or if I already went too far and I was not aware of it as yet. I figured that he wouldn't believe me that I still cared for him. After what I had done, I couldn't even blame him.

I didn't know what he thought about that I kept his belongings because I missed my brother.

"Yeah I've seen that. Did you think I would remain a damn child forever?"

"No, of course not. It... just didn't feel right to me to throw your things away."

A few silent seconds passed until he suddenly said

"but apparently it didn't feel wrong for you to throw me away."

My heart began to race, I opened my mouth, wanted to say anything, but I just didn't know how to find the right words and if I could justify my guilt at all. Because I killed our parents and I knew that his childhood was ruined because of me. In my current state, I just couldn't bear even more blame and another outburst of his anger. I knew that it would cut the thin bond on which my will to life was clinging and break me down completely.

"Anyway. It's too late." He eventually said after my silence, turned the radio on and I knew that the moment was over.

"I know." I whispered, even though I knew he couldn't hear it coz my words were drowned out by the music. I sank deeper into my seat and instinctively turned my head towards the window next to me as a tear rolled down my face that he wouldn't see it.

Too many unanswered questions were floating through my mind, what brought me into this situation, and what I feared to speak out.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

My mind was drifting back to the past and Blade's voice sounded to me as if I was caught in a dream tent and he spoke to me from anywhere else.

"Where do you want me to drive now?" he wanted to know.

"Wherever you want to..." I sighed, letting my eyes closed and listened for a while to Rhianna's song which played in the radio at that moment.

You and I, you and I  
We're like diamonds in the sky  
You're a shooting star I see  
A vision of ecstasy  
When you hold me, I'm alive  
We're like diamonds in the sky

So shine bright, tonight you and I  
We're beautiful like diamonds in the sky...

Even though I felt guilty to admit it, I missed music already. Singing and being on stage was always my big Love beside my family. Music means the world to some people, a lot of people; people like you, and certainly me. It stirs my soul, lights a fire under my feet and inspires me to live life to its fullest...

Would I ever experience standing on stage again and sing for a cheering audience?

How would the relationship between Blade and me progress? I didn't know yet, all I knew was that, I needed some more time, time to regain some strength until I could finally speak out... what I wasn't ready for yet.

I opened my eyes again and watched the cars and landscapes passing beside us, all the glowing nightly street lights of Los Angeles... just like moments passing in front of me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I let my mind drift away, remembering to what we have been once...almost a decade ago.

The brothers Zac and Taylor.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
video inspiration for this Chapter: Taylor Hanson - Diamonds (Slideshow video) ♡


	29. Chapter 29

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Year 2000

Taylor:

Dear Diary,

I'm so happy! The casting of the record company yesterday was amazing! They were impressed by the tapes I've sent them and if I'm lucky I will go soon on my very first tour!  
My dream of becoming a musician might finally come true, I can't even say how excited I am! I get the chance to sing my own songs to the public, I still can't believe it.  
Dad has brought me in contact with the right people since we are living here in Pasadena.  
I had never thought that my career would progress so fast since we moved away from Tulsa...

Music is one of, if not the most important aspect of my life. It is my way to escape from the real world and just let myself go. It is a way how I can express myself, my feelings and keep my company if I'm alone, coz it always give me something to do. It's something that I can go to whenever I need it.

Music helps me to connect to life...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Die villain!" A loud shout behind me, made me jumped up on my chair a little. Typical! My little brother was playing with a toy gun again.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Can't you knock on my door like every normal person, Zac?" I frowned at him as he stood there in the doorframe, a plastic pistol in his hand.

"No, that would be too boring!" He answered casually, came into my room and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"You're such a doofus sometimes Zac!" I laughed.

"A doofus who just finished building a tree house in the garden." He stated proudly, without minding my insult.

"Is it finished?"

"Yep, thanks to Dad and my awesome self." He smiled and began to make shooting sounds.

I rolled my eyes playfully, closed my diary and put it in the drawer of my desk.

"And you are sure that it's safe?" I frowned at him.

"Hey! Do you question my technical skills, Blondie?!?" He suddenly looked a little annoyed and aimed the toy pistol towards me.

I laughed again and shook my head.

"No, as long as you don't question my musical skills as well."

"Why should I? I know that you have an amazing talent Taylor, everyone in the family knows that."

I smiled. One thing I always appreciated about my younger brother was that, whenever he gave you compliment, you could be sure that he was honest. Zachary was never ashamed to say what he thinks, no matter if they were good or bad, he was never afraid to tell them outright. Sometimes I wish I could also be like that...

Happy about Zac's answer, I stood up and we went outside together in the garden where Dad was waiting for us.

Even though Dad was supporting me so much with my musical career, he had still found time to putter around with my brother at the tree house.

I looked over at the newly made tree house. It was painted mostly with color Blue, Zac's favorite color. I curiously inspected it from our viewpoint.

It was competently built, considering my Dad and Zac were both just laymen.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Ah Zachary, there you are! Your mother and I have something for you."

Our Dad walked towards us with a Flyer waving in his hand. My tree house inspection from afar was interrupted by our dad's voice. Zac and me curiously looked at the little card in my dad's hand.

"What is this?" Zachary asked.

"Here, take it and read." Dad held the Flyer out to my impatient little brother.

He took it and read out loud. "Vacation in Summer Camp Montana."

"Well, we think you deserve a reward after your hard work with me on the tree house, what do you think about that?"

"That would be awesome Dad!" Zac's excitement was pretty obvious in his voice. I could understand him. A summer camp was a lot of fun for sure.

"But what about Taylor?" he asked confused. 

"I can't go on vacation currently Zac, I'm waiting for an important call from the record company." I interjected.

"Yes your older brother will probably become famous very soon." Dad smiled at me proudly and patted my shoulder.

"Oh, so you don't mind me driving alone on vacation?" He turned to me.

"No worries Zac, have fun. You can tell me about it when you are back." I assured him.

"Fine. But you don't know what you will miss Taylor." Zac seemed to try to convince me. But at that time I couldn't drive away because of the phone call I was waiting so much for. So it was totally fine with me not to go. I was happy for Zac and there would surely be other opportunities.

"I think I can live with that," I laughed. "Now, let's finally check out the tree house!"

Even though I wasn't a technical person, I had always loved to climb on things. Both of us excitedly climbed up to the wooden staircase.

A few days later, Zachary drove to the summer camp. We said goodbyes with excitement before he jumped into the summer camp bus. Both of us had different reasons. I, on a call from the record company and he, on his summer camp. None of us didn't know that the following weeks would change our happy lives forever...

The next two weeks passed by and I still haven't heard anything from the record company and slowly, I began to get impatient. My father assured me that they would surely call me soon, that I did a great job while performing, but the more time passed, the more I got doubtful.

It was quiet in the house without Zachary and much less funnier than usual when he was not round me. I even missed his badinages but I knew that he would be back in a few days and everything would get back to normal again.

I was about to give up my hope when I finally got the call of which I was waiting for so hard. I thought I would die of excitement as I listened to the news from the record company at the other end of the line...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2 days later

I was sitting in the Lobby of the House of Blues of Los Angeles, my legs were shaking uncontrollably because of stage fright.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The stakes could not be higher on this evening for me, because it would decide about my future as a musician and if I'd finally get a record deal or not.

Unfortunately the projected maturity date was too sudden that Zachary wouldn't have been able to come back that soon from Montana. But he was supposed to come home tomorrow anyway.  
So I hoped that I could tell him at least some great news when he would come back.

I was like an insomniac in the last two days, completely restless. I could hardly find some sleep or eat anything.

I stood up and paced nervously to and fro, hoping my parents would arrive soon that they could help me to calm down a little before I would have to go out on stage.

I could already hear the hysterical screams from the crowd out there, there were two other boys about my age who were also here to perform at this Festival and in the end, the record company would decide who would get the record deal. I was supposed to be the last performer on this evening.

When will Mom and Dad finally come?? I need them, now!

Impatiently I looked down on my watch. Actually they supposed to be here already. I began to get worried. Usually they would give me a call if they're late.

Do they stuck in the traffic or have problems to find a parking lot...? 

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Dad's number.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

As I waited for him to take my call, the french doors from the Lobby suddenly got pulled open and a person came in which I didn't expect to see here. Our neighbour, Maria Sanchez.

What the hell was she doing here?

My parents had become good friends with Maria and her family since we lived in Pasadena. We didn't have any relatives living in California. Maria's family was living in the house next to ours and they were nice people, but we knew that we wouldn't probably see them anymore soon coz they were planning to move away to another state.

I took my cell phone away as I saw that she looked at me very seriously as she walked towards me. My heart missed a beat, I could feel how my hackles roused, and I suddenly knew something must have happened!

"Taylor, I have some bad news for you...."

I swallowed and my heart sank to my knees as she lied her hand on my shoulder.

I watched her speak and internally prayed that everybody's fine.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I got even more nervous than I already was. I could sense it in my bones that something must have happened because of the serious way she looked at me.

"Your parents Taylor...."

Suddenly I felt a grasp on my heart, it was so hard and heavy, I didn't know how much words could hurt until that moment. I panicky thought of the possibilities.

"No... please don't...." Those were the only words I managed to say. I didn't know yet what's the real news and I was afraid that it would be too heavy to endure them.

I shivered and prayed in the back of my mind as I waited for her to speak out what I feared...

"I'm sorry Taylor... I'm so sorry. Your parents died in a car crash on the way to here. I got a call from the accident hospital and came here asap..."

I was about to sank on my feet when she circled her arm around my back and pulled me into a hug.

My vision became blurry after that and I was sobbing desperately. I couldn't believe it.

My positive side was still hopeful as I tried to alter the situation she just said.

"Maria, that can't be true. Are you sure? Maybe it wasn't Mam and Dad. Maybe they made a mistake and they are just injured or something..."

I hastlily pulled my phone out and wanted to call them again.

"Tay, I just came to the hospital, I saw them." Her voice cracked as she said that.

I looked at her tearfully with a questioning look and she gave me a nod. Tears began to fall from my eyes.

In this moment I realized that it wasn't a joke of fate, my parents were really dead.  
Mam and Dad were dead. They died on the way to here. The realization brought me into a state of shock.

My mind was scattered but I immediately thought about Zachary.

What was with him? Was he doing well?

"What about Zachary, Maria? Is he okay? Does he already know?"

My voice sounded shaky and it was overpowered by the loud screaming outside, but Maria managed to understand what I said anyway.

"Not yet, Tay, but he's already on his way home now, I will tell him about it once he arrived tomorrow." Was her reply.

"Oh no! Zac will think that I killed them...he was supposed to come back from the summer camp tomorrow happy. I don't know how I can explain that to him Maria..."

She shook her head and grabbed my shoulder tightly.

"No Taylor, he won't blame you. I will talk with him and explain it to him. You don't need to think that way, okay?" She reassured me.

I didn't know what to respond so I gave her only a nod. I never felt so numb before.

"I wanna go home," was all I could whimper.

Maria nodded and took my jacket before we left.

I felt that I was falling in a deep and dark cloud of blaming and reproaching myself. Mam and Dad supported my music career in every way, we even moved to California because of supporting me. And now they died on the way to my performance.

How couldn't I blame myself? 

Making music was my big dream and they paid for it with their lives.

Were their lives the cost of my dream to come true? How could I explain it to Zachary? 

If I would have known that, I would have given up on my music career.

I didn't want that. I didn't want to kill my and Zachary's parents. I was the one who caused their death.

God, what have I done...? 

 

Zachary:

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I was sitting in the bus on the way back from the summer camp, wistfully looking back to the last two weeks. I had made a lot of new friends, with which I had spent two awesome weeks in Montana. Every day was full of discovering something new and I knew a part of me would surely miss that time for a while, but I was also very much looking forward to see Taylor and my parents again. I've never been a big writing letter person, so instead of writing a letter I had drawn a calendar for Taylor, with a picture of what I had made each day which I wanted to give him when I would come back home. 

I got excited to see Mam, Dad and Taylor again the closer we came to my hometown. It was almost lunch time when the Summer camp bus finally arrived at the bus stop in Pasadena. Heavily loaded with my travel bag I got happily out of the bus and said goodbye to my new made friends.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The excitement and happiness to be home again blew the wistful pain that those great weeks were over in a snap away.

The bus drove away from the parking area and I looked around to see where Mam and Dad were. They promised to pick me up from the bus stop today. But instead of them, I saw our neighbour Maria Sanchez waiting in front of her car a few meters behind the bus stop.

She waved at me to come over to her. Frowning, I walked over to her.

"Hey Maria, where are Mam and Dad?"

"They couldn't come Zachary. I'm here to pick you up. Come on, let's get your stuff in my car first."

"Hmm, Taylor has an important appointment?" I asked, as she opened the trunk and helped me to put my travel bag into it.

Knowing that Taylor always had to keep appointments to progress his music career and Mam and Dad always giving him their back it was normal for me that my first guess was that they couldn't come because of my brother getting famous. 

"No Zachary, your parents couldn't come... because they had a car accident yesterday." She said in a quiet tone, closed the trunk and went over to the driver's side.

"You are kidding me Maria, right?" I smiled and looked over to her if she would smile back. But she didn't.

Instead, she kept silent and got in the car. A shiver went down my spine. I hastily opened the passenger's door and sat down next to her.

"Where are they? Are they alright? Are they in a hospital? What happened? And when did it happen? Let's drive, quick! I gotta see them."

The words spouted off my mouth in a split of a second. If something serious happened with Mam and Dad, we didn't have to waste time.

"Calm down Zachary... please. Let me explain it to you."

"What is there to explain? We don't have to waste time Maria. Get a move on!" I gesticulated wildly with my arms around me that she would finally start the engine.

"It's too late Zac, your parents... are dead. They died in a car accident yesterday evening. I couldn't tell you earlier because you were already on your way home. And we didn't want to worry you on your homeward journey, coz you couldn't have changed anything anyway Zac."

"We? Who is we? Where is Taylor? Why didn't he come?"

She sighed about my impatience.

But how could I be patient with coming home and learning horrible news like that? 

"I'm talking about Taylor and me, Zachary. Your brother Taylor and I got the news yesterday evening from the accident hospital. He didn't come because he is in shock Zachary. That's why I came to pick you up and drive you home. Taylor stayed at home..."

I didn't listen to more of her words, I already had teared the passenger door opened again and ran out of the car.

"Zachary..." I heard Maria's yelling voice shouting after me, but I didn't stop. I needed to see Taylor, I had to talk to him. I didn't care if Maria's car would have brought me faster at home, but I just couldn't sit there, waiting quietly until she was ready to go.

The last mile I could manage by myself somehow. I ran through the streets of Pasadena, didn't care about my tears falling down my face which I wasn't able to stop. I ran home.

My heart beat so fast and hard that I could feel every heartbeat like a hard hit on a drumkit...

As I finally reached our house, I already heard Maria's car arriving behind me, left the front door open for her but didn't stop. I stormed into the house and ran upstairs towards Taylor room.

"Taylor, Tay where are you?" I shouted.

The door of Taylor's room was closed. I began to pound against his door in panic.

"Taylor! It's me Zac." I shouted again.

"Go away Zac. Please." Taylor's tearful voice came from inside.

"Taylor, please. I gotta talk to you. Open the door!" I cried.

"I can't talk to you now Zac. Please go away, please..." He cried louder this time.

"But Taylor..." I sobbed.

I felt Maria's hand on my shoulder and turned confused around to her.

"Zachary, please give your brother time. He can't talk to you right now. Let's go downstairs, we have to talk about some important things."

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't understand Taylor. I couldn't understand what happened.

Why didn't he want to talk with me? I wanted to hear from him what happened. Why didn't he let me in?

Maria repeatedly told me to go down with her.

I followed her very reluctantly. I didn't want to let Taylor alone. My face and my clothes were sweaty from running, my shirt was soaked from my tears. I didn't expect that my homecoming from the summer camp would be like that.

I came home and didn't have parents anymore. And now Taylor didn't want to talk with me. What have I done wrong?

Maria gave me a few minutes to calm down and then we sat down in the Living room. I realized that I wouldn't get to know more details if I didn't listen to her.

She laid his hand around my back and let me cry for a while. I felt pathetic. I couldn't even remember the last time I cried. I didn't want Mam and Dad to be dead. They were such great persons and have been always fair to us. They didn't deserve to die at such a young age.

"I'm so sorry for your loss Zachary. But please understand that Taylor needs time to handle their death in his own way. You can't expect him to talk with you if he is not ready for it. Everyone has another way to deal with death. And Taylor has a different way to deal with it than you Zachary. We have to give him time. But to arranging the matters about your parents death, I need help from one of you boys. Taylor isn't ready to speak yet, that's why I need you Zachary. You know that me and my husband will move away in a few days. Until then you have to arrange these matters. I will help you, but you have to call your relatives in Tulsa and inform them about the happenings. That's the first thing we have to do. Afterwards you will go upstairs with me and pick out some decent clothes from your parents which they'll need. And it is a tradition to hang up a crape at the front door. We need a black ribbon for that. But one thing after another."

"I don't know Maria, I can't do this without my brother." I said, all these information were so much at that moment.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Zachary, listen. I know that it's hard for you and Taylor, but you have to arrange these matters now. You have to arrange these matters properly for your parents Zac. You have to be the strong one now! I'll tell you what you have to do, but you have to arrange the funeral preparations. Your parents need you and your care about their matters now, do you understand that?"

I didn't know what to say. I agreed, even though I couldn't understand why Taylor wasn't here with us. The news about our parents death hit me hard, as much as it was hard for him.

Why did I have to arrange everything without him?

I wanted to be there for him. I wanted him to be there for me. I wanted us to share our pain and sorrow.

But he wasn't here.

He told me to go away and I didn't know what I had done wrong to him...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6 days later

My life had changed in the last week. It felt to me as if I wasn't the same person I usually was anymore, coz I couldn't laugh anymore. The funeral of our parents has been two days ago and Maria and her family moved away yesterday. Taylor still hadn't talk to me, even though I tried to talk with him over and over again.

He always wanted to be alone and avoided me. Every time I tried to talk to him, he mumbled something about he would go to play some music in the garage, walked away from me and locked himself in it. I couldn't understand him.

How could he play music but not talking with me about what happened? 

I knew that another reason why he locked himself in the garage was to cry. He didn't want to share his grief with me and it made me even more sad. I knew that Taylor could always lock himself away if he wanted to be in his own little Taylor world. Lying on a couch with closed eyes, with big headphones on and listening to music for hours, all caught up in his dream world was one of his typical features. I did not mind that my brother was a dreamer until this very time in my life. Coz I needed him now and he wasn't there.

Our friends and grand parents from Tulsa came and a few of them had stayed in a hotel for a few days.

As Taylor still wasn't responsive, they talked with me. They wanted me to move back to Tulsa. They knew that Taylor's future would be here in California, but I was only 16 years old.  
But I didn't want to move back to Tulsa. I didn't want to be without Taylor. And I didn't want to leave him alone. I was sure that he would talk with me again, I just needed to give him time like Maria said.

Our grandparents didn't like the idea to leave two Teenager boys alone in Pasadena, but they also knew that they couldn't force us to go with them. In conversations which didn't seem to end about living expenses and how we could keep the house, I finally managed to convince them that Taylor and me could stay in our parental home. I wanted us to be there for each other and heal our common grief.

Added to that, I didn't want to impose on our grandparents at their age. I was relieved when they finally accepted my decision after a long exhausting talk and went back home again. As much as Tulsa had always been our beloved hometown, I knew that Taylor wouldn't get happy if we move back. And I wouldn't get happy without him.

I hoped that the course of time would fix Taylor's and my wounds and that he would realize how much we need each other.

I slept the last night alone in the tree house. Actually, I was waiting for Taylor until he would finally came out of the garage yesterday evening. But I was fallen asleep after hours of waiting for him and didn't hear anymore when he finally came out and went back into the house.

I was thinking back about the last days, the funeral, our grandparents and our friends which heaped us with their visits of condolence. Mam and Dad lost their lives in a car accident. That was all I knew. Maria didn't tell me more details, she said it would only hurt me more and wouldn't change anything. I wanted to know everything, I didn't like the fact that in that case I felt treated like a child, even though I had to arrange Mam and Dad's funeral preparations without Taylor. But it felt like I had no choice than to accept her decision. I knew that Maria was a good friend of our parents and she meant it well. I wouldn't have known what there was to do if she didn't instruct me.

Currently, I didn't know with how much more I could deal with anyway. Everything I had to endure the last week was so much for me. I wanted to ask Taylor what he knew, coz he was here when the car accident happened but he denied to talk with me. There were so many questions left of which I wanted answers.

It caused a heavy pain in my heart that Taylor didn't give us a chance to be there for each other. It would have been easier to go through all of this if he was here.

Even though I was sure that I made the right decision to stay with Tay in California, I felt lonely. I wanted to talk to him so badly.

I was still lying on the wood floor of the tree house which I finished building up with Dad a few weeks ago, crying silently as I suddenly heard the slamming of the front door from our house.

In an instant, I jumped up and and hurried over to the security handrail next to me. What I saw shocked me. Taylor was walking away from our house entrance, a suitcase carrying in his hand.

He wanted to go away.

"Taylor!" I shouted. "Where are you going?"

As he heard my shout, he stopped and winced. He looked like he was thunderstruck. Slowly, he turned around to me and looked up to me in the tree house. I could see his scared and tearful face from afar.

What is wrong with him? I panicked.

"Stay there,Taylor!" I yelled. I moved fast, coz what I saw in his expression made it clear to me that he would ran away.

Instead of saying anything, he suddenly turned around and ran away as if I frightened him. He ran away from me, our parental home, our home, from everything...

"Taylor, stay here! Don't go away!" I shouted again.

Hurriedly I ran over the wooden ladder and almost jumped it completely down. I didn't realize that I've been too boisterous with my intention until I heard a cracking noise under me and the sprung on which I stood gave in. I fell on the ground and scraped my left knee, but I didn't care. As fast as I could I jumped up and ran across the garden to follow him.

"Taylor!" I yelled again and tears of panic and fear ran down my face. I didn't want to be alone.

Where did he want to go? Why did he want to leave me? 

But when I had finally reached our driveway, I could not see him anymore. He was gone.

"Taylor where are you? Please don't leave me!" I screamed out as loud as I could before I fell down on my knees.

Nobody knew how much I cried that day when Taylor left me.

Realizing that my brother which I needed so badly was gone, I suddenly knew from one day to the other that my childhood was over...


	30. Chapter 30

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

I found myself in a district of Los Angeles about 20 minutes later in which I haven't been before yet. As I looked around, I saw nothing but night clubs and sex shops one after another. Young women lightly clad were standing on the sidewalks, keeping an eye out for every car that drove past them.

What are we doing here?

I knew that I told Blade to drive wherever he wanted to, but I didn't expect that he would use the first opportunity to head directly into a Red Light district...

He wasn't looking for some short time pleasure right now, wasn't he?

God, please tell me that isn't true.

I watched him for a moment, contemplating if I should ask him about his plans when he suddenly steered the car towards a car park and commanded;

"Bend down Taylor!"

What the fuck did he want?

"Why? What are we doing here?"

"Listen, if you put value on your fucking public reputation, then bend down or slide deeper into your seat now that no one will see you, got it?"

I still couldn't see a sense in his actions so far, but I knew it better than to risk another discussion. I obeyed and slid down in my seat as far as I could. He was right that I really didn't want to know what the gossip rags will write when they would catch me somewhere in this district. Not to mention what Natalie's family would say when they would get to know about that.

I could already see the big headlines in my mind,

"Taylor Hanson visiting a brothel one day after his pregnant wife got killed."

That could only be a lowbrow, bad joke.

Blade steered his Lamborghini into the car park and told me that I could come up again. He parked his car in a parking lot on the top level of the car park and got out of it without comment.

He still didn't answer my question. I watched him walking to the other side of the car and opening the door for me.

"Where are we here?" I asked again before removing my my seat belt and taking my bag.

"My hotel," was his short answer. He slammed the car door behind me once I got out of the car and used the central locking to lock it.

I held my breath for a moment, he had a hotel in this district? Evidently, it was not just a hotel, I could already recognize from outside that it was a brothel. He couldn't deceive me about that.

So my brother was a brothel owner? What was he, a male prostitute?

I definitely didn't want to spend a night in a brothel, on the other hand, I was curious about my brother's other life.

I didn’t want to regret my decision that I chose Blade over Andrew’s offer, that I entrusted my life to someone I barely knew. Deep down, I still hoped to know Blade more, I think it was also my curiosity about him that made me choose to stay under his protection.

Maybe I would already get the chance to get to know somewhat more about him...

I decided not to probe about it at the moment and walked with him towards the elevator.

"What about Bandito?" I asked him.

"I have to bring you safe in first, then I'll go for him. Come on, it's better to go down the stairs."

He answered when we reached the elevator. He passed by me, hurried towards the staircase and looked around if anybody was there, but everything around us was quiet. The only noise I could hear was from outside. Music from some night clubs which were somewhere far deep under us...

I followed him silently, thinking about his words that he wanted to leave me alone after he brought me in. After the video we watched at home, I definitely didn't want to be alone, not even for a minute.

But I also didn't want to tell him about my fear...

We went downstairs until we reached a long hallway with several doors on each side and weird looking painted pictures on the walls hanging among them.

After he checked if the area was "clean" like he said, he told me to pull off my jacket.

I followed his instructions, even though I still had no idea what we were doing there. He took my jacket, then he covered my head with it, laid his arm around my shoulder and steered me into the hallway of the brothel.

Somehow, I felt like a criminal in that stupid disguise, but I didn't want to get seen in a brothel, especially not one day after my wife got killed.

For me it was one of those moments in which I wished I could live a little more like a normal person with an unknown face who wouldn't need to hide his face.

Because wherever I went, I always had to expect to get recognized, everywhere in the world... and it wasn't always easy to deal with that.

What was he planning to do now? Make an end of everything and shoot me in my disguise?!?

Stop it Taylor, you wanted to show him your trust! I commanded myself.

I tried to hold back the emotions which are about to consume me. Eventually, I promised to myself that I wouldn't give up on him. I would do my best to have my little brother back. I’d do whatever it takes to have his trust again.

His actions were mostly hard to read though.

I sighed relieved when he shut the door behind us and pulled the jacket off of me. We were in a large hotel room and as I looked around, I saw one large bed on one side, a few couches on the other side and a big desk with an executive chair behind it opposite the couches.

There was sign on the door with big letters, it said "Office".

I swallowed. Obviously, my brother was not only a male prostitute. I already foreshadowed it since he told me that this is his hotel, but I didn't want it to be true and hoped he was just kidding. With his behaviour I wouldn't even have been surprised if he had only planned to lay some prostitute here... but to visit a brothel for some short time pleasure and actually work in this business are two totally different categories.

How had my brother's life taken such a deep course? And why did Skye think that Blade would be the right Bodyguard for me if he knew about his private life?

He hired a pimp for me before he even knew that he was my brother... Sure he said that Blade helped him when he got mugged, but after all he should protect me and not pull me into something criminal...

On the other hand, I knew that I couldn't judge Blade for what he had become... I was partly responsible for that anyway, if not even completely...

The news that my own brother was a brothel owner hit me hard.

How could he deal with leading a dark life like that? It was hard for me to imagine that he could actually be lucky with it.

I watched him attentively going to the other side of the room to the big desk in the corner of the room. He opened a drawer, pulled a knife out of it and suddenly walked with it in his hand towards me.

What the hell? Why did he have a knife in his desk?

I suddenly got afraid that he was more criminal than I expected.

What if he wanted to kidnap me? Or use me to make money? Eventually, he knew how famous I was. Maybe he even saw me like a cash cow for his brothel to take revenge..?

The imagination made me sick and afraid. I just couldn't get the worries out of my head. He was starting to really creep me out.

"Blade...? What are you up to?" I piped up, finally finding my shaking voice.

I was scared of him. My brother's ominous behaviour seemed to knock the wind right out of me. His dark eyes looked daggers at me as he walked toward me and I wasn't able to move.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I couldn't take it for granted that just because he cared about his dog did mean that he would spare me...

Did he want to stab me now? What was he planning to do with me?

"Get out of my way, Blondie!" He snapped out, shoved me aside as I didn't move and walked past me towards the bathroom.

I let out a almost inaudible, but relieved sigh as I realized that he didn't want to threaten me with that knife. It was still hard for me to see through his actions though.

He came out of the bathroom a moment later, carrying a wall mirror in his arms and the knife between his teeth.

If I didn't see the scene with my own eyes, I probably would believe nothing of that. In my current state, I couldn’t help myself for being emotional. I was reunited with my brother after long nine years of being apart. Even though his actions were far different from the Zac I knew, I realized that there are things that could never ever be changed, our strong bond before. Our past.

He went to the other side of the room, shoved a big picture frame aside and a hidden safe appeared behind it. I couldn't see his movements, coz he had turned his back to me. All I could see was that he opened the safe through a combination lock and put the mirror and the knife into it afterwards.

I finally got his actions as he locked the things into the safe. But they also showed me that he still didn't trust me that I would do any harm to myself.

"I'm gonna go for Bandito and get some food for us. I'll be back in a few minutes." He informed me as he was finished and interrupted my steady inner conflict coz I suddenly felt how my heart began to race.

I didn't want to be alone!

Even though we weren't at home anymore, the video of my creepy Stalker had made me so anxious that I didn't know how to deal with the thought of being left alone, even if it would be only for a few minutes.

I didn't know how to tell him though.

Eventually, he was my little brother after all. If there was anyone who supposed to protect, then it should be me, not the opposite!

How should I ever get used to our twisted roles without feeling like a Loser?

He turned his back to me and walked towards the door. I felt my heart beating faster with every step he went away from me.

Please don't go..!

He opened the door, turned around to me and I wished my thoughts would have reached him via telepathy... or maybe some supernatural power between brothers which existed between us once, a long time ago...

I just couldn't bring myself to speak it out though. Has it actually went that far with me that I needed my younger brother as my bodyguard? Was it arrogant to think this way? I didn't want to think of it right now.

"I'm gonna lock the door. Don't worry Princess, you are safe here. I'll be back soon."

He informed me instead and with a last glance, he disappeared. I heard the locking of the keys in the keyhole shortly afterwards.

In a weird way his words and actions reminded me of the Zac I knew. I remembered the countless times he teased me to be girly and called me Blondie. I remembered the times which he would suddenly do or say unexpected things to me. Sure he's always beaming with sarcasm, but he hasn't been that nasty.

I sighed, went over to the couch, put my bag down and sat down because my legs were shaking again. I couldn't even remember anymore the last time I ate something. After the cruel events from the last two days, a few of my memories had became blurry. Even though I wanted to regain psychic strength, I could feel that my body was slowly getting weaker and my hands were shaky and cold as ice. I felt so exhausted after another horrible day which didn't seem to end. I didn't even mind his teasing coz I didn't have the strength to get upset about it anymore.

Rubbing my temples, I sat there and closed my eyes for a while, trying not to think about the fact that I was alone. What would I do without my fantasy in moments like this?

[](http://www.directupload.net)

A few minutes later, which felt like a eternity for me, I finally heard the noise of the keys again in the keyhole and my brother was back, with Bandito in one arm and two pizza boxes with two cans of soda on them in the other.

He shut the door with a kick of his shoe behind him, then walked into the room and put the Pizza boxes with the soda cans down next to me before he carried Bandito in a corner of the room where he carefully put him down on a blanket.

Actually, I wanted to stand up and get over to them, but I wasn't sure if my legs would carry me that far.

I watched him stroking Bandito's head caressingly. The sight touched and hurt me again at the same time.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Fore sure I could understand that Zac was angry that his dog was hurt by the man who burgled into our home because of me.

He took his black leather jacket away from Bandito who was still sleeping and threw it towards the armchair behind the desk.

Then he took his back pack down and came back to me. He sat down, grabbed one of the Pizza boxes and a soda can.

"The other one is for you," he said as if I didn't know it already. I just couldn't imagine to get something into my weak and empty stomach though. I knew I would feel guilty if I would eat something currently.

Actually, I should be having dinner with my wife at home... who was now at a place where I couldn't follow her. To think about her cruel death choked my throat so much that it was impossible for me to swallow any food in my current state.

"Thanks, but I'm not hungry." I tried to explain, hoping he would leave it at that.

"You should eat something, Taylor." He said, took a slice of pizza and champed at the bit like it was nothing.

"Why do you care?" I frowned at him. I didn't want to get forced to something I didn't want.

"I don't want to carry you around all the time once you're not able to walk on your own anymore."

He answered dryly. So this was it.

I guess I should have expected his reaction.

How could I still hope he would care about me after all?

I didn't know how to make the awkward situation better, so I took the soda can, opened it and drank a sip of it.

Then I bent down and took my cigarettes out of my bag. I knew that smoking couldn't help to fade away all the cruel happenings, but maybe it would at least help me to soothe my nerves a little.

"Mind if I smoke here?"

"It's your life, blondie." He answered indifferently and continued impassive munching away on his pizza.

Yeah, sure.

I lit up my cigarette and we spent the following minutes in silence.

When he was finished he stood up, took my pizza box and went over with it to Bandito.

Apparently, the smell of the pizza and the salami had woke him up again and as soon as Zac had squatted down and the carton laid on the floor in front of him, he began eagerly eating my pizza up.

"I'm sorry for what happened to Bandito." I apologized to his back. I wanted Zac to know that I cared for what happened to his dog.

"It isn't your fault what happened to him. If there is someone to blame about it, it's me." He replied. I was surprised by his words. I didn't expect that he would blame himself about it.

"No, it's not. It was my Stalker."

Somehow it was a steady up and down between us and I didn't know how we could get to the next step. As long as he was so cold to me, I didn't know how I could open up to him.

He didn't reply something to my last sentence, but I didn't expect him to.

"It's bedtime." He stated after Bandito was finished eating as well and changed the subject to something else as he stood up.

I was already longing for some relaxation and sleep since a few hours, but after the creepy video we watched at home, I somehow had skipped the spot of tiredness because it had turned into a state of fear and worries.

"Where can I sleep?" To be honest I didn't really want to know who all had sat or lied on these couches before, they didn't look dirty but the fact that this was a brothel kind of disgusted me to sleep on a couch here. Internally, I hoped that I wouldn't have to sleep on one of them.

"The bed is yours. I will sleep on the couch." He said and I sighed relieved, the bed looked clean at least.

I put the cigarette stub in the almost empty soda can. Then I took my bag, stood up and walked slowly over to the bed on the side of the room beside a huge window pane, hoping my legs wouldn't give in. Tiredly, I sat down on one side of the bed and put my bag on the nightstand next to me, coz I planned to write something before sleeping like usual. Actually, I shouldn't forget to brush my hair and my teeth before going to bed but it was one of those days in which I was just too tired. 

The nightly street lights from outside looked like colorful small spots in the darkness from our view. I knew that I could let drift myself away within seconds, only by watching them from afar. I could always gaze into distances for hours without getting bored... it was one of the ways how some of my songs had come to life.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Sometimes, I think there would be more good people in this world if they would also have an eye for details and beautiful sights. There are so many interesting places in this world. In my mind, I tried to catch the beautiful view of the Los Angeles nightlife as if I would catch it with one of my camera's.

Only one day ago, I had given a fantastic show here, shortly before my life had taken a change...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I didn't realize that I already got carried away as Zachary pulled me out of my dreaminess and back to reality.

"Come over here, I have to tie your wrists over the night again." He suddenly informed me.

"No, definitely not! I'm not gonna sleep tied again!" I shook my head, taken aback by his statement, I immediately knew that he wasn't kidding.

"It's only a security measure that you won't try to kill yourself while I'm sleeping."

"I won't kill myself." I assured him.

"How shall I fucking know that Taylor?"

"Trust me. I won't do it."

"Trust? I don't trust you farther than I can spit. You don't fucking trust me, so why should I trust you?!?"

I didn't know what to respond to that, coz I knew deep inside that he was right. It wasn't possible to build up trust in that brief span which we had spent with each other so far. Everything that I would say now wouldn't work with him, but I definitely didn't want to spend another night tied to a bed, especially not in a brothel and with the knowledge that he was a pimp...

He sighed irritably, turned away from me and shuffled towards the door. He locked the doors with his keys, then he went over to the couch where his back pack laid. He opened the zipper and took out something of it that I couldn't see until he was standing in front of me... with a pair of handcuffs.

"You wanted it that way." He blamed me and within a second he had pulled one of my wrists and one of his caught in each of them.

He was fucking insane, wasn't he?!? What’s wrong with him!?

With Blade around, I should always expect the unexpected. Now that I knew that my brother was a pimp, somehow some of his actions and behaviour began to make a weird kind of sense for me.

Did he treat women like a piece of meat too?

I honestly didn't even want to think about it. He plopped himself on the bed without another comment and I was forced to follow his movements.

"Take them off, I can't fucking sleep that way Blade!" I exclaimed angrily and tried to pull my wrist out of the handcuff, but it was futile.

"Then count fucking sheeps until you can!" He answered lazily, not even bringing the energy up to contemplate about my demand.

God, he was such a primitive idiot! I was offended, but I tried to keep it to myself.

I didn't want to waste time to think about this comment further, coz the sudden realization that I had to sleep in one bed with him disgusted me a little to be honest. Eventually, he was still a stranger to me and I didn't know how well he cared about regulary washing or if he had some contagious diseases when he worked as a male prostitute, pimp... or whatsoever.

That's why I somehow felt grossed out by his sudden closeness and the imagination to sleep with him in the same bed, even though he was my brother. He didn't even bother to pull off his sneakers.

I was tended to tell him to pull them out in bed at least, but would he do what I'd tell him? I guessed not. And I knew that I had lost right to act like his older brother because of leaving him back then...

I couldn't help it though to ask him one last question for that night. He had laid himself comfortable next to me and his eyes were already closed.

"Blade...uhm when did you take a shower for the last time?"

I just needed to be sure to which kind of person I was forced to sleep next to, if I could sleep by his side at all...

"Which month do we have?"

I rolled my eyes. Was he fucking kidding me?

"I'm serious Blade!"

"Just because I'm not a fucking stuck-up prig like you, doesn't make me to a fucking hobo, your highness!"

He commented exaggerated and irritated at the same time. He reached down to his belt, pulled his gun out of it and shoved it under his pillow. Obviously, I managed to annoy him. Maybe I went too far with what I just said...? I wasn't sure if my sayings went too far, because he didn't say anything after that but the air between us had gotten thicker between us for a moment. I didn't even dare to look at him anymore. Somehow, his whole body language felt like a rejection toward me.

I had to admit it just wasn't easy for me to get used to the thought to sleep aside a possibly criminal pimp who slept with a gun under his pillow...

It still made me uncomfortable and afraid to be honest. I let out a quiet sigh, it just didn't make sense to discuss it with him and I had to distract myself from my worries if I wanted to find some relaxation at all.

Instead of contemplating about my brother, I rather wanted to spend the rest of the night in my own thoughts. It didn't take long until he was fallen asleep next to me and I lay there for a while silently watching the ceiling.

I couldn't avoid that loneliness hit me again. I knew that I would have to cry again if I'd just lay there and grieve about Hope and Natalie, so I decided to distract myself for a while. Quietly, I sat up and reached out for my bag with my free hand, took my diary and a pen out of it. I then put the bag down on the floor and tried to find a position in which I could write somehow without waking him up.

As I glanced over to Bandito, I saw that he was fallen asleep again, small rest pieces of melt cheese were sticking around his snout which made me smile a little.

Silently, I rubbed my eyes, turned my attention back to my book again, opened it and began to write...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Dear Diary,

I know I have the habit to live in a dream world from time to time. Usually, it is something of which I'm proud, because having fantasy makes your life richer and you never get bored, coz you know there is always a place of your own. Back then, my family used to say that I was in my own little Taylor world again. None of them was surprised when they found me lying on a couch with closed eyes minutes before I had to go out on stage. It's not only compensation to the daily routine, being a dreamer can also be helpful in bad times. Every dreamer knows what I'm talking about. We create our own fantasy, a world of our own imagination, of perfection. In my dream world I'm running through high grasses, Natalie and Hope Alexandria are holding my hands. All of us are lucky. It's like a endless happy dream that I never want to end. My parents and Zachary are there too. They are smiling, waving to us and we're running towards them. I've dreamed this dream a lot already, sadly we never reached them. I can even hear their voices calling us. In my vision, I can see them, reaching their arms out to hug us... but then I wake up.

Every time.

Some people think you are naive if you are a dreamer in this world. Well maybe, but does it make us to less good persons?

I don't think so. I never will.

I think it's also one of the reasons why I'm so purposeful when it comes to music, coz it's like a place where I can live out myself and my own written, created song lyrics about Love.

Love.

The only missing thing in my life I could never strong enough hold on to...

I'm wondering if Zachary will ever forgive me...

He's lying next to me, talking about persons I don't know in his restless sleep. I wish I'd know what he was dreaming of. If only he'd be willing to share a little of his own dream world with me...

Oh Zac, trust me I never wanted us to end that way...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I laid my diary aside and hid it under my own pillow. Carefully, I slid deeper a bit and looked over to Zac, then down to our wrists in handcuffs.

Slowly, I moved my fingers, could I?

I was hesitating, coz I wasn't sure if he'd wake up and scream and frighten me like he did before but the pain and yearning in my heart hurt so bad that I just couldn't do anything else than instinctively laying my hand in his as carefully and gently as I could.

He was my blood, my flesh.  
He was my brother.  
Forever...

I wouldn't be surprised if he knifed me while I slept tonight. Was it really safe to sleep here?

But when I woke up the next morning, the handcuffs were gone and so was Zac...


	31. Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Chapter contains adult non-consensual sex, so if that's too much, please don't read further. We fully understand that not everyone can write, read, or even listen about such scenes. The content does not affect the main plot in any way. Not reading the chapter will not impact the ability to follow this stories plot or central themes because this is a "dream" that Taylor is having.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I had a horrible nightmare that night. It was after a concert, Skye and I left the venue together but we lost each other in the tumultuous crowd. I signed autographs until my wrist was hurting, but instead of getting less, the press of people was getting bigger and bigger.

In the end, I couldn't handle them anymore and had no choice but to run away from them. Many girls and young women ran after me, I had to run as fast as I could until I finally got rid of them a few blocks later.

I was sweaty, my heart was beating fast and I ran out of breath but I forced myself not to stop.

I couldn't say what it was but something seemed to propel me. The streets through which I was running were lonely and abandoned, only a few street lamps threw obscure shadows and gave off small glimmers of light. In my eyes, the features of my image crumbled into an indefinable blur of colors. They morphed my view into an indefinite clutter. A bizarre clutter of light and shadows...

I didn't know why but I suddenly felt haunted. Haunted by a strange and faceless person.

Aimlessly, I ran through dark streets until I found myself in a strange district.

How do I get away from here? Why was not a soul to be seen?

"Taayylorr!"

All of a sudden, I heard a strange voice coming somewhere out of the darkness. I quickly turned around but I couldn't see anybody. Again, the voice resounded through the streets. I couldn't say from which direction it came, because it echoed equally from all directions.

"What do you want from me?" I shouted back.

But instead of getting a reply, the voice was getting louder and much closer than before. I panicked and ran with the last of my reserves until I saw a house with an illuminated advertising on its outside. It was the only house at which any lights were; probably why I felt attracted to it.

When I came closer, I saw an open door on the side of it and hurried towards it. The voice out of the darkness was getting louder with every step that I had to cover my ears the last few meters. Once I reached the entrance I saw that there was a person standing in the doorframe.

"Hello, would you help me please?" I shouted. Just then, I suddenly recognized that it was Zachary who stood there. Dressed almost completely in black, his hair tied into a ponytail and some dark, impenetrable sunglasses sat on his cold and serious face.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Zac!" I exclaimed, but he kept a straight face and didn't react. Once I stood next to him he shut the door and the loud shouting voice from outside became silent.

I wanted to ask him what was going on but he did not give me an opportunity. As soon as the door was closed he pushed me into the hallway and I fell down on the floor.

"My name is Blade, got it?!"

"Zac, what's all this about? What are you doing?"

I wanted to get up but he grabbed me and pulled me roughly on my legs.

"Get in there," He commanded, his tone totally flat.

I wanted to pull away but he grabbed my wrists and gave me no chance to fight back.

He ushered me through a long hallway past rooms that had golden numbers on each door. I could hear muffled noises out of those rooms, moaning and sometimes pleading voices from women and men. It scared me.

Timers on chairs in front of every room we passed, quiet ticking noises came from each of them. It seemed that they were for the people who were in those rooms with women and men. I had never seen anything like this before in my life. Until today, I only heard and read about human trafficking from newspapers and newscasts. I knew that human trafficking was the fastest growing criminal enterprise in the world and that it has become the most profitable industry after drug trafficking. It's indescribable what the victims must go through. I couldn't imagine a worse nightmare than that.

"Where are we going? Tell me where are you taking me to!" I shouted, not able to hide the fear in my tone anymore as he ushered me down some dark, creepy stairs.

"Shut the fuck up. Go on. Move your ass!" He barked sternly like I was his slave and shoved me forward downstairs. It was getting darker the deeper we went and I got scared. I had to give him full control over me; otherwise I would have fallen down. Without another word he shoved me into a dimly lit room. On the left side sat a few men on two couches and an armchair. I counted six of them; all of them were between 30 and 50 years old.

Two of them were smoking cigars; they smiled as they saw us coming inside and greeted my brother with a nod.

"Quite an impressive catch tonight, isn't it?"

As I heard Zachary's cold, toneless voice talking to them I felt shivers running down my spine. He shoved me under the light of the ceiling, apparently so they could have a better look at me.  
"Let go off me Zac!" I demanded seriously. Once again, I tried to free myself from his grip but I was powerless against him. Even though I was about an inch taller than Zac, he grew up with a better build than I did. I've been physically inferior to him since our teenager years.

"The entry price for this precious doozy is 200,000 dollars, which is also the sum he offered me; it’s how much I was worth to work for him."

One of the men raised his hand. "I bid 500,000 dollars."

I think I got off at the wrong station!

Did Zachary actually want to sell me to someone? He couldn't do that! Why did no one help me?

"I bid 2 Million. . .” A middle aged man with a full beard leered at me. My stomach churned. Those men that were facing us were actually interested in buying me!

How could someone buy another human...? That's awful. I was standing there looking at them speechless. My own pimp brother actually wanted to sell me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"I am of the opinion that this pretty glamour boy is definitely worth much more! So from whom do I hear 5 Million?" Zachary continued unimpressed, his tone remarkably nonchalant as if he sells human beings on a daily basis.

"That's way too expensive. No one will pay that much for someone." One of the men remarked, shaking his head in disagreement.

"I think you do. You don't get to see someone special like him any day, that's for sure!" Zachary retorted bluntly.

I wanted to throw up. His unscrupulousness seemed to have no limits. I looked at him shocked at the depths of deparvity my younger brother was sinking to.

This couldn't be real. Why didn't I awake of such a cruel nightmare?

"Please Blade... please let me go!" I tried to be polite for a last time.

"I bid 10 Million dollars."

A middle aged man who sat on an armchair in the right corner surprised everyone with his high bid.

"I'm drawing a blank on that one," relented the man next to him resigning. The others all looked disappointed. I swallowed hard and was completely taken aback.

Zachary couldn't really be serious about this, could he? He was my little brother, how could he do this to me?

They continued talking without paying attention on me and I stood there in trance, trying to digest what was happening. The other men stood up, walked past us and out of the room. Once they were gone, Zachary congratulated the highest bidder and let go off me to give him fire for a cigar.

I forced myself to react immediately and used the opportunity to run towards the door and shouted for help. But once I had yanked it open a black barking Rottweiler blocked the exit. He snarled at me and bared his white fangs so threatening that I walked backwards back into the room, unable to say anything.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Is Taylor always this dramatic?" The man who still sat on the armchair frowned at Zac.

"It's his inner diva." Zac merely shrugged. As he came over to me I wanted to run away from him. I didn't know what to do. But before I had the time to do anything, he had already grabbed me again. Roughly, he took my chin in one hand and turned it towards the man. Then he suddenly took a gun out of his belt and held it against my back.

"Smile for your new master Blondie, so that he can see your teeth." He commanded with a rough snarl and didn't let go off my chin.

"You are insane Zac!" I said, taken aback.

"You do what I tell you to do or you'll be shot." He threatened again, this time more loud and forceful.

I forced myself to smile some. It was strained and pretended but apparently it was enough for them.

"Are you happy? He looks even better than on photos and videos, doesn't he?"

When he spoke he looked straight into my eyes, intimidating me at times. If I looked away too long, he'd touch my chin and guide me back into his impenetrable dark shades.

"Yes. He is gorgeous." The man with the short curly hair stood up, came closer to us and stroked my cheek tenderly with the back of his hand. "From now on, you're my property, sweet babe."

"My name is Taylor and I'm no one's property!" I hissed through gritted teeth. I wanted to shout at them, I wanted to shout for help but Zac held me so firmly that I was unable to move and I felt his gun pressed into my back.

"Anyways, back to business. You'll get your blonde beauty for 10 Million but only after I test him first." Zac pulled me a bit away from the man.

He had to do WHAT??? I felt goosebumps running over my skin.

"That was not the deal!" The man answered. He did not seem to agree with Zac's statement. I was so intimidated by Zac's strange behavior that I just stood there, not wanting to believe what was happening. I didn't know what to do. They were trading me like a piece of meat.

"I always test them before my customers get it. Furthermore, I have a personal score to settle with this princess." He smirked some at this last sentence.

"For 10 Million greenbacks, I expect my merchandise fresh and unblemished."

"Then go to Disneyland. He is a famous singer who has millions of fans; this fairy princess slut probably already had sex with a couple of dozen groupies anyway."

"I did not! I am not someone like that, you ordinary asshole!" I shouted angrily. How dare he! No matter what I had done to him, I was his brother for Pete's sake! He sold his own flesh and blood without batting an eyelash.

"You only answer when spoken to!"

"All right. One more or less will not make a difference. How long will it take?"

"No longer than half an hour. How are you planning to pay for your purchase? I don't accept anything but cash."

"I'll go and get the money. I'll be back in about an hour."

"Good."

"You two are sick!" I screamed. I wanted to spit in their faces but he pulled me away before I had a chance to do it. I've never thought that something like that would happen to me. So far I've been confident and secure in who I was and felt solid in my ability to keep myself safe. Because of that, it was so much harder for me to speak up about it when it actually happened…

"Hey! Get ready rich bitch. Now it's my turn!" Zachary ushered me away from the man who gave me a wink before he left.

"Up yours!" I spat, after realizing that no pleas worked with them.

"It seems that the blonde curly-haired superstar needs to be get tamed before your buyer can receive you properly." He answered in a superior tone.

I wanted to throw up, to disappear, or escape. I tried to squirm away from him and he reinforced his grip. My optimistic instinct tried to convince myself that I could still get away. So I kept moving but without success; pure optimism couldn't help me to win a fight. I couldn't do anything and was forced to follow him defenselessly into an adjacent room.

I didn’t know what Zachary was planning to do, to be honest I didn’t really want to know it. Here I was getting what I deserved for depriving him of his childhood, his parents.

Because what I've done is all my fault. My fault alone.

Who could really say what was justice and what wasn't for what I've done? To have left a sixteen years old teenager to his own devices...

Zac shut the door behind him and pushed me towards a double bed in the middle of the room. He then locked the doors and turned to me. He took his dark sunglasses off and a smirk played around the corners of his mouth as he looked in my direction. His eyes were so dark and smoldering and the smile on his face which had always made me laugh in childhood days looked so mean and vicious now.

His body frame darkened the sight of the lamp as his dark shadow cast toward me. Cold shivers came over me in waves and I was freezing. I began to shiver and instinctively moved away from with every step he came closer. I've never been scared of my little brother before. Until today.

Zac could be a pretty terrifying guy when he wanted to be. What I experienced this night was the creepiest thing I've seen in my life.

"Zac, Blade... if you need money, I can give you however much you want. You just need to say how much and I'll write out a check."

He put his gun down on a small table in a corner and scoffed despiteful.

"Do you really believe you can pay your debt with money, Taylor? No, this time you're not going to ransom yourself and steal away. For once in your life you're going to face your problems and not run away."

"I'm still your brother Zac. You can't do this."

"You want to be my brother? You don't even know me!" He glared at me with such a scowl. I don't think I've ever received such a dirty look in my life.

"Then tell me what I can do for you, I'll do anything! I'll work my debt off for you, but please don't sell me Zac."

I almost couldn't believe my offer to work for him, but realizing how helpless I was, I was willing to do anything.

"No, I can't let you work for me here; your pretty face is too famous. I have other plans with you."

"What... what happen to you Zac?"

"What happened to me?" He scoffed again and stretched his arms out. "I grew up. THAT is what fucking happened!"

[](https://www.imageupload.co.uk/image/ZL2l)

"No. I don't recognize you anymore. Who are you?"

He walked to the foot of the bed after that question and stared down to me. His eyes were still dark and furious. I felt he wouldn't let me go. All his anger seemed to have absorbed any feelings for sympathy. He was glaring me like a wolf as he suddenly jumped over me and pushed me roughly into the sheets.

“How dare you ask me that?! Look at me! Do you know what you’ve taken away from me? You took away my fucking childhood you bastard! Look at my face! Did you even see me the morning you left? Did you see me at all? Tell me how I looked! Tell me that you saw my face! Did it ever fucking cross your mind that your little brother might not find it so funny to be left alone days after losing his parents? There’s an unwritten rule Taylor, families should be there for one another. Tonight, I take what you took me from. You are going to pay for what you’ve done to me. For what you did to me back then.”

I looked up to him scared; shifting unobtrusively more and more away from him with each sentence he spoke. I didn't know what I could do, so I digged my fingers into the satin sheets and grabbed them tightly to have at least something to hold onto.

"What do you want from me?" My voice was shaking terribly and I was so scared that even my hands were trembling.

"Your innocence. Just like you took mine. Nine fucking years Taylor, nine fucking years!"

I was frozen in shock when he actually unbuckled his belt and removed it, tossing it aside. I heard the buckle when it hit the floor. I went to rise up but felt him against me, pushing me back down. He was so absolutely sure of knowing what he wanted and that he was going to get it.

"Stay right there Taylor. You might be my big brother but from now on you do whatever I tell you."

I felt like I should have been able to protect myself, or should have been able to stop it, or should have been able to say “no” more often or more clearly.

"Let the fuck go off me Zac!" I ordered firmly.

I squirmed helplessly under him, my body and soul didn't want to relent. I tried to fight him off but he’s too strong for me. I didn't expect his brutal assault when he grabbed my collar and pushed the back of my head into the pillow. I had not expected the strength in his arms. His nostrils flare with beastly intent and I felt like his prey as his breath stroked over my face with each word he spoke directly in my face with the most contemptuous expression possible.

"You thought you wouldn't need to care about me. Your little brother is about to take revenge for what you've done to him. For all the injustice that little brother's experienced because of their older brother's which didn't give a shit about them. Unfortunately, the government does not do enough. So, I supplement it to keep things balanced. It's the day of reckoning! You're gonna bleed tonight. 'Cause today I'm gonna take what's mine."

"I'm sorry Zac. Please let’s talk..." I stuttered in shock about his violent outbreak.

"Talk? No Taylor. It's a little late to talk, don't you think? It's impossible to make up for nine fucking years with talking! No pathetic, hypocritical apology could ever excuse for that!"

Ignoring my pleas for mercy, he grabbed my waistband, undid my belt and my pants. During this he was holding me down with one hand and with a strong jerk of his other hand he was pulling down my pants and underwear. I trembled more as he removed them and tossed them across the room. The bed was soft and cold on my skin, the room softly lit.

My face flushed red and I instinctively covered my lower abdomen with my hands ashamed when he sat up to remove his leather jacket and shirt. I felt my skin burn with embarrassment as I could feel Zac's eyes on my most intimate, most private of all places and though there was maybe nothing to be ashamed of because he was my brother, I felt vulnerable being so exposed and the guilt and the shame were very real emotions.

"Zac, I'm sorry. Please don't do this." I whispered and tried to swallow the hard lump in my throat which made it harder for me to speak. My voice shivered so hard but I didn't care anymore.

"Don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining Taylor. Get ready to bleed rich bitch. My time has come."

He unzipped his pants and positioned between my legs, then he pulled my legs upwards, grabbed my hips and pulled me vigorously closer to him. I didn't want to see what he did but his movements were too surprising and unpredictable.

"Zac, I am your brother. Your family. You cannot have sex with your own brother."

"I don't give a damn who you are. Because of you I do not have a family anymore."

His indifferent, toneless voice scared me and I contemplated to beseech him again. But he was so hard and determined that I sensed no begging would work with him.

My brain started racing with panic. "Help..." I desperately screamed my head off. In an instant, he covered his hand over my mouth.

"Screaming does not help you Taylor, but if you don't stop resisting, I will have to handcuff you to the bed. So do you behave now, princess?"

My eyes got wet and teary. I could only nod under his firm grasp. Finally, he took his hand away from my mouth. I took a deep breath of air, trying my best to compose myself somehow.

I didn't want to see what he was doing but I was scared to close my eyes at the same time.

Silently, he sat up, sniffed back his snot noisily, and then spit into his left hand. Apparently, it was all that he planned to use as lube. It was primitive, it was gross. His motions were aggressive and deliberate like an animal preparing for a feast.

I wanted to prepare myself of what was about to happen, but I couldn't. I guess no one could ever be prepared for such an offence.

My younger brother wanted to rape me and there was no escape. I knew he was going to do it.

Once he moistened his saliva on his cock, he pushed my legs higher. I pressed my legs together and he straddled them like I was a girl. I panicked, because I never had anal sex before. Also, I couldn't deny that the size of his cock made my fear even worse. The whole thing was so big. I knew for sure it would hurt badly.

"Stop it Zac. This is a crime. I'll report this offence."

"Oh he's back on his senses. Resistance is futile, beauty."

"Stop it, or I'll have to arrest you."

"Arrest me? But you were too afraid to do anything a while ago."

"Please let me go."

"Don't worry. I'll make you forget everything. Stop resisting prissy princess. I am going to fuck you hard whether you like it or not. I'm gonna put my cock deep inside you. Your ten million dollar ass is my reward."

At this point, I told him to stop in the most serious tone I could utter; I fought more because I did not want that. My back arched up, but his weight kept me pinned down. He kept spitting in his hand and wiping it on me. He told me I wasn't wet enough, and kept smacking me down there. Then he stuck it in. As I felt the tip of his cock pressing forcefully against my ass, I screamed out in pain, terribly frightened. I just couldn't suppress it as he forced himself inside me without any preperation. I remember everything. The way he smelled, his face. All I could do was analyze the situation. It felt so unreal. He lifted my bottom half up and told me to watch as he raped me.

Without a warning he kept on pushing his manliness in me. The pain was unbelievable. I thought my butt would tear open. Deeper and wider it stretched and I was crying and pleading for him to stop. I felt his cock slide up inside of me farther than I thought possible until his lower abdomen was fully pressed against my ass. It felt like it was hitting my stomach.

"Fucking little gay slut, you have a pussy ass" he groaned. "It's made for getting fucked."

I didn't realize how deep a cock could go. I closed my eyes and let him. I realized I had stopped crying. He carried on for what felt like forever.

"Zac, please stop it..." I whimpered. His cock was pushed so deep inside me. I couldn't bury my face in the pillow deep enough to muffle my cry for mercy. Desperate, I tried to reach for the nightstand, hoping to find something to hold onto, but he pressed his hand firmly on my chest when he felt me try to free myself.

"Shut up or I'll shoot you in the face." He shouted into my face. I flinched and my eyes widened in terror. As I looked up to him into his dark eyes, I suddenly saw that there was a tear running down his face. He still looked angry but he was crying. It was creepy.

Why was it so creepy to see Zac crying?

It took him a few minutes of forceful thrusting to penetrate me and reach orgasm. He didn’t go slowly, he didn’t use lubrication, he didn’t ask for consent, he didn’t check-in before, during or after, he never stopped to see if I was OK.

"Hold on, it hurts. Please Zac, I need a minute." I pleaded over my shoulder through gasping breaths.

"I say how hard you're getting fucked, bitch!" was his merciless response. He never stopped. He just held me down with my arms and the fucking continued.

His hard thrusts hit a sensitive spot in me of which I did not even know that it existed and I felt more defenseless the more he aimed against it. "Zac, oh god... what are doing with me?"

"Fucking the innocence right out of you what I've should have already done years ago."

Gasps and moans which I had tried to suppress until that point were uncontrollably tumbling my lips. I felt ashamed and embarrassed because it seemed that my vulnerability turned him on, but I just wasn't able to stop what was happening to me. I was vulnerable to his advances. My younger brother had full control over me.

"Hold still princess. We're nowhere near finished. Yeah, that's it." He growled in a dominant tone, his hands keeping such a strong hold on my hips to prevent me moving away. I did not have any chance to free myself from his firm grip.

"Please don't thrust so much..." I yelped as he accelerated the pace. He kept fucking me so hard that I reached to a point when I thought I couldn't take this anymore and nearly passed out. The pain was so intense it was almost numbing. He called me a princess and fucked me like I was a whore.

"You're moaning and squeaking like a chick Taylor. Why am I not surprised?"

I felt my cheeks heaten up with shame and wanted to tell him to shut up but I thought I was really going to die so I stopped fighting him. I was so scared, I just gave up and I thought that if I just did what he wanted I would just be raped and I wouldn't die. I hate myself for this. I let him do what he wanted. He was so brutal and ruthless that I couldn't do anything.

Helplessly, I was gripping the sheets so tightly my knuckles had turned white. His touch became more and more aggressive and greedy with every thrust in me.

I didn’t try to fight him off anymore or struggle to get away. I was too shocked by what was happening. I froze. I dissociated. My mind shut down momentarily and I imagined myself in the back yard of my home, sitting in the grass, waiting for the assault to be over. I remember feeling cold and paralyzed and wanting to look up at the sky. My mind went somewhere else so that it could spare my body the weight of having to deal with the rape. It was strange. My body knew what was happening but I couldn’t make sense of it all. It’s like I didn’t feel like I could do anything about it, so I just shut down until it was over.

In the end he lifted his head up, clinched his teeth as his panting grew deeper and with one last thrust he shoved it up my ass and held it still.

I couldn't feel the cum but after he pulled out and moved away, I rushed into the adjacent bathroom to the toilet and blood and cum was leaking out of me. I just sat there and cried. I couldn't believe what my younger brother had done to me.

I cleaned myself up and came out of the bathroom a little while later, the room was empty though. Zac was gone and his pistol too. He wasn't there anymore but I could still smell him on me. Silently crying, I sat down on the bed. My backside was so sore I couldn't even begin to express how much it hurt.

My heart was still pounding fast from the worse experience and I was freezing. There were stains of blood on the white sheets and I had pressure marks on my hips from where he held me.

I wanted to burn the sheets in hope to erase the memories, but I felt so exposed in my naked body that I just wanted to cover me. It took me two attempts to grab them and wrap my vulnerable self into them because my hands couldn’t stop shaking.

Could we ever wipe away the shame we just brought into the blood of our family?

"Zac, what have you done with me?" I sobbed and wiped my tears away with the sheets. He never made feel so defenseless and totally submissive to him before. I was left ultimately vulnerable. I so felt dirty and humiliated, I didn't want to feel anymore. I wanted to scream, I wanted to burst in tears, I wanted to kill myself... but all I could do was to stare at the wall in silence.

I startled as I suddenly heard a knock at the door. I didn't want to see anyone in my vulnerable state. Like a timid fawn I jumped up and shifted to the far most possible corner of the bed. The last thing I could remember was the noise of the creaking door when it slowly opened and I recognized the dark frame of a person standing in the doorframe.

Who was it? My stalker? The man who bought me, or Zachary...?


	32. Karen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback Chapter about Blade's Army experiences.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade: (Age 23)

Our team and the rest of the troops of other soldiers came to rescue a small town in El Salvador which got badly affected by a strong hurricane. When we first saw the effect of the hurricane, all of us were speechless. I had never seen such a scale of devastation before.

Looking at how huge the hurricane’s damages were, we barely even knew how and where to start our clearing operation. It wasn’t like any other rescue operation we did, coz what we saw was a total blast out community.

It was almost impossible to go in the middle of the town, the streets were clogged with trees and destroyed houses, bridges were broken and the electricity didn't work anymore since the last 24 hours. We had to climb out from the heavy equipped car we used several times to clear the clogged roads and build temporary bridges for us to reach the center of the town.

It was past 5 pm when we reached our location of assignment. Immediately, all of us worked and proceeded on our operation. The dark sky and rain gave us difficulty on our search, but all of us didn’t get bothered. Our only focus was to see if there were injured individuals anywhere that we could still save. All of us went back and forth to search for people to rescue.

The sight of the ruined community was a very sad view to see. We knew that we could only save a small part of all the ones who survived. Many people already had lost their lives in the storm of the Hurricane.

It was heart breaking to watch all those desperate people who had survived around me. Most of them were crying, shocked and scared. They had lost their loved ones, their homes, their belongings.  
Everything they owned...

In their despair, many people were pleading us to find their relatives. But we soldiers weren't gods. We couldn't resuscitate the Hurricane victims who already died because of the storm. 

We could only settle a bit of the damage. 

We heard screaming from everywhere, all of us knew that we wouldn't be able to save them all in one move, what we could only do was to work as fast as we could with concentration and forced calmness for us to be able to think tactically. There was no room for us to grieve for them, we couldn’t get carried away. We could never take back the lives that would be lost if we would be negligent. Time was very essential, every moment could take away another life...

Another storm would be coming soon, so we were hard-pressed for time and tried to save as much as we could. Some of Red's and my teammates already had a mental breakdown because of exhaustion.  
I couldn’t blame them, I was also beginning to feel my physical strength declining.

We’ve been working for 48 hours monitoring the areas that could be affected and then working on them as planned after the hurricane passed. My body felt weak, but I worked as if I just woke up from a long night of peaceful sleep like what I always did in every assignment of my team. I could never waste time to think about my bodily needs on our operation.

I knew at that point, I wasn’t working for the challenge alone, I wasn’t working to challenge death of how far I could go until it would take me away as well. Coz at moments like these, I was working from the heart which I thought had died years ago. To know that I was doing something important and useful made me realize that I was still capable of feeling and that I was worth to live after all. 

If I couldn't save my own lost soul, then I could do it for other people. It was a thing I was willing to give my life for. Every day, every minute of my life. If I knew I could save a life, but might die for it, I would do it without hesitation. Because, no matter how it would end, I knew that I have done the right thing. And that knowledge would give my twenty three year old self peace...

If you want to become a soldier, it was important to be aware of that all the time. Otherwise, you would only waste your time and impede your team mates.

My work as a soldier gave me the meaning of living back. It made me forget the feeling of loss about my own family and being pushed off from my older brother. I didn't walk through this world with sorrow in my heart.

My strength was revived through my will of saving lives. And my best companions Santiago and Bandito who were always by my side.

I heard Red shouting to his team commanding them to go and check each house whether it was still standing or not, to see if there were survivors left, even animals. I was glad that I had Bandito with me, he could easily sniff on the area and help me on finding bodies and survivors.

I turned my head and watched the people around me. There was a mother looking for her lost children, a child looking for her parents and even a police man who was searching for his family members. I’ve seen many dead people in the past but it was always painful to see innocent lives to be taken away just like that. Every normal human being, even if they had no power and capability at all would feel the urge to do something to help by the sight of that. 

Human remains we gathered were laid on the road side which we cleared. We put them on black and thick plastic covers for the teams from the health department and the Local officials who would do the identification. The line of the dead remains was already fifty meters long and that was just the beginning.

I looked over the area again for appraisal, I was standing on a dirty ground, beside a river. Its current was running fast but it wasn’t too wide, just approximately 5 meters. I saw that there were community members who needed help on that part. However, I knew that it would be difficult for us to swim over it in order to go to the other side, so I commanded my team to create a small bridge that we could use.

When we were finished and reached the other side, I immediately saw a man who was trying his best to push away a small wall of brick that was covering his right leg. Hurriedly, with the help of my co-soldier, we pushed the brick away as Red pulled the poor guy. Quickly I inspected his wounds, there was a long and deep cut on his skin, his leg was badly injured. 

He needed immediate medication so I applied first aide on his leg before bringing him to the other side of the river. I knew that all of us needed to move fast, so without hesitation, I carried the poor guy by myself on my shoulder.

I was in the middle of the tiny bridge we created when I suddenly heard a scream. Instantly, I looked to the direction of where the scream might come from and I almost dropped the man I was carrying when I saw a little girl screaming at me, asking for help. She was holding on the rope that was probably tied on the river for emergencies such as strong hurricanes. I didn’t know how she got there, and it wasn’t the right time for me to even think about it.

Her scream was deafening my ears. She was so damn near me but I couldn’t do anything. I ran in haste hoping that I’d have enough time to come back for her. I frantically carried the badly wounded man on my shoulder as I walked to the tiny wood. The wind and rain were heavy, the dirty current kept on banging her small frame. 

“Don’t let go of the rope, I’ll come back for you, I promise!” I shouted out to my lungs. I didn’t look back at her to see if she understood what I said, I just concentrated on walking fast.

I gripped the man’s midrib tightly, he was heavy, I assumed heavier than me, but I tried to carry him the fastest I could. During our combat training we often had to walk long marches through forests carrying back packs packed with heavy weights on our backs to stay fit and be prepared for emergencies like this. I needed to go back and rescue the little girl before it’s too late. The little kid’s scream was all I could think of as I ran fast to go back to the rope where I last saw her, but my composure dropped for a second when I found the rope empty. It was swinging back and forth because of the strong current. 

Not losing hope, I ran to the other side to search for her.

“Red, I need help!” I yelled.

I saw that I also caught the attention of my colleagues, they also walked towards me. I moved quickly and fixed the flashlight fastened on my forehead. 

“I saw a little girl gripping the rope in the river while I carried the injured man, but she was gone when I came back.” I shouted over the loud current and heavy rain. My eyes never left the river for inspection, I also had a flashlight on my other hand, making sure that it’d be easier for me to see her. 

“Ok, Blade, let me help you find her.” 

I didn’t give Red a glance, I just started walking by the river side praying repeatedly to find her somehow. I heard Red commanding our teams to continue their tasks and let the two us do the search for the little girl. 

I was feeling panic building up inside of me, I couldn’t afford to think that she was drowning and repeatedly asking for help somewhere in the strong current.

A normal kid could probably stay under water for about a minute. If she was a good swimmer, she could probably stay longer. But she was exhausted, too. Fighting the current was the most difficult. And given that she wasn’t able to hold on to the rope, she was certainly worn out.

Minutes passed of our search when I suddenly saw a tiny frame lying on the river side. I immediately recognized her blue shirt. Shouting for Red, I let my body slide on the sloppy ground to reach her. 

My heart was beating fast and I was almost afraid to touch her unconscious body which was half submerged in the water. But there was no time to entertain emotions at that moment, so I lifted her carefully to my arms and placed her on a flat part of the ground.

“Check her pulse, Blade.” I didn’t know that Red was already there squatted beside me until I heard him spoke.

“Yeah.” I answered as I began to check the pulse on her wrist. But there was none. I hastily checked her carotid pulse, but there was none, too. My heart skipped a beat and I preceded performing CPR. 

I carefully but firmly pressed my palm on her chest as I checked of any sigh of movement from her. I got distracted for a moment when I read the word knitted on her shirt right at the top of her heart. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Still no life sign, but I tried and tried. Putting enough pressure but not too much, I didn’t want to crash her rib cage. I blew on her airways, several times again and again.

“Damn it, Karen, please!” I shouted angrily and pathetically. Maybe they weren’t enough. I placed my palm on her chest again.

Minuted passed by without success. Eventually, I felt Santiago’s hand on my shoulder.

I looked at my friend. The horror in my eyes probably said all my fears. I waited for him to say something positive, to encourage me, to continue the CPR...

But he shook his head, stroked over my hair, his eyes stared at my wounded soul, telling me it was over.

I swallowed painfully and stared back at the little girl who was screaming for help just few minutes ago.

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We both knew it. I was too late. Karen never made it.

For the first time during the period of service in the army, I cried...


	33. Chapter 33

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Andrew:

I was in a annoyed and unsatisfied mood when I drove back home this night. 

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Me and my workmate Derek searched the house and the neighbourhood for clues, unfortunately without success.

The surveillance video of which Blade gave me the copy made it clear that the culprit burgled again into the house this time, not only to leave another note, it was evident that the person came because of Taylor. The suspect is a guy, he was stopped to whatever his exact plan was by Bandito. He seemed to know the house very well. But we couldn’t see his face because it was too dark and he was clever to cover his face, too.

I knew how serious Taylor's situation was and I was worried about him. I've seen at first hand how desperated he was when he tried to jump out of my car the other day. The poor boy wanted to kill himself as he heard about the news that his wife was murdered.

I knew that the investigation was stressing him out. I felt the same way, I was hurting for Taylor, too. While we were driving to our house this afternoon, I could clearly see how horribly he felt. He told me how much he regretted that he didn't cancel the last few concerts of his tour and that his wife was alone in their house last night.

Actually, I had late shift tomorrow. I wouldn't have drank something otherwise. Meanwhile I didn't even feel tipsy anymore, but I never drank that much that I lost control over my senses anyway, even less if I was responsible for Taylor's security who had spent the evening with us during his brother's absence.

I wanted to help to catch Taylor's Stalker as soon as possible, so I convinced Inspector Wright that I would be there for the early shift tomorrow too when the search for traces would continue. I just couldn't sit at home and do nothing while the culprit was still out there. And Taylor needed a new back door which I wanted to get for him tomorrow.

Even though I knew Taylor only for a few months, we had become great friends already, he wasn't like you'd think a typical superstar would be, he was unassuming, genuine, grounded and I appreciated our friendship. He has always been compassionate for others’ feelings, he was always accommodating. Never letting any detail escape him, while also always being kind and considerate of others. Taylor was a great guy to hang out with and he never boasted about it that he was a famous superstar. He was the natural boy from next door which you can easily like and get along with.

His brother Blade was exactly the opposite. He was brusque, had that I don't care attitude around him which was a mystery and totally mind blogging for me. Taylor didn't want to come out with it, the only thing I knew about him was that Blade was Taylor's long lost little brother.

It was easy to recognize how different the two brothers were, obviously they had different point of views about their lives, the past and Blade didn’t consider Taylor as his brother anymore. I wonder why he acted so differently around everyone and why he loathed his only brother. I couldn’t understand why Skye entrusted his dear friend Taylor to someone who despises him. I personally couldn’t figure any similarities between the two brothers. 

To leave Taylor was a difficult decision. I surely respected his privacy about his family matters and his decision to keep his brother as his bodyguard, but I sensed that he wanted to shield him to not admit what was going on between them. He looked pretty shaken and not that drank anymore. But he was trying to be brave, I could see that. And he clearly showed his loyalty to his family when he chose his strange brother.  
Blade still seemed untamed. That's why I just couldn’t completely trust him.

Taylor's case was alarming and in his current state he couldn't make a decision with a clear mind.

I didn't know Santiago very well, I only met him a few times in his bar. My workmate Derek told me that Santiago was a trustworthy source, he was a veteran and still had a few contacts to people who worked for the government. Santiago wouldn’t recommend someone if he wasn’t skilled. I told him very clearly that Taylor urgently needed someone who was capable to guard him. But of all the good guys out there, why Blade?

That Skye would come back with the guy who helped him when he got mugged and that it turned out he was Taylor's younger brother was a pure coincidence.

I knew that Skye could be a lot of things, he was a bubbly and high-mettled person. I trusted him but I wasn't sure if he was too blind to see what he was doing, because he held Blade in high esteem.

And aside from that, why Skye had to insist someone who would only inflict more pain for his friend?  
I didn’t want to doubt Skye’s reasoning when he talked about Taylor’s brother, but it seemed like Skye was under some hypnotism when it comes to Blade. He still believed in him even if it was pretty obvious how annoying he was for Blade. Skye seemed so tangled with him that he couldn’t see his flaws.

His decision of choosing Blade as Taylor’s bodyguard was something I couldn’t comprehend. Sure he saved him from the thugs and I actually wanted to thank Blade for helping Skye during the brutal aussault, but he didn't seem to be interested in any contacts.

In those times that I encountered with Blade, I never had a good feeling about him coz he seemed hard and emotionless. The moment I met him, the fact that he mindlessly joked around his brother’s stalker’s name already sent me off. I could understand that Taylor wanted to be with his brother, that he wanted to mend things with him and he was longing for a family, he was his only one after all, but why did Blade, if that was his real name seem to be so tough? Why he hated Taylor that much? Apparently he thought that carrying his brother around on his shoulder just like what he did hours ago was a normal act.

He didn't seem to agree with the job, but he did it anyway for reasons unknown.

We all knew that Taylor was going through a lot and with Blade's behaviour he couldn’t make things lighter for Taylor, but only heavier. He was really difficult to deal with.

Skye had repeatedly narrated how fearless Blade did go for the thugs who mugged him, that fact and my acceptance about Taylor's decision to hire him were the reasons why I restrained myself, even though I had a bad feeling right from the start about him.

It was already late at night when I arrived at our house. I wasn’t done analyzing things, but I had to get a rest for the night.

Skye was still awake, which was no suprise after Taylor's alarming call and I knew that he longed for me to come home. He had cleared the alcoholic beverages and was waiting for me in the living room. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The moment I came in, he rushed over to me and kissed my cheek.

Engulfing my face between his hands, he said,

“Oh Eagle Eye, I'm so glad that you're finally back. Did something happen on your investigation? Did you arrest the culprit already? How is Taylor and Blade?”

When I heard the name again, it rang a bell in me and I immediately felt the lack of comprehension again.

“Why are you so concern about him Skye?” I yanked his hands away and started unfastening the buttons of my shirt. I was still in plain clothes. After Taylor's call, I didn't waste time to change my clothes coz I knew how urgent and important it was to come as fast as I could. Conveniently, my workmate Derek was also my neighbour and luckily he could come with me.

The air between Skye and me was thick all of a sudden. I was mad about the entire situation, that I couldn't do anything for Taylor and to be honest I wasn't in the mood to hear the name Blade anymore for the rest of the night.

“Of course I am, Taylor is my friend!” Skye defended himself in a high pitch. The kind of pitch that he used when he’s upset.

He looked confused about my question and for a moment I looked at him questioning for a moment if he was really that naive or if he purposefully put on the barmy stick.

"Blade! Not Taylor." I pointed out that he got my question wrong.

He kept silent for a moment and the silence confused me. He watched me as I removed my button down shirt and tossed it on the couch.

As I looked at him again he looked a little intimidated, but I needed answers. And I needed them now!

"Blade is the guy who saved me. I wouldn't know what would have happened with me if he wasn't there that night when I got mugged. And he's Taylor's brother, of course I'm worried about him too."

He said in a soothing voice. He came closer to me and pecked my lips as if he wanted to close the subject like that.

If it wasn't such a serious time, maybe I would leave it at that for today, coz I was tired but Skye's actions only increased the strange feeling in me that something wasn't right.

As he noticed my blank expression, he let go off me.

"Please Eagle Eye, don’t think of my concern like that.” He searched my eyes, seeking for assurance.

I didn’t meet his stare though.

"I want to know why you hired him for Taylor." I said, demanding for an answer.

“Andrew, what’s wrong? Did I do something wrong? What happened? Please tell me everything!” He nervously asked me with my real name this time to emphasize his concern.

“Seriously Skye, I don’t agree with the way how Blade treats us and I don't understand why you think he's the right bodyguard for Taylor even though he hates him. Yes he saved you, but that fact doesn't allow you to make blind for what is going on with your best friend. Taylor wanted to kill himself Skye, he tried to jump out of my car yesterday on the way home after he got the news that his wife was killed. And now he's together with his criminal brother who hates him and we don't even know if he's safe with him. Taylor is fragile and vulnerable in his current condition and he shouldn't need to deal with someone who despise him. It might break him down completely. He didn't want to come with me to stay here with us for the night and I couldn't change his mind because he didn't want his brother let go. But I just don’t get your reasons for insisting him to be Taylor’s bodyguard, Skye.”

Actually, I never planned to tell Skye about Taylor's suicide attempt, but I felt like it was about time to clarify how serious Taylor's state was and that it wasn't the right choice to hire someone because of admiration to him.

He looked taken aback at that and covered his hand in shock over his mouth for a short moment, which he often did when he was upset. And I already knew what was coming as he found his voice again.

"Tay tried to kill himself, oh my god Andy! I didn't know that! Why didn't you tell me earlier? How is he? I gotta talk to him!" He began to get panicky and the latest happenings seemed suddenly forgotten. I quickly rubbed my hands his arms up and down to soothe him.

"Skye! Just calm down! I already knew that you would react that way Skye, that's why I didn't tell you about it yet. Apparently you need to learn should how serious Taylor's situation is, not only because of his Stalker. But you can't do anything for him right now. I don’t know where they’re going to stay. But Tay said, they’ll look for a hotel."

"Yes I already know, he gave me a call. I feel so sorry what happened to him Eagle Eye. And now Taylor is mad with me, coz I lied to him." He suddenly admitted in a whiny tone.

"What did you? About what did you lie Skye?" I couldn't believe it that he actually kept things for himself in these dangerous times for Taylor.

He bent his head down for a moment like a child which just got scolded. 

When he finally looked at me again, he bit his lips as if stopping himself to speak, but he spoke anyway.

"Please don't be mad with me, Andrew. Blade he is..."

"He is what? Say it Skye!"

During the six months of our relationship we never had an argue like this until now and the situation was unfamiliar for both of us. Somehow our conversation had taken a very different turn than I expected. And Skye's hesitation made me upset too. Actually, I wanted to tell him what Derek and me had seen on the surveillance video, but to be honest, meanwhile I had lost the mood to tell him about it.

"Blade is a pimp. He has a brothel." He finally confessed.

"He's what?!? Shit, Skye what were you thinking? People like that are the worst sort of criminal!"

"But you gave me the card from Santiago's bar, you told me that he knows skilled people who worked for the government and Blade is one of them."

"Yes Skye, I know that. But I wouldn't have come back with a pimp for my best friend's security whose life is in grave danger. And I can recognize that what's going on there between Taylor and his criminal brother is not right. But apparently you not."

"W-What are you trying to say?" He stared at me with wide eyes. Skye wasn't used that I talked with him like I that, but I couldn't be considerate anymore with the things which were going on behind my back.

"Tell me the truth Skye. Do you have a crush on Blade?" I asked him outright and stared back at him more emphatic.

I felt a stabbing pain in my heart as I saw him blushing all of a sudden.

He actually blushed.


	34. Chapter 34

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Skye

The situation between Andrew and me was very tense and it worried me. I knew that he sensed that I was beating about the bush about Blade.

But I wasn't sure what I should answer him. The truth? I didn't even know by myself what I should think about my feelings for Blade. If I ask myself honestly, I had to admit to my ashaming self that deep inside I really had developed a crush on Blade, even though it was wrong and unfair towards Eagle Eye...

Blade didn't even like me, but I felt butterflies in my stomach anyway whenever I thought about him.  
I loved Andrew and I really didn't want to hurt him with a childish crush I have, but to be honest I couldn't tell yet how serious my feelings were about Blade.

What I knew was that it wasn't right for me to fall in Love with some one at all! Eventually, I had a loving boyfriend who cared about me. Not only that, it also wasn't the right time to fall in Love with someone. I was worried about Taylor, I was scared for him. I wanted to know what exactly happened and why he and Blade went to look for a hotel, but I knew that I couldn't change the subject right now. The imagination of a dark, creepy stalker in Taylor’s house hunted me and sent chills down my spine. I hoped for Tay that this nightmare for him would be over already.

That's why I didn't even consider to talk about my feelings about Blade, especially not with my boyfriend! Honestly, I didn't even expect that he would notice my crush, but apparently Andrew knew me too well. 

And if I'm very honest to myself, yes I had thought about Blade more than once in the last few days. It already began at our very first encounter, coz I will never forget how Blade fought against those thugs. And how he helped me up and accompanied me to the coffee shop afterwards. Maybe I am an incorrigibly romantic person and maybe it was cheesy and childish, but for me he was my hero that night in which he helped me coz those thugs could have hurt or even killed him, but Blade didn't even seem to care. He was so selfless and saved me even though I was a stranger for him. And I will always be grateful for what he did to me that night coz I wouldn't have been able to fight for me like he did.

I knew that he couldn't be a bad person because of what he did for me that night. But how could I explain what I really thought about Blade to Andrew? I didn't want to admit it, but I somehow felt that it wasn't a good time for a lie.

"Skye!" I was engrossed thinking of words to say when Andrew’s harsh release of breath interrupted me. I quickly gave him my full attention again.

"Sorry Honey, please don't be mad..." I began. "Yes I have a crush on Blade, but it's nothing serious, really! It's just a harmless infatuation." I tried to assure him. I bit my lip and looked up to him shyly, expecting him to fall into a rage. But he didn't and it scared me.

"What do you see in him Skye? Do you like it to get insulted and to get treated so respectless like he acts towards us? I really don't understand you. Don't you see that he's not interested in getting to know us?"

"No, of course I don't like to get treated that way. But I feel that Blade must be a good guy, Andy. Please trust me, I know that he can take care of Taylor. And I know that he won't quit the job. I know that for sure."

"How do you wanna know that? He obviously hates his brother, he acts like he gives a shit about everyone. And he obviously don't like to do that job, so why did you hire him?"

"I don't know much about Blade too Andy, but I know that there is one person of whom he doesn't act that way. And that person is Santiago, the Mexican guy from the bar is a close friend of Blade. When I was there yesterday for the second time, he gave Blade a call and told him to come back. He was very adamant for him to do the job and Blade came back shortly afterwards. And maybe I wasn't meant for other ears, but I could hear them talking that Blade owes Santiago a favor. I don't know what it is but it must be something very important between them, coz Blade changed his mind immediately after that and agreed to do that job for Taylor. So I know for sure that Blade will do that job, because I could convince Santiago that Blade is the right person and Blade agreed to do it because of the favor he owes Santiago."

I recounted to him in hope that the truth would soothe Andrew. Because besides of that experience in which Blade saved me, was Blade's agreement the one thing which made me doubly sure that he would make his job.

"I don't know what I should think about this story Skye. How can this turn out well? Why did you do that to him? You can't use people behind their backs to agree to a job which they don't even want to do. In that case it's not even surprising that he acted that way."

Andrew's doubts hit me unexpectedly. Did I make a mistake?

"But I know that he can protect Taylor. He could protect me too even though I was a complete stranger for him." I spoke softly.

"Yeah but he's a pimp and that fact can't give me a good feeling Skye. He does his job, but the circumstances aren't right for him and for Taylor. Blade saved you and we are all thankful for him for doing that, but Skye, you can't force people to something they don't want to do. Coz obviously he is in a situation he don't even want to be. And Taylor also feels not comfortable with him. Didn't you realize how embarrassed and ashamed he is that his little brother is now his bodyguard? "

I felt guilty to hear that. He was obviously frustrated. I felt his concern for Taylor and me, he wanted us to be safe as much as I did.

"I only had the best intentions Andy. And you know that my instinct never failed me so far."

"Well, we can only hope that your instinct is right this time too, coz we can't change anything about it anymore if Taylor won't change his mind. You better be careful that no one else will find out about it that Blade is Taylor's little brother!"

"Well I guess it's difficult for me to understand, coz I don't have any siblings." I admitted after agreeing to him.

"You hired him before you knew that Blade is Taylor's brother, right?" 

I nodded.

"And you already knew that he's a pimp before you know that they are brothers?"

I agreed again.

"Why Skye? Do you feel for the underdog?"

"Andrew, please I know that he's the right bodyguard for Taylor. And they haven't seen each other for a long time. Taylor lost his family yesterday and with Blade he has his family back. Taylor is my best friend and of course I want that he gets his family back. And I know that Blade is a good guy Andy, please trust me. Otherwise, he wouldn't have saved me."

"We know nothing about him Skye. We don't know about the reasons why he saved you. I understand that you want the brothers to reconcile. But something must have happened between them that they become estranged. They are totally different persons and we don't know how criminal Taylor's brother is."

"Maybe, that’s just the way Blade is ever since. But just because he's an underdog, doesn't mean to have that he is a bad guy, right? Taylor didn’t want to talk about their past anymore so I couldn’t tell much about him as well..."

"Skye, I'm just worried about you and about Taylor. Even if Blade does his job right, he's only responsible for Taylor's security, not for yours. And if you learned that he is a pimp, you could have chosen someone else for that job. Blade is not the only one who Santiago can recommend."

"Well even if Blade is different, I wanted him because I know that Taylor won't find someone who's better and trustworthy that soon....and.."

"And?"

I silenced for a moment, thinking carefully about what I could answer him. Somehow I felt that lying would only make our situation worse.

"And maybe I was longing to see him again too..." I couldn't believe my own words but I confessed them to him anyway and felt my cheeks heaten up at the same time.

He didn't answer to that. Instead, he just walked away from me towards our bedroom. I hurried after him, contemplating about what I could say.

He sat down on the side of the bed and I carefully sat down next to him, hoping that he wouldn't push me away.

"Andy...are you mad at me now?" I carefully asked. Seeing my face, his eyebrows furrowed as his mouth twitched.

"I still think it wasn't right to make that decision behind his back Skye, even though you knew that he don't want to do that job. Everyone would be mad about that. You can't force people into a job, just because you admire and got a crush on them."

"Do you think Blade will be angry about that forever?" I asked worriedly. To be honest, I didn't really think about it yet. Taylor needed someone so urgently and there was no time for much contemplating after those horrible events.

"I don't know Skye. Honestly, I don't get what you find so appealing about him. Is it his criminal, dark side? Is it the weakness you have for dangerous living men?" He looked at me questioningly and it made me nervous again to speak about Blade.

"I believe so... That and his unsubduedness." I confessed awkwardly. Yes, Blade was strange, but there was something about him I couldn’t shook off. He was far different from the people I knew. He was the exact opposite of his brother, and the red light district where he came from was exactly the opposite of the society where we lived in. Was that the reason why he was so tough and careless? I didn't know but I strangely felt attracted to him since I met him for the first time. 

"I guessed as much." Andrew answered tonelessly, but I knew that he was hurt and I felt so sorry about it.

He laid himself on the bed and gazed absently into space. 

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"Please don't be mad with me Hon. Blade... he is not gay anyway..." I felt that I was desperately trying to find reasons, anything to make him feel better.

"What about us? Seriously Skye, I don't know what to think about that you are in Love with another person who is a pimp. I wouldn't even wonder if Blade is a drug addict."

I cringed. I really didn't hope so. Because of his job as a cop, Andrew already had many experiences with criminals... Oh gosh... did I get ahead of myself with my decision this time? I was worried about Taylor and Eagle Eye's words worried me even more. But I still clung to my opinion that Blade wasn't a bad person. I just didn't want to regret my decision to hire him...

"I love you Eagle Eye. I love you more than anything, please trust me. Currently, I'm so worried about Taylor and he and Blade are mad with me, please Andy don't be mad with me too."

When he didn't react, I carefully moved towards him and laid my head on his chest, after saying a shy ‘I'm so sorry’.

After a while of silence, he finally gave in and laid his arm around my back. I looked up to his eyes sincerely and I finally felt his annoyance weakening.

Then I felt it, the charge between us. My stare dropped from my eyes to his lips and even before he could react to that, my lips covered his and I was kissing him fiercely. I couldn't even express to say how relieved I was when he kissed me back. I moved my mouth as eager as his. I closed my eyes tight. I felt all of our pent up emotions in this kiss. I wanted him to forget his confusion and doubts, even though I didn't know if my feelings for Blade would cease or not and if they might even bring my relationship with Eagle Eye in danger.

Would I get over my crush to Blade? How important was he to me already? And how important could someone be whom I didn't even know much?

I had no idea how I could get Blade out of my head... There was this tingling feeling in me every time I think about him even though I knew that it's so wrong to become attached for him...

I totally wasn't aware that Taylor might feel embarrassed because of him. To be honest, I even envied him a little when Blade carried him to his car... if I could turn back time and experience the night again when I met Blade for the first time with knowing what would gonna happen... maybe I'd pretend to faint just to experience that feeling... it might have been such a romantic and exciting moment...

I felt guilty about my thoughts coz I knew I shouldn't think that way, all the more not in a intimate moment between Andy and me. I felt so sorry for him. I didn't want him to be mad at me.

After everything what happened I didn't want us to end the day with hurting each other.

I needed him, I needed him so much right now. And I wanted him to make me forget everything which caused worries and fear and I could feel that he needed it too. So I welcomed the intrusion when he pushed me down on the bed and tried to suppress the uproar in my head... 

I clung to Andrew like a leech. With him, I knew I would be safe, so that’s where I wanted to stay...


	35. Chapter 35

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Blade:

I spent half of the morning puking out the pizza from last night. I felt like the last piece of shit. It has been a while ago since emotions influenced me that much like they were doing now...

I didn't know how to deal with these emotions and on how to deal with Taylor's careful steps to get closer to me even though I made it more than clear that I wouldn't go back to my old life. He just didn't let go off me. It was sending me the same feelings of pain back that I hoped I'd never need to feel again.

Somehow, we had reached an impasse state, because apparently Taylor didn't want to accept the fact that he didn't exist for me anymore as a brother.

Taylor was not only looking for protection, he was also searching for sympathy and care about him, which I just couldn't give him. His blue eyes were sad whenever he looked at me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

They were longing for something that I couldn't provide him anymore. My anger at him for several years had gotten too much that I couldn't just drop it that easily.

Over the years in which Santiago and me experienced hundreds of people dying, I had learned to control and suppress my feelings, even in my life after the Army as a pimp were feelings inappropriate. That's why I didn't have any problems to work in this business, I was used to live a emotionless life either way.

My friendship with Santiago was the only light in my life in the shadows.

Maybe if Taylor didn't leave me nine years ago, my life would have taken a different course, maybe we were both different persons today. But with the loneliness I felt when I was just sixteen because of him... I couldn't forgive him... I just couldn't.

I've thought about Santiago's words and he was right that I was still hurt for what Taylor had done to me nine years ago.

It was a wound in me that could never heal completely. Even though I could bury my feelings and keep them inside of me, I was still hurt. I acted like I didn't care, but deep down it killed me.

I just didn't want to reopen the sores anymore for which I needed so many years to forget that they existed, but being with Taylor and his innocent air always pulled the shit out of me.

It would be so much easier for both of us if Taylor just would accept the fact that he didn't exist for me anymore. I felt that both of us were getting sick if this fucked up situation would continue.

Until today, he never told me why he left.

Instead of running away after the death of our parents, he could have stayed at home with me and considered the fact that he had a little brother who was as lost as him that time. And now, he was repeating the same fucking thing.

Instead of grieving, he chose the coward way and tried to get closer to me without even contemplating the fact that it was necessary to explain anything to me. I knew I didn't make it easy for him.

But how could I after so many years of his absence?

I figured he was too fucking guilty to have the strength to press the issue. Maybe, he became too used to his famous life as a superstar and fans which constantly licked his ass that he forgot how to apologize. Maybe he was just so used to being pampered and given things, material as well as attention, that he feel that he is above paying for such 'menial'.

I didn't know. But whatever his reason was, it was Taylor's usual way of shredding off the hard reality. To shut down the remnants of pain, coz apparently, he always wanted to shield himself with distractions and pretended as if nothing bad had happened.

I was thinking back about last night and the weird feeling when I woke up. I was thinking about it over and over again. I was confused. And it was fucking unnerving.

Just like the usual nights, I had dreams about my past. Then I woke up…. I woke up feeling my brother’s fingers in my hand. How the fuck that happened?

Then I got suddenly aware of the situation, I put handcuffs to both of our wrists to make sure that he wouldn’t do anything harmful to himself as I slept.

To be near with my brother was never my intention, it was nothing personal, it was part of my safety measures on doing my job.

I perfectly understood how to feel all alone and depressed. Like in that time after Taylor left me.  
I stopped talking about how I felt because I knew no one cared anyway. It's sad to think that the majority of my teenage years I spent trying to survive instead of actually living.

When our parents died and Taylor left me all of a sudden, there was a time in which I thought of ending all the pain in such a way to not feel a thing anymore.

The thought of death seemed to be an easy way of forgetting everything in a snap. I knew that suicide could be tempting when you were depressed and in so much pain.

But that was at a time when I still hoped that Taylor would come back. I thought he wouldn't leave me alone forever.

I was an emotional wreck when I joined the Army. Depression is a war. You win or die trying. Thankfully, Santiago was there to put new heart to me. So I decided to wait for Taylor. I wanted to be there for him when he would come back. But he didn't.

That's why my own grieving turned into hate as I realized he wouldn't come back.

If he could live alone then I could do the same damn thing. So instead of just grieving, I also started hating.

There were moments... moments when I used to blame everything and everyone... for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened. Used to blame everybody. Blamed Taylor, blamed the society, blamed God. 

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I've always been afraid of losing people. Sometimes I wonder if there is anyone out afraid to lose me.

It's hard to see the truth about people you once loved.

Until the day came when anger had consumed all the good memories we had together. I welcomed it and began to live again without waiting for someone who would never come or show up.

Eventually, thanks to Santiago, I realized that it was the right decision to live my own life.

After seeing my brother’s suicidal tendency, I wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t dare to do anything stupid like that. Putting us in handcuffs was the least thing I could do last night to make sure that I was in control of the situation.

I almost couldn't believe it when I woke up this morning and felt his hand in my palm.  
The feeling of his hand in mine was like a fucking joke.

With his behaviour, Taylor only hurt me even more. Coz I would be there for him anytime he needed me if he allowed us to be there for each other back then.

I just couldn't understand him.

How could he expect me to give him sympathy even though he didn't give it to me back then? 

Eventually, it was his fucking turn to give me an explanation after all.

I felt that the past was coming back to us and I had to deal with the same shitty painful feelings I had when I was sixteen because of him. The questions I asked myself over and over again which were still unanswered.

Why didn't he care how hurt I am? Why didn't he give a damn about me? Was I not worth it? Why did he only have eyes for his own pain?

Was an apologize or at least an appreciation of my work for him too much to expect for after nine years of waiting?

Answers to those questions would at least make it easier to deal with this shit.

What the fuck was he waiting for? 

Apparently, he was only seeing the bad sides in me, coz he did not trust me nor that he appreciated anything I did.

Instead, he acted like he was the victim and as if I was a monster that scared him, even though for me he was the cold, emotionless bastard.

I was here to make my fucking job, not to play his fucking babysitter, health guru, brother or whatever the fucking fuck!

If he didn't care about me, then why couldn't he just give up on me and make it easier for both of us, instead of those coward tries to appeal on my fucking sympathy?!

It would be much easier to make this fucking job if he wouldn't make the situation so difficult for both of us...

Internally, I was fighting with myself the whole time because of him. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I needed so badly to calm down. I sat up from the bathroom floor, took my clothes off, got in the shower and turned the faucet on with cold water.

I guess if Taylor would know which kind of person I had become he wouldn't want get to know me anymore anyway. He would probably act like he never knew me and regretted that he even tried to appeal for my sympathy. His glances when we arrived here in my brothel spoke volumes already.

I know that I'm not that picture book brother anymore he once knew.

My problem or my unbreakable habit is that, I just can't pretend to be someone I'm not.  
I'm not judging the entire society, but I just can't help it to be a Realist, so I guess I had to tell you what I learned. My conclusion. Well my conclusion is that from my life experiences, I could tell that most people want to get lied in awkward situations to keep the manners upright. Which has never been my style. If I'm pissed off, people do recognize that I'm pissed off. Some people appreciate me because of always being myself, other's don't like me because of that.

Since I worked for Taylor, he made me to a total asshole. But it felt like I had no choice but to act that way.

I am not a fucking sadist and as much as it's hard for me to admit it, those indifferent hate attacks which I spoke out to him hurt me too.

But how the fucking fuck could I find any single reason to treat him better if he didn't even have the guts to face me for once and tell me what he owed me since almost a fucking decade?

It was his fucking turn to say;

"I'm sorry that I left you alone."

Was it too much to ask for after nine fucking lonely years?

Why couldn't he just speak it out? What was he waiting for? Who was the asshole in this fucking deal, me or Taylor?

I knew that I didn't make it easy for him but there was no reason to give in if he always chose the easy ways for him.

If I would give in to his appeals for my sympathy, things would never change. He would always think that he could act that way. And it was about time for him to face what he had done to me.

If that wasn't enough, there was also his stupid ego complex standing between us.

I didn't get his problem. We didn't even look alike and besides to that, I didn't expect him to introduce me to the public as his brother. I didn't give a shit about that. I whether needed fame nor public attention like he did. I already accepted that I'm never gonna be anything special. 

Sadly, all which came from him so far was yammering about his fucking ego complex, but apparently he didn't have a problem to expose me to danger, even though he didn't trust me or could assess my skills.

What was he, a fucking sadist that wanted torture me for a second time???

I felt tears of pent-up anger building up behind my eyes.

Why didn't he give a shit about me? Why couldn't he forget his fucking ego for once and apologize to me after all or at least tell me that he appreciated my actions?

That we could find a normal state and not me being pissed off all the time.

He could apologize to me for what happened to Bandito, but he didn't have the guts to apologize to me... that fucking coward!

Why couldn't he forget his shitty ego for once and see how much he was hurting me?

I hated it to feel like a piece of shit because of him, even though I knew that he was guilty because of that.

I began to sweat and could feel how my blood was running up into my head. Even though I had turned on the faucet in the shower with ice cold water, my blood was still boiling inside. My mind was so loud that it felt like several bombs were exploding but the only one who could hear it was me. 

When this fucking state would finally be over..?

I clenched my wet fists and forced my building up tears with all my anger and will so hard down that my head was hurting so bad that I thought it would explode any moment. I didn’t want to give Taylor the glory of making me miserable.

Added to that, I felt that I would need some coke soon, coz I didn't know how much longer I could bear this fucked up state. In everything I did, Taylor saw only the bad sides, acted like a scared little bunny even though it only needed one damn statement from him to make the old fucking past pains which grew on me a little more bearable.

He drove me insane with his fucking pretending to be innocent attitude!

As I realized showering didn't help me, I got out of it, wrapped a bathtowel around my lower body and brushed my teeth so hard that I ended up spitting more blood into the sink than toothpaste.

I really didn't know how much longer I could deal with this fucked up emotional shit. From now on, it would be just a question of time who would break down earlier, who has stronger psychic powers, me or Taylor.

But no matter what happens, I couldn't bail out of this fucking job anymore anyway, because Taylor's fucking Stalker dared to hurt Bandito.

And I wouldn't let him get away with that. That's for sure!


	36. Chapter 36

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

I was such a dickhead for smashing the fucking bathroom window beside me into pieces with my old cell phone. Now I couldn't fucking open it because of the fucking wood pane. Even though I showered really cold, the air in the bathroom felt so thick in my lungs that I couldn't almost breath.

I wanted to call the old Mexican geezer and asked him for an advice, coz I didn't know what to do anymore.

I'm not a fucking god almighty after all! And there was no fucking brother whom I could ask for an advice.

I took my new cell phone out of my pants pocket, dialed Santiago's number and hoped that he could tell me what I should do now. I sighed relieved when I heard his voice in the line.

"Yo, what's up old man?" I greeted in my usual badinage which I just couldn't get rid off even though I was depressed.

How the fuck else should I hide my feelings in this fucked up world? Eventually, no one dies as a virgin, life fucks you earlier or later either way!

"Hey Blade, what's up? I don't have much time to talk, it's weekend and I have many costumers."

Fucking great.

I sighed again before I spoke to him again.

"Santa, I'm getting real tired of this shit. I don't know how much longer I can deal with it."

"With what can't you deal soldier? The job can't be that hard for someone like you!"

"I'm not talking about the fucking job. I mean with this fucking emotional bullshit. I don't know how to handle that shit with my brother."

"Blade, I think it would be better to talk about that personally, I can't give you an advice on the phone right now, coz I'm busy. Let's talk as soon as you can come around alright?"

"Ok, uhm I have to come around anyway. The fucking Stalker of my brother dared to hurt Bandito! It's nothing worse but he needs a break for a few days. Can I bring him to you later?"

"Oh shit. Yeah bring him to me, but not before Lunch break time. I will have more time to talk then."

I agreed, hang up, put my clothes on and went out of the bathroom. Taylor was still lying in the bed, looking like an angel from outside but a devil from the inside. Apparently, the star still needed his beauty sleep. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I was thinking back about his last stupid question from last night.

Why the fuck shall I take a fucking shower every day?

I'm too lazy for those fancy-schmancy furbelows!

I didn't need to hear his words to know that he was grossed out by the area. Even though Mary Poppins had not just changed the sheets, all the bedding were clean.

What the heck did her princessness expect? Covers made of gold? 

What a fucking spoiled diva he was. That upper class behaviour of High Society snobs like my glamour boy brother has always been something that made me sick. Not only do they think their trash is invalable because they touched it, they feel they are above doing menial work because their brains are so oh valuable. I snorted and turned away to pack up my things.

As Bandito saw me, he immediately stood up from his corner and came over to me, happily greeting me like every morning. Luckily, he could already walk a little better than yesterday, but he was still limping a little which would probably need a few days to get better.

I took my keys, shoved my gun into my belt and went quietly out of the room with Bandito. Quietly, I locked the doors and went towards the common room.

The opening hours of my brothel didn't begin before the afternoon, so I had to check which of my bitches were already here.

I was looking for Chantal, but I could only see Lisa and two of the other girls sitting at the breakfast table.

"Hey Babes, where is Chantal?"

"She went to College class Sir," said Ginger the red haired girl next to the window.

"Fabulous." I growled. "Mary Poppins come over here, you have to do me a favor," I exclaimed and motioned her to come over to me. She smiled as she heard me calling her like that. Despite her stupidity from time to time, she was kind of adorable. Even though she worked in a shitty business like this, the sun was always shining out of her ass and our johns liked her because of her steady good mood.

A long time ago I could also be like that...

Anyway! There was a task which needed to get done.

"Bandito needs to go out, he can't walk much, so go with him into the backyard at least for a while and then bring him back to my office. Can you manage that?"

"Of course Sir, my pleasure." She giggled, took the leash out of my hands and was about to walk away already.

"But take on different shoes first!"

She stopped, turned around and looked at me confused.

"But these are new."

I rolled my eyes. She obviously didn't get it.

"I don't give a shit how new they are, you just should take on other shoes which are... you know.. more safe than those ankle breakers when you go out with Bandito." I declared and pointed down to her high heels. Even though my little buddy was limping, he wasn't used to go out for walks with other people than me, Santiago or Manolo. I knew very well that he could pull at his leash if someone else would go for a walk with him whom he wasn't used to walk out. 

"Ohh.... now I begin to see! Thanks Sir." She giggled again, before tottering away with my dog and into her room.

I couldn't help to watch her legs and mini skirt for a while as she walked away from me. I honestly didn’t hear a word she just said to me. All I heard was, “Blah, blah, blah, look at my tight little butt as I walk around in this tiny pink miniskirt and my 'Come fuck me' pumps.” 

Damn! I was just a fucking man after all!

Sadly, there wasn't time for some pleasure right now, coz Sleeping beauty was still sleeping in my office and I couldn't let him too long untied all by himself.

Sighing, I went to the soda machine and rummaged in my pocket pants for some coins. I threw them into it as I was momentarily distracted by the graffiti and slander gracing the soda machine.

"Brenda Scavenger is a stupid whore and call 555-6257 if you want to fuck a dirty skank."

It's quite remarkable how vicious women can be toward their own kind. I grabbed the cans once they fell down into the output compartment and went back with them to the office.

As I had unlocked the room and came into it, the glamour boy was awake from his deep slumber and sitting upright on the bed, staring at me reproaching.

"Where the fuck have you been???" He shouted at me, there was some shaking in his voice though.

"Bandito needed to shit." I replied dryly, locked the door behind me and put the soda cans down on the desk.

"You left me alone, all alone!" He suddenly yelled angrily.

What the fuck was his problem?

I was only a few meters away from the office.

"Listen Taylor, I was only two minutes away and I told you, you were safe here, so what the fuck is your problem?"

If he was scared, why couldn't he just say it?

There's nothing bad about having fear. Obviously, his fucking ego was stopping him again.

If he had such a problem with it, then how the fuck should this work between us?!?

Instead of answering me, he suddenly began to shake and to wheeze fast and heavily.

Shit! He was having a panic attack.

Was I that intimidating?


	37. Chapter 37

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

I hurried over to him and sat behind him. He was shaking uncontrollably, his breathings were fast and heavy. Despite my despise against him, I was here to make my fucking job so I had to calm him down. Quickly, I circled my arms around the small frame of his upper body, pulled his back closer against my chest and commanded him to breath deep and calmly. I put my hands around his cold, shaking fingers and pressed them in mine that they would stop shaking.

It was the weirdest moment we had so far.

But it made me realize that he was really scared about his life, even though he didn't admit it.

I held him close to me for several minutes until he finally calmed down and his shaking and wheezing slowly slackened and ceased.

He didn't say anything until he was calmed down. Instead of thanking me, he stood up after that, walked towards the bathroom and mumbled some words about feeling dirty and needing a shower.

Well, thanks again Taylor for another asskick! 

I knew by myself that I was a fucking disgusting person. But Taylor managed it again that I also felt that way. Why the fuck did I even try my best in this job after all?

For Santiago, Blade. You're guilty for what you did to Santiago, so you have to go through this... 

That's why I had to try anyway, there was no other way and no other means for me to do it. It was all I could do to soothe my own nerves somehow.

My anger was interrupted from a knock on the door, I shook my head and tried to not think about the guilt I felt. Sighing, I stood up and walked to the door to open it. 

Lisa brought Bandito back and I told her to tell the girls to go out or to stay in their rooms for the next hour, hoping my diva brother would be finished in the bathroom in that interval so that we could leave the brothel unnoticed.

After she was gone, I sat down behind my boss desk and spent the next half hour painting a picture of a big drake who ate up two pathetic figures which looked like Skye and Taylor.

But even that didn't make me feel better.

I longed so bad to wring Skye’s neck that very morning. He was the one to blame. I wouldn’t be in this fucked up state if it wasn’t because of him.

The reason why I saved Skye? I couldn't even remember on which drugs I must have been that night...

All my instinct told me was that I should knock the living shit out of him with my bare hands to get him finally off my back. And Taylor deserved the same treatment.

As the beauty queen finally came out of the bathroom he looked distraught, but didn't say anything until I had brought him out of the brothel with Bandito limping behind us.

"We can't drive back home yet," was the first thing he said as we sat in my Lamborghini again, Bandito was lying on the backseat.

"The police is still investigating the house, they will need until the afternoon with the investigations until they're finished."

Fuck! That wasn't good news. I had hoped to be back as soon as possible to catch that fucking Freak who dared to hurt my dog. As he already visited the house twice, I was convinced he would come back to that place sooner or later.

I couldn't bring Bandito to Santiago already which meant that I had to cruise around aimlessly with Taylor until then.

I groaned.

If only I would have slept longer at least...

"I have to bring Bandito to a friend of mine later, but not before noon." I thought out loud, thinking about how I could kill the next two hours best as I came to know that Taylor already had made plans.

"Blade, I need to buy a black suit. The family of my wife will come to Pasadena today and I won't have the opportunity to get changed anymore before they will arrive on this afternoon. I have to wear some decent clothes when I meet them. I can't encounter them in jeans and T-shirt."

I didn't expect his sudden worries after he got so drunk last night that he couldn't stand straight anymore. For sure I could understand that he wanted to wear decent clothes for that meeting. Actually, it was even the first appropriate idea Taylor wanted to do about his wife's death. Finally.

The imagination to go shopping clothes bored the fuck out of me though. Now, I myself have been known to wear the same pair of torn, fraying jeans three times a week but that’s only because I’m severely lazy and mildly disgusting, not because I have nothing else to wear. 

"Yeah fine. But I can't let Bandito too long alone in the car." I replied.

"I will try to make it fast. There is a boutique in the mall in the inner city where I can get a suit. Honestly, I feel worried about meeting them. I'm not sure if they blame me of what happened..."

His voice cracked as he was saying that. I had no choice but to hear it.

I didn't know what to respond coz I sensed that he was longing for some comfort which I just couldn't give him. He finally had a clue how to act accordingly about his wife's death, but he still only saw his own pain...

In hope that the moment would just pass us, I steered my car out of the downtown district.

Suddenly, I kind of felt paranoid that someone might be following us. Maybe it was because of all the whirlwind of emotions I had in the past few days, or maybe because of my dreams. 

This part of the town had become my life since I left the Army and I knew how dangerous it could be even at day time. Especially when there’s a batshit crazy psycho fan stalking the famous superstar beside me, so I drove faster towards the inner city.

Taylor sighed loudly. As I glanced at him quickly I saw that he was looking outside watching the tropical landscapes. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

His eyes had that empty look again, the same look he had last night when we were also driving in my car.

I knew the feeling of losing someone very well. I knew how hard to swallow the fact that you wouldn’t be with the person you loved. If Taylor knew back then how to act accordingly, I would surely feel sympathy for him.

I wasn’t a heartless human being like what I showed to him. Sadly, his actions showed me only one thing; that he still didn't realize that I was hurt too.

I released a harsh breath, thoughts about our past were disturbing my concentration again. I had a very important thing to do and to care about!

The psycho fan Twink Twink was probably out there planning his next visit, but his days were already counted. I'd try my best that he would pay for what he did to Bandito!

I repeatedly checked on the side view mirrors and started observing the cars behind us. Twink Twink or even Paparazzi might be all over us before I knew it if I wouldn’t be cautious.

The Inner City was full of huge signboards from different artists pronking at their massive buildings and Taylor was one of them. It needed only a short drive through this part of the town and a few glances around to recognize that he was someone like a god here.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Huge tour posters were hanging everywhere. We passed by some music shops which played Taylor's latest music videos in non-stop loop on their TV's in the window panes.

[](http://www.directupload.net) [](http://www.directupload.net)

I was getting fucking paranoid by all those Taylor pictures everywhere!

He infuckted my life like a disease I couldn't get rid off anymore...

If his fans would experience to get treated the way like I was treated by him, maybe they'd change their minds about him. At least the smart ones. 

When we finally arrived at the mall, I tried to find a sparsely populated place where I could park my car which was almost impossible at this part of the town but at least it was still early, so I hoped that most of his crazy admirers would still be at work, school or wherever the fucking fuck...

Good thing Bandito was sleeping on the backseat right now, I really didn't need to see more vomit for today..!

I went out of the car and opened the door for her highness as I gave the place another quick glance of appraisal.

“Get out now and make it fast!" I fixed my sunglasses and waited for Cinderella to come out.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I stopped him when he was about to come out though, coz I suddenly remembered something. It was better for him to wear sunglasses as well.

"You better put on your sunglasses." The shades would help to cover a bit of his famous face at least. Taylor nodded, reached for his bag and began to clear out his stuff. He had brought a two weeks survival set in his big purse which consisted of three different cameras, his cellphone, a soft drink bottle, a cappucino can, his wallet, one packet of cigarettes, a red book and another small transparent bag full of creams, deodorants and other shit. Hell, he owned more care products than I bought in my whole life. What the fuck was he doing?

"They're right on top of your head."

"Oh yeah. I forgot." He replied, slightly confused. If he wasn't such a cold-blooded bastard, his girly scattiness could have been kind of adorable.

Silently, he put his stuff back in his bag and hung it around his shoulder, but still hesitated to climb out and looked bemused around the area instead. His eyes focussed the sky and followed the clouds which drifted past, his look was dreamy and distant. Apparently, the blue-eyed dreamer was out of touch with the real world once again.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He was such a god damn princess all the fucking time. Groaning, I snapped my fingers in Sleeping Beauty's precious face to get her out her thoughts. 

What the fuck is he waiting for? Red fucking carpet?

Finally, he put the sunglasses on and got out of the car. As we went into the mall my eyes immediately caught attention of the big Game center on the left side.

Holy Fuckness! The Warhammer 40.000 game for PS3 was already out! Damn! Damn! Why did I have to be on fucking duty right now?

Unfortunately, instead of a quick side trip to the Game world center, I had to go clothes shopping with the beauty queen. Groaning, I grimaced in boredom as I had to follow Taylor inside an expensive clothes boutique.

I hate life, I really do.

In spite of the distractions in my head, the nagging feeling to alert myself as discreet as possible had never left. I looked on the surroundings. There were no other customers yet, which was good.

“Good morning, Gentlemen! How may I help you?” A brunette sales lady with pink painted lips asked with exaggerated enthusiasm.

Could this day become better at all?

I guessed not.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Taylor: 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The entire morning was a inner fight with myself. Even though I had decided to fight for Zachary's and my reconcilation, I became to have grave doubts.

Doubts that I wasn't only forcing him to stay with me, but bringing him into a life threatening situation, just because of favoring my own needs.

I really didn't want him to go, coz I didn't want to be alone and lose the last living part of my family, but I felt that my acting couldn't be right anyway. I wanted to find another way to my brother, but not through forcing him into a dangerous situation he didn't even want to be. I realized that it would only gain his hate towards me coz I was using him for my own needs.

What would our parents say when they would see me doing that? 

How could I live with the guilt if anything happens to Zac, because of me who brought him into this situation?

I didn't even know how to live and face the guilt I caused already, but that would cap it all off.

I could never forgive me. I already ruined his life back then because of leaving him, I couldn't agree to take his life away on top of that.

It broke my already broken heart even more to speak out the words to him that he should leave me, but maybe it was the only way I could save his life. Twink Twink was my Stalker. It had nothing to do with Zachary. That strange person already killed my wife and my unborn baby, if he'd get to know that Blade was my younger brother maybe he'd want to kill him as well. I just couldn't risk that.

Probably, the last night was supposed to be a Goodbye between us. And that's why my inner instinct laid my hand in his to feel the imagination of us being brothers for a last time.

And it felt good. It felt nice to sleep not alone and have family around me. And I was thankful to Blade for letting me feel what I needed so badly in that moment. But that was only my imagination of dreams. In reality I was abusing my little brother to do the most cruel thing an older brother could do. I used him for my own needs and exposed him to danger without thinking. Since I've seen that creepy person in the surveillance video, I was haunted by fear. I've seen with my own eyes how insane that person was. And I couldn't deliver Zachary to a such a sick Freak and hide behind him on top of that.

It wasn't right.

What kind of older brother would I be if I'd allow that? 

I wasn't allowed to take my own needs over exposing him into a life threatening situation, no matter how much I wished that we would be a family again.

I knew that it was only my heart and my fear of being alone again which stopped me to say what I should have spoken out already. I just didn't want a goodbye that quick. A voice of reason, I forgot I had.

Sure, I would lie if I didn't admit that also my ego complex that my little brother was protecting me grew on me with Zac's presence on top of that. I felt pathetic and ashamed every time I thought about it that I was my little brother's dependent client. And maybe I would never get rid off that embarrassing feeling.

But that wasn't the reason why I wanted to release him. I wanted to keep my brother if only I could and try to live with it somehow. The reason was Zachary's security. His life which I wasn't allowed to ruin again.

I didn't want him to think that I release him because of my ego. After my panic attack this morning I realized that I had problems with the imagination to be suddenly alone again.

I was so scared to be alone. Not only because of my Stalker, but also because of the final loss of my last living relative.

But I wasn't allowed to use Zachary as my protective shield. I knew that he was waiting for my apologize about what I did to him and Mam and Dad which I owed him for so long. And I wished from all my heart that I could let him stay with me until I would have found the strength to talk about their death and my guilt about it, but Zac's security was more important for me than to prolong this dangerous situation for him.

With the realization how serious my situation was, I knew that there was no other way than to let him go as soon as possible.

I knew that it would be a goodbye forever.

I didn't want to lose Zachary. I didn't want to lose Blade. But I had to.

I had to lose him today to save his life...


	38. Chapter 38

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

The saleswoman looked glaring at us with her big green eyes so attentively. At first she looked up to Taylor, then to me, then back to Taylor and smiled at him. She flirtingly threw her hair back and licked her lips in a most sexually inviting manner. 

Oh fuck me, this bitch was so Fake. Barbie was more real than her.

“I want to look for some decent clothes to wear, for formal purposes please.” Taylor stated politely and took his sunglasses off.

“I'm happy to help you. This way, sir.” She smiled to us and then led us to men’s wear section. Taylor walked behind her and I followed dutifully like a real protective bodyguard behind him.

I guess some people would have found our situation odd, weird or even funny. Maybe I would have been even one of them if I never learned how it felt. But to experience Taylor's and my situation for real was completely different and anything else than funny.

It's not about a weird feeling. I wouldn't have a problem to protect my older brother if we were still buddies like we have been once, a long time ago, but I had never imagined that he would actually agree to bring me in a life threatening situation by letting me work for him as his bodyguard and placed a higher value on his own life which was apparently more important for him than mine.

I was not after his money, he could surely get other bodyguards. My soul was already lost and I didn't care about physically pains.

His unscrupulousness and carelessness was what bothered and hurt me the most.

I didn't want to fall back in pain, I was clever enough not to think about our past further coz, it would only turn my mood into the worse again, so I distracted myself and looked closely at the brunette’s long legs.

Hhhhmmmm, not bad!

As if she could read my thoughts, the brunette sales girl looked back at me with a provocative smile.

Be careful to what you wish for girl, you might get your sweet ass fucked in no time!

I smirked at her before diverting my stare at Taylor who was slowly walking down the aisle of clothes, checking them meticulously.

A little bit of distraction was enough though. Coz I had a job to finish. And that’s to catch Twink Twink the freak. I wanted to catch him so bad for what he did to Bandito. He was my constant companion for the last seven years. I couldn't forgive him for that.

“I need to try these clothes, where’s the fitting room?” Taylor had found an appropriate ensemble for him. A light blue button down shirt, a vest, a black suit and black shoes. I kept silent the whole time he was picking, hoping he would be finished soon.

I checked my phone for messages and noticed that I got 6 unread messages. Shit!

All of them were from regular costumers of my brothel who wanted an appointment from me for some perversions with them. Obviously Chantal or Lisa gave our costumers my new number already. Even though I furnished particulars in the weekly record that I wouldn't take appointments these days, horniness couldn't stop my costumers. But that was predictable.

I didn't even know what to answer them. If only I knew when this damn job would be over...

Probably, I would lose good paying costumers because of this fucking security job and the girls too. I didn't want them to have drawbacks because of my absence.

I sighed. My mind was too occupied in the last few days.

“Let me assist you sir.” Miss long legs grabbed the clothes from Taylor’s arms and guided him to the fitting room. I rested my back and right foot on the pole in the middle of the shop and watched the brunette fake Barbie waiting for Taylor outside the fitting room. I was getting bored. Shopping trips were not exactly my favorite pastime.

After long minutes of waiting, Taylor emerged from the fitting room, wearing the same clothes like before.

“Can I try another one please? This one isn’t my size.”

“Sure sir. Great choice.” Her pink painted lips smiled at him.

What the…. what is this? A fashion show? What the fucking hell!

With all the strength I had in me to control my anger, I remained silent and composed. I wanted to check on the games section area, but instead, I was stuck here waiting for Taylor. He was too busy trying the clothes he picked, he probably wouldn't even notice my absence if I would be quick.

But to leave my workplace and risk that something could happen was beyond question. Taylor was too famous and I had to expect to deal with some of his crazy fans anytime. And I would never forgive myself if I'd miss another chance to catch his fucking Stalker! He should suffer in my bare hands because of what he did to Bandito!

Taylor tried another set of clothes, unfuckingfortunately, he didn’t like it as well.

“Sir, I think you need to try a smaller size. Let me get another one for you.” She went back to the men’s section, not giving up on the one and only Taylor Perfect Hanson. But if she could act patient and enthusiastic towards my diva brother at the same time, well fucking Blade couldn’t!

Even though I tried my best to be calmed while doing this bodyguard job for my older brother, it seemed like all those plans would come into nothing.

I shoved my cell back into my pants pocket and stomped toward the fitting room like a T-Rex through Jurassic Park with flaring nostrils.

“Uhm, Miss, can you get me a black tie as well?” Taylor unashamedly asked behind the door.

“I’m not a fucking miss, I am your bodyguard and I’m getting pissed. What’s taking you so long, Taylor?” I snarled, opened the swing door of the fitting room a bit, not caring that he was standing there topless. I could tell he was nothing but skin and bones.

He gave me a frown and shut the door again. I was so bored right now.

"I can't meet my step-parents looking like a tramp, Blade. I need a suit in the right size." He declared, before his look fell on a tie and belt stand on the other side.

"Hey will you grab that tie for me please? The black one, please?"

I will not reach out and strangle him... I will not reach out and strangle him.

"I'm here to keep you alive, not help you shop Taylor!"

I heard the brunette sales lady took a quick breath behind me, unfortunately, she was near enough to hear me.

“T-Taylor?” She asked as she stared at the door of the fitting room. Apparently, she just recognized who he was, coz she suddenly looked like she was having a face orgasm.

Not that as well! What the hell did I do to deserve this, Lord? WHAT I ASK?

At least, she managed to get another suit for Taylor quickly.

"I'm convinced this one will fit you, Taylor." She was almost singing in her element as she laid him the black tie he wanted with another suit over the swing door of the fitting room.

“Good, then wear these, pay, and let’s get the hell of here!”

I was getting sick of this shit. As much as I accepted that he needed a suit for the upcoming meeting, now it felt like he was testing my patience. Bandito was alone in my car, my costumers were waiting for their pleasure and I was caught in a fucking nightmare of a gay fashion show!

But I didn’t want to make a scene. There were new customers getting inside the shop and getting everyone’s attention was the last thing I needed.

By miracle or through divine intervention, Taylor finally emerged from the fitting room wearing a perfectly fitting black suit. The sales lady beside me gasped for air as she saw him again. I noticed the flushed rose of her cheeks when she looked at my brother.

“Finally.” I exclaimed petulantly, but at the same time, the fact that he was done choosing clothes made me sighed in relief.

I turned my head to Miss Long Legs who looked at my brother as if she just met god in person as he asked her to assist him on his payment.

As her reactions made it obvious that she recognized him, I had to make sure that the situation would stay unexposed. I could read all the signs; the excited smile that she was trying to hide, the slightly insane glint in her eyes, like she wanted to jump over the counter and grab my brother's junk, the sudden fiddling with the chain of her necklace. I sensed that she was only a fraction before she would go crazy because of him, so I had to do something!

I reacted based on my instinct without second thoughts, grabbed her elbow and pulled her to the side.

“Hey Blade, what the hell are you doing?” Taylor got in my way of protecting him and tried to stop me by laying his hand on my arm.

“Ssshhhh, be quiet!” I told him in a low tone, while putting my index finger to my lips to emphasize what I meant.

I pushed the sales lady against the wall gently. I felt Taylor’s burning stare on my back.

“Listen young girl, calm down! We don't need everybody's attention. Got, it?” I said quietly but emphatically. Good thing we were out of sight of the customer’s area.

She flushed, then her shock was replaced with a grin, too.

"I won't freak out, but ....I want to get a photo with uhm... Taylor." She blushed more as his name came over her lips. "Can I get a picture with you Taylor?" As she turned her face to him, she was bright red in excitement.

I groaned in exasperation.

I will never get those High Society snobs, that's for sure!

"Yeah, of course." Taylor agreed politely, his voice sounded weak and throaty though.

Shyly she went over to him, pulled her mobile phone out of her pocket and made a photo with him.

"Thank you Taylor!" She giggled happily.

"You're welcome. No problem." He replied friendly.

"Now pay your fucking clothes and let us leave!" I growled, I finally needed to get out of here!

Taylor shot me an annoyed glance as he walked to the counter, but didn't say anything until we left the boutique.

"Thank you, come again!" Barbie waved excitedly after us as we went toward the exit. I couldn't get outta here fast enough...

"Don’t draw attention to yourself and keep your sunglasses on!” I reminded Taylor once we were out of the boutique.

But he didn't. Instead he followed me silently in thoughts out of the mall.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

All of a sudden he stopped as we reached the parking area.

"Come on Taylor, Bandito is waiting." I commanded him and motioned him to follow me. Thankfully, at the moment were no people in sight, but that could change any moment.

But he didn't react. The annoyed expression on his face was gone, instead, he stood there and looked at me sadly and painfully. I didn't get his actions, one moment he looked like he wanted to fight with me and the next one he looked like a rat trampled to death...

"Please wait, Blade. I gotta talk to you." He suddenly exclaimed in a pleading tone.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

His words shot through my mind like pistol shot and I turned around to him in an instant.

"I can't do this anymore..." He mumbled and lowered his head that I couldn't see his eyes anymore.

"What can't you do anymore, Taylor?"

Was there hope that he finally realized what he was doing to me? Or would he wimp out again?

Stop hemming and hawing around Taylor. I want an answer. Don't just hem and haw around. Speak up! I want to hear it.

I stared at him impatiently. A lump in my throat build up but I knew it better than to show weakness and managed it to swallow it down somehow. Finally he found his voice again.

"This. Us. I mean look at us. I know how much you hate it to be around me, I can feel it in every breath you take and how much you wish this job would be over already. I... don't want you to go... Blade, but I realized that I'm not allowed to favor my own needs above bringing you in danger and pull you out of your own life on top of that. I can't force you to something you don't want to. I... I don't have the right to do that."

His voice cracked several times while he was speaking. I heard him take a shaky breath before he continued.

"That's why I want to release you, Blade. You are free and can go back to your own life. You don't have to stay with me anymore. I just... can't do this to you anymore."

After he said his last sentence his composure crumbled completely, he began to sob and suddenly burst into tears.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't expect that he would cry.

He finally realized the situation, but still didn't give me an explanation why he left me.

Ashamed, he turned his back to me.

"Sorry, I don't want you to see me cry." He whimpered, wiping his tears away with his hands before he turned around to me again after a while, but apparently couldn't stop himself from sobbing anyway.

Sure I could ask him why he didn't tell me the reason finally, but that's a thing which had to come from himself.

But it was too late. I couldn't change him and he couldn't change me.

If there was ever hope that I would receive an explanation from him, it just died.

And instead of blaming him, I began to feel guilty.

He gave up on me.

And it hurt.


	39. Chapter 39

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade: 

I felt hurt and guilty and didn't know what to do.

Taylor stood there like a picture of misery and I knew that he was trying to hold his tears back.

[](http://www.directupload.net),

I unlocked the car, bent down and took a package of tissues out of the glove compartment which I need sometimes because of Bandito's sensitive stomach.

I handed one of the tissues to Taylor without comment.

He looked at me suprised for a moment before he took it and wiped his reddened eyes and cheeks with it.

"I guess this is where we say goodbye to each other, right?"

He sadly asked me as I still didn't say something and reached out his hand to say goodbye.

I sighed. I couldn't believe this shit.

What the fuck shall I do?

Why Taylor, why?

I couldn't understand him, yet I had to make a decision.

"No Taylor, this is not a fucking goodbye. I can't go anymore. I gave a promise which I can't break."

"But that's not right... you might die! We might die!"

"I know Taylor. I'm fully aware of that. That's how business works."

"But... you have to go Blade! I don't know how to live with it, if anything will happen to you. I don't want you to get in danger!" He entreated me desperate this time.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Why Taylor, why all of a sudden? You didn't have a problem with it for nine fucking years and now you suddenly care?

I wanted to shout into his face: Why? 

He wanted to release me because he couldn't live with more guilt. But it was too late for me to go.

"Well, we both have to live with that now Taylor, because like I said, I won't bail out of this job, no matter if you care about me or not. I don't know if your freaking Stalker is better than me, but I will protect you with my life. And if both of us will die, then it's our destiny." I managed it to say calmly even though internally I was screaming. Screaming because of despair.

"And you would really die for me?" He looked at me as if he still couldn't believe that I'd die for him without hesitation if I had to.

"Yes Taylor, that's my job." I assured him one more time. No matter if he wanted to fire me or not, nothing could change my mind anymore.

He swallowed hard when he noticed how resolute I was and tried to blink away new upcoming tears.

"I don't know what to say..." He sobbed and began to fumble at his clufflinks, his breath coming in shaky little hiccups. 

"Let's get in the car first, we have to talk about few things," I said quietly, went the last few meters to my Lamborgini and opened the passenger door for him, then walked around to the drivers side.

He nodded and we got in the car. Bandito was luckily still sleeping on the back seat.

"This job doesn't work if you don't trust me Taylor. I want to catch your fucking Stalker but I need your cooperation. It is therefore necessary that you trust me."

"I know. I want to trust you Blade. I really do. But to be honest, you scare me most of the time. And you are here to protect me and not to scare me. How can I act normally if I feel intimidated by you most of the time?"

Oh well, that was honest. But instead of being glad about his honesty, I found myself feel even more guilty after hearing that.

How could I question him for not appreciating my actions if he felt that way? 

“You shouldn’t be scared around me Taylor, it is my job to protect you and not to hurt you. If I have to give my life on doing it, I'll do it, coz that's how this business works, you know. What I do to protect you might be intimidating for you, but that's because it's my job. But don't forget there's a difference between work and private life. So just don’t piss me off and we’ll get along. Simple as that.”

In my brother’s current state and honesty, I thought he needed assurance. Well, at least he could be assured that I would do my part as his bodyguard. I'm not an expert of words and Taylor always had a better sense of sensitivity and empathy than I had. Through the life I led, maybe I already forgot tactfulness and how to deal right with emotions. I could only hope that he would take my words at face value this time.

“Well, yeah I just don't know how to deal with it. Not only because of the danger of life, but I mean... that you protect me." His cheeks turned a shade of pink as he said that.

Somehow, it irritated me that it was about his ego again.

"Why do you have such a fucking problem with it Taylor?"

"Because, actually I should take care of you. Not the opposite. Isn't that awkward for you too?" He gave me a frown.

"Why do you think I would have a problem to take care of you because of that?"

"Because I'm the older one. It's mother nature!"

I groaned.

"Are we seriously talking about this little brother older brother bullshit now? How old are we? 6 and 8? Does it really matter? If you think closely about it Taylor, I'm only two fucking years younger than you which is NOTHING at our age. Besides to that, in how many families does a two age years difference really still matter after childhood? I'm honest Taylor, I don't give a flying fuck about this little brother - older brother bullshit!"

"Yeah but it's awkward and embarrassing for me anyway." Apparently my answer couldn't satisfy him.

"I think the real question Taylor is, would we have the same dumb conversation if we would have the same age, or if I would be a few weeks or months older than you? Why the hell should this fucking matter? It's about being there for each other. And you know best that I'm fucking able to take care of myself. Would I be fucking here otherwise?!?"

He sighed resigned after that.

"You are the weirdest little brother I ever met." He shook his head and for a moment a weak smile formed across his lips.

"No, I'm just a smartass." I smirked.

We silenced for a while, both in our own thoughts. I felt weird that Taylor actually managed to make me smile a little after everything. I noticed that he wanted to say something, coz he opened his mouth but apparently needed a few attempts until the words finally came out of his mouth.

"It's just because you know, the fact that my little brother does protect me instead of me doing it for him.” That was almost inaudibly. But I heard it.

Another tear rolled down his cheeks and he instinctively turned his face away from me. It was the first time that my famous brother Taylor Hanson admitted that he felt that I was doing his job. I didn't expect that he would have such a problem with it to be honest. Maybe my reaction was too rough again. Was I? 

Would I feel different if I'd be in his situation? I honestly didn't know the answer.

He trailed off and I figured he was trying to work out how to put what he wanted to say. I kept silent until he pulled me out of my thoughts with another question. 

"You... you probably internally make fun about me the whole time of what a coward pussy I am, right?"

Taylor was slowly going bright red. He sheepishly sniffed, wiped his eyes and bowed his head ashamed down that his long light blond hair strains covered a part of his face. His voice was weak and embarrassed. I remembered that Taylor had back then a slight complex because many people thought that he'd be a girl. He didn't look that girly anymore like he did back then, but he still had that innocent baby face with those slightly feminine and untypical delicate features.

"No, that's not what I do. Yeah, I admit that I didn't think much of you the first time we met, coz you look like a stiff breeze can blow you over. That was my first impression of you. But everyone would need a bodyguard in your situation Taylor. And you don't need to feel ashamed that I protect you."

"Well, it's not that simple..." He shivered and let out a quite hiccup.

"I'm not trying to be mean Taylor, but what would you do if it will ever happen that you are suddenly in a dangerous situation and need my help? It might cost your life if you hesitate to shout for help after your little brother to come for you coz you feel too ashamed. You shouldn't let your embarrassment lead you, Taylor. In such a situation there's whether place nor time for pussy bullshit like that."

I didn't intend to hurt him with my sayings, but I knew that it was very important for him to visualize a dangerous situation in which every second counts.

"I know. I...I just feel so pathetic when I think about it." I could hear the wince in his voice as he spoke, it sounded almost strained. His voice was so small and his cheeks were blushed all over with shame.

"You don't need to feel that way Taylor. Really." I assured him. I laid my hand on his shoulder for a moment and looked at him intently.

"I try Blade, but I really need my time to get used that you are my bodyguard and I'm dependent from your protection. Please bear with me Blade. This is all so new and unusual for me..." He beseeched me feebly and took a shuddering breath. He sank awkwardly deeper into his seat after that confession and pulled his legs onto the seat to his upper body as if he wanted to curl up into a ball.

"I see." I gave in after a while of silence. I sensed that I couldn't push him about it. Even though Taylor's and my age difference was in my opinion not even worth mentioning, I began to realize Taylor really needed his time to get used to it and that I just couldn't expect him to skip over the way he felt in a snap.

I didn't expect that Taylor could still be such a sensitive person to be honest. But I appreciated his honesty, coz I knew now how sensitive the subject was for him and that it wasn't easy for him to talk about it with me.

I really didn't want Taylor to feel ashamed because of me. If I could, I'd give him all the time he needed, the only problem was we didn't have that time. I didn't know how I could help him to get used to it, but I would try to be more considerate towards him, hoping he could get used to it soon.

Otherwise, we will have a very serious problem between us.

Taylor didn't make it easy for me to stay. It meant to protect a brother who wanted to get rid of me and felt ashamed of me. But I gave a promise and I carried a part of the guilt for scaring him... I could see that Taylor needed comfort and protection in his current sensitive state. And I was here as his bodyguard, so it was also part of my job to work on our cooperation. I had seen how scared he was this morning when I came in the hotel room and got a panic attack. Apparently, he had a nightmare because of watching the surveillance video with me. If I leave Taylor in his current weak and defenseless condition, he was an easy victim for his Stalker. Twink Twink would have an easy job to overpower him, kidnap him and do whatever he wanted to do with him if I don't stay and protect him. I sighed. Hopefully, this would be the right decision... 

"By the way, you look like a gangster with your ponytail, your dark sunglasses and your big black dog..." Taylor suddenly blurted out and made it obvious that he wanted to change the subject.

Instead of reacting to his remark, I answered with a counter question.

"Is that the reason why you don't trust me Taylor? Coz I really tried to do my job in the past few days, but honestly, I couldn't feel that you appreciated anything I did for you so far."

These words suddenly came out from my mouth for reasons unknown. But I felt that I had to speak them out in hope to find out the reason why he didn't trust me.

"It's just because you are so different. You have changed so much..." He shyly uttered out and gave me another timid look of appraisal. A pang of guilt shot through me, making me cold on the inside as I noticed how intimidated he was by me.

I silenced for a minute before I finally answered.

"Yeah. I know." I agreed quietly. He was right that I went through some very dark shit. And I didn't know what he would think about me, or if he'd still get to know me after he'd know more things about me. But I also knew that I wasn't innocent as well, coz I didn't give us a chance for a good start.

"If you'll let me, I'd like to get to know more about you Blade." He whispered almost.

"I don't think that's a good idea." I honestly confessed.

Because of Taylor's words a reflection of my life in the past few years ran through my head. Culprits I had to torture during investigations, enemies I had to kill to survive and in the end Santiago's accident which broke me and him down and ended our common Army time. Santiago was the reason why I accepted this job. I was with my brother because I was paying for a debt that could never be paid.  
Not to mention all the disgusting things I had made with perverse costumers over the last year in my job as a pimp and my cocaine addiction on top of that. I was so absolutely and completely fucked up.

Who would still want to get to know such a person after all that? 

That's why Taylor's answer surprised me even more.

"But I think so." He said and looked directly into my eyes for the first time during the conversation.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It felt good to talk calmly. To feel a little more relaxed after three days passed filled of anger and headaches.

But despite the fact that we finally found a normal state, didn't change that I was still hurt. And it was torturing me. I couldn't understand why Taylor didn't find the courage to finally tell me about it.

But now I was willing to give him more time and us a second start because I knew now that he cared. 

He cared about me.


	40. Chapter 40

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

"Hey look who's awake!" Taylor exclaimed surprised as suddenly Bandito's head appeared between our seats. He was cheerfully waggling his tail as he saw us sitting side by side.

"Hey buddy, what's going on? Gotta pee, huh?!" I smiled and reached my hand out to stroke his fur.

Unintenional my hand suddenly touched Taylor's by accident who apparently also wanted to stroke Bandito at the same spot.

"Sorry." He said and pulled his hand quickly back a bit.

I thought back at the feeling of his hand in mine as I woke up this morning. Since I knew that Taylor cared about me, everything was put in a total different complexion on things.

After what he had done to me back then, I would have never imagined that I'd ever let him to take my hand again. But since I knew that he cared, I began to sense that there must be a reason why he did it. I just didn't know what his secret was yet.

As I didn't say something, he interrupted my thoughts with a question which wasn't louder then a sigh.

"What are we now Blade?" He carefully asked. "Brothers or workmates?"

I didn't know what to do. No, that was a fucking lie. I did. I just didn't know if I could speak it out. Maybe it wasn't fair from him that he expected me to call us brothers again even though he didn't even give me an explanation for his leaving, but I realized that I couldn't pressure him in his current state.

Even though I had no idea how to tell him which kind of person I had become, I realized that Taylor needed to regain strength. And maybe he could find it back with me as his pool of strength.

So instead of lengthening the awkward situation, I reached out and took his pale fingers in mine accompanied by the most surprising look of his blue eyes I've seen so far.

"We are brothers." I stated and squeezed his hand firmly in mine.

His eyes became wet again and a few new tears rolled down his cheeks. But he smiled. And that's all what mattered.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"You woudn't get rid off me anymore anyway since that bastard dared to hurt Bandito!" I told him and threw the package with the rest tissues into his lap.

He took them and wiped his tears away. I gave him a minute to calm down. Bandito licked over our hands and reminded us about his own needs.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Around the corner there is a small grass field," Taylor said and pointed to the other side of the parking area.

"Yeah?"

"Yes I know this area very well, I'm sometimes here to go shopping."

"Oh yeah. I thought so." I gave him a stupid smirk and he rolled his eyes good-naturedly and couldn't help to smile as well.

We got out of the car and I carried Bandito to the grass field. Luckily, no people were in sight right now. Taylor pulled his cigarette box out of his bag and followed us. He stopped at the side of the pavement as we reached the grass field, probably to not get stains on his new suit.

"How much time do we have left until we have to bring Bandito to your friend?" He asked, a lit up cigarette hanging loosely between his lank fingers.

I put Bandito down and pulled the phone out of my pocket.

"An hour." I answered.

"Do you think we can let Bandito in the car one more time? Coz I need to get shaved."

Oh come on? Isn’t he going to give me a break!?

"I want to go to a barber shop. I want to look acceptable in front of Nat’s parents. It’s making me nervous. I couldn't shave for two days coz you took my shaving things away. So we have to go to a salon."

"Yeah that's okay." I sighed. Did I have a choice? Apparently Taylor was still a perfectionist. I mean I could understand his actions, even though I wouldn't make a lot of hoopla like he did. As yet he didn't even look unshaved except a hint of golden stubble on his jaw.

Even though to go shopping and getting pretty were things which bored the fuck out of me, I was somehow amazed about his caring to arrange matters. And instead of feeling irritated because of his plans, I was ok with them.

As long as he didn't force me to spend another hour in a fancy schmanzy clothes boutique!

As we went back to my car, my stomach suddenly rumbled loudly. Because of my upset stomach this morning, I couldn't eat something yet. And Taylor once again declined as I asked him.

Somehow, I felt unsatisfied. So far I didn't know why. But with the rumbling of my empty stomach I realized what it was.

I was worried because Taylor didn't want to eat.

"Do you like to eat first?" He asked, as we reached my car again.

"We will get lunch at my friend's bar later, I think I can wait until then." I said, unlocked the doors and put Bandito carefully down on the back seat again. I purposely said 'we' in hope Taylor would acquaint himself with the thought already, but he didn't reply something to that.

Somehow I had to find a way to convince Taylor to eat again. I didn't know when was the last time he ate something coz I didn't see him eating so far. I could see that he was getting weaker. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I could recognize it in the way he was walking. I knew the feeling very well.

During my Army time I had to ignore my grumbling stomach for days sometimes. But another year has passed already since then. Meanwhile my stomach was used to regular food schedule again, but still, I could manage to deal with it, if I had to. Random thoughts about my past soldier experience ran through my head. Eating was never our priority during our missions, our main goal was to do our job, to catch the guilty party who spread anomaly and crime in the society. The long days of longing for proper food and bath seemed to be long gone now, but every time I think about them, they felt like they just happened the day before. I bit my inner lips hard, I was planting the wrong images in my head.

I knew that it was only a question of time until Taylor's condition would become really serious if he didn't eat something soon. He already was very thin and in his current condition I wasn't sure how much more his body could withstand. From now on, to convince him to eat something was my goal.

There were still unclarified things between us. But he had to eat something first until we could focus on other things.

"I think it's better to look for a barber shop somewhere else," I said as I suddenly saw a bunch of people coming out from a bus in front of the entrance of the mall. Apparently the time of the high season slowly began.

"We can drive to the other side of the mall and use the entry on the east side, the barber shop is closer to that entry anyway," he informed me and put his cigarette out before he got back in the car.

Good thing Taylor already knew where the shops where located. I knew that I couldn't expect luck to find a shop with only a few costumers everywhere we go to, but if there was a chance to avoid a mighty concourse of people, we'd take it.

So I agreed quickly and got back in as well. I steered my Lamborghini down from the parking area towards the East side.

Both us kept silent for a while as I drove off again. The thought that I just got back a part of my family was unfamiliar. I could sense that it took a load off Taylor's mind that I was here as his brother again. But as much as I wished for to feel the same, I wasn't able to share the pleasure with him coz I couldn't help to feel still hurt. There were still unanswered questions for me why Taylor left me nine years ago and I didn't know how our relationship could get better with the secret he was holding back from me.

Why, just why couldn't he finally speak it out? 

I wanted him to get better, but at the same time, I couldn't help to wish that he wouldn't let me leave in the darkness forever. I wanted to dig more truth from him, but now that Taylor and I had an agreement of treating each other as brothers again, I decided to wait for his courage to tell me everything that he had to say.

I shook my head to erase the torturing past thoughts out of my head. I was on duty and I had to be vigilant! Entertaining the ghost of the past would only jeopardize the mood between us and bring back a lot of headaches. 

I looked around the area for appraisal when we arrived the parking area on the East side. The parking area was busier here already as well, but I could find a parking lot near the entry.

There was a barber shop on the right side in the hallway of the mall, I could see it from afar. It was not possible to see how many costumers were inside though. 

“There. There’s the barber shop on the right.” Taylor gushed beside me.

"Yeah I just saw it too." I responded and slowed down to park my car.

My light mood suddenly changed though and I felt uncomfortable as a weird image came to my head. Silently I looked over to Taylor for a moment. Now, that I had agreed that we were brothers again, would he always want to recruit me to do his activities as well?

I frowned at the thought of me shopping with him and Skye. The imagination of me getting introduced in Taylor's and Skye's gay glitter world was kinda strange and ridiculous. The thought alone makes me feel misplaced. 

Although Skye had always been nice towards me, his bubbly attitude was still fucking disturbing.

Damn! Even though Taylor and I finally got along, both of us were used to lead completely different lives. While I was used to rough manners in my daily routine, Taylor and I obviously had totally different interests. I didn't have a problem with it that he was used to be the center of attention and to keep him away from his overzealous fans, but I couldn't see a way how I should ever get used to that fucking High Society world which just felt unreal to me.

I parked my Lamborghini in front of the salon and looked over to Taylor until his face turned into a concern look. I could tolerate Taylor's behaviour, he was a much better companion than his never ending bubbling of a manager.

"Blade, are you ok? What are you thinking about?" Taylor asked as he noticed my glance.

"Yeah, I just thought about a strange imagination." I told him and couldn't suppress a grimace as I said that.

"What?" He asked curiously. I sighed. Better we clarified it asap instead of loading another shit on me.

"Let's face it Taylor. We are totally different persons. We live completely different lives. And to be honest I don't know how the fuck I will ever get used to the world in which you live. I just don't fit in that High Society world."

He kept silent for a moment and I wasn't even sure if he would respond at all until he finally answered.

"You know what, Blade? Abraham Lincoln once said an interesting line which you might think about. If you don't know a good answer, just steal it from someone who already said it best. So if you can't top it just steal from them and go out strong. Maybe you like this line; We must not be enemies. Though the past may have strained, it must not break our bond of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."

If I wouldn't have known it better, I would tell you now that my brother was on drugs.

But with Taylor, I wasn't even surprised about his sayings. Apparently, he still had his very own, unique way of expressing things with heart and passion, always trying to better the lives of people half way around the world or in his own hometown...

"I don't really know if that will help." I frowned at him. "I mean, I don't even know how you can get along with someone like Skye at your side. Don't you ever feel the urge to just make him shut the fuck up?"

I stared at him questioningly, while my fingers unaware gripped the steering wheel harder as if it was Skye's neck. So I spoke it out. Eventually, it was enough with one of us sitting on a secret! Besides, patience has never counted to my strengths.

"Oh, come on. What do you have against him? You don't even know him well." Taylor frowned back at me.

"Luckily not. Coz I really don't like it when people use my best friend behind my back to force me to do something for them."

I answered and meant every word of it. My anger was finally blown away and I wasn't even that mad with Skye anymore, coz I was totally aware of that without his efforts I would have never came to known that I had a brother who actually still cared about me. I just didn't agree with the way it happened. Because of Skye using Santiago, I didn't have freedom of opinion and had no choice than to gave in to this job.

I didn't reproach Taylor for the way Skye acted. But if he would have tried to find me earlier, he wouldn't have needed to send out his Loverboy to convince people to work for him behind their backs. I would have been there for my brother anyway if we had stayed in contact.

That's why I couldn't feel something like sympathy towards Skye. I just couldn't feel sympathy for Manipulators like that. 

I honestly didn't even know if would I be able to control myself and get the thought out of my mind to punch Skye's pretty face the moment he began to talk to my face endlessly again. I knew my temper very well, and around Skye, my temper was getting thinner than it already was. I already fought the urge to dismember him at the prospect to see him again. I hated two-faced people. I never knew which side to punch first.

Maybe it would be easier not to be stubborn and resentful about Skye if Taylor would finally reveal his secret about what happened back then.

But currently, the only reason which made me calm and eased my anger was the fact that I had a brother who cared about me. Coz if Skye wouldn't have made use of his 'tricks', I would still lead a life without a real family. I knew I had to focus on that fact next time I saw him to stay calm.

"He's not that bad, Blade. If you would know him like I do, you would realize that too."

The way Taylor defended his friend, I could imagine that their relationship was close. Maybe even closer than it should be? Taylor was married and he mentioned that his wife was pregnant, but his gay tendencies spoke against his married life. Somehow it was a contradiction.

I didn't argue with Taylor about Syke anymore, coz I couldn't help the way I felt right now.

And Skye and me couldn't get along, if that was his usual way on arranging matters.

Not that I longed for his friendship anyway! I'd sooner shove my cock into a toaster than to become friends with such a smug smoothie...

However, it would probably need more than one day to get to know more about Taylor. In nine fucking years a lot of things can happen. Back then, he was a weirdo. Well, we both were in our own ways.

And now here we were. Nine years later.

Obviously still weirdos! I chuckled to myself. 

Looking at the past still hurt me, but to experience Taylor's pain and worries about me made it finally easier for me to deal with my own pain and focus on what was happening in front of me.

Just us at the current situation. Taylor needed my protection and I wanted to protect him because I was capable of doing it. At first, it was only for Santiago, but as I learned more about my brother, my purpose for the job was becoming personal. His freaking Stalker hurt my dog and he ruined my brother's life. Now it was my personal case. Coz I wanted to pay that fucking sicko back for what he did to them.

Actually, I would have never thought that I'd forgive Taylor that soon. Hell, I'd never thought that I'd ever forgive him! But I felt that Taylor's tears were real. I sensed that he was sorry for what he did to me, even though he didn't talk about it with me.

With my outbursts of anger I wanted to reflect the pain what he had done to me, how my life changed because he wasn't there, but instead of getting an explanation I reached the exact opposite.

I scared Taylor so much that he began to feel afraid of me which I didn't intend. Eventually, I was here to protect him!

But the brutally truth was that I treated him like the last piece of shit in the most hardest days of his life because it was how I felt treated by him for the last nine years. I didn't want to lose him and I almost killed myself in my lonely sorrow because of him. Since I was working for my brother I thought that he would only have eyes for his own pain like back then and was trying to find an easy way to fix things with me to get over the past without to face the pain and divorce from reality like he usually did. I knew that I reminded him of the past every time he looked or talked with me, like he reminded me of the eighteen year old he has been once.

The pretty dreamer with the head in the clouds...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Now, that Taylor just bursted into tears and was on the verge of a mental breakdown, I realized what I had done and that I had to make up to him for the cruel way I treated him, even though he has been cruel to me as well. But still, I felt like that I was the bad boy in this fucking adventure, even more since I knew how much I scared him.

From now on, I wanted to give us a chance and to try to fix things between us. After all these years, it felt good to know that my pent-up anger was starting to fade away. And maybe if Taylor would tell me the real reason why he left, things would be even better. 

All in all I could say that if I haven't been too blind because of my rage and listened to the words from the old geezer, I probably could have skipped a lot of headaches, if I wasn't such a stubborn bastard. I could only hope that I didn't push Taylor too far. 

I wanted Taylor to feel safe around me, I wanted him to trust me. And in making him trust me, I had to show him my trust at first. To reach that, I had to run a risk.

Now that we were brothers again didn't mean that Taylor suddenly didn't have suicide tendencies anymore because of his pregnant wife's death and his suffer from paranoia about his Stalker.

I turned to him and thought about how I could say it best.

However! No time for long thinking, Blade!

"Taylor, before we will go into that salon, we have to clarify a subject first. Actually, I have to tie your wrists in handcuffs again for the time in which you get shaved that you won't dare to do any harm to yourself. But we are now in public. And even though there are not many costumers in the salon right now, I have to expect that you'll get recognized everywhere and every time. I want you to trust me Taylor and to show you that I want to make this job right. From now on, I won't tie your wrists anymore if you promise me faithfully that you will not try to kill yourself anymore. Deal?"

"I won't try to kill myself anymore Blade. Really. I promise it." He assured me and his blue eyes gave me a sincere look.

"Okay." I answered. I could only hope that he didn't lie. 

I knew there was no other way to reach his trust than to show him my own.


	41. Chapter 41

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

I decided to go in the barber shop alone at first, not only to check the state of affairs, but to ask if it would be possible to rent the salon for about a quarter-hour. In Taylor's current state, the last thing he needed was more curious and overzealous fans, or even worse celebrity reporters. Both of us didn't need to see a drama getting out of control. The sudden appearance of my superstar brother would surely excite the people around him. I just experienced it a half hour ago and was glad that the situation didn't go too far.

Taylor looked tired and exhausted after our visit in the clothes boutique, but he was still trying to keep his head up. Hopefully some relaxation while getting shaved and some food in Santiago's bar would give new heart to him. Maybe it was an exaggeration to ask for to rent the whole shop just for one person, even though my brother was a famous superstar, but Taylor needed quiet surroundings in his current state and that's what I wanted to try to arrange for him.

"Stay here, I'll talk to the storekeeper first, ok? I need to make sure that the barber shop is safe for you."

"Is that really necessary? You didn't need to do that for the visit in the clothes boutique."

He frowned at me, but his voice sounded nervous. Something stirred inside of me, seeing how helpless he looked like.

"Yeah I know, but this place has gotten busier in the meantime. I have to check the state of affairs first, so stay here and wait for me, ok? I'll be back in a few minutes." 

I wanted to finish the task as fast as possible, that we could eat something soon. And if it was possible to rent the salon for a short while, then I would arrange it. With that in mind, I reached out to open the car door next to me to get out.

"Blade!" I heard Taylor's voice behind me, there was some panic in it.

"Yeah?" I stopped midway and turned around to him.

"Never mind..." He mumbled, but his blue eyes were pleading me to stay. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I sensed that he still couldn't speak it out, the pink color of his cheeks revealed his shame once again. His panic attack was still fresh in my memory for both of us. I could surely understand that he didn't like to be alone already. But I felt that he wasn't ready to ask me to stay.

"The side windows of my Lamborghini are tinted, so climb on the back seat next to Bandito and nobody's gonna see you Taylor." I talked to him reassuringly. I knew that he was scared and I was worried to leave him, but I couldn't be careless on taking Taylor inside without making sure of his safety first. Besides, Bandito was with him. My smart dog's injury couldn't stop him once his protective instinct rush. I trained Bandito, I worked with him for years through thick and thin. That's why besides to Santiago, I gave him my trust fully. 

"Bandito is here with you, Taylor. You've seen how he angrily bitten your dirty stalker last night. He will protect you, I can guarantee you that." I said to make him feel better as he was beginning to look pale again. I didn't want to leave without making sure that he'd be alright alone in the car. 

I looked up to him and waited for his reply.

After moments of probably thinking of the pros and cons, Taylor finally agreed and sighed loudly.

"Okay, but please hurry up!"

"I'll be back before anyone can steal your precious butt, little sis!" I teased, trying to lighten the mood. Then I slammed the car door shut and walked towards the East entrance.

Even though the mall in the inner city had probably one of the most biggest video game departments, it was the first time I was here. Since Santiago and me left the Army after eight years term of service I had no feeling and sense for any contacts with the society. His accident last year put too much guilt on me, that I hardly could bear anyone around me for several weeks after that.

I had to bury my emotions somehow to find a way back to life. The Red Light district was not a part of the town where you easily get contacts and find new friends, that's why it was a perfect place to work for me over the last year. I could hide my ass within the dirty dregs of society to which I somehow belonged, since I ruined my best friend's life...

I didn't give a shit about my own life anymore since I maimed my best friend for life. My feelings of guilt had destroyed me more than blades ever could. In my head I had killed myself more times than days I have lived. Let's just say if a car was coming towards me, I wouldn't scream, cry, run, I would just stand there...

Somehow I find it crazy how any of us can die at any moment, yet we live our lifes always planning for the future. For my own part, I knew if I'd die, it would be what I had deserved. I didn't want a happy ending anymore. I just waited for an end. My death would probably be the only way to pay my debt.

The downtown district in which I lived was dark, dirty and criminal, but it felt like home. I didn't realize how much that kind of life had become to myself and to who I was until now.

I wasn't even used to talk to so many different persons anymore, like I did in the last few days. As I walked my ass into the mall for a second time today, I realized for the first time what an outsider I had become. I never looked up to anyone, I never trusted anyone, except my only friend Santiago. The colorful dressed customers of the mall on their bargain hunting around me only heightened that feeling in me of being a social outcast even more. I had more scars than friends.

Within all the strange people who passed by me on my way to the salon, I felt for the first time how lonely I was.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

How fucking dramatic, huh?

It was weird that I had to come to the High Society district first to realize that...

I had my brother back, but sadly it didn't really feel to me that I had him back, coz he didn't open up to me and right now I couldn't expect him to. 

I wasn't sure enough of how long I could wait, though. Nine long years of waiting were so long already...

How long would it be enough to know that he cared for me? I sighed.

I couldn't allow myself to get distracted with my inner thoughts about my brother again. Eventually, there was a task at hand.

I turned around to look back to the parking area one last time, before I entered the barber shop.

I immediately smelled hair sprayers the moment I entered the salon, ugh. 

If I wouldn't be here because of my brother, I would ask myself what the fucking fuck this fuckery was?! I couldn't even remember the last time I entered a hair salon for myself. I got my hair cut the last time when I still was serving as a soldier in the Army... Meanwhile it had almost shoulder length.

Anyway! I wanted to do my part as quickly as possible to not letting Taylor longer alone than necessary.

There was no time to drift away in past adventures.

I went directly towards the counter of which a middle aged woman stood behind. 

“Hello! How can I help you young man?” Her french accent rolled coolly from her mouth, she was probably in her early forties, her eyes studied me as she asked me for the meaning of my arrival.

“I need to speak to the storekeeper of this salon, is that possible?” I asked as nicely as I could, my stomach was grumbling, not only because of hunger but also in worry about Taylor. And the weird smell of the place made it hard for me to suppress my exasperation.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Well, you're already talking to the storekeeper, is there a problem?" Her eyebrows rose and I could hear a ray of mistrust in her tone. For a moment she looked at me as if I was going to mug her salon. 

Yeah yeah, I knew that I wasn't dressed like a stuck up prig, my own unkempt style consisted of sniffing to make sure it's clean and then putting on whatever is nearby, but did I look the worse for wear?

Screw it!

"No, it's nothing serious. It's just about a costumer who wants your service." I gave the salon another appraisal and noticed some of the costumers looking at us curiously.

"But I need to talk about this on private Ma'am." I added, leaned on the counter and removed my shades in hope it would cease her mistrust about me. 

I didn’t want someone eavesdropping to our conversation.

She was probably holding her breath, coz she released a deep sigh after hearing that.

“Uhm, ok. Follow me.” She then stated politely and turned her back to me.

I followed her inside a small room painted with white and blue stripes on the edges which looked like an office. It was nicely done up, but not that luxurious like the costumers area and what the salon looked from the outside. I could say that their salon was a much better salon compared to the cheap ones in the downtown district. There was a small table where she sat behind it and then motioned me to sit on the chair opposite to hers.

Reluctantly, I sat down, actually I would have preferred to keep standing, but I didn't want to build up new mistrust on her. And it wasn't the right moment to waste time. 

“About my purpose. I have a customer waiting outside, it's Taylor Hanson who wants to get your service."

"Oh Taylor Hanson. I read about his wife's death this morning."

She tapped on a newspaper on the table in front of her.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"It must be horrible for him. How is he?" She continued and sounded sympathetic this time, but I had to make sure that Taylor wouldn't need to deal with overzeal of noisy people. In his current weak state he might collapse anytime and in a risky situation like that, he really didn't need more audience than it was immutable.

"He's not ready yet to talk about that sensitive subject Ma'am and to visit your salon for a chit chat is definitely not his purpose. He just needs to get shaved and that's it. So how much it is to rent your salon for 10 - 15 minutes?"

I came straight to the point, even though, I wasn't even sure if she'd take my request serious to be honest. If I'd be in a salon in the Red Light district and tell the same, they would probably laugh at me and tell me that I drank too much or even call the police if I wouldn't leave... at least until they would see and smell the dollar notes in front of their fucking mugs.

But this was another part of the town. A part of which I wasn't used to be... so I couldn't say what was coming.

"Of course Mister Hanson can get our service. It's an honor for us to serve him." She offered friendly. I wasn't quiet sure though if it was still her condolence or if she had already negotiated a price in mind. Eventually, she was a business person in her department like I was in mine. And cash is a language which finds understanding not only in a dirty downtown district...

I reached in my inner jacket pocket and fished a pile of banknotes out of it. Dirty money, which owned once my regular johns for all the disgusting things they wanted from me. In my line of business as a pimp I already had to deal with all kinds of people, family men for example of which you never thought which perverse sexual preferences they had...

Usually I'd use that money to buy some snow. But I didn't know when would be the next time I could sniff a line again. Even though my nerves were a little more calm since Taylor and me reconciled, the urge for some coke was still there. And I knew it wouldn't go away that easy. But I couldn't allow myself to think about it right now. Now, I would give it for Taylor coz it was what he needed. Furthermore, he already bought me an X-box with some video games and I didn't want to owe him something. Whether he cared about me or not.

Her eyes widened when I put a pile of banknotes in front of her down on the table.

"I'm Mr. Caziano and work for Mr. Hanson as his security guard, so it's my task to arrange the matters for his security. So let me know if these are enough dinero's or not, Ma'am."

I informed her to arrange that matter as quickly as possible. She kept silent, contemplating after that for a moment.

Eventually, she leaned over and took one of the Dollar notes from the pile.

"This is enough money for the shaving service. I can imagine that's a hard situation for Mr. Hanson these days, so he can pay us for getting shaved, but he doesn't need to pay us because of his need to get shielded from the media and his fans in his current state."

I didn't expect that reaction to be honest. I already was too used to the hustler scene, where sympathy didn't really exist...

Was she really honest or did I just land in fucking Pleasantville?

"You sure, Lady?" I frowned at her in disbelief.

"Yes I am. To lose a relative is very hard, it wouldn't feel right to me to take money for that from him."

She opened a drawer under the table and put the dollar note in it. Her soft gestures reminded me of my Mam somehow.

I gave in. I didn't want to ask her to take the money anyway to defray the expenses of the X-Box and the video games coz I sensed that it would insult her good will. There were other possibilities. I put the money back in my jacket pocket and thanked her in Taylor's name for her expression of condolence afterwards.

"You can come back in about fifteen minutes Mr. Caziano, our other customers should be finished and gone until then." She informed me as I stood up.

I agreed and went back to the parking area, still a little confused about what just happened. I didn't know if she only reacted that way because of Taylor's famous superstar state, but still, it was for me a good experience to learn that there are still good people in this world. Whether I was a serving as a soldier in the Army, nor working in my brothel as a pimp, I could never allow myself to be naive. I wouldn't have survived and still be here today if I was, coz life is full of Fake people. Being warily sort of always belonged to my job and to my usual way of life...

I guessed that's why her reaction was surprising for me.

I almost wasn't used to good features from other people anymore.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It's good to know there are still some exceptions in this fucked up world...


	42. Chapter 42

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it. I have my brother back! After everything what happened I have him back. He actually forgave me. Although I still haven't talked with him about Mam & Dad's car crash on the way to one of my gigs back then, he really called us brothers again.

"Brothers."

One simple word that means so much to me.

I'm still overwhelmed from my feelings and it feels like a unreal dream. I almost didn't have hope anymore that I'd ever hear it out of his mouth again after the last few days in which he showed me how mad and hurt he was.

Only two days ago I lost my family, my wife and my innocent unborn daughter. The same day when I met my younger brother again.

The past nine years have erected such thick walls between us of which I thought that they may be unscalable for eternity.

And now after everything what happend, I'm finally seeing a little light. I found hope in Zachary's action to take my hand and to see my as his brother again, despite the fact that I'm not sure if I have deserved his mercy after all...

It is impossible to express how much a little bit of affection und understanding can mean after feeling so much loneliness like I felt before, even though I doubt it's wise to jump for joy about it in my situation.

I didn't expect that he would stay with me.

I wanted Blade to go, but because of his steely determination to catch my Stalker, I came to known that he wouldn't go, no matter what I'd tell him.

Zachary is now responsible for my security. But as his older brother I care and worry about his security as well.

That's why I'm struggling so hard to lie Zachary and my life's in god hands. I'm worried about his life, like I'm worried about my own.

Can I keep him even though I know that he or both of us might get killed...?  
I still cling to my opinion that I don't want to risk that something might happen to Zachary, but what shall I do when he doesn't what I say? Am I supposed to take this burden because of what I have done to Zachary back then? How shall I deal with it?

I had not planned to cry and I don't want him to stay with me because of sympathy for me, but in all honesty, the emotions were so much for me, that even though I shouldn't have cried in front of him, I just couldn't help it... Coz I know what a goodbye would mean for me. Falling back into a deep ocean of loneliness and emptiness...

I always have to carry so many responsiblities in my life...

I don't know how to find the strength to put focus on all the important things which are ahead of me. The meeting with Natalie's family...  
If the Police could already find any traces from my Stalker...  
What to do with Zachary... and how to apologize to him that I left him and that Mam and Dad died because of me...

I don't even know where to begin to handle all these things. Through the cruel events I feel that I exceeded my limit of what I can carry. I don't know how to handle all those things anymore all by myself. Maybe I am just not strong enough to carry them alone.

I need so badly someone in my life to help me to deal with all those things I feel responsible for...

At first my pregnant wife got killed, then I came to known that my Stalker Twink Twink is still chasing me. And then Zachary, my little brother who threw nothing but despise on me over the last three days to pay me back what I had done to him.

His outbursts of anger confirmed me how much he must have suffered because of my escape back then. It wouldn't feel right to me to load my problems onto him on top of that.

It was a big step for me that I could finally manage to speak with him about my sense of shame and that he even made me feel understood for the most part. It's true that our age difference of 2,5 years isn't really that big...

Basically, it doesn't really matter if Zac is younger, older, or the same age like I am. He is my brother, so I care for him no matter what his age is. That goes without saying.

Zachary is and will always be my family!

But still, I can't help to feel so ashamed and embarrassed that he is protecting me. I want the ground to open up and swallow me every time I think of it. I knew that I had to talk about it with him earlier or later...

I believe that it's probably difficult for Zac to relate how I feel because of that.

While me on the other hand, beside my fear, I probably went through the worst embarrassment in the past few days because of him. I hate how I get so nervous that I can't even think straight to talk or answer questions. I just couldn't stop my tears of shame all over again when I talked about it with him.

I am my little brother's dependent client...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I felt my cheeks burning. Just writing this was making me so embarrassed already. It feels strange to speak it out... and so awkward to think of it... I just have no idea how to get used to it that my little brother is my bodyguard. Sighing, I ran my fingers through my hair before I turned my attention back to writing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In comparison to me, Zachary doesn't have a problem with it all. I know that he has never been that much of an intensive contemplator and dreamer like I am, which is an advantage for him in this case. Zac always had a quick capacity of reaction, he usually does and says the first thing which comes into his mind. I always think more careful about everything to make sensible and hopefully right decisions. His directness and my thoughtfulness can be good and bad at different points.

Sometimes I still find it hard to believe that I actually agreed to hire him. But the main reason why I relented was to show Zac that he still has a brother who cares about him aside from my own longing to have a family again. As yet, I couldn't visualize all the worries and emotions which would come with it...

Maybe I'd feel less ashamed if Zac and me would have a closer and more familiar relationship. I feel horrible for that, but I still know very little about my brother, except that he has been in the Army and became a pimp afterwards. Since I met him, I already saw more than enough of his violence and experienced enough of his brusqueness. I wish to know him more in the next days, I don’t want to think of him that way, I still want to believe that the Zac I knew is still in him...

Because of my brother's despise towards me, I was thinking that he made fun of me. I'm glad to know that he does not.

I guess both of us forgot how it feels to have a brother. He is still strange for me. But I know that I have to talk with him about our parents' car accident that our brotherly relationship can make a progress.  
I owe to talk about with him so long...

His understanding and that he called us brothers again gives me some hope and optimism back. I believe we are on a good way.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I had to make a short pause before I could continue writing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I can feel that my panic attack this morning, the sudden news about Zachary's decision not to go and our conversation about my shame afterwards has demanded a lot of my last strengths.

I don't want him to think of me as a puny pushover, although that's exactly how I'm feeling right now.  
I'm so weak that I barely can hold the pen in my hand to write...

Just like Zac, I also want that the fucking sick culprit will get caught as quick as possible. What he did to my family is just indescribable... No one should ever let such a person out of the prison again!

But is Blade really the right person to face such a sick culprit? I know that my brother isn't a teenager anymore, but how much is he really capable of?

I want to trust him, but even if I do, can I also feel safe around him? And what about his own safety?

I'm not even sure if my dangerous life situation gives me the right to enjoy the feeling that I have my brother back and if it's right to keep him. But still, I can't help it to feel so glad that I have him back for now.

And I want to be allowed to enjoy the feeling of us being brothers again and not to think about everything else which fades me...

Coz I need Zac, I need him so much. My heart just don't want to seperate us again...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Suddenly my diary dropped down between my legs on the floor. I couldn't write anymore. My pen just slipped through my fingers.

I sighed. "Well done, Taylor." I didn't like unfinished things.

I was writing for a little while to not think about that I was alone at the moment.

With shaking hands I bent down to pick up my things from the floor with the tiny bit of strength I had left and put them back in my bag. Luckily, no people passed by the parking lot in which Zac parked his car, but I could watch some Mall costumers from afar coming in and out of the East entrance. Everyone of them might be my Stalker...

Please god, make that Zac will be back soon! I don't want to be alone anymore.

I didn't know what else to do than to pray for his come back. I impatiently waited for him to return.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Actually, I was used to be with and around people. I have always been a people person and searching for connections to other persons. I was melting in the crowd whenever I was on stage or hanging out with Skye, but everything has changed in the last few days. Now my situation has become very different.

I spite of the safety of my brother's car, I still felt afraid that my sick stalker would suddenly appear. He might be everywhere observing and watching me.

I huddled up uncomfortably on the back seat next to Bandito. I felt nausea, my head was still heavy coz of hangover. I hated that I had began to bite my nails again, probably one of my worst habits.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I felt limp but I had to be strong for the many things to arrange. Thankfully, Skye was helping me to arrange the matters of Natalie's obsequey and Andrew was integrated in the investigation to search for traces.

And Bandito was here with me. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

After I had put my things back into my bag, he cuddled closer to me. I laid my hands around him, in gratefulness for the affection and making me feel not alone.

I was still in deep thoughts when I heard the remote beep of the Lamborghini, I looked up and watched Blade walking towards it. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I still found it hard to believe that my little brother could protect me, but at least I wasn't alone anymore. And Blade seemed to be someone who wasn't destructible that easy of what I could tell about him so far. 

Despite my insecureness how to feel around him, his arrival lessened my worries and fear about my stalker in an instant. I just needed someone's company.

Coz if I'd really have to die, the most scariest thing for me would be... having to deal with it all by myself.


	43. Chapter 43

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

As I watched my brother looking down to me as he walked over to the driver's side I was relieved.  
Even though Bandito stayed here with me, I felt better, knowing that he was back. Not only because of me, but also that he was doing well. Trying to ignore my feeling of weakness, I climbed back on the front passenger seat shortly before he got in the car again.

"Hey," was his short greeting as he sat down next to me.

"Hey."

"Are you alright?" He turned to me and pulled his black shades down a bit that I could look into his eyes as he asked me.

"Yes, but I'm glad that you are back." I admitted honestly.

"I'm glad to be back too." He gave me a little smile. He seemed to be in a better mood than before he went away. And I was glad about his company. I knew that I had to find a way to talk with him about Mam and Dad, even if he'd blame me for killing them... If only, I'd know how to brace myself for apologizing because of that...

"Bandito wouldn't have left you Taylor." He assured me his dogs loyality, but it wasn't necessary. Bandito already won my heart right from the beginning.

"I know. He's really a great dog. How long do you have him?"

"My friend Santiago gave him to me seven years ago."

He told me, turned around to Bandito and patted his head praisingly. It was nice to get to know more a little more about Zachary and about his life before we met. Through the years which separated us, I thought about him so many times. I wondered where he has been, if he was doing well and if I'd ever see him again. I remember that I was dismayed at the news that he didn't use his real name anymore. As I realized that I wasted too much time to get over my guilt about our parents death, I began to worry that Zachary had given up on me. That he didn't want to wait for me and didn't want to get found by me anymore...

Who could blame him for what I'd done to him and our parents...?!

Experiencing how embittered he was in the last days made me afraid to speak out what I owed him. If we'd meet a few years before when I still was in a lucky marriage, it would have been a little easier for me to talk to him, but in my current state, I was so fragile that I just didn't know how to deal with his hate against me.

Sometimes I couldn't sleep at night, worrying about what might have happened to him. Pondering if I had done enough to find him, if I'd could have done more...

He was always in my heart and here we were together again. And I appreciated every little moment we had together.

Every time I saw Zac with Bandito, I noticed what a familar, unseperable team they were. I felt that Bandio was very important for him. And my brother was for Bandito very important as well. I could easily tell that because of Bandito's excitement when Zachary came back and the debonair way which seemed so natural for them.

"Did you straighten out the matter?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes, I made the arrangement in the barber's shop, but we have to wait a few minutes before we can go." Zac told me and let go off our excited, happy dog friend, coming back to business again. He reached into his jacket and rummaged in his inner jacket pocket until he fished a small booklet out of it and handed it to me.

"This is my ID card and my license to protect people which I got when I was in a protection team in the Army because of jobs for the government. "

I took it from him and read the big letters on the cover. It said United State Army Identification Card. For Identification only. As I opened it, I saw a picture of him in soldier clothes on the inside.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He looked a little different than he did now on it, a little younger. We had not seen each other for such a long time that the picture made me realize how much time of his youth I missed. Even though I knew that he joined the Army, I had never seen him in soldier clothes until now. Gosh, I had to catch up on so much about his life...

But he cut through my thoughts and didn't let me think about it further.

"It has my other name in it. The name you can use to introduce me to other people if you have to." He suddenly declared. I didn't even notice it yet, I was too distracted by the photo of him which showed a younger version of him which I sadly wasn't lucky to meet...

"Blade Leon Caziano." I read out loud. Even though, I already became used to call him Blade, it felt strange to me to speak out his full other name anyway. Because it was a different name than the one I was used to call him a long time ago...

Zachary Walker Hanson.

But what's worse was that I immediately knew that this other name reminded me again of my unsuccessful search for him in the past years. His other name complicated it. My heart sank to my boots.

"What about your real name?" I asked carefully. To be honest, I still was a little afraid to ask him if I could ever ask him Zac again, after he lost his patience several times since I did that.

"I don't use it anymore long since, I got that code name after my Army education. Meanwhile I'm used to get called Blade."

"Oh..." I paused. "I see."

I was glad that he cleared it up how he got that name, but still, our situation was sad somehow.  
Here we were having a conversation about which other name I could use to introduce him to the public to deny that he was my little brother. It was selfless from him to offer me to deny his real identity in public, but still, I wished to call him Zac again, at least in privacy...

But as long as I wouldn't have talked with him about our past, I knew that I didn't have the right to ask him about it. Besides, he closed the subject for himself already a long time ago. Now, I just came to known that he wasn't even used to his real name anymore.

"I know that you need your time to get used that I'm working for you Taylor. It will be easier for you to introduce me with this name if you'll come in such a situation. Coz I don't want you to feel ashamed because of me Taylor. No one of your fans and the media needs to know that we are related. I don't expect that you introduce me in public as your brother. We don't need to shout it from the rooftops."

I looked at him, unsure what I should think about that. Undoubtedly, he was right that the thought of me introducing my little brother as my bodyguard to the public was by far unimaginable. I already was struggling so much with my embarassment because of that. My situation was pathetic and ashaming enough, I didn't want to get laughed about it! I'd probably rather die than to make such a complete fool of myself in in public on top of that. I guess I was just scared that I will be considered a pussy that can't even take care of himself. 

Aside from the other things which were ahead of me, I knew that we had to find a solution for now.

"You don't mind to get denied?"

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I asked, I just wanted to make sure that I wouldn't hurt him because of that.

"No, I don't care about standing in public. And I don't want to make it harder for you because of my company Taylor." He assured me one more time. I could feel that he was honest.

Back then, there has never been sibling rivalries between Zac and me because of my music carreer. Even though, I was becoming a musician at teenage age already, a certain tension or envy between us had never existed. It was relieving to came to know that he had not changed at that part.

"I'm very glad to know that Blade." I agreed thankfully. I also didn't see another way than to keep his identity a secret. It was enough for me that Skye and Andrew knew about it.

"You need to get better Taylor. And it's very important that you will get used to it that I protect you." He continued talking and I felt the shame in me building up again at his last sentence.

I knew that he'd expect me to get used to it as soon as possible, but I just couldn't...

"Yeah I know, but it's not happing to you, so it's easy for you to talk." I replied embittered this time and shifted a bit away from him. I knew that when he was around me, I was always confronted by the fact that he was protecting me, but the truth was, I was at the end of my nerves and I just didn't like to feel steadily embarrassed because of him, so I didn't know what else to respond.

He kept silent after that and I began to worry if it was right what I said. We just had our reconcilation, so I definitely didn't want to pick a new fight...

"Why don't you say anything?" I eventually asked worriedly, I suddenly was insecure if I went too far.

"Well, if you like to think that I have the easy job Taylor, then think that way. I just don't fucking get why you make such a big deal of that. Just because I'm two years younger than you, doesn't have to mean that I can't protect you. Furthermore, there are other important things on which we have to focus."

I could hear in his tone that he didn't agree with my remark, but I didn't know how I could mend our fences right now. I just couldn't deal with it that easy like he could.

I sensed that I couldn't expect more from him about it right now. But I knew my realization that I was defenseless without my little brother's protection was a thing for what I would need a longer time to get used to, if I could get used to it at all... one day.

"Sorry, I know" was all I ruefully answered. I already felt sorry that I accused him for something with which I couldn't deal with... It just was hard for me to imagine that he could relate to my situation...

Besides that, I didn't really trust him yet. Probably a part of me was still afraid that he wanted me to accept the situation so he didn't need to respect me. That's why I made these little, careful steps.

"I mean...compared to you I must appear a little...uhm...girly. You don't find me weird because of that?" I blushed and glanced shyly at him, evidently wishing to adopt a jocular tone but my worries to get laughed at were too big.

He let out a heavy sigh.

"Taylor, honestly I don't get it. Why the fuck do you draw up guidelines for strength and manliness at all? Do you want to frustrate me and make me feel guilty just because I'm able to protect you?

"No... of course not!" I exclaimed, a feeling of guilt fluttered through me.

"Then stop fucking comparing yourself with me. You'll never get over it as long as you do that. You're girly, fine. I don't care. I'm not here to change you, I'm here to accept you how you are. All I expect from you is that you do the same in return."

"You don't mind my girly features?" I really expected him to laugh to be honest because it was probably one of the oddest questions ever, but I just needed to know what he thought about me and him. I knew that I was different than him and probably always will be. We just looked very different and had different interests and habits. Sometimes I enjoyed wearing pink and I could get excited about clothes shopping. I always loved to dress up in pretty clothes, take fashion risks and from time to time I wear nail polish. Sometimes I feel girly and beautiful even though I'm a guy. Zac was the complete contrary. We were so different like a soldier and a princess. That's why I needed to know what he was thinking about my girly side.

"I think you should stand by your features and live out everything you want. We both should." He answered and left me in surprise for not judging me. I felt relieved that he didn't expect me to change and that he accepted all my features so easily.

I was glad that he was with me but still, I didn't know how to deal with his protection.

On the other hand, I also longed for to put that subject on ice for now. I knew that he was right that there were other more important things ahead of me. If only I could turn off the way I feel...

All those headaches exhausted me, that's why I was glad when I got the chance to change the subject as he reached over to take his ID card back from me.

"Wait! Can I... I mean do you mind if I take a picture of your ID? Just for the memory?"

"Yeah sure, go ahead." He shrugged.

I immediately took my bag and pulled my camera out of it to take a photo of it. I didn't know if I'd ever get the chance to see that picture of him again, so having a tangible memory of our lost years was a nice thing to have. I thanked him with a smile and handed the ID back to him after that.

He shoved it back into his jacket pocket, then he took his back pack from the back seat, opened it and pulled out a chocolate bar.

"Here some chocolate for you," he said and reached it out to me.

"No, thanks." I declined.

"It's with nuts." He informed me as if it would make a difference. I found it endearingly that he offered me his candy, of which I knew he has always been addicted to. If I wasn't caught in my emotions of sorrow, fear and worries I'd surely do him the favor and take it.

"I am not hungry."

He sighed and looked at me unsatisfied.

"I'm worried because you don't eat anything Taylor. When was the last time you ate something?"

I shrugged clueless. "I don't remember anymore."

To be honest, I didn't expect him to broach the subject again after his indifferent behaviour last night when he got pizza for us.

"You need strength Taylor. You can't get through all of this without eating anything!" He tried again.

I knew that I repressed the thought of eating a while ago already, coz the imagination to eat something after my family got killed made me sick. And in my brother's cold company I also couldn't eat something. All I longed for was to numb myself to not feel the unbearable pain of my loss. I just couldn't eat something in so much depression, sorrow and fear. Now that, Zachary was with me and called us brothers again, I finally didn't feel alone anymore, but it still disgusted me to eat in my current state anyway.

"It's nice from you Blade but I just don't know how to swallow any food currently."

"But you have to eat Taylor before your condition gets really serious." He stubbornly didn't let go off this subject.

"I can't...!" I whined desperate this time.

"Then tell me what I can do that you will eat something again."

He sounded worried and impatient, but he couldn't pressure me about that. Probably, it was in god's hands if I'll find the will to eat something again. I was grateful to him for encouraging me. But had I also deserved it? Not really.

And I wasn't sure if he only changed his behaviour because of my tears. That's why I couldn't stop myself from asking a question of which I knew that it wasn't fair, but after the blows of fate I experienced in the last three days, I guessed it was just normal to be sentimental. And I badly needed to know if it was only his sympathy which let him act this way towards me.

"Do you really care after what I have done to you Blade? Or is it just your sympathy? I mean you have good reasons to hate me for the rest of your life." I spoke these words almost inaudibly, as if it could lessen the unfair background of my sayings.

"I know that it is what you need right now Taylor. And it is my job to take care of you."

His job?!?

His answer made me taken aback. He only saw it as a part of his job to care about me?!

I swallowed a hard lump down my dry throat which I didn't even notice yet. For me it was beyond question why I did let him do that job. I wanted him to stay with me because he was my only family. And now he just sounded like I paid him for acting that way...

"But you don't care..." I mouthed painfully. I closed my eyes for a short moment. All of a sudden a chasm yawned and I felt like I stood on the edge of the Grand Canyon. I threatened to fall down, because I didn't want to have it true that his changed behaviour towards me was just a pretense to get me better...

"I care." He finally said, waking me up from my nightmare and pulling me up to a safe ground.

I opened only one eye and looked at him suspiciously. I let the other one closed as if it could protect me from getting hurt.

"Really?"

"I already care about you since I know that you care about me, silly boy!" He assured me with a little teasing smirk across his lips at his last words.

"Then why didn't you speak it out immediately?!?" I now opened the other eye and frowned at him questioning. His sudden hesitation confused me. I didn't know what it should mean, but at least his expression became serious again after my question.

"Coz I'm not that good on emotional things Taylor. I won't deny that you always had the edge over me about things like that. Trust me, I care!"

He admitted earnest. I almost cried with relief when I heard that. Could I see that as a compliment from him?

I didn't know, but apparently he still didn't have problems to say what he thinks. And it made feel a little better. To know that even though he was the protective part in our relationship, he could still see things in me in which I was better than him.

"But you said you see me as a weakling." I pointed out, still sounding a little whiny. Apparently his sayings about me were still bothering me, so I couldn't help it to take advantage of this situation in which he was finally answering some things to me of which questions I so badly needed answers of.

"Taylor, you don't need to take that serious. I was thinking that you don't give a shit about me. So my first picture of you was filled with hate and despise for you. And I always thought you still don't give a shit about my life, so that's why you hired me. And that's why I thought of you like that. But my picture of you has changed."

His confession took so much weight from my mind that I couldn't even begin to express how good it felt to hear that. Because it was what I wished for so badly. Not only our reconcilation, but that he would get a different picture of me and not see me as a selfish, careless person who never cared about his family.

It was still written in the stars if I would actually keep Zachary as my bodyguard, but if I would have to let him go, I would know that he came get to known my real me and that he saw me as a caring brother, even if it wouldn't be forever. Knowing that would surely ease my future decision.

Coz we were brothers who cared about each other. Right now in this moment.

What could give me better peace than that?!

"You were never indifferent for me Blade. Never! Please believe me! And I'm so sorry that you felt that way. I always cared for you and I know that I made a mistake when I left you," I apologized honestly. I knew that I owed him much more than that, but it was all I could manage to talk about right now. Until now, I hadn't realized how much exhausting a conversation could be and I felt so weak that I wasn't even sure anymore how much longer my legs would carry me.

"Well, I hope that you had a good reason to do that Taylor."

Suddenly I lost the ground under my feet as I heard that. What did that mean?

I looked at him shocked if I heard right what he just said.

"You mean... you don't know my reason?" I asked, unable to suppress the shaking in my voice.

I felt like I was out of reality. Goosebumps built up on my skin. How did it come that he didn't know that???

"I never came to known the reason why you left me Taylor. No one told me about it. You left me like I was nothing and kept me in suspense for the last nine years."

I couldn't believe his words.

"Is this supposed to be a joke?"

His expression remained deadpanned though. "I wish it would be a fucking joke Taylor, but it's not."

[](http://www.directupload.net)

This time there was no sarcasm in his tone and I suddenly realized how serious he was. All of a sudden his behaviour since I met him made even more sense for me. He didn't know the reason why I went away.

"I didn't know that..." I stammered and a tear of shock rolled over my face, but I didn't even notice it. He did not know that Mam and Dad's death was caused because of the gig I should attend to back then. That it was my fault... 

The chocolate bar dropped out of his hand and he stared at me in disbelief.

"What?" 

For the first time I experienced my brother taken aback.


	44. Chapter 44

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

"I said I had no idea," I whispered. "I really thought you would already known about it for a long time..."

I needed a moment to digest his sayings. When our parents died, I remembered I was so in shock that I couldn't speak with anyone for several days. And I thought Zachary would hate me because of his accusation that they died because of my music carreer...

That was what I thought of him for the last nine years... that he didn't want to get found because of the hate and blame he felt towards me. And now by pure chance, I just came to known that he didn't even know my reason.

I wasn't sure what was worse, to be kept in suspense or having a heart full of imputation of blame.

But maybe, it was fated. Zachary and me weren't teenagers anymore and this time there was no one whom I could use as an excuse to tell him about the circumstances of our parents death.

He still didn't respond something, but I knew that he was waiting for me to say something. Now, more than ever. That he still wasn't knowing my reason for my moving out made me even more afraid to talk about it with him though.

How would he react? Would he also think that it was my fault? 

I thought Zachary was angry about that with me for the last nine years.

If I'd tell him about it that Mam and Dad's death was my fault, surely it would refrustrate him. Maybe he would get angry again. He'd probably hate me... I was afraid of his reaction coz I knew however it will be, it would make a change between us.

A change for the rest of our lifes. 

Would I be able to bear his reaction? 

"There is a reason," I finally uttered. "But I can't talk about it already Blade. Would you please give me a little more time?"

I looked at him apologetically. I just didn't know how I could bear his reaction in my current state and hoped for a little more patience from him. The imagination to tell him that they died because of my fault still gave me stomachaches.

He let out a heavy sigh. "I know that you have something to tell me of which you aren't ready for yet. I'm willing to wait for you Taylor. Just don't keep me in suspense forever Mister Mysterious, coz honestly, I can't tell how long I can wait."

So he felt it already. Somehow, it suprised and not suprised me at the same time. I knew that he was waiting for my apologize so long already, but at the same time I didn't expect that he would be the first one who'd touch that subject to remind me of it. I sensed how much he was waiting for it.

"I understand that. I won't keep you in suspense forever. I promise." I assured him, I knew now that I owed him not only an apologize, I owed him an explanation about what exactly happened back then. For sure, I couldn't always use my fragility as an excuse to not talk about the happenings with him. I had to talk about the facts which were associated with their death with him, no matter if I could bear his reaction or not. 

And I wanted to tell him about it. Very soon.

"Do you want to get shaved now?" He wanted to know.

"Yeah," I quickly agreed, thankful about his understanding.

After he made sure that Bandito was alright, we went out of his car again. The moment I stepped out of it, I suddenly felt how weak my body had become. I couldn't avoid a little sway and tried to find balance, but my legs almost gave in. 

I gripped onto the handle of the car door at my left side and held onto it for support.

What was going on with me?

"Is everything ok with you?" I felt Zac's hand on my arm before I even realized that I'd started to move it.

"Yes. Don't worry. That'll go off all alright," I muttered, although I wasn't even sure if that was honest. "I just feel a little dizzy." 

"Take my arm and latch on me if you need to!" He offered me helpfully.

"Thanks Blade, but I don't think it will be necessary. I'm alright and can walk on my own. We can go." I gave him a little smile, in hope it would convince him.

I honestly didn't expect that feeling drained and the lack of food would weaken me that fast. But I didn't want to think or talk about it.

Currently, I just couldn't be considerate of my cardiovascular system, I had to put focus on the things ahead of me like Zachary said. I braced myself somehow and assured him one more time that I could walk by myself before we finally headed towards the East Entrance.

As I glanced over to Zac, who silently walked by my side, I noticed that he was in full concentration of what he was doing. This time, he walked closer next to me than before and I knew that he did it in preperation if I'd fall, that he would have a good grip on me if necessary. He always paid attention to make me walk on the inside of the side walk and did not leave my side for one single second.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It was like he was anticipating every movement that I did. He just watched every move. I thought back about his words when he reproached me that I was thinking he'd have an easy job. Yes, I couldn't say much about how skilled he was and how well trained a bodyguard would have to be to be able to protect someone.

Honestly, his job wouldn't be my cup of tea. I didn't know how to deal and handle with any kind of violence. That's just not who I was. I couldn't say how difficult Blade's job was to protect me.

When I walk around, I like to perceive every little detail of my surroundings and take pictures here and there. It doesn't mean that I am unconcentrated in my profession, but I just never want to miss a detail from the beauty of this world...

Zachary couldn't let himself drift away and perceive the things in the same way like I did. He could never let his guard down when he was around me at any time.

How could I know how hard his job really was...?

I felt ashamed again as I realized that I might not make it by myself to the barber's shop and that my little brother was the only one who was there to help me in such a situation.

I didn't like it that Zachary experienced me in such a weak and vulnerable period of my life and I somehow hated myself for not being able to hide my weakness anymore. I regretted that my little brother saw me like that and I hated myself for not being able to get my way when I told him to leave me. I knew that I'd never catch on if I wouldn't get better.

I didn't even care if I would get recognized from other people behind the sunglasses of which he told me to put on again shortly before we walked into the mall again. All I internally prayed for was to not collapse again to not experience another embarrassing experience in front of my little brother. It would have been so demeaning for me.

Even though Zachary treated me better now and he knew about my condition, I still felt that it was my task as his older brother to act as a model and not as someone who wasn't able to take care of himself. I didn't like the example I set for him.

How could he get a better impression of me when everything he saw how helpless and defenseless I was in my current state? 

I longed for to scream and to cry and didn't know what to do. I wanted to care about the matters which were ahead of me properly like I usually did and getting shaved belonged that, but then in the next moment I wasn't even sure anymore if they still mattered at all. I really didn't know what I was going to do anymore. My mind was pretty messed up about everything. I didn't know whether I was coming or going. I hated this feeling of not knowing what to do in life. 

It's odd, I didn't think about killing myself anymore, I didn't want to give that impression, I just wished that I never existed in the first place. That my sorry state wouldn't be a burden on myself or anyone else anymore. I felt so beaten up my myself, so unable to perform basic human tasks that I felt like a failure of a human being. A waste of a man.

What was going on with me?

More and more it began to feel as if everything my spirit had ever been drawn to was slipping to be as far away as the sun itself. It felt like I was losing myself. I almost didn't even know myself anymore. My real life was slipping further and further away from me. And then I let my little brother taking care of me on top of that.

Could my situation become any more pathetic? What the hell was I doing?!? 

The voice of reason in my head was rebuking me once again and made me feel so damn bad and guilty. I got depressed because I knew that I wasn't what I should be. I had no idea how to change my situation at that time.

On our way to the barber's salon, we passed by a flower's shop decorated with all kinds of flowers in the window pane and my eyes caught attention of some white roses in the window pane. I felt a strange pain in my chest as they reminded me of my poor wife and my unborn baby again.

White roses as a sign of mourning... I have always loved white flowers. For me, they bring peace and serenity to every place. 

Only a few days ago I was planning to have dinner with Nat and now I saw those flowers with which would her casket get adorned soon. I had told Skye to order many of them for the memorial ceremony.

It was still hard for me to believe that they actually died. Everything happened so fast... if I'd have been at home at that time, who knows if I would have been able to protect them? Maybe I would have been killed as well...

I sucked a deep breath and released it harshly. My life turned to the opposite course in the past few days. Even though Natalie was not the best companion, she was still my other half and she was gone now with my child... My child...

Gosh, it did lacerate my heart every time I thought about them... How I’d be able to get over it?

Everything I've loved, became everything I lost...

I didn’t know how long I stood there, looking at the white roses and pitied myself about my situation. I felt so broken, and couldn't help to let myself wallowing in despair from the lost of my family. So many things had happened, and they were not over yet, I barely had the chance to mourn peacefully. 

It was taking all I had in me to withhold the strong pain in my chest slowly engulfing me and to keep the tears from spilling over. I was preoccupied in my thoughts as a little girl came out of the flower's shop towards us, carrying a colorful bouquet of flowers in her hand. She stopped as she was standing directly in front of us.

"Hi Taylor" she greeted me and looked up to me with big blue eyes. I gave Zachary a short glance that he wouldn't intermeddle again all of a sudden. Thankfully, he responded with a short nod this time.

It was obvious that she already knew me. But her polite greeting made me at eased. As I just got recognized anyway, I didn't see sense anymore in wearing shades and took them off. I squatted down in front of the little girl and asked her about her name.

"My name is Isabelle," she told me.

"Hi Isabelle, how are you?"

"Fine. I heard that your girlfriend died."

I swallowed, but tried to remain calm. I didn't expect that I would have to face such a situation that soon. But before I could think about it if I was ready to deal with it or not, she reached out her little hand and handed the bouquet of flowers to me.

"These are for you Taylor," she said with a smile on her face.

"Y-You want to give them to me?" I asked, hesitating.

"Yes they are a present for you Taylor. And I hope you will be happy again soon and make more music."

"That's very nice of you Isabelle. Thank you very much." I took the flowers and smiled back at her.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Would it be like horribly awkward and considered overstepping my boundaries if I asked you for a hug?" She squeezed, looking insecure alternating between Zac and me.

"Of course not!" I answered, leaned in and pulled her into a hug.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Thank you for the flowers Isabelle, they're gorgeous."

She smiled even bigger now as I let go off her. "You're very welcome. It was nice to meet you. Bye Taylor."

"Great to meet you too. Bye Isabelle."

[](http://www.directupload.net)

She waved her hand and hopped back into the flowers job as I stood up again.

The little experience touched me in a good way. I've been uncertain about my fans' reactions to my tour cancel. Eventually, it was the first time that I canceled a tour. I wasn't sure if there were fans which were mad with me because of that. All I knew was that fans can be moody, especially if you disappoint them. Good thing to know not all of them were mad with me.

"You are pretty good with children." Zachary, who didn't say anything as yet, finally responded to the scene.

"You think so?" I never really thought about it to be honest. Being soft and gentle was just how I am. 

"Any damn fool can see that!"

There was it again, Zachary's ruthless candor which I missed over the last years.

I looked at him with a bashful smile as he complimented me. "That is very flattering. Is your offer to guide me to the barber's shop still valid, bodyguard Blade?" I enquired shyly, absently twirling the bouquet in my hand. Meanwhile, I felt so limp that I even was contemplating for a moment to change my mind about getting shaved. Still, to appear unshaved in front of my in laws just didn't seem appropriate to me.

"Yes of course." He held out his arm for me.

I tried not to think about how akward it must have been for both of us and hoped he would forgive me. Gratefully, I tucked my arm into his and walked with him together the rest of the way. His support actually helped me to have a better balance and it wasn't actually that worse how I thought it would be. Zac could be a chivalric man when he wanted to be. Distracted at the thought, I smelled at Isabelle's flowers, breathing deeply of the pastel-colored roses and lilies with a feminine grace I wasn't aware of. They were very beautiful and smelled sweetly. 

[ ](http://www.directupload.net)

Aren't pastel colors some of the most beautiful colors? They are so soft and unobtrusive... 

It's always nice to get reminded that people haven't forgotten you and thought of you even in your hardest times. A small gift and a hug can have a great meaning for a person in such a time...

As we arrived at the barber's shop, my anxiety was rising as I saw some of the employees inside through the window pane. I just didn't want to get stared at by other people in my current state.

Zachary moved swiftly to my side and opened the door for me. Somehow, I felt so girly around him. He treated me like a princess with his steady holding the door open for me habit, although I hadn't even deserved to get treated that way, all the more not by him. But that trifle wasn't worth it to bring up another discussion. I knew that he was just trying to do his job right and I didn't want him to think that I didn't appreciate his efforts. 

"I already made the arrangement, you'll have a relaxing makeover today without worry. You just need to go inside and get your shave done!" He informed me as I hesitated to go inside. 

I already figured that barber's shops and clothes boutique's didn't match Zachary's circle of interest. With his black leather jacket and the dark sunglasses he somehow really looked like a bodyguard. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

His outfit didn't really have a style, but he obviously didn't care about it.

When he was younger, Zachary also had other interests than clothes and styling. While Zac has always been into movies, videogames and playing with all kinds of guns and swords I was more interested in cooking and styling. So it didn't really surprise me when he called my visit a makeover. I believe he wasn't even aware of his sarcasm. Apparently, that was still just the way he was.

For my own part, I also wasn't here because I was in the mood to pretty up myself. But a neat appearance was just a matter of course for me. It's true that people often mistook me as a girl even though I never tried to look like one. Compared to many others, I surely could be described as a girly man. Not only because of my androgynous look and soft facial features, I just naturally like everything beautiful and I also like to dress up myself with fancy and refined clothes. 

"Taylor?" Zac frowned at me, still holding the door open while I was distracted from my daydreams.

"Yeah?" I winced a little.

"Are you ready? You seem a little tense." 

I took a deep breath and eventually gave him a nod before I let him led me into the salon.

[](http://www.directupload.net)


	45. Chapter 45

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

Even though there were no customers in the barber's shop, the staff seemed busy about their work as we entered it, except two women who looked up from their work and left things undone in an instant.

“Good morning, Mr. Hanson, I’m Mrs. Drakeford and this is my assistent Miss Stacey. What can we do for you?”

The middle aged woman who addressed me formally welcomed Zac and me friendly.

"Good morning, I need to get shaved, please." 

"Just you sir, or does your company need to get shaved too?" The tone in the voice from the younger girl was a little condescending as she gave my brother a once over, probably because he was the only one in the salon who was dressed down. Apparently, it was beneath her to approach Zac personally, she gave him a frown and turned her attention back to me.

I swallowed lightly and buried my hands deeper in my jacket pockets. How do I say this?

"No, uhm... Mr. Caziano is my bodyguard and he's only here for my security..." I explained my situation bashfully. It demanded much of me to press out that strange introduction about my little brother for the first time and I couldn't help to blush with shame, hoping no one would notice. Unobtrusively, I peered over to Zachary. I still expected him to laugh sometimes about how fucking awkward our situation was, but he kept silent with a straight face.

"Alright Mr. Hanson, I already had the pleasure to get to know Mr. Caziano. I'm going to leave you to my assistant Stacey. She'll gladly serve you. Can I bring you something to drink, a coffee or a tea?"

"A coffee would be fine, thank you."

"Sure Mr. Hanson. My pleasure."

Mrs. Drakeford gave us a politely smile before she walked into another room and her assistant girl motioned me to follow her.

"You can put your things down here Taylor," she pointed to a small table in a corner.  
I silently followed her, put my bag down and laid Isabelle's flowers carefully next to it.

I then turned around to her again and took a seat in front of a huge wall mirror where I peacefully sat on their reclining salon chair. Blade sat on a stool in the waiting area, grabbing a sports magazine.

I leaned my head on the headrest in an instant. I couldn't wait to relax my powerless limbs for a little while.

"I didn't expect that I would get the honor to serve such a famous superstar today. It's a big honor for me Taylor...." The young assistent girl suddenly lost her composure.

"Hey Miss! Just serve Mr. Hanson and don't chatter on him!" 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

My brother's voice snarled at the sudden excitement of the young women who was about to serve me. This time I was glad about it honestly. Not because I suddenly didn't mind his impoliteness anymore, but I wanted to allow myself to enjoy some quiet and relaxation which was much needed.

“Oooh, of course.” she bursted out in a high pitch. “I'm sorry, sir.” 

She looked irritated after Zachary's warning, but stopped talking. I didn't know if she was intimidated of my brother or what they were thinking about him. I didn’t know what he did, if he threatened them with his gun which was probably still tucked in his belt. I watched him in my peripheral view, he was calmly reading the magazine as if he was so engrossed to it. I looked down to his waist, then sideways, I couldn’t see his gun, but I was sure that it was there somewhere. I knew nothing about guns and I just knew the one he had was silver. I didn’t know how to handle the fact that my brother could carry a gun with a calm posture like that. He carried his gun around like it belonged to his daily routine life. Apparently, he considered it normal to need a gun in his pimp job.

His strange and dark way of life gave me cause for concern. I didn't want my little brother being connected into something criminal and to work as a pimp was surely not a way to avoid that.

I wanted to do something for him, help him to get away from that way of life. Out of that criminal Red Light district in which for sure no good future would wait for him. But who knows if he'd want a change at all and even if he does, would he accept my help after all? On the other hand, how could I help him when my life wasn't safe for him as well?

I closed my eyes for a moment. I needed a break from those unsolved problems. I had so many issues to care for today. I would continue thinking about them once my meeting with Nat’s parents was over.

“Mr. Hanson, I’m going to put on shaving cream now, is that, ok?”

“Sure, go on.” I answered in a calm voice.

“Huh! This better be my car next month!” Blade suddenly exclaimed loudly.

Stacey and I turned our heads to him. As I saw my brother sitting there, I became to see a picture which almost made me lose my composure as well. A picture, no it was more a memory rushed over me as Zachary suddenly began to make driving sounds, evidently finding himself funny as hell, without caring about his audience or the strange looks he was receiving, was he busy entertaining himself with his sports magazine.

As I sat there watching him, I might have cried tears of joy when he suddenly became to that goofy boy to which I was so used when we were younger. I didn't expect that he would still clown around like that nine years later. Especially not after what I had experienced with him in the last couple of days.

And I felt hope. Hope that Zachary still existed in Blade.

I don't know if he was aware of it what it meant to me that I saw him acting playfully like that. For a short while he was my typical little brother again that I remembered.

I had no idea if he did it on purpose, but it was effective. Obviously, Zac still had the talent to make people laugh. I saw a few from the staff smiling and Stacey turned her attention back to me in a calmer look after that.

“Ok, sir, just sit back and relax.”

Feeling more at ease, I rested my hands on the armchair and readied myself. 

"Here's your coffee Mr. Hanson." Mrs. Drakeford came back with a cup in her hand and set it down in front of me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Thank you very much Ma'am." I gave her a thankful smile and immediately took a long sip of it down my dry throat.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"You're very welcome, Mr. Hanson." She replied courteously, before she turned away to let Stacey begin with her task. 

I leaned my head back and closed my eyes again, trying to relax. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

This is going to be quick, I had nothing to worry about. 

I then felt the shaving cream and her hands massaging the side of my cheeks down to my chin. I let myself fall, listening to some faint music which played in the radio of the salon during that time. 

Something shattered  
Died inside of me  
And I don't feel  
And I don't feel the same  
Nothing matters  
I want to desperately  
But I don't feel  
And I don't feel the same...

I could go on bending the truth  
But what's the point in that?  
What do you need to be satisfied  
Do I have to scream to keep you high?  
Well I'm not screaming any more  
I guess all my words  
Finally wasted away

Did you think I'd be fine?  
That I would follow blind  
Out of my head with love  
Knowing I was nothing to you  
What do you make of me?  
You thought that I'd make believe  
You were wrong...

Something shattered  
Died inside of me  
And I don't feel  
And I don't feel the same  
Nothing matters  
I want to desperately  
But I don't feel  
And I don't feel the same...

It almost felt to me as if the powerful voice from the unknown singer would sing about my feelings in his ballad... the lyrics were like my feelings, the feelings between Zac and me...

Sometimes emotions can be expressed in songs so much better than in words...  
I peacefully listened to the last sounds of the song and let Stacey do her task silently until I suddenly got distracted when I heard a loud noise from outside. There seemed to be a commotion.

“Taylor!!!! Ohhh, Taylor! We love you!”

The familiar loud screaming from some girls brought me quickly back to reality. I opened my eyes, my stare immediately wandered outside the glass wall.

“No, shit!” Blade threw the magazine away that he was reading, stood up and hurried over to Mrs. Drakeford who still stood behind the counter.

“I don’t know how it happened, Mr. Caziano. I followed your orders.” She assured him. I wasn't sure if my brother accused them for the commotion.

"I need the keys to lock the doors Lady! Now!"

Instead of wasting time with long speeches, he didn't discuss with her about it. Blade automatically seemed to know what to do.

Mrs. Drakeford fished the keys out of her work coat and handed them to my brother who immediately hurried to the entrance doors and locked them after that.

The staff seemed a little nervous about the sudden huge crowd outside the salon which seemed to get bigger with every moment. Well, if I wouldn't be used to it, I would be nervous, too. People were pushing each other, screaming my name over and over again, trying desperately to get a better view inside with their cellphones and cameras in their hands trying to take a picture of me.

I gave them a pitiful look even though I got bigger problems to face. 

In normal situations, I would gladly welcome their presence, but I felt too tired of it all at the moment.

I didn’t want to think about the screaming fans outside, or worse paparazzi who wanted information about my dead wife’s case. I could already imagine that they wanted answers from me. Answers about my wife's death, answers about my tour cancel and when I would perform again. All those things of which I didn't even have an answer for myself currently. I didn't know how to deal with it if I would get bombarded with their curious questions.

I stared out to the window pane as I was in a trance, feeling the fear building up inside of me because of their sudden appearance.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade ordered the staff to close the curtains and to Stacey to finish her task quickly. He sounded professional, as if he was really on duty as a soldier, but I wasn't able to focus on his actions. All I remembered was that they luckily moved in harmony after his orders. 

One of them pulled the curtain to cover the glass wall. It suddenly went dimly inside, like the way I felt. Another one arranged more lights that Stacey could finish her job.

Except Mrs. Drakeford, they sat together on the waiting bench, whispering to each other after that while Stacey washed the rest of the shaving cream away which covered my face.

I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t face those screaming fans in my current state.

"Are you guys done?" 

“Yes, Mr. Caziano”, Stacey's answer was formal now compared earlier that she even called Zac, Blade.

Even though I was concerned about the sudden tumult outside the shop, I was glad that no one of them knew who Blade really was.

The media and the well informed part from my fans knew that I had a younger brother named Zachary. I had talked about in some interviews that me and my little brother lost contact through unfortunate circumstances and that I was searching for him...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It does exist highly probably even articles in some magazines about those interviews.

I am not a person who does involve private family affairs in public but I hoped him to find him that way. I thought it would be a bigger chance to find Zac.

I think there was too much of a coincidence to believe that I won't ever get to be with him again. I just don't believe that God would let me find out about my younger brother and not let me do anything about it.

Nervously, I dabbed my chin and my neck dry with a soft towel that Stacey handed to me.

"Blade, I can't face them right now, is there a way for us to go without them on the way?"

My legs were trembling as I was about to stand up.

“Do you have a backdoor?” He turned his attention to Stacey this time, who looked probably as pale as me.

“Yes we have a back exit, Mr. Caziano." Mrs. Drakeford interrupted before Stacey could answer him which made her looking relieved. Somehow, Mrs. Drakeford seemed to trust my brother in his actions more than I did. She moved by his request without asking, as if there was an unspoken connection between them. And he also clearly treated her with more respect than the rest of the staff.

"Stay here Taylor, okay?" Zachary turned his attention back to me.

"Where are you going? Are you going to leave me alone?" I exclaimed concerned. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Panic rose in me and the pleading words came out of my mouth before I could think about how pathetic they were. I didn't want him to go anywhere without me.

Is he going to leave me here!?

“I’ll just park the car to the nearest place from the back door so that we can walk to it.” His hand gripped my shoulder tightly.

“You’re going out of here without me.” I suddenly accused him. 

I just couldn't imagine anymore that he was able to handle it. He was my little brother. The boy who just played in enthusiasm with a sports magazine suddenly should deal with this situation. 

What if he was deep down as scared as I was? How did he intend to handle it? 

He squatted in front of me, his other hand gripped my other shoulder.

"Just stay the fuck in here and wait for me. I’ll be very quick. Do you get me, Taylor? I'll come back and get you out of here. I'm not going without you anywhere!”

The sheer composure in his voice told me to trust him and made me realize how pathetic my behaviour was. I sank down in the chair, I wanted it to swallow me in any way possible. I wanted to disappear because of shame and my egoism that I was accusing my little brother, just because I didn't want to be left alone...

"I'm so sorry." I apologized, dropping my face into my hand in embarrassment about my behavior.

Apparently, I had no choice but to let my brother do the rest for me. I owed him to show him my trust but I was doing the exact opposite. 

“Keep calm Taylor, trust me and wait here.” He patted my shoulder before he let go off me, letting me know that he wasn't mad, then gave Mrs. Drakeford a nod, before he hurried with her towards the back exit.

I sat there and watched him go out of the salon. I didn’t know what gotten into me that gave me the sudden attitude to accuse him. My conscience pricked me as I stood up to take a peak outside.

With shaking hands, I pulled the curtain aside a little bit and saw Blade being pushed by the crowd which blocked both exits already. There were some media, too. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He didn’t seem to be intimidated, though. Even the crowd felt his confidence, they all moved aside to let him pass. At least most of them. He looked calmed in spite of the chaos and the noise around him. He looked different suddenly, the look of concentration in his face somehow astonished me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

But I knew that many of my fans were hysterical and unpredictable. Even though the public knew that I got married at a young age already, the hysteria around me had never really lessened. The hype about my person has gained with the constant growth of my fame.

I didn't notice that Mrs. Drakeford was already back until she spoke to me in a soft and apologizing tone.

"I'm sorry for the sudden tumult Mr. Hanson. Actually, we wanted to provide you some relaxation during your visit here, but we can't influence the happenings in the whole mall outside this salon."

"I know, it's not your fault Ma'am. I also didn't intend to cause any trouble. I just need to get out of here soon." I replied understanding and turned to her for a moment.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

She gave me a look of commiseration. Her eyes were filled with sympathy, I just could feel that she was sincere. 

"Good thing your bodyguard is caring about your protection." A little smile formed across her lips and I knew that she said it to cheer me up.

But her words couldn't make me feel better. If they would knew who Blade really was... would she have said that to me anyway...? I doubt it.

How would they think about me if they'd know that my little brother was outside in the middle of a hysterical fan crowd while I was waiting for his return that he'd get me out of here? 

I needed to turn away from her and the stuff coz I didn't want anyone to see me how ashamed I felt that my little brother was arranging the matters for my security, while I was here, as weak as a kitten. I longed to go to a bathroom, a place where I could curl and hide and not having to feel their unbearable gazes on me anymore.

Ashamed, I bit my lower lip to stop myself from saying something which I might regret afterwards, went to the small table in the corner, took my bag, and the bouquet of flowers before I went back to her. I hemmed and cleared my throat a couple times before I could even speak again.

"How much do I owe you, Mrs. Drakeford?" I asked in a cracked voice.

"Oh, nothing Mr. Hanson. Mr. Caziano already paid the costs." She nonchalantly answered with a wave of her hand.

"He did?"

"Yes, don't worry. Everything is settled." Her soothing voice sounded like my Mom's in a way...

I turned my attention back to the window pane if I could still see him there outside.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Apparently, I was right in time as I saw a guy suddenly grabbing Blade's arm to pull him. He was on the way back to the salon, I could see that he had parked his Lamborghini as close as possible to the crowd who was waiting at the outer door of the back exit. 

The guy was taller than Blade, but Blade has a better built than him. It wasn't unusual that there were also some male fans there who wanted to see me. Mostly gay men.

Even though none of them knew about my gayness, I couldn't deny that I was told very often that I have a big appeal not only with girls and women, but also with many gay men. There had been rumors that I was gay since I was a teenager. I couldn't tell if that was caused by my androgynous look or my girlish tendencies... maybe both of that. 

I continued watching how Blade grabbed his collar and said something to the guy. Despite the noise around him he spoke calmly. There was a young woman beside the man who pulled Blade’s jacket to stop him, but Blade just turned his head to her and said something 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

that certainly caused her to throw her hands up in indignation about his remark.

I didn't know which rude remark of his vulgar gutter language vocabulary Zachary used this time that she reacted that way, but it reminded me that I had to talk with him about it at the right time.  
I can't stand such a crude behaviour. He can't always talk like that with people. That's out of place!

The guy wasn’t smart though, he grasped Blade’s wrists trying to pull his hands away.  
I watched the interaction between them through the window pane with heavy apprehension. I couldn’t hear their talking, all I knew was that I was holding my breath the moment Blade pushed the guy who ended up slumped on the ground, gripping his throat. 

I thought the ugly scene was already over but, I couldn’t do anything more but to just press my hand over my mouth when one of the guys in the crowd suddenly jumped over to Blade’s back, encircling his arm around his neck. He was probably with the guy Blade just shoved away.

“Oh, God…” I whispered, praying for Zac to make it out of the crowd.

At this point I couldn't just sit still, I started pacing and moving around, moving around irrationally. He was out there among a hysterical crowd of fans and I was just waiting here without doing anything!

Gosh, Taylor what are you doing?!?

I suddenly got angry with myself. He never had to deal with my fans before, he didn't know how crazy they could be. How could I let him to go out there all by himself?!

My bodyguard.... my bodyguard... he was my little brother for heaven's sake!

The voices in my head were shouting at me. I was torn between my voice of reason and my feelings of guilt to show Zachary my trust which I knew that I owed him.

I didn't want the hysterical crowd to see me, but I couldn't stay here, it's making me feel ill, but I knew outside would make me feel worse. It's counter argument after counter argument. Utterly ridiculous and futile, but all very real when I was panicking. I couldn't make up my mind as there were at least two minds trying to kick each other in. I felt completely trapped by my brain.

What if Zac would get hurt out there? I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I had to listen to the voice of reason! Zachary's security was too important for me, I didn't want him to get hurt. I didn't want any harm happening to him.

I just couldn't stand there watching him fighting without doing anything!

"Mrs. Drakeford, I need the keys for the doors." I demanded determined as I turned my attention back to her.

"I don't think that's a good idea Mr. Hanson, your bodyguard is out there, he'll get the car for you to leave."

"I have to go. I can't wait anymore."

"The crowd outside is going really crazy because of you. They are blocking both exit doors already."

She looked at me questioning why I didn't want to wait for Blade to come back and let him do his work by himself, but I just couldn't. I was too worried about him. I couldn't care about what Mrs. Drakeford and the other staff were thinking about me. Even if I couldn't do much to help him, at least I would be with him. I couldn't let him alone outside in that hysterical crowd. I was his big brother, I had to look out for him!

I couldn't be considerate of my weakness, my shame and what other people thought about what I was doing. My instinct told me to go out to help Zachary. I had to do something. Immediately!

It didn't matter to me how strong Zachary was, I just couldn't let him alone out there if he might be in danger!

I could feel the confused looks on me from Mrs. Drakeford, Stacey and the rest of their staff. Of course they couldn't understand what I wanted to do.

Hastily, I looked around how to get out and saw that the keys were lying on the counter. I almost forgot about how enfeebled I was because of several days without food. My weak legs reminded me as I stumbled towards the counter and nearly fell down.

Trembling, I grabbed them, hastily searching for the right key of the door.

"It's this one Mr. Hanson." Mrs. Drakeford helpfully took the keys out of my hand and put one of them in keyhole.

"Are you really sure you want to go out there?" She asked me in a worried tone. Doubtlessly, she was still wondering about my actions.

"Yes Ma'am, I gotta go. Please open the door!" I insisted, nodding. 

"Please be careful. Goodbye Mr. Hanson." She unlocked the door, then pulled it open for me. I immediately was welcomed by the deafening cries and screams from the hysterical crowd, now directly in front of me. 

Maybe it was insane, but despite my panic, I just couldn't wait inside and drink coffee, while Zachary might get hurt somewhere out there.

"Bye, er.. and thanks for the service." I waved a farewell to her, even though I wasn't sure if she could still hear me at all. But she did.

"Anytime Mr. Hanson. Take care!" Through the loud noise, I could only read her reply from her lips, the moment before I walked out of the salon...


	46. Chapter 46

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

My heart nearly leapt out of my chest as I stepped out of the salon. The volume of the screamings around me was indescribable. Have I mentioned that my fans even held an unbroken record for being the loudest fans in history? Well, I was experiencing it at first hand once again. I could tell that those loud screamings pierced arrow and bone, my heart was starting to beat harder and faster. My whole body was trembling but I tried to ignore it and forced myself to go out to find Zachary.

I immediately was surrounded by ca. hundred or more fans who were screaming my name in hysteria, that they love me... all kinds of public display of affection. Most of them were taking pictures of me and held things in my direction that I should sign.

But how could I sign their stuff if I wasn't even able to finish writing my diary entry?!

I felt pressured as they surrounded me closer in no time.

I looked over to the street where the line of the crowd ended for Blade but I got surprised.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Even though only a few seconds have been passed since I watched the scene from the inner window pane, he already had the situation under control. He was quick in his reaction, he reached up to his opponents face, pushed his thumb under his nose pushing upward. In an instant, the guy’s arm around his neck loosened, and that’s when Blade bended a little and quickly flipped the guy in his back who bent in pain and moved away from him after that.

I, myself was dumb struck to what I saw. I was wrong... he didn't even need my help.

The people that were standing around him which looked upset about the scene at first, suddenly looked surprised at my brother. He didn't place value on it though, he turned away from them without caring about their glances and whispering. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He just left them standing there and began to push his way through the crowd without further discussion with them. Zac didn't lie, he really still didn't care about public attention. He didn't respond their surprised looks for self-affirmation about what he'd done. You've got to hand it to him. 

It was this one trait of him which made Zac stronger than me, not only physically but also emotionally. Zachary never cared of what people thought about him. I did.

He wouldn't still clown around nowadays like no one's watching otherwise. I'm convinced he would have got out of that habit more than a decade ago in that case.

And I think that's the main difference between the two of us.

It never mattered to me how tough Zac was though. His security was what mattered to me.

That's why I couldn't share the confusion from the people about what he did, because the incident began to make me wonder about a thing...

Why was Zac so careless and indifferent about his own life? He acted like his life wasn't worth anything, almost like he didn't deserve a life...

As if he was punishing himself for something I didn't know... 

I wondered what changed him that he had become to this.

A deep sigh of relief breathed out of me that he was okay when the ugly scene was over. I wanted to go over to him and try to come to meet him but the pushy crowd didn't let me move one single meter forward.

Instead, everyone's attention was now back on me. I suddenly felt hands from fanatic, overzealous fans everywhere on me. They began to touch my hair, my back, even my butt. I was caught in the middle of those screaming girls around me. I was dazzled by their flashlights from all sides.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Taylor, Taylor, oh my god Taylor!! It's really him!!!"

"Oh Taylor, I love you. Can you take a picture with me? Please! Oh my god, you're so beautiful!"

"Taylor, are you feeling better? Please Taylor, can you sign this?"

Their voices didn't stop screaming my name and I suddenly felt my helplessness in its entirety. I became unsteady on my feet and realized I didn't have the strength to get out of them. I was unable to do anything. Panic overwhelmed me. I got dizzy and couldn't listen to anyone anymore. My vision became blurry and chaotic.

Wherever I was, I had this overall feeling of needing to escape. If I didn't escape, I was sure I would faint. I would start shaking, sweating and twitching, sort of. I needed to move. If I stayed still, I thought I was going to die.

As I was caught in the middle of them, I got this feeling. I felt the urge to move, but I couldn't. My knees were shaking, my nerves were all cracking, because of the chaotic scene around me. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I didn't want it to happen, I tried to regain my composure and fought to stop it, but before I even had the chance to analyze what was happening, I felt my knees giving up.

It seemed ridiculous to think that I had to shout for help after my little brother, but I suddenly knew there was no other option left. I had followed my heart to go outside to look if anything happened to Zachary, but I ended up getting pressed. I wanted to help my younger brother, unfortunately it turned the other way around.

Despite my panic, I still didn't know how I could bring myself to actually do it though. To think about it was one thing, but to experience a scene like that in point of fact was much more humiliating than I could have ever imagined.

I was in public. Sure, none of them knew who Blade was, but I knew it and that was enough for me to know.

We didn't have a possibility to make eye contact, because a split of a second before he turned in my direction I already was falling down on my knees... like in slow motion, fully conscious but unable to stop what was happening...

The hysteria of the inner circle from the crowd stopped for a short moment, but it didn't last long until they began to shout and to touch me again in a frenzied chaos.

"Taylor, oh my god poor Taylor! Why don't people stop touching him? He just fell down!"

"What's going on with Taylor? Has he collapsed?" 

I tried not to listen anymore to their voices which were talking all at once. I brought my knees up to my chest in an effort to protect myself. One of my hands instinctively reached for the small wood cross around my neck.

Oh god help me please!

I already realized that it was a big mistake to go out alone and not wait for Blade to come back. I just wasn't used to have a bodyguard who also was my little brother and should protect me, instead of the contrary. I wanted to help him, but the truth was, I was the one being dependent from his help.

At that moment, while I was surrounded by the enthusiastic noises and pushes they made, my unsettled mind suddenly drifted to the past and I saw a vision of a boy who bullied me a child. Billy Mahoney. It was a childhood memory of me and my brother. The time when we were young.

Zac always had to beat on things. If he wouldn't have joined the Army, he probably would have become an amazing drummer... I always felt like my little brother had inherited the same musical talents I've been blessed with... but that's apart from the subject.

There was that one time when we were kids. Zac was nine and I just turned twelve years old. Billy must have been circa eleven at that time. During my puberty years, I was frequently mistaken of being a girl and that Billy boy from our neighborhood in Tulsa sometimes teased me because of that. Billy was a rude kid to say the least. He teased everyone whenever he got an opportunity. He called Zachary a little cookie monster and and I got some mean teasing because of my girly look.

One day Zachary heard when Billy teased me and immediately came at him and beat him up. When our parents scolded Zac for what he did, he told them that "that Mahoney bastard talked bad about our family!" in his defence.

I never considered violence as the right way to settle things. However, from then on, Billy left me alone. I remember that I felt a little ashamed because of that, even though I was glad that Billy Mahoney stopped bullying me after that.

All I could think of that time was that, my nine year old brother had beaten somebody up in my name.

We ended up not talking to each other for three full days and I remember that Zachary was offended about my behaviour. I couldn't really feel thankful to him because it was embarrassing for me.

Later I told him that he acted like a Neanderthal in my hurt pride and he called me an ungrateful Girlie in return because I never thanked him.

It wasn't an extraordinary experience. Only a few days later we were getting along again and didn't talk about it anymore. Many years have been passed since then, but I still could remember it like it was yesterday.

How weird that I had to think about this memory now, for the first time again after so many years...

Back then, I felt ashamed and now I felt exactly the same. This time was different though. Much more embarrassing than that random childhood experience.

Meanwhile, we're both grown up men and I couldn't handle things with the same ease and insouciance like when I was a child and things were not that complicated like they're nowadays. Back then... when Zachary's and my responsibilities were much lighter and smaller. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

At my current age, I was expected to be able to take care of myself. Sure, my life situation left me no choice than to have a bodyguard, but I never expected my little brother to do that job for me. Probably no one would.

Which older brother wouldn't feel uncomfortable with that? I don't know anyone who is in a comparable situation like I am...

I just couldn't shout for help after my little brother! Although I was desperate for help at the same time. 

How the hell should I overcome my sense of shame? Why couldn't I just disappear instead of having to do this? How could I run away from myself? 

I just couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't... Fuck!

What shall I do? 

I wouldn't have felt less embarrassed if I was stuck in that wild crowd completely naked. The arguments in my head got so fast and disturbing that my brain shut down my body. I felt claustrophobic and couldn't cope any longer with the thoughts and feelings in my head and in my body. Gaspingly, I closed my eyes, wishing myself to another place. Why wouldn't the world just go down with me and this embarrassing situation?

[](http://www.directupload.net)

How much do I have to go through until giving up is okay...?

I knew that my overzealous fans might trample me to death if I wouldn't show any reaction soon. I was already wasting time...

At that point, I didn't even know anymore why I still held onto my pride. The pushing around me became worse with every moment and I absolutely didn't want to die there. There was no shielding barrier between me and my fans, no stage pit, no other securities, no possibilities. All I could do was to shout for help to my little brother, no matter how pathetic it was. I drew my knees up closer under my chin and wrapped my arms around my legs. Okay Taylor, breathe in and then breathe out. Inhale, exhale. There was nothing I could do about this entire situation. 

As some loony girl suddenly ripped a strand of my hair out my panic finally prevailed. 

In the end I knew that I had no choice, but to jump over my shame... 

Tears gathered in my eyes as I raised my head towards the sky to cry out the most ashaming plea of my life.

"BLADE! Where are you?" I cried out helplessly. My voice shouted for Blade and my heart for Zachary. Internally, I knew that I just lost the last bit of pride I still had. I had no pride anymore. I was completely broken. All I could do was to shout for help for my little brother to rescue me, no matter how pathetic it was.

Unfortunately, my cry for help was too weak that it was engulfed by the loud screaming around me in an instant. I couldn't even here my own hoarsed voice, but I didn't know what else I could do.

My body was shaking and trembling. I wanted to get away from there. Nothing else mattered. My heart was racing, my chest was pounding. I couldn’t catch my breath. My heart felt like it's going to explode. 

"Blade! Please come and help me!" I tearfully whined. This feeling of not getting any help, when I've already come this far and asked for it which took a lot of effort for me to do was devastating. I couldn't see that my brother already had seen the wild throng that surrounded me and was pushing his way towards me.

My last cry was more a sob of desperation than a shout for help. I felt so pathetic. But I couldn't be considerate of my pride anymore. I needed help. I needed my little brother, my bodyguard.

I just sat there alone and helplessly on the ground, pressed my hands on my ears to block out the hysterical screamings around me. I was reckoning I'd faint any moment. I could see but the world was not like it should be. Like everything I saw had peeled itself away from reality and now existed in a sort of fantasy world. I couldn't move anymore. 

Though I desperately wished to flee, I found myself helplessly frozen. There was no escape. I felt lightheaded and I thought I might die right there on the spot.

The only thing I could do was to hope that Zachary would find me among them, he was the only one who could help me out of here.

Otherwise, I was sure of that, my last hour has come.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
video inspiration for this Chapter:

Taylor Hanson - bed of roses 


	47. Chapter 47

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade: 

Well, well well. Here we were again. Once I was out of the hysterical crowd who screamed their souls out after Taylor I ran back to my car, got in and steered my Lamborghini to the back exit of the barber's shop as fast as possible. My thoughts didn't leave Taylor for one single second. The concerned look in his eyes accompanied me on every step with the knowledge that he still didn't trust me. I reassured Bandito on my way back whose stomach get easily upset during fast car drives, even though it was just a very short one.

The gathering of the people in front of the salon had gotten even bigger when I arrived back, the news that my famous brother Taylor Hanson was there was spreading like goddamn wildfire. All people roundabout it were affected by his person and acted like crazy as if they were all drugged to their fucking eyeballs. I could tell they encircled the barber's shop wilder than a bunch of megahorny johns a house of pleasure on payday. Girls were pushing and screaming Taylor's name hysterically.

Some people had seen me when I left the salon, so when I came back shortly afterwards after I parked my car close by them, they could easily put one and one together that I was there to get Taylor out of the salon. I got asked and implored several times if they would get to see my famous brother by any chance.

I didn't bother wasting my time with them, I had to get back to Taylor as quick as possible! But my intention was stopped by two guys which didn't want to let me pass until they'd get infos from me about Taylor. One of them was a paparazzi and the other one seemed to be a gay fan of Taylor.

My express request to let go off me and be considerate towards Taylor fell on deaf ears so I dealt with the situation like it was necessary, rearranged the face of the paparazzi and pushed the other guy down. Also some random celeb chick thought she had to put in her two cents, she was one of them who already jumped for joy that Taylor Hanson was now a single again. That, of course, was unacceptable. My eyebrows furrowed accordingly as she received an appropriate remark in return.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

As I dealt with them, feelings of guilt built up in me. Not because of those overzealous dumbasses, but I began to realize that Taylor's life wasn't as half as easy as I thought of him before. I always thought that he'd lead an easy life of luxury in great style...

It all ended in one thing: I had a totally different imagination of my brother and the life he led.

To be the center of attention of that wild crowd was something I absolutely didn't envy Taylor for. Especially not for those reporters and pushy paparazzi guys which apparently had no sense for limits when it comes to get an interview with the famous superstar...

As I finally got rid off the fucking twats, I suddenly got this alarming feeling in me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The volume of the screamings around the barber's shop had gotten louder and I immediately knew there could only be one reason for that.

Taylor!

I had to remain calm, even though I knew that the situation just got out of control. Somewhere in the middle of the throng of people was my brother but I couldn't see him. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Shit! No time for thinking, I pushed my way through the crowd as fast as possible, following the crescendoing volume of the screamings.

My worries about Taylor became bigger with every step. 

Actually, I wouldn't have felt different than on any other mission, maybe it would even have been fun to beat up those barnacles, but I was too concerned about Taylor and his weak condition.

And for the first time, I felt something in me, a feeling of which I thought that it would have died in me already. My care about someone who was dependent from my help. Not anyone. Someone who actually cared about me equally.

I was responsible for that person and couldn't allow that something would happen to him. My older brother was alone stuck in that hysterical fan crowd. He didn't follow my order to wait for me, coz I had given him not enough reasons to trust me earlier.

The reasons I once had, the reasons why I treated him like a piece of shit had faded away since I knew that Taylor was hiding a secret from me. Something he couldn't tell me because he was afraid to talk about it.

Some of my scars have faded, but I still remembered why the wounds were marked in my soul...  
But my own misery didn't matter for me right now.

What's left was the slowly gaining urge in me to punish myself because of the fuckin' mess I made...  
Currently, I suppressed it with the strong will in me to do whatever was necessary that my brother would find his strength back.

And I suddenly knew again why this feeling felt so familiar to me. The feeling of losing control even though I shouldn't, was something I already experienced before. A feeling that I actually never wanted to feel again after what happened last year.

It reminded me of Santiago's accident.

When he was suffering a serious injury and I didn't know what to do...

I couldn't allow it that something like that or worse would repeat! Clenching my fists, I pulled myself together, coz grim determination was the only thing I needed right now to get everything else which was distracting me out of my mind. The closer I came to the back exit of the barber's shop the more they crowded together.

I had no choice but to shout and curse at people to make place... to hell with damn manners! I had no fucking time to waste!

In my mind I could see myself shooting them all down with a machine gun in order to get my way through them. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I know this ain't the front, but some soldiers never leave the battlefield...

Suddenly, I could hear the desperate voice from six feet away and I knew in an instant that it was Taylor. Finally, I had found him. Surrounded by his hysterical fans, he had huddled up himself on the ground, some crushed flowers were scattered around him, the bouquet of flowers he had before was gone. He looked pale and insubstantial, the ground seeming to swallow him up.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I wasn't sure if there was a description for his expression, but his tear-eyed blue eyes had that ashamed, panicky and distraught look and he looked so helpless. I'd never seen him look so lost and forlorn before. Like a five year old stuck in a big boy's body who lost his parents in the mall. Since I saw Taylor in a different light, things were changing.

Now, seeing my brother like that made me feel like such an ass because of the way I treated him before. 

"Help me please Blade!" His lips mouthed the pleading words and my despair turned into heartfelt sympathy in one second as he beseeched me to help him.

Taylor's desperate plea also kindled another feeling in me, my protective instinct over him. And with that emerging feeling in me, I felt that this bodyguard job was not only a duty for me anymore, it was much more than that. It became to my assignment to protect my older brother, because I wanted to keep my family safe from harm.

I couldn't allow myself to regret though, I could feel pain, but it's not the same thing. There were no time for emotions, I had to get him out of here as quick as possible.

"Taylor are you okay? Get up!"

I pushed the people around us roughly away before I propped him up to his feet and pulled him protectively against me.

"Please Blade bring me away from here!" He begged in a whiny tone.

"I will Taylor, don't worry!" I reassured him, rubbing his back soothingly. "Can you walk?"

"I don't know." He sobbed and shrugged unsure. He was shaking hard and I noticed that his shaky legs threatened to give in anytime. Quickly, I took his shoulder bag from him, hung it around my neck and gave him more support with my other arm.

"Try it Taylor! You have to try to walk!" I commanded him, but it seemed as if his fear and embarrassment caused him into a state of daze, coz he suddenly didn't reply to me anymore. But I knew that it would be worse for him if I'd carry him through that crowd and I wanted to save him the blushes.

He stood there awkwardly, looking bashfully at the ground, his ashamed expression hidden under his blond hair strains. I sensed that he was unsure if he could make it by himself.

"If you fall, you can cling to me, you can scratch me too, I'll keep holding you." I encouraged him one more time.

The stares and pushes of the other people were making Taylor appear eerily claustrophobic. He closed his eyes for a moment as he took in long breaths. After a couple of seconds, his blue eyes reopened and met mine before he eventually wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his embarrassed face into my shoulder.

"When I move, you move, understand? Stay close and don't stray. As long as we move we'll be fine." I said as loud as possible to him before I slowly started my way with him through the hysterical screaming crowd. I shielded Taylor to my body protectively, holding him firmly in my grasp that he wouldn't fall.

The thing that Taylor constantly felt embarrassed around me had turned into a very serious problem between us. I already was concerned about it since he confessed it to me for the first time and unfortunately my foreshadows came true.

I knew that it wasn't good for Taylor if he could never release his worries, sorrow and fear in my company if his sense of shame always impeded him. Holding stuff like this in wasn't good for anyone.

He was still shaking and I was worried about him. My sensitive older brother was so delicately built that I was nearly afraid to break his bones of his fragile, girly body. I heard him whimpering but it was muffled due to half his face being buring into my shoulder. The people around us were photographing us the whole time, catching every single movement of us with their cells and cameras. 

Shortly, before we reached my car, I saw the paparazzi guy standing on one side of the line which I had given a nose job. His nose was bleeding and he threw us some evil glances as we passed him. My arms instinctively provided more protection for Taylor.

"I'm gonna say this one time, you make a move on him, you'll be dead before you hit the ground. You understand me?" I warned him loud and territorially. I'm not the kind of man who asks twice.

His scowling stare lessened in an instant. I couldn't tell if he had finally learned his lesson, but he backed away a bit from us after that.

I opened the passenger car door for Taylor and didn't let go off him until he sat safely in my car in front of a loudly barking Bandito. 

"Sit back and put your seatbelt on, little fairy." I said before closing the car door and walking over to the driver's side.

He remained silent the whole time and I sensed that something was not alright.

I had to talk to him. I couldn't allow that he would let himself fall into that state of daze until I couldn't reach him anymore.

No, not again..!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
video inspiration for this Chapter:


	48. Chapter 48

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

I quickly started the engine to drive us away from the screaming crowd which couldn't stop taking pictures of my brother and tapping with their hands against the car windows once we got in. Actually, you could still hear the screaming very well from within the car. It was as if no walls were separating us from the insane fan posse outside. As fast as possible, I pulled us away from the gaggle of people before they'd try to follow us.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Bandito was barking until they were out of sight and Taylor sat on the other side in the passenger seat, his elbow leaned on the window frame. He looked tired and pale from the recent series of events, his eyes were closed and I knew that he was trying to shut down everything around him.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Taylor? How do you feel? Are you okay?"

No answer.

"Taylor, I asked you a question."

"Not now, Blade. Not now," he tiredly answered.

"Seriously Taylor, we need to talk!"

"I'm tired Blade. My body is tired and I'm emotionally drained. I'm too broken right now to recover. I don't want to talk. So please just keep silent ok? I really don't wanna hear anything right now."

I could hear his exhaustion and burnout in every word that he spoke and I wanted to be there for him, but I felt that he didn't want me to care about him. It disappointed me that he refused me once again but I already expected it.

'Cause what had I achieved with my temper tantrums in the last couple of days?

Nada.

I wanted to show him understanding for his situation and not to put him under pressure in hope to win his trust, even though I didn't know how to understand something of which I didn't even know what was to understand. I hung in the air somewhere between secrets and truth which was a pretty fucked up situation to say the least, but because of Taylor's current condition I was willing to wait for him until he was ready to talk about it with me.

At the moment, there were other things which were more important to resolve anyway. My bad forebodings unfortunately came true as I experienced how a mob of crazy fans came at my fragile brother of whom nobody knew how much longer he could withstand that situation. Though it wasn't his overzealous fans which caused difficulties, it was the trust that Taylor and me were trying to build up, which wasn't strong enough yet and this little brother - older brother thing that had developed into a serious problem between us.

To be honest, I still completely failed to understand why Taylor felt so ashamed of me. He was steadily embarrassed because of me and I couldn't understand why. Apparently, he considered it as not cool to get help from his little brother, I didn't know.

I had no idea if I'd ever understand it, coz I never gave a fuck about what's cool and what's not.

What I knew was that, I really didn't like to get judged because of my age, coz I know that skills have nothing to do with it. And if older siblings, or people in general can't feel thankful when they get help, just because it didn't happen in the coolest way, that's pretty fucked up if you ask me.

Even though we're both adults and actually it shouldn't matter anymore, but yet I felt judged by Taylor because of my age. I wanted to help him to get used to me that he could be safe and comfortable with me but it turned out more difficult than I expected. 

He had pulled an I-pod out of his shoulder bag and the earplugs were plugged in his ears that he wouldn't need to talk and listen to me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I contemplated for a moment what to do, we were on the highway at full speed. As usual, I couldn't fucking help but to do the first thing which popped into my mind. It's probably a bad habit to be that impatient like I am, but it's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready. I always have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And I may as well do it now. 'Cause generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.

So I did the first best thing, wound down the window next to me a bit, grabbed Taylor's I-pod and threw it out the window. He turned to me and looked aghast for a moment as if he couldn't believe what I just did before he narrowed his eyes at me.

"What's all this crap? That was my fucking I-pod Blade! Seriously, which zoo did release you ANIMAL?!?"

He shouted angrily, but I sensed that he was just trying to make me mad that I would leave him in his Taylor world. To push me away like he did nine years ago, when he also didn't want to talk with me about our parents death. But I wasn't that teenager anymore. Not again would I let him push me away like that! Even if he considered me as the most primitive knuckle dragger he had ever met.

"You can have my I-pod or I'll buy you a new one Taylor, but we really have to talk now!"

"No! You respect no one and nothing and I don't want to talk anymore with such a rude and respectless person!" He complained vehemently.

Sure, I couldn't tell if it was right to throw everything that pissed me off out of the window and if my impatience which didn't hang about something if a quick solution was needed was an excuse for it, but this car drive to Santiago's bar where Taylor finally should eat something before he would break down completely and where I would commit Bandito to Santiago's and Manolo's care was my last chance to try to solve some things alone with him of which we really had to talk about.

Even though Santiago was like a father to me, I couldn't say if Taylor would immediately feel comfortable in a company with someone who was a stranger for him. So I couldn't miss this chance.

I hoped that Taylor would realize how much I needed him to talk with me right now. I didn't reproach him that he didn't wait for me, because I knew that if we would have had a better start, maybe he had trusted me earlier. I felt sorry for him that he had to went through this bad experience without me by his side. Besides, it was the first time in the last nine years that Taylor showed me that I really mattered for him. Not only through tears, he wanted to come to help me. How could I not appreciate that?!

He shouldn't think that I was the only one who was competent for feats. 

If Taylor was a random client, I would have informed him about the danger of that situation at this point. But Taylor was not a random client, he was my older brother and even though I couldn't give less fucks about our small age difference, it wouldn't work if he felt treated like he was a ignorant child. We were grown up and I didn't want to make him feel that way.

I didn't need to repeat how dangerous the situation outside has been for him. Taylor might have been trampled. Or kidnapped. Or killed.

Both of us knew it. I was scared for him like he was for me. I really hoped that something like that wouldn't happen again. 

However, I knew we both had some undigest bullshit in our lives and this wasn't a competition who of us got the worst lot. 

I didn't want to lose him again.

But how could I reach him? Sentimentalism wasn't exactly a strength of mine...

Taylor: 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I wished myself back to the time when things were fine. Zachary wanted to talk with me but I felt so exhausted from everything that I just wanted to sleep. To sleep to escape from reality. It would have been nice to forget everything for a little while...

Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep right now though, so I tried to fill the gaping hole in my chest with music instead, in hope it would make this whole thing less painful...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I almost couldn't believe it as he threw my I-pod out the window. If there's one thing I learned in the last few days about my younger brother was to always expect the unexpected. We wouldn't get along if he'd remain respectless like that, not to me and not to other people. We definitely would have to work on his bad manners in the future, that's for sure!

But at the moment I felt too broken to care about it. There were other things which bothered me than that. It depressed and frustrated me that I couldn't be what I should be. Not for my wife, not for my baby, not for Zachary. That I couldn't be what I want. I was just so damn tired. I didn't want to hear anything right now.

My little brother saved me out of the hysterical fan crowd and proved me that he was able to take care of me. Better than I currently could. I had to admit that in the end I didn't care anymore who he was. I just wanted to get rescued by anyone. But from that moment, he was there and brought me back into his car, I felt like such a Loser again. The voice in my head which told me what a pathetic, careless Loser I was.

Why was it so hard for me to admit to him that I was so weak in my current state? Why was everything I wanted to do such an exhausting, unnerving fight?

When I was so sad and disappointed from myself, I didn't actually know how to function. I just sat there, feeling numb. And now in this inferior position, I was waiting for my little brother beginning to reprimand me for my imprudent decision to go out and risk my life.

But he didn't say anything for a while. Instead, a silence filled the air between Zac and me of which I was glad about. I thought he had finally accepted my wish for some silence until I felt his hand on my shoulder.

"I really need to talk with you Taylor." He approached me again.

I shrugged his hand off me, opened my eyes and turned to him.

"Oh yeah that you can tell me how stupid and imprudent I was that I wanted to come for you to help? Don't worry Blade, it won't happen again. Next time I'll hopefully lose my consciousness because of fear and shame before I have to shout for your help again!"

I bickered embittered. Why was he forcing me to this? Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

"Don't do that Taylor. Don't do that to me again." He said quietly. He reminded me that I owed to talk with him so bad but I was feeling so sick and tired of everything that I didn't know how to deal with him right now. How could I still be myself after everything that happened?

"What the fuck do you want from me Blade? Why can't you just leave me the fuck alone! I just want to skip the bullshit for a while."

I hurted myself, I hurted him as I pushed him away once again. I didn't even mean it, but I felt so completely defeated that I just couldn't deal with him right now. I felt like I was in a state of undeserved mercy and couldn't find a way how to get out of it.

"I just want to be left alone Blade. I don't want to feel that way anymore. You witness me in the most awkward and embarrassing situations, so I hope that you get at least your satisfaction. Yes, you saved me out of that throng of people, but I'm not going to kiss your ass for that! So excuse me that I'm not gonna give you a fucking gold medal!"

I shouted bitterly with my last strengths. I didn't know if my words hurt him, but honestly, I was too exhausted to actually care at that moment. Coz I'd give anything for a little peace. As I felt a hard lump building up in my throat, I internally knew that I probably just hurt myself more than him. Deep down, it made me sick that all this shit occupied my mind, even though all I wanted was to grieve in peace about my wife and my baby.

"Seriously Taylor, I'm not here to prove that I'm stronger than you, to play your own personal superhero or whatever the fucking fuck! Don't fuck with my feelings just because you're unsure of your own!"

He sounded serious but I wasn't finished yet. I didn't even know what sort of language was that to use the way he talked. I wasn't used to such an ordinary behavior.

I had lost my pregnant wife, my pride and I felt like I had nothing more to lose and nothing to give. I was too humilated and mortified about the situation which just happened. Sometimes everyone has had enough. I just didn't want to feel that way anymore.

"Or what? Will you shout at me again like a drill Sergeant? Coz being violent and brutal is apparently all you can Blade."

I shouted in a higher pitch, purposefully trying to make him mad. I didn't mean it and deep down I hoped he knew that, I just wished he would leave me in my own thoughts. After all I went through, it was my pain, my sorrow, my fear which cried out of me. My voice probably couldn't even hide my pain, but after everything that happened, it didn't matter for me anymore. 'Cause when I get so sad, like I was now, I wanted to completely shut down. I stare blankly into the distance and it didn't matter what I said or what he said, because in those moments, I don't exist. I wished I could lay in my bed, for hours in the dark and never get up.

Zac let out a heavy sigh before he spoke again.

"Stop fucking pouting like a defiant child, Taylor!"

"Stop you lecturing me like you would be my big brother!"

All of a sudden, we were two arguing brothers in a circle without an ending.

Isn't it weird how even arguing can give you a feeling of familiarity sometimes?

Maybe, I might even have laughed about our comments if the entire situation wouldn't have been so strange and serious.

He averted his eyes from me after that and focussed on the traffic outside the street again.

"I sure as hell don't understand why you are so embarrassed by me, Taylor. Is it not cool to get rescued by your little brother? I don't expect you to thank me, but if you can't appreciate anything I do for you, just because of the fact that I'm your little brother, I think that is pretty fucked up!"

He said calmly, as if he was thinking out loud. I knew Zachary hardly could hide what he thinks when he didn't like something and this time wasn't an exception. He was always so bossy towards me. If only he could understand how fucked up the situation was for me. I never wanted us to be this way. I didn't want him to think that I wasn't thankful that he saved me. I was.

It surprised me that he didn't expect me to thank him though.

"You don't expect me to thank you?" I frowned at him.

"I don't think I need to beg for your appreciation if you don't know it yourself. I guess you wouldn't just as little. If you don't feel it, I can do very well without feigned gratefulness. 'Cause I don't put value on a thank you that is not honest. Furthermore, it's more important that you trust me than that you thank me."

Zac's typical directness made no bones about it and he made his position straight-out clear to me.

What I actually needed was recognition. To get finally rid off of that uncomfortable feeling which always made me feel ashamed and embarrassed around him. It had overtaken me like a disease of which I didn't know how to get rid off.

"You act like it's you against the world, but it's really just you against yourself." He spoke again.

"Oh Congratulations to that wise realization Blade!" I replied sarcastically.

It sounded all so easy out of his mouth, but was so difficult to put into practice. He couldn't know how I felt, he wasn't in my situation. But why wasn't he getting angry this time? I honestly didn't know if I should be confused about it or even more mad.

"I know that I'm probably not the best companion when it comes to talk about things like that Taylor, but I want you to give me chance to understand what's going on with you and to talk with me, because I really don't fucking get it." He approached me again and looked at me expectantly after that.

I kept silent for a while and I felt that he was waiting for me to talk with him. I also knew that we couldn't go on like that. Usually, I wouldn't even have a problem to talk about emotional things like that. If only I could talk about them with Skye, I knew it wouldn't be as half as difficult. My little brother usually wasn't someone with whom I talked about awkward, touchy subjects like that.

But I couldn't deny that he was here, and even though he acted like a crazed animal, he was here and he was willing to listen. I didn't want him to think that I judged him because of his age. I didn't even know about myself that I would have such problems to deal with it. I guess my sensitivity was only caused by my fear of losing Zac's and everyone else's respect. 

Maybe, our age difference wouldn't matter for me if we didn't grew up apart. We both skipped a big part of our youth and now all of a sudden, we were together again in this extraordinary situation. I guess, I just needed some time to realize that my little brother had became an adult because of the missing years we had from each other.

I also knew that we could never clarify the things between us if we wouldn't face the problem. We couldn't solve it with saying nothing to each other to just get over it. It was my turn to make the first step to open up to him...

Unaware, I fumbled at my fingernails as I met his stare.

"I didn't want that to happen Blade..." I finally said quietly.

"I know Taylor. I didn't want that to happen either. I wanted to be back quicker, but some dumbasses crossed my way, so I had to get rid off them first."

"Yeah, I've seen what happened from inside the window. I was worried for you Blade coz I've seen you in the crowd fighting with two guys and wanted to come to help you. I already know it was a dumb decision..."

"I was scared for you too Taylor. What you did wasn't dumb, I know that you did it coz you cared for me, but you don't need to help me doing my job. You know that I am here to handle the dirty shit in your life."

"But that shouldn't have happened! I wanted to come for you to help but I couldn't do anything to help you Blade. So that doesn't count."

"It counts for me Taylor." He said and looked over to me. It meant a lot for me that he said that. I swallowed a hard lump away to continue talking.

"Back then, I failed as your big brother and now instead of make up to you, I let you take care of me which feels for me like I would fail again. Can you imagine how I feel because of that? It makes me feel like a total Loser."

"You are not a Loser Taylor! If there's a Loser in our family, it's certainly not you!"

He responded loudly, then he made a pause and snuffled before he continued.

"Anyway! Why don't you just leave it to me to take care of you?"

"Coz it's not right for Heaven's Sake! Older siblings protect their younger siblings not the contrary!" I protested, even though I already felt that my objections had began to fade. Coz the incident confirmed me that he was capable of doing his job. I had seen it with my own eyes how easily he dealt with the two men who attacked him.

I didn't know how he did it, but he managed it to bring me safely and unharmed out of the crowd to his car, opened the door for me and let me getting in. He didn't let go off me until I was in his car and I have never been so glad to be back in safety.

"Why the fuck do you always assess me just because I'm two years younger than you? Skills have nothing to do with age!" He frowned at me.

I even agreed with him on that part. As a songwriter and musician who already started making music at a young age, I already came to known how unnerving it could be if my music and my lyrics were judged and not taken serious because of my young age back then. But still, this situation wasn't comparable for me. Coz it doesn't bring anyone in danger when I write a song. And it also didn't feel that weird and awkward for me.

"It's just... I feel so ashamed because of you. You are my little brother. Even though our age difference is not big, I'll always be your big brother. No matter what we do. Nothing can change that."

I confessed my honest feelings to him ruefully.

"Who gives a shit? Meanwhile we're adults and there's no fucking law that says who should protect whom in a family."

He responded indifferently, took his Ray Ban's off and threw them on the dashboard.

"I... I just don't want you to think of me as non-independent person Za- I mean Blade." I admitted almost inaudible. I just didn't know how he could ever look up to me when he protected me.

"Why do you think I would do that? Your dependence from me has nothing to do with that. Such blows of fate can break down the hardest and toughest man!"

There was truth in his words and they increased my confidence to continue this discussion with him.

"You don't just say that just to make me feel better?"

"Have you ever known me lying to you? You can trust me Taylor that I'm honest."

A little relieved smile formed acrossed my lips. I had to admit that no matter how bad Blade's manners were, his clarity and directness was was like balm for my broken soul. And it gave me the courage to speak out what was bothering me. Coz if there was someone who deserved me to open up it was definitely Zac. I let out a deep sigh before I spoke again.

"I think what I really need to know is Blade, can you still see and accept me as your big brother even though, you... uhm you know... take care of me?" I asked with a feebly voice. My cheeks were reddening more just like the words which were getting more quiet every time I opened I mouth.

Never ever would I have thought that I would ever ask my little brother such a question.

Was it egoistical? Was it selfish? It was beyond question for me that Zachary's security was always the highest priority. But it was also one of the things of which we needed to attempt for a solution for now. Coz without knowing that, I would always feel unsure if there was a possibility at all if I could ever make up to him. For the past. That's why this question was so important for me.

It was one of those questions whose answer would make things better or worse for me. It would always remain a problem if I wouldn't find a way to get over it. I realized it was his affirmation which I needed to break out of the cycle that I had built up around me.

There were still so many things to clarify between us. And we were just at the beginning.

"Of course I can." He assured me without hesitation.

During the last couple of days, I felt like I was drowning in an ocean. That all the things which I experienced slowly engulfed me. But there was someone who held me, someone who didn't want to let go off me.

My little brother Zachary.


	49. Chapter 49

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade:

Taylor and I were finally talking about some unspoken things which were standing between us. Slowly, I was getting to know him better step by step. I was really grateful that he finally opened up to me. It often felt to me as if he thought I wouldn't care about anything, but that wasn't true.

Since we treated each other as brothers again, it mattered for me what he thought of me just like it mattered for him what I thought about him.

I wanted to help Taylor to feel safe and comfortable around me and not feeling ashamed anymore and I hoped that with the affirmations I gave him, our relationship would get better.

I didn't expect that Taylor would think he was a Loser just because I protected him. He had achieved so much more than I had in this life. When I thought back of the beginning of his music carreer as a teenager and compared it with nowadays, I could tell that his fame had increased rapidly. He had become to the center of attention from thousands, probably even millions fans worldwide. I always knew that he was born to be on stage and to stand in the spotlight. So it was for me kind of ironic when he said that to me.

I didn't know if he'd change his mind about who the Loser in our family was if he'd know more about me than he did so far.

So far, I could say that I was glad that he didn't change that much and I really appreciated that he finally began to talk with me about the way he felt and I hoped it would do him good. 

"Taylor, I want you to let me know asap if you don't feel well okay? I'm worried about your condition, I don't want that you'll have to get in a hospital."

I said as the highway back to the downtown district led us into a traffic jam. Now of all times, we had to get in the rush hour traffic and I cursed internally.

"I'm fine Blade. I don't need to get in a hospital." He assured me, but the forced smile on his face told another story.

"Promise me that you immediately tell me if you feel that your condition is getting worse, alright?"

He only gave me a short nod as an answer and then quickly changed the subject. 

"I don't want to give you the impression that I don't care about your security, Blade. Please know that it is always much more important for me than how I feel around you."

He said, then turned around to Bandito and began to stroke his head affectionate coz he had begun to make some choking noises. I knew that it wouldn't take long anymore until his stomach gave in. He wasn't used to that many car drives on one day.

I felt tensed that the fucking rush-hour traffic didn't let us move forward, Though, I was really glad that Taylor and I had found a connection on which we could work on, I didn't want to prolong the situation longer than necessary for Taylor and Bandito.

"I know that Taylor. I know that you didn't lie to me coz you went out and risked your life to help me even though it was extremely dangerous in your condition. You shouldn't think that I don't appreciate it that you wanted to come to help me, coz I do, but I hope that you won't do it again and let me do my job alone from now on. Will you promise me to not meddle into my work anymore Taylor? 'Cause I try to protect you and therefore I really have to rely on you."

I glanced over to him and reached out to pat Bandito's back to reassure him like Taylor.

"I know. I trust you Blade. I know now that I can trust you. And I didn't mean it when I said that you can nothing else than being brutal."

"I know that you didn't mean it." I responded. I knew that he was just trying to make me mad that I'd leave him alone in his thoughts. Taylor has always been a great mediator and tried to smooth down differences instead of carry on a controversy. It was nice to notice he had not lost that typical Taylor trait.

Furthermore was talking about my life not an option. He didn't need to know that I just breathed through my life as if it were a battlefield. That I wasn't living. That I was just surviving... But I deserved all of this. Yeah, I deserved to be hurt.

I didn't know if Taylor was aware of it, but it meant much for me when he said that he would trust me now. It was a big and positive step for our relationship, for our cooperation and for us as brothers.

Though, I internally knew that I would need more time to trust him than he did, coz my view on life isn't optimistic like that. I can forgive people, but that doesn't mean that I trust them.

The remained time of this car ride was too short to spend it again at war with myself and Taylor and I still had things between us to clarify so I continued listening to him to everything what he had to tell me.

"Still, sometimes you talk with me as if I'm your little brother..." he uttered and bit on his lower lip after saying that. Taylor shifted uncomfortable in his seat.

Honestly, I couldn't tell how much longer this subject which gave Taylor so many headaches because of me protecting him would accompany us. I guess I could consider myself a lucky ass in this case that I've always been a too lazy to occupy myself with things like that. For Taylor though I could only try my best to make things easier for him and I also planned to ask the old geezer for an advice.

Yeah, I had to admit that it wasn't the first time that I felt that our roles were twisted somehow. For me it wasn't a problem though. I didn't remember when I became the older one, but even when we were younger, I sometimes felt that I had to protect him. Was this one of the reasons why I didn't need to get used to my role as Taylor's bodyguard? I really never thought it would turn into such a serious problem between us some day. But it turned out that I couldn't expect Taylor to deal with it that easily, just because I could. It turned out that it was hard for him to deal with akward situations because unlike me for Taylor was it important how his appearance was. 

For sure, I placed value on him appreciating my actions, but whether time nor the current situation allowed that I busied my mind with bullshit like that. It's up to him to decide whether or not it's worth it.

"I don't intend that Taylor. I just try to assure you that it's possible that a little brother can protect his older brother."

"Yeah, I know. I've just experienced that. I know now that you're able to protect me Blade. But can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Is there anything you feel ashamed of?"

Uh-huh! "More than enough." None of us are free of guilt. I did plenty I was ashamed of.

If you only knew Taylor, if you only knew....

"What for example?" He inquired curiously.

I swallowed lightly before I turned my head in his direction again.

"The way I treated you."

"Well, I know that you had your reasons for it..." He answered quietly, there was some sadness in his tone though.

He still didn't give me an explanation why he left me back then, but he already apologized for it. It was about time to apologize to him as well. There’s no reason why Taylor should continue to suffer for my thoughtless capriciousness.

"Taylor, I know that my behaviour towards you is inexcusable. And I'm really sorr..."

"Don't do that! Please don't apologize Blade! There is nothing to excuse!"

He exclaimed upset and quickly put a finger over my mouth before I could finish the sentence. 

"I know that I have talked with you earlier but I'm not ready for it. I just can't open up my fear and sorrow to you. I feel like it wouldn't be right coz I wasn't there for you the last nine years and I can never make up for that."

"Taylor, I understand if you can't talk about it right now. I'm willing to wait for you until you're ready for it. There's nothing bad or wrong about having fear! And you should know that I would never judge you for your feelings, not as your bodyguard and not as your brother."

He looked relieved and gave me a little, grateful smile after that.

"I appreciate your consideration Blade. I want to tell you the truth, but I'm still... afraid."

"Of what?"

To be honest, it was a strange decision for me to make myself waiting even longer than I already did.  
Especially for someone that impatient like I was.

I was dying to know why Taylor did make such a secret of it. I fought a lot with myself, but I didn't want Taylor having a mental breakdown if this subject was too hard for him in his current state. I didn't want him to talk about it with me until he felt better and regained strength. Until then, I had to force my impatient inner self to wait. The only thing which made me afraid was, I knew that I couldn't fight forever...

"Of your reaction, I already experienced your outbursts of anger and you scared the hell out of me."

Feelings of guilt built up in me again as I heard that. I had crossed a line which I never should have. No matter how much I was hurt that Taylor left me.

Doubtlessly, the bastard of the year award belongs to me...

"I never wanted you to be afraid of me Taylor. I won't vent out my spleen on you anymore, so never be afraid of me okay?"

"Promise?"

"Promise." I assured him. 

It was weird to give a promise for something I had no idea of. But inwardly I already made the decision that I would never scare him anymore since he admitted it to me for the first time. I didn't know how I would grasp Taylor's secret, but no matter what it was, I would have to find my own way to deal and handle it. Because honestly, I didn't even know how much it still mattered, since I knew that Taylor really cared for me. And he already had forgiven my inexcusable behaviour towards him.

Which was one more reason to put my own feelings on the sidelines...

I didn't want Taylor to feel that he couldn't open up to me because of having talked with me yet. He and his condition was all to care about currently.

"Blade, I uhm... I honestly don't know how to deal with everything what's ahead of me. I don't even know where to begin..."

He admitted quietly, his eyes focussed on his hand which still gently stroke Bandito's fur.

"I'm here for you Taylor and if you need me, I'll help you. You are not alone Taylor." I looked over to him as I answered with assurance.

We silenced for a while and after a minute or so, his blond eyelashes flickered up to me.

"Why do you this for me?"

"Because I want to protect you Taylor. Not only because of the favor which I owe my friend and because Bandito got harmed, but you're my brother, so it's now a matter of course."

"What about what I want? Do you think I can ever get lucky when I'm always worried about you? Blade, I just don't want to see you die, I don't want to see you get hurt, I don't want that any harm will happen to you. I can't let you do that for me and accept that silently and calmly! You can't expect me to just let you do this for me." He protested and sounded very concerned.

Taylor's mood swings concerned me. I felt at that moment that he still couldn't accept me as his bodyguard. Even if he would feel comfortable around me, he didn't agree to let me do this job for him. No matter what I would say, or how many times I would save him. The extent of my skills or money never mattered between us. It was his fear and concern that something serious could happen to me.

But Taylor didn't know me good enough to know that I was something he couldn't fix. Whatever I'd do, I had lost this war already. And until it was over I would protect Taylor, no matter if he'd ever feel proud of me for doing that or not.

There's hope, but not for me...

"Well, I think at this time in our lives, it's not about getting lucky, it's about how to survive. Besides, you know that I'm old enough enough to decide about my life. It is my own decision to give you my life if I have to. Even if it's the last thing that I'll do, I know that that it can't be wrong to protect you Taylor."

"How can you be so sure about that?"

"Because I know now that you care. How can you expect me to let you alone in this dangerous situation? There's a sick bastard somewhere out there and I would never allow that he will do any harm to you! I have to look out for you. Not only because it's my job, it's also my brotherly duty! Besides that, you should know that as your brother, I would never let you alone in such a situation no matter if I have the skills to protect you or not."

"But what if that culprit is stronger than you?"

"I'll take that risk Taylor."

"That is crazy! It's seriously dangerous!" Taylor's lower lip was trembling with nervousness, he bit on it to stop it.

"Maybe I am. But I'm fully aware of what I do. And even if this is the last thing I will do in my life, nothing will change my mind to protect you with my life."

"What you give me is more than I deserve Blade. I wasn't the brother for you which I should have been..."

I couldn't say if he was right on that part, but I wasn't a man of half things. For me it has always been all or nothing, my way of life never gave me a chance to allow anything in between. 

"In the last days I wasn't either Taylor! But I will not let you go this time. You bet your ass!"

He sighed at that.

"Aren't you scared to get hurt?"

"I have learned to control my feeling during the time I served in the Army. It's my job not to be scared. If you ask me though if there's anything I'm afraid of, of course there's something and I'm not ashamed at all to admit that. Everybody's afraid of something."

Do animals have less fear because they live without words? 

"Yeah, that's how we know we care about things." Taylor agreed with a nod.

"Yeah."

"What are you afraif of?" And here comes the drama. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"That I'll lose you again."

As I looked over to him into his blue eyes, I saw that they became wet at my words. He immediately turned away from me. After a minute of silence, he finally spoke quietly again, it was more a whisper but I didn't care, as long as we were honest to each other.

"Aren't you scared of dying?"

It was the first time Taylor asked me about my view of life and I wasn't sure what to answer him. I was nothing special and the last thing I wanted was that he thought of me as a arrogant boaster or whatever the fuck after not knowing what he thought of me already by now. I ain't no better than him.

The truth was, I had fallen apart and lost my old self somewhere in the darkness. The emptiness had hit me like a black hole and sucked the life and hope out of me. During my time as a soldier, I have done a lotta killing which wasn't that easy to put behind. There were so many horrific scenarios playing in my head.

War is like a big machine that no one really knows how to run and when it gets out of control it ends up destroying the things you thought you were fighting for, and a lot of other things you kinda forgot you had.

I was still thinking about those Army memories while I contemplated if it would be right to tell him the truth as I got distracted by a song which played on the car radio at that moment. 

And I've got nothing to say  
I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face  
(I was confused)  
Looking everywhere only to find  
That it's not the way I have imagined it all in my mind  
(So what am I)  
What do I have but negativity?  
'Cause I can't justify the way, everyone is looking at me  
(Nothing to lose)  
Nothing to gain, hollow and alone  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own...

I will never know myself until I do this on my own  
And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed  
I will never be anything till I break away from me  
I will break away.  
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me...

Apparently, fate didn't fuck me enough yet. Linkin Park, which was one of my favorite bands seemed to chase me these days. Some of their lyrics sounded bitter, but they were direct and honest just like the way I have always been.

Sometimes, a song can exactly say what's going on in my life.

Taylor had no clue how much I hated myself since I almost killed that one man who had been my only family for the last nine years. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Through my fault, he lost one of his legs and was now condemned to walk on crutches for the rest of his life. So I owed to do for him whatever I could.

I knew that I was an exception that I, a pimp also worked as a male prostitute and slept with costumers even though I wouldn't have or need to do. It was not a pretended act of justice towards my hired sluts. No, I wouldn't consider myself a person like that.

My reasons were deeper than that, my body and soul equally just weren't worth anything for me since Santiago's accident. Since I dispirited my best friend, I became the urge to give myself punishment. Having sex with perverted costumers was just peanuts compared to what I had done to him. I still remember my first experience with a stranger almost a year ago in the minutest detail. It was so disgusting. Though it never felt so disgusting than I was. Surrounded by my own, I felt that I was exactly at the place where I belonged to. I had become so numb that I didn't even need time to get used to the hustler scene. It was like a dumb habit, a pastime with the criminal and perverted scum of the society. Market demand was always there and never decreased, like the horniness of my johns...

I'm not really sure how wallowing in a nest of human scum would help to make anything better, but it made sense to my demented mind in some small demented way. I didn't have any reason to treat myself better than that. I was one of those lonely, loveless drifters who had no defense against a world that could take my money, my heart and my life...

Even though, I used to hate Taylor for leaving me back then, I could have never hated him as much as I hated myself since Santiago's accident happened.

Maybe, that's why I could forgive Taylor easier than myself...

I wouldn't have taken this security job if I wasn't educated to do it. I had given a promise and I would never break it. I had no idea if someone like me would ever find peace in this life or in the next. I could only hope for it. Yeah, I really did. 

Since my stage of life in the Army was over, I lived as an underdog and hoped that the dreamers in this world were right about that somewhere out there the world must have an end. Well, Taylor may not know this, but there's things that gnaw at a man worse than dying. 

"Blade?" Taylor asked quietly, he was waiting for my answer.

So whatever Taylor would think of me, I just couldn't bring myself to lie to him as I opened my mouth to answer him the question of which he wanted to know an honest answer from me.

"No, not anymore."

[](http://www.directupload.net)


	50. Chapter 50

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

Things had gotten much more relaxed since Zac and me started talking. Not only talking, for me it was healing. He let me know that he didn't want me to talk about Mam and Dad until I was feeling better and I couldn't be more grateful for his consideration. I highly appreciated that he even wanted to apologize to me, even though I didn't talk with him yet

As I finally became acquainted to his semi-normal side, I noticed that we seemed to be in a similar state of things somehow. There was more about him to know and I hoped to find it out in the course of time. The thing that worried me the most about my brother was his indifference about himself.

When he told me he wasn't afraid to die, he sounded vacuous, but deep down I sensed that it was sadness. Our conversation and the whole situation had made me sad too. I wasn't strong enough to hold back the emotions which sneaked out of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks after his last words.

We had spent the last ten minutes in a traffic jam without moving forward, so I used the opportunity to ask him something

"Blade, would you do me favor?" I said so softly, I nearly couldn't actually hear the words

"What?"

"Would you hold my hand? Just for a sec?"

I reached out my hand to him as if I would want to seal an agreement that way, but the truth was that I just wanted to feel his hand one more time, to get a little bit affection of which I longed for so much these days. Likewise, I wanted to make him feel that I was there for him like he was for me.

"No," he shook his head. "I will hold you in my arms."

Instead of taking my hand, he leaned over to me and gave me a hug.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Our first hug after nine long years since I said goodbye to him when he drove to the summer camp in Montana.

Was it possible to express how much that hug meant?

Not even close. I pulled him closer to me in an instant. Our hug was more important for me than any other treasure in the whole world.

I had my brother back. My family. And he actually cared for me.

We cared about each other.

"Let me be there for you Taylor, okay?" He spoke muffled into the cotton of my jacket.

I couldn't answer him to that coz I knew that deep down the voice of reason in my head couldn't agree. I could never agree. I loved my brother too much to sign his death warrant. I would have to find a way to get rid off him, no matter how much it would break my broken heart again. The thought of losing him again made me want to stay in his arms forever

I buried my face in his right shoulder and started crying, my shoulders shaking in weakness. He held me tight as I sobbed in his arms.

"Zac..." Inaudibly I mouthed his name into his shoulder that he couldn't hear it. I felt ashamed that I couldn't hold back my tears again. But tears didn't hurt so bad like that strange pain in my chest. My little brother was ready to die for me, he was full of resolution to do it, if necessary and I didn't know how to deal with it...

"Sorry, I know I shouldn't cry in front of you..." I apologized whimpering. I must appear like a total softy compared to him but I just couldn't hold back all these emotions inside me. He was the only one who was there for me and I just wanted to feel our hug in this very moment. The tears were running down my face because I did not want to lose my brother. He pulled his head back a bit, to look at me with his face directly in front of mine.

"Don't feel ashamed of your tears Tay!" He commanded, leaned his forehead against mine for a moment. He then took his sleeve and wiped the droplets gently away with it from my cheeks. This little brotherly gesture almost made me wanna cry even more. Fortunately, I managed to brace myself, took a deep breath and gave him a thankful nod instead.

"You called me Tay!" I noticed suprised as he let go off me.

"Sure, did you think I forgot your nickname?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I guess I'm just not used to hear it anymore from you. Or that you would think I only had this nickname in my teenager years."

"You don't like to hear it anymore?"

"No, I like it! I really do. By the way, I'm missing it to call you Zac. It's fine with me to call you Blade around other people, but I'd like to call you Zac again... at least... between the two of us."

Since I had my brother back, it was an internal wish from me. Actually, I didn't plan to broach that subject until we talked about Mam and Dad, but I didn't know if he'd still want to consider me as his brother after that. And how much longer I would be with him together. I felt that I didn't want this special period of time in which we were together, not only spent as Blade and Taylor.

I had begun to long for Zac.

"Maybe it's better not to take the risk, that you'll get used to it again."

"I swear that I'll be very careful. You know that I'm the last person who wants the public to get to know about that." I assured, conspiratorially holding up my pinkie to seal the deal. He definitely didn't need to remind me of that.

"Yeah I know. I'm just not used to it anymore. That teenager boy died in me one day back then."

His cold words built a knot in my stomach. I felt so sorry to hear that. There was something deep inside my brother that I wanted to dig up...

"I miss the old happy you." I mentioned quietly and threw him an unobtrusive look as I waited for his answer, but he was blankly focussing the traffic outside again.

"I don't remember him."

[](http://www.directupload.net)

All of a sudden had his voice that vacuous, monotone tone again which I didn't like.

Oh Zac... "What happened to Peter Pan?" I asked quietly. It was weird and confusing to see my brother in a thoughtful mood and I didn't know what to think of him when he was like that. But I wanted him to know that I was interested in his life, just like he was there for me.

"He died when Cinderella went away."

Even though he teased me for my girlyness again, I didn't felt annoyed or offended anymore since he told me that he didn't mind my girly features. Maybe also because I have always been a more patient and empathetic guy than Zachary was. I knew that I always had girly things in my attitude, appearance and fashion sense.

"Maybe he is not lost completely. If you give him a chance to find back to yourself..." I said softly.

"I don't know Taylor. Those memories are somewhere, far, far away by now."

"I just don't want to give up on him. Can you understand that?"

"I guess. I just doubt that it's a good thing."

"But I want you to give him a chance to come back in the course of time."

"I know. But I'm not that person anymore. Why are you so obsessed about it?"

"I just don't want to believe that he doesn't exist anymore."

The truth was I wanted him to be happy again. Since I met my brother, I never saw him smiling. He was clowning around a little with his sports magazine in the barber shop, but he wasn't smiling. And he still seemed to be someone who would never put on a smile if it wasn't real. Whether it was for manners or something else.

I wished I could take his sadness away...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Because I wanted to see him smiling again. At least for once. I didn't know if I would ever get lucky again, but sometimes the most broken people try to fix others because they don't know how to fix themself...

"You are still a dreamer and an eternal optimist Taylor."

"Are these bad features?" I asked, slightly perplexed.

"No. Not at all."

I closed my tired eyes for a few minutes. It felt so good to be not lonely anymore. If only, I could stop the time to keep these precious moments with him...  
"It's a pity..." I sighed quietly, as I thought of Isabelle's flowers which were gone now. In the thick of the fray, someone must have teared them away from me, or maybe I lost them while I was getting pushed. I didn't remember anymore what exactly happened.

"What do you mean?"

"The pretty flowers from the little girl... they're gone."

"Sorry about that Mr. Valentine. But the main thing is you're safe."

After he said that I turned sideways and laid my hand over his right hand which laid on the joystick between us.

"Thank you Blade. I'm really grateful that you saved me out of that crowd. I shouldn't have forgotten to thank you for that."

I leaned the side of my head deeper into the headrest to study his changed profile for a while.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Somehow, he looked even more grown up since I got the chance to get to know my brother a little bit more. It wasn't enough that he had a better built than me, Skye was right; he was also terribly handsome. I looked up to the man who was my younger brother. His face was without a blemish, and his facial hair gave him a manly and mature look. He always repeatedly checked the side view mirror if anyone followed us and never lost his concentration.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

His eyes were still impentrable in a way. They were older and more distant than I had ever known them. He must have locked away his feelings somewhere deep inside of him, it needed a lot of empathy to reach them. His eyes weren't the same anymore from the teenager boy I once knew. That teenager boy...

"Zac..." He suddenly piped up as if he actually could have read my thoughts. His voice was low and raspy and sounded as if he didn't speak for a long time. Even though he didn't spoke much, he always dominated a conversation.

"What?"

"I want you to call me Zac again."

"Are you serious?" I frowned at him.

"This time I am." He actually agreed. The tires were screeching as he immediately gathered speed when we could finally continue driving. I didn't know if it were my efforts for his old self which made him to agree, but it gave me hope that there was a chance for Zac's old happiness. If the remained time we had together was long enough until the cruel reality would catch up on us again...

"Zachary..." I said out loud for the first time...

"Yeah?"

"Nothing. It just feels good to say it. To actually hear your real name again and not only in my thoughts."

"You amaze me sometimes, do you know that?" A little smile played around the corners of his mouth that disappeared almost as fast as it appeared.

"Do I?"

"Yes. Always have and still do."

"And you're never never afraid to speak out what you think. I admire you for that."

"I thought you would have changed Taylor, but you didn't change much. And I like that."

"Thanks Zac. But still, our roles are twisted..."

"Yeah, I know."

"And you don't mind that?"

"No I don't. I feel that it's my assignment to take care of you."

I still had to think and contemplate about that fact.

"Zachary Walker Hanson, my protective little brother..." I uttered the words absently and let my eyes dreamily drift down the street outside. The entire situation still felt confusing to me. Who would have thought a week ago that I’d be in the position I am in now?

"Yeah." Zac agreed without hesitation. He sounded so natural about it that it made me wish I could also deal with our twisted roles that easy like he could. To me on the other hand it felt like I became more shy and insecure in my position while he became more confident than he already was as time was passing by.

He steered his Lamborghini into a parking lot. Because of the conversation we had, I didn't even notice that we were already there. I immediately felt my heart beating faster, because internally I knew that I wouldn't make it alone outside the car.

"Zac..." I took a deep breath. "I have to confess you something."

Gosh, how do I say this?

"What?"

"I...I don't think I'm strong enough to walk anymore."

"I'll carry you into the bar."

"But it is so embarrassing..." I felt my cheeks heaten up only at the thought of it.

"You can change that by yourself if you're going to eat something Taylor."

"I want to, but I don't think I can."

"Would you try it for me? Try it for me Taylor, ok?"

How could I say no to that?

"I will try it. Oh gosh... please excuse me that I'm so weak..." I apologized, full of shame and tilted my head down between my arms as if this could help to hide my ashamed expression.

"You don't need to apologize because of that Taylor. There's nothing to be embarrassed about." Zachary laid a hand on my shoulder. I detected the protective tone in his voice and it gave me the confidence to face him again.  


"Honest...?" I whispered shyly looking up to him. I sat there with my head hanging down in the passenger seat like a timid fawn that was afraid to come out of his den.

He nodded. "I assure you I protect you Taylor and you don't need to be ashamed of that."

I took a deep shivering breath before I answered him. "I will try to get used to it Zac. I know now that you don't laugh about me."

"I never would."

Once he had checked there were no cars coming, he undid his seatbelt and popped the driver's side door open. He got out of the car and walked to the other side to help me out of it. He was right that I wouldn't get better if I'd continue refusing to eat something.

We were back in the Red Light district like last night and it was only a small distance from his car to the bar. Internally, I wished I'd still have the strength to walk, but I knew my weak body didn't. It was better to be honest with him before my legs would give in on the pavement within the passing passersby in public. Like a clumsy child I fumbled with my seatbelt before finally getting it unlocked. I would never have a knack for this stupid technical stuff

As Zac opened the car door on my side I looked up to him a little nervous. I still felt a little insecure and let out a quiet embarrassed whimper as he laid his arms around me to lift me up, hoping he wouldn't hear it. I didn't want to get out of the car but I knew that I was too weak to walk on my own.

I needed my little brother's help

"You... uhm... really don't mind carrying me?" I asked bashfully, frowning at him. I should better not let anyone know about this aside from those who already knew about it. If anyone else would find about that, I would have to somehow change my name and whole identity while moving to Bumblefuck or something.

Oh Taylor... what are you thinking? I suddenly felt very guilty because of my own thoughts. Internally, I knew it was a diva-ish behavior to think this way. Why couldn't I get over my shame? He just saved my life for heaven's sake! And I was acting like a god damn princess...

Would my fans laugh about me if they knew I was getting carried by my little brother? Why the hell was that such a sensitive subject to me at all?

The endless voices in my head couldn't stop nagging at me. Meanwhile I felt so weak and fragile that I didn't even know anymore what was going on with me to be honest. I watched him as he encircled me, wondering was he was thinking of me but I wasn't able to read his thoughts.

"No, I don't. But I won't allow that you give up on yourself." Zac acted resolutely and lifted me up before I could say or think more.

"Ow!" I complained angrily as my forehead suddenly bumped against the car roof. "Damn Blade, please be gentle!"

"I am being gentle."

"That's what I just experienced." I snorted, rubbing my forehead. Why the hell was he so aggressive in everything he did?

However, there was another important last thing which I needed to know before we would enter the bar, so I couldn't care about my head right now.

"Your friend Santiago, does he know about us?"

"Yes he is the one who brought us in contact."

"Is he trustworthy? I mean, he won't tell anyone about it?" A sudden ray of fear and worry was rising up in me.

"No he won't. I can assure you that."

"How do you know that?"

"Coz he's my best friend, he's like a father to me since the last nine years. What I tell him, won't get spread around. You can talk freely in his company coz he's my family too."

"It's nice that you have someone like that. I guess I owe to thank him in that case."

"For what?"

"That he was there for you when I wasn't."

He gave Bandito a command to wait for him inside the car until he would have brought me inside, then closed the car door with a kick of his shoe just like he did in his hotel room last night and carried me towards the entrance door of the bar. I did not know if he wanted it, but I couldn't help to notice that he reinforced his grasp around me after my last sentence. As if he didn't want to let go off me. He didn't respond something, but I felt that he needed me. He needed me like I needed him.

"You... take care of me...?" I whispered, shyly watching him from my horizontal view doing his task. I felt so childlike in my helplessness...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I didn't even know when my younger brother became such a strong man...

"Of course I do." He answered quite natural. Even though it was still confusing for me, I could feel at that moment how much he was protective of me when he carried me towards the bar. Although, it was always one of my biggest wishes to be with Zachary together again aside from a improvement of Natalie's and my broken marriage, it would have been a such a unbelieveable, strange imagination for me that Zachary would ever become by bodyguard...

But now I felt and experienced his protection. Apparently, it was not always the case that older siblings were the protective ones. Zac and me were the living examples. And in a way it felt like things hadn't changed that much, 'cause I knew that Zachary had always been a protector. Not only because it was a part of his work, he clearly had so much more protective instinct in him than I had.

My little brother was so protective of me...

"Like a big brother..." I muttered thought-provoking.

"Like family."

As I heard that, I realized for the first time that I didn't feel ashamed around him anymore. Sure, I wanted to keep it a secret to the public and I was really glad and thankful that he was fine with it.

To know that he never judged me for my weakness was a relieving thought and I also knew that Zac wasn't someone who boosted his ego on doing that job, which were two important things for me to know.

The better our relationship became, the more it felt stupid for me that I felt that way. It was still a little confusing and made me a little self-conscious to think of it, but I had finally began to feel comfortable around him. I knew that if I always feel awkward around him, everything would be awkward. And I didn't want to waste our limited, common time with complaining about my shame anymore.

As long as we're together, I wanted to get used to it.

"You know what? We are not normal." I joked, even though I didn't know how much truth there was in it.

"Good, I hope so." He replied dryly as if it was the most natural thing in the world to carry his older brother around.

"Now it's about time for my daily arsekick," he commented as he pushed the door open with his back.

"What does that mean?" I yawned. Very hesitantly and carefully, I allowed myself to lean my head against my brother's chest.

"You're gonna see soon..."

Until now, I had constantly ignored how tired I was. I skipped the point at which I knew how much longer I could keep my limp body upright a long while ago. I was too tired to think about what the passerby were thinking about me and him. I wanted to know so much more about Zac's life and to get to know the man who had been his family for the last nine years, but I suddenly felt again how powerless my limbs were and my eyelids felt like a lead weight in this lying position. 

I didn't take notice anymore how he carried me into the bar. I had found peace. I was fallen asleep in my brother's arms...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
video inspiration for this Chapter:

Zaylor - Someone's watching over me by Hilary Duff ♡


	51. Bandito

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taylor dream Chapter. It's an alternative story what might have happened if Taylor decided differently.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

"We are here Taylor, over there is Santiago's saloon."

Zachary pointed to a window pane above which a sign was with the inscription 'Santiago's bar' about twenty meters away from us.

I nodded. "Yes, I can see it. But there's a problem."

"What?"

"Uhm... I believe I'm too weak to walk." I didn't want to remind myself and him that I had the strength of a puny ten year old school girl in my current state but I knew that I had no choice other than to rely on his help if I didn't want to get in a hospital. 

"I'll carry you then."

"Zac, I don't want to get carried. That's awkward. I'll feel embarrassed. Is there no other possibility?"

He considered for a moment. "Santiago has a wheelchair. He walks on crutches but I know he owns one. If you want, I can go and ask him for it."

"Yes please. I would appreciate that." I quickly agreed.

"It will take a while though. As far as I know, he has it in his storeroom somewhere."

"That would be great. By the way, is Bandito okay? He did choke from time to time." I looked over to Bandito who sat panting on the backseat.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"He does not feel well because of the car drive." Zachary stroked his head caressingly.

"Poor Bandito. I feel sorry for him."

"I hope that you both feel better soon. During my absence, don't talk to anyone Taylor; this area is not safe for someone like you."

"Zachary..." I felt the blood rush to my cheeks in an instant. Even though I knew he didn't intend it, it was still strange to me that my little brother told me not to talk with strangers. Would it ever not feel awkward?

"What?"

"Don't embarrass me! I can decide for myself to whom I speak."

"I don't want to embarrass you Taylor. Crime happens faster than you think in this area, which is the only reason I said it."

"You are overprotective."

"I am your bodyguard. I just do what anyone would do in my position. That's my job."

"I'll be fine as long as Bandito is here. Can you leave him here with me in the meantime?"

"Of course. I'll go in the bar and get the wheelchair for you. See you in a bit!" He said before he got out of the car.

"Okay Zac..." I said, hating the way my voice shook. The thought of being alone was still scary for me. But I had to make a decision and in my dream I chose the wheelchair alternative.

Silently I watched Zachary walking through the passing passersby towards the bar. The district here was full of hobos and prostitutes. With his inconspicious worn out clothes Zachary didn't even attract attention. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It was like he was one of them, no one paid attention to him. Most people wore similar looking ragged and worn out clothes like he did. He never cared about styling and fashion like I did. Probably that was a reason why Skye got mugged a few days ago in this district. He must have sticked out like a sore thumb between those people. 

Just like me with my new expensive suit...

I wasn't even a full minute alone before I heard a knocking against the car window next to me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I winced because I hadn't seen anyone approaching. Since I had seen my stalker in person on that video, I was scared of my own shadow in all honesty. I sighed relieved when I saw that it was a young woman. She must have seen me through the windshield because I didn't climb onto the back seat to hide this time. Maybe she just wanted an autograph?

I cranked the window down and greeted her as friendly as possible, like I could manage it in my weak condition.

"Hi, can I help you?"

"Hey Sweetie, I don't know. Can you? Hey, have I seen you before? You look kind of familiar." She smiled some and threw her long dark brown locks flirtatiously aside.

"That is possible," I replied, ruffling Bandito's fur who had laid his head warily on my shoulder. Apparently she had seen me before, but couldn't come up with where or when she had. I could hear a slur in her tone and as she bent down to the window and laid her red manicured fingernails onto the passenger door I smelled the alcohol on her breath.

"Well, I was wondering if you might be interested in having a little fun with me. I could come inside if you want me to..."

"No, thanks. I'm not interested," I responded politely, but firmly. I patted Bandito's head as I heard him quietly growling.

"Hey, why not? Am I not good enough, or what? Come on baby, you'll get a special price." She reached her hand out to me, probably to stroke my neckline, when Bandito began to bark and snapped to her threatening.

"Warf! Warf! Warf!" And then it happened. He bit the girl on her hand.

"Ow! Hey! Restrain your dangerous dog! What is wrong with you? Have you lost your marbles?"

"Oh no, I'm sorry. That was not his intention. He just wanted to protect me." The situation was terribly unpleasant for me. I pulled Bandito's collar a bit back and commanded him to calm down.

"Bandito! Drop it!" I could see that she had a bleeding scratch at her hand, it was not a big wound but my apology didn't soothe her.

"What if your dangerous dog has rabies, huh? Who will pay for the doctor's fees? It's not my fault you can't control your dog!"

"Hey there Delilah, what's going on? Are you in trouble?" Suddenly a strange guy appeared with dark shaggy hair and laid his arm around the young woman.

"This guy giving you trouble?"

"Ronny, the dog of that guy has bitten me," she nagged angrily and pointed her finger towards Bandito with her sound hand.

"I'm sure that we can settle the matter decently." I quickly interjected. I wanted to soothe the animosities before even more people recognized me.

"Who is that guy? Do you know him?"

"Yes, no. I don't know. I'm sure I've seen him before. I can't remember. Here, look at my hand." She held her hand up to him. He gave it a short once over, then turned to me.

"Hey boy, my girlfriend says your dog bit her. I don't allow anyone to get my girl in hot water, got it? You going to get out on your own or do I have to get you out?"

Shit. Now, I really was in trouble. I felt my knees shaking, it seemed the lack of food burden my strained nerves all the more and even the smallest commotion made me upset and gave me stomachaches. I couldn't say if it was naive, optimistic, or maybe both but I still believe in the good in man. That's why I hoped to find a peaceful solution this time too. I didn't know if and how long my weak legs would carry me and if it was right to climb out of the car.

Maybe, I should call Zac and have him come outside and solve this problem. But despite my weak condition, I wanted to solve the matter without my little brother's help. If I could not do anything on my own without Zachary's help what would be left of me and my own personality?

So I took all my heart and opened the car door. Actually, I wanted to hold back Bandito but he was quicker, jumped out and interposed between him and me protectively. I had to smile inwardly; he really was a kind and loyal dog.

"Bandito, stay here!" I tried to give my voice a steady and firm tone, but I internally felt so empty and powerless that I didn't even know where to take the energy from for another serious contention. I regretted that I didn't try to eat something at least; maybe I would feel better now.

I needed two attempts to get out of the car. I thought my legs would give in directly, so I leaned my back against the car for balance.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

My body already had deteriorated too much and I felt so damn weak. I knew that I wouldn't be able to walk. All I could do was to try to soothe the anger of those two strangers and to mediate.

Bandito growled threatening when the guy named Ronny rose up in front of me and I pulled him a bit back to me by his collar. Even though Bandito was the cause of the young woman's injury, I was glad to have him with me. To know that he stood in front of me and wouldn't allow something to happen to me gave me the feeling of safety.

"Like I said before, it was an accident." I began to explain. "I told your girlfriend politely that I'm not interested in having sex with her but she..."

I couldn't say more because the guy cut me off. He was at eye level with me but with a more broadly body frame.

"I don't care what was going on between the two of you. Her hand is hurt and that means she can't work anymore today. Who pays for the damage?" He spitted hatefully as he spoke and pointed with his finger at my chest. I heard Bandito growling louder and hoped that it would keep the guy at distance.

"Hey, aren't you Taylor Hanson? Yes of course. I didn't recognize you at first." The girl suddenly looked up to me in surprise.

"Yes I am Taylor Hanson. I'm sorry my bodyguard's dog hurt you."

"I don't believe a word of it. That guy is talking nothing but bullshit. What would a rich person like Taylor Hanson be doing in skid row?"

"Ronny, it is Taylor Hanson. I am certain of it."

"Shut your puss Delilah! Because of your dimwittedness, I have financial losses today. Do you think your johns want to get satisfied from a whore with a wounded hand?" As he became verbally abusive, I felt sympathy for the girl that let her pimp who only thought of the earnings exploit her.

"No need to become abusive, I'm willing to pay for the medical fees if your girlfriend does not have a health insurance. Miss, I'm hoping you accept my apology."

Actually, it wasn't a big injury but I didn't want to get into debt. Eventually, it wasn't the girl's fault that Bandito bit her and she wasn't to envy for her situation. She didn't look angry at me anymore; instead she linked her arm with her boyfriend and tried to pull him away from me a bit because Bandito was still growling.

"Ronny, I can continue work; the injury is not that bad. I'm going to put a bandage around my hand and nobody will complain..." She explained pleadingly.

He suddenly raised his hand and slapped her face. She recoiled, jumped with fright and held her cheek in pain. Bandito began to bark but nothing could calm down the guy. Somehow, my instinct told me it wouldn't come to a good ending...

"You better keep your nose clean! Didn't you learn anything I taught you, stupid whore?" He screamed at her furiously.

"Hey! Stop that!" I heckled. Ok, maybe I was crazy. Suicidal probably. But to hit a woman is pretty much the most lame and most pathetic thing a man can do. I couldn't stand on the sidelines watching needlessly, even though I didn't have the strength to intervene, was just barely standing on my own legs.

"You don't like how I handle my business? Better step off chinless wonder before I handle you!" He hissed belligerently at me, his dark eyebrows furrowed.

The brown haired girl looked surprised at me. "Ronny, please. You can't talk to Taylor Hanson like that. Didn't you hear that he had to cancel his tour because he has a stalker who killed his wife?"

"Not my problem he can't take care of his broad. I'm only interested in the payday. Because if there's not enough, someone has to pay for it! I don't give a fuck who that is."

He shook her pulling arm off, and then turned to me. I felt my trembling hand grabbing my cell phone in my pants pocket. I had to press only one button to call Natalie's, now Zac's phone. I was sure that Zac would come and kick that guy's ass. But I didn't want to be a coward. I've always been a spokesman for myself. It just so happens that there's a bunch of people that are concerned with what I have to say and weigh every word. I find that frightening at times because I'm just as confused as most people. I don't have the answers for everything.

Still, I wanted to solve the matter alone so I let my phone slowly slip back into my pocket.

"It doesn't matter who you are in this part of the town, the laws of the street are the laws we abide by."

"Don't you have any feeling of shame at all? You beat a hurt woman and want to continue exploiting her."

"Well, well, well. The rich boy is getting cheeky. So you think you are better than us, huh? Oh hoity-hoity, are we? Who do you think you are in those fancy clothes?" he spat in a mocking tone, looking disparagingly at my suit.

If I hated one thing, it was when people had prejudices. I might be rich, but I never considered myself to be above anyone else just because my income was higher than others. I would never speak down to anyone just because he is short on money. On the contrary, everyone who knows me, knows that I support agencies which fight against poverty and hunger.

"I don't consider myself better, but when a man beats a woman that is pathetic. YOU are pathetic!"

The way he looked at me after that didn't need words to express that I just got a new enemy. He looked at me like he was ready to kill me. Even though it was risky and dangerous to start an argument with someone like Ronny, I couldn't take back my statement, nor could I regret it. Our parents always raised us to stand up for things in which we believed and even though I had blood on my hands for the guilt of my parents I would never forget what they taught Zac and I. No matter what that violent, wicket blackguard was planning.

"All right, you womanizer. That was your choice." He gave Delilah a push to the side. She lost the balance on her red high heels and crashed to the ground. I realized in that moment that I talked too big. To get carried by Zac into Santiago's bar didn't seem to be a bad option anymore in this moment.

If only I could turn back time and decide differently...

My pulse was racing, I felt my body couldn't bear the commotion very well in my weak state. I was too weak to walk, I could barely stand on my legs and now I just insulted a violent pimp, who was probably also a drug addict the way he looked. I wished that Zachary would come back, but even if he did come out of the bar in this moment it would have been too late because the guy was already coming at me.

"Sick'em!" I shouted to Bandito, but it wasn't necessary. Once the guy came just a tiny bit closer to me, Bandito had already bitten into his leg.

"Aah! Fuck! You damn shithead!" The guy screamed in pain and he tried to shake off Bandito but he couldn't manage it. For a while, it even looked kind of funny how he was fighting with the dog. I extended my arm to Delilah and helped her onto her legs. Thanks to Ronny, she now had a wounded knee on top of that. I could imagine that it surely wasn't the first time she got treated this way by him.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, thank you Taylor. I'm alright." She stood next to me beside the car and covered her mouth with her hand. "Serves him right," she whispered and suppressed a laugh. I sensed that even though her pimp was fighting with Bandito, she still had too much respect for him to laugh out loud.

"Ow! Take your damned animal away! I'm going to kill you, you fucking son of a bitch!" He cursed furiously. I didn't know what to do. Actually, I hoped the guy would give in and abscond, but he was still flaming mad and continued threatening violence.

But I didn't have a chance to contemplate. None of the passerby's seemed to care about us. I remember I found it disturbing and unsettling that the situation for the people here seemed to be so totally mundane and unusual. I knew that nowadays red light districts are legal and nothing unusual, but when I look around and see how the daily routine of that kind of life is so normal for those people, I find it saddening. I can only imagine how hard the lives must be for those who didn't see another choice than to sell their bodies for money, drugs or to pay their pimps.

It could have been like a bad dream, a dream that never follows through because no one commits, but we just forced ourselves into it. Into a world in which things like these are completely normal.

Sometimes, I ask myself does it have to be like that? I wished I could do something, when I see those people, I wished I could help them. I always dreamed to do something, to make a change.

But I couldn't let my dreaminess distract me right now, because the danger wasn't over yet. Zachary hadn't promised too much because Bandito fought mercilessly. Then I suddenly saw that the guy grabbed into his pants pocket and pulled something shiny out of it. It was a knife.

"Oh my god," was all I could utter in the moment when I saw it. He actually planned to use it.

"Bandito! Stop it! Come here!" I shouted in panic. I couldn't allow this thug to hurt my brother's dog.

"Ronny LaMarca, stop it!" Delilah screeched and earned a few curses and more abuses from her pimp for revealing his full name. Even though it was extremely dangerous to meddle between that insane thug and Bandito, I couldn't forget that Bandito was an important part of Zachary's little world. Bandito was his family, so he was my family too.

Unfortunately, I was too weak to be fast enough. Once the guy whipped it from his pocket, the knife blade swished into Bandito's neck as swift as an arrow. I heard a heartbreaking yelp and saw blood spraying on the pavement.

"No!" I screamed, I gave the guy a push but I was so weak that it was pretty pointless.

Desperately, I flung my arms around Bandito's neck who yelped loudly, rivers of blood ran down on my hands and my pants. I sank on my knees when he collapsed in my arms.

"What have you done Ronny? You killed his dog." I heard Delilah fighting with Ronny but I couldn't listen to them anymore. It was as if they were talking through a tin can, even though they're standing around me, I almost couldn't hear their voices anymore. Even their bodies were suddenly blurry, but I knew it occurred because I had a mist in front of my eyes caused by my tears.

The passerby's that ignored us moments ago began to give us attention because of the blood that was on the pavement and the bleeding, helpless dog on my lap. Ronny seemed to become worried and afraid as people came, the knife fell from his hand and he ran away.

"I'm sorry about your dog Taylor. I didn't want that. Forgive me." Delilah laid her hand on my shoulder for a moment. "I will not forget what a gentleman you are Jordan Taylor Hanson." She said, and a moment later she disappeared as well.

Not a minute passed until I heard Zachary's voice when he ran towards me.

"Taylor! What happened?" He carried a wheelchair that was folded under one of his arms.

"Zac, I... Bandito is... There was a guy who attacked me and had stabbed Bandito in the neck."

"Where is he? Are you okay?" He threw the wheel chair aside before he kneeled opposite me.

"He scooted. He is gone. It couldn't be helped. I couldn't..." I was so upset; I couldn't formulate a sensible sentence anymore.

"Give him to me." I nodded and Zachary took him carefully out of my arms. "Are you hurt Taylor?" He asked worriedly and gave me a once over. I shook my head, because I couldn't answer.

His voice sounded pressed and agonized, Bandito whimpered quietly on his lap. Zac bent down to him and leaned his head against Bandito's head. It broke my heart to see it when I saw that Bandito recognized Zachary and licked his face.

"Good boy. I'm proud of you Bandito. I am so proud of you..." I knew that it was tearing Zachary's heart apart but he still tried to remain composed because of me. I believe that he knew that if he would collapse in front of me, there would be nothing anymore in which I could find strength and stability. It was unspoken but Zachary still acted like my big brother who wanted to protect me. I realized in that moment how hard his job must have been.

When Bandito whimpered for a last time, I saw Zachary closing his eyes and his tears were rolling from his face over Bandito's head.

"I'm so sorry Zac." I moved closer to him and laid my arms around my brother who held his dead dog in his arms. It was the first time that I saw my brother cry and I wasn't sure if he would push me away. But he didn't. Instead, he laid his arm around me as well and we held onto each other.

Bandito died on my brother's lap and my heart broke because I knew that his little world just got even smaller than it already was. Bandito was his best friend and he gave his life for me. But I couldn't let myself drown in guilt and think about my own sorrow, I was here and I wanted to comfort Zac and let him feel through my hug that he wasn't alone with his sorrow. I hoped that Zac could feel through my hug how much I felt sorry for Bandito's sacrifice. He didn't sob, didn't whimper, he just cried silently in my arms. For unknown reasons he still could keep up his composure. It wasn't forever but for that moment nothing and none could separate us. We held onto each other in silence as Bandito lay lifeless between us.

"Do you... do you blame me Zac?" I asked carefully after a long while.

He shook his head. "No I don't. Bandito has... he has made his job. He was my watchdog; it was his job to protect you like it's mine. I had to expect that something might happen anytime."

He explained in a very quiet tone, sadly looking down to his dead dog.

"I know Zac. He has. He protected me with his life. I am here Zac, I'am not going to leave you alone." I wanted to take his hand but he pulled it away from me after the last sentence.

"Do not give me promises you can't keep Taylor." He said in a sad but serious tone and stood up. I realized at that moment that Zac wouldn't open up his heart to me as long as I planned to get rid of him. Zachary has always been someone with strong convictions and never liked it when someone didn't stand by his own no matter how well meant the intentions were. 

He opened the rear car door and put Bandito carefully down on the back seat. I saw him covering a blanket over his body. Then he closed the car door and folded out the wheel chair to help me into it.

"What do you expect me to do?" I looked at him concerned.

"That you act like a brother. Nothing more and nothing less." 

He spoke those words very calm but I could feel his pain and it made me feel endlessly guilty. I didn't want to leave him again and I knew that Zachary wouldn't let me go voluntary. Knowing my little brother's unpredictable temper, he would probably handcuff me to him to not let me go. So what the future holds for us only God knows.

He wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his jacket and then helped me into the wheel chair. "I didn't intend to hurt you Zac. Right now I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. So I can comfort you Zac if you'll let me." I said insightfully.

He gave me a long glance after that and nodded hesitantly. I took his hand in mine and didn't let go of it as he began to shove me slowly towards the bar in the wheel chair.

Both had different opinions on staying together. I know that I just couldn't allow my little brother to put his life on the life for me and intervene between a sick stalker and me. But how could I leave him again? What if we would never see each other again? My body literally aches at the thought of never seeing him again. 

If only we could stay together forever...

God, what shall I do?


	52. Chapter 52

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade: 

When we finally arrived at the old man's bar, without any unneccesary fan carnage, I walked into the saloon and found Santiago sitting at a table in a corner. Good thing during lunchtime, there were no people inside, except Santiago and Manolo.

My stomach was grumbling for hours but I couldn't be relieved until Taylor would finally eat something.

As Santiago caught sight of me and Taylor lying in my arms, the expression on his face darkened immediately.

"What the fuck, Blade? What are you doing?" He snarled at me like a bulldog.

"Well, I grabbed the tail of a flying monkey and let go of it as it flew past your saloon. You know to save gas and stuff..."

"Stop talking nonsense and give me a clear answer asap!" The old man banged his fist on the table.

"I've told you, that I will come later with my brother, Santa." I replied, not wasting my time with a greeting. None of us ever said hello to each other. Probably because we also weren't good at saying goodbyes...

"What have you done with him? Huh? You should protect your brother, not to sweep him off his feet!" 

"Chill the fuck down, he's breathing. He's just fallen asleep!"

"And where is the little buddy?"

"Still in my car."

"Then hurry up, bring your brother into the back room and lay him onto the corner bench. Avanti!"

He commanded in his typical mexican accent. He then took his crutches and followed us into the back room where I carefully laid Taylor's delicately built frame down on the corner bench.

"How is he?"

"He is very weak. He really needs to eat something and to rest for a while."

Santiago sat down next to Taylor, put a pillow under his head, then grabbed his wrist to feel his pulse rate.

"Ok, we'll let him sleep until it's finished. Manolo! Go and make something to eat for Blade and his brother! And you Blade, go and bring Bandito inside! Shoo!"

I wasn't even a minute there and he was bossing around like no other, but like me Santiago also never wasted his time with long speeches.

"I'm doing it. And you don't let him out of sight! Got it?!"

I answered before I hurried back to my car for Bandito. The moment I lifted my dog up from the back seat he began to choke again.

Shit!

Not a moment to soon, I teared the car door next to him open, just in time for him to throw up.

I should have seen it coming. I took him with us coz I knew it would have been too risky to pick him up at my brothel at this time of the day when Taylor was with me. It was high time for Taylor and Bandito to get some rest.

I stroked Bandito's back and held him while he threw up.

As I thought of Taylor who looked so pale and fragile I felt a hard, hurting knot building up in my stomach.

Why the hell was I such a clueless idiot when it comes to deal with emotions?

Yes he left me alone back then, but I had judged Taylor's choices without knowing his reasons.

"You probably internally make fun about me the whole time... right?"

Taylor's innocent, embarrassed voice still ecchoed in my head.

No Taylor, you are the one who can make fun about me, once you know me better, that's for sure. 

Fuck Blade, you are such an idiot!

I felt sweat building up on my palms and my back. What the fucking fuck had I done?

Instead of giving him a feeling of safety, I had scared the hell out of him.

How the hell could I expect him to give me an explanation in his current state?! 

Especially after how I treated him?! He just lost his pregnant wife and had some sicko on his tail on top of that! 

What a fucked up brother I was. I was responsible for him and pushed him even deeper into his misery. The years of hate and loneliness had made me blind, even though he showed interest in me from day one, since we met.

Even though, the past had left it's traces on me, I felt at that moment that I had forgiven Taylor by now. He would talk about his reason with me, once he was ready for it. But whatever it was, he would still be my brother. I would be there for him and give him everything he needed until he wouldn't need me anymore someday. From now on, the black sheep of the family would try to make things right!

I couldn't allow myself to fall in despair of guilt, coz I had to be there for Taylor.

Hopefully, something to eat would finally give him strength back...

I stroked Bandito's back until he was finished. Luckily, he recovered quickly after his ejection. As he noticed the familiar area, he immediately limped towards the bar, happily wagging it's tail to greet Santiago.

I locked my car and gave the area one last glance of appraisal before I entered the bar again and headed back to his back room.

"Shall we let your brother sleep here and sit back down in the front area?" Santiago raised his head up to me while he greeted Bandito.

"No, I don't want him to wake up with no one around him. He's too fragile and has a high startle response in his current state, so I don't want to let him alone."

He nodded, so I sat down opposite Santiago, Taylor was peacefully sleeping between us, his lashes fluttering like butterflies against his cheeks and his blond hair shimmered around his angelic face like a halo. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Instinctively, I took his hand and held it in mine. I didn't know if Taylor could feel it, but he should know that he wasn't alone.

As Santiago's noticed my gesture, he nodded his approval.

"So you two finally put an end to your dispute?"

"Yeah we actually get along now, surprise, surprise. But I need your advice anyway."

"Get cracking!"

"I don't know how to help my brother to get used to me. I can feel that he cannot accept me as his bodyguard."

"Because he's your brother." He ended.

"Yes, he's my two years older brother."

"I see. For sure that's not an easy situation."

"Yeah, you know I protect him and I won't abandon this job, but it's difficult if he can't accept me."

"I don't know your brother, but I can imagine that it makes him feel useless, coz you expect him to accept that you do what he considers as his job."

The old smartass came straight to the point. Good thing until now his advices never led me wrong. He didn't know Taylor yet, but hopefully he could help me this time too.

My brother and me are both pretty level headed. Taylor has never been overly protective, he didn't suffer the older brother syndrome, but it didn't change the fact that he cared for me.  
I didn't have a problem to be the protective brother, to take care of Taylor, but we had not seen each other for such a long time and the latest incidents showed me that I couldn't expect him to deal with it that easily. I really hoped that it wouldn't remain a problem between us.

"We already are on the road to recovery about that, but what's most important is that he'll accept me as his bodyguard."

"Well, he's your brother no matter what. But considering your brother is a famous superstar, he has his pride on the line and it might be a loss of his reputation if the public will get to know about it. And from now on, you stand in the public with him by his side, so both of you would be affected. Also, the twisted situation between the two of you are is indeed a not so common thing."

"We don't plan to tell the media about it, but we have to deal with it between us. Anyway! We're not children anymore and our age difference shouldn't matter anymore by now."

"That is true. It doesn't need to be a bad thing as long as you both can deal with it. But everyone has another way to deal with things and what we need to get used to something, depending on how sensitive things are for us."

"I realized that already. But no matter if he's my little brother, big brother, whatever. Things wouldn't be different no matter what age I have and he has. So I don't kow what I can do to help him to accept me."

To be honest, I believe that Taylor's worries and his sensitivity is caused by his fear. He was afraid that people would judge and laugh about him. It didn't matter for me that Taylor was a shy and sensitive guy because I was here to accept him and not to change him. But the prejudice hit and hurt me as much as him as long as he allowed it to influence him. 

I knew that I wouldn't be able to trust Taylor, as long as I wasn't completely sure that he'd accept me. We were both completely different persons with completely different lives. While my brother was a famous idol and passionate about his music carreer, I, on the other hand, preferred to stay out of the society in my private life.

I had never thought about to change places with Taylor, I was absolutely fine with it how things were.

It didn't interest me if people found me weird or not because of that. And even if I'd be famous too, it wouldn't change my opinion. Maybe, some people might find me confusing and wondered why I stay out of the society in my private life or when my world view had become such a negative image in their eyes. But they often misunderstood me, coz the truth was, I didn't have a negative worldview. I just saw things realistically. To me it wasn't the world that had changed. There were always good and bad humans. It's the same as it ever was. 

So yeah, for sure I could imagine that Taylor would have to expect to get stupid comments if the society and in particular his fans and the media would get to know that I protected him. They'd probably not only make fun of him, but also consider him as a ruthless and careless person while I would get titled as the criminal, self-destructive, drug addicted pimp brother which was at least the truth in my case.

For sure, news like that would cause some people to judge us, without reminding that we're independent adults which decide about their lives by themselves.

However! No matter how indifferent my opinion was what the media would write about me, I absolutely didn't want to drag Taylor's name through the dirt. Not only because it was my job to care about that, but also because he's my brother. I never gave a shit of what society thought of me and to stand at Taylor's side in public from now on will not change my attitude, but Taylor shouldn't need to deal with other people's prejudices if he wasn't strong enough to deal with them.

Just because I could deal with that bodyguard job unproblematically, I couldn't tell which idiotic things the society and his fans would say about my older brother if they'd get to know about us and how much it would have an effect on his reputation.

At least Taylor was willing to deal with it between us and in the small circle of our friends. Though I internally wished that he could deal with me no matter what my appearance and my age was, I had to keep in mind that the burden for him was obviously heavier to carry than for me about that. Coz I really didn't want to make things harder for him. 

"I see. Well, I don't know your brother, but I'd say soldier you have to show him that you need him just like he needs you. You know what I'm talking about."

He gave me a long glance. He was talking about my drug addiction. Santiago knew how much I was longing for. I was longing for cocaine since two days.

And that was another problem. Coz I had to be strong for Taylor and I didn't want to let him alone anymore, but I also longed for some time off where I could go to buy some boogar sugar.

The urge was there and it was gaining. And Santiago knew me too well to not know about it. I wouldn't be able to withstand the temptation much longer. I needed some coke. Very soon. 

I couldn't tell if Taylor would ever accept me to work for him as his bodyguard. The subject about me and him was already so sensitive for him and we needed several conversations about it until things finally began to loosen between us.

Who knows if he'd still trust me if he'd know that I'm a drug addict? It has always been against my own principles not to be honest, but now I was in a position in which Taylor's life was dependent from his trust to me. His life was at stake. His trust to me might decide about life or death.

I was responsible for him, I couldn't risk to lose it.

"I can't tell him about it yet. He just began to trust me and it might destroy his trust again towards me which we just built up. You know that there's some sicko following him and in his current dangerous life situation, I cannot take the risk to lose his trust. Besides, he has too many things ahead of him that he doesn't need my shit on top of that."

"Yeah I know that you're responsible for him Blade. In that case, you should wait, but find the right time and don't wait too long with it. I don't know him, so I can't know what he thinks about you, but he should know about it anyhow. It's not that difficult to know that."

"Yeah. I know." I sighed, stroking Bandito's head with my other hand.

I wanted to make things right, but my cocaine addiction was something I couldn't get rid off. I didn't know how to drown the demons of that addiction inside of me, coz they knew how to swim.

Man, I really needed to get a fix of coke...

I was about to tell Santiago that I badly needed some snow, whether he agreed it with it or not, but at that moment Taylor woke up. At first his lank fingers began to move in my hand, then I saw his blond eyelashes fluttering again. Eventually, he opened his sleepy eyes and began to look curiously around like a child in a toy store. I could understand why Taylor's appeareance has a magnetic radiance for many people. He had that innocent child-like curiosity on him which made it easy for most people to like him. Even his skin was lighter and his hand felt thinner and softer than mine. I also noticed how feminine his hands looked like and how incredible clean and neat his fingernails were.

"Hey Kiddo," Santiago greeted him with a nod.

Taylor looked questioning from me to Santiago.

"Tay, that's my friend Santiago Boleyn whom I told you about."

"Hello, it's nice to meet you Mr. Boleyn." Taylor reached his hand out to Santiago, his voice sounded even more weak and throathy now.

"Taylor, nice to meet you." Santiago shook Taylor's pale hand that was trembling slightly.

"Where is Bandito? Is he ok?" Taylor looked around, his expression suddenly concerned.

"Don't worry, he is here Taylor." I nodded towards Bandito who lied at our feet.

"Thank god. It was just a dream." He sighed relieved, leaned his head on the pillow again.

"How do you feel now, little fairy?" I asked worried as he tucked a long blond strand of hair behind his ear which blocked his view. 

"Thirsty," he croaked, looking up at me with his ocean blue eyes. Taylor was more fragile than I thought... 

"Manolo!" Santiago shouted loudly towards the kitchen. A few seconds later, his kitchen boy brought us some glasses with water.

"And you soldier, get your lazy ass up and help Manolo to lay the table!"

"Why does he call you soldier?" Taylor wanted to know as I let go of his hand and stood up.

"We were together in the Army. People tend to not like him coz he's always right."

"Not many can deal with your stubbornness either." The old man retorted unimpressed.

"Like I told you." I shrugged before I hurried towards the kitchen.


	53. Chapter 53

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor

I woke up feeling Zachary's hand holding mine. And as terrible as it may sound, a small insecure part of me enjoyed the feeling of being sheltered.

I knew that I owed him to deal with the fact that he protected me from now on. At least as long as we're together. I had to force myself not to think about a upcoming seperation, it stabbed my broken heart that I had no choice but to make use of the earliest opportunity to get rid of Zac which I didn't know when it would arise.

Slowly, I sat up on the corner bench on which I lay, still feeling weak and powerless. But Zachary's ministration was the thing that warmed my heart and gave me the will to make a good and hopefully quick recovery.

After the introduction with Zac's friend, whom I owe that I found my brother after nine years of being apart of him, I curiously looked around the unknown place as we're waiting for our meal.

The bar was in a very simple condition, the interior furnishing was outdated and has surely seen better days, although it wasn't that ordinary that it wasn't possible to feel comfortable. It was plain and simple and had a mexican atmosphere. On the walls of the back area in which we were sitting hang a lot of glass cabinets with all kinds of guns. Apparently, a collection passion which not only Zac had...

Aside from the glass cabinets, were the walls decorated with many photos and some comic drawings. I could recognize them as Zachary's. It was like journey into the past just to look at these walls. The pictures showed their history, how many events they experienced together. There were so many of pictures of Zac and Santiago together as soldiers, some of them were older, some of them newer.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Even Bandito was in some of them. I felt a bit of honest envy about the long period which Santiago and Zac had spent together, times which Zac and I didn't have and maybe never could catch up...

I understood why Zac said Santiago was his family just by looking at those pictures. I really wished Zac and me would also have a picture collection of the previous years.

I need to take pictures of these walls before we would leave... Yeah I really have to.

I kind of felt messy and would have liked to go to a bathroom and wash my hands at least, but I didn't want to put Zac out even more than he already did for me. Good thing, I had my bag with me in which I had brought a small toiletries bag with some antibacterial hand cream. If you lead a life on tour, it is absolutely indepensable. Especially for the trips in a tour bus it was always necessary to have some. I fished it out of my bag and slathered my hands with the cream. Santiago, Zac's friend sat to my right and Zachary to my left, impatiently knocking on the table with the cutlery in his hands.

"What's with Bandito's wound? Is it better already?" Santiago pointed to Bandito who immediately wagged it's tail as he heard his name.

"Taylor has bandaged his wound last night. I checked it this morning and it already looked better.  
If his difficulties to walk remain though, veteranian intervention is needed. By the way, he just puked outside, so you better give him only dry food as long as his stomach is upset."

I felt sorry to hear that.

"I didn't know Bandito has a sensitive stomach." I said compassionated, giving Bandito a look of sympathy.

"He just needs some time to recover. I'll bring him to a vet for a check up once the weekend is over for a check up of his wound. Just in case." Zachary replied, also looking over to his dog who laid curled up in a dog basket at his feet.

"Yeah, no worries guys. We'll take good care of him until then." Santiago assured us, extended his arm to stroke Bandito's head who immediately clinged closer to him, enjoying the endearment.

"Thanks old man. I owe you one. Taylor, what do you want to eat? You'll probably need to get something easily digestible, right?"

"Yeah, I guess." I shrugged weakly, still unsure if I could eat at all. 

Santiago instructed his waiter about our meals and Bandito's sensitive stomach. As the lunch was brought to us shortly afterwards, Zac suddenly made a face.

"What the fuck is this shit?"

"It's called salad!" Santiago informed him sarcastically.

"What am I, a fucking cow?"

"Shut up and be thankful for the vitamines, you have to stay fit anyway!"

"I can't fucking stuff myself with that rabbit food. If I have to stay fit, I need some meat. MANOLO!" Zac insisted persistent on his meat and stubbornly shoved the bowl away from him.

"You'll get your meat, first you eat your salad!" Santiago didn't relent. He gave him a stern look before shoving the salad bowl back to him.

Zac rolled his eyes and groaned. Grumbling obsceneties, he reluctantly shoved a handful lettuce leaves in his mouth. His cheeks puffed up while he chewed them and made him look like a beaver.

"Taylor needs to eat something too! He hasn't eat anything for several days." He talked while chewing and smacking his food like a cow chewing its cud. If he wouldn't have looked kind of funny in a way, it would have been unwatchable.

"When I see you eating Blade, I'm not surprised. At least shut your pie-hole when chewing and don't fart at the table." Santiago commented, head shaking. "You know we don't have such famous VIP's here every day!"

These two were entertaining to watch. If I wouldn't have known it better, I might have thought they're in fact father and son. Or brothers, only with a bigger age difference than Zac and I had. I could have watched their interactions for hours. Even though their behaviour lacked of manners in some ways, it was evident that they cared about each other.

I turned my attention to my own bowls, one was filled with chicken soup and a smaller one filled with salad. The soup didn't smell bad, but I still didn't feel a feeling of hunger in me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I had sat there for a while silently hugging my waist until I finally reached for the spoon. My innards were like a big numb hole...

It was like a horse race in my mind. Three different horses, one was my tiredness, one was called thirst and one was my hunger. Usually, the thirst and the tiredness vied against each other, the horse of hunger was left in the dust a long time ago. I didn't expect that it would ever catch up again with the other two. But with the first spoonful of chicken soup that Zachary's friends made for me,

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I could feel the horse of hunger suddenly rose up in me for the first time after... a period of time which felt for me like a blurry eternity. I almost didn't believe anymore that that horse would still exist by now...

I wasn't sure if I was supposed to feel guilty about it, but I actually felt hungry. Not only hungry for food, I was hungry for life. With every spoon of chicken soup I ate, I felt my energy slowly coming back. I was on the road of recovery. Because of Zachary's ministration, the horse of hunger finally got it's chance to win.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"One thing is for sure, you two don't resemble each other." Santiago remarked as he gave the two of us a once over before he began to wolf down his own burger.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Santiago was right, Zac and me were totally different types and we didn't look a like at all. I would have never thought that one day I would be glad about that fact...

"The shit has hit the fan if I don't finally get some meat!" Zac exclaimed, pounding his fists loudly on the table. Evidently, he wasn't going to listen to what his friend had to say anymore. 

Just then, he finally got another plate filled with a steak, potatoes and more vegetables and perked up in an instant. Instinctively, he shoved the vegetables aside, rammed his fork into the meat and impaled the steak on it before bringing it greedily to his big mouth. 

That was clearly my cue for an interruption about whatever he was planning to do with his peace of meat.

"Ahem Blade," I harrumphed loudly. "You're going to eat your steak like that?"

In a split of a second, three pairs of eyes were on me as if I was the eight wonder of the world. My brother's, Santiago's and Bandito's from under the table. Although Bandito was probably more interested in the steak instead of what I was about to point out...

For a moment nobody said something and I wondered if Zac even knew what I was about to indicate.

"Did I forget to pray?" He gave me a frown, remaining in the dark.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

No, he didn't get it. This is all second nature to me, so I didn't understand HOW people can be such slobs at a table, when it really is not all that difficult to have manners.

"Gimme your plate!"

When he didn't react, I reached out and pulled his arm down on the table, took his fork out of his hand, grabbed the knife aside the plate and pulled his plate over to me to end that barbaric ritual I was watching.

Daintily, I began to cut the steak up in small pieces for him. I liked having decent manners and my own unobtrusive way to show how I care. 

"You don't need to do that Taylor." Zachary was so perplexed about my action that he apparently even forgot his hunger and impatience for a moment. 

Seriously, sometimes I wonder where my brother's conspicuous jungle dweller genes came from... 

It would not have taken much and he had ate his meat with his bare hands.

Maybe he just wasn't used to it anymore that someone else would do something like that for him?

"I think it's necessary Blade. This is not 'Planet of the apes'! At least, not anymore." I disabused him, not caring about everyone's confusion. Even though it took me a while because of my weak wrists, I wholeheartedly enjoyed doing this for my brother. To give him something back and to show him that I cared about him. If I wasn't a role model for my little brother, who else would it be?!

A few days ago, when I met him for the first time I was unsure if it was wise to act that way, I mean to show him how much I really cared for him. I never wanted that his sympathy would be the reason for him to stay with me and bring himself into a life-threatening situation. But to see how close Santiago's and Zachary's bond was, I understood all the more that Zachary wouldn't break his promise that he gave his best friend.

Furthermore, Zachary thought for nine long years that I wouldn't care for him because of what I've done to him, so how could I prolong that situation between us? It would have been insufferable for both of us. To show him that I care for him was the least thing I could do...

"At least one of you has impeccable manners." Santiago patted my shoulder praisingly and grinned broadly to Zachary who was still watching me silently. 

"Here Blade. Now you can eat your steak properly." I stated satisfied when I was finished and shoved the plate back to him.

He wordlessly took the cutlery back from me and began to eat at least half-decent like a human.

"And what do you say?" Santiago took a tattoo magazine which lay in front of him on the table, rolled it up and smacked the back of Zac's head with it.

Zac just smirked. "Thanks big bro!" He gave me a toothy grin that showed some small remnants of meat which I actually didn't want to see again and Santiago smacked his head one more time.

"Hey, for what was that?" He complained, shooting Santiago an irritated look.

"Whatever, I'm sure you deserve it."

The next half hour passed by peacefully, we ate our meal and my physical feeling became so much better. Certainly, I had to take it one step at a time, but I was really glad that I slowly felt my strength coming back. Not only because it was akward for me to get carried by Zac, mainly because I didn't want to be a burden for him anymore. 

Santiago had to go back to the front area to serve his costumers and let us calmly finish our meals in the back area of the saloon where we were alone and undisturbed. He walked with crutches coz he had only one leg. In the photos with Zac on the walls he had both legs though... It didn't feel right to me to ask him or Zachary how that happened, coz I didn't know him well enough yet. In my opinion, it's not quite the thing to ask.

"Feel better now?" Zachary turned his head to me when we're finished and brought me out of my thoughts.

"Yes I do. Thank god! I think I can walk on my own from now on."

"I hope so Taylor." He replied and belched loudly as he turned his attention back to the TV.

Zac and me still had some time left before we had to drive back home and used it to relax. It was nice to be just brothers for a while. Just being me without being surrounded by curious glances. Sometimes it could really be too much to be gawked at constantly. But I guess no one wants to be watched when you are chased by an insane stalker.

That's why I was glad when Santiago let me use his private, adjacent bathroom with no one else around after our meals. Relieved that I could walk on my own again, I squirted some hand lotion onto my cold hands. They’d been so dry lately, I could hardly stand them. There’s nothing more irritating than callused fingers. After brushing my hair and freshen up myself, I felt more like a human being and less like a slug.

Sated and satisfied had Zac sprawled himself out on a couch when I came out of the bathroom, presenting his filled tummy to all of the four winds.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Not much had changed; Zac was still completely at home with a couch and a TV. Lazily, he flipped through the TV channels of a small TV in the corner, a toothpick hung loosely between his lips.

I sat down across from him again, crossed my legs and lit up a cigarette. I could tell that both of us really enjoyed some relaxation for a while. At least until we heard a female voice coming out of the TV from a news anchor.

"Earlier this afternoon there was a mighty concourse of people in the mall in the inner city. Taylor Hanson whose wife got killed the other day got stuck in a gaggle of his admiring fans. As Mr. Hanson visited a barber's shop, he got recognized by fans outside the salon and shortly afterwards the amount of people which wanted to see their famous idol increased rapidly. A strange man who turned out to be Mr. Hanson's bodyguard was involved got into a fight with two men on site..."

A insertion was followed by a video which showed Zachary and me walking through the crowd when he led me to his car. The blond boy whose limp body was held in Zac's grip was sadly nobody else but me. My head was buried into his shoulder but from what I could see I looked so helpless and exhausted at his side. 

Slowly, I forced myself to put one foot in front of the other. I remembered it was excruciatingly effortful. I could feel everyone’ eyes on me, as well as the discomfort of being held in my little brother's firm grip who pressed me protectively against his body.

Despite my intent to get used to be protected by my little brother, I couldn't deny that a part of me still felt the urge to disappear into my seat just by one look at that scene, but I didn't want to think of it.

I didn't really need to see these scenes again. Ashaming enough that the recordings from that incident were nationally televised by the TV newscast.

"The owner of the barber's shop and her staff declined to give any informations about the visit of the popular singer."

Whew! I sighed relieved. At least one good thing about the most embarassing experience of my life. It was nice from Mrs. Drakeford to react that way. If she or someone else from her staff would have told someone from the media the reason why I was stuck in the crowd because I didn't want to wait for my bodyguard to get me out of the salon, I could imagine very well that it would put rumours in circulation. I wasn't sure if people would begin to wonder why I had hired a bodyguard even though I didn't trust him at that time. I really didn't want to plant any rumours about Zac and me. 

The screen skipped to another scene which showed what happened earlier, Zachary and the two men with which he had a fight and the young women who tried to intermeddle in it. The screamings of the fans were so loud that it was hard to understand what they said to each other and I had to listen intently to understand what has been said.

"Just one short interview of Mr. Hanson for the media please! Our readers want to know what's going on with him. How is he? Can we expect a statement from him?"

"No, Taylor Hanson does not give any interviews at this time. And I only say it once, you let the fuck go off me asap! If not you suffer the consequences. Capisce?"

Zachary threatened with violence into the face of a paparazzi who held intrusively onto his arm. He then turned to the young woman which I already saw through the window from inside the barber's shop.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
inspiration for this scene based on this gif set:  
http://zaylor.net/post/124258328960  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"And now to you hussy!" He approached her. "One, Taylor is not here for an autograph hour! Two, you better give that gaping hole in your face a chance to heal! End of conversation." He said in such an extremely nasty tone of voice and tapped his forehead at her before he turned away from her.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Holy Jeeze!" I choked on my water, totally appalled. It was worse than I thought. My brother used a whole slew of words which were completely inacceptable. The next sequences showed how Zachary punched the paparazzi guy directly in his face, but I didn't watch them anymore.

Zachary grabbed the remote controller from the table to change the channel. "Whatta cheap slut that was." He snorted scornfully, adding insult to injury as he began to switch through the channels. I took a long drag of my cigarette before I approached him about his ordinary sayings.

"Is that your usual way to talk with people Zac? Why did you say that to that girl?" I stared at him, equally uncomprehending and irriated.

"Trust me Taylor, that bitch wasn't innocent as well." He replied undiscerning in a flat voice while lazily scratching his tummy. Oh well, it was high time to teach my younger brother some manners.

"I don't care what she said Zac. That kind of behaviour are beastly manners. Sometimes it's better to leave certain things unsaid."

"I just did my job Taylor. Besides, it's too late to teach me. I'm too old for this kind of crap."

"Cultivated manners doesn't have anything to do with age Zac. You work for me and I don't want you to talk like that with my fans for Pete's sake! Furthermore, I don't consider violence as the right way to deal with things."

"Neither do I. But sometimes you don't have another choice coz some people don't understand another language. It doesn't take a rocket scientiest to know that."

Sure I knew that the ability to assert himself was very necessary in his job, but still his low brow behaviour went too far in my opinion. It just didn't sit right with me.

Didn't he care at all which negative effects it would have not only on me, but also on himself?

"What do you think the public will say about you as my new bodyguard once they become acquainted with your common manners Zac? People will talk bad about you and maybe even begin to laugh about you because of your... different behaviour." I articulated, trying to express my opinion well-spoken.

"I don't give a flying fart in space what people talk or think about me Taylor. They laugh about me coz I'm different? Fine, I laugh about them coz they're all the same."

Have I ever mentioned that my brother could be really a weirdo sometimes? Well, if I didn't yet, the time has come now.

"As your employer and as your older brother I'm telling you that I do not allow that kind of vulgar manners like that towards my fans. That's out of place!"

"Do you even know what's going on among them Taylor? How they talk? Your fans would sell a kidney in a snap just to talk to you for a minute. Many of them would stab each other's eyeballs out for a date with you whether your wife got killed only two days ago or not. When it's tough like this, you know it's gonna be ugly. Better you make it quick, or else you will be there all day listening to other people's crap. Furthermore, you know that I have to be intimidating to keep them away from you. Do you really believe that does always work with politeness and consideration?"

At first, I wanted to continue criticize Zachary's behavior, but I didn't. I let his sayings sink in because his arguments created a little bit of doubt in me. He seemed to be really convinced about the way he acted and he also knew now how crazy people were about me. While I on the other hand just wasn't used to talk with people in a way like that. It was all weird for me. I wanted to be a role model for Zac, on the other hand I didn't know how to give him a piece of advice about something I never needed to deal with so far. I already underestimated him about his self defence skills, was I now assessing him wrong again if I questioned his self-assertion?

"Let me rephrase that. I just expect you to be a little more politely towards them, especially with women. I want you to make an effort to talk nice." I corrected my previous statement and tried to sound less upset.

"I can't give you a promise for something that will not work Taylor. But I'll try to remember that as long as those gay faggots don't touch me."

Our conversation suddenly took a turn I didn't expect.

"What is your problem with gay men?" I asked loudly, in purpose he would turn around to me which he did after a heavy sigh.

I had to think back at that moment about the way he treated Skye. Had Zachary's snubbing behaviour towards him partly something to do with Skye's gayness? It was hard to imagine.

But maybe a small part of it?

"I don't have a problem with gay men. I just don't like it when they're being touchy."

Zac's answer bothered me in a way. Like I already assumed, it turned out I was right that there was a small part of him who didn't know how to deal with gay men.

Would he treat me differently once he knew about my gayness?

I guess there was only one way to find out about it.

"So you reproach me that I would judge you because of your age, but you're judging too. Coz you judge gay men."

"What can I say? We're both weirdos so we're definitely from the same family." He shrugged unflappably, not letting himself get worked up. Unintentionally, I had to smile a little about his sarcasm. It seemed that his black sense of humor never leaves him.

I thought about what a picture the two of us made in public. 

Two brothers, one was gay and the other one with homophobic tendencies.

What a superb combination... 

I didn't know whether to laugh or shake my head about it. 

Coughing slightly, I stubbed my cigarette out in the ashtray before I looked over to him again.

"Zac, I am gay."

[](http://www.directupload.net)


	54. Chapter 54

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade: 

My brother is an amazing person. He equally understood how to confuse and irritate me. I was really amazed by his efforts to teach me table manners. Not only that, I also noticed that he wanted to return the favor because he tried to find a way to do something for me.

Taylor's decent manners were always something I respected and appreciated about him. For my own part, I knew that I didn't have that great sense of patience like Taylor had; I also didn't care about manners, so the point for cultivated manners doubtlessly goes to Taylor. But that was totally fine for me, we didn't need to have the same personalities.

As my employer and my brother, Taylor sort of had double right to tell me how he wanted me to treat his fans. I knew Taylor needed music like he needed air to breathe and I respected that about him. Speaking by the impression I got from his side of life, Taylor was extremely popular and famous. Above all these things, protecting Taylor was always the highest priority and I couldn't keep my brother away from a pushy gaggle of people with politeness and consideration all the time. My tasks were to put my life on the line for him, to save him the blushes in awkward situations, and to be the asshole if necessary.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't intend to insult anyone on purpose. Not until I considered that the person deserved it. I never wasted my time to detain myself with manners, all the more true if time was essential. As a good bodyguard I had to know how to asses a situation right, try to avoid fights and make sure to keep always control. Violence was always the last solution. However, I couldn't give him promises for something when I knew things didn't always work that way.

I would never deny that Taylor was way more familiar with bodily care and good manners than I was. I assumed he thought that I had to learn some of them. I, on the other hand was completely satisfied with myself in that department.

Maybe, Taylor thought that I needed to change, to learn better manners. I didn't want him to get the impression that I didn't appreciate his efforts, but to know who I am was for me one of the only things I could rely on in my life, it was one of the things which I've been in conflict with very few times.

Granted, I could be an asshole at times and had primitive tendencies, but why the fuck should I change? To adjust myself to the society? To become someone else? For what?

To want to be someone else is a waste of the person you are. Not only is not accepting ourselves harmful to our emotional and spiritual states, but it is also wasteful. In focusing on what we could be or what we want to be, we are essentially ignoring who we are. We are wasting ourselves. If someone is focused on becoming or wanting to become someone else, the true self becomes buried under a pile of "I wish I could's" and "If only I were's". The desire to be like others, to stray towards something other than one's true nature, strikes me as extremely negative. In not accepting who you, you are wasting yourself and, in fact, wasting your life. I'm certain almost everyone has the desire to be someone else or like someone else from time to time, but it is important that we recognize this desire, remain conscious of it, and realize the potential it has to bring negativity into our lives. Not only does the yearning to be like another person cause stress, pain, and confusion, but it also allows the true self to exist in a state of disuse. Whatever you believe we are here for, I think it cannot be true that we are here to be wasted.

To cut a long story short, you can think what you want about me; but I will not change anymore. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

My brother Taylor had an amazing sense for patience and empathy, he doubtlessly was an amazingly talented musician and that he wanted to teach me manners showed me that he cared for me.

In return I felt appreciation and gratefulness to him.

Though, I actually think that he is the one who had to learn how to remove the society stick of his ass at times, stop fucking caring about what might be awkward, uncool or what the fuck ever society has told us. 

I didn't expect Taylor to change, but sometimes I couldn't help but wish he wouldn't let himself be influenced by other people's opinion's, at least when it comes to dealing with me. I would never claim that one of us is more or less intelligent than the other one, but it's moments like this when I do feel that our roles are twisted, not just because of the protection I offer him, and maybe our twisted roles will always exist. 

Doubtlessly, the two of us were very different. When I feel the urge to scratch my butt, fart, or pick my nose, I just do it. I'm like "Fuck Society" since age 6. And it wasn't a choice, I'm just born blessed. It's not a choice, it's about being yourself. I don't understand why people would say you choose one way or another. I didn't choose to be straight, I just am. People are who they are.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

You wouldn't see a Taylor Hanson do something like that in public. Things like these has differentiated Taylor and me a whole lifetime.

I sensed that Taylor wanted me to look up to him, but how can you look up to someone you can't even trust?

About that gay subject, feel free to shoot me down about that! Because yeah, gay men are kinda weird for me. When you have a job where you get paid for sex with men, trust me, you really don't long for bodily contact in your free time on top of that. 

I never studied my brother for any signs of outlandish behaviour, but Taylor's coming out was not really surprising anyway. I didn't really know how to deal with this emotional stuff to be honest, so don't expect too much from me here. 

So how do I deal with this? Uhh...

"I thought so," was my brilliant or not so brilliant answer. I could tell it by the way he dressed, he moved, he gesticulated... there were many little hints actually.

"Huh? You already know?" He looked at me questioning.

"'It...uh... wasn't that difficult to guess." Bad Blade, really bad! 

Inwardly, I could feel Santiago's magazine smacking against the back of my head again and his chiding voice echoing through my head.

"Hey soldier, be nice to your brother!" I suppose what I did was a little on the mean side. I’ll give Taylor that.

"Sorry Taylor. No offense meant." I gave him an excusing look. He didn't look offended though.

"It's okay. It isn't something about which I feel ashamed or uncomfortable. When you've heard gay rumors about yourself as often as I have, it's actually nothing new for me anymore. Gay or not, I'm already used to it either way." He replied casually with a wave of his hand.

"How come? I mean... you're married, weren't you?" Now, I was the one who looked questioning at him.

Taylor bowed his head, studied his fingers and fumbled at his wedding ring before he answered.

"Yes I am, but my wife and I, we uhm... we're estranged... I guess it's been almost two years now." He began to explain in a sad tone.

"I'm sorry to hear that." I remembered Taylor and his wife both looked so lucky in the photos on his walls in his house. But appearances are often deceptive. Like Santiago and me in our Army photos. Both of us were full of willpower and courage to face life during those years.

Nothing was like that anymore since he lost his leg...

"It was my music career and my busy life on tour which has broke our relationship. I...I wasn't there when she died..." he quietly continued.

"That she died is not your fucking fault Taylor!" My brother had a sick stalker who deliberated a torturous act. His wife and every other person around him were obviously targets for that bastard. That's why she had to die. I wouldn't allow him to blame himself for something which clearly wasn't his fault.

"I guess it was," he snuffled, still abstracted playing with his wedding ring.

"No the fuck! It's not!" I exclaimed loudly which made him wince a little, but he continued speaking in the same quiet tone. 

"My music career has given me the hardest blows of fate Zac and that's why I'll give it up now. I can't bear more blows of fate like that."

My older brother was speaking in riddles now and I suddenly began to wonder if his music career had something to do with the secret which he still hadn't told me yet... I didn't want to ask him though, bringing up the subject again would cause new pressure on Taylor and make the waiting harder for me.

"I understand that you need a break from your music career Taylor, but I think you shouldn't give it up forever. Plus, you know that I'm here for you."

He gave me a grateful look, but remained serious.

"You don't judge me because I'm gay?"

"No I don't, you're my brother. I hope you don't judge me anymore just because I'm younger than you."

"Yeah I know. But can we please keep it a secret to the public anyway?"

"Yes, I already told you that it's fine with me. Santiago is the only person who knows about it aside from your faggot friends..."

"Zac!" He shot me an admonishing glance. 

Probably, I had to resign myself that I had a foot in mouth disease...

Taylor's teaching lesson was quickly forgotten though as we got distracted by a child's voice that came out of the TV as the advertising spots were over. The screen showed two boys one in teenager age, one a little younger. The little boy sat on the shoulders of the older one and smiled brightly after the older boy pulled him out of a swimming pool.

"I'm so proud of my big brother Oscar, he always take care of me." The little boy giggled happily into the camera.

I rolled my eyes and Taylor; well he tried to pretend he didn't hear it, looking intensly at anything but me and the TV. Fabulous! What the fuck was going on with us? Could we never encounter other brothers which didn't have a twisted situation like ours without feeling awkward and irritated about it?

I didn't want it to happen, but I suddenly got pissed about it. I was not in the mood to talk about that subject anymore, coz honestly, I already was pretty sick of it. Do you wanna know what really irritates me? When a guy saves his little brother, he gets titled as the super duper big brother, the hero. When a little brother saves his big brother, it's embarrassing? What the fucking hell is wrong with that shit?!? 

It was just a simply daily soap but it was sickening anyway. It's almost as if little brothers weren't made or not allowed to achieve great things...

I'm gonna tell you what I think: "To hell with that sickening crap!"

I was tended to toss the remote control into the screen but at that moment the old cranky Satan appeared through the yellow curtains, so Taylor and I couldn't precede our uncomfortable silence anyway. Resigned, I turned the TV off and tossed the remote control in a corner instead.

"How is it going guys?"

"Same old, same old." I merely shrugged as if I had no idea whatsoever what was going on. I’m quite good at that, acting like I have no idea what’s going on. It’s an amazing power to have where everyone thinks you’re stupid.

"It's going nicely," my better half brother answered. I smiled at him. Taylor was always the peacemaker.

"You look better now, not that pale anymore like when you guys arrived."

"Thanks. I do feel better." Taylor smiled some and nodded his approval.

"By the way, I have something for you. This is pepper spray. It can't hurt to have some."

Santiago handed Taylor a small can of pepper spray. He was right, Taylor wasn't used to carrying any weapons with him and it couldn't hurt if he had something for self defense.

Taylor accepted the old man's gift courteously. "Thanks, I hope I won't need it though."

"Guys, would you mind going to the front area? I have to take care of my business now."

I immediately knew what Santa meant with business, even though he maintained a low profile. I wasn't born yesterday!

"Of course not!" My well-behaved brother took his bag, stood up and stepped aside in an instant.

"Take him as an example!" Santiago provoked me with a smirk as he noticed Taylor's reaction.

I gave him the finger before I lazily peeled my own depraved self from the couch as well. I knew that Santiago wasn't serious, he just wanted to help making Taylor feel more comfortable, so I didn't mind his teasing.

However, having a beautiful 'fuck you' position doesn't automatically mean to act like a bastard 24/7 and not being able to be nice at all. So I went ahead as we walked to the front area and gallantly pulled the chair out for my well known brother to sit upon at the bar. Taylor smiled shyly and appreciatively before sitting down in his usual civilized and lady like manner. He ordered some new drinks from Manolo for us as I watched Santiago ushered a guy to his back room where we've been before who was evidently a junkie and I was reminded of the urge in me again.

The urge to sniff a line...

Well, to make one thing clear. I wasn't that kind of junkie burnout who couldn't survive a day without drugs. Usually, I sniffed once or twice a week, depending on how work has been, how stressful a week was, how my mood and the extent of my depressions were. Routine crap like that.

Since I worked as a pimp and male prostitute I was drifting through life without many responsibilities aside from my hired sluts. Coke was just a plus. There were days in which I had fucked with several johns and at the end of the day, even I felt exhausted and disgusted with myself. Not disgusted enough for a change, but cocaine was a way to deal with it, to let the days just burn out and slowly slide into obscurity.

There was not only the urge for cocaine in me though, there was also another power rising up in me which slowly but constantly caused an inner fight with myself.

My responsibility for Taylor. I knew that I could never forgive myself if I did take that line and something happened to Taylor while I was in a coke delirium. Not necessary to mention Santa's major disappointment on top of that. He knew that I was taking a job like this serious. That I would get into a conflict with myself once I felt my protective instinct over Taylor. He wanted me to stop taking drugs anyway. In other words, the old smart ass knew his devilish, cunning ways to kill two birds with one stone...

But I couldn't shrug it off that easily. The guilt, self hate and self loathing was too deep in my soul. There was still no one whom I could trust except Santiago, that's why I remained caught in my loneliness prison. How could I kill the demon inside of me without killing myself?

When I overview my life, I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone else around me. Those seem to be the two choices. Everything else is just killing time.

We're all addicted to something that takes the pain away.

Cocaine is my way. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)


	55. Chapter 55

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor:

Zac and I were sitting at the bar drinking Dr. Pepper together like good old times. It was like a piece of lost youth that we were trying to catch up with, but would never come back though...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Since I finally felt better, I also felt my confidence coming back. I knew that I had some important decisions to make which were ahead of me.

I wanted to tell Zachary what happened back then. He should know the story of the past before we part ways; that was the least I could do for him.

The meeting with Nat's family was coming closer and I was getting uneasy the more I had to think of it. That's why I wanted to wait until the meeting was over to tell Zac the truth... in my own way.

We sat in silence for a while which was ok, because there was a bond between us which I felt that it began to connect us. For the first time in nine years we could remain silent and equally know that we were getting along through our brotherly bond.

Currently there were only a few people near the bar, luckily no one was paying attention and no one recognized me. Zachary was still watching the curtain that lead to the back room where Santiago was with that strange man.

I could not help but notice Zac’s hair, it was a total mess, yet he seemed to not care about it at all.

"Blade?" To avoid any risk I called him by his code name. The other people were concerned with their own interests, but it was better not to run the risk. I still felt insecure about that. To introduce Zachary to the public was unimaginable. Even less because of Twink Twink... whoever that was.

"Hmm?" He averted his eyes from the curtains and turned to me.

"Your hair is a total mess." I pointed out, giving him another once over.

He didn't respond but just looked at me under his disheveled bangs like he was waiting for me to say something else.

"So what?" He eventually asked confused. Did he even have any idea about bodily care?!?

I glanced down at my new Armani suit before I looked back at him. To be honest, I even had purporsefully chosen new dress shoes with flat heels, so I wouldn't look even taller beside my little bodyguard brother. I have always taken care about my dressing, skin care, hairstyle and personality. 

"Your hair is sticking out in all directions. I bought myself a new suit and I let myself get shaved because I'll meet the family from my dead wife later and you walk around at my side like a scarecrow Blade."

He also wore the same clothes since three days by the way.

He scoffed. "And?" He asked again.

I rolled my eyes.

"If you aren't planning to get changed before we meet my in laws you could at least brush your hair for once."

"I fucking showered today, what else do you want?" 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He shrugged; reached into his jacket pocket, rummaged around and eventually fished a tattered scrunchie out of it. He pulled his hair back and was about to tie his hair with it.

"No wait, let me do that. I mean... if you don't mind?" I asked, suddenly founding myself a little bit excited. Hastily, I took my bag for a hair comb. I always carry around my big purse full of stuff that I never use, but I always think that one day I might need it right there. I remember having a comb somewhere in my big purse and was spasmodically looking for it because I can’t find things when I need them. This was one of those moments. Unlike me, Zac looked less than thrilled though.

"Is that really necessary Taylor?" He frowned at me as I eagerly began to conjure up my toiletries bag.

"Oh come on. Don't be like that. I'd like to do that." I requested in a sudden thrill of anticipation. "I think I’ll be able to handle your hair." My eyes were sparkling as I found the comb. Hurrying, before he would change his mind I reached over and smoothed his hair down before I began to comb his thick lion mane. He didn't feel comfortable but he kept silent, at least for a while. It was weird how Zac and I were exchanging our roles, because it was moments like this when I felt like his big brother again. I continued combing until I got caught in a very thick knot of hair, at first I tried to comb it out carefully but it didn't work, so I had to pull harder.

"Ow!"

"Ow what?"

"That hurts like a motherfucker!"

I let out a heavy, irritated sigh because of his language.

How could I ever introduce him properly to someone when he talked like he was born in a gutter?!?

"If you would brush your hair more often, you wouldn't have such a jungle on your head."

"I call it my 'I have no future, so what's the point look'," he replied sarcastically. As as strange person, I would probably have laughed about his statement. As his older brother who cared about him I could read the truth between the lines of his joke though and it let me lose my temptation to scold him for the remark he said before.

I thought about what to reply as we were suddenly distracted by some loud voices coming out of the back area of the bar, one of them clearly belonged to Santiago. Zachary immediately threw the comb aside and with one leap he hopped down from the bar stool.

"I don't have time for that frivolous crap anymore Taylor, something is wrong over there." His gaze was staring at the yellow curtains of the back area.

I wanted to ask him if he had an idea what was going on but he didn't give me an opportunity. He automatically turned to the Mediterranean looking kitchen boy who stood behind the bar and looked concerned because of the sudden loud voices.

"Manolo, usher the customers out! Quick. It's about to get nasty."

The voices coming from the back area were getting louder and the few customers which sat in the restaurant area jumped up from their chairs with concerned expressions and hurried towards the exit door.

I heard Bandito barking and was concerned about that too.

"Taylor, take your bag and get up. I'll bring you out of here. We gotta go. It's too dangerous for you here." He commanded in his typical soldier commanding tone.

"What? No! Absolutely not! I don't want to leave you alone here Blade." I protested equally taken aback and disagreeing.

"Taylor, listen! This is not the right moment for our damn power games! This place is not safe for you right now. Your safety comes first; you have to follow my safety rules! I'll bring you to the car. Come with me now!"

He grabbed my bag and pulled me undeterred toward the exit. Hastily, I looked around, the other people were luckily already out of ear-shot and there were no other passerby in sight at that moment but I waited a moment to speak to be on the safe side.

"You cannot treat me like that Blade Caziano! Don’t you dare say that my safety is more important than yours ever again! Your safety is equally as important as mine and I do not want you to go back inside there. Something bad may happen to you. Do you understand me?”

I trusted my brother but still I didn't know what was going on in the back area of the bar. It sounded like a brawl and the fact that Zachary wanted to interfere worried me even though I knew he was able to defend himself. I just didn't have a good feeling about it.

The dangerous area in which we were was alive of homeless people, prostitutes and johns. I knew that I couldn't hang around in this quarter without a bodyguard. I couldn't assess if the danger in this situation was bigger than it was from overzealous fans and pushy paparazzos. I only knew one thing for sure; I didn't want him to go back inside!

But he didn't let me go, he continued to drag me out of the bar. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He unlocked the passenger door as we reached his car so I could get inside. "Santiago is my friend Taylor. I got to go and help him, can't you understand that?"

His shrewd eyes were looking like daggers at me for a second. There was grim determination in them and I immediately knew he wouldn't change his mind, no matter what I would say. Doubts rose up in me again if I was acting egoistical. Santiago was his best friend, his family. Of course he wanted to help him. I realized it wasn't the right time to argue with him.

Reluctantly, I climbed into his Lamborghini and he tossed my shoulder bag into my lap. I still felt the urge to stop him though.

"But... I... I don't want you to go." I whined in a pleading tone and held onto the sleeve of his leather jacket like a little boy. It was the very first time that I told my little brother that I didn't want to be left alone. The fear of being alone was at least as high as the worry that any harm would happen to him. I guess I couldn't have chosen a worse and more inconvenient time to express that. My rebellious and hot-headed bodyguard brother wouldn't let nothing and no one stop him when it was against his moral. Zachary has always been a loyal person who would go through fire and water for a friend or family member in need. Loyalty was one of Zac's greatest character strengths.

"Listen Taylor, you stay here and if something happens, don't hesitate to use the pepper spray! I'm gonna lock the car. Stay calm and wait for me. I'll be back soon!"

He took my hand and squeezed it in his. I understood that he had to go.

"Please be careful." I didn't want to let go off his hand. It didn't matter to me anymore if it was awkward or not, I was too afraid I would lose him.

"Don't worry about me. Someone like me has learned to be strong."

I had tears in my eyes when he pulled his hand away from me and stepped back to close the door.

"Zac, I love you man." I said quietly and looked up to him one last time.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

His determination never left his composure but for a split of a second, I could have sworn that there was confusion in his eyes; he looked back at me almost a little surprised as if he didn't expect that he still had a brother who still loved him...

Warily, he looking around the place before he responded with a quick nod.

"I love you too bud." he answered, sounding a bit overwhelmed.

With that, he slammed the door next to me and left me alone. My hand flew to my mouth and I instantly started biting my nails. Salty tears of fear rolled down my cheeks which I couldn't stop but I remained silent. I wouldn't sob like a pathetic crybaby while my little brother put his life on the line for his best friend.

There were so many things left undone. I regretted that I didn't give Santiago a proper thank you for everything that he did for Zachary and that I couldn't say goodbye to him and Bandito. Furthermore, I wanted to take pictures of the Army photos on the walls...

I closed my eyes for a short moment. When I opened them I wiped the tears from my cheeks and looked at the silver metal dog tags hanging from the rear view mirror. He must have gotten them in the army. I reached out and stroked carefully over the inscription on the pendant.

"Blade L. Caziano"

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Instinctively, I took the necklace and hung it around my neck. I kept holding the tags in my hand, rubbing my fingers over the letters as if I could make his code name disappear and his real name appear on them. I would just need to rub the name long enough. Silently, I held the necklace tightly above my heart 'cause Zachary was all I could think about. Everything else seemed to be secondary right now.

Zachary who wanted to help his friend but somehow I didn't get rid of the strange feeling inside of me that I wouldn't see him again.

Zachary...


	56. Chapter 56

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Blade

When I came back into the bar I could still hear the screaming from the back area. I could imagine what the heated argument was about. Drugs. The guy who was arguing with Santiago... I had seen him one time before, he was one of the dealers that supplied Santiago.

It was no secret that Santiago had financial difficulties although he didn't talk about it with me. Whatever the guy intended, I wouldn't allow him to rob Santiago's saloon, hurt him or even kill him.

Santiago was known among the junkies and dealers around here, but since he reopened after the accident, there had been no scuffles or problems until today.

Manolo stood behind the bar talking to the police on the phone. I gave him a hand signal to hide behind the bar, kept my 45 Caliber handy and walked quickly to the back area, ready to shoot if necessary. There was no time to prepare. I knew the rules of handling a gun.

The weapons cabinet in the back area was stocked with the latest and the greatest. My personal favorite is the Mauser Elite SSX Double Barrel. It has a delicate trigger and the smoothest discharge. It is so precise; it's as if God handcrafted it himself. Always like me a sidearm with some heft. The guns weren't loaded but that didn't mean that the guy wouldn't find cartridges if he planned to smash the bar.

When I reached the yellow curtains, I put two fingers in my mouth and whistled through my teeth to call for Bandito. I didn't want him to be involved in this violent altercation, now that I was here.

Santiago and the guy were throwing insults loudly at one another and my whistle was drowned out, but I expected that Bandito may not hear it. Luckily, my dog came limping out to me, he yelped a little but wagged its tail when he saw me. I patted his head soothingly, and then gave him a sign to go over to Manolo and hide with him until the cops arrived.

I wanted to confront the intruder unimpeded. Santiago was surely not defenseless but his physical handicap was a big obstacle in a fight. An obstacle of which I was guilty...

"I say it one last time; the price for cocaine has gone up, so you owe me 3 grand Boleyn. If you don't pay me I'm going to knock the shit out of you cripple or not!"

I looked through the curtains, they were standing on either side of the table and suddenly the guy grabbed the edge and flung the table out of the way sending glasses tumbling and shattering to the floor then he walked towards Santiago.

"And I'll say it one more time, the deal was finished. You have got the price that was mutually agreed. You better look for someone else to pull bullshit. I'm gonna give you til the count of three, to get your lousy, lying, lowdown, carcass out my door!"

That was clearly my cue to end the god damn party!

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He hauled off to punch Santiago in his face, but Santiago was faster, he dodged the blow and the guy's fist slammed into the wall behind him.

Apparently, I had underestimated the son of a gun. He made use of the surprise effect, grabbed the arm of the guy, twisted it on his back and gained control within a second. He managed to push the guy against the wall face first. Santiago would surely frisk him for guns, but as he tried the guy kicked against Santiago's leg and freed himself from Santiago's grip. Santiago lost his balance and fell to the ground.

Anger and hate rose up in me but I forced myself to keep calm and concentrated, studying my enemy's strategy. Now he was in trouble. 

Eventually, I stood face to face with the intruder. The guy had short red hair; he was one head taller than me and looked thoroughly fit. As a dealer he was anything but an easy opponent. He spoke with a Russian accent; I haven't heard his name yet.

"Hey! You asshole! What you want here? Need a lesson as well? You ought not mess with me. I'm dangerous." He laughed a little as he turned, either he thought that I wasn't a worthy adversary or he wanted to emphasize that he was superior.

I never wasted my time and impeded myself with such ego bullshit like the Russian did. The biggest weakness from these bragging macho assholes is that they usually over estimate themselves. 

The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and no one cares how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you’re hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.

"You heard him. He owes you nothing!" I exclaimed, walking straight towards the guy while pointing down to Santiago.

"Oh yeah? Why are you interfering in our affairs? How old are you?" He looked down at me disparagingly. I kept an eye on his hands and scrutinized him thoroughly. He wore casual yet expensive clothes and no jewelry. His silk sports jacket was ill fitting, so I couldn't see if he carried a gun under it. I remained vigilant, his movements would alert me to strike hard or to draw my gun.

"It's pointless to tell you about it, you probably can't count that high, dumbass! As long as you attack my friend, I'm coming to attack you."

Surely the day will not end with more than a little spilled blood.

Just before the smirking expression could turn back to his grim visage I punched him directly in his face. The first blow met his chin and the smile on his face disappeared in an instant. He stood straight, his eyes bulging with rage and stared at me. 

"You're headed for lots of trouble, punk!" He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt and exposed his muscular lower arms.

The next two blows landed on his face and his upper body before he could talk further. Santiago's dealers were vermin from the dockside; they were deadly and cold as ice. Conversation with them was pointless. Change only comes when their blood spills.

He didn't fall though, the guy was tough.

"Watch out Blade!" I heard Santiago's voice shouting and was distracted for a short moment. He crawled on the floor towards the corner bench, trying to reach his crutches. Just then, the guy hit my face and my head fell to the side immediately. Blood splashed out of my mouth and it felt like my jawbone could have broken. I heard a crackling sound in my mouth and I tasted blood a few seconds later.

Pain stung my cheek but that was alright 'cause I like the way it hurt...

I spit out blood and one of my lateral incisors. The guy was too consumed with his own pains that he couldn't rejoice over the blow. I had to step back a bit to kick him, but he suddenly drew a knife and threw it at me. I heard the material of my shirt ripping and felt the sharp blade cutting into my upper arm. At the same moment my shoe hit his stomach at maximum force and he crashed to the floor.

Drops of sweat had built up on my forehead and dropped down. The familiar smell of blood stung my nose. I could feel wetness on my chin as blood seeped out my mouth and dropped down on my shirt but I didn't pay attention to it.

The kick had caused the Russian to drop the knife and Santiago got a hold of it before he could. The Russian’s lower arm was bleeding from cuts sustained from the broken glass all over the floor. He breathed heavily and I could see there were little drops of blood splashing out of his mouth as well.

"My, how the tables have turned..." I ascertained and grabbed a chair to put it over him so I could handcuff him.

"You may have won the battle, dude, but you lost the war." He replied choking and let me know that it wasn't over yet.

"Be careful Blade! He has a gun!" Santiago pulled himself up with one of his crutches to a chair situated in the corner of the room. This time his warning was no distraction, I saw the guy actually grab for a pistol that was hidden in the side of his waistband. At that moment it was a game of luck.

Who would draw quicker, me or him? It was a matter of life or death.

But, I was wrong instead of aiming his pistol at me, he aimed it at Santiago. I had expected that he would want to shoot me down, but apparently his beef with Santiago was more of a priority. I hadn't planned to shoot the guy dead but I had to decide in a second what to do.

Santiago or the guy? The guy or Santiago? Life or death.

My guilt... for eternity...


	57. Chapter 57

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Blade

"Don't do it Blade!" Santiago's threatening voice sounded in my ears. I knew in this moment that he didn't want me to pull the trigger but I couldn't allow that the guy killed him. I just couldn't. The Russian looked at Santiago with no sign of regret in his eyes until the last seconds.

Pop!

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A frontal head shot into the forehead of the Russian killed him and his head fell back with his last breath. The shot was loud, so loud that I was sure that Taylor must have heard it. Even though Santiago and I were used to this noise, it sounded louder than I remembered. The last time I shot a man was at least a year and a half ago.

I had killed a man in self defense. Although I probably couldn't really consider it self-defense because his last act was his plans to shoot Santiago.

Silently, I stood there for a while and stared down at his dead body. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I couldn't say if it was right or wrong what I had done, I just didn't want my best friend to get killed though. Animals like me act instinctively.

But the worst thing for me was that I couldn't even say that I felt anything. It felt like I was already dead, my body was here only to get some unfinished tasks done. I just felt numb and it was horrible.

"You killed him." Santiago was on his feet again and came to me with his crutches.

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"Yes Red." I wasn't even aware that I called him by his code name which he actually never wanted to hear again, not since his accident. It was a habit that I was too lazy to break.

This murder just loaded even more guilt on a soul that already carried so much. The consequences for his deed were unknown. ‘Cause I was in the war again in which every battle could be the last and I don’t think I was winning anymore.

Maybe I should lie there on the floor... would my debt be settled then?

"Give me the damn pistol!" Santiago took my gun out of my hand before I could answer him. He went to one of the glass cabinets, took another pistol out of it and then took a small cardboard box with cartridges out of a hidden drawer and handed both to me.

"Now clear out! The cops will be here any moment!" He tossed my back pack in my direction.

"What?"

"I will tell them that I did it. You have to protect your brother. Scram!" He took a cloth and began to wipe away my fingerprints from my old pistol.

"Red... I...I can't do that..."

"I said you should piss off soldier, didn't you listen to me?! Go and protect Taylor! If something happens to him, I’ll rip your balls off." He shouted at me now very angrily. But I knew that once the cops were here and they interrogated him, they will snoop around and for sure they will search his bar thoroughly. They would want to know what the argument was about and if they found the cocaine, he would go to jail, even if they believed he killed him in self defense.

There was no time to consider it. The cops would be here any moment.

I had saved Santiago, but because he wanted to take the responsibility for my deed I felt more hatred toward myself. I didn't want to run away. I wanted to turn myself to the police and atone for my offence but Taylor was waiting for me outside in my car and he needed my protection.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I could do only one thing in return for Santiago in this moment and that might help him if I was lucky.

Without a request I went to the overthrown table and opened the drawer on the side, the silver metal box was sitting inside; the box contained the drugs that he sold.

I took the box out of it and stored it quickly away in my back pack. Santiago sat silently on the floor in front of the guy that I had shot, my gun in his hand, staring blankly into space. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I put on my back pack, then went over to him and laid my hand on his shoulder but I didn't say anything.

We didn't need words to speak how we felt at that moment. It doesn't matter how it looks to other people. If it is something you gotta do, then you do it. Soldier's fight.

"I'm going to take the coke with me so that the cops won't find it," I eventually said. He didn't reply, I didn't know what he thought. He probably imagined that I had the urge to take some cocaine. But it was neither the time nor the right moment to think about it. Taking the drugs with me was a chance to spare him jail time.

When I turned away and hurried towards the exit I felt like a fucking coward.

Manolo was still hidden behind the bar. He had to hold Bandito tightly because he wanted to follow me as I hurried out of the bar. I could already hear the police sirens in the distance. Quickly, I ran to my car, unlocking the door shortly before I reached it. I snatched the door open, threw my back pack in the backseat, despite the two extra pounds or so of cocaine and got in the seat.

Within a few seconds I started the engine, pushed the pedal to the ground and steered the car as fast as possible into the business traffic.

"Are you okay Taylor?" I gasped, my hands were sweaty. My chin and shirt were soaked in blood but I neither had the time nor the interest in caring about myself.

The injuries weren't that bad, so I wouldn't need the hospital. I knew my body and where my limits were. Taylor looked distraught when I looked at him though. He had put the necklace with my dog tags on it around his neck; his pale fingers were clasping the silver metal.

"No the fuck I'm not okay! I feel like I have died a thousand deaths since I heard the shot inside. Are you hurt?" His voice was panicky and frightened.

"I'm okay," I said to reassure him. I’m the bodyguard. It's my job to be fine, right?

Taylor shook his head. He knew I was far from fine.

"No you are not okay, you look horrible. What happened? Where did all the blood come from?" Taylor was going mad and hysterical when I tried to down play my injuries. I didn't want to cause him to worry but it didn't work. He took his bag, rummaged in it and pulled some handkerchiefs out of it.

We exchanged glances and I could read in his expression that he didn't agree with what was going on. Taylor took my chin in his hand and began to wipe away the blood as if I was a child that just got hurt in an accident. When he did that my eyes landed on the rearview mirror because Taylor was holding my chin in that direction.

As I saw my reflection I could see the hate, disgust and pure sadness in my eyes.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

All I saw was a confused, depressed stranger who lost his sense of purpose. I averted my eyes quickly back to the road, because I couldn't bear my own reflection.

What doesn't kill you fucks you up mentally...

"I shot the guy," I confessed to him. I've never been good when it came to lying.

"You WHAT? Are you crazy?" Taylor let go off my chin and stared at me appalled. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"He would have killed Santiago, if I had not done it."

"Are he and Bandito okay?"

"Yeah. No one else is hurt."

"What now?"

"Santiago will clarify everything with the police. He will tell them that he done it and that it was an act of self defense."

"That is not right Zac. You can't walk around and shoot other people! 

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We are not in the wild west!" He exclaimed and glared at me like I was a serial killer. Mine and Taylor's relationship was weird sometimes. At first, I had to do my job and then I was reprimanded by my older brother afterwards for what I had done. Why is everything I do wrong?

Anyway! The fact that Taylor didn't like what I had done was one of the smallest problems at the moment. My thoughts were still with Santiago and what would happen to him. It was unclear if they would believe him and it was also not clear if they would find any finger prints from me. It didn't matter what happened to me as long as I knew that Santiago and Taylor survived. 

"Should I have simply watched as the guy killed Santiago and do absolutely nothing?!? Man's got a right to protect his friend and his life, and I ain't lettin' no drug dealer take it. But if you had known a better solution, don't hesitate to tell me what you would have done."

"I'm sorry... I don't know. Don't you feel sorry for what you have done? How do you endure it?"

"Ain't nothing that brings peace." I said in my usual calm tone without looking at him. I had no idea what Taylor would think of me after he came to know what a unfeeling, cold asshole I had become, but I just couldn't bring myself to lie to him.

Still, I felt like a piece of shit. Taylor had no idea how much I hated myself. But after he poured out his soul to me about his feeling of shame, it was only fair that I also confessed honestly how I felt. No matter what he thought of me afterwards.

"Do you think it's right what you have done?" Taylor sounded sincere and worried about me.

"I honestly gave up thinking about it." I answered in the same tone. Meanwhile, the police sirens were out of earshot and I steered us onto the highway to Pasadena. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Talk to me Zac!" Taylor looked at me demanding, waiting for me to talk. My cheek began to throb and the cut on my arm burned a little. Soldiers learn to stay calm, partly indifferent, detached and emotionless during fights. The awareness of the pain usually comes later.

Now, that I wasn't running on adrenaline anymore because we had left the bar far behind us, I began to feel the physical pains but that was only a drop in the bucket compared to what I really deserved.

"What do you want to hear?"

"I want to know why you are so indifferent about yourself."

It was new to me that someone cared about what was going on with me. Santiago and I usually preferred to keep personal subjects like these to ourselves, all the more since the accident with his leg. I guess both of us thought that we had to deal with our feelings alone. We were both not big talkers when it came to things like that. Usually, I kept it all inside because I rather let the pain destroy me than someone from my family.

Taylor was different though. Apparently, not telling him what was going on would not be satisfying him and even though I didn't know how to explain it I appreciated his concern. No, I couldn't be mad with him for reprimanding me. Knowing someone cares is better than no one showing any concern at all.

"You have seen that Santiago has only one leg?"

"Yes." He nodded. 

"He had an accident. It... it was my fault that he lost his leg." 

When I felt a lump in my throat I took my sunglasses from the dashboard and put them on. Even though I could keep my feelings under control, I didn't want anyone to see the pain in my eyes that still felt like an open wound. A wound that hurt so much more than any physical pains that the Russian dealer caused to me.

"Is Santiago the reason you became my bodyguard?"

"Basically yes."

Taylor was an intelligent guy. He had put the pieces together without needing many explanations. Carefully, he laid his hand above mine after my confession and gently stroked my fingers.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Will you tell me what happened when you are ready for it Zachary?" he asked with a soft voice. My brother had more empathy than I had expected. He was right that I was anything but in the mood to talk about Santiago's accident right now. I just shot a man dead and even though he wasn't the first one, to kill someone is always something that does not leave you untouched. I can physically feel it. It has an effect on my whole body.

"I promise I will."

If I wanted to or not, I had to push the incident to the back of my mind and to focus on the present, to protect Taylor which was not only my job, it was also the most important thing to me.

I couldn't look back. The present demanded my full attention. I had to think about who might be Taylor's stalker. The only thing that the police and I knew was that the person was a guy.

Behind gate number one we have Taylor's cop friend with the dumb name who didn't like me. Granted, he didn't get the best impression from me, but his behavior showed that Taylor mattered to him. This could be good or bad.

Gate number two was Skye who doted on me and stuck to the sole of my shoes like dog shit. Still, I had come to know him, unfortunately. He was in the house the night I burned my old belongings, but when the stalker hurt Bandito yesterday, Taylor had been with him and the cop.

If I was naive, I probably wouldn't believe that their behavior had a deeper meaning but I didn't trust anyone except Santiago, so basically to me everybody is suspicious.

Then there was Detective Touchy who was too lazy to come and examine the blood note on the floor but was nice to me even though he didn't know me which was weird for me. Usually a detective does not leave notes this way though.

It was also possible that I had met the stalker, for example the aggressive paparazzi from the barber's shop, or perhaps it was someone from Taylor's past whom I didn't know and haven't met. Within the last nine years, he's surely talked to or come in contact with countless people anyone of which could be his stalker.

"Taylor, now that we are on the way back I find it important to talk about your stalker. Did you recently become friends with anyone lately or did any strange occurrence happen before me met?"

"No, I already told the police that there is no one who comes into question for that. Of course I became friends with lots of people within the last years, people with whom I worked on my albums or wrote songs. But I can't imagine that one of them is capable of doing something like that. I hope that the surveillance video was useful for the police, I want them to catch that criminal who did that."

Taylor sounded angry and determined when he ended. It was good that he found his purposefulness back; the lack of food had weakened him so much that in the end he didn't even have the strength to walk anymore and vegetated beside me like a delicate, fragile porcelain doll.

"I hope so too Taylor," I replied and squeezed his hand firmly in mine.


	58. Chapter 58

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Taylor:

The situation between Zac and I was becoming more insane the longer we were together. Zachary's indifference was a heavy burden. I didn't how to get him out of his way of life. We hadn't even been together three days and he had already beaten up a paparazzi, badly insulted a woman and he just shot a man dead on top of that. The thought of Zachary being dead was at the forefront of my thoughts when I heard the shot. The sound had cut right through me.

Santiago seemed to be a good and loyal friend to him but Zac's criminal way of life was discouraging and unsettling. If he continued living this way and keep this lifestyle, I doubt he will get reach his next birthday.

Since I had my strength back and left the awkwardness between us behind, I felt that I had to undertake responsibility for what was going on. Right now, I knew one thing for sure; I had to put an end of this insanity as soon as possible.

The longer we were together, the harder it was to think about an upcoming separation. It felt like we had met each other after so many years so that we could clarify and solve everything that burdened us from our past. Now that Zachary knew how much I cared for him, I felt that our time had to come to an end.

Zachary's way of life was not safe for him and my way of life wasn't currently safe either. But still, to see what was going to happen when Zachary worked for me was something I just couldn't allow. He looked horrible when he jumped into the car and drove us away from the bar. Blood was smeared all over his chin and the collar of his shirt. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I had no idea what happened, Zac and the guy must have had a chaotic argument before he killed him.

Not only that, Zachary seemed to be on a direct path to destroying himself without caring what happened. The worst part of this was probably his self destructive personality and his I don't give a damn about anything attitude.

I had no idea if our separation would make anything better, but I had to put an end of this situation before the next time, where he could have been beaten worse or even killed.

To see the blood on Zac's face made me feel absolutely convinced that I couldn't let us proceed like this.

Zachary didn't seem to care if he got hurt or killed but I couldn't watch him proceed on this path! My lap was full of handkerchiefs that were soaked with blood from my little brother.

This insanity had to stop! It was about time to take the reins.

"Do you have any more injuries Zachary?" I asked genuinely concerned.

"I have a cut on my arm," he said, although his voice was sounding slightly different in a way.

"Why do you speak so weirdly?"

"I lost a lateral incisor." he whistled and exposed a gap, where his tooth was supposed to be as he looked at me.

"Stop the car!"

"We are on the damn highway Taylor."

"You can stop the car for a short moment on the side of the road. From now on I accept responsibility and I want you to pull over now!"

Zachary steered the car to the side and slowed down.

"I think we should drive to a doctor first. You need a check up."

"I don't need to go to a doctor Taylor. It's Saturday and they aren't open anyway."

"Then we should drive to a hospital!"

"Because of a lost tooth? It's not necessary Taylor. Really. You have dressing material at home with which I can treat the wound on my arm. It is not even a deep cut."

I was unsatisfied and irritated. I knew that Zachary had never been a whiner or sorrowful guy, but that he didn't want to tend to his injuries and that he seemed not to care about it was something I didn't like.

"Are you vaccinated against tetanus?"

Basically it was a stupid question 'cause when he served in the army he should have been vaccinated against a lot of things, but with Zac's indifference it wouldn't surprise me if he wasn't.

"Yeah. I'm a vaccinated animal!" he smirked a little, probably to cheer me up and reminded me of a pirate the way he looked with his gap tooth. He and Jack Sparrow had some similarities, they both had crazy hair, and a big mouth which had no scruples to tell other people what they thought of them.

However, I would imagine that my parent in laws wouldn't like if I was late on the stipulated time but Zac's injuries had more priority to me.

"You will go directly to the dentist on Monday! Okay?!"

"Okay, if you think so." He sighed. "What now? Do you not want to go home anymore?" He asked after bringing the car to a standstill.

"I will drive the rest of the way. Your arm is hurt."

"It's not that bad enough that I can't drive anymore!"

"I don't want you to drive with it anyway! I will drive us home and as soon as we're home you will take an icepack to your cheek."

"Okay. Do you feel strong enough to drive?"

"Yes I do." I nodded and climbed out of the car. The bloody wadded handkerchiefs fell out of my lap and I watched them fall into a ditch beside the road.

I couldn't see any more blood...

We changed our seats and I quickly drove us away before we would get a ticket. Yes I was feeling better and I knew that I needed my strength for the things that were ahead of me. Since Nat's mother Pam had called me I was struggling about how to explain what happened to their daughter, but not only that.

How do I explain to my parents and brother in law that the new bodyguard at my side was my little brother?

Aside from the awkwardness, they probably would believe that I had lost my sanity completely now. Especially when they see Zac standing by my side with a blood smeared shirt. His injuries made the decision for me even harder. I had no idea what they would think of me.

Maybe they would think they can ring the funny farm because of my carelessness. It was anything but easy to deal with.

But I couldn't run away from everything in life. I had to deal with the situation no matter how Nat's family dealt with it. 'Cause it was something that I owed Zachary, to show him that he was my brother no matter what his appearance was.

I didn't plan to tell the public about it and I trusted Nat's family enough that I knew they wouldn't tell the public about it either. I didn't want to draw Twink Twink's attention to him as well.

Meanwhile he probably already knew that I hired a bodyguard. The recordings from outside the barber's shop were on national television and the media also made pictures of us when he brought me in the house yesterday evening after he picked me up from Skye and Andrew's home...

I didn't want Zachary coming into the focus of Twink Twink. That's why I had to find a way to cut our bond as soon as possible before something worse happened.

"I will tell Natalie's family about you Zac." I broke the silence after a while.

"Do you think that's a good idea?"

"I don't really know. But these days nothing seems to be normal anymore..." My voice trailed off in thoughts if my decision was the right thing. It teared my heart apart to leave him in this condition...

"You don't need to tell them about it if you're not ready Taylor. It's a decision you don't have to make alone, we can decide about it together."

"Thanks for the offer Zac. But I can't build up a whole net of lies around me."

"How will you tell them about it?"

"That's my business. I don't know how they will react but they deserve the truth and mostly you deserve the truth. I'm not going to run away this time."

"If you need me, you know where I am."

"Yeah I know, protective little brother. But I'm going to do this alone," I declared insistently. I just knew that it wouldn't be right to lie to Natalie's family. They just lost their daughter; the police and I were the only ones which could tell them what happened to her. They were my parents in law, so they were my family and Zachary was my family too. It wouldn't be right to exclude him from my family, just because I didn't know how to explain our situation. They didn't deserve to be lied too, not at this time and not at any other time.

"There's another thing we have to talk about before we are back, Taylor." Zachary suddenly piped up again and turned a little in my direction before he continued.

"Your Stalker left a note in blood on the floor in the living room the night I arrived." I immediately felt the shivers of goose bumps on my arms.

"What? When did you plan to tell me about that Zac?!?" The tone in my voice went three octaves higher because of irritation and horror.

"Actually, not before you gave me an explanation for your leaving Taylor. I didn't tell you because I know that you keep something from me, but I think it's important that you know how serious your situation is."

"Oh, I know how serious the situation is Zachary. I'm fully aware of that!" I snapped. Okay granted, I wasn't playing fair now, but the sudden news that my stalker was in my house at a same time I was, it was more than scary, it was beyond expression.

"How did that happen?"

"Well I burned my teenager belongings in the garden..."

"No you didn't..."

"I sure did. I was pretty pissed when you expected me to sleep in my old room surrounded my teenager belongings as if nothing ever happened. So I threw the stuff out the window and burned it because I couldn't bear to see it any longer. During this time your stalker sneaked behind me in the house. That person must have been quiet as a shadow. He used the blood from your wife to leave a note on the floor."

"My gosh..." was all I could utter. The news nearly threatened to pull the ground under me away again. To imagine that the stalker has been in my house while I was there was terrifying. Not only that, Zac was there too and Skye. My stalker managed it to sneak in the house even though Zachary was there. He was here to protect me and I've seen and experienced that he was capable to do his job, but I also knew that no one was unbeatable and the news that my stalker was able to sneak into the house without Zac's notice just convinced me even more that my decision about the separation was the right one. The situation was not safe for both of us. When he was in the garden burning stuff maybe the fire covered the noise that the intruder made. But what if he had killed me, Zac, Skye, or all of us that night?

"Is that the reason why you came into my bedroom that night to check if I was still alive?"

"Yeah."

"I will tell you what happened back then Zac." I stated, to let him know that I haven't forgotten what I owed him. I knew that I was playing with Zachary's bond of impatience which has never been very long. In this case, it was understandable though that he didn't want to wait any longer. But I had formed a plan in mind how I wanted to tell him the truth. In my own way. The Taylor way.

"I don't think so." Zac shook his head.

"What? Why do you believe that?" I frowned at him, a little surprised about his reaction.

"Maybe some things are not meant to be told." He replied vacuous as if he had already gave up hope that he would ever came to known what happened back then. His eyes were empty and his expression was unreadable like the tone in his voice but I sensed how sad he must be and it made me sad as well.

"Not in that case Zac. We will talk after the meeting with my parents in law. I promise you will get the truth before the day is over. Okay?"

Zac sighed heavily and didn't reply. He seemed to have no hope for anything. I didn't know how to deal with that. Sure, I couldn't blame him that he didn't like my decision. Maybe if he said anything at the moment, it would be exactly that. Yet he kept silent; his glances were attentively alternating between the traffic and me, always checking if we were being followed.

I wasn't able to focus on anything else other than what he just told me. My fingers nervously tapped on the steering wheel.

"From now on, I demand to be fully informed about everything!" I ordered and gave him a serious look.

Basically, it was pointless. Because, one, I knew that it was my fault that we didn't have a good start, second, I planned to get rid of Zac as soon as possible anyway and third, the news didn't change anything about the current situation which was so serious that my heart was pounding faster just to think of it.

It felt to me like everyone in my company was on a death list.

At first, my parents then my wife and my baby and Zachary was probably the next one if he stayed with me. Everyone in my company slipped through my hands like sand that I couldn't grasp and it ended in a big lake of blood.

I was swimming in blood because of guilt for the death of my parents and probably my wife and my baby too. Yeah, I lived in a nightmare of blood...

If Zachary stayed with me, he would be the next person on this death list...

"You demand Taylor, you expect me to be considerate towards everyone and you think I have no manners, but what do you do in return aside from your expectations and tries to change me? You're not the only person who would like to be fully informed about everything. But for your info I've called the police about the note, they are informed about it."

His voice was very distant all of a sudden. Somehow I felt the more we talked the more it felt like we were getting strangers again. I tried my best to ignore his reproaching question and hoped things wouldn't escalate between us before I was ready to talk to him. I knew that I was playing an unfair game. How could I blame him for something that shouldn't be even his job? I didn't know how to answer his questions without making him mad. Maybe Zac was right and there was nothing I could do for him, but that he would survive was always at the forefront of my thoughts.

Furthermore, there was something that worried me. He was honest with me but there was something that did not fit into the picture. I knew that I couldn't expect him to do a great job because of how he felt I treated him before and I didn't blame him for his anger but from what I have experienced after that he always did his job very well and didn't let emotions affect him to the point of him not being aware of any dangerous situations. Something didn't sit right with me and I didn't kow what it was. He had self defense skills and he was also very smart. I had seen that with my own eyes that he was capable of doing this job, why wasn't he that specific night? Even though I didn't know if it still mattered or if it mattered at all because I didn't plan to keep him, I couldn't help myself to be confused about that.

I kept silent for a long while because I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to hurt Zac, I didn't want to make him believe that I thought he wasn't capable of this job but still, I wasn't able to shrug off the worries and doubts.

There was another thing about that incident of which I was glad about. As weird as it may sound Zac's decision to not tell me about that incident immediately kept us together. Because if he done it, what would have happened then? At that time, we didn't trust each other, he hated me and I was afraid of him. If he had confronted me about the incident earlier, surely our paths would have separated already and he would have never came to known that I still loved and cared about him.

It would have given me a reason to tell him to leave, maybe also a reason to tell him that he wasn't capable of doing this job, because he was a stranger to me that I didn't trust. That's why I internally was glad that he didn't tell me at that time in which I wasn't receptive for anything either way.

His silence kept us together and gave me the chance to show him that I still care. There were still some things I needed to know from him though.

"What was it? I haven't seen a note on the floor in the living room." I frowned at him. Zac pulled Natalie's cell out of his pants pocket and showed me the photo he made.

It said "Please forgive me Taylor. Love Twink Twink."

My stalker apologized to me for the murder of my poor wife and innocent baby and used their blood for it. It was morbid and grotesque! 

I got angry as I thought of that and this time I was glad about it. At least my anger suppressed my fear...

"Bandito licked it away."

"What the hell? How could you let him do that? That is so gross!" I exclaimed dramatically as I steered the car into the entryway of our home.

"He is a fucking dog Taylor. That's what dogs do. If it makes you feel better you can give me me the asshole card because of that. Maybe you can imagine that I also wasn't delighted when you thought that I tied you to your bed with criminal background reasons."

I gave in. I didn't want to fight with Zac. It wouldn't help us to reproach each other for things that happened during a time when he had all rights to be mad with me. Actually, he still had. No matter if he knew the truth or not...

It wasn't his fault that I had a sick stalker and I should vent out my anger toward Twink Twink and not on my little brother who was put under the pressure of walking in my shoes...

"You're right. Let's forget that." I gave in. Zachary's words had made me feel guilty again. I knew that I shouldn't forget that this situation was unfair situation for him. He was there for me even though I had let him wait nine years for an explanation. I played with his feelings and that had come to an end like the insane job he did for me.

I slowed down and parked the car in the driveway near the front door. Several cars were already present, two were police cars, one was Skye's and one was a rental I assumed that was Natalie's parents. They were already there. I wasn't ready yet...

Scrutinizing, I looked at myself in the rear view mirror, searching for flaws and things that I didn’t like about my appearance. The media and fans always said to me "What a pretty boy you are!" I remember when I was a teenager and someone complimented me and gave me attention, I would feel confident and on top of the world. As I focused even more on my looks and on how others perceived me as I became older Mom and Dad helped me to keep my feet on the ground. 

I had done everything to appear well-groomed and respectful in every way for my in laws. I felt clean and better since I ate something and my new suit looked scrupulously correct. Internally, I still felt fear and nervousness though. While I had been well-dressed and well-mannered, fitting in perfectly to the ideal setting of the upper class neighbourhood looked Zachary in his crumpled grunge style exhausted, yet he appeared totally relaxed. A feature I could envy him for already in younger days. No matter how physically demanding something was, he always kept that balanced, relaxed look on him as if nothing could knock his socks off. The way he almost lay out stretched in his seat did not really make him look like a security guard. 

A passing stranger would probably not have thought that he differed from other people. Middle class employee, middle class income, an average American. The only thing which gave a hint that my brother Zachary Walker Hanson alias Blade Leon Caziano was someone else than the stiff hard workers in this part of the town was the gun hidden somewhere in his waistband and the stains of blood on his jacket and shirt from a fight about a half hour ago.

We probably gave kind of an odd picture together. If Skye was here now, I would ask him to give my temples a massage before we headed inside. 

I sighed. I had to collect myself. I had something on my mind about which I wanted to talk with Zachary personally, because I never knew if this was the last opportunity to do it. So I pulled my own cell phone out of my pocket and opened the web browser. Considering Zac's anger towards me, I doubted that he occupied himself with the development of my career and articles about me. 

Maybe, I could show him one last time that I cared for him, so I would show him the efforts of my search for him...

"What are you doing?"

"Give me a minute," I answered him, scrolling through a few search results until I found an interview with an article about me in which I told the public that I searched my brother.

"Here," I said and gave him my cell to read the article. He took it from me and read it silently.

"I want you to know that I searched for you and that I did not give up hope in finding you Zac." I said.

"Why do you tell me about this now?"

"Because I want you to know how important you are for me and how much I care about you." I said and looked at him as he remained silent. I was about to ask him what he was thinking as he finally opened his mouth to answer.

"It's good to get to know that you haven't forgotten me Taylor, but it had taken almost 1,5 years until I finished my education in the army and  
got my code name. Nearly 1,5 years in which you had time to contact me Taylor. Can you imagine how a sixteen year old teenager feels when he has no one to talk to and doesn't even know why and what he has done? So excuse me when I have no sense for those proofs nowadays anymore." He shoved the cell back to me, his tone was frustrated. I knew that it was because that sorrow wasn't new for him. I couldn't blame him that he didn't want to deal with it again, he must have suffered long enough because of me.

I wanted to apologize to him but I felt it wasn't the right time. Maybe there would be never a right time for us anymore...  
Zac didn't seem to be in the mood anymore to talk, but I didn't want to waste any time which I might regret later.

"This situation is not safe for us Zac. Not for you and not for me."

"I know. Feeling safe is a luxury I can't afford either way." He shrugged and reminded me what a smart ass my little brother was.

"Why didn't you see the stalker going in the house that night when you were in the garden? Was it only the emotions that affected you or was there something else?"

I just couldn't keep my doubts inside; something in his story just did not fit right to me. I did not get the impression from him that he would let emotions affect him so much that he wasn't aware of the danger when a situation became alarming and life threatening.

"You are planning to get rid of me either way. So why the fuck does it matter?" He frowned back at me as he spoke out loud what I couldn't say to him, at least not this way. 

"I did not say goodbye to you yet."

"That wasn't necessary." He replied tonelessly. Both of us diverted our eyes from each other in the same moment like strangers we were about to become.

It seemed it was all I could expect him to say about it and I had to accept it. Although his answer wasn't revealing, I sensed that I couldn't push him anymore. Zachary had done more for me than I could have expected from him. Maybe we just reached the point where he was done giving and I done taking.

"I don't want to fight with you Zac. Not in this time." I said softly, hoping he would reply my look.

"Me neither." He sighed heavily.

When we were children and we were sad, scared or angry our Mom used to cheer us up while talking with us about our favorite things and wishes.

"What would you like to do now if you could choose?" I asked, hoping he would get my hint.

"Go home. Get in bed. Watch Spiderman." He said without thinking.

I smiled some. Mom's trick still worked.

"What would you do?" He asked and looked over to me now. I thought about it for a moment before I answered him.

"I think I would like to lie in the tree house with you just like we did back then and talk about all kind of things."

"We can do that later if you want."

"No we can't."

"Why not?"

"The ladder is still broken, at least one or two rungs of it."

"You didn't fix it?"

"I tried..." I blushed. "I still have a scar from hammering a nail right in my finger. I'm a little clumsily with technical things, unfortunately."

"I will fix it. I was the one who broke it anyway." He answered. I was about to reply something but we heard Skye coming down the front stairs.

"There comes the cocksucker." Zachary groaned irritated, announcing the return of his sarcasm with Skye's appearance.

"Come on Zac, don't be rude."

"Why not? He has deserved it."

"Honestly, I'm also not delighted to see him right now. We had an argument yesterday, but I'm sure we can solve this; it's not that much of a deal. So could you please at least pretend to be nice to him?"

"No. I don't hide behind a mask. I am who I am."


	59. Chapter 59

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Blade:

The depression came back when Taylor and I arrived in homo town. I was frustrated about our brotherly situation. We didn't seem to be making any progress and it was depressing to me. This game between Taylor and I was over before it began. He had already internally closed the book of us and now it was just a matter of time on how long we would remain together.

But how long could this state be bearable for both of us?

It made me sad that Taylor seemed to be torn and undecided about a lot of things, though there was one thing he seemed to be sure of throughout the whole time, which was to get rid of me.

For the second time in my life he wanted to run away from me. Sure, I fully accept that we all have the right to our own opinion and we both felt differently. I knew that I couldn't compare this time with our past, because this time he wanted to leave me because of the danger my job brought with it.

I did not plan to try to convince Taylor to keep me; I did not plan to beg him or to manipulate him in any way. That might be Skye's style, but not mine. I wouldn’t whine like a retarded and pathetic crybaby that begged for his older brother’s acceptance, that’s just not me. I didn't intend to depress anyone with that typical cliché shit.

But still, I couldn't help but be frustrated and depressed about the whole situation. For a short while I had felt that we could both get used to the situation, not just me. We were both caught between a rock and a hard place because we didn't want to be separated from each other, but we did what each of us thought was the right thing.

There was a time when our parents were still alive where we used to be young, wild and free. Now we were older, sad and depressed.

Taylor still left me in the darkness, without telling me truth of the secret he kept inside for so long and the only thoughts about us I could have were;

When would he finally stop fucking with my feelings? What did it mean to have a brother, but no hope? To lose a brother but never experience justice... Were we all here for the wrong reasons?

Unlike back then, this time I knew that Taylor was planning to leave me and the feelings of loss which I never wanted to experience again were back. I knew that without me it was possible that Taylor would have never found his will to life again, but my feelings were bound to get hurt.

Maybe Taylor thought that I could deal with being alone better than he could because I have never been a people person anyway. Taylor was famous and had many friends; I doubted he would ever be lonely.

I had never chosen to be without my family. People who don't socialize much aren't actually anti-social; they just have no tolerance for drama and fake people.

Apparently, I would soon return to my old life. The only thing was I didn't look forward to it anymore...

Taylor was smart enough to figure out that there was a gap in the story I told him. After his rejection at the job interview a few days ago I didn't think that I would ever see him again nor to accept this job at that time when I sniffed a line for the last time.

Added to this, I wasn't sure if his trust in me was strong enough to withstand the news that I was a drug addict. In my position everything I do could impact Taylor's life and he had to trust me and I couldn't risk losing that trust. I could imagine that he had doubts and worries because of my incomplete story, but it was still better than to lose his trust in one dash.

Currently Taylor's nerves and his trust in me are like an icy surface that threatened to give in at any time and I always had to be careful on what to say to him to not risk breaking this fragile surface.

Jeeze... now I sound like Taylor!

Honestly, I also didn't really see a point in telling him about it because we would soon become the strangers again that we use to be. I didn't reproach Taylor that he didn't want me to die, but he shouldn't have expected me do this job and my consideration without any intention to keep me. In the end I would feel only hurt again in the same way as before, if not only more. Because this time, I felt cheated too.

I became more frustrated. I knew I wasn't fine. Fuck pretending, nothing was okay, it never was. Still, the more I had to think about our separation the more I got depressed.

A part of me had hoped that Taylor and I could get through this together, that we would stick together... unlike back then. That we could defy the danger if we stayed together, that we would do better this time unlike the helpless, confused teenagers we were back then...

But I always knew this wasn't going to happen. We will not cross the line together.

Because of all this shit, I had no idea how to fill the hole in my heart other than with sex and drugs. I wanted to have sex with Chantal. There was something sexy about that woman. Because I was lonely. Also, I couldn't get Santiago out of my mind. I wondered what happened to him. Had he gone to jail for something I had done?

I missed to have Bandito around me. Maybe just because I was lonely. I wanted somebody to want me to fuck them. Maybe that would have filled the nothingness inside of me, but probably not.

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Sometimes I think I have already felt everything I'm ever gonna feel. And from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I've already felt. I felt so empty and numb and the urge for some cocaine was the only thing that was left. You know, drugs may kill you but they never break your heart...

I couldn't persuade myself that things would get better, that there was hope that Taylor would ever change his mind. I'm too realistic for unreal hopes and wishes like that. Sometimes you can't choose what stays and what fades away.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It ended all in one thing; I would soon be alone again.

Now my best friend has probably been arrested, because he took responsibility for my guilt while sick stalker like Twinko Weirdo and hypocrites like Skye walked around freely.

Unnecessary to mention that that chatterbox milkface was pretty much the last thing I needed right now. I watched him walking over to the driver's side of the window like a rent boy who intended to negotiate with his john. As he began to talk with Taylor I could detect the carefulness and guilt in his tone.

"Hey Taylor, it's nice to see you both again..."

"Hey Skye." Taylor sounded a little distant and Skye looked even guiltier at him.

"Are you still mad with me?"

"No, I'm not. But let's talk about that later together once my parents in law are gone, okay?"

Why did you lie Taylor? Why?

I watched Taylor putting his hands on Skye's; he probably lied so as not to hurt him. But still, it disappointed me a little that he lied in this simple situation. Was he too afraid to say the truth?

It seemed that Taylor lied to keep up his friendship with Skye which showed that Taylor had a big heart for other people. A bigger heart than I had. Still, it was disappointing to me that honesty didn’t seem to have priority in such a simple situation.

If Taylor was the one who protected me, I immediately knew that I could never feel safe around him because of that. It would be a very depressing situation for both of us.

How can you rely on someone, trust someone of whom you know that honesty holds no priority for that person?

I couldn't tell if I was analyzing the current situation too much, but analyzing my surroundings and other people's behavior was an important part of my job.

I zipped up my leather jacket to hide the blood on my shirt and Taylor put the necklace with my dog tags under the collar of his button down shirt. It was probably our instincts to hide these items so that no one bothered to ask unnecessary questions about them. We always had to be careful because paparazzi could be hidden anywhere and take photos of us. Taylor probably also hid the necklace because it didn’t fit with his suit.

After he had decently smoothed down his clothes we climbed out of the car. I took my back pack from the back seat and put it on, cinched the straps over my chest because of the heavy content I carried and locked the car doors. Then I turned around to register every noise and smell of my surroundings like usual. I heard the motor of a lawnmower from another house, noticed the hissing and smelled hamburgers from a neighbor's yard. I heard a dog barking from the other side of the road.

No media were here at the moment. Everything was normal.

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At least until Skye suddenly unleashed a high pitched screech into the atmosphere which destroyed the little moment of peace that apparently was too good to be true. I would recognize that earsplitting screech anywhere.

"Eee! You have new Prada shoes!" He squealed in a drawling tone, looking excitedly down at Taylor's feet.

Holy Shit! Do they prescribe medications for that kind of conniptions? Or maybe a exorcism that might help?

It's safe to say that it made my toe nails curl up and I am sure birds dropped dead from their trees in close proximity. I yawned in boredom that I almost got trismus. Too bad I was in take-no-prisoners mode...

Taylor nodded and smiled a little at him while I was still recovering from the echo stabbing at my eardrum... They kept talking for a moment and I heard that Skye wanted to talk with me before we go inside. I swear, I would smoke, snort, and inject anything I could find to get finally rid of that pest! Skye walked towards me stoop shouldered and stopped in a safe distance. He looked as though he was about to poop his gay designer pants as I glared at him menacingly.

"Hey Blade, can I talk to you?" He asked, innocently.

Chantal soaking wet in a string bikini, running down a sandy beach in slow motion couldn’t make me forget this pesky drag around my neck.

Okay, that was an outright lie. I just wanted to bring up the imagery.

My apologies.

"You are talking to me already, so better come to the point and stop wasting my time."

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I snapped, considering shoving the pain in my ass out of the way. He smiled a little at his achievement that I actually answered him while I plotted all of the fun and exciting ways to end his life to remain calm. There may be another death on my guilt list before the day is over. I’m too nice for my own good...

"I... I really had no idea that you are Taylor's baby brother when I persuaded you to work for him." He stuttered blushing.

I nearly threw my lunch up as I heard that. Fabulous. As if Skye's visage wasn't enough to bear...

"Baby brother? Listen milksop, I don't know which pedophile complex you are suffering from but more than two decades have passed by since I've been a baby brother. You better get out of my way and go back where you come from before I throw up on you!"

Anybody save me from this fucked up cliché world...

Taylor and Skye both looked speechless at me like I just insulted the president of the faggot's association.

Maybe I did. Did I? Who knows? Somehow I don’t think I’ll need that tidbit of info. At least, I pray on all that is holy that I never will.

I didn’t really care at the moment. Trust me, no one could be more bored about this never ending dispute than I was but that queer was still just one more thing to add to the "Why My Life Sucks" list.

Taylor came to me and pulled me aside after Skye walked away from me, making me regret that I missed another chance to stuff Skye's head where the sun don't shine. I tried thinking of Skye's funeral or something of that nature to keep a straight face. It irritated me that Taylor expected me to pretend to be nice to Skye. What the fuck was his problem that he couldn't deal with me the way I was?!?

"Don't be so damn rude Blade!" He hissed at me.

Apparently we just hit the rock bottom. I wanted to kill myself and Taylor was yelling about my manners...

"Don't you be such a fucking liar Taylor!" I proclaimed back at him.

"Oh I knew it. You are still mad with me, right?" I heard Skye's pathetic whimpering in the background. Apparently, he got what I meant. Maybe, there's still hope for his bimbo brain...

Taylor moaned irritated, rubbing his temples roughly. It was as if he was trying to make his pain go away by rubbing a hole through the sides of his skull. But he couldn't be more irritated than I was. Skye had hired me as Taylor's bodyguard even though he couldn't say if I was a trustworthy person. His reasons to hire me were obviously egoistical, and Taylor didn't know about Skye's intentions, but he forgave him anyway.

"This is exactly the primitive behavior which makes you a social outcast Blade." Taylor seemed to lose his patience which didn't happen very often and the pressure of the situation brought us back to hurt and insult each other. Unfortunately, in this society you are for many people an asshole when you are honest. My brutal honesty might make me unpopular, therefore it helps you to keep away the wrong people and not be taken in by the first available persons. Someone like Skye always reminded me why I preferred the company of my dog more than such people.

Why do some people think they can treat younger siblings like idiots because they think they wouldn't notice it? And then they wonder when they act like assholes. It's exactly because of shit like this.

However, no matter what people say, if I ever experience the same situation again I would not act different. I would never hide behind a mask. It's actually depressing what some people do just for courtesy.

I played the bastard. It was nothing new, really. I was used to it. Which is probably the most saddest thing you can hear someone say. But at least I was honest while Taylor lied for the peace.

"Fine." I'm not ashamed of who I am.

"Fine?" Taylor looked confused now. We just couldn't find the same level...

"Yeah. 'Cause, you know what? I'm rather be an honest outcast than a lying tag along!"

Taylor sighed and looked like he didn't know how to reply. I doubted that this argument would get us anywhere, but either Taylor dealt with me the way I was or it would never work between us.

"Why are you so damn hard?"

"Why do you imulate Skye's manner and try to manipulate me? That is pretty much the most lame and coward thing you can do Taylor."

"I just don't want you to talk so ordinary with my best friend!" Taylor defended Skye again.

"Oh that must be a damn fine friendship in which two guys cannot even trust each other. Fucking great fake friends you have Taylor." I snarled in Skye's direction. I just couldn't help but being protective over Taylor. From my impression I got from Skye, he was not a good company for him. He was a manipulator, a liar and obviously a cheater because he didn't stop trying to find a connection to me even though he was in a relationship with Eagle Fly. Taylor should have a better friend and manager than that.

When it's a matter of life and death his best friend should have not hired somebody whom he had a crush on.

How could he be a good manager for Taylor when he made decisions based on his biased view and manipulates people behind Taylor's back on top of that?!

Taylor's manager should know that Taylor's safety is the top priority in his search for a bodyguard and not a random guy whom he met on the street and of whom he thought it was oh so sexy how he saved him.

Why couldn't Taylor recognize in a friendship for seven years what I could see within a few days?

"Heeey guys, could you please stop fighting so that we can go inside?" Skye gesticulated in a gay way, trying to intermeddle or whatsoever.

"Shut the fuck up!" Now Taylor and I were shouting at him in chorus. I had no idea what suddenly got into Taylor that he continued fighting with me. I don't understand him at all sometimes.

Maybe I should paint two signs for Bandito and me which say "gross animals and primitive outcasts have to stay outside" and put them around our necks if we weren't good enough for Mister niminy-piminy. That would be easier. I was so fucking sick and tired of this damn ego shit.

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Well, if my day got any better, I’d be dead. Does anyone have a light out of this black tunnel?

None of us paid attention to Skye who silently disappeared back into the house. Apparently Taylor wasn't ready to go inside and not finished with our coversation.

"Could you at least for once do what I say?" It was a behavior that did not fit the Taylor I knew. Suddenly it was as if Taylor was testing my nerves, as if he was trying to find a way to get rid of me. Maybe the situation brought him so much under pressure that it would be easier for him if I just go and leave him. Why was he challenging me?

"For what reason?"

"Because I'm your older brother." Oh man...in which fucking century do we live? I groaned inwardly.

"You want to tell me you have more rights than I have because you're older than me? Seriously Taylor, you don't even know what it means to act like a brother, so how can you tell me what I have to do?"

Probably my sayings hurt him. But could the truth hurt that much like nine long years of loneliness do? I don't think so. Actually it was sad that I was the one who had to tell him that. Santiago wanted me to continue doing this job and I didn't want to disappoint him. Still, it didn't give Taylor the right to treat me like a fucking doormat just because I didn't dress or acted like the perfect gentleman that he tried to be. I don't need to dress my ass with the latest fashion to feel precious or for other people's acceptance.

"But you have to do what I say."

I couldn't help but to scoff about that. I hoped we were over this childish bullshit...

"In that case you have to find a retarded, submissive robot elsewhere Taylor. And if you're serious with what you just said then I think that you are the one who needs to grow up and not me. Maybe you should ask Mom and Dad if they have another stupid brother for you whom you can hurt. Coz whatsoever you're trying here does not work with me."

I didn't know what was more sad; that he thought I was that retarded that he could use me to feed his ego or that he was so naive that he actually believed I would play his robot. It was one of those moments in which I couldn't decide if I should feel sorry for him because of his superficiality or just walk away and don't look back.

God, how I hate this generation...

"Your big mouth will send you to the gallows someday, Blade Caziano!"

Nah, being too lazy to breathe will probably be the cause of my death. That or Skye's conniptions.

Considering my luck probably both...

Taylor stomped his shoe angrily on the ground as he realized I would not act like he wanted me to.

Honestly, I couldn't even tell what depressed me the most in this situation. I wasn't mad with Taylor because of the foolish things we said to each other. I was disappointed with him. He actually tried to manipulate me and now he acted like I would be too stupid to notice it. What's even more sad was that Taylor has been afraid I would lose respect for him, 'cause I protected him instead of the contrary, but in reality it was moments like this in which I really did.

Oh brother, if you didn't allow yourself to get influenced by your insecurities because of that stupid narcissistic society attitude, we wouldn't even be stand here wasting our time with such a dumb conversation...

I’ll be the first person to admit that I am not always the nicest person. I know it. I can be a downright ass even. Most of the time I really don’t care whether or not I hurt people’s feelings because I usually believe they fully deserve whatever I can dish out. That’s just the kind of person I am. I’m honest, brutally truthful. I won’t beat around the bush or fib for tact. If you’re an idiot, I’m going to tell you that directly to your face. I have little patience for people in general. But what Taylor expected from me in this situation was just not right.

"I'll only say it once Taylor; I hazard those consequences 'cause I live the way I want. I’m your bodyguard brother, a killer and a dirty pimp. Can’t pick one without choosing the other. Like I said, I make no apologies for my temperament."

Taylor sighed before he spoke again. "I think that can be difficult sometimes."

"That may be. But it's my life and not yours."

Maybe I should tell him to just piss off instead of continue this rape fanfare with my feelings but I knew that he was challenging me because it was exactly what he wanted to achieve. But I'm not my brother. I am not someone who runs away at first opportunity like he does.

"I know. I didn't mean to..." Taylor began but I cut him off. I had swallowed enough of this shit. Instead of focussing on catching the culprit all we did was to stand here discussing Taylor's ego problems. And I was more than done permanently being used. We both knew that our arguement was not because of Skye. He was not even interesting enough to make me sick. It was about the whole situation since we reconciled. It hurt me that Taylor still didn't realize whom he hurt the most with his steady anxiety of being awkward.

"I am not terrified to say what I think 'cause I'm not afraid of being judged and laughed at. How about you Taylor? What is your problem? Are you afraid I might be cooler than you?!?"

"Shut up Zac! You fucking know best that my situation is anything else than cool!" Taylor shouted indignantly, his rosy cheeks automatically turned red like at the touch of a button. He even forgot my code name in his anger, so we were finally talking plaintext.

I didn't mind his annoyance even though I failed to understand the sense of it. I always prefered directly to lay the cards on the table instead of dancing around a subject. If Taylor realized that, I'm sure we could have saved a lot of time already.

"No, I only know that I have a brother who can't fucking deal with his little brother's appearance just because he protects him. You're my brother no matter what your appearance is, so it's beyond me why the fuck I can't be the same for you in return!"

I answered bluntly and straightforwardly, staring at him emphatically after that. My patience was about to run out. I didn't want arguing anymore, so I told him what's up and we either fix it and move on or stop fuckin with each other and move on. Fuck all that extra shit!

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Predictably, he didn't say anything to that and kept silent for a moment.

Isn't it ironic how people get speechless once you turn the tables?

"I just think it might make you lonely..." Taylor wandered off the subject, refusing to reply what I said before.

"So what? That's what I've always been, right?" I shrugged vacuous and wasn't even surprised how normal it sounded to me. I wasn't used to anything else, so why the fuck pretend to be someone I'm not?!

Taylor's angry expression looked guilty now. It felt like nothing had changed. He thought he was taking over responsibility for the happenings but in reality he again chose the easy way and the first thing he did after feeling better was to work on his plan to get rid of me. Again, I was confronted with a brother who thought that not dealing with the hard things in life would be the right choice.

Why was he so damn coward when it came to face reality?

"You're doing it again Zac." He said quietly and bit on his lower lip. Taylor's mood swings were strange. In one moment he was shouting at me and in the next one he became shy again.

"What?" I asked, irritation in my voice.

"Talking with me like I'm your little brother. Why you do that?"

"Probably because you don't have an older brother who taught you some manners." I said bluntly. How else should I feel when he was pussying out every time I confronted him with the facts?!

Taylor cast down his eyes, his long blond eyelashes trying to hide his ashamed look. He and I probably couldn't be more different. I am straight, I couldn't be more sure of it but even I can see why my brother is such an eyecatcher for thousands of women and men worldwide. It's probably also the reason why his stalker cast an eye on him. Taylor was a feminine and pretty type which were very rare. Feminine in his movements and very feminine looking. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Obviously he felt too guilty to get upset again. I stood there with clasped arms, waiting for him to talk. I had a feeling there would come some more.

"Zac, since I meet you, everything's been different. So maybe we just need some time to grow up..." He began hesitantly, trying to get out of the awkward situation.

"I've finished growing up Taylor. I just get older."

"Well, for me it's the opposite. I'm your older brother, yet I feel like maybe I need some time to grow up a little..." He admitted quietly. To me it felt like it was the most honest thing he said today and I was grateful for a piece of honesty in a world of hypocrisy.

Most of the times when we talked it felt like I was talking to my little brother. Not in a negative way, don't get me wrong. I believe both of us felt it. Taylor was just so child like with his mood swings. Like he was always searching for his position, yet couldn't find it and it increased my protective instinct above him even more. His innocent angelic appearance added to that. His purity was special somehow. It's rare when someone had been able to maintain his innocence even once he is an adult.

The only thing that pissed me off was when he let himself get influenced by dumb society prejudices and took it out on me what he did the whole time without realizing it.

"Do you think it will always be like this? I mean... you and I, forever alone?" He asked in a small voice.

"Not if you are there."

Our situation seemed final all of a sudden. None of us said anything anymore after that. We just stood there and stared at each other until Taylor couldn't hold my gaze anymore and averted his eyes.

No. Fucking. Progress.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

the idea for this Chapter based on this gif set: http://leon-and-mathilda.tumblr.com/post/87039745768


	60. Chapter 60

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor

In just one line I probably made everything wrong that I could. When Zac and I arrived back at home, all of my intentions to do the right things seemed to break down as I saw the house in which my wife and my daughter died because of a sick man whom the police couldn't catch yet.

The memories of the recordings of the surveillance video, the story that Zachary didn't see the intruder two days ago, his injuries from the fight and how I am to explain the situation to my parents in law brought me to the verge of despair...

At first, I thought he was just being rude and he couldn't deal with gay men. But then I realized there was more. I could imagine Zac was mad at me, because I expected him to act differently without considering the reason for his behavior and tried to get rid of him in probably the most lame and pathetic way I could do. I hurt someone who already lay broken and injured on the ground. I didn't intend it, all I wanted was to get him out of the danger zone and I would take all the blame if that might save his life. But the contrary happened. Zachary penetrated my mind and my intentions and instead of achieving anything, I had only hurt and disappointed him even more. I had tried to manipulate him and insulted his intelligence on top of that because of my own insecurities.

I knew that he was full of guilty feelings because of what happened to his friend Santiago and that it was a sensitive subject for him. I wasn't even sure anymore if there was an excuse for my behavior, he saved my life twice, carried me when I was too weak to walk, helped me to get my strength back and I pushed him away. I just didn't want him to be in danger. But I knew now my brave younger brother wouldn't run away no matter what happens.

Shortly after we went in the house, I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself that I couldn't even see my own face anymore. I was more ashamed of myself for my cowardly behavior than about the fact that my little brother was my bodyguard.

He didn't seem to be hostile toward Skye because he just didn't like him, he seemed to question Skye's decision why he chose him. That's why my anger turned into shame and guilt when I realized that Zachary acted that way because he was worried about me and was just taking care of me. 

I sniffled ashamed. Gosh, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. I couldn't even ask him to forgive me because to me felt like all I did was wrong. Skye still seemed to be upset that I was mad with him, but I couldn't be considerate about his feelings right now. I felt too guilty about the way I treated Zac. I knew that if there was someone who made him feel like an outcast, it was me. I wanted to be a role model for him and in the end it turned out that I hurt and disappointed him even more. I knew that the main reason why someone would feel not accepted or not good enough is when another person makes him feel that way, in which he ignores him or commands him to act differently than he is which causes the feeling of not being accepted. I didn't want to be that kind of brother.

But in this insane situation, it was sometimes hard for me to decide what was right and what was not. I could imagine the picture Zachary had gotten from me in the course of time, not only had I left him alone back then, I wasn't there for him in the second and maybe last chance in our lives...

Another thing which made me feel even guiltier about the whole situation was that Zachary had done a better big brother job than I had in the last few days. He endured all my up and downs and gave me his back which I didn't give him. While I was always torn in my decisions, he was always constant. Zac didn't spend time with thinking if something was awkard, weird or uncool. He was so strong and assertive in everything he did. He just did things and he did them with hundred percent persuasiveness. I admired Zac for his strong character and consistency.

Sometimes I think we could both be glad that we never went to school and experienced the group pressure school attendees go through. I guessed both of us would have offended our class mates regularly. Me, because of my eagerness to learn everything, my enthusiasm and interest for all kinds of subjects and Zachary for his courage and confidence to speak up. He didn't have the best manners, but he did always stand up for his principles.

There were moments in which I found myself admiring him for having the courage to speak out. People like him are actually unique these days.

I had to stop thinking about my guilty feelings; I knew I would fall into a big black hole again otherwise and not being able to face Natalie's parents and her brother anymore. As we were in the hallway, I told Skye to go on ahead and excuse me for a minute.

Then I hurried into the kitchen and got an icepack for Zac's cheek. He followed me silently into the bathroom where I took out the dressing material for the wound on his arm. I handed both things to him, unable to look in his eyes. "Do you need help to bandage the wound on your arm?" I asked carefully.

"No, I can do that alone." He replied tonelessly, unbuckling his back pack and putting it in a corner.

"Zachary?" I knew that if I didn't have the maturity to apologize to him right now, everything that we had achieved in our relationship until this point would be broken at one dash.

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry." My eyes welled up and a tear ran down my cheek. "I'm sorry Zac for making you feel like an outcast. You were right; it was childish to act the way I just did outside. Please know that I'm glad that you are here Zac. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me and even though I know I don't deserve it... I... hope you don't hate me."

I laid my hand on his shoulder but he shrugged it off in an instant.

"All that childish drama would not have been necessary Taylor if you and Skye didn't try to manipulate me. Don't treat me like a fucking idiot just because I'm not like you, Taylor! Your insecurities are your problem, not mine. I’m not going to be in the middle of that. I already told you that I'm not here for fucking dick measuring!" Zac looked sick and tired and I could hear that it was the pure exhaustion that spoke out of him. He set a firm boundary; I knew I couldn't expect anything more from him. My problem had strained his nerves as much as mine. He had selflessly used all of his patience with me to deal with this sensitive subject and helped me to get used to it. I couldn't blame him that his patience had completely run out by now. I would probably feel the same if I were him. Meanwhile, he probably thought I was the biggest diva he had ever met because I made such a big fuss about small things while he put his life on the line for me. He had to handle and endure a murder to save his best friend's life and I burdened him with my ego problems on top of that. It was just not very easy to admit that I was a more sensitive guy than my younger brother was.

I was just afraid that once Zac sees my vulnerable self and notices how sensitive I am and how afraid I am of my stalker which is actually totally normal in my situation that he could never respect me again. He seemed so fearless to me and the way he pretty much didn't give a damn about anything didn't really make me feel better. But I guess he already had enough time to find out how sensitive I am without me admitting it to him.

"I know. I will not anymore Zac. I promise."

"I wish I could believe that Taylor..." He sighed, without looking at me while removing his jacket and exposing blood smeared welts and bruises. The sleeve of his shirt was ripped and blood leaked out of the slash wound on his upper arm. The wound looked bigger than I thought. The guy must have cut him with a knife, yet Zac hadn't mentioned one single word about how badly it must hurt.

My stomach churned and I felt like I was being sucked into a swirl of guilt as I watched the blood running down his arm.

"Do you... do you... need a clean shirt?"

"No. I have my own clothes."

"Okay, do you need anything else?"

"Taylor, just leave me alone. I'm not in the mood to talk with you right now." I nodded and swallowed the hard lump in my throat.

"Okay. I understand." I couldn't argue with him anymore, I felt too guilty about what I had done. Besides that, it wasn't the right time to argue.

I went out of the bathroom, closed the door quietly and wiped the tears away. As I walked through the hallway I noticed that the floor on the whole ground floor and the kitchen was cleaned. On the tables stood vases with white roses and on the door hung a black crape. The back door was replaced and no wood chippings lay on the floor anymore which reminded anyone of the terrifying incident from last night. I immediately knew that Skye and Andrew did these things. Like they had promised they had arrange the matters properly and prepared the house during my absence, so that I could meet Natalie's parents in an appropriate atmosphere. Assuming, that was possible at all. I couldn't really tell if it mattered or not in this situation but I appreciated Skye and Andrew's efforts anyway. I didn't want to appear to be lacking respect toward my parents and brother in law.

As I came into the living room Skye was the first one who came to me. He quietly excused himself before he whispered a few words to me that he would make tea and coffee for us in the meantime. He probably didn't want to meddle in our family affairs, so I thanked him and welcomed Natalie's parents Pam and James and her brother Matt after that. They sat on the couch in the living room talking to Officer Wright and Andrew; all of them were dressed in black mourning clothes like me.

Their greeting was restrained, but I hadn't expected anything, really. They looked harassed, upset and tired at the same time. I sat next to them after a quick exchange of condolence wishes. Officer Wright had a document folder in his hands and looked like a referee the way he sat opposite us.

"Hello Mr. Hanson. Glad you're home." Officer Wright sounded more sympathetic this time than two days ago.

"Thanks." I cleared my throat to speak firmly. "I'm hoping you have some news for us in this case."

"Yeah I'm aware." He replied, the lack of confidence in his tone discouraged me though.

"That useless police officer already told us there's nothing new in this case." James, Natalie's dad interrupted annoyed. I honestly couldn't really say what I expected from this moment. It still felt so unreal. I actually found myself in dreams and moments in which I thought that Natalie would come downstairs, healthy and still alive. I still didn't want it to be real that she and my baby weren't there anymore.

Maybe I should have been relieved that my family in law did not seem to focus their anger and blame on me. Or that I would feel satisfaction that Detective Wright who didn't show any understanding last time for my miserable condition was now in the situation in which he was confronted with questions but I didn't feel anything of that. All I felt was the same annoyance and grief that Natalie's family felt. I thought this couldn't be true.

"That's not true. We have a composite sketch of the culprit. We have dealt with stalking cases like this. The problem is we cannot really say what that man wants from you. Most stalkers have sexual intentions, if they don't get what they want they become dangerous and violent. They live in a whole 'nother world and it's difficult to say what the person wants from you. For now we can only say that this man does not seem to be interested in money."

"He turned and pointed on the TV behind him which showed a freezed image of the culprit. But there was not more than I already seen before.

"His is about 6 feet tall, approximately between 35 - 45 years old and has shoe size 12."

"I know that that person is obsessed with me, but this description can be anybody!" I shook my head, unable to hide my annoyance. "Turn it off Andrew. I don't need to see that again." I said, shaking my head in disappointment.

"What about the autopsy result? Is there nothing new?" Nat's mother Pam threatened to burst into tears and leaned her head against her husband's shoulder who laid his arm around her as she began to sob.

"The autopsy confirmed that Mrs. Hanson died from a broken neck and death was quick, she did not suffer. However, we are unsure if she was pushed down the stairs or if he accidentally fell down them. There were no signs of violence on her body, no bruises or marks that indicate she was pushed."

"My poor sister..." Matt who had sat there silently couldn't hide his disappointment anymore either.

"It's not only my wife who died here, my baby too." I exclaimed angrily. Why were there no results in this case? That the culprit would be arrested and Zac and I would be out of danger.

Detective Wright looked at me totally surprised after that. He opened up the documents folder he carried and looked on the autopsy report.

"No, Mrs. Hanson wasn't pregnant." He said and shook his head.

She. was. not. ? I didn't know what to say. I was speechless, taken aback. Where they fooling me?

"That must be a mistake. She was three months pregnant. We were having a daughter. She just told me about it a few days ago."

I didn't know if Natalie's parents knew about it already, because I couldn't talk with them in the meantime. They looked at me shocked and speechless alternating from me to Officer Wright, than back to me. From their surprised looks I understood they obviously did not know about it.

"I can assure you she was not pregnant Mr. Hanson."

"But...that can't be true."

What was going on here? My baby... my Hope Alexandria had never existed?

"I have the autopsy report here, I can't give you the documents yet but I can officially tell you that she was definitely not pregnant."

I wanted to disappear. I didn't know if there were words with which I could describe my emotions in this situation. Taken aback would have been a large understatement. Maybe I should have been glad and relieved a little that my baby wasn't killed because it didn't even exist at all but I already had felt fatherly feelings for her... I had seen myself in happier times playing with my little child and Natalie and I as parents. I felt so sad, empty and disappointed that I would have wanted to end this conversation at this point because I couldn't say how much I could bear.

"Were there any plausible reasons why she told you she was pregnant even though she wasn't, Mr. Hanson?"

I shrugged because I couldn't answer him. I already told him that Natalie and mine relationship was broken, so what was the point in telling him again?

The next minutes passed by like in a dream state. Officer Whatever stood up and said goodbye to us shortly after that, left us back in our sorrow. I saw him talking to Zac in the hallway, he probably informed him about the same before he left.

Skye came in the living room, carrying a tray with tea and coffee cups. He wanted to go out of the room after silently putting it down on the table, but I grabbed his hand and told him to stay. He shouldn't feel like an outcast after everything he had done for me.

"Taylor, I don't know if it's the right time to say that but you know, you told me to arrange the preparations for Nat's memorial and I have a catalogue here with casket. Maybe you and your in laws want to take a look at them and pick one." He laid a catalogue in my lap so carefully as if it was a fragile egg after sitting down next to me.

"Taylor, would it be okay if we do that? It would mean so much to us." James and his wife were looking at me pleadingly and expectantly. The pain was clearly visible in their hurt expressions because of the disappointing news from the police. I could understand them so well...

I respected the last wish for their daughter so I agreed and handed the catalogue to them. I was thankful that they did not blame me for what happened because it would have made the pain for me even bigger.

Still, I was not over the fact that Natalie wasn't pregnant. 

Why did she lie? What was her point? Did she not want a divorce from me? So she committed herself to me?

Instead of getting any news, I was left with even more questions than before. Skye wanted to be there for me, to comfort me but I actually found myself not wanting his comfort. I realized that it was because we hadn't talked yet, so I couldn't ask him why he didn't tell me about the reason he hired Zac. Skye was so careful and considerate with me because of what happened that I actually found myself missing Zac's bluntness. It was weird to think of it but he actually made me feel more like a human and not like a piece of cotton. Even though it was only a few hours since we reconciled I had experienced so many things with him already. Or maybe it just felt like that to me because I desperately wanted to catch up the missing years with him. We were only a few minutes separated and I already found myself missing him. Because of Zac's unblemished truth he gave me the feeling that I didn't need to pretend to be someone else which is what I had done for much too long since Natalie's and my marriage slowly broke down...

I could be just Taylor. I wanted somebody to comfort me, but I didn't want Skye doing that. I wanted to be comforted by Zac.

I wanted us to comfort each other.


	61. Chapter 61

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor

After Officer Wright was gone Zachary walked into the room and I felt my heart pounding faster in an instant. It felt like my chest was going to explode at any moment. Despite the shock about Natalie’s lie and the disappointment in the lack of progress in finding the stalker the meeting had gone without incidents. However, with Andrew and Zac in the same room I felt like the air was thinning, as if two ticking time bombs were present.

I couldn't say what worried me more, that the situation would escalate between these two or between myself and Natalie's family. Yet, before I was ready to say anything Andrew stood up, tossed the keys I gave him last night and the video tape marked 'copy' on the table and left the room. The irritated, disparaging way he did that reminded me of how Zac gave the video to him when he said he needed a copy.

I gave Skye a questioning look but he shook his head, apparently it wasn't the right moment to ask. I knew that Andrew wasn't thrilled about my brother directly from the start but somehow I had a feeling that there was more...

Yet, perhaps it was better that Andrew left because it wasn’t the right time or place to settle their differences. He and Zac didn't get along and there was not enough air in the room for these two.

"Who is this?" Matt raised his head, looking questioning to Zachary who stood there with a black long sleeve shirt on which hid the bandage on his upper arm. But instead of being glad that he actually wore somewhat appropriate clothes, I felt like a rapist. Because I wanted him to wear something else, to hide his injuries and to pretend to be someone he is not. It was as if he was not the real Zac who would have stood there in his usual 'I have no fucks to give' style. I was responsible for that because I had tried to change him instead of accept him.

"This is... uhm..." I began to stutter and felt the awkwardness coming back which seemed to want to take control of my whole body. The moment had come. Now it was my turn to deal with it.

How do I explain this? There is no way to chicken out Taylor, you promised it, so now fucking do it!

"This is my younger brother, Zachary. I am sure you remember that I searched for him. Well, Skye managed to reconnect us…"

Breath Taylor, breath!

"He... he was hired to be my... new bodyguard."

I hung my head because I wanted to disappear, I didn’t want my face to be seen by anyone. I felt so awkward so I rubbed the spots between my eyes to hide my face, but actually I didn't want to be seen by anyone. I literally wanted to disappear into the couch. I was so worried that they would all laugh about me. I couldn't even imagine how red I must have looked. My rosy cheeks were continuously heating up these days. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I blushed so deep this time, I probably was purple.

Natalie's family stared at me taken aback. I had no idea what would happen after this announcement...

Skye looked at me and I could tell he knew how hard this was for me, his commiserating look said that. Zac walked silently to the couch opposite where Officer Wright and Andrew had sat before. I had told him I would do this alone.

"You... what?" Pam choked on her cup of tea and almost spit it out onto the couch.

"I'm sure you are aware that this is not the right time for any jokes Taylor and that my family and I are not in the mood right now." James stated, his limit of understanding was crossed, I knew it just by one look at him.

They all looked at me as if I just said the most inappropriate thing I could say.

"I am aware and it is not a joke. I can understand how this must sound for you, but the situation is complicated and I cannot explain in a few words. I don't try to fool you and I can imagine that this must sound like a joke for you after what happened, but I would appreciate if you’d allow me to explain the situation a little better and to give me the chance to explain why we are in this situation."

As they kept silent I understood that as an agreement, but then James interrupted.

"I don't see what is there to explain. That boy obviously lost his mind!" He exclaimed, intending to stand up but Pam held him back.

"We didn't come here to argue today James, we came because of our daughter."

She then turned to me. "We want answers why our daughter is gone Taylor."

"I know and I fully understand that. The last thing I want is to make things worse and to upset you more than you already are. I share the same pain like you. I lost my wife and we all are annoyed and disappointed about the situation which is still dangerous for me."

"I honestly cannot see the point in understanding such insanity, but if you feel it's best then please do explain." James replied and all of them looked at me expectantly.

I took a deep breath, and then I continued talking...

I told them everything from the beginning, how the worries began with those weird letters and notes I received from Twink Twink. It was only a few days ago Skye and I talked about it, we were concerned about those letters and he suggested that I should consider a bodyguard and I also thought that it would be the best solution. I told them that Skye tried to find someone and that he had randomly run into Zachary and felt he would be the perfect person. I explained that he was unaware of who Zachary was. I even told them that Zac and I had both declined at first but a close friend of him had persuaded him into taking the job and that Zachary gave him a promise he couldn't break in hope they could understand both sides a little better.

I didn't tell them that I did not plan to keep Zachary because I didn't want to rub salt in the wound in my brother's company and if they have the same empathy that I have, they could imagine how I felt about it.

No one said a word for a long while after that. It was an awkward silence but I didn't dare to break it. I just sat there holding my breath. Why did it feel like everyone hated me?

Skye was the only one who already knew all the details. He kept silent too but Zac's presence seemed to make him nervous. What was going on with him? I had to talk to him later.

Zachary sat there silently watching us as if he was out of place. I shared his uncomfortable feeling though 'cause I had no idea if my story would change anything but still I felt a little better when it was revealed.

Pam looked over at Zac after a while. "Is that true?"

"Yes it is." Zac answered shortly and nodded. "I'm sorry for your loss ma'am." He added and stood up after that, shaking Pam's, James' and Matthew's hands.

"Thank you." Pam replied. She had to blow her nose as Zac went back to his seat.

I had no idea how he felt but he was actually the only one who did not make me feel uncomfortable. Zachary had never given me a reason to feel ashamed of him one single time, not even during the time when he did not care about me.

I didn’t know how they would accept the news, I just sat there silently, unsure to pray for salvation or doomsday. I wouldn’t even shift in my seat because I thought it would make a noise. It was much harder than with Skye and Andrew because Nat's family had just lost their daughter and now they probably thought I played with the life of my next best relative.

As Pam laid her hand gently on my shoulder I let out a deep sigh of relief. I could read in her expression that she understood that the situation was still dangerous.

"This is a sad story Taylor." She said sympathetically and laid her hand on my back.

"You are your little brother's dependant client?" Matt turned to me, a little grin on his lips as if he had to suppress a laugh.

I saw Zachary clenching his fists on the armrests at the same time. I knew that he was pissed about Matt's reaction 'cause his nostrils began to flare like a drake but he controlled himself and didn't do anything. Zac was always so big brother like when he was around me. And to be completely honest it didn't even feel unusual. It's actually how it has always been between us. Zachary was already mature and protective at a very young age.

As I saw Matt's mocking reaction an unexpected feeling overtook me in this moment. Instead of being more ashamed like I thought I would be, I was annoyed as well.

Perhaps Matthew did not intend to hurt me and maybe he even did not intend to laugh at me. I knew very well how awkward it sounded to me, because I had been trying to deal with it myself since Zac came back. But to hear someone else actually speak those words out it did hurt me some. It sounded so condescending in my ears. As if I was a child who could not be taken seriously, because now I was the little brother and Zachary was here to watch over me.

I had almost forgotten how it felt, that humiliating feeling when other people talk to you as if you are too dumb to take care of yourself and to make your own decisions...

In this moment, I could relate why Zac reacted so hostile toward Skye when he approached him with the 'baby brother' comment. I guess I just felt the same annoyance right now like Zac did. If my well behaved manners wouldn't stop me, I actually wanted do the same or just smack Matthew for mocking me. No matter what they thought about me after that or not.

Had I just forgotten how it felt... that child like feeling or were we just separated for too long?

It was not only that which annoyed me, I wished that someone would understand the way I felt. But what had I done outside? Defended Skye's side even though he was the one who threw the first stone when he didn't give Zachary a possibility to disagree to this job because of the promise that he owed Santiago. No wonder Zac was disappointed from me that I didn't even consider to give him my support. He wished that his brother would have defended him in that moment. Not because blood is thicker than water, but because it was the right thing to do. Somehow, my internal voice told me this.

I knew that we were grown up and free people. No one should bend over backwards for someone. We should remain true to ourselves, even if problems break us.

Suddenly I felt better. Not only because I knew what I had to do, but to know that Zachary still wanted me to give him my back. There was no reason for me to feel useless because Zachary needed me.

I looked over to him and he returned my look but he kept silent because I insisted I would deal with it alone. For the first time, I felt that our brotherly bond was back in this moment. Because I could feel what he felt without needing to talk to him. Maybe, I just needed this experience to begin to understand him. The realization gave me more confidence to deal with my position than I expected.

Yes I was my younger brother's client and I didn't feel ashamed about it. Not anymore. It wasn't weird 'cause we were no longer the strangers we've been for the last nine years. I felt I had gotten used to it. I had to admit that I would have never thought that I would have made such progress in this brief span but in all honesty, I was just too tired to give myself more questions. Our time was for me much more important than a normal day in life. There were moments in which it hurt me such as the way Zachary treated me before, but I had never felt a desire for revenge toward him. Not one single moment. I didn't want to make any mistakes and I wanted to live out every moment with him to its fullest. That's why we lived as if every moment was the last in our lives.

"Matthew! That was uncalled for!" Pam gave her son a reproving look and the grin disappeared in an instant.

"Sorry Taylor... I didn't mean to...it's just so...I don't know..."

"Unusual?"

"Yes." He nodded. "It's an extraordinary situation."

"I understand that it must sound like that for you and I don't know if it matters but our age difference is not very big. I'm 27 and he's 25. Actually, between us has not much changed, my younger brother has always been more protective than I was." I explained.

"I see." Matt nodded, his strange look had lessened. I turned to Skye, who apparently wanted to say something because he was shifting nervously at my side. Since Andrew was gone, he had always looked over to the front door as if he was hoping he would come back.

"Taylor ordered me to hire a bodyguard for him and I can assure you that his brother has the skills. The only important thing is that aside from you guys no one else may get to know about that. We hope we can rely on your discretion because of Taylor's reputation." He said and I nodded.

"Yeah, that is important not only because of that but also for safety reasons. My brother's code name is Blade Caziano, he got this name in the army, so that's how you can call him."

Unobtrusively, I eyed in James' direction after that because he was the only one who still had not said anything. Finally, I heard him clearing his throat.

"It does not interest me if it's unusual or not. We will not tell anyone, but despite all the facts you told us Taylor, I'm not able to show understanding for an insane situation like that."

James' words hit me in a weird way. I could understand him better than he probably thought but at the same time they did hurt me. I wanted so say something but he cut me off.

"However, I am here for answers about my daughter. What happened? Did you know she was in danger?"

I looked at him and could see the endless sadness and disappointment in his eyes, he finally wanted the same answers I did and I understood that. We had only a short talk by phone a few days ago; they flew from Georgia to California in hope to get answers. Answers from the police. Answers from me. Answers that no one had and I was as equally hurt about it as they were.

"James, Pam, Matthew, I wholeheartedly wish I had more answers for you both, but I only have what Detective Wright told me. They're unclear if Natalie fell down the steps accidently or if she was pushed. At first, I did not believe that this Twink person was a real threat to Natalie or anyone in my family because in my profession I receive a lot of weird things from fans. But I realized that it is better to have a bodyguard when I received the second letter. It was the same day when Natalie was murdered. None of us could know that someone would want to break in and surely we did not believe that someone would want to kill her. Skye wanted a bodyguard for me as a precaution so if the person sees someone is near me we hope that he will stop."

I looked at them, feeling guilty that I hadn't thought to better protect Natalie. But this explanation and Detective Wright's information was all I had and what I could give them.

"What about this baby you mentioned? Why did you think she was pregnant Taylor? We spoke with Natalie not long ago and she did not mention being pregnant."

"She told me a few days ago that she was expecting and that we were having a daughter. I did not ask for proof or anything, I believed Natalie when she told me. We even had already chosen a name for her, Natalie wanted to name her 'Alexandria' and I chose 'Hope' so we decided to name her Hope Alexandria. I really thought she was pregnant..." My voice trailed off as I had to think about the little baby girl of which I thought would change everything. I swallowed hard and fought with myself to not burst into tears. Skye began to stroke my back as he noticed my sad and absent look.

Pam looked at me wearily. "Could this... have been her way of reconnecting with you?" She asked quietly.

I had no idea what Natalie’s reason was. "I cannot honestly say, but I really wish I knew..." I shrugged sadly.

She nodded and it grew quiet after that. No one said anything for several minutes. One time I really had to cough, but I held it in. I guess they needed that time to let all those news sinking in, because I felt the same. James was the one who broke the silence.

"Well, aside from those facts, I don't think that there's a guarantee for it that nothing serious happens anymore. You are still a part of our family Taylor, but fact is; you guys play with your lives and I don't think it will be a good ending for both of you. What you do is completely irrational. Instead of your brother, you should hire a bodyguard for both of you because this concept is condemned to failure!"

I looked over to Zachary; he returned my look but kept silent. Since the first day we met he did his big brother job like he never did anything else. He sent me to bed when he thought it was about time for me, not because he wanted to make me feel down but because he had seen how tired and exhausted I was.

He didn't want me watching violent videos because he knew how sensitive I was and that nightmares were the last thing I needed in my current situation. And instead of listening to him and appreciating his good intentions, I thought he wanted to humiliate me. So I watched the surveillance video with him and had one of the worst nightmares of my life in that night. Later I regretted that I didn't listen to him.

He didn't want me having friends which weren't good to me and he didn't allow anyone to get close to me and hurt me. He did everything for me that a good brother would do.

"Trust me James, no one is better aware of that than we are and I know that I can't expect you to understand this situation, but I hope that you guys can understand it someday. Thank you guys for worrying about us. All of you guys are my family and Blade is my family. I don't exclude him 'cause we belong to each other." I stood up after that and went over to my brother. I moved to the armrest beside him and laid my arm around him. "We all have lost a part of our family, but I feel like I got some part back when he returned to me and I couldn't be more grateful that he is here with us today. I just wish the circumstances were different and that Natalie could be here today with us as well..."

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Pat, James and Matt all nodded at me. The expression in their looks had changed. I knew that I couldn't expect acceptance from all of them, but they understood and that was more than I could hope for.

Lastly, I looked down to Zachary who looked up to me, the thankfulness reflected in his hazel eyes.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

He had forgiven me. It didn't need words anymore between us to forgive each other.

We were the brothers again we once have been.

The brothers Zac and Taylor.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
inspiration for this Chapter based on this picture

[](http://www.directupload.net)


	62. Pride and Prejudice

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Blade

Taylor and my relationship was broken. The place that once was our home a long time ago had become a place of lies, half heartedness and sickening hypocrisy. I stayed alone as the others disappeared into the foyer and then upstairs for items that belonged to Taylor's wife that her parents wanted to have some memories of their daughter.

When I came in the living room fifteen minutes ago after treating my wounds and saw Taylor blushing right up to the ears, the embarrassed expression on his face as he looked over to me I just wanted to do nothing more than turn on my heels and leave. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Santiago wanted me to continue doing this job, but there was no doubt that mine and Taylor's relationship had failed miserably for a second time.

I stayed for a while longer 'cause I knew that his in laws didn't have anything to do with what was going on between him and me. Taylor's pride had broken our relationship... if it could have ever been considered as 'fixed' at all.

Maybe it was for him, but not for me. In fact, we couldn't be more far away from each other. He made me feel like an inconvenient pest that always caused him to feel awkward and ashamed.

He didn't even realize how arrogant and selfish it was for him to turn care and ministration into a process he had to go through even though siblings caring for each other is one of the most normal and natural things in the world. He then acted like he was proud of himself that he got used to his own brother and that I had to be thankful for his acceptance even though it should be a fucking matter of course.

To accept each other without prejudices, even that wasn't true, because I knew that what Taylor just said was another lie. Taylor always tried to emphasize that our safety is the reason we couldn't stay together, but I felt that our small age difference was also still a problem between us.

What the hell had his pride let him become? Why couldn't he be genuinely grateful for something others would be happy for? I accepted him right from the start, why the fuck couldn't he do the same in return?

Taylor demanded, expected my consideration toward him even though he never planned to stay with me. It even felt like he wanted to make me feel guilty for caring about him. I didn't know if Taylor was aware of the consequences his superficial behavior had on us 'cause he only seemed to have eyes for his own feeling of shame whenever he met somebody. It was like a curse on our relationship since the first day we met. His cheeks were pinker than I've ever seen them when he introduced me to his in laws. And even if our small age difference had never became a serious problem, Taylor's plan to get rid of me had something to do with his pride anyway, because he made that decision without to consider my point of view, so it didn't make any difference. His shame just added to all those moments that hurt me.

Now, our relationship was over and there was no return. I would go and put an end of this depressing situation between us. I was fucking done being my brother's doormat! I didn't want to be Taylor's bodyguard anymore. Each moment felt like a pointless effort.

There was no hope for us. It didn't make any sense if Taylor didn't realize his behavior and it wasn't my job to change him. There's no point in fighting for something that isn't worth it.

How I could say that? After he said to me how thankful he was that I was here?

Because I knew that his feelings weren't real and unlike Taylor I trust my inner voice. After his brother in law approached him in a mocking way, Taylor seemed to be annoyed, yet shortly afterwards he appeared confident with his position. I knew at that moment that his behavior was just a show. Honest feelings are never cause by an act of defiance. But that's exactly what Taylor's feelings were in that moment; an act of defiance. That's why I knew that he still wasn't used to me. If he thought so, he was lying to himself. Taylor couldn't be used to me as long as he didn't even realize that our brotherly relationship shouldn't be a process he had to learn to get used to at all.

Taylor always claimed that he couldn't handle it if something serious happen to me and he would lose me, what he forgot about that part was that I had to live with the same worry like he did and had to put my life on the line for him on top of that.

For a brother who dealt with his own feelings like they were more important than anyone else's...

When Taylor laid his arm around me as he told everyone how grateful he was that I was there, it felt like I internally died another time. Instead of having the guts for once to face me and tell me that he never wanted to keep me, he told everyone how thankful he was, even though he planned to get rid of me. I didn't need a brother who kissed my ass in front of other people while in reality he was kicking my ass with his intention to get rid of me. Sadly, he didn't even realize that all he did was hurt me.

Internally I said goodbye to my brother in that moment. There was nothing left that I could do for him. Pride and prejudice had broken our cooperation and our relationship as brothers. I had enough of his coward lies and was sick of the hypocrisy that surrounded me.

Since I started working for Taylor, I steadily had to fight and deal with contradictions. He told me that he loved me but he wanted to get rid of me. He said that he was grateful for what I did, but felt ashamed of me at the same time. He said he had to take over responsibility for the happenings but planned to run away again. He wanted to teach me manners; but failed to be honest toward me. He told me to behave but he did the exact opposite. I had seen photos in his house that he supported agencies, yet he acted like a superficial person when it came to his own family. He said I was important for him but he placed a higher value on his reputation. He openly supported social equality yet he forgot the most basic rules and the meaning of it towards me.

All these facts showed me that I couldn't trust my brother.

The last time I remember trusting him was before he left when we were teenagers. It had been such a long time that I almost couldn't remember how it felt to have a brother whom I could trust. I had lost those feeling a long time ago and he didn't do anything for me to help me find it again. As his bodyguard and his brother I needed to trust him.

Breaking trust happens easily, but it takes ten times longer to build it up again.

Until now, I couldn't even tell if he placed value into the fact I may never be able to trust him again.

When we tried to make a second start and Taylor admitted his feelings of shame towards me, I had no choice but to accept it. I had to be considerate of something that I couldn't understand, but it was a part of my job to work on our cooperation and I sensed that Taylor's life was dependent from my consideration and I also did it because he's my brother. So I gave him affirmations that there was no reason to feel ashamed to help him in the best way I could because I knew that Taylor had to find his strength back.

Actually it's fucking ridiculous to help anyone to get used to his own brother which should be considered as a matter of course. But because of Taylor's sensitive and vulnerable state after his wife got killed I could see and feel that he needed someone who kept him from falling down. So I held him even though I never got the same from him in return. I was forced to play my brother's doormat until he felt better and hoped he would soon realize how egoistical and superficial his behavior was toward me.

When nothing changed our situation became grueling. I began to ask myself if my efforts to help him get used to his own brother were all for nothing since he never planned on keeping me. Aside from saving his life all I did to help him was just a waste of time since he never considered to keep me. I just wasted my time on him. Meanwhile, I felt like someone sucked my strength and energy out of me like a leech.

He acted as if his feelings were a big fucking secret and that I had to be thankful when he opened up to me instead of appreciating that someone cared at all. Wasn't I allowed to comfort him just because I'm two years younger than him?

Why couldn't he realize it's things like this which estrange us?! Was it cooler for him to exclude me and make me feel like an outcast just because he was two years older than me?

Even though in my pimp job in the hustler scene I sold my body for money, it was Taylor who made me feel like I sold my soul. He never apologized to me for hurting me even though I apologized to him for my anger.

Would things be easier between us if I was two or three years older? Why does everyone judge me for my age? What the fuck is wrong with this generation?

After I agreed to try to make a second start with Taylor I hoped that we would find a way to move on and get over the fucking past experiences. But to experience how difficult it was for Taylor to deal with me left no place for anything else other than to find a way for him to get used to me. In our situation it was always a matter of life and death. As long as Taylor had a problem with me, it was an additional risk that could cost him his life at any moment.

Without Taylor's cooperation it was a risk which made it impossible to remain his bodyguard because he was not willing to give me his cooperation and support. Taylor still needed protection, but it was impossible to provide it as long as the endless prejudice because of our small age difference stood between us like a barrier. If there's anything I could do to help Taylor to forget that I'm two years younger than him, trust me; I would have done it, but I can't. I couldn't do anything for Taylor as long as he put me in a box of prejudice, treated me like an idiot whose feelings weren't interesting and that his feelings weren't my business.

Thankfully he had found his will to live back and maybe that was the purpose of my job for him. At least I hoped I could see it that way someday. Without my consideration, maybe he wouldn't have found it back. That's why I was considerate toward him even though I never could understand why he felt so ashamed of me. Actually, I wanted to make things easier for Taylor but he always acted like I made things harder for him.

Was my life and my feelings nothing worth for him? So he preferred to continue torturing me until he knew I still cared about him so that he could lose interest in me again? What the fuck have we lived for if we've never faced our fears?

I'm not ashamed to say that I wished someone would have done for me something like that at any point and also gave me some encouragement, just like I gave Taylor. Sadly, I got nothing but criticism and steady rejection in return. I'm so damn tired of being treated like a jerk for trying to do the right thing.

To me nothing had changed. I still felt the same loneliness I always felt.

There were often moments in which I asked myself what I had done to him that made him so uncomfortable?

Why should it feel weird to care about my family at all? No one should need a damn reason or to justify for that! For me, it's strange if someone thinks it's weird.

It became tiring and exhausting the longer this subject stood between us, yet I had never mentioned how worthless and useless he made me feel every single time I stood by his side whenever he was awkwardly blushing and hemming and hawing around because of me. I knew that Taylor couldn't bear accusations in his vulnerable, sensitive condition so I had no choice but to wait until he felt better.

Until now I didn't even know if he ever thought or cared about how psychically stressful and hurting it was for me to protect and deal with a brother who wanted to get rid of me and felt ashamed of me on top of that.

I guess I just hoped we could pick up the pieces and normalize our relationship somehow. I didn't know if Taylor was aware of the effects his ego problems had on me because he never tried to understand. It certainly had left its traces one me. I began to feel irritated and aggressive in situations which wouldn't have made me feel that way if he hadn't had such a problem with me.

I noticed this not just since Skye approached me with the baby brother comment, but already in Santiago's bar when we watched the scene on TV of those two playing brothers. The whole time it felt like I had 'dumb asshole' tattooed on my forehead just because I was the younger one.

Shouldn't we be over this shit by now?!? Why did he not want to believe or give me a chance to show that I also was able to do something great? Why did he not want to see that I was not a child anymore? I was an adult person with feelings like everyone else.

When Taylor got the news that his baby had never existed I felt sympathy for him. I wanted to be there for him. Yet at the same time I didn't want to make him feel ashamed again. The steady cat and mouse game between us became unbearable the longer we had to deal with it. He obviously didn't care about the effects of his superficial behavior, it was repugnant for me that not losing his coolness was apparently more important for him than I was.

I don't mean to be sad like this all the time. I hate the person that my sadness has made me become. I don't want to bring others down or be a weight on anyone's shoulders, but I am. It was exactly what I was because of Taylor's fucking pride. There is no distraction to mask what is real.

I didn't see any sense in lying to myself. I may have no manners and I'm also not very good when it comes to talking about my feelings but my instinct can differentiate between right and wrong. What was going on between us did not feel right to me. I didn't want to waste my time with him anymore as long as Taylor thought that overtaking responsibility meant to run away and that he felt grateful to me even though he felt ashamed of me.

How can you say to anyone 'I love you and I appreciate you' while at the same time feeling ashamed of that person?

It's like saying to someone that you love him while you are stabbing him in his heart at the same time. Or when criminals rob the bank and some people get killed and they say "this is not killing people, this is choosing to live an easier life". When something is wrong, it is wrong!

Our relationship was lost forever if he didn't realize what his pride had done with us and what he had become because of it. If Taylor had shown honest interest in my feelings at least one single time it wouldn't have needed to end in such a cowardice. No matter what happens, the brave choice is always family. I found it sad that he as my older brother didn't know that.

When I left Santiago's bar I felt it wasn't right to leave him alone but I knew I had to bring Taylor home safely. Still, it felt like the wrong decision to me. When I saw how the dealer overpowered Santiago during the fight I seen for the first time how physically conquerable Santiago had become. I hated to see my best friend so helpless who used to be so strong and full of energy before.

I highly doubted that the Russian would have had such an easy game with him a year before. My friend used to be able to defend himself physically much better than nowadays. If he hadn't lost his leg he would be still physically fit and strong. He was shot in the leg and I was the one who had made the tourniquet too tight. That's why he lost his leg. The doctor personally informed me about it.

One mistake that made my best friend into a helpless cripple...

I swallowed. Despite that fact, Santiago wanted me to leave him and continue doing this job, so that I wouldn't have to deal with similar psychic stress that would lie ahead of me if I had to go to jail.

Santiago wanted me to live a better life, to get a change and to get away from the criminality I was used to living in for more than a year now. He always wanted what was best for me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Like a real father. And I left him.

I left him alone.

Instead, I was here to discuss and endure my brother's superficial ego problems. I wished that we would have spent our time more sensible but when I look back all I learned from my brother was how I make him blush and that I couldn't believe anything he said.

For his fans he might be a hero, as a brother he was a stranger.

Those faked feelings were what made our relationship unbearable and our cooperation impossible. To experience to what a sick level his pride had sunk to did not only disappoint, I couldn't deny it still hurt, even though I had the desire for it not to care at all. It disappointed me that Taylor let his ego problems ruin our relationship for a second time. It was something I failed to understand. It's actually fucking sad that this was an issue between us at all.

Why did he let me do this job even though there was no point or goal in it? Why did he want to give me the feeling that I had to fight for my position but he hadn't? Hasn't he learned anything from the past?

The way Taylor placed value on his pride stabbed my heart hundreds of times and then he acted like he was bleeding and the worst part was that everyone seemed to help him while I was bleeding to death. The way I felt treated by him made me feel like my life wasn't worth anything. And with my new bodily injuries I was now a human wreck; physically and emotionally.

Right now, I wasn't even sure anymore if it was right to give in and to reconcile with Taylor this morning after he bought himself a new suit. Because from that moment on the rape with my feelings began when he confessed me his feelings of shame toward me.

Where would be we now if I left him earlier? Would he be dead by now or both of us? Why do some people forget what's important in a family and become too blind to appreciate what they could have if they weren't too proud?

Another sad thing was that during the time in which I protected Taylor I had felt that I was doing something sensible which I hadn't felt for a long time. Something meaningful. Something different than the self-flagellation in my pimp job. But all the time it was only a facade whose clock was running down.

The cruelest thing of all is false hope and to pretend you care about another person more than you really do because it leaves scars that doesn't go away. The only thing I was hoping for was that Taylor wouldn't be another disappointment...

It was true that I had dedicated my life to destroy myself. I ruined myself for a lot of people that weren't even worth it. And that has nothing to do with braveness. It's the point you reach when you realize that nothing seems to matter anymore. You become a spiritless zombie when there's no one who understand your silence. I can always feel the darkness surrounding me even when the sun is already up...

Would anybody ever understand how much it hurt? Would I remain alone forever?

If I were still sixteen, I would probably sit in a corner right now and cry that my only brother had pushed me away for a second time. But I was grown and not that naive teenager anymore. So I tried to not let it get to me, because I didn't see a point in it and I didn't want to depress myself and make this sad situation worse for me than it already was. Furthermore, I already experienced all that again. I was hurt as much as I was before; the only difference was I didn't have any more tears.

My strength came from lifting myself up every time I was knocked down.

Do you know the feeling when you think you should feel angry but all you can feel is being numb and empty? That's how I feel right now. I hate the feeling when you really don't have any emotion. You feel so empty. You're not happy, you're not sad, you're nothing. When your mind is spinning but you can't feel anything. It's that cold absence of feeling that accompanies you like a dark shadow wherever you go.

Negative events have an effect on you whether you want to admit it or not. They change the way you see things, they change the way you feel, they change your humor, they change who you are...

Actually, I used to be not a depressing guy at all. It's so not who I am. My real me is the complete contrary of what I am now. Before Santiago's accident I used to be a hyperactive and fun loving person, who could tell jokes and make grimaces to make others laugh until they get stomach aches.

I was a fucking Peter Pan.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Look at me now.

The only thing that makes me depressed is when I'm surrounded by coward hypocrisy. I really miss the old happy me.

I shook my head as if it could help to shrug off the emotions which threatened to drag me down which I really didn't need again.

Back then as we were teenagers I remember Taylor never wanted to become one of those superficial snobs who lost their sense for reality. To me it felt like it was exactly the person he had become though. Maybe it was already too late to pull Taylor out of this superficial, faked glitter world...

Both of us had become persons we didn't like and instead of helping each other, we wasted our time.

All of us are fucked up. We eat and we shit, we fight and we fail, we lie and we cheat and we hide and we do all sorts of things that nobody sees. Even those perfect high society families. Especially those perfect high society families. I don't compare. I'm just trying to do the best I can.

Sometimes I wished I would be better at telling people how I really feel. But being an attention whore was not my thing to be honest. Aside from Santiago, I didn't even know if anyone cared why I didn't tell earlier how much it hurt me that my own brother was ashamed of me.

The answer is simple; No one asked.

I could feel that Taylor was not receptive for critique in his sensitive condition, it would have made his condition even worse and it was my job to protect him. There was guilt on his shoulders because of leaving me alone back then, because of our parents death and he seemed to feel guilty about his wife's death as well. I just couldn't put more weight on his weak shoulders with accusations in his current condition. Aside from that, I didn't see a sense in a stupid competition about whose feelings were more important.

Anyway! I'm sorry if anybody felt offended by my racist, sexist and homophobic remarks. That's just my kind of humor and my way to protect myself from sentimental bullshit. I may be not perfect but at least I'm not fake.

Apparently Taylor would always remain the only person in the family who would have an important role. I've never felt jealousy towards Taylor in any way, but to me it felt like he was jealous of one of the only things I had; my skills to protect him. I had saved Taylor's life and he had his strength and will to live back. Someday he will stand on a big stage again to perform and the stray dog goes back to the dirt where he belongs...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor said he didn't want to make me feel like an outcast, but because of his dishonesty, his attitude, his refusal to share his feelings with me and especially because of his unawareness of how his egoistical behavior hurt me it was exactly what he had achieved. He made me feel even more an outcast than I already was. I was utterly repelled of Taylor's lifestyle in every way. I've always been a loyal person but he pushed me to the point where I no longer cared.

Me and my dog were nothing more than some unfitting pieces of dirt in his seemingly perfect world. Feeling like you don't "fit in" is one of the most painfully memorable things you can experience, especially if your tastes in clothes, way of talking or style were outside the mainstream. That feeling of rejection can shape you in ways that affect your adult life.

I could feel that Taylor and I didn't know each other anymore.

Who was that guy that was my brother with that strange and unworldly personality? Why couldn't be happy for me one single time? Did he need the attention that bad?

Maybe time had made the two of us too different that we couldn't fix in three days what we missed in nine years.

All I ever wanted out of life was what everyone else had. Not more. Just not the less I was used to.

I missed freedom, I missed independency. Air to breathe without relying on anyone...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

But I probably would never experience that again. Even the end of this job didn't bring back freedom. I would go to jail. Literally this time. Because I would turn myself in to the police.

My bodyguard job was over. There was nothing left I could do for Taylor. We will not learn how to deal with each other by hurting each other's feelings. It's not my style to break a promise and certainly there were still feelings of revenge for what that culprit did to Taylor and Bandito. But responsibility had a higher priority for me than revenge.

I realized it was a mistake to come back to this house and leave Santiago. He was the one whom I owed my life and he wanted to accept responsibility for the murder at the Russian dealer that I committed. I couldn't let him do that.

'Cause unlike Taylor I knew it's not right to abandon his family.

I had spoken with Detective Wright before I came into the living room; the results of that conversation were disappointing to say the least. He had shown me the sketch of the culprit, the notes and letters and the autopsy report for Taylor's wife. Yet, they had made zero progress on finding the culprit. He had already have worked on cases in which celebrities were involved and apparently went through bad experiences with them. It seemed that that was the reason why he didn't have much patience for Taylor.

I had informed him that I would probably hand the job to someone else, he didn't seem surprised. He mentioned that celebrities have never been easy. Maybe he was right. After what I have experienced in the last three days I honestly couldn't blame him.

The first thing I did once the others were upstairs was grab my cell phone to call Santiago's bar. I needed to know what happened to him. Thoughts of him hadn't let go off me since I left his bar. I remained calm as I dialed the number to his saloon but my hands got sweaty while I was waiting for someone to answer my call and impatiently counted the rings on the line. Six times, nine times, fucking twelve times! Finally I heard a known voice in the line. It was Nathaniel's.

Nathaniel - Santiago's kitchen boy (played by Diego Luna)  
[](http://www.directupload.net)

From his upset tone I sensed that something happened.

"Nathaniel! It's me, Blade. Where is Santiago?" I demanded impatiently.

"Blade! Good that you're calling. The cops were here. They have taken Santiago with them. Blade, Santiago has been arrested."

"Shit! Do you know where they took him?" My sweaty hand nearly squashed the cell phone in worry about my friend.

"No. I had to close the bar temporarily. I don't know where he is, what they did do with him and if he will come back. I'm worried about him. What if he does not come back at all?"

"I will take care of that Nathaniel. I will find him." I answered determined. I would take care of that matter of vital importance, and if it's the last damn thing I'd do! I'm not someone who runs away from responsibilities.

"That's a relief Blade. I knew that I can rely on you." Nathaniel sounded relieved. I could understand his worries. Without Santiago he couldn't reopen the bar and would become redundant.

"What about Bandito? Is he with you?"

"Warf!" My Rottweiler's sharp ears must have heard me saying his name through the receiver. Damn... how I missed that little yapper buddy!

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I needed to know if he was doing well just like I needed to know what happened to Santiago.

"Yes, he's here. He's alright. I will care for him."

"Thanks Nathaniel. We'll see each other." I croaked before I hung up.

I had to leave!

I had to go to him and to clarify the matter. But what about Taylor?

Despite everything, I couldn't leave him unprotected. After all, I still felt responsible for Taylor. Like he was my little brother who needed his big brother's protection...

Shockingly, isn't it? Or was it already stupidity after how he treated me?

The fact made me question my own sanity. Unlike him, I didn't leave a family member helplessly to his own devices. Even though a piece of reality was exactly what Taylor would need...

And was I the only one who felt it was his task to take care of his big brother?

How many guys in the world did that? And why did it feel like Taylor needed some time to grow up a little while for me it was the opposite... I just get older.

In a way it's ironic when you feel that it's actually your older brother who needs an older brother. I could imagine that Taylor's in laws find it weird that I play the big brother role. To me it honestly never felt weird or unnormal though. How could something be weird when you feel that it's exactly the position you are in and who you are? As weird as it may sound; I didn't know anything different.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
the idea for this scene based on this interview snippet:  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The only strange and unnormal thing in mine and Taylor's relationship was that my dog gets a better treatment than I get from my brother.

I had to collect myself and distract from those thoughts which seemed to make me my fucking paranoid...

"Fuck!" I cursed as I felt a cramp in my chest as the emotions seemed to crash down on me and my cell fell down as I grabbed my chest. I needed something to calm my nerves. Otherwise I would run amok. I didn't want to have anything from Taylor. I was better without him and be independent. I didn't want his money, I didn't need his fucking luxury. All I needed was cocaine. Fucking now!

Once the pain had ceased I picked up the phone, kicked the arm chair roughly away from me, stood up and hurried in the bathroom. My mouth felt dry every time I thought of getting high. I turned the faucet on and drank almost one litre to get rid of the ill-tasting feeling of dryness. I then went to get some coke out of my back pack that still sat there in a corner. The war of nerves had reached the critical mass so I hastily took enough out of it for a trip and the sniff case. The only thing that could give me a peaceful scene in a land of trouble...

Quickly, I took my leather jacket and put it on before I stuffed the drugs in my inside jacket pocket. I missed the feeling of being a drug addict. At least then my life had a purpose...

It's sad when it turns out that things are easier when you act like you have no heart...

I fought with my impatience and cursed to myself as I put the translucent bag back into the silver metal box and put it back in my back pack. Unfortunately, the black paradise had to wait a while longer, 'cause I had to arrange some matters first before I could leave. Resignated I stood up and put my back pack on.

I saw Natalie's parents and their son come downstairs as I headed back to the living room.

"Blade, right?" Natalie's mother came toward me, extending her hand. Her husband and her son were carrying some cartons as they were walking toward the front door.

"Yes Maám," I answered calmly. The weird thing was it wasn't even difficult to suppress the emptyness inside of me in my tone as I took her hand. I was so used to it that I wouldn't even call it being sad at this point, I'd call it 'being me'.

"Please call me Pam. We're going to leave now. Taylor and Skye are still upstairs; they have to talk before they come down later."

"I see. Do you want me to accompany you out?"

"No thanks, we can find the way out by ourselves. I just wanted to say that my husband, my son and I, well it's hard to understand the current situation so it's difficult for us to consider it as right what you guys do but still, it really deserves acknowledgement what you do for your older brother." She laid her hand on my upper arm and looked at me sympathetically.

"Thanks Pam." I flinched a little as her hand touched the spot where the cut on my arm was and she gave me a worried look.

"All the best for the two of you." She said insightfully before letting go of my arm and turned to leave.

"For you too."

Why was it so easy for her to recognize what for Taylor was such a big deal?

I sighed resigned as I shuffled back to the living room.

Maybe Taylor and I should have played a round of Russian roulette to save time. It's a game that makes people nicer...

Either I would have left after it or be dead, which was an improvement in both cases.

Santiago and I still were in loose contact with some colleagues we were in the army with. A few of them came to his bar for some drinks every now and then. From him I knew that some of them were looking for a job which weren't there anymore as well. So I called a colleague who was with Santiago and me together in the army; Michael Parker.

Michael Parker (played by Mark Wahlberg)  
[](http://www.directupload.net)

"Mike? It's Blade, Leon Caziano..." I said once I heard his voice in the line.

A random memory from our Army experiences was popping up in my mind in this moment. We hadn't seen each other often since we were veterans and to speak with him again made me think of a mission in which we had saved people out of a burning house. I remember that we couldn't save everyone and it was horrible to hear the screams from the left people we couldn't save from inside. Our clothes were dirty and sweat soaked and our faces were blackened with soot. Our skin hurt from the heat and a few of us almost choke from the fire but all we could think about were the helpless people which were caught in the burning house. The pictures in my head were still so real and clear to me like it happened yesterday. I would never forget their helpless screams...

At some point Sergeant Mayor Riley shouted to us: "Parker and Caziano, give it up! You can't protect everyone!" as we were watching the hopeless scene like in a daze because we couldn't rescue all of them. To us it felt like it was the most mean thing anyone could say at that moment. Sadly, it's often the most hardest working people who get the worst treatment... However, it wasn't the right moment for a an exchange of past memories. I was glad that Mike was available.

"Blade? Leon Caziano?" I had almost forgotten that he used to call me by my middle code name because he once said that the found that I looked like a Leon. Or maybe like a lion. Whatsoever.

"Hey, how is it going?"

Absolute fantastico...family drama is giving me depression, Santiago has been arrested and I'm suffering serious cocaine withdrawals.  
Alaska would have given me less headaches.

Fuck it all! I just needed to get the fuck out of here.

"Michael, listen I don't have much time. Santiago has been arrested and I have to quit my job to clarify some things. Right now I work for Taylor Hanson as his bodyguard..."

"That famous singer Taylor Hanson?" He sounded a little astonished.

"Yes that Taylor Hanson." I emphasized. If Taylor's fame was a chance to convince him to take the job, then that's how it should be. I explained him as short as possible about the circumstances and everything important he needed to know about the job. Fortunately he was available and promised to come, so I gave him Taylor's address after he said that he could be here in about thirty minutes.

From now on he would be Taylor's new bodyguard.

That's how things would end up sooner or later either way. Taylor said that he didn't exclude me but with his intention to get rid of me it was exactly what he did. I regretted that I didn't get the chance to face and catch Twink Twink but I wouldn't wait for the moment until Taylor drops me again once he doesn't need my anymore. I quit!

Between us someone had to make that step for a change so that we finally stopped hurting each other. I would cross that line because I was sick of feeling unwanted and useless. Taylor could hire a whole protection team if necessary. Santiago had nothing without me.

I had to go away and I didn't want to look back.

I had seen that Skye's police friend was outside waiting at his car, so instead of waiting until Taylor and Skye finished their chit chat I wrote a short message for Taylor, packed my things together and left the house.

He glared at me suspiciously as I walked toward him.

Andrew / Eage Eye (played by Rafael Cardoso)  
[](http://www.directupload.net)

Apparently, he had a personal issue with me because of his sissy lover boy who followed me like a sheep, but he had no reason to worry that I would steal him away from him. I would sooner eat my own head.

That Eagle Eye cop was one of the only people who remained suspicious toward me, so Taylor obviously mattered for him. I had taken the copy of the surveillance video he had brought with me. I knew that the silver box with Santiago's cocaine in my back pack might be an incriminating evidence for him whether I would go into prison or not. I didn't care what happened to me but if I'd get arrested the police would surely search my appartement and my brothel, that's why I had to bring them to a safe place at first. I knew Santiago wouldn't allow that I'd assume a debt for his drugs if I'd tell the police that they're mine.

The only possibilty to hide the coke was in the hidden safe in my brothel because Santiago knew the combo of it. If everything else fails and Santiago had no a chance to get them back, I would give him my fucking brothel hotel to settle the debt.

"Andrew, right?" I approached him briefly.

"For you Officer Barkley, street boy." He insisted curtly before giving me another quick suspicious once over.

Sure. Fine. Whatever. If it makes him feel more important. I don't play for respect. It wouldn't make any sense anyway. He could celebrate his glee party without me once I was gone. At least that's one good thing about not caring what other people think of you, you don't even get annoyed when they laugh about you, 'cause you simply don't waste your time to give a flying fuck. Hate is a waste of time because it requires you to give a fuck about things that aren't worth the fucks you're giving.

As a cop his personal matters should stay out of his job and it wasn't my fault if he didn't know that. He could feel free to hold as much grudge as he wanted against me, but it was his popinjay who made mooneyes at me, not the contrary. I didn't even have anything against that Barkley boy; I knew that with his cheating manipulator bitch boyfriend Skye he was already punished enough, with or without my antipathy. People hate the truth. Luckily the truth doesn't care.

"What's with your tooth?" He frowned as he saw the big tooth gap in my mouth.

"Lost it in the gutter where I come from." I remarked dryly. That's what he thought, that's what Taylor and Skye thought, that's what was the unadorned truth, so why fucking whitewash it?! I didn't care what he or his lover boy thought of me and it didn't matter anymore what Taylor thought of me. If your last existing relative can't genuinely appreciate your efforts and tries to help, you begin to question yourself and in the end you come to the conclusion that you're in fact; A worthless piece of shit for him.

"Could you stay here? I have to go." I added before he could reply something to not lengthen the discussion unnecessarily. This place was not my home anymore. I didn't feel well here for one single second. It was nothing where I belonged. If a life in the gutter meant not to be surrounded by Taylor's lies and hypocrisy, then I would sleep nowhere better than in the dirt. In my military years I've done that hundreds of times and I could honestly tell I've led a better life as the soldier Blade Leon Caziano than as Zachary Walker Hanson.

I rather slept in the dirt again. Sure as hell didn't want to spend one more night in this house.

"Why? Has Taylor fired you finally?"

Fuck this illusory ideal world shit! And this house too. "I quit." I couldn't really say which way was true, either way it wasn't important anymore. Everything is better when you decide you don't care.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"And... there's nothing else to say about it?" As he began to study my eyes like a therapist I instinctively reached for my sunglasses and put them on. Who was he, Sigmund Freud?

"I have to leave. My friend Santiago has been arrested. I have to go to him." I explained shortly. His expression changed and he looked a little surprised now. It seemed that he didn't expect it. I may be not a man of big words, but at least I am a man of deeds.

It’s discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit. Fortunately, I always find strength in honesty. When you are honest, you build a strength of character that will allow you to act fearless. There's nothing and no one that can intimidate you when you feel that what you do is right. Choosing to be honest with yourself and with others is also a strength of wisdom and courage and I've always been glad that I'm not one those lying Tag alongs. I know that I'm different than many others and I take it with pride. There's nothing more badass than being yourself. Being honest may not get you a lot of friends but it'll always get you the right ones. My name is Zachary Hanson alias Blade Caziano and I believe in truth and honesty.

"I already heard it by radio. I know Santiago and his bar." He replied, sounding more helpful now than before. His anomisity towards me had suddenly turned into doubts and guilt. I could hear it in his tone. He wasn't the only who was able to study people.

"Can you tell me where he is now?" My heart was sounding like a thousand drums all at once to me at the thought of Santiago innocently arrested because of me. Not only that, I was sweating more at the thought of the cocaine in my jacket. I didn't even want to think of it how I could withstand prison time without some coke.... Damn!

"Sure, hold on a sec." He turned and fetched a pad and a pen out of the car. "This is the address of the police station in San Fernando, that's where they brought him." He said while scribbling a note.

"Alright. Can you stay here with Taylor? A colleague of Santiago and I will come in the next half hour and do the job from now on."

He looked alternating between me and the house for a moment, then handed me the piece of paper.

"You sure that you want to leave your brother?"

"It does not make any sense for me to continue doing it. Taylor has the choice and the possibility to hire someone else as his bodyguard. Santiago has nothing right now." I explained, taking the note from him, reading the address and fixed it on my mind.

"I understand. Don't worry about him; I will stay here with Taylor until that new security guard is here." He said understandingly and I sighed relieved. Maybe I should be angry or sad but all I felt was relief...

"Thanks man... or Officer Barkley."

"Andrew. No problem."

"His name is Michael Parker; he should be here soon."

"Okay. Bye. Oh and thanks for saving Skye that one night. He would have been a helpless victim without your help."

"Yeah." The things we do... the rewards we get...

I turned, hurried to my car and drove off towards Los Angeles downtown to fulfill my last task out of prison before I would drive to San Fernando.

What I left behind was a failed job, an unrevealed secret, a broken promise and a brother who never wanted me.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Game over. I lose.


	63. Ta'arof

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Taylor

I was standing in the master bedroom helping Natalie’s parents, brother, and Skye to pack her clothing. I had mixed feelings to get rid of her clothes that soon. Because of the estranged marriage we've been lived in for almost two years a part of me didn't feel connected with her belongings anymore, no matter how much I wished it wouldn't be that way. Being outside of my estranged wife's bubble we've been living in wasn't so bad after that.

Natalie didn't see it like that though, because she lied to me about her pregnancy. I assumed she hoped that we could find a way to reconnect... To think about that made me feel sad and guilty. I haven't been a good husband to her because I was often away from home. She hadn't deserved to feel lonely.

A divorce seemed to be the only way to get rid of the chains that made both of us unhappy...

If Natalie wouldn't have been murdered I would have found out sooner or later that she wasn't pregnant and probably I would have felt cheated. Just like she would have felt cheated once she would have found that I kept my gayness a secret. For sure she would have asked me how could the two of us be able to lead a happy and fulfilled marriage with me being gay?

We both lied to each other for different reasons and probably it would have only increased mine and her wish to get a divorce. Me because of the torn feeling to save my married life and my desire to live out my sexuality and Natalie because I wouldn't have been able to make her happy.

Her death left unsolved mysteries and I had to get over it even though I didn't know if her and my heart would ever be able to find peace without finding out the truth.

Did Twink Twink kill her or was it an accident that she fell down the stairs? Was he to blame for her death even if he didn't intend to kill her or was I just making him to the scapegoat because I wasn't at home at that time?

A few days ago to become a father seemed to be the key to solve all of our marriage problems. Now, I realize how wrong it was to think that way...

The purpose of having a child should never be seen that way. It needs more than becoming a parent to fix marriage problems. I knew that all of us carried guilt for what we have done, Natalie, Twink Twink and me.  
But now that she was dead and our daughter didn't exist I didn't see a sense anymore in pondering about what we could have done and if our marriage could have been saved at all.

She had such a cruel ending which she didn't deserve and it didn't feel right to me to fill my memory of her with bad thoughts. I wanted to keep the happy times we had in my heart and cherish them because I knew that she would never come back anymore. I hoped that she was now at a better place and I know that a part of me will always love her for the happy moments we had together.

I tried to realize that the news that she wasn't pregnant was actually good news because at least there was no innocent child who got murdered...

A new period of my life was about to begin, but only if I didn't get killed as well...

There was still a feeling of indecision and helplessness inside of me because of the lack of progress in the search for Twink Twink. The urge to do something to find him was there but it was accompanied with fear if it was right. I was still in the dark because I didn't know what I could do. I wanted to do something but I didn't know what and if I had the courage to face him alone.

Maybe Natalie's parents request to get her clothes was a little precipitous, but I didn't say no because I didn't have use for them and I thought that maybe it would be a little easier for me to not keep and have her stuff around me to get constantly reminded of her and her death...

The only things I kept from her were her diaries, a photo album my wedding ring and a few small souvenirs we had given to each other over the years.

I envied Zachary in some ways because he wasn't such a headache like I am, the positive kind of envy. Decisions seemed always be so easy for him. It was like there was one voice in his head which always told him what was the right thing to do and nothing and no one could influence him because he was hundred percent convinced what he did was the right thing even if the whole world disagreed. It gave him a character strength which not many people have. It was against his principles to run away from anything in life. I know now that it was his unquestioning and determined acting that had caused a feeling inside of me to believe he wouldn't need any help and encouragement. He probably thought that I didn't care about his feelings because instead of showing consideration I had only seen the negativity in his acting and that's why he felt estranged of me even more.

In all honesty I was more than relieved when the awkward meeting was over and Pam, James and Matthew said goodbye. I had a hard time concentrating to pack Natalie's clothes in cartons which they had brought because my mind kept bringing up images of the introduction with Zachary and them the whole time.

There wasn't much conversation between them and me and once they were gone I asked Skye if he'd be so kind to pack a suitcase with some clothes for me and to went to my computer room afterwards because I needed to talk with him.

I needed some time alone to think things over and ease my mind so I left Skye in the bedroom alone to pack what I'd asked and I went to my office. I had designed and furnished the room myself years ago. Zac and I always have had creative hobbies, mine was interior designs because I've always had a predilection for that.

I let out a relieved sigh after I shut the door because it was the first time I was alone in two days. My nerves were overburdened since I lost my wife and to deal with the fact that a Stalker was anywhere out there and following me was scary.

Silently, I walked behind the desk and laid my shoulder bag in front of me on the table. Somewhere among all the things I carried around was a red book; it was my diary. My hands stroked over the leather binding before I took it out of the bag. Unsure what to do, I sat there and held it in my hands.

I finally had to find a new order of my life because in the last three days, I wasn't myself. There was that dark cloud hanging above my head since Natalie was murdered and I had no clue how to get rid of it. I've been all at the sea and I thought that Zac's presence made it even worse and made me lose myself even more.

But I had realized that it was actually the complete contrary. Zac was the one who helped me not to lose my footing; he kept my feet on the ground. He never gave me the feeling that I couldn't be honest with him or that I had to hide behind a mask no matter how my moods were.

And instead of being thankful for his help, I acted like I was punished for our past. I didn't know why I did that. I had lost myself in a sea of depression because I couldn't bear the reality. I know that it wasn't an excuse for my acting though. Instead of being grateful that I finally was reconnected with my brother after nine long years of being apart my mind was elsewhere.

I sighed, opened my diary and flipped through the pages until I found the envelope I had put between the pages. I had written a letter for Zac when I was waiting in his car when he went back into Santiago's bar to help him. It was a goodbye letter in which I wanted to explain him everything and tell him why I ran away back then.

I took the pages out of the envelope and began to read what I had written hours ago.

Dear Zac,

This is my letter to say Goodbye to you. Before you freak out, I'm pleading you Zac to finish reading this letter first. I'm sorry Zac, I'm so sorry for everything I have done to you. I'm telling you now one last and final time to accept my decision to leave you again. I promised you to not keep you in suspense about what happened nine years ago and at least that's a thing of which I can keep my word through this letter...

I'm sorry that I kept you in suspense and let you wait so long, for not having talked with you earlier. I know that I shouldn't have left you back then, but I was so full of guilt that I didn't know how to look into your eyes after what I've done...

Zac, Mom & Dad's death was my fault.

No, I'm not kidding, it's true.

Do you remember that I was waiting for a phone call from the record company which wanted to make the arrangements for my first big gig?

I wish I would have never got that call Zachary, if I had known that it would cost Mom & Dad's lives. They died when they were on the way to that gig...

That is how their car accident happened.

And this letter is my way to tell you the truth which I have owed you for a decade.

I would like to say I'm sorry Zac and I would like to say please don't hate me, because I wholeheartedly regret that I haven't talked with you earlier, but I don't know if you still want to consider me as your brother, now that you know about it. If it means anything, I want you to know that I'm sorry with all my heart Zac.

Although I would love to think that you don't hate me, I don't blame you if you do....

Sorry Zac that I didn't have the guts to face you about that, sorry for being such a sensitive asshole. I've always blamed myself for their death and even more because of leaving you. It probably sounds like the lamest excuse ever, but I was so young and lost... I just didn't know how to deal with their death and the feelings of guilt on top of that. That's why I ran away. I ran away from everything to find a way to get over my guilt feelings. I know that I waited much too long Zac, I let over a year pass without doing anything before I began to search for you. I hate myself more than anything for allowing that time to pass.

If only I could jump back to the past to tell the eighteen year old coward not to go, to stay with you, to be there for you. If there would only any chance to make it up to you, I would do it. I would love to pretend we're still teenagers with no broken hopes and dreams, the world at our feet... but I can't change the past Zachary. I know that I made a mistake and that you have all rights to hate me for that.

I couldn't talk with you earlier about it, because at first I wanted to find a way to show you that I still care and that I always cared about you. I've searched for your whereabouts Zac once I was feeling better, but I couldn't find you anywhere... It made me dismayed 'cause I could imagine very well that you already hated me so much that you didn't want to get found by me anymore. I don't blame you for that.

I really thought you would know about the details of Mom & Dad's death, I actually thought someone would have you told you... That you were left behind without knowing anything was surely even worse.

I completely understand why you were so despiteful and hateful towards me Zac, but please know that not one day passed by for me without thinking of you and where you've been. Sorry that I wasn't the brother for you I should have been.

If you still put value on what I have to say, then I beg you to accept my decision to go. Please accept that I can't do this to you Zachary; please believe me that my decision doesn't have anything to do with my ego complex!

I love you too much Zachary to do this to you. I would like to say that this decision is my way to take responsibility and to take care of you, although if I'm completely honest I don't really know if that is the truth or if it's just another coward run away again...

Whatever it is, I can tell you that this decision was anything else than easy for me, honestly it was the hardest decision of my life, but I'm in grave danger Zac and it has nothing to do with you. Maybe it's the only way to save your life... I really hope so.

I will go now and drive to a unknown place where I will live and hide. As long as the police don't arrest my stalker, I will stay there. If they will find him and arrest him, I would love to find you and be in contact with you again if you're still interested in meeting me again someday...

I don't really know what to say, other than that I'm wholeheartedly sorry for everything. I wish we would have met under different circumstances Zac. Circumstances, which would have been better and easier for both us. I'm sorry that I burdened you with my problems on top of that in this time of my life.

I owe my life to you Zachary. You and Bandito saved my life and your company and ministration was the only thing which kept me up, which gave me the will to live again. Thank you Zachary. Thank you for everything. Thank you so much for your protection and your care. Please know that you are always in my heart no matter what happens with me and you.

One last thing, you will find a check in the envelope of this letter. Please don't be shocked when you're reading the huge sum... it is the half of my fortune. It's yours Zachary. Please take it.

I know that money can't make up for all the birthdays, Christmases and every other day I missed with you in the last nine years, but I want you to accept it anyway. I want you to take it and live a better life with it... better than the life you've led so far.

I hope that it doesn't sound contemptuous or insulting to you, I really don't mean to. I only want the best for you.

All I can say is I love you Zac, but please let me go. Please accept my decision.

I'm so sorry Zac that I couldn't provide you a sheltered home. I'm so sorry, but I need to go. I have to leave and hide until the danger is over.

If I have to die and I will not be able to see you again, I know it will give me peace that we had these few days together in which we were a family again for which I will be forever thankful. I thank God for these last days with my long lost brother at my side.

I love you Zachary and sorry again for everything.

May your life be filled with happiness, joy, Love and peace with or without me...

Hopefully one day we'll find the place where my dreams and your reality collide.

Be assured, you will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. Wherever we are, whatever we do,  
trust me I will never forget you.

Goodbye and take care little - big brother

Taylor

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  


So far I hadn't told him about this letter because actually I planned to leave it somewhere once I had a chance to escape to save him. But in the meantime things had changed for me since I wrote it. At that time to get rid of Zachary seemed to be the right decision. Now the letter sounded to me like another excuse for my pride and cowardice. Because it was exactly what it was and I knew that Zac would it also see it this way. He hadn't deserved to get told the truth in this coward way. No matter how beautiful and poetic the letter was written, it was not what he had deserved.

I didn't really know what to do with the letter anymore. It was useless and would only gain Zac's disappointment. I tore up the pages and tossed them into the garbage where they belonged. Then I put my diary back in my bag, hoping some thinking over things would help me to find some inner peace.

I had to admit I felt really ashamed of how the meeting went. The moment of the introduction with Zachary was still occupying my thoughts. Natalie's family, Skye and me, we were all sitting there with appropriate dressed mourning clothes. I know that it was a hard time for them currently like it was for me as well, but I wished their reactions about Zac and me would have been different.

There was no need to blame us for their pain. James had shown no understanding at all for our situation even though he didn't even know Zachary and he had no clue about all the things he had done for me until today. Pam and Matthew weren't better either, she spit her tea over the couch and Matthew was laughing about me. Why did they judge us before they even knew how it must be like for us?

I began to see the cruelty of the situation how worse it must have been for Zachary. He was there and he protected me. He gave me the biggest present anyone can give to another person; his life. It must have felt like we all spitted on him like he wasn't worth anything because all of us were guilty of judging him. No one had eyes for the great deed my little brother did for me and I was the worst person of all because I had done the same since the beginning, so who was I to blame them?

The worst thing were his blank stares, as if he had become so used to that kind of respectless treatment that it didn't even affect him anymore. The constant isolation had made him invisible to protect himself. It was inhuman to make him feel that way.

I felt ashamed of myself for what I did. Not that kind of shame that I had felt because of Zac's protection. A different kind of shame. It was guilt. And with that a feeling of shame, I also felt anger building up on me because I didn't use the time to make up to him. I wanted to do something for Zac but I realized that I couldn't do anything for him if I didn't keep him.

Everything I did and said to Zac must have been Ta'arof for him. That is a Persian term which is used as a form of politeness, something that you say to another person but you don't really mean it. Ta'arof can easily cause misunderstandings and that's probably also the reason why Zac and I were arguing so much...

Honestly, I was wondering about how Pam's, James' and Matthew's reaction would have been if I had introduced Zachary to them as my older brother. Something tells me that their reaction would have been different. I don't think their reactions would have been that dramatic like they had been. Maybe they would have even praised Zac for his job. But just because he was my younger brother and not my older brother, they reacted like it was the worst, strange and inappropriate thing they have ever heard. I had to admit that Natalie's family's reaction hurt me as much as it hurt Zac because if anyone made fun of one of us, both of us felt hurt. That's what makes us brothers.

I began to see the differences of my and Zac's life even more clear since I became a little insight of his life...

How would they have reacted if I had lied to them and told them that Zachary is actually my older brother? I assumed Matthew wouldn't have mocked me and Zac would have got the kind of respect and recognition which he actually deserved.

But I know that Zac wouldn't have liked me to lie. He rather lived with the consequences. His brutal honesty reminded me of Kurt Cobain's personality in some ways. He would rather be hated for who he is than loved for whom he is not and Zac was exactly the same in that case. I know that he cannot live without honesty and that makes his life much harder than many other people lives. However, he managed to be honest with me without being disrepectful. Honesty is often misunderstood as respectlessness, but actually lying is more respectless. It's easy to appear confident when you have a group of people around you who all agrees to your lies and shows you acceptance to feel vindicated with your opinion. But you always risk to be disliked and to stand alone if you say the truth right out like Zachary does. I could understand now why he had developed that 'Fuck you' attitude to not steadily get hurt and feel disappointed by other people. He was tired of pretending to be someone else for the sake of friendships.

To me was Zac like a Cowboy from a Western movie who was fighting for justice and I loved that about him.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

When I thought of him, Santiago and Bandito I felt so grateful. Compared to the awkward meeting with Skye, Andrew and Natalie's family was the visit in Santiago's bar so very different. When Zac, Bandito and I visited his saloon for lunch I was welcomed warmheartedly and friendly. No one judged and laughed at me because I was my little brother's client. The man who was there for my younger brother for the past nine years had invited me for lunch and even gave me pepper spray without demanding anything in return.

There was no one who showed no understanding, laughed at me or spit a drink out because of something odd I had said. Compared to my visit in Santiago's bar with him, the meeting with Natalie's family must have been nothing but cruel and nasty for him. It's the judgments and envy which make characters ugly.

I hadn't eaten anything for three days, that's why I had felt so weak and Santiago, Zac and Bandito helped me to feel more comfortable even though I could sense that it was weird for them when I taught Zachary table manners. Still, no one said a word about it. They hadn't judged me like Nat's family and Santiago had even praised me and forced Zac to thank me for hurting him because he wanted to help me to make me feel more comfortable.

I felt nauseas to think of that... What the hell was I thinking???

At the beginning of Zac's and mine relationship I thought of him as a primitive animal with vulgar and ordinary manners. But now I feel that it's actually my life which is nasty and ugly because of the judgmental and the prejudiced attitude I had.

I had become one of those superficial; judging people I never want to become and that's what makes me feel guilty and ashamed the most. I thought that showing Zac well behaved manners would make him looking up to me and now I felt that he's actually the one I can look up to. He was the only one who was brave enough to bring honesty, respect, loyalty, responsibility, and realism in my life. And he got nothing back than condescending and judging rejection...

Actually I'm known for being a good listener and being insightful and tactful, but I hadn't opened my eyes to see what was going on around me and did nothing else but wallow in self pity about my situation. Only because of Zachary and Bandito I was still alive. I felt sorry about what I said about Bandito, how gross it was that he licked the pool of blood away from the floor. I know now that it must have been like another arsekick for both of them after the ministration and comfort they gave me. I was appalled by myself for what I have done to them. And right now, I didn't even know if I'd ever see Bandito again. I was so grateful for their love, comfort and kindness. I didn't want to lose them. They both gave me the comfort and care that I needed in my darkest hours.

There were so many moments I had simply ignored. I had seen in Zac's eyes that he wanted to go into the game center instead of shopping for clothes with me this morning, but I had ignored it. He didn't even have the time to play with his X Box that I bought him. When we went into his hotel last night I was scared that he wanted to hurt me and I felt grossed out to sleep in a brothel. I hadn't even thought about how it must have been for him that I looked at him like he was from another planet. I had never asked him why he was making sniffling noises so often and why he was going crazy if he didn't get some sugar. I had never asked him how he felt that I felt ashamed of him and wanted to get rid of him even though I was the one who said yes to hire him and now I wasn't standing up for my decision.

When Zachary saved me out of the crowd outside the barber's shop I had considered it as the most embarrassing experience of my life that he saved my life. The whole time I put myself into the victim role without seeing what he did for me and how ugly and hurting my superficial behavior must have been for him. I had apologized to him for my tears, unthinking that my apologies made it even worse and must have make him feel like he wasn't worthy enough to see them. I was worried that he boosted his ego in his job, but who was I to decide about how confident he was allowed to be? Instead of being grateful for what I had, was all I did to act like an arrogant, spoiled diva.

I felt like a complete idiot and the worst brother in history. I know now that it wasn't thankfulness in Zachary's eyes when I laid my arm around him. How could I even believe it was thankfulness? Thankfulness after what I've done to him? There was nothing but sadness and brokenness in his eyes and apparently I thought it would be that easy to solve things with him without even thinking and caring about the mistakes I made. I turned something into a process and a difficult decision which actually shouldn't be a decision and a process at all and let my younger brother's heart break and bleed for a second time. Certainly, he now thought of me as the most ignorant and arrogant asshole he had ever met.

All I cared about was my life and my feelings.

The voice of reason had betrayed me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! ♡ Due unexpected personal matters, it will take a few months to update the next Chapter 64, (hopefully) sometime in November/December 2015!


	64. Savage life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](http://www.directupload.net)

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Back on the road, back to the criminality and back to my savage life. Away from fairy fuck land and back to real world. That's were I was when I left Pasadena this early evening, my condition becoming worse with every mile. In disbelief I realized it was not even six o'clock yet. It seemed like an eternity since I woke up this morning, but it had only taken eight hours to completely change my life. I felt some of the aggression coming back which I had tried to temporarily suppress. Instead of feeling better to be away from my old home I became angry. I tried not to think of Taylor so that I wouldn't become even more pissed than I already was, but that was easier said than done. I wished I could say that the experience left me utterly unaffected but I don't have a heart made of steel.

I didn't like the grim face of the dirty underworld 'cause there was nothing for me in the slums beside dirt, drugs and prostitution. I also couldn't abide Taylor's superficial glitter world and walk along a straight line somewhere in between. I was lost inside and there was no place to go.

Since my brother rejected me for a second time was all I felt like was an outcast of the world whose biggest part consisted of indifferent zombies who throw other people away like used toilet paper and the recent experience had unfortunately renewed and emphasized that feeling. I felt like I was driving through a city full of empty people in a world without colours.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The indifference with which some people treat others has always been a thing I was totally repelled by. I couldn't imagine a more fucked up attitude. I had the willpower to learn how to break down the walls but I didn't have the passion to fight pointlessly anymore. Every time I hoped for something I experienced another crushing defeat. It would be great to have someone in my life who would help me to have a more positive and less biased attitude about life. I had hoped Taylor could be that person and be the brother I had, but he had not been there for me in the last nine years.

I knew that the world could never be anything but black and white as long as the walls between us remained unbreakable, but I have reached the end of my rope. I was tired of empty talk, broken promises and no results.

Fortunately I know that a life as an independent person definitely has its advantages and that I'm able to lead my life alone, I was used to it anyway. I have control over my own shit and wasn't afraid to lose someone who doesn't feel happy with me at his side. All I wanted was to feel free again.

It was a Saturday evening as I drove on the highway back to downtown Los Angeles with the two pounds of cocaine in my back pack. I planned to hide the drugs in the safe at my brothel before I would drive to the police station in San Fernando so that my best friend wouldn't spend the next 10-15 years behind bars. I knew that neither of us would allow that the other one would go to jail.

When I reached the filthy ghetto, the sun was already down, the afterglow of the blood red sunset lingering on the horizon. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

The memories plagued me and I knew they wouldn't disappear. The sight of the huge concert posters which presented Taylor's famous face on virtually every street corner in nearly every pose weren't helpful as well.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Even Skye was in the background on some of them. My anger's shadows were everywhere... I badly needed to blow off my steam and to kick someone's ass, but apparently the devil was busy elsewhere. In retrospect I felt like an idiot that I didn't cut the situation earlier, released my inner beast and beat them up to get both of those two girly boy faggots the fuck out of my life once for all! It would have saved a lot of time and trouble.

Since day one I had a feeling it wouldn't make any sense to work for those gay bitches and my instinct hadn't let me wrong. I shook my head about the war of irony. In the end it wouldn't have changed anything, it wouldn't have been fun nor come to a satisfying result. The pointless pissing each other off had only caused more depression.

At first I felt that I had been too rough with Taylor and began to feel guilty so I tried to be more considerate towards him. But then he made me regret it and I thought I wasn't rough enough. Nothing seemed to be right or good enough for him and I've run out of ideas. I was the younger brother and a pimp, it seemed that was the reason why he didn't even want to listen or placed value on what I have to say. At least that was always the impression I got. It was really shitty to feel disrespected and rejected by my own brother and honestly I wouldn't wish that kind of feeling to my worst enemy.

But the pain was bittersweet and somehow very familiar. I got used to it. From time to time I realize I don't need anyone else, and prefer to be all alone. From time to time I realized also I'm not able to laugh anymore about things I considered funny in the past. I know everything became different.

I hated my emotions. Yet to say that Taylor's life had left a bad taste in my mouth was the understatement of the history. With vain effort I tried to control my temper but it had been too long without cocaine. Way too long! I had sniffed a line before I drove away from Pasadena, just enough to drown out the inner fight and to mitigate the pain in my upper arm from the slash wound temporarily. The unsatisfied animal inside of me always longed for more... I needed some fucking drugs to remain sane!

The effect began to cease after a short while, I could feel the dryness in my mouth, a steady reminder of what I really needed. The signs of withdrawals made me irritated and restless, I was constantly fighting an inner battle against the urges. I remembered having a bottle of beer laying somewhere under the seat. Quickly, I reached for it, opened the bottle with the my remaining teeth and spat the bottle top out of the car window. I was in that mood when you're like I bet I can drink a gallon of water in 30 seconds and badly needed to get rid of the feeling of dryness in my mouth.

"Fuck!" I hissed and groaned in pain when the cold liquid was running into the open wound of my knocked out lateral incisor. I didn't care though, the urge to get high had became so strong that the physical pains of my missing tooth and the slash wound on my arm were just a minor distraction. At least until my condition got even worse.

Despite all those things the responsibility of my arrested friend had main priority and I had to meet the old sarcastic bastard first before I could lose self control, by whatever means. I knew that I had to expect to be remanded into custody. The damn cycle never seemed to come to an end and it made me want to tear my fucking hair out. I wanted to cut that mop off anyway. Most times I was too lazy though. Honestly, I'd afraid of myself if I actually gave a fuck about hair and fashion style.

The air around me felt so thick and I was sweating constantly. I cranked down the window next to me, but nothing seemed to cool me off, not even my favorite Linkin Park CD could help me to feel better.

As the loud, singing voices came out of the sound speakers grew quiet as the song came to end I suddenly heard my cell phone ringing. To think that it might be Taylor felt like a bad joke. For a while I pondered about how to demolish it until the ring tone began to bothering me and I decided against it. It was enough to have one coward in the family. I was used to facing shit in life, so why should this time be an exception?!

"Eff you fucking coward! Grow the fuck up already!" I shouted aggressively into the receiver. I was getting bad again, but I was too tired to care. I was angry, sad and disappointed. My anger was my way to deal with it.

"Blade? What's all this crap? It's me Santiago." As I heard the old man's irritated voice barking back in the line my anger turned into relief and then into amusement as I had to think of the old man's face while I was telling him to grow up instead of Taylor whom I actually meant. Something new I could cross off my bastard history list!

Too bad I couldn't see Santa's expression right now.

The entertainment couldn't distract me long though because I needed to know what happened. I had already reached the car park beside my hotel and steered my car onto the next best parking lot.

"Santa? Man, what's going on? Are you still at the police station in San Fernando?"

"Yeah I'm still here, but they just released me. The case is closed."

I kept quiet for a moment, pondering if he was fooling me. Somehow it seemed to good to be true.

"Listen Red, if you're planning to fuck up my day even more than it already is, your leg won't be the last part you've lost. Is that clear?!?"

"Shut your big fat mouth Blade Léon Caziano! I'm serious. The case is closed." He repeated as fierce as a dragon, obviously pissed to hear his old Army code name again.

"For real?"

"Yes, I made a declaration. It was an obvious case of self-defense. Nathaniel confirmed it as witness, so they could close the case."

"Man... those damn whoresons work faster than the sleepy heads in Pasadena."

"What?"

"Nothing. Just thought out loud. Listen Santa, I'm gonna drive to San Fernando now. 'Cause I gotta to talk to you."

"Okay. But hurry up. I don't like to..." He was still talking as I hung up before he could end the sentence. All this blah blah blah... see you in a bit, seriously who needs that crap?!

I threw the phone onto the dashboard and pulled my car out of the parking deck, back into the darkness of the city. Instead of wasting more time, I floored the gas pedal and drove as fast as possible to San Fernando. I felt nauseas as I reached the police station. My injuries were hurting like hell and I was hurt and pissed about my fucking waste of time and energy. I hated wasting energy. I needed someone in my life who was willing to cross lines with me and break rules, someone who was ready to make impossible things possible and not someone who interfered with me, pulled me down all the time and treated me like a retarded kid that couldn't count to three. The rebel in me always had a tendency to play with fire, but even if it made my life style dangerous in some ways, I still had enough accountability to keep the overview. I knew that it often seemed like every moment could be the last, but I honestly wouldn't want to live any other way.

I had no idea how Santiago would react about the news that I didn't work for Taylor anymore, the only thing I knew was that I couldn't bear more arsekicks. It bothered me to always be the exception who dealt and faced problems like it was apparently expected from realists. Like we were some indestructible supporting pillars while for my brother it was okay to run away and choose the cowardly and easy way.

Fortunately, the police station in San Fernando wasn't difficult to find. After a few minutes I had reached my destination and steered my Lamborghini onto the parking area on the other side of the street. Ironically, the only free parking space was in front of a huge tour poster of Taylor with Skye in the background. My adrenaline level and other stress hormones were rising and I felt my muscles tighten just at the thought of them. I badly needed to kick someone's ass.

I couldn't bear the deceitful sight any longer, so I tossed the rest of my beer bottle against the poster at full speed. It shattered and with a loud bounce the glass broke into small pieces when it landed on Skye's girly visage. I watched how the beer was running over his face, soaked the paper and made him look like he had jaundice. I hoped I wouldn't see any of them ever again. 

As I turned around I saw Santiago walking towards my Lamborgini with his crutches from afar.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Quickly I took my back pack and climbed out of the car. On the back side behind the parking area was a park. Perfect to get rid of the view of the poster in front of me and a better place to give him the coke back instead of directly in front of the police station. I needed to get out for some time after spending half of the day driving around at places where I didn't belong.

I could imagine that the first thing Santiago would ask is where Taylor was. It was clear that I owed him an explanation why I couldn't keep my promise. So to cut out that question, I directly told him what was going on. I finally had to get that off my shoulders no matter how his reaction would be.

"Santiago, I'm done with my brother, I don't work for him anymore." I half-said and half-whistled through my tooth gap once he was within earshot.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

A greeting between us wasn't necessary. He just walked towards me and we talked like we were together all day long. I liked when you didn't need to be careful about what you say. That's when you know you're with the right people.

"What happened?" He frowned at me, his glance was telling me that he was waiting for an explanation. I couldn't tell if the news was surprising to him because he was the only one with whom I could talk about problems. Only a few hours ago Taylor and I were in his bar for lunch and things seemed to move forward. But in reality nothing was okay or made progress. I had accepted a job from a brother who felt ashamed of me, planned to get rid of me and didn't give a shit about my feelings. A brother who put his own reputation above his family and never thought about if it might hurt me that he used me, left me and had nothing for me than an asskick as a reward for my help.

Taylor was so focused on not getting in any awkward situation and being liked by other people that it sometimes seemed he forgot who he was and who he actually has been. I didn't know how to explain it 'cause honestly most times I didn't even know to which version of him I was talking to. The insightful and seemingly understanding guy or the influenceable, awkward and insecure one. Taylor seemed to walk on clouds but the price for his pretending was high. I had seen it when I experienced his anxiety and his nervousness. Instead of working on breaking the walls that the past has left between us, they only had became thicker.

"Let's go through the park and down to the river. We can talk there. I really need some air. I can drive you back to the bar later."

"Yeah, me too." He agreed and we walked through a small park that was near the parking area which led to the edge of a small river.

Like blood brothers we synchronically slumped down onto the dirty ground once we were there. Neither of us cared about dirt or ground humidity. Santiago laid his crutches aside and pulled some hand rolling tobacco out of his pants pocket. I sighed as I thought of the forthcoming conversation, honestly I wasn't even in the mood to talk about Taylor but I owed Santiago an explanation why I couldn't keep my promise.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

It still made me sad that Taylor couldn't see that I had really tried to help, yet he always acted like I humiliated him. The more I had to deal with Taylor's superficiality, the more I became sick of it and the hypocrisy with which I had to deal had sickened me since day one when Skye crossed my way. Since I met Taylor and Skye my fate was sealed.

"Now, what the fuck happened Blade?" He said while rolling a cigarette.

"Nothing. He hasn't changed his mind and there's nothing I can do for a brother who wants to get rid of me and feels ashamed of me just because I'm two years younger than he is. I'm done with those damn character Losers and I don't fucking care anymore. The battle is over."

There was no denying I was hurt and my words were filled with anger and bitterness, but I was too angry for pathetic whining which just isn't my thing. It would only depress me even more, I've been stuck in that swamp of depression for more than a year already.

I knew that I couldn't bear this state any longer. Because of all the lies and hypocrisy, my urge to speak the truth straight out was even stronger. Every man could only bear a limited number of defeats and my limit was crossed today.

I stood up again and shrugged off my military back pack. Warily I looked around before I opened it and took the silver metal box out. I then reached into my inner jacket pocket, pulled out a few bills to pay for the drugs which I had already taken out of it in Taylor's house. Wordlessly, I put the bills into the box and gave both to Santiago. The look on his face was anything but happy when he saw the bills because he could imagine that I had taken out some of the drugs to bear the world. The battle lines already drawn.

"That's too much money!" he said with his old commanding tone, shoving some bills back to me after checking the amount of the contents.

"No, the rest is for the smashed glass cabinet in your saloon and food for Bandito. No arguments!"

Santiago sighed. "Alright." He spat some tobacco out of his mouth and lit up his cigarette.

Trust me, neither I nor Santiago would ever consider one of us innocent. I was a fucking pimp and a drug addict. My best friend was a drug dealer. What a fucked up double moral, huh? Maybe in another life I would have become a drummer.

Whatever! I kicked my Army back pack aside and made my way down to the muddy edge of the river, the water was cloudy and quietly rushing past us.

"Have you seen anybody?" Santiago breathed some smoke out of his nostrils and looked around now as well.

"No, keep calm. I'm just going to piss in the river." I said in my ordinary voice, pulled down my zipper and pissed. I just needed to live out my primitive nature whenever I fucking want.

"You'd better watch out before someone from the police station sees you and puts you under arrest."

"The cavalry would be a reward after that day." I snorted with honest sarcasm. I was so fucking bored and turned off by commands about how to lead my life.

"Here's a little tribute to the wasted faggot adventure!" I announced and pissed a long and loud sparkle arc with my dick in my hand into the cloudy water. I was finally out of this goddamn reality meets royalty experiment. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

And thankfully, I got two less problems without those gay bitches. Santiago coughed a suppressed laugh.

"Now stop with that shit Boleyn, you're talking me into an early grave!" I spat before I went back to him and sat down next to him again. Feeling free from those superficial cowards was just too good, even when I was literally sitting in the dirt.

Santiago packed the box and the money away. "You know you wouldn't have needed to do that Blade." He was clearly relieved that I kept the drugs for him safely.

Santiago couldn't keep his bar and pay off the mortgage if he didn't sell drugs on the side. The saloon was all he had. His social life. Without it, I was sure he would fall. Lose himself and go down. His physical handicap already restricted him more than he deserved. So I had to withhold the incriminating evidence until I saw him again and could give him the drugs back.

"Don't fucking start me with me about moral act Santa! I have dealt with more than enough of that shitass crap!"

"You should know that I'm thankful for what you did though." He said and grinded out his cigarette.

"I've acknowledged. Can we change the subject now? Coz that asskissing claptrap really turns me off!"

Santiago and I usually didn't need to thank each other. We just did the things for each other that were necessary to be done. Actions were our way of caring about each other. He knew that and I knew that.

My statement made Santiago sigh in relief. "Good to see you haven't changed Blade. Have you tried to talk to your brother?"

"More than once. That's for sure." When Taylor cried this forenoon I felt that I had been too hard with him. So I tried to be considerate towards him, but then he made me regret it and I thought I haven't been rough enough. Either way nothing seemed to be right or good enough. What the hell happened to us?

"And did he tell you why he left you back then?"

"No." I shook my head. "Meanwhile I don't need to know anymore."

"Have you told him about your drug addiction?"

"For what? He shits on everything I say anyway; may as well be talking animal language. There's no reason to tell him anything as long as he cannot even accept his own brother. He left me back then and now he couldn't decide once again, if he wanted to keep me, his decision should be because we're brothers and not because of feigned sympathy of my life style. There's nothing I can do anymore for him. I don't need such a character pussy in my life who considers himself too special for his own fucking family. He hired me but he never considered to keep me, so he can stuff his sympathy into his uptight little fairy ass. I already knew from day one that it wasn't right to accept that damn job when that queer Skye came into your bar and tried to manipulate you and me for his own fucking pleasure. Those two fucking faggots have caused nothing but bullshit and trouble! He didn't want to keep me and I didn't want the job anymore, so I left. Everyone wins."

Or loses. No matter which way you look at it in the end it all ended in the same pile of shit. I had no idea how Santiago would react over my decision, but in the end it's up to each of us what we do. Taylor clearly never wanted to give me a chance. Not back then and not today. No matter if my best friend would understand my decision or would be disappointed. I had tried to do as much as humanly possible and Taylor's indifference towards me only told me once again why my life was better without him. If you're put down, lied and hurt from your own family you don't need to justify how you feel. I didn't need to explain myself. I had the right to hate a family member if he had given me a reason to.

Despite my disappointment and the pain I wondered what the hell happened that my brother had become a person like that. It was sad that we couldn't fix our relationship and wasted our time with dumb superficialities and dogfights instead. I know that sometimes it's inevitable to pretend but I try to avoid it as much as I can 'cause I truly don't have the slightest urge to waste my life and my real self.

Taylor was such a smart and amazing person, I couldn't understand why he let himself be influences by such lame, immature bullshit. I think that he could be a much better person if he could stand above that superficial crap. There were so many positive sides at him, I liked the way he saw things and how he always saw the best in other people. I liked his spontaneity and his optimistic attitude even if I found him a little naive at times, but in a very adorable way. I even liked the elegant way he talked and acted because it fitted him well. A realist like me could have needed an optimistic dreamer like him in my life. I just had to kick his ass from time to time to keep his conceitedness and pamperedness under control.

Anyways! All that was sadly way more than he deserved right now. Sadly we spent most of the time with pointless ping pong games like two strangers who didn't know how to deal with each other. Had he lost the ability to read between the lines and to take risks? And the feature that I've loved the most about him; the ability to look beyond the horizon, to imagine how things could be if he'd give them a chance...

The dirty, unadorned truth was that Taylor sadly didn't consider to change anything though. That's why he died to me when I noticed that his pride was the only thing that mattered for him.

Santiago let my words sink in for a while. Even though it was Taylor who wanted to get rid of me, I felt guilty and conscience-smitten that I disappointed Santiago. I still felt under pressure because he had emphasized over and over again that he wanted me to continue doing that bodyguard job but I couldn't keep my promise.

I had expected that I would get arrested for the murder of the Russian dealer which I committed although I just wanted to protect Santiago.

"By the way has Skye told you that he already knew that you were a pimp before he asked you to work for Taylor?"

[](http://www.directupload.net)

"No, that prissy asshopper kept it a secret. But that doesn't surprise me. No one seems to have eyes for what's going on in their superficial illusory world. I'm sick of those coward fuckers."

I didn't need to be a genius to recognize that Skye had more reasons why he hired me even though he didn't mention them with one single word. Since day one I met him he made mooneyes at me and during the job interview he didn't seem to care who I was and how criminal I was. What kind of friend hires a pimp as a bodyguard? As Taylor's manager and best friend he shouldn't put his desires above the security of his best friend. He didn't even have the guts to admit it when he met Taylor. And I thought my life was screwed up...

Skye had cheated on Santiago, Taylor and me. He wanted me to work for Taylor so I would be around and he'd continue adoring me. I knew that Santiago wanted me to be reunited with my family, family that neither he nor I had. I knew that was the reason why Santiago let Skye persuaded him to put Skye in contact with me.

Santiago looked a little irritated now as well but he kept his thoughts to himself, he also wasn't very good at talking about his feelings. I knew him long enough to know how he must feel like.

"Sorry to hear that, soldier. Are you sure you won't regret that decision? Maybe Taylor would have wanted to convey some comfort?"

It equally made me sad and pissed me off with how much patience and understanding Santiago had and how he tried to fix a bond that was cut a long time ago. I wanted to beat the cowardice out of Skye and Taylor just by the look of my hurt friend.

"I don't need to be held by a hypocrite. They don't deserve to hold anyone. They don't even deserve a pet. I would never want to be held by one. Life is too short to spend it with people who aren't worth it. The only lesson that this experience taught me was that I didn't tell enough people to piss off!"

I just couldn't be anything else than be brutally honest to not burst at the seams. After what I've experienced I couldn't react any different. I had enough of damn lies, judgments and manipulations, so I built up a wall around me to protect myself. Sometimes is staying away from other people is the only protection for yourself. Santiago seemed to sense that there was nothing left between Taylor and me and that there was nothing that would make me revise my opinion, he didn't push me anymore.

I know that I would never be able to consider Taylor as anything other than a stranger as long as he refused to open up to me and never practiced what he preached. It wasn't my intention to vent out my anger on Santiago, he was pretty much the last person with whom I could be mad at, after he lost his leg because of me. Fortunately, the old man always knew how to deal with my anger.

Taylor got his chance to tell me why he left me back then and he didn't make use of it, nor he was be able to face his in laws and tell them that he hired his little brother as his bodyguard without any intentions to keep me. What the fuck was the point in introducing me to them? What the fuck was the point of it all?!?

I didn't feel I belonged to Taylor's family. Not as long as he hid behind pride and cowardice and put on a innocent mask on top of that. He couldn't see that I was taking risks for him all the time. Yet he was unwilling to take one single risk for me in return. Maybe he unlearned to appreciate little things and to differentiate between right and wrong. I could imagine that many people put on gloves before they talk to him or don't have the guts to criticize such a high personality. With all those yes sayers and constant asskissing around him it's no surprise that he lost the sense for equality. I had no idea why he always made me feel like my opinion didn't seem to be worth anything, I only know one thing for sure; I never want to have anything to do with such a negative, superficial attitude.

"You know that I'm not not the type of person who can't admit when he made a mistake, Blade. I made a mistake. I forced you do make this job because I knew that you needed a change. But I can see that this job hasn't done any good to you and I realized it wasn't right of me. You shouldn't live your life with a burden that you owe me something because of the leg accident. I believe that you did everything you could Blade. It seems that your brother does not respect you enough to accept you and that attitude is indeed very selfish. He and you live in two different worlds."

It felt so good to speak with someone like Santiago. Someone who actually understood me even when I was talking like a homophobic bastard. He was smart enough to understand my humor. I respected him 'cause he did always stand up for his deeds no matter if they were right or wrong. I've always respected honest people who weren't too proud to apologize and stand up to their deeds. I would lose my mind without a friend like Santiago. I liked that he always called me Blade, it helped me not to feel like Zac Hanson anymore.

"Yeah fucking right." I took a stone from the ground and threw it, watching it resigned into the water. "I've waited long enough for an explanation why he excludes me from everything. More than long enough. I don't want to have anything from him. I just want to be without him. Dead or alive."

My sad words weren't new for Santiago. When I joined the Army nine years ago, he was there for me and gave me new hope. Because of him I learned to smile again.

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Now he again was the only one who was there. I wasn't mad at Taylor that he didn't give a fuck. I was disgusted at myself for thinking he did.

"Maybe your brother wasn't ready for this. Still, it's your brother's loss if he's unable to appreciate what he has." He said after a while of silence. Even Santiago didn't seem to have an advice anymore.

"Yeah, whatever. It doesn't matter anymore. From now on Michael Parker will take care of his precious fairy ass. He's a good man. I just hope it won't be a waste of time for him as well."

I couldn't say if everything I did was right but I had tried to do my best and apparently it wasn't good enough for Taylor. Maybe there were no winners in this game. Santiago and I silently watched the rushing river for a few minutes. He knew that I needed some time to calm down. We knew each other long enough to know about each other's moods.

Neither Taylor nor me led a safe life, that's why I failed to understand his reason even more. But the thing that hurt me the most was that Taylor forgot to think about my condition in which I was left when we were separated and he or I would die after that, he didn't even consider that fact. Not nowadays nor back then.

"Honestly, I don't know if it was right to help him at all." I admitted after a while. Santiago was scratching his black beard in thoughts before he answered.

"Hmm... I can understand and imagine very well that you're disappointed Blade, but brotherliness should never be wrong or seen as wrong. I can understand you and your brother, because you both have strong arguments but I think your brother shouldn't give in to his stalker and allow him to be separated from you, no matter if you have the skills to protect him or not. Your family breaks apart because he gives his stalker influence over his life. You guys should stick together and he should not leave you alone. In hard times like these it's even more important to stand together and be there for each other."

"I agree. Apparently Mr. I'm the only one who matters considers it wrong in this world though. Fact is that Taylor cannot learn from his mistakes if he never faces them and always runs away every time things get hard. We can't solve any problems by running away from them."

"That's true. You talk like a big brother."

"I heard that more than once today," I groaned exhausted and stroked some long strands of hair out of my face which were sticking to my sweaty forehead. Yeah, I had really liked Taylor and my twisted roles. I never minded it. On the contrary. Not because of boosting my ego, but because of not fitting into the boring standard. Cliché has always been something that depressed me. I don't follow this generation and I don't want to.

I never minded stepping back and letting Taylor glow in the spotlight. But it hurt me when it's seen as a matter of course that I'm always the third wheel. I couldn't name one single person who wouldn't feel hurt and annoyed because of getting treated like a dumb child and like a lower class human by his own brother just because of age difference, different life style or both. What's even more repugnant was for me was the fact that it seemed to be totally normal for Taylor to make me feel that way, but if he experienced for once how I felt like my whole fucking life, it was the biggest life scandal. Was he even realizing his arrogant, selfish way of thinking?

I finally felt a little better that I could talk with a friend like Santiago. Finally someone who didn't give me the feeling that I was talking in a dead language. It meant even more to me after I had the constant feeling of being misunderstood for the last three days. He actually understood me. How many people could say that they have a real friend like that? Why couldn't Taylor and I have a real conversation like this?

"Before I forgot, I've seen that the dealer has knocked out one of your teeth during the brawl in the bar. Are you okay?" He said, looking at the gap in my teeth. "Or do you have any more injuries?"

"I have a slash wound on my upper arm."

"Let me see it."

I took my leather jacket off and pulled up the sleeve of my shirt. There was a makeshift bandage which I had wrapped around my upper arm and it was soaked with my blood. Santiago carefully pulled the bandage down.

"You really should go to a doctor if the bleeding doesn't stop Blade. Do you have some clean clothes with you?"

"Yeah there is a shirt in my back pack." I reached for my back pack and pulled the shirt out of it. Santiago took it, tore off a broad stripe and wrapped it around the wound after removing the bandage.

"What about you? Did you have any injuries from the fall?" I watched while he was taping up my wound as good as it was possible.

"No, I'm alright and don't change the subject Blade!"

"It's just a slash wound. Could be worse. I don't think the hospital will be necessary."

Santiago put on his grumpy face like he always did when he didn't like something. "You should take a few days off," he eventually suggested.

"No." I shook my head. "Doing nothing ain't a choice."

Still, I knew that I had to put my old life behind me. I didn't want to work anymore as a pimp and I didn't want to have sex anymore with johns that grossed me out. I had suffered more than enough of that shit, yet I still felt that I didn't deserve anything better. When other people treat you like you're nothing, you begin to feel like nothing.

"If you want you can start to work as a barkeeper in my saloon."

"Honestly, I don't think barkeeper would be the right thing for me." That and I didn't want to live off my best friend's money.

"By the way, do you need help to fix and reassemble the furniture which was broken during the raid?

"Thanks for the offer Blade. Once you feel better and you have time you can come around but you have an injury and for now you better take care about the wound on your arm. I can do that without your help. Let's talk again about your occupational future. Will you continue work as a pimp?"

"I don't think so."

"What else do you wanna do?" He asked while making a secure knot with the cotton.

"I want to go back to the Army."

He looked at me after that sentence. "That might be your death."

Yeah. Exactly. It's better to burn out than to fade away. "So what? Who cares if a soldier dies?"

Death seemed so inviting these days... what could be more appealing than a meaningful death if your life was pointless anyway?! I finally wanted to do something meaningful again so that I could look back to the past without any regrets. It hurts badly when you talk to your brother and he can hear you but cannot understand. I didn't get over it but I got used to it.

I guess the worst thing of that whole experience was that my best friend and my dog got hurt even though they had nothing to do with it and that I had to traumatize myself to be able to save Taylor's life. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

Santiago didn't like what I said, he was worried about me. I didn't want to make him feel like I trampled on his feelings, yet it was my life and my decision what I would do with it. In case I survived this night...

"I know that you tried everything you could Blade. I've put you under too much pressure when I shouldn't have. I want you to stop punishing yourself for an accident you weren't able to do anything about. You torture yourself with things which you shouldn't and you should stop taking drugs. You have made up to me and paid for your debt. Maybe not with that bodyguard job but you saved my ass when the Russian dealer tried to shoot me. You have done more than a soldier can, Blade. It's about time to forgive yourself."

I knew that Santiago was honest and that he meant what he said. My best friend spoke out the words which a brother should have if I still had one. But despite Santiago's well meant intention I was unable to feel the same way. If the circumstances were different and I had been more careful, maybe his leg could have been saved. It was my fault he lost it, no matter what he said. I just couldn't forgive myself for what I had done. Dealing with myself has never been an easy thing for me.

"I know Santiago. I know." I answered. "Thanks for your understanding. Shall I drive you back to your bar?"

"No, I think it's better I take a cab." He said and took his crutches "Do you want to come around later?" He said and gave them to me.

"No, I need some alone time." I explained and put my arm around him to help him to stand up.

"Yeah, I understand. Hey Blade, no shit you saved my ass."

"You don't need to thank me Santa." I said and pulled him up.

"Still, your selflessness didn't escape my notice Blade Caziano." As he pulled me into a short, friendly hug I didn't know what to say. If nobody cares for so long, it's hard to accept when someone finally does.

"Anyways, I should go now. Is there anything else you need to know?" He said, taking the crutches from me.

"Yeah. Uhm... Is it my cocaine withdrawal or do you look older today?" I teased him, scratching my itching nose.

He turned around and gave me the middle finger. Internally, I knew were both laughing. We knew each other way too long to not know about each other's sense of humor.

Surely we would have teased each other for some time longer, but neither me nor Santiago was really in the mood today. He nearly died and a part of his bar was smashed. I was grateful for Santiago's understanding and I wished I could have done more for him. It felt like he cut me off a dog leash and tried to finally release me from the burden that I carried over his leg incident.

But when I looked after him how he walked away with his crutches I knew that it might be the last time I saw him...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I was a free man again. Independent. What could be better than that...

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I could feel the freedom in my lungs with every breath I took and it felt so damn good. Shortly after I was alone again it began to rain and the rain pelted into the river and soaked the ground around me. I liked the rain and the quiet atmosphere of the empty and forlorn streets at night. The darkness has always been strangely comforting. Meanwhile it had become so dark that I knew that Taylor and Skye's faces on the tour placard weren't visible anymore which was even better. If the devil had mercy for once, maybe he would let them crumble into dust once the sun arises...

From time to time I feel I don't like the sun anymore since I can't stand the bright light. Like a square in a circle I'm rubbing people the wrong way again and again. Though I have known for a long time I can't change what's unchangeable, 'cause the evil always dwells, and the sun's gonna shine once again. No freaking matter what's happening.

As I noticed that the rain was getting harder, I put my jacket back on and pulled it over the back of my head as much as possible. The trees behind me gave some shelter, just some of the raindrops poured through the leaves. I didn't mind getting wet but I needed a dry place for preparing and taking drugs, and I needed some more light because it had become dark in the meantime.

Fortunately, I remembered having a flash light somewhere in my back pack, so I took it out and laid it beside me after switching it on. My nose began to run which was nothing unusual lately especially during the withdrawal stages. My sinuses were so raw and dried out that my eyes nearly welled up when the cold liquid ran through them, it burnt as hell. Sniffling, I reached up and wiped some blood and snot away with the back of my hand after pulling out the transparent bag with the drugs and my snuff case of my inner jacket pocket.

I then opened the case and looked down at the compartment with the straws and the razor blades. I knew that my short supply of boogar sugar wouldn't be enough today and there's no fucking point in wasting time, 'cause we only live once. So I flipped the case around and opened the other compartment.

It contained a compression bandage, small bottles of water, a lighter, a spoon and the needles. The stuff had been there for months but I had never needed it. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

For the first time I was longing for more than just sniffling cocaine. I wanted to proceed directly to the intravenous injection of hard drugs because sniffling couldn't satisfy me anymore. I had reached the point where snorting was just not enough. I wanted more...

Because of the steadily suppressed anger and drugs withdrawals I still could feel the sweat between my fingers, on my head and running down my temples. It slowly mingled with the rain and dropped down off me like from a dirty mongrel. I didn't even want to know how messy I looked like, honestly, I didn't give a fuck anyway.

The transparent bag which I had taken out of Santiago's silver metal box in Taylor's house contained heroin which was pre-measured for a few good hits. Strangely, the procedure seemed almost familiar after living in a dirty ghetto for more than a year. Half of my whores were drug addicts and I had also seen some soldiers taking injections, those who couldn't deal with death that well like they thought they could...

It's ironic that you do things that can kill you just so you can feel alive, isn't it?

I became itchy as I weighed the white powder before I poured it and the water onto the spoon. Impatiently, I watched as the heroin began to heat up, just enough to dissolve, until it became a clear solution, the heat from the lighter helped. Needing to stay focused so I could use the needle and pull the mixture from the spoon into the barrel.

It's quite disturbing that the one thing which could make me smile and fill myself with anticipation was not my brother whom I had met after nine years of being apart, it was a syringe filled with heroin. Now, he doesn't exist to me anymore. He was just somebody that I used to know.

'Change ain't good, Léon. You know?' my comrade Mike once said to me. I suppose he was right...

After I tied the compression band around my upper arm I eagerly searched for an artery, not even blinking as I pushed the needle into my vein, with the compression belt between my teeth I slowly pulled back on the plunger some to see if I found a good vein. I didn't even notice how wet and dirty my clothes had become because of the muddy ground on which I sat. The only noises around me was the pouring rain and the pelting of the raindrops into the river. Except the light from my flashlight I was surrounded by complete darkness.

When the blood ran into the barrel I began to push the plunger down. 

[](http://www.directupload.net)

I hissed because it hurt way more than it should. Once again I've been too impatient and pushed the plunger too forceful all the way in, biting on the end of the compression belt between my teeth.

Groaning I leaned myself back and spat the end of the belt out. Slowly I slid sideways down to where my back pack sat and rested my head on it. The needle slid from my arm and fell out of my hand somewhere onto the dirty ground. It didn't take more than a few seconds until I could feel a warm and tingling feeling in my arm.

As I pulled my jacket a bit down, my glance fell onto the temporary bandage made of my shirt at my upper arm, I could see that it was already soaked with more blood. The slash wound was still bleeding. But nothing seemed to be important anymore. I didn't want to feel anything else than the frenzy of the jag. Drugs were my weapons of stress reduction.

The last thoughts before I lost myself completely belonged Santiago and Bandito.

Nirvana here I come...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! ♡ Chapter 65 will be posted in February/March 2016!


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